What constitutes "unreasonable behaviour" in divorce?

(61 Posts)
DoingItForMyself Thu 05-Jul-12 14:44:25

Does it have to be documented, big things or can you cite insults and incidents of selfishness etc? I don't want to have to wait 2 years to get it done, but with a background of low-level EA I don't have anything specific to hang it on.

Would it be easier for one of us to confess to a non-existent affair? Would an emotional affair suffice as I could probably muster one of those if I tried hard enough!

onetiredmummy Sun 29-Jul-12 19:57:35

Apologies OP I don't have time to read the whole thread but wanted to reply.

Unreasonable behaviour is behaviour *that is unreasonable to you*

There's no list that has acceptable or unacceptable behaviour that you have to tick off. If things such as consistently not coming home until late is unreasonable to you then use it.

skyebluesapphire Thu 26-Jul-12 21:06:11

debbie if you are entitled to legal aid my solicitor said that they insist on mediation before court. If he doesn't turn up doesnt matter as long as you do, then you get legal aid for the court case too.

My solicitor said that Judges don't think too much of men who don't turn up for mediation.

DoingItForMyself Thu 26-Jul-12 15:15:00

Hope it works out ok for you Debbie. I think they insist that you try through a mediator before they allow it to go to court? Its also generally cheaper than paying solicitors' hourly fees, so he's a fool not to accept that offer.

I was originally going to wait 2 years but actually found I was watching what I said & did so as not to aggravate him, as I don't want to end up losing out financially if I upset him.

I realised that after tip-toeing around him for the last 13 years, this was my chance to be free and extract myself from his clutches, so getting the divorce sorted seemed a bit more urgent than I first thought.

Having said that, I still haven't submitted the papers, they're in my drawer waiting for me to see a solicitor and make sure I do it right, but have no money at the mo!

debbievds Thu 26-Jul-12 14:24:33

I am just in the process of starting my divorce, I have been separated for 2 years and could have gone down the road of unreasonable behaviour but felt that I would not be able to cope with my two children if my ex's behaviour became nasty. Dealing with the solicitor now and my ex is consenting to the divorce but has stated he will not take part in any mediation. Not quite sure how this will work out - if for any financial discussions this would have to be settled through Court.

skyebluesapphire Thu 12-Jul-12 13:38:35

My STBXH was upset to get a letter saying I would be using UB as the reason but it was all I could use as he wouldn't start the divorce so he had to put up with it!

My solicitor put four reasons all relating to the emotional affair my H was having but won't admit to . And out OW name on the petition too.

Facebook chat, texts/emails through our holiday, 100 texts a day until he moved out, then he wrote me a nasty letter .

My H didn't defend the divorce but said he didn't accept the reasons and they would be challenged if repeated in any other context. I presume that this means that his solicitor told him that if I could prove all the points then there was no point in defending it, as he would have had to pay my costs too then.

I can just hear him sat there saying - well yes I did text her 100 times a day but it wasn't like that.....

Twunt!

According to the nasty letter he wrote to me he could have divorced me for my UB! But he couldn't be bothered so serves him right!

Collaborate Tue 10-Jul-12 23:39:38

Don't forget to send your marriage certificate too - the original or certified (green from the register office) copy.

DoingItForMyself Tue 10-Jul-12 17:15:47

Trouble is, we both agreed not to start spending money we don't have on solicitors if we can sort it out through mediation or with each other. Things have become rather more frosty since then, but I still don't want to start shelling out £££s for someone to do the basics - I'd rather save my money to spend on getting the financial settlement right! That will be the big battle, can't wait sad

Low-level EA is enough. I know because that's how I did it. No major things, just little things on and on and on and ...

It helps to write stuff for your solicitor. What mine suggested was say 'In the beginning he did this and said that. In the middle of the marriage it was like this. Towards the end it was like that. Overall I felt like this.' If you have a good solicitor, she will be able to turn that into something fantastic (for you not him haha)

DoingItForMyself Tue 10-Jul-12 17:06:27

Ah MW don't keep beating yourself up about the "many divorces" - it just shows that you're not a cynic, you still believe in love and partnership and being in a committed relationship even after being let down and hurt. Don't let the bastards change you.

Midwife99 Tue 10-Jul-12 16:56:26

Calling Collaborate! Dunno have always used solicitors for my many divorces blush

DoingItForMyself Tue 10-Jul-12 15:16:52

Thanks MW, nearly spat my tea on the keyboard at your comment !

so is that all I do now, print off the documents x 3 and send it to the court with the payment? Do I need to run it past stbxh or a solicitor first?

MsIndependence Tue 10-Jul-12 13:37:01

Go for it DIFM- I have printed off all 3 copies of my petition and state of arrnagements for children-now just need £340 to pay to pay to lodge it with the court!!!

Midwife99 Tue 10-Jul-12 11:34:05

PS My stbx is the same. All happy & cheerful. He can see DDs when he wants & in between do his own thing without being required to give anyone anything of himself except his cock to his cousin of course

Midwife99 Tue 10-Jul-12 11:22:49

Yes good for you Doing It!!

DoingItForMyself Tue 10-Jul-12 09:12:40

Yes he seems very happy now Butterfly, which is what he wanted all along, to live alone, see the DCs a few times a week, but with me there in the background still being on hand if he wanted a nice family meal occasionally or some sex .

All I can do is make it clear that I am not part of the deal anymore, so yes he can have the rest, but not as part of a marriage! I need more than that to be happy.

butterflybee Tue 10-Jul-12 05:45:57

Did I read earlier that he'd already moved out and is happy with the new dynamic? I think that's a pretty clear message on its own.

DoingItForMyself Mon 09-Jul-12 23:17:01

Marvellous, thanks! I always was a bit too wordy. If you think that is sufficient I'll take your expert opinion and get it done.

Midwife99 Mon 09-Jul-12 21:45:31

Brilliant collaborate (of course!)

Collaborate Mon 09-Jul-12 21:37:41

You could trim it down further: I suggest -

The respondent was unwilling to participate fully in family life.

He showed a lack of empathy and emotion in general, saying hurtful and insulting things about the petitioner's weight, food choices and appearance.

The respondent would check the petitioner's shopping receipts to see what she had spent money on, making the petitioner feel guilty about spending money on herself and the children, while did not consult with her over his own purchases.

The respondent suggested living apart as a way to reduce arguments in the relationship. This made the petitioner feel that the respondent no longer wished to be part of the family unit.

Midwife99 Mon 09-Jul-12 20:27:54

My opinion only but - delete "unable" to participate in family life. He was not unable only unwilling. Also delete "did not apologise" for saying nasty things. Just leave it that he said nasty things about your weight etc. I'll read on .....

DoingItForMyself Mon 09-Jul-12 19:47:07

Revised edition:

The respondent was unwilling and unable to participate fully in family life, stating in June 2012 that being asked to join in with family activities made him "feel angry" and that even if he had a choice to work fewer weekends he wouldn't want it. This made me feel alone in parenting much of the time, with no prospect of improvement. The respondent showed a lack of empathy and emotion in general, but especially towards the end of the marriage, not apologising for saying hurtful and insulting things about my weight, food choices and appearance. This made me feel unattractive and lacking in confidence. The respondent was financially inconsistent, checking my shopping receipts to see what I had spent money on, making me feel guilty about spending money on myself and the children, while he bought items for himself and made bids on ebay for unnecessary expensive items without any discussion with me. This made me feel unequal in the partnership due to not being in a position to earn an equal salary. The respondent suggested living apart as a way to reduce arguments in the relationship while remaining married. This made me feel that the respondent no longer wished to be part of a true family unit.

DoingItForMyself Mon 09-Jul-12 18:56:49

using I would definitely make it shorter, I just thought that was how it had to be worded as if a solicitor had written it instead of me, but I'll change it to I and to twat instead of respondent

MsIndependence Mon 09-Jul-12 18:51:49

Hi-if you do it online you can fit a lot in-see my case statement in previous post. My only suggestion would to be to use I rather 'petitioner' in order elicit more empathy from the reader and would be a smoother read but I'm not a legal personsmile

Midwife99 Mon 09-Jul-12 17:09:45

Collaborate?

DoingItForMyself Mon 09-Jul-12 16:44:50

How does this sound?

The respondent was unwilling and unable to participate fully in family life, stating in June 2012 that being asked to join in with family activities made him "feel angry". This made the petitioner feel that she was alone in parenting much of the time, with no prospect of improvement. The respondent showed a lack of empathy and emotion in general, but especially towards the end of the marriage, not apologising for saying hurtful and insulting things about the petitioner's weight, food choices and appearance. This made the petitioner feel unattractive and lacking in confidence. The respondent was financially inconsistent, checking the petitioner's shopping receipts to see what she had spent money on, making the petitioner feel guilty about spending money on herself and the children, while he bought items for himself and made bids on ebay for unnecessary expensive items without any discussion. This made the petitioner feel unequal in the partnership due to not being in a position to earn an equal salary. The respondent suggested living apart as a way to reduce arguments in the relationship. This made the petitioner feel that the respondent no longer wished to be part of the family unit.

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