DV, feel guilty after leaving him

(4 Posts)
OddSocksFrillyFrock Mon 18-Feb-13 20:37:39

This is probably going to sound daft and a bit waffly but anyway. Cut a long story short, I left my DDs dad about 7 weeks ago, shes 11 weeks old almost.
The reason I left was he mentally, sexually and financially abused me and it had been building up before baby was born but he just turned into a completley different man the day she was.
He's still carrying on the abuse. I'm currently back living with my parents now so I'm more or less safe. What I want to know though is how do victims of DV think and feel after they have left their abuser? Because sometimes all I can think is how I'm maybe overreacting. Did I imagine the abuse? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? These sorts of questions occupy my mind all the time. Theres even times I feel guilty on him because I left and obviously took the baby. He's mentioned how Ive broke his heart because his baby has been taken from him.
Because it wasnt physical abuse apart from one night when he grabbed me and threw a glass photo frame at my head, I start doubting myself. Is this normal for domestic abuse victims? Or is it just me? Its eating me up inside. Ive been to a domestic abuse support charity and theyre helping me, they provide support in everyway from providing councelling to practicalities like benefits and finding somewhere to live. The midwife actually gave me their number because she told me he was being abusive when I explained the situation but despite all the confirmations from everyone, theres still a part of me, huge part, that feels guilty and stupid.
Im not the most articulate of people, I'm not sure if Ive explained it very well. Just want to see what other people think?

Midwife99 Tue 19-Feb-13 07:20:31

Don't feel guilty - you have been really brave!! He is the one who abused you at the most vulnerable time of your life instead of nurturing & caring for you & your baby. He screwed up not you.

foolonthehill Thu 21-Feb-13 12:21:53

I think we all feel this at one time or another. With time and distance you will probably find that you stop minimising what he has done and realise just how unacceptable it was.
Maintain as much distance from him as possible and continue to take good advice. Maybe look at the Freedom programme or similar to focus on building yourself up once you are through the initial stages.

I think you are doing magnificently. you have moved your lovely DD from an unsafe, destructive environment to safety. in my mind that makes you a heroine.

DoingItForMyself Thu 21-Feb-13 12:47:35

You don't sound daft or waffly, you are perfectly articulate and you have explained your situation well. I'm guessing the reason you are doubting your ability to communicate is because your ex has made you question your own mind, your feelings and your competence as part of the abuse.

Well done you for making this really hard decision at such a difficult time - you have done the best thing for your daughter and yourself by removing you both from this horrible situation. If your ex's heart is broken it is entirely his own fault for being an abusive wanker. You have nothing to feel guilty about, although it is perfectly understandable that you do, because those of us who are caring, loving, compassionate people don't like to hurt other people's feelings - if only he had shown the same care towards you he wouldn't be in this situation now.

Unfortunately you will probably still have to deal with him to facilitate a relationship with your DD but hopefully now that you are not living with him you will find yourself growing stronger and more confident, so that you are able to stand up to him and not allow him to treat your DD as badly he treated you. I'm glad you have supportive parents and somewhere to live.

In time you will be able to build a new life for yourself and your lovely DD but in the meantime, enjoy this precious time with her and let yourself be looked after. xx

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