Getting divorced, 2 children, don't know where I stand

[miamama09]

Posted this in Legal too.
I'm getting divorced from my dh, I have a 3 yr old dd and 7 month old ds.

Sorry - long back story to give reference:

Originally I am from a different area of the UK (plane journey distance), I moved here to be with him years ago.
The grounds are his unreasonable behaviour. Basically, when he's not at work he's not at home. Goes out very single evening and stays out all weekend with no contact.
He is a drug addict (cannabis daily at his friends house) and in my opinion an alcoholic (drinks every night and excessive amounts).

He wants me and the children to move back to where I come from, he has told me this. He refused to let me keep the mortgage on by myself (so as not to disrupt the children), as he wants to make money out of the property. Fair enough.
I am planning in going back home ASAP to look for rental houses for me and the children, still contributing to the mortgage here until our house is sold.

I am only on statutory maternity pay currently, which ends in September. After that I will not be able to afford to return to work and pay 2 full time childcare costs.
So I plan to transfer my mat pay to him to contribute.

After that ends, am I obliged to still contribute?

Originally he said he wanted to be amicable. But his actions show differently. He told me that if he is made to pay child maintenance then he won't be able to afford to come visit them.

Last weekend he went out on friday evening and came in 8.30am Monday morning (clearly not going to work), completely drunk and wired on drugs (cocaine, I can tell his signs and also seen a text on his phone the next day from his friend saying he was on a 'total cone down'.
All this In front of dd and ds. I put ds to bed, then found him hovering over the cot talking to him, having woken him up. Dd was asking all sorts of questions.
I ended up taking the children out.

My question really.... Ive put in the papers that I don't want him alone when visiting the children, as he has no idea how to look after ds/his routine and frankly I din trust him.
I'm not sure he will even visit them. I'm not sure whether to ask for child maintenance or not. If he's not going to visit them, I don't want him turning around after a few years having a claim over them because he's paid thousands In maintenance by order of the court.

I assume I have to let him see them, despite his behaviour in front of them?? I was so scared for us all on monday...

I want to make it as easy as possible for my children, but his family and friends have been, until recently when i made him aware, bullying me and ganging up on me via text and Facebook.

God, I don't even know what I'm asking. Please dont judge me, I've stayed and put up with it as long as possible, but it's started to affect dd and he's starting to let her down too.

Basically, I want to know about contact/visitation and child maintenance, and contributing to my mortgage whilst living elsewhere.

SO sorry for long long long post!

[foolonthehill]

I am not a legal eagle (and am rather tired so might be wordy)

In the eyes of the law child maintenance and contact between children and parents are seen as separate issues. The right of a minor to be maintained by their parent applies whether the parent is resident, away, estranged or divorced. the rates of maintenance for NRPs are easily calculated using the CSA website (unless he is self employed where it gets trickier).

Contact with the non resident parent (NRP) is for the sake of the children, not for the sake of the parent. Therefore i would strongly advise that before you go anywhere you document his substance misuse with the GP at least and also consider reporting it to children's services...a paper trail of problems before you leave would be helpful. His work record may also be used by the courts and it sounds like that will be useful to you. You can apply for supervised contact only either with a nominated person or an official centre who will at least look for signs of drugs and alcohol before letting him see them. And actually you do not have to let him see them unless he applies through the courts. you could also consider indirect contact such as SKYPE if visits are likely to be sporadic or difficult. (I know the DC are very young but it's a good safe way of keeping visual contact without the angst as the off button is close at hand)

Usually a court would prefer that the children's lives were disrupted as little as possible and therefore would most likely support you in remaining in the family home if you want to and could afford the mortgage. they would usually set a date for sale and division of the assets when the youngest child leaves full time education. It is not fair enough that he wants to make money out of the property (especially as you would presumably have a good idea where that money would be spent!). Your children have a right to be housed appropriately even if you do move and a reasonable split of the equity in the property should be agreed. Actually if he is forcing you to move then you don't have to contribute to the mortgage as your priority is to house, feed and clothe the DC and you before he has any claim on your money,

Do YOU want to move, if yes agree to the sale and get GOOD legal advice as to the split. (at least 60:40 IMO).

does this go some way to answering your questions??

there are some ok separation agreement templates on the web and you might think about going through one of these then getting some legal advice so it won't be thrown out of court as unfair or ill advised.

[miamama09]

Yes that helps a lot and is also a bit of a news flash to me...

I went to the mortgage company to find out if they would let me mortgage on my own, I have done the calculations and know I can afford the repayments, as do they BUT they said no, because the amount left on the mortgage was too high for them (I don't know what difference this makes as long I keep making the repayments but hey ho).
So as much as I would have liked to stay in the family home, it seems impossible.
So ive made my peace with going back home and think its probably for the best, given the treatment I've gotten from his family and friends.

As for his drink and Drugs issues... Would telling the gp actually do anything? Would he take my word for it and put it on his record?
I am unsure as to whether or not to tell family services... I don't want social services involved. I'm ashamed ive stayed this long and let my children live with such a man... Even though he's never looked after them on his own.
Still... I don't know whether I want them coming around and asking us all questions...

I will need to ask my solicitor if I am entitled to contribute to the mortgage here as well as pay rent on a new property. I am only leaving because I find it unbearable living in the same house as him when were separated. He says people do it all the time, when they have no other financial option but to pay mortgage OR rent on somewhere new, so most people stay living together until house sold as both obliged to cover mortgage until house is sold

Hmmmm