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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Contact arrangements with STBXH when he lives 3hrs drive away

17 replies

duffybeatmetoit · 28/08/2012 22:41

Just been dumped by DH who has moved 3hrs away. DD is 5. I have no experience of contact arrangements and what is reasonable. DD will be living with me but financially/practically he won't be able to travel every weekend. I can't afford the petrol to take her to him.

Any experiences or suggestions as to what would be reasonable? How do you manage Xmas, birthdays etc when such a distance is involved?

He won't discuss with me the reasons for wanting to separate, all I know is that he thinks it's permanent and not a trial. I don't want to let her stay with him until he has talked to me about what's going on and discussed future arrangements but is that reasonable?

I'm assuming that there will turn out to be an OW, can I insist that he doesn't play happy families unless I know about it?

Advice much appreciated (also posted on Relationships)

OP posts:

Report

BlackberryIce · 28/08/2012 23:06

Meet halfway?

duffybeatmetoit · 28/08/2012 23:21

Blackberry how often would be reasonable?

OP posts:

losingtrust · 29/08/2012 20:08

What about seeing if he has family (parents) nearby that he could have the DCs to stay with. My ex lives abroad but we agreed that he would have the kids for half the holidays and one weekend a month and then he stays with his parents if he comes over at weekends to see them. I fly them over for one journey (at my cost) cheap flights and he the next to take the DCs. He lives with OW but I met her first as they live in her house. Not easy but important that you are never seen to hinder his relationship with his DCs by them in particular as they could blaim you later. If he gives up on his own that is his issue.

losingtrust · 29/08/2012 20:09

By the way he missed both their birthday due to cost but sent a present and threw a party for the next time he saw them. Last Christmas he came to Christmas dinner (hard but best thing under the circumstances).

losingtrust · 29/08/2012 20:12

If there is an OW, make sure you meet her, just shake hands. It is very difficult but I found she was more scared than I was and I made myself look as best I could for the meeting. It really makes you feel better about it and it also reminds her that you are your DD's mother and always will be. You cannot force him not to play happy families and you cannot stop him seeing your DD if he is with her. Out of courtesy he should ask you first.

Jux · 29/08/2012 20:24

Have you seen a solicitor, yet? I think it would be a good idea to get your free half hour, at least, before you enter into any arrangement.

My friend has an x who lives 150 miles away. She picks up her dd (4) from school and drives half way, every other w/e. She was in a bit of a stew when he first moved as she couldn't afford the petrol, and her take on it was that he should have considered the cost implications before he went. She swallowed it though, and managed somehow.

duffybeatmetoit · 29/08/2012 23:51

Not seen a solicitor yet - thought I should wait until I knew more about what was going on in his head.

Trying hard to be the bigger person but it is very hard. I can't imagine a time when I could easily spend family time together but his family are pushing hard for this. They want me there for xmas, birthdays etc to ensure that they see DD.

His mum is very keen for him to come here to see DD but I'm not entirely happy about him staying in the house (as much as anything it would give false hope to DD). OTOH he can't afford a Travelodge and DD would be happier in familiar surroundings. Just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Jux · 30/08/2012 16:01

Well, as he's walked out on you, you don't have to do Xmas, birthdays etc with anyone if you don't want to. I believe the usual thing is to alternate Xmas like w/ends, but you really would be better talking to a solicitor without delay, before you find yourself pushed into agreeing to something, especially as his family are putting pressure on you already.

Do not let him stay in the house. It will be confusing to dd, but also could set a precedent - you really don't want to do that. In fact, do not let him in the house at all, just hand over dd at the front door, or end of the drive or whatever. I think Courts these days are keen to preserve the status quo, so if he's coming into the house, they may make a judgement which forces you to always let him in, over which you have no control.

Try not to think about or speculate about what he's thinking or his intentions. You have to preserve your peace of mind (such as it is, at the moment), and a man who can walk out like this without a word of warning or explanation is probably using your confusion as a weapon to keep you unbalanced. Don't let him.

Be as non-committal about everything as you can, until you've had professional advice.

duffybeatmetoit · 30/08/2012 22:30

Had bad night last night with DD very distraught and trying to come up with ways to make her dad come back. She's having big problems coping with not seeing him and so I rang and insisted that he come and see her. As he hasn't explained anything to me and she is already confused I agreed he could stay here. I don't want to get her hopes up but I think at the moment she needs something approaching normality.

Having now read Jux's post I'm regretting my decision as I couldn't cope with him being here all the time but then again I have more control over what he is doing. So confused.

OP posts:

Jux · 30/08/2012 22:51

Don't worry and don't panic. So he comes in this time, but he doesn't have to do so again. At least don't allow it to become a regular thing. Remember the MN mantra: "No is a complete sentence", and also that you don't need to explain or justify your position. He hasn't, after all.

DD will be confused and unsettled, until she's used to the new state of affairs. You'll just have to be patient with her. It's infuriating the way a man can just walk away from his family and doesn't have to deal with the resulting mess the children are left in. I'm so sorry you're in this position.

Solicitor on Monday if you can, but ASAP anyway.

Good luck.

losingtrust · 31/08/2012 12:30

I would also see a solicitor as if he is a joint owner of the house you may not legally be able to refuse to let him in the house. I would not worry about last night. Whatever happens you need to sit down and explain etg DD together if possible so that there is no confusion and she only gets one story but only when you know yourself.

Viking1 · 31/08/2012 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

savemefromrickets · 31/08/2012 19:51

STBXH moved two hours away, he pays his travelling costs when he sees DS as he chose to move! He stays at his parents when he has DS which is normally every fortnight, from Sat AM to Sunday PM.

Good luck with it all.

duffybeatmetoit · 02/09/2012 16:52

Thanks everyone. Everything is in my name alone. How do you go about finding a solicitor? I'm quite new to the area so don't know any locally or anyone I could ask.

He came, pretended everything was normal to DD which was so hard to take. Finally got him to talk to me and he said that he wished we'd never married, he doesn't love me and won't pretend any longer. A pretty categoric rejection. I have insisted that once DD is settled in school he has to come here and explain it to her with me present.

He has destroyed my memories and our little family. I can't take that I meant so little to him that he wouldn't try to work on our marriage. He came out with the usual crap about none of it being my fault and that he cared about me as the mother of his child.

OP posts:

Collaborate · 02/09/2012 18:40

If you mention where roughly you're based someone might be able to provide a personal recommendation. Otherwise check the resolution.org website.

Jux · 02/09/2012 22:06

Oh Duffy, what a cad! How dreadful for you; I'm so sorry. It does pretty final.

Look in Yellow pages for solicitors. Then you can either phone them all, or choose some according to some criteria, like how close they are to you, how easy to get to, and phone them. Ask about their experience and if they will give a free initial consultation.

Spero · 02/09/2012 22:12

I am sorry, it is a horrible, horrible thing to happen.

All I can say is that it does get better over time, but it won't be quick.

I don't think it is a good idea to do 'family' contacts when you will probably be feeling raw and hurt. Maybe some day, but not right now. What is important is that you are able to keep it together as primary carer of your child. Reassure her that she will see her dad, he still loves her, but you aren't a family any more. I agree that having him stay at the house is likely to give her false hope and make it harder in the long run. It will also be very hard for you.

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