So my kids hate me because i won't let their dad come to the house anymore

(64 Posts)
Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 17:03:55

We split in Jan after I found out he was having an affair. Kids are 9 & 11 and don't know anything about the affair. We tried to be "amicable" for a while - I used to let him visit with them in the house after he finished work. In addition he has them to his place at the weekends. But over the months he's become more and more nasty and bullying towards me to the point that I told him he simply is not welcome in the house anymore. I've said he can see the kids whenever he likes, just not here. If he wants to see them on a weekday evening I"ve suggested he can take them back to his for dinner and drop them home again later or take them out for tea or meet them at his mums...whatever.

But now the kids are furious at ME. They say I'm unfair, they say their dad says I'm being unfair too. Of course in their eyes he is a saint and I'm the one who is unreasonable. Adn just now when I had my DD(11) screaming about how I only ever think about myself I made the mistake of telling her how awful he is to me. I guess I wanted her to understand where I was coming from but I also know that was the wrong thing to do.

I don't know what to do now. I can't make them understand, they aren't going to forgive me and I won't change my mind. So now they just hate me. sad

Mutt Tue 30-Oct-12 17:11:29

They don't hate you. They just don't understand yet and their father is winding them up as well.

All you can do is tell them it's not practical for him to come to the house (which is perfectly reasonable by the way). Remind them that you are not preventing him from seeing them, just from spending time at your house. They'll calm down and everyone will settle into the new arrangement in time.

I speak from experience smile

Screaming at you is not acceptable though so don't allow it. They may be upset but they still need boundaries. 9 and 11 is old enough to treat you with respect.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 30-Oct-12 17:12:30

Keep plugging on, love

You are doing the right thing

Your kids will get over it if you are consistent

Have a word with your ex and tell him to STFU badmouthing you to your kids, that is way out of order

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 17:16:09

Oh Mutt, my 11 year old thinks she's bloody 17 and knows better anyway - I'm sure it didn't take a lot for him to convince her this is all my fault. This started weeks ago and I tried to calmly explain that I was absolutley not stopping them from seeing him, they just coudn't visit with him here. I thought they understood and would get used to it but he's clearly been working on them at the weekends "Oh poor me, I never get to see you. I have no time to bring you to my house for dinner, if only mum would just let me in the house for half an hour but she has decided she doesn't want that, I hope you two children aren't too mad at her'"

How about "Oh poor me, I don't get to see you every day anymore because my tiny dick accidently fell into another woman's vagina over and over again and forced me to lie to your mother's face for months and now it's perfectly understandable that she wouldn't want to see my stupid ugly face anymore so I guess I'll have to live with the consequences of my mistake."

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 17:17:48

Happy - I can not have a word with my ex. Every conversation with him gets twisted beyond recognition. If i try, it will only end in "I have no idea what you are so upset about, you clearly are over reacting, got the wrong idea, I just coudln't help being upset because I love my children so much and now you're mad at me? That's so unfair"

I wish my Mum had told me a lot more about the shitty things my Dad did when I was younger. I behaved awfully to her, and still have a great deal of guilt over it. FWIW, my Dad didn't have any hesitation in bad-mouthing my Mum. From the age of 8 until around 15 (when I finally started to twig what an abusive twunt he was) I had it drummed into me that my Mum was an emotionless frigid bitch who liked to spoil everyone's fun. I'm not saying that you should give your 11yo all the gory details or slate your XH, but letting her know that there are proper and valid reasons for what's going on might help? (I do accept I have massive issues about things like this though!)

Mutt Tue 30-Oct-12 17:29:54

It's a very recent split so bound to be raw.

You are not being unreasonable here, he is.

Don't forget it and don't back down.

I agree it's pointless getting into conversation with him about it - don't give him the power of seeing how upset you are and what an effect he is having. If he's anything like my ex, it wouldn't help anyway.

Your DC will accept the new arrangements because they have to I'm afraid. And if he tells them you're preventing them from spending time with him, just tell them "That isn't true". Don't get into an argument about it with your DD. Stay calm.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 30-Oct-12 17:35:36

Yoga, I didn't really mean a "nice" word, I meant a "hard" word IYKWIM

You could always play him at his own game, and threaten to tell his children exactly what he has done (but not really do it)

Although having said that, in your place if he didn't stop badmouthing me and attempting to sour my relationship with my own dc, I actually would give them a child-appropriate version of exactly why your family has been ripped apart, tbh

Why should you be the bad guy

Get tough and tell him you won't stand for it

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 17:56:09

A "nice" word, a "hard" word, it doesn't make one blind bit of difference. Here are some converstaions we have had over the last couple of months

Me - I'm having a few financial problems
Him - I"m really concerned about you
Me - Oh, ok. well if you have any suggestions..?
Him - If only you had trusted me in the first place instead of listening to your stupid friends and gone to that shark of a laywer you wouldn't be having financial problems now would you
Me - Oh, I see, that's your version of concern. Well that was helpful. (NOT)

Me - I really want tot talk to you about an important issue with DD
Him - there's nothing to talk about I've taken care of it. I will not discuss it.
Me - So you now think it's ok to make important decisions about the DDs without any discussion?
Him - that's just a lie, you clearly have anger issues and are just trying to pick a fight

hmm[anger]

I told them a tiny bit tonight. Never meant to but I'm so bloody sick of all this being my fault. I never said anything about an affair or another woman. But after the tenth time DD told him how unfair this was I told her the whole situation, the entire last year was indeed unfair and if her dad had acted differently none of it would have happened. I also told them he's been pretty mean to me and that's why I don't want him in the house. I now feel bad about saying these things as I promised myself I wouldn't badmouth him to them.

Mutt Tue 30-Oct-12 18:03:46

Don't waste your energy feeling guilty - you're not made of stone and if that's the worst you do or say in a moment of weakness, then we forgive you smile

It's not the worst that can happen if they begin to realise he isn't the perfect person he paints himself. They'll work it out for themselves soon enough. Maybe they are starting to already anyway (particularly DD who sounds very angry) and they're taking it out on you because they know they can.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing your best in the hardest of circumstances.

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 18:39:26

Fuck, just typed a whole post and it disappeared.

Previous post should have read "after the tenth time DD told me how unfair this was".

MrsD sorry I didn't mean to ignore your post before I was typing in a bit of a fury and trying not to burn dinner. That's interesting what you say about wishing you had known more of the truth. But how much and at what age? Do you really tell an 11 year old who is hormonal and idolises her father that he had an affair, lied to me, bullied me, treated me like total shit...? She's probably just end up even more angry at me for telling her than at him for doing it.

Mutt But I do feel guilty and I do worry that he is so much better at pretending to be perfect than I am. He is sooooo good at acting a part, saying all the right things. Whereas I just....can't. My relationship with my kids has grown so much in the last 10 months, I talk to them more, spend more time with them, they know just how much i love and adore them. But....when I get angry or upset, they see that too. The see me lose my temper and shout or cry or say how much I don't like him. And they end up mad at me for that too.

sad

Mutt Tue 30-Oct-12 18:48:21

Oh sweetheart sad

That's ok. Kids are resiliant and as long as they know you love them, they will cope in their own way (even if that involves screaming at you).

Children aren't stupid and in time they will realise, whether you tell them or not, not only that he left for a reason but also that you were there for them all the way through this terrible time; despite all the hurt and anger and pain you were feeling, you were there soaking up all their pain and still managing to burn cook their dinners and keep things running day-to-day.

Personally I wouldn't recommend giving them all the details of why he left now. But if sometimes the hurt spills over and you blurt something out that you'd rather, if you were a bit more perfect, you hadn't, then you mustn't beat yourself up over it. You're only human.

Hassled Tue 30-Oct-12 18:48:46

I split with my first H after his affair, and like you didn't tell the kids anything about it. And they hated me - in their eyes, I broke a perfectly good family set up for no reason (Ex by this stage had decided the affair was a giant mistake and I was his one true love etc).

Anyway, eventually (after a couple of years) I flipped - the injustice of their endless niggling annoyance at me just got too much. I told them the truth. And they were too young to hear it and I regretted it instantly, and I can't say it didn't impact their relationship with their father (he was, and still is, a great father) BUT it did give them the explanation they needed. It did help - there was some closure to all the doubt and the "but whys?" in their heads, and we all moved on from there. And Ex and I moved on from there - we're both remarried, but we're still good friends. I think the friendship was possible because I stopped covering for him, and stopped resenting him.

What I'm trying to say is that a bit of truth-telling in this scenario is no bad thing. Children need reasons - and once they have the reason, they can move on and accept the change. Talk to your DD again - make sure she knows how much you both love her, but don't shoulder blame where there is none.

plutocrap Tue 30-Oct-12 18:59:39

Is the OW still on the scene? Meeting her can have a serious de-bullshitting laxative! effect on children's ideas.

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 19:19:29

pluto I honestly don't know to what extent OW is still on the scene. I never ask. After I kicked him out he told me it was over with her anyway but I know she hasn't disappeared completely. A few weeks back he engineered an "accidental" meeting with his "friend" when he took them out for lunch one day so they have met her but I doubt very much they have any idea who she is.

They've gone out now to see him. DD texted him to say she wanted to see him cause she was so upset. He wrote back that he would try and "arrange something as he wasn't allowed to come here". Eventually he picked them up and took them to his mum's house, which I'm meant to believe is a great inconvenience to everyone. FFS he only lives 10 minutes away so he could just as easily take them to his but again, he just wants them to think that I am making life unnecessarily difficult.

I don't think you tell an 11yo old everything but I think, as Hassled said, you don't shoulder the blame. I think telling them some of it as you did tonight was probably a good move even if it is painful initially.

plutocrap Tue 30-Oct-12 20:07:28

engineered an "accidental" meeting with his "friend" when he took them out for lunch one day so they have met her but I doubt very much they have any idea who she is.

I wouldn't be so sure.... and your DD is ripe for fury against him when she realises she's been made a fool of. sad

Mayisout Tue 30-Oct-12 20:08:18

I'm not clear on why you can't tell them.

OK, in a 'gentle' way like Daddy found a new girlfriend and fell in love so doesn't want to be married to mummy now.

We had a dysfunctional homelife when I was wee. Nothing was ever discussed or explained, believe me that is not good for the kids. Because things weren't happy we kids 'didn't want to make things worse' and were always 'fine' but, of course, had someone asked us we would probably have had a complete meltdown after years of repressed emotion and worry (because if you don't know or understand what is causing the underlying tension you worry and fear). And would have gone on to much healthier emotional adult lives than we have had.

Viviennemary Tue 30-Oct-12 20:13:41

It is infuriating for you. Perhaps it is better they know about the affair. Why should you be made out to be the unreasonable one.

Mutt Tue 30-Oct-12 20:45:53

Mavis - the trouble with telling them their beloved daddy is a lying, cheating, bastard who wrecked their family (and however nicely you dress it up, that is what you're saying) is that then puts them in the middle of two parents who both blame the other, justified or not. That can be damaging to their self-esteem and also makes it hard for them to confide in either parent without them feeling like they are taking sides.

Even if you are completely blameless, to tell young children the painful truth is unnecessary and often counter-productive. Better that they join the dots themselves as they grow up than have it spelt out to them when they are too young to shoulder the burdon of that information.

IMO.

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 20:50:29

Sigh, I don't know....for a long time i wasn't "allowed" to tell his mother either (who I used to have a good relationship with) but eventually I got fucked off with that and made sure she knew. I'm so done trying to protect him but with the kids I worry that damaging their relationship with their father would hurt them further rather than help at this stage....?

Mutt Tue 30-Oct-12 20:55:02

His mother's old enough to look after herself - no way should you have been expected to cover for him with her.

But your children are a different matter. I do think you should listen to your instincts smile

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 20:59:52

"His mother's old enough to look after herself"

Oh no, she's fragile, she's been through enough, it would destroy her, it would destroy XH's relationship with his mum and he has no one else left (boo fucking hoo)...there's always a way to make me out as the bad guy. His affair was my fault too, don't you know?

Sorry, I'm not normally this wound up and sarcastic and yes, I DO know his affair was NOT my fault, just trying to illustrate what I have to put up with.

I would explain to them but not in a nasty way - say he has hurt you so greatly and ignored your love and commitment that him being in your house upsets you so much. I think it is damaging to sheild children to all the facts and you can always put them in a way that isn't sleazy.

This is his bloody fault and you shouldn't be the one bearing the brunt of the kids anger at their family being destroyed.

Yogagirl17 Tue 30-Oct-12 21:51:31

Thanks Madame (thanks everyone really). I think I've said enough for now - that even though he loves them very much and he's a great dad that he's treated me badly and it's too upsetting for me to have him in the house. I tried to explain that I know things are hard for them but that I have feelings too. Things seem to have settled down again, when they came back in tonight they were both desperate to give me loads of cuddles. Sigh...this is just really hard sometimes.

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