I feel so childish and immature asking for advice on this!
I have been with my boyfriend for just over 18 months. We both met because our DD's were good friends at school and we had both recently gone through long-term marriage break ups. So, we got together with the kids a few times and developed a friendship, which turned into more!
It was very intense as we were both still hurting from our previous break ups.
I had reservations about having a relationship with him from the start. He had been a lovely friend, and the sex was amazing!! But (without being too much of a snob), his standards were much lower than mine. He doesn't really care what he wears, he doesn't care really where he lives, he doesn't have 'nice' things (not necessarily expensive) and he drives around in an old banger of a car that is always dirty. He took me out to meet his friends a couple of times and firstly, I would never have normally gone to the type of pub he took me to and secondly, his friends were people I would not normally really be friends with. Just nothing in common! I sound so shallow :-(
But, we were very close and the intimacy was lovely.
As time went on, problems crept in with things. My 2DD's don't like him and didn't like him being around so I asked him to move out and I started spending much more time with my girls on their own.
My feelings of us wanting different things (and me thinking I wouldn't get what i want from life whilst being with him) got stronger so I ended it properly a week and a half ago. I didn't really feel like he cared for me that much - or would be willing to do things for me that other people had. Such as when I had a splitting headache - he wouldn't walk to the shop to get me tablets. Such a small thing I know..
But as soon as I ended it with him, I felt completely heartbroken. I cried solidly for hours, felt rubbish, could see no happy future and basically, couldn't hold back from getting in touch with him and meeting up. I met him last night and we discussed giving it another shot which he now thinks we are going to do. Problem is, there's still this nagging feeling that I don't want to - but I cant seem to let him go!!
Is this feeling Love? Should I stay with him and work on the things that bother me and try to compromise?
Hello Scarey123, Nothing wrong with asking advice, good a place like this exists where you can vent if you don't want to sound out rl friends.
I wonder if you both rushed into things the first time. It doesn't sound like you had much in common and your DDs weren't keen on him.
Maybe splitting up was a shock to the system and initially a disappointment. Perhaps it's better to wait and reflect a while, examine what you want and even be unattached for a while, rebuilding confidence and self worth, before considering trying again.
It must have seemed ideal moving on from friendship and recapturing some intimacy. Can I be blunt? It sounds less like love than a mutually satisfactory way of scratching an itch. Nothing wrong with that but I don't think you've convinced yourself.
Plus, depending on how old your daughters are, you've got to consider how they feel. I can't tell if your children are all still of school age or young adults by now. As their mother you are your girls' role model, they will pattern their later relationships on your example.
Of course you deserve some fun and I do wish you the best, but if you could "see no happy future" without the boyfriend you find so lacking in every department but the bedroom, you're not thinking straight.
Lot of traffic in the Relationships section if you want to consider asking to move this. Posters there don't pull their punches but there's some honest input.
It's a hard one - but I think you've answered your own questions - you have little in common and if you're already noticing now how he doesn't do certain things for you, think how it might be in a year or so. The heartbroken feeling you had when you broke up was probably less heartbreak over him and more heartbreak over seeing a single future. Not that that's what your future will be, but in the here and now things can seem so painful. Many years ago I went out with this guy who irritated me and I had little in common with. For ages I wanted to end it, as he embarrassed me so much, and I never wanted to introduce him to my friends, but the thought of being on my own was too much. When he eventually ended it I was distraught. I thought it was because of him, but I think it was more because I didn't have a partner to turn to anymore. All I needed in the end was a few nights out meeting new men to flirt with and I felt a lot better.
And, on top of it all, your DDs aren't keen on him. I agree with DonkeysDontRideBicycles - I think you need to be unattached for a while to enable you to focus on what you need in life and in a partner. I'm hardy one to talk as I'm on another thread bellyaching about being single and missing my partner, but I really think you'd be a lot happier in the long term if you went back to just being friends (which may not be possible for a while).