Mumsnet Talk

Although my STBEX H had an affair and left when I found out, up until that point I'd have said he was a good father to our 3 DSs. I've just received his financial settlement offer. Maintenance is the bare minimum that the CSA demand. Up until 18 or until they leave education, whichever comes first. In two of our DSs cases, that will be within a month of them starting the upper sixth. So almost a year before they will leave school.

Both my exH and myself are degree educated and I cannot believe that he truly wants to make it difficult for his DSs to get their A levels.

I gave up my career when our DSs were born, by agreement with exH. He continued his career and is pretty well off. I work as a TA in a school, part time so that I can be there for the DC. DS2 is autistic so I can only work school hours if I am to adequately support him. ExH has offered the princely sum of £1 a year spousal maintenance. He earns nearly 10 x as much as I do.

I think I'm asking, is this likely to be what he really wants to do or is this normal for his solicitors to advise him to start with the bare minimum. However badly he behaved over his affair, I did really think he was still a pretty decent guy underneath, but now I'm in tears and feeling he has no compassion at all.

I think the £1 spousal maintenance is to keep the door open in future years...in case he had a windfall or something. If this isn't included, it is harder to claim.

However, if your working capacity is limited by your DCs needs then I would be pushing for spousal maintenance of a liveable amount.

It hurts when your whole married life is brought down to figures on a piece of paper, doesn't it.

Sorry, didn't answer your question. My solicitor didn't play games. He just told H what we needed as a family to survive. However, I ended up paying H more for the house as I felt the figures to be too low.

Ask your solicitor. He will immediately say whether the offer is a first and a joke.

Divorce is adversarial so his solicitor may have advised him to do this.
Why not try to work out a reasonable settlement via a liaison service. It will be much cheaper and hopefully you can both agree on a fair settlement without being set against each other as you would be in court

Thing is, he told me months ago that his solicitor had advised him to come to an agreement directly with me as this would save us both fees. He's made no attempt to do that, though. This is the first I've seen or heard of any offer.

It's very upsetting. I've been really strong for months now, but this has had me in tears for the first time in ages.

Sorry, meant to say thank you for your replies.

How awful! I'm not surprised you are in tears .

Do you have a solicitor of your own?

I do, it's just that I received it on Saturday, so can't talk to them until Monday. I can't think of anything else at the moment. I can't believe he'd make such a derisory offer even with his solicitor's advice.

CSA maintenance lasts until a child turns 19 if they are still in full time secondary education and you are entitled to ask for this.
It's hard to know whether the maintenance bit is crap or not without knowing the rest of the deal. What is his position on your joint assets?

Pretty much 50/50. I will get the house and car and he will get all the investments/savings. I will have no access to any saved cash at all. I'll keep an old endowment policy that has 4 year until it matures, he has one that is virtually identical.

So he's offering less than the CSA demands?

Are your house and car fully paid for? Is the value of the investments etc that your STBXH equivalent to the value of the house and car?

You have a case for spousal maintenance if your children are going to be living with you in the formal marital home and they need your support and presence because of age/SN. But you will need to argue it convincingly.

You poor thing, I can't imagine how betrayed you must feel

Surely if he will support your older two until they leave education then he will carry on supporting them if they do a degree after school?

I don't know much about the subject at all but that does seem very aggressive

House has only £6000 left on the mortgage, car is fully paid for. Division of assets is roughly equal, depend on how much you'd value the house, his half of the equity of the house would be approximately equal to all the savings, if I was left with the £6000 mortgage it would be almost exactly equal. I have the car, he has his motorbike.

You could probably swap capital assets for spousal maintenance - so either buy a cheaper house or let him have a call on the value of the house once the kids have left home?

Are you able to discuss directly with your ex rather than through solicitors?

I strongly suspect this letter is his solicitor talking not him, and your solicitor on Monday will prepare a counter request asking for the maximum. Rather like haggling for something in a bazaar. I'm very sorry he seems to have skipped the mediation route when it comes to sorting this issue out. Could he have misunderstood and been expecting you to come to him with a proposal, and got fed up waiting? No experience of divorce btw, but did have to go through hoops to get child maintenance from exDP.

No, I did tell him months ago that I was expecting him to make an offer. I hold most of the savings in my name so he needs it to be settled if he wants to buy a house with his OW. Is there really no recompense for my low earning potential due to childcare or the fact that I came into the marriage with £20000 in savings an equity and he had £20000 negative equity? That was 17 years ago, so maybe water under the bridge?

Ellen anything over 10 years is condsidered a "long marriage" (ours was 17 too) therefore all assets & debts are considered jointly, take one from t'other & 50% each.

Try not to get upset, it is awful when it all come down to brass tacks especially as you are the injured party as it were.

I'm sure it's just the first in a game of ping-pong between solicitors. If you can persuade him to go to mediation it does help speed things up & costs less.

Thanks, I should consider mediation, then. I can't actually talk to him face to face except for organising to drop off the DC, etc. Still too painful. Will mediation expect us to talk with each other? I'm sure I'll get better at it, but TBH, this offer has made things worse, if anything.

What about his pension fund? A lot of ex's solicitors conveniently overlook this, even though it is a huge component of 'assets' (often more than the value of the house).

He's got a private pension, so not very wonderful. Apparently I can have half of it's current value as a pension in the future. Won't be much.

Worth less than 1/2 the house.

When we did mediation we had to each have a session on our own with the counsellor to outline our issues.

Then we had to fill out a form with all our assets & debts on to show what each had coming in & going out.

Then the counsellor go us both together to talk it through, each being given a chance to speak. It would have worked quite well if my ex hadn't dug his heels in over his assets being from before we were married.

IF you can both keep it together & not get upset or angry (although the counsellors are trained to help with this) then it can be a useful tool.

You then both sign a document agreeing what was discussed & agreed on
(a letter of intent I think it was called) technically it is not a legal document but if it saves a few months of legal ping-pong it saves loads of money as it can then be taken to the solicitors and made official.

Worth a try!

Thank, bossy. In fact thanks to all. Making me less tearful. [brave smile]