upset

(12 Posts)
Nurse30emma Sun 18-Nov-12 16:27:01

Hi seperated from my husband 5 weeks ago it feels so painful, it really hurts. we have been together 11 years and have 3 children aged 7, 6 and 4. Got weekend to mysself as ex has the kids. does it get easier? no longer want the relationship but this hurts so much. Tried to phone a friend who wasnt available my mum was busy too. u know when u just really need someone to talk to? how does anyone do this? how do u know its the right thing? felt like was going through the motions in my relationship. feel so upset.

Happylander Sun 18-Nov-12 16:37:14

I am sorry you are going through this. It does however, get much much better I am a year on and so much happier. Life is better and although it is hard doing it all by yourself there is also a sense of pride.

It takes a while to get used to but you will soon cherish your weekends without your children and look for the positives. My ex has been a complete arsehole and contact has not been at all regular or often so I haven't got into the swing of my weekends off yet in regards to meeting friends etc. The last weekend I had off I spent in my pyjamas, eating rubbish and watching crap and it was great.

Keep thinking of all the positive things and there is lots xxx

Nurse30emma Sun 18-Nov-12 17:04:32

Thanks, i have enjoyed a film this weekend and a bubble bath in peace! caught up some rest too. its just the waking up every morning and remembering your marriage has ended. the weekends are getting more routine; not used to free time, big adjustment and the loneliness! I have one best friend, not got many friends my husband was always my best friend. Not sure how to go about making new friends. One day at a time x

Nurse30emma Sun 18-Nov-12 17:05:36

my ex has been difficult he's too been really angry; this week he's changed tack he's being nice to woo me back.

SoHHKB Sun 18-Nov-12 17:10:13

I second what Happylander says - it take a while but gradually you'll start to 'enjoy' the time without your children or at least find pleasant ways to fill it
After my split, I was lucky to find a new friend in a very similar situation and by chance our child-free weekends coincided - cue many nights in our local and a wing-woman to go manhunting with wink
Maybe it would help to make a list of lots of child-free things you'd like to do - books to read, films to watch, places to go, friends to get (back) in touch with - and plan something for each day on your own - good luck smile

Nurse30emma Sun 18-Nov-12 17:21:56

Thanks x

bml12 Sun 25-Nov-12 15:31:02

Hi
I am also in the early stages of separation. Married for 18 years with 17 and 13 year olds.

I am finding it really hard - we are living together whilst trying to sell the house. My weekends are spent with me wandering round like a lost soul. He takes kids to his parents and I'm left at home. Friends are all married - everyone looks loved up when I go out and I feel like the lonliest singleton around. I can't imagine it getting better at the moment but like you I am trying to think about a day at a time. Not looking forward to Christmas either. Don't know if it's the right thing but how do you ever know??

Wrenner Sun 25-Nov-12 20:18:12

Me too!! We have split for two months now! I have weekends and I am more used to them although I hate Sunday mornings waking up without my boys. It does feel weird though and I do sometimes feel that it has affected my bond with my children. They have a really good relationship with their dad and my oldest gets upset when he leaves and I feel horrible and guilty but also like I want to say " I'm the best. I'm your mummy!!" sad

Wrenner Sun 25-Nov-12 20:19:56

Ps I would never say this too him

Nurse30emma Mon 26-Nov-12 20:43:00

sounds as if we all feel the same i find the weekends the hardest thats when my decision rocks a bit, in the week feels more ok. im going on a girlie night out in a few weeks trying to make some new friends xx

sarah341 Tue 27-Nov-12 08:08:39

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

olgaga Tue 27-Nov-12 22:08:26

You might find this helpful, but please keep posting here for support too:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links (V4 Nov 2012)

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.
If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.
You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
https://www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
https://www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break – if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

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