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Feeling hopeless and helpless

(3 Posts)
tee99 Tue 10-May-16 11:56:12

Hi
I would like some feedback on if I am right or wrong and what I should do.
I was in a violent relationship (violence started the day after I went on maternity leave when I was eight and half months pregnant) but got as soon as I could safely.
Roll on a few years of intermittent visits by his father my DS was having problems at school, after a 3 year battle with school and it seemed like the world. He was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. At this stage he hadn't seen his father in over 2 years. But I had everything under control, he was flourishing at school and outside school in sports- BMXing, football and swimming and wining trophies. All was calm at home.
Then with the appearance of his father, whom was arrested on 3 occasions for threatening me and DS and his older brothers ( I have 3 older sons) his behaviour deteriorated so badly that eventually he was permanently excluded from school. It took 4 weeks to find another school that was suitable for him. Then another 2 weeks to fight to get the funding. I did sort it but had now been off work for 3months.
His deterioration of behaviour included attacking me with knives until I locked them away, smashing my phone, laptop,tv, washing machine glass door, his bedroom window, running away home, jumping out of the car whilst I was,driving and when I was in traffic, kicking my car dashboard breaking the indicators etc, trying to kick out the windscreen, ripping up his brothers A level work , another brother degree work, trying to hang himself from the banister with his duvet cover, self harming, pouring bleach on my face (when I had fell asleep from exhaustion). Police were constantly at the house.

The final straw came when he asked to see his dad ( this was the first tine, he had asked) and I said I would sort out a safe place with someone who could be with you, he boiled the kettle and demanded that if I didn't let him go that day he would pour the kettle over me. I could not get the kettle off him and spent an hour outside trying to talk him out of pouring the boiling water over me.
So I gave in and took him to see his dad.

His dad refuses to hand him back and he is refusing to come home. I am to frightened to get him back as I know the violence will continue from DS and also his father.
His brother's don't want him back as they say it peaceful without him and they have exams. They say I am safe without him and I look better. I gave returned to work after 3 months off.
I feel torn. A failure and just hopeless. My friends who some had seen him attack me. Say I should leave him with his father as that's where he wants to be .
He's 11.
What should I do.. Suggestions please. Sorry its long.v

theanswerisstillno Fri 20-May-16 15:41:07

Tee99,

my heart goes out to you.

You've been through some awful things and coped admirably all things considered.

Firstly, congratulations on leaving your abusive partner. That takes immense strength and personal resolve. So hats off to you.

Secondly, well done for resolving the educational challenges your son faced - to see him content, stable and flourishing - bringing home trophies - is amazing considering the trauma that he and your family had experienced.

Which makes it all the more bittersweet I suppose that your abusive partner has found a way back into his life despite your hard work to move your family on.

The ASD and ADHD bring an added dimension to this and your son is extra-vulnerable because he's living with a man who doesn't necessarily understand what he's been through, the progress he's made, and how best to support his development.

On top of that, he has a history of violence.

Your son is also displaying violent behaviours which might be a symptom of ASD + puberty hormones? or perhaps just a burgeoning new awareness of his 'difference' (loath to use the word) so all things considered, it wouldn't strike many people as a sensible match of parenting and child needs.

What's missing from your story is the support networks that you absolutely need to access right now. Here are a few suggestions:

Social Services childrens' team: tell them that you have a safeguarding concern for your child - explain what's going on, that you're worried about your son's welfare and development, and that you want him back with you, but need support to be able to manage this new behaviour he's presenting. He might need some specialist input from professionals, but there's no reason to assume he can't come over the feelings that are driving the aggression in the future given some time. People have such a negative view of social services but they always want to keep families together and supported if they can. If your partner has a history of abuse and can't demonstrate that he is aware of, and able to meet your son's needs, then that's a concern for them.

Gingerbread: charity for single parents - call them! see what they suggest

National Autistic Society - speak to them about the new behaviour he's presenting and what they'd suggest you do to get some help to manage it

Domestic Violence charities - there are a few, and often there are support projects locally. Not all of them focus on the act of leaving - some are there to ensure you can stay safe in the long term. one example is DART by the NSPCC (https://www.nspcc.org.uk/services-and-resources/services-for-children-and-families/dart-domestic-abuse-recovering-together/)


most important of all: you are not alone, there is hope and there is help.

take care

TAISN x

tee99 Fri 20-May-16 21:23:02

Hi Taisn
Thank you for your response.
We have SS but the SW has said that as he's happy with dad, that's ok!! The SW saw him attack and said that he was impressed on how calm I was! His dad is not engaging with SS and so they want me to go to family therapy. You really cant make this up..
All the hard work that I have achieved with DS has been undone in a matter of weeks by a man who will not engage with all the people involved and says that they isn't anything wrong with his son. He's in denial and is still controlling everything.
I will just have to pick up the pieces again once he gets bored and disappears again.

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