I don't know how to carry on.

[daisystone]

H moved out in Summer after an arguement. I never thought is would escalate the way it has and now our house is being sold and my 16 month daughter and I are living somewhere else and relying mainly on benefits. I know he still loved me but said I had hurt him with my behaviour (some of which was post natal). I thought he was seeing a girl who was a shoulder to cry on when we first argued and he denied it every time I asked.

We have slept together a few times over the last eight months and discussed getting back together etc. Last week I found out he had moved in to his own place from his mother's where he said he still was. He had not told me he had moved. Then I found out he had moved in with this girl and then after a few days asked her to move out again. I called her and she confirmed he asked her to go but she would not say why. I texted him I knew and still he denied it and said I was creating 'alternate realities'. The last time we had sex was January when he stayed the night in my new house with my daughter and I and when we were going to sleep he said 'i love you' and when I did not respond because I was on the verge of sleep he said again 'i love you, can you hear me?'.

Today I went for an AIDS and std check. AIDS test needs to be after 3 months really for it to show in your system so I will have to go back again and have another test in a couple of months. It was hard and I cried in front of the nurse who was very understanding.

Why why why why did he move in with her for a few days and then have a change of heart? Why has he sent me messages and told me he still loves me and that he still only has eyes for me and has not even looked at another woman? I indicated a few weeks ago that someone had paid me some attention and he went ballistic and said it was too soon and he could not believe I was lining up his replacement so soon. All the time he was seeing her and planning on moving in with her. He lied and lied and lied and even when the lie is found out he still continued to lie.

He has also told me he is very ill and is receiving treatment but after speaking to the hospital and they checked his name and date of birth there is no record of him going there for tests or treatment. What is going on? I have tried contacting the girl for more answers but she avoids my calls . I know I should leave it and this marriage is dead dead dead but I don't understand and I can't seem to let it go. Why and how can he say he loves me so recently and then treat my daughter and I like this. He knows I went for tests today and not even an apology from him.

How do I get over this? I feel so lonely and so desperate and so lied to. I keep thinking about our wedding day and all the other lovely memories and I cannot believe this is the same person.

I am going to the doctor tomorrow because I think I need to speak to a counsellor.
I gave him my life. I had his child. How could he lie to me again and again?

[MyLittleMiracle]

So sorry you are having such a rubbish time of it. You are currently greiving for a relationship that is lost. We all go through this. I am now divorcing my exH, for other reasons. If you need to cry then do so, cry it out, i did, every night for weeks, but now i am getting my life on track, and you know what, we have been seperated 5 months, no contact and i would say that cutting contact is the best thing you can do, obviously you have a daughter and will need some contact, i am fortunate, mine will go through a contact centre cos of the violence there. Dont tell him anything about your private life.

Everyone takes their own time to heal, my marriage was dead a long time before i left, i see that now, and i was disconnecting emotionally, but 5 months on i am chatting to a new bloke, and considering meeting him. I am hoping he will be what i want him to be, the only thing i have ever wanted really, someone loyal and faithful!

[daisystone]

I know I have to severe contact. Actually it will probably be easier than you think seeing as he hardly ever asks to see his daughter and it has always been me saying would you like to come over and spend time with her.

No contact is the only way to go. That's fabulous that you are speaking to someone else and think he may be a good one. Fingers crossed he turns out to be everything he says he is.

Thank you for replying as it really does help. It makes me feel a tiny bit hopeful.

[springaroundthecorner]

Hi Daisy, so sorry to hear you are going through this. I did about 7 months ago. You are doing exactly the right thing by going to your doctor. Counselling is wonderful and I dont think I would in as good a place as I am now without it. Your doctor can also help if you go through the horrible stage of not sleeping. When I went to see mine I hadnt slept for 36 hours.

The advice about no contact is absolutely right but it is very hard, especially when all you want is answers. I found it impossible at first but once it happened it was incredibly liberating. That is when you start recovering.

I had all those terrible feelings you are having about being lied to especially. Recovery will come. Talk about it all as much as you can and get practical help.

[MyLittleMiracle]

Oh god i wanted the answers to why he cheated three times, why he used to treat me the way he did, bt the bottom line came down to him being a liar, so whats the point, all you hear back is going to be lies anyway and you are better than that!

It does get easier. I ahvent had any counselling. I wont say its been easy, but i have had no contact and since cutting contact i have healed so much, the physical scars are still there, the wounds, but they are just marks now, part of what makes me who i am today.

Get some good decent, upbeat music on, for girl power, start with natash beddingfield single and kelly clarkson stronger! And if I dare suggest britney spears i'm not a girl! And get dancing around again. It helps so much!

[daisystone]

Thank you. You're lovely. I so much want to feel better but I honestly feel I never will at the moment. It's dark.

[MyLittleMiracle]

The early days are dark, but there is light, i promise. I never thought i would get through it, but i have and you know what i feel so much stronger! Doesnt mean i am lonely just cos i am alone! WHAT DOESNT KILL US MAKES US STRONGER!! You can do it DAISY and we will be here every step of teh way, its these lovely people on ehre who got me through my tough times! It will be okay, think positively, and first of all cut contact. Dont suggest e comes to see his daughter, if he wanted to see her he would phone you, not the other way around!

We will get you through this and posting on here is a start, you admit your marriage is over. Thats the first step to healing and you will heal, believe me, you will. I sound so old writing this but i am only 23. I am not always the most sensible person in teh world, but everyone has told me i done the right thing!

[daisystone]

I will not contact him. There is nothing left to say. If he wanted to see our daughter he would - you are right. He always said and always says I have prevented him but I see that has always been a convenient excuse and means he has not had to put in the effort. I fucking hate him. I am obviously a shit judge of character. How can you treat someone like this who you have said vows to? Someone who you have professed your love to? Someone who you said you wanted to grow old with? It makes me so angry and bewildered.

Karma. I really hope karma deals with him.

[MyLittleMiracle]

I felt exactly like that, how can someone you love have changed so much, but they do! And if he was truly desperate to see his daughter he would get a solicitor involved, my ex has, but i suspect thats to make life difficult and requested mediation, but i think thats with the idea that i will see him cry and go running back or he can intimidate me into it! I DONT THINK SO, i am having mediation, but its in seperate rooms and we will leave seperately!

[daisystone]

Good for you. You sound like you have got your head in a good place. I have to work towards that.

[MyLittleMiracle]

And you will get to where i am now! All in time, time is a healer, and some of it isnt about knowing why, its just accepting it and moving on, its what i have had to do, but feel so good and at peace with myself. Make your new motif LIVE LAUGH LOVE, And enjoy doing it!

[daisystone]

That's the key isn't it? Accepting it without trying to understand it. I have always been the sort of person who wants to know why and to work things out but there is no way of working this out. He just doesn't want to tell me the truth and doesn't hold me in high enough regard to give me any honesty.

That is what makes me so sad when once we were best friends.

[MyLittleMiracle]

I know, i really do, i always used to want answers to understand why, cos i couldnt understand it, but at the end of the day you never will, so you eventually accept it and move on. I know i have, i got my divorce petition through today, and surprisingly I FELT OVER THE MOON, its a relief now.

I was once upon a time best friends with my ex. And the best thing to do is to change your mind set..... my moto is LIVE LAUGH LOVE! And i am doing exactly that, and take each day as it comes, and if you need a chat, you can always PM me.

[daisystone]

Wow - you've had a momentous day then! I cannot imagine feeling good about divoce papers at the moment. It makes me feel rather sick.

Had more texts today saying none of what I think is true etc etc and that I seem to have got it all wrong without actually explaining what he has been doing. I am so sick of it all. It is all that I am mad and accusing.

What can you do apart from try to rebuild your self-confidence and learn from the past.

[MyLittleMiracle]

Cut him off, change your number, i had to or they always wriggle back in. When i left i started doing my hair and make up, having my nails sorted and generally just looking after me again, cos i hadnt been. I started just being me again, laughing and giggling and being the girl i used to be back before i married, before i met him. It takes a while, and you are still freshly hurt. It will get easier. And believe me in my shoes you would be glad, it has finally severed all ties to the past. Now i just wait for him to sign his, and then i can apply for the decree absolut, which means i can get married again.....LIKE THATS GONNA HAPPEN ANYTIME SOON!

It feels good. My ex is going via solicitors for contact etc and we are attending mediation, this may happen for you as well. But you can ask for shuttle mediation, where you feel it would be easier etc to be in seperate rooms and of course not ideal but they will arrange it.

There are courses your health visitor can put you in contact with to start on confidence building, which may be helpful, and always look at the pluses, you have a roof over your head (i didnt, i was/am staying at mums but move ina little over a week into my own place), you have a gorgeous healthy daughter. You are getting yourself sorted, and you arent going back to a liar. ALL POSITIVES. It hurts like hell, but it gets easier.

[Happylander]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. The need to know will lesson over time as you get stronger and realise that you will never be told the truth and when your anger over it subsides. I wanted answers and was eaten up by the fact I wasn't really getting them and I also never knew what he did tell me was truthful. I now rarely want to know and quite frankly don't care as my life is better without someone that lies and cheats. It gets easier it really does.

Let him see your DD outside of your home and please stop sleeping with him you deserve better.

[MyLittleMiracle]

Have to agree happylander the OP does deserve so much much better!

[daisystone]

well now I have been tested for std's I shan't be going anywhere near him again. He can't see DD out of the house on his own as she does not really know who he is as is so little and he has not built up a relationship with her. I told him he needed to ages ago but I guess his priority was his girlfriend.
She would be upset and distressed if he took her off.
He doesn't have a car seat and he lives a good hour and a half away now so cannot take her to his place easily and I don't know what his place is like. It certainly won't have a cot for naps or a high chair etc...
So what do I do? I discussed all this with him before but he obviously did not listen.
I don't think he really cares about her that much anyway. He put her second (actually he put her at the bottom of the list) and he has no real connection to her. He just likes to use her to say that I am preventing him from seeing her and I am awful etc etc. He is always late with maintenance and doesn't ask what she needs or help with anything.
He really doesn't seem to give a damn.

[MyLittleMiracle]

Then maybe you should think about using somewhere mutual, like a contact centre. And get something done legally so its all sort of drawn up and formal, then there can be no arguements.

I am glad you seem so confident about not going back, and remember that in times of weakness, cos i had to, i looked at the scars i still carry, the stab wound, my tattoo and my fractured collar bone, which still sticks out, and it reminded me just of why i got away.

I hope your test comes back all clear for you.

MLM