Positive stories please

[liquoriceandtomatoes]

Any positive stories on seperation/divorce out there?

We are currently only staying together for financial reasons and our 2 yr old ds. It cannot be sustained forever. We get on but it no longer works. I feel VERY guilty over ds every time I think about splitting up. I need to know that it can be a good thing and that seperation can work........... can it?

[Kahlua4me]

From a childs perspective, my parents divorced when I was young and I am sure it was better for me.

Yes I missed my dad as only saw him once a month but having 2 happy parents was better than 2 sad ones. Both married again and my stepfather was the best thing for me, showed me how to be an adult and all about happy marriage, that sadly my lovely dad struggled with.

As long as you have tried to work at it, marriage isn't an easy ride, and have explored ways to stay happy, then best to move on and potentially meet someone else/ more suited to you.

[Knobbers]

I split with DD's dad when she was 3. Tbh she doesn't remember it, we both have new partners and he now has a son.

DD is a happy child. I think if we had stayed together, with the constant tension and living separate lives, I think it would have had a bad effect on her.

A close friend is in a miserable relationship, only staying for the kids and financial reasons. This has been going on for 3yrs now and her kids have anger/behavior issues. She can't see that by staying she's teaching her kids that this is a normal relationship.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck OP.

[bobsleigh]

Liquoriceandtomatoes, this isn't exactly a positive story, but I hope it will be one day, as I am in a similar situation - my partner and I have a gorgeous 17mnth DS, and are separating. We get on well enough since making that decision, and have concluded that to have 2 happy parents, instead of living in a house of tension and rows when things are bad, is better for DS.

It was a hard decision, and making it happen is even harder - I need to find somewhere new to live, but near enough that partner can see DS regularly; find new childcare, as partner currently looksafter DS whilst I work 3 days a wk (which is not helping him workwise); plus I want to change career to be a childminder; plus we still both want another baby; AARRGHHH! Am not supposed to be on mumsnet moaning now, am supposed to be organising all the above but dear God I'm tired of it!

Sorry, turned into my own personal rant. I think that if both parents can maintain a good relationship with each other, it can work to separate. Financially I will be no better, no worse, so not quite the same as you - can you manage financially on your own? Even if worse off? It is a tough one, I wish you all the best, and will report back with any success stories I find - they must be out there....

[DoingItForMyself]

We had a lot of ups and downs during our 14 year marriage. 3 DCs (5,7,& 12) and H worked away a lot, worked shifts so I was essentially a single parent a lot of the time, but with the added stress of trying to keep H happy too.

There were obviously lots of arguments leading up to the split and some truly heartbreaking moments while I was grieving for my marriage and the future we'd never have. However, just a few short weeks on I was already happier and more positive, the DCs spend 2 days a week with their dad (more time than he ever spent with them before), he is less stressed as he gets his own space the other 5 days and doesn't have me "giving him earache" all the time.

I have my own space, feel more confident and have lost 2 stone, been on a few dates and have optimism for the future for the first time in years. A lot of my friends have said they're quite envious that my life seems so much more interesting than theirs! In fairness, with the dating, I'm just trying to find what they already have, someone to hug and love, but many marriages are not as happy as they appear from the outside.

Hope that's positive enough for you! xxxx

[DoingItForMyself]

Obvs it helps if your H is reasonable about finances too, but there is help out there and for me it is worth a lot to finally be in control of my own finances.

[crackcrackcrak]

I tried everything to stay with exp for the sake of our dd but now post split I realise this was v misguided. Since the split dd is so much more settled at home and in her routine. The house is calm and afte a few weeks her sleep patterns improved so so much - prior to the split getting her into her own bed seemed impossible - now she goes in to it willingly every night. Her eating improved too and I rarely see a tantrum (she is 3) or naughtiness unless she is v tired.
Dd is taking a while to adjust to a contact schedule but things are improving all the time and we're getting there.
I can't speak for idiot ex but I'm much happier and less stressed/miserable and that can only be good for dd.

[probablyparanoid]

Can i bump this? Having such a hard time and need to know the positives. A happy end seems such a long way off.

[crackcrackcrak]

What's up probably?
Everything is better post split god life is so easy. I worried about money but thats just admin and budgeting - a small amount of extra work in the grand scheme of frolicking about with my gorgeous, bright, calm, fun loving child. We are soooo liberated you can't imagine. I know her sad lives her but he isn't able to parent and put his own needs second. I realise now without a trace of smugness that I am able to do this and card for dd well, not perfectly but well. She is happy and settled and well rested/feb. the house is an oasis of calm at all times with no effort from either of us it just is that way

[crackcrackcrak]

Belgianbun is there any alternative? 13 months sounds like an awfully long time in that environment

[Frizzbonce]

Liqourice - having recently split from my H I can safely utter that most annoying of phrase: 'I know you feel'. The most difficult part I found was the lead up to the decision. We were both very unhappy and although there was nobody else involved, my 'role' was to be the bad guy because I asked for a separation. I think he would have just plodded on. It was very stressful for a year after. We went to counselling which got a lot of the anger and poison out. I remember the counsellor saying 'it's immaterial whether you stay together or not - the important thing is you don't carry all this toxic baggage into the next relationship.'

I would suggest you get copies of all the financial papers in case they 'disappear' and pay a solicitor a small sum to find out where you stand legally. Once you start doing stuff, and taking small steps, it's easier to take the next one.

1. Ex and I managed to talk through a lot of the financial stuff together. I realise this isn't always possible (hence photocopying all the papers and going to a solicitor) but the more you can sort out yourselves, the less of your money will go to lawyers.
   

1. I realised that I didn't care about living in a big house and with the old house sale I bought a flat and have a small mortgage. I cannot tell you how good it feels to not be beholden to my ex - to be able to pay my own bills and to know that if I leave the flat looking nice and tidy, it won't be a shitheap when I come back.
   

Life is a lot simpler. Our d is fine - her dad lives down the road and has full access. It's not perfect (he's always been good at 'fun' daddy but not good at remembering her dentist appointments and the fact she needs new shoes more than once every ten years) but a whole layer of emotional tension has been removed. Have you ever read Susan Maushart's Wifework? It's about the way that in many marriages (not all) the wife's 'job' is to take care of the man's emotional needs at the expense of her own.

I have to say once everything had been finalised and I had moved into the new flat instead of feeling relief I was whacked on the back of the head with a terrible wave of Anxiety. How would I survive? I knew I could logically but suddenly the reality of stepping off a cliff hit home. In the way that after a stressful event you fall ill, I had a bad couple of weeks when my head crawled with fear. But now - a few months later I'm so glad I made the decision to split. My ex has met someone and he's happy. I'm working and looking after our girl and she's a happy child with no behavioural or school problems.

We only get one life - yeah yeah - heard it all before. But there was an article in the Guardian a few months back about the Top Regrets of the Dying and the number one was - I wish I'd led the life I wanted to leave and not the life that others wanted me to lead.

Good luck xx

[bobsleigh]

I know I didn't start this post - I think I may have bumped it - [fairly new to mumsnet and don't understand all the lingo...] but it is soooo good to hear people talking about the positives. It is described how I imagine it to be, once I actually do it and get over the fear - freedom, control over money, a calm home with the power to keep it calm [and tidy, which I know in the grand scheme of things isn't important, but it is hard to live in a small space with a total slob]. It is encouraging me to plough on with my plans.

Frizzbonce has got to be right on this one - you only get one go at life. Liquorice, hope you are also finding these stories helpful.

[bobsleigh]

Also Belgianbun, that sounds tough. Good luck.

[crackcrackcrak]

Bobsleigh - the tidy home is hugely important if that is what's important to you. Having your environmental needs constantly abused is really stressful.