Confused

[PulledInTwo]

Hi,

To give some background, I have been with my husband for 9 years now, married for 4 and we have one DD (19 months). We were each others first relationship as well. Anyway I am posting as I feel completely pulled in two, while I still care for my husband and we have our good days, the majority of the time the atmosphere is unbearable. I feel that he is depressed, but he refuses to see the Dr about it due to 'it being on his medical record and applying for jobs in the future'. I suffer from anxiety, but am on medication and am fine when I am not around him. We fight and shout several times a week and his sole focus is on clearing our debts, to the point the we literally stay in the house all week, unless someone else is paying. His sole enjoyment is playing computer games after work, and watching sci-fi, and I join him. If I want to go do my own thing, i.e reading on my kindle, watching tv etc then he gets very sullen, insiing nothing is wrong, but then complaining he's not in the mood to play etc, can we go watch sci-fi together.

He is very suffocating in regards to money. I get questioned on every purchase I make, and made to feel guilty, even if it is buying our DD the next size up clothes, going swimming etc. He is very unhelpful around the house, with most things being left to me i.e cleaning, washing, changing beds, changing our DD nappy, putting her to bed, cooking, shopping. If he does have to something then again he gets very sullen and passive aggressive. I also feel that he plays mind games, denying he has said something or done something, told me I;ve done something when I haven't etc.

There used to be DV when we were a lot younger, and there hasn't been for the last 4/5 years, but when he starts shouting I get scared of him. I am a full time student at uni, and also work part time. I grew up in an abusive household, and I don't want that for my DD. I feel so torn in 2, I want to leave him, but at the same time can't visualise the walking out, all I can visualise is further down the line, me and DD in our own place, and omg that feels so less stressful. When I ask myself if I would marry him over again, the answer is No, definitely not...

I do still care for him though, and don;t want to selfishly hurt him. Also I can't see how financially I can leave, I don't have money to move out and rent anywhere else, and my mum doesn't have room. I just don't know what to do for the best. The logical part of me is saying it's not working, we need to separate, but 1) I don;t know how to do that, and 2) I don;t want to hurt everyone involved, him, families etc....

Thanks for reading, that's a lot longer than I thought it would be...

[Yogagirl17]

Hi PulledinTwo. Just wanted to let you know that someone is listening (actually, if you post this under Relationships you might get more responses, it seems to be a more active topic). If you were just asking should I/shouldn't I, I would definitely say yes, do it. You can make a good life for yourself and your DD and it doesn't benefit anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage - least of all your DD. And in terms of worrying about hurting your DH and the extended family, while that's understandable, in the long run you have to do what is right. But in terms of how to do it when you don't have the finances and don't have anywhere to go...I'm sorry I just don't have any good advice. I'm not long separated myself and although it is absolutely 100% the right thing, it has been incredibly hard and extremely expensive. Hopefully someone else will come along with some good advice for you. x

[PulledInTwo]

Thank you for replying. It's so hard to actually accept that it's what I've got to do, even though I know that it's the right thing, I just keep worrying 'What if it's not'. I'll try posting in relationships as well, thanks. Nice to hear that you've done it and are happy with the choice, I think I just find it hard when it's going ok...