how to tell dh i want a divorce

[reluctantmpvdriver]

I want to get a divorce but am having a hard time admitting it to myself and so getting on with it and my life. I feel that I am paralysed into inaction. I think i have been like this for a few years now . I feel on the brink of it bit also that i could carry on being on the brink for a few years yet. That is an awful thought and i am so aware that i am wasting my life. Does any one have any similar experiences to share? However can I get out of this rut? Any advice appreciated.

[reluctantmpvdriver]

I realised that the title of my post is about telling dh about wanting a divorce. Originally my question was how do i tell my dh about the divorce but i think the real issue is probably that i cant face up to it myself. Still if i can face up to it i have to face up to that to and i think hurting him and the children is also leading me to inaction. Any advice or shared experiences would be so helpful.

[pussweasel]

I am sorry I have no wonderful advice to give, but just wanted to say that I find myself in a similar situation. I become totally tongue tied and just cannot manage to start the conversation I have known for several years I need to have with my DP (of 23 years). I feel totally disgusted with myself for being such a coward and for wasting so much of my life on a dead relationship and on trying to formulate the words that so much chaos will ensue from.

My thoughts on getting out of the rut -

Get the children looked after, have a drink or two and just do it. (am considering doing this even though I no longer drink due to a medical condition)

Do some forward planning - work out the financial side, get advice. I did this a few months ago, but was horrified at the sutuation myself and the DC would be in

Get someone close to give you a cattleprod into action - I feel I can't burden my elderly parent and have not made any close friends where we now live (had to move a few years back)

Have considered seeing a counsellor to try to overcome my paralysis

I too am crippled at the thought of hurting the DC. My DP obviously dislikes me and barely speaks to me these days but he is a good father and I baulk at denying him that.

I just need to grow up!! and stop being a cowardly wretch - but I can't. Kind of hope that DP will finally bring it up but have little faith. I have always been the one to have to start difficult conversations or address business and personal isssues head on.

Good luck - sorry no one has replied- I was hoping for some words of wisdom too.

[orangina]

I'm not in the same position of either of you, but I wanted to react to something that pussweasel wrote:

"I too am crippled at the thought of hurting the DC. My DP obviously dislikes me and barely speaks to me these days but he is a good father and I baulk at denying him that."

I don't think being a good father (parent) and being divorced are either mutually exclusive or incompatible. You can be divorced and possibly be BETTER parents as a result, because you are not having to deal with personal unhappiness or relationship issues.

My parents were v unhappily married for as long as I can remember and stuck it out for 20+ years. I personally think I would have been better off had they separated many years earlier and given me a more positive model of relationships which is that they don't all work and getting OUT of an unhappy relationship is a STRONG thing to do, not only as a result of failure or seen as weakness......

[orangina]

(did that make sense?!)

[Pantone363]

I can only echo what someone else said. My parents were unhappily married for all our childhood and 'stuck' it out for us.

It was awful, they barely spoke other than formalities, the simmering resentment was awful. Please don't stay together for that reason.

[Worldwithwings]

That's a really hard position to be in MPV. I realise I wanted out of my marriage for a long time but had gone blind to that fact. I fell in love with someone who wasn't free and it threw me into turmoil but ended my marriage. It is all turning out pretty well but I don't recommend waiting til something buried deep inside you makes a desperate break for it (v painful!). Having said that I do think it's a very difficult thing to do, to end a marriage, without a catalyst. On the plus side I can tell you that (apart from my odd wobble) we are probably all happier now. The kids have been fine. I feel really relieved that the situation is different but more stable.

My parents stayed together and I don't think they've ever been happy. I find that very sad. I hope that seeing it is possible to survive it helps. My STBXH had parents very acrimoniously divorced and we wanted to make something different for us.

I also wonder whether it's worth posting in Relationships where threads like yours seem to get more traffic.

[Feckthis]

Oh god. I recognise the situation OP completley. Me too. Me too. Have you had any more thoughts?

[reluctantmpvdriver]

Hi - I have returned to find some response which is great - I am not in private at the moment so can't take time to respond properly but would love to share some more thoughts and ideas so this is just a post to say that I'll come back tomorrow when I have more privacy. Thanks all

[reluctantmpvdriver]

Hi - thanks so much for your responses. Pussweasel - you should not beat yourself up about being cowardly - I am beginning to realise that breaking up a marriage is a really brave and strong thing to do because it involves recognising that it is over and there is a lot of bravery in that.

Any way can't you flip that - ie you have to do the dirty work because he is too cowardly to?

I read somewhere that divorce can be harder to cope with than someone dying because it is not final in that you always have that grain of doubt that you are not doing the right thing. On the other hand I had lunch with my 86 year old mother last week who is nearing the end of her life - she does not tell me what to do but she did say 'you only have one life'. I have been thinking about that a lot lately.

I have found two relate books about divorce really good - one which is their book about helping the children deal with it and the other 'how to have a happy divorce'. I would recommend. In the early days I also read 'too good to leave too bad to stay' by Mira Kirchenbaum.

I think being ready is a good idea - I too got advice. There are still things I need to do - work out the assets - work out what my arguments on finances and children for when we start to discuss things, plan, plan, plan. I think I might be using the planning as to put off getting on with it and breaking up !. I think that given I have thought about little else for some time now I will in any event be at a more advanced stage than him and I will have to give him ages to take it all in before I can expect him to be ready to talk about the nitty gritty issues. So you don't have to have every single duck in a row before you start.

I looked at getting a counsellor and started with a promising lady from relate - I wanted to go alone - in order - as you are thinking - to decide for myself if I wanted to end the relationship but she persuaded me that I would not get the answer to that unless I heard him talk and give me some answers. So I agreed that he would come into the counselling too. I have to say that it did get us talking a bit and got me a bit closer to realising that that the relationship is not going to work for the future. If you are talking at all I think it would be a good thing to do joint counselling just to understand together that the relationship is at an end. We did not quite get there because we both gave up really but I think that if you can talk counselling could be good - after all if you have kids you have to learn to any way .

I am thinking of going for more counselling elsewhere now - alone - at least to help me support myself and the kids..

I am very interested to understand people's perceptions of being children of people in unhappy marriages. I don't know how to handle this at all. It is complex because partly because of the situation my DH has become an insomniac - and he does not get up in the day until well past noon - so the kids don't see him half the time - this has been going on for a year - it is clear that there is an atmosphere between us but we try to go on the rest of the time as normal and be 'jolly'. I have explained to the kids that DH does not sleep too well which is why he does not get up but I think that (at least the oldest one) realises something is horribly wrong - he seems sadder than usual and confused but that could be just his age .. or nothing. Kids sense it though. They must. Pantone - I would be really interested in understanding how you sensed that 'simmering resentment'

[madgered]

Very helpful advice reluctantmpvdriver. I am in the same situation as you. The thing that is stopping me is fear. fear of being alone, fear of coping with 4 children, fear of ever finding a job and fear of falling out with my children because I left daddy. but as you say planning and advice is the starting point. I will make that appointment.

the trouble with me is, I do love my husband very much. but I have sensed a withdrawal from him over the years. when I try to talk about it. He walks away telling me not to "start that again" and the subject isn't broached again for a while. I'm turning into a surly nagging wife and I don't like it.

[reluctantmpvdriver]

I wonder if you were to start the 'I want a divorce' conversation, that might give him the impetuous to talk about your relationship and his withdrawal. If he refused to talk you would at least know that it can't go on like that. But if he talked maybe you could work on things. I know fear stops you - find out a bit about your rights first - so you feel less in the dark at least so that would take some of the fear away.

Do you think he would be difficult with the kids and blame you ? - the relate book I read stressed that both parties have to put aside grievances and make it clear to the kids that it is a joint decision - you might need to coach him in that. I am facing the same fears - I hope that my husband will have the decency to put the kids interests first .

I have turned into a complete b*h. by the way. It's horrible. Doesn't do either of us any good.

We are going on holiday over Easter - partly dreading this - partly looking forward to getting a break and being away from the misery of home - but I think when I get back I will tell him.

Got to do some planning first though .... :)

[gettingeasier]

My xh left our unhappy marriage and although for me it was very painfl the knowledge it was for the best helped me through the dark times. I loved him still but he didnt and actually there was a great sense of relief at being released from that

He had an OW on hand at the end but even so I dont think he skipped into the sunset either.

In short yes its hard but if handled correctly the DC are fine and mine are still happy and flourishing 2 years on

I have moved from our stunning family home, got 2 crappy PT jobs and am almost divorced and I cant remember the last time i cried if that makes sense !!