ex moving boyfriend into marital home

(66 Posts)
dogtired190 Fri 30-Aug-13 22:17:21

wife moved in new boyfriend without telling me.
i left her a year ago for another.have continued to pay house bills and mortgage (£800 a month)still go to house regularly as garage is also my workshop. have two children 18 and 16. wife on low income + benefits only, recently started working part time after 20 years
should i continue to pay ? can i tell him to pay rent? can i ask him to go?
what should i do???

I assume that the house is also still yours?

And that you will benefit from the sale when the children have grown up?

If the above true then nothing - the house is provided as a home for the children.

dogtired190 Fri 30-Aug-13 23:01:22

are you saying he doesnt have to pay anything? and i continue to pay over and above what i could

CoffeeandScones Sat 31-Aug-13 08:04:51

Well, are you divorced and have court agreed financial arrangements? I guess not if you still own the house.

Wasn't clear from your post whether you were paying the £800 voluntarily, as it were.

But he's not obliged to pay anything, no.

Have you not agreed the financials in the divorce?

Unless you want your house repossessed then isn't paying for the house the best thing for you?

Once the children have grown in 2/3 years you can then sell it?

Remember, he's her boyfriend - not the father of the children - he has no responsibility to them - you and your ex do.

You're not really saying that your ex who has to still live with the children and provide the day to day care shouldn't have a partner ? You've got one, why shouldn't she?

If you haven't sorted out the financials then maybe you would prefer to fight to sell the house - obviously you will still have to pay 15-25% as contribution for the children but maybe you feel that's financially better for you?

Or maybe you prefer to gain financially by continuing to pay into the property to sell at a later date?

dogtired190 Sat 31-Aug-13 09:07:54

am paying voluntarily, not yet divorced.been trying to do things right by keeping them in a house she cant afford alone, hoping to settle financially in a year or so.(i hear of so many splits where father ceases any payment)

am living with my partner but only paying her £50 a week. she feels that she is paying for him to live at my house in effect. its not that i want dont want her to have a partner but am concerned about lack of consultation. he would have to pay rent elsewhere why should he freeload?

if i split with my partner (which happened briefly because of tensions with ex)i cannot afford to rent for myself and still pay for the house.
what then?

headlesslambrini Sat 31-Aug-13 09:15:53

sorry but why the hell should she need to 'consult' with you? Your name maybe on the deeds but you left. Do you feel that by providing a home for your children, then this still gives you some say over your ex?

NatashaBee Sat 31-Aug-13 09:25:14

If you don't like it, why don't you move forward with the divorce quicker so that you can agree the financials?

dogtired190 Sat 31-Aug-13 11:21:59

ok lets add a bit more detail on the new boyfriend, he doesnt have a job, he left his ex wife in huge debt and has also caused two fairly serious fires where he lived
any thoughts?

NatashaBee Sat 31-Aug-13 11:26:37

If that is the case I would be more concerned for the children than how much of the mortgage I was paying.

Zoe900 Sat 31-Aug-13 11:30:19

you left her for another woman, and you're not happy she has a new man? why do you think the new man should pay for your children?

honestly you don't sound like a nice man at all. YOU left HER. That was your decision. That must have been horrible for her. Now she has met somebody else and you want to fuck up her life again???

the new man will have no rights over the house so you don't need to worry about that.

I am a single parent and my x has made my life more difficult for me at various stages along the way, which in the past made me frustrated, bitter, unhappy, stressed, angry, it is not easy to raise demanding children when you feel like you have fuck all left in the tank. It is easier to do the very hard job of raising children when your x behaves decently and takes responsibility.

Zoe900 Sat 31-Aug-13 11:31:23

he started two fires where he used to live? and your wife has him living with her children? why do I find it hard to believe that you didn't mention that detail first. hmm

AlbertaCampion Sat 31-Aug-13 11:36:35

If it's any consolation, the new man's residency & income (such as it is) will likely be considered by the court when your wife's settlement is decided. Get what proof you can that he lives there though: envelopes with his name on, that sort of thing.

SmileAndPeopleSmileWithYou Sat 31-Aug-13 11:39:27

Honestly, I don't think the situation is fair.
The best thing to do is sell the house and she can move in with her boyfriend somewhere else. You can then pay maintenance for your children and the boyfriend will have to pay rent/bills to live somewhere else.

I agree with you, why should he freeload? It isn't about him paying for your children, its about him paying to live in your house.

Spaghettio Sat 31-Aug-13 11:43:11

If you only pay your partner £50 aren't you "freeloading" from her?

Pan Sat 31-Aug-13 11:49:34

I'd think overall there's not a lot you should be able to do. Your financial interests are left untouched, and you are continuing to be a good non-res dad by supporting your children in maintaining a home.

The financial status of new bf is immaterial. IF he was a millionnaire or a pauper you'd still be arguing he is 'freeloading'. Or rather looking at it another way, possibly providing day-to-day support and availability for your dcs and ex- which you decided to withdraw?

I can see why at first glance it could seem rather unfair, but 1. dcs are adults (almost) and this situation has a shelf life and 2. you aren't a victim here.
all imho

clam Sat 31-Aug-13 11:52:55

Lighten up, MN! I think the OP has a valid concern here.
What would the CSA suggest you pay? Would that help as a starting point?
Failing that, you probably need to formalise your arrangement and get going on the divorce details and settlement.

Pan Sat 31-Aug-13 11:58:38

I don't think anyone needs to lighen up tbh hmm - we have been asked to analyse a set of circs and that is what is happening.
Bt yes get on with the divorce stuff if you are unhappy about the circs. Tho' financially it may harm you as you're responsible still for the children and it could be quite tactically disadvantageous for you?

TakingThePea Sat 31-Aug-13 12:07:15

I think the OP has a valid point too....

Who owns the home? Both of you or just you?

Zoe900 Sat 31-Aug-13 12:13:11

Agree with Pan. What does lighten up mean? does it mean just shrug over the fact that he feels hard done by that the woman he left now has a McDaddy in the house? He wants the man whose good character HE questions to pay towards his own children's upbringing. This attitude is selfish and needs to be challenged. What OP feels is that the sacrifice for parenting should be borne mostly by his wife. He says that he is paying more than he has to (legally) which is different from paying HALF what it costs to raise children. He wants a pat on the back for paying while he's not legally obliged to pay. This gives you an insight in to his mind set imo. The sacrifices for parenting are for women, something that you can walk away from, negotiate downwards, pass on to a man who has no job and starts fires hmm

dogtired190 Sat 31-Aug-13 12:16:33

yes i feel i am freeloading my partner but with a time limit ie house sold, and she has been very understanding but i`ll be damned if i`m gonna pay for his ease! i would be delighted for ex to meet a sane and solvent partner, it would make life happier for all of us. my ex and i didnt discuss the scenario of boyfriend moving in so it came as a shock to me,
the ex has removed me as a named driver on `our` car so he drives it now and i cant but i pay the premiums! my daughter came home after being away to find him there, not having been told.
i feel ex is trying to keep her grip on the house (as she wants to keep the house even though she cant afford it)and is making unilateral decisions about the property, yet expects me to pay regardless.
she has demanded i hand over my keys, and has said she would let me off any maintenance if i sign the house over (equity of £270k) she doesnt want my children to meet my partner (they havnt yet in a year).
ex is a very frustrating girl but i think a little thought and dialog would have avoided any trouble, she is calculated in getting her revenge no doubt

Pan Sat 31-Aug-13 12:39:27

sorry, OP much of my sympathy for you has just ebbed away. It appears you want the control over two domestic arrangements, that being based on your sense of financial control.
and the 'girl' ref didn't help either.
hope things go to the best outcome possible.

AnyFucker Sat 31-Aug-13 13:08:14

Oh dear, your new love's young dream turning into a bit of a nightmare ?


dogtired190 Sat 31-Aug-13 13:13:33

maybe you`re right, it is the lack of control that frustrates and the financial control is all i have. i have tried my hardest to keep a stable situation for them for a year, thanks to my girlfriend i could, but she is not happy for my ex to have her bills paid with another guy living free. she has recently dropped her income to £12k so money is an issue, i earn £12k
if i was single and renting a property there would be little or no money to keep a roof over their heads. forcing a sale and divorce is the way forward but that is going to be very hard on them too.
the churlish comment about wanting a pat on the back was unnecessary i DO think i deserve some credit yes, the amount of girls i talk to who get nothing from their ex`s astounds me! its quite easy to walk away, pay nothing, not see kids and still own half of property. that is something i cant bear!

clam Sat 31-Aug-13 13:45:59

I don't see anywhere where you've said you expect your ex's new boyfriend to support your children. I presume your objection is about paying (all?) the mortgage for him to live there free?
And I agree that it seems a bit much that you are paying insurance premiums on a car that is yours but that you're unable to drive, but that he is. What would the effect on your children be if you stopped paying that?

holidaysarenice Sat 31-Aug-13 13:52:52

Personally I wud post this without saying ur the dad and ud get a lot better advice.

Car wise - take his off. Ring the company and remove him if ur paying for it. If its ur car, take it back, or give it to ur daughter to drive themselves about.

I would advise ur wife that money will be changing as u can no longer sustain it. If she doesn't afford it she will have to move.

kickassangel Sat 31-Aug-13 14:04:17

So get divorced and get it sorted.

You are obliged to support your children until they are independent. That may mean indirectly giving money to your ex who then uses it as she sees fit. But you have no right to tell her who can drive the car or stay in the house.

It isn't the marital home, you left the marriage.

Or are you delaying the divorce so you can use the garage then sell the house when your younger turns 18?

If you have genuine concerns about the safety of your kids, raise them properly, but it bears no relationship to the finances.

78bunion Sat 31-Aug-13 14:09:18

The problesm here are because no one earns much 0 the new lover, the father/poster, the ex wife - none of them even as much as the minimum wage so I suspect the tax payer is also picking up some of the cost in tax credits etc (i.e. the rest of us).

Secondly sort out the divorce finances now - she has offered she takes the equity - she is not likely to get it all even though she probably sacrificed her career to bring up the children as the youngest will be 18 in 2 years. She might get 70% perhaps of the £270k and perhaps then a clean break for you from supporting her. Someone will also need to help pay for these children at university too and house them half the year in university holidays. See a solicitor and then reach agreement with the ex negotiating the divorce settlement. Next time round seek higher earner women - do not make the same mistake again.

clam Sat 31-Aug-13 14:27:03

Why does he have no say over who drives the car if he's paying the insurance?

kickassangel Sat 31-Aug-13 15:49:58

Clam, he could get divorced, pay maintenance and ex w pay insurance.

Instead he is using the property still, paying the bills and confusing the duty to support his children with the right to tell his ex how to live. He has left the marriage and still wants to tell ex w how to live.

A clean break would be better for all of them.

Op, why isn't the divorce going ahead? I see no reason for delay.

headlesslambrini Sat 31-Aug-13 16:15:24

FFS cancel the car insurance but give your ex at LEAST one months notice that you are doing so, so that she can arrange her own insurance. As to the rest of it, I'd say Karma has just hit home. Grass isn't always greener on the other side, is it? You left your wife and DC's, you made this mess so live with it. I have no sympathy for you at all in regards to this. Whoever your ex takes up with is, has nothing whatsoever to do with you, whether he is solvent or not, is nothing to do with you and unless you can prove arson then his past has nothing to do with you. Stop trying to control this situation, you gave up any rights over this when you had the OW.

It doesn't really matter what the rest of the world does or doesn't do in relation to paying bills etc so no actually, you do not deserve a pat on the back and the fact that you said that you do, says alot about your character IMHO. This is between you and your ex. Make a clean financial break. get legal advice and fucking move on with your life.

colditz Sat 31-Aug-13 16:43:15


She is old enough to have an eighteen year old child, and she's still considered by you to be a GIRL?

NumTumDeDum Sat 31-Aug-13 17:21:53

It's a patronising term isn't it. 'Girl'.

I also urge you to seek legal advice.

Spottypurse Sat 31-Aug-13 17:25:48

You are coming across as very controlling and frankly manipulative.

SoupDragon Sat 31-Aug-13 17:38:11

Out of interest, how much would it cost you to rent a workshop elsewhere?

TiredDog Sat 31-Aug-13 17:55:02

My ex is a frustrating little boy. He too thought he'd be able to pop back to marital home and the status quo would remain the same

You're not her mother. She's a woman not a girl. She's entitled to a love life just as you are to yours. At least she had the decency to wait until the marriage was over. Did you ask her permission or your DCs before you moved the OW into everyone's lives?

Paying maintenance, paying spousal maintenance is probably your legal obligation not a favour. If it isn't then sort it legally. Don't assume it gives you control. You don't have a harem to control

volvocowgirl Sat 31-Aug-13 18:06:56

Divorce and sort the financials now before it gets any messier.

dogtired190 Sun 01-Sep-13 15:31:02

well thank you for all the posts, its been very interesting to hear other opinions. the balance say i`m wrong to be upset its not my concern anymore and get divorced. some support for my position.
to put it in extremes its suck it up or pull the plug!
not one post has suggested talking it through with the ex and getting an agreement of some sort which is really all i wanted, and that is what we are doing. it isnt easy but we know that we do have to communicate to avoid conflict. ante rather than post bf would have been preferable, but she expressed regret for that. he will also be paying rent!
i`m not a bad man, vindictive or controlling i just like to see the bumps in the road before i hit them. my ex and i know for all our differences that happiness for all is the desired result despite the hurt
thanks again

Spottypurse Sun 01-Sep-13 16:00:24

A word of advice. Unless your ex is under 18 she's not a girl. That shows your attitude to her in a nutshell.

colditz Sun 01-Sep-13 17:30:39

Everyone has given you advice ... O you're going to completely ignore that and do what you are already doing and what isn't working.

Good choice!

TiredDog Sun 01-Sep-13 19:36:35

ante rather than post bf would have been preferable. Probably similar could be said of starting a new relationship whilst married I imagine

NumTumDeDum Sun 01-Sep-13 19:59:23

The majority said to seek legal advice and get an agreement. Which involves talking it through but with a realistic idea of what a court would be likely to decide, ie knowing your position before commencing discussion.

MisForMumNotMaid Sun 01-Sep-13 20:12:30

Have you ever considered mediation?

It sounds as though emotionally you're both moving on but financially their is no exit plan.

With £270k equity between you theres money to help your dc find their feet in a couple of years (rent deposits etc) and even after costs to have a decent amount to put down on somewhere/ invest yourself.

In the meantime if your ex lives in the house with new partner a rent element coud always be deducted from her share, morally assuming you'd pay a percentage of the household costs and maintenance also.

Zoe909 Mon 02-Sep-13 20:29:58

"financial control is the only control I have".

hmm. You left your x for another woman and yet you feel entitled to have control.

Just because some men walk away and pay nothing doesn't make you worthy of a round of applause for paying something towards your own children. So, you're not a deadbeat. Great, neither is their mother. Their mother is not a deadbeat either. IN fact the bulk of the sacrifices of parenting will fall to her if she is the main carer.

As for feeling guilt for "freeloading" with your new gf, I think you need to think about what your real responsibilities are. Your first responsibility is to maintain a stable home and pay maintenance for your children. Only after you have done that can you find space in your head to feel guilty for not paying towards your gf. This is the woman who wanted you despite knowing you had a wife and kids.

78bunion Tue 03-Sep-13 11:11:37

Yes, most of us were recommending reaching agreement - including my post. You need to finalise the divorce once and for all with an agreed consent order. Make an offer after taking legal advice and then have solicitors write it into a consent order once it is agreed and have the court seal it.

Twiddlebum Tue 03-Sep-13 11:23:00

Yet again an op getting a hard time for simply sounding out an idea!!!! confused

If the op is paying for bills/mortgage why should he pay for the electricity, water,gas, etc used by the new BF??

The op is doing right by paying as he is but I don't think it is unreasonable that the new BF should contribute the the bills etc instead of freeloading!

SoupDragon Tue 03-Sep-13 11:31:11

Yet again an op getting a hard time for simply sounding out an idea!!!!

No he didn't. Advice was give, questions were asked, stuff was ignored...

Zoe909 Tue 03-Sep-13 23:04:14

he wasn't simply sounding us out. he wanted to be told that he was good for paying when "he didn't have to" and for people to sympathise at his loss of control. he needs to let his x have some of the freedoms he's enjoyed whilst still remembering his responsibility is to his children before his gf.

Twiddlebum Wed 04-Sep-13 04:45:42

Zoe, you sound very bitter and seem determined to take it out on this op regardless. When relationships break up its hard and never going to be easy with financial stuff etc but I do believe that SOME men get an unnecessary hard time for walking away. Would you prefer all men to stay in an unhappy relationship all their life?? Preventing both partners from meeting someone better suited!? I know a few men that are in the op's position and its certainly not easy for them!! As for walking away leaving the children..... I'm sure many men would love to have custody of their children.... Could you imagine the uproar if they did... They can do no right!!

Zoe909 Wed 04-Sep-13 12:28:46

I am not going to detail my personal circumstances to you but I have nothing to complain about. There may be an element of cognitive dissonance on your part there, if you think that I must be 'bitter' just because I recognise an entitled mind set when I see it.

I wonder why you are motivated to collude with the OP in believing he is entitled to admiration/gratitude for paying maintenance? Sympathy is one thing, but to encourage the OP's idea that he is a little bit hard done by, or, that he has a grievance when his wife finds a new partner - it comes across as though you have some issues..

But that can be your thread! Here on this thread, it does the OP no good to have his sense of entitlement nurtured. Whether he likes it or not the relationship between he and his xw will work better if the sacrifices of parenting are equalised, and he adopts a little self-awareness. This will help him relinquish the control he admits to wanting, and to behave in a respectful, sympathetic way in order to nurture a more egalitarian co-parenting plan.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 04-Sep-13 18:40:20

Interesting that when a man moves in with a woman a contributes nothing he is a cocklodger.

Yet the cocklodger that moves into the house that the OP is paying for is just his ex's dp.

If the op is paying for this man to live rent free then the op is deserving of some sympathy.

Zoe909 Wed 04-Sep-13 19:24:11

If the op's wife came here and gave us the same story her x has given us, I'd definitely advise against moving a man into the family home on the grounds that it's a bit soon. Also,personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable supporting a man when I were a 'dependent' (financially) myself. But the OP's wife hasn't come here looking for advice on what to do.

OP may indirectly be subsidising a cocklodger but given that he left the marriage for another woman is he in a position suggest to his wife that he control her life? He could try but I don't think it would be for the best.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 04-Sep-13 21:25:42

just because "he left the marriage for another woman"
does not mean that he should have to cocklodger.

Although the OP has been honest in saying that he cheated it shouldn't have an effect on the responses that he gets. From what I can see most of the suck it up posts are from people that can't get passed "he left the marriage for another woman"

Zoe999 Wed 04-Sep-13 22:18:02

I'm not sure what point you're making here. the op admitted he wanted control and said himself that financial control was all he had. The fact that he left for another woman is mentioned repeatedly I guess to try and underline the irony at his discontent that she has met somebody else. I read the posts he made and it seemed to me that he had a sense of entitlement to relinquish some of the sacrifices of parenting. Or, if not relinquish more than his share of the sacrifices of parenting, to want/need admiration for retaining close to half of the sacrifices for parenting. My point was only ever that he needed to feel more responsibility towards his children and less responsibility to his new gf. This shift in attitude would be in his children's best interests. Maybe not in his new girlfriend's best interest though. Whether or not he's a cocklodger in somebody else's house because another man is a cocklodger in his xw's house, janey mackers, perhaps. Hiding thread now because it's like pushing water uphill making the same simple points about equal division of sacrifices for parenthood and being self-aware again and again.

Twiddlebum Thu 05-Sep-13 08:51:07

Zoe, I think you need to put the armchair psychology book down??

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 05-Sep-13 17:34:23

When did equality of sacrifice equal bank rolling the ex's new partner?

the OP has never said that he wanted a pat on the back for being a dad.

fifi669 Mon 09-Sep-13 16:41:47

You're on £12,000 a year OP so the CSA would determine you pay £150pm for your youngest DC. Your eldest could be out of CSA, if not it would only make your payment towards them £200pm. Yet you're paying £800? In all honesty I think you're being mugged off!

Yes you left for another woman. That doesn't mean you should bankroll your ex for eternity. A few months to sort herself out after would be a polite thing to do after years of her not working. You say she is working now so she'll have her wages and child/working tax credits and prob a contribution towards council tax. She may not be living the life of Riley without your money but she'll manage.

In all honesty I'd sell up and separate yourselves financially aside from any payments you need to make for your children. With the equity in your house her half could buy somewhere smaller that she can afford to run independently.

Yes pay for your children. Don't pay for your ex. It's not your responsibility anymore.

gigglestar Sun 20-Oct-13 20:13:18

You have my sympathies OP. A friend of mine was in a similar position but "sucked it up" for years, the end result was not a happy or healthy one for him or his children.
In my opinion it doesn't matter who initiated the split-when you've fallen out of love with your partner and cannot live together then it is best for both individuals AND the children that you separate. Happy parents are better than angry,argumentative parents. Personally, i think she's taking you for a mug and using the children as emotional blackmail. It is your choice how much you choose to pay over the amount required by CSA - however, you are not doing yourself or your children any favours by not looking after yourself.
You need to sort out your finances ASAP - be that via mediation or the legal route.
You need to a home that gives you security (not one where you get thrown out after an argument) and somewhere where your children can visit/stay/feel comfortable.
You need to ensure your finances not only allow you to pay CSA but also allow you to be able to afford to take your children out and about etc

Your ex chose to sacrifice her career to be a STAHM so don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty for her life choices. She is more than capable of earning her own money and funding her own lifestyle.

You are completely right in expecting her new live-in partner to pay up-how dare anyone expect you to pay for him!! The fair thing would be for the three of you to pay a third each towards the monthly mortgage and council tax. He should also be paying towards the utilities and groceries and the car if he is using it. Stop paying for the car if you are not using it and find an alternative place to store the contents of your workshop - you don't live there anymore and so should not be there so regularly.

When you do decide to finalise the divorce and sell the house -*split it 50/50*, she is not "owed" more than that.

Had my friend not "sucked it up" all those years ago, he would not have ended up living in a bedsit unable to have his children come and stay and enjoy their family time together, his ex would not have been able to accuse him of "being a crap dad" because he could not afford to take the children out,take them on holidays, buy them clothes etc, help towards college and uni costs. She would not have been able to accuse him of being a "bad example" because he wore charity shop clothes (all he could afford) and only ever went to the pub when he socialised (he was left with a tenner a week to spend on 'socialising'). She would not have been able to twist the situation and the facts and poison the children into believing he didn't give two hoots about them. Now that the children are adults and can see for themselves exactly what he sacrificed to ensure they were provided/cared for they are re-building their relationship.

Don't let that happen to you. There are two wage earning adults living in that house and your children will not go without food etc if you reduce the amount you pay per month in order to rebuild your life. Especially as she will be receiving additional benefits as a low wage earner.

Plus, having your own secure place means your children have the option of going to live with you if they don't get on with her boyfriend smile

have a look at this to get you started:

Loveineveryspoonful Thu 24-Oct-13 09:48:00

Dogtired, perhaps you'd be interested in the thoughts of someone in your present dp's situation...?

I am actually relived that there are men out there who can see a problem with exw and mean to address it.

I met and married a man in similar circumstances, and can only encourage you to follow the lengthy and detailed advice given by previous poster, gigglestar.

I wasn't ow, btw, but was still dragged into the post divorce battle by exw ("don't spend money on that woman and her son that you could be spending on your children" OR "you are spending more time with that woman's son then with your own").

Dh had practically no spending money at all although he earned pretty good wages as he was paying maintenance (already classed "luxury level" in this country ,I.e. Europe but not UK) + school fees for private school for both dc + any extra exw could think to throw in (resorting also to extorting money from inlaws for any number of after school activities she could think of).
Btw, exw earns above average income, like dh.

Then there was the blackmailing I.e. Despite money rolling in, dh was kept on tenterhooks about visitation rights (although blooming obvious to all and sundry that he was just about still primary caregiver, having them 50:50 to look after, the rest was mostly her parents and aunt).
Needless to say, I was aghast at the spineless attitude to exw being displayed, I was giving lodging and contributing to food, bills etc 50%, eventhough there was only my ds and me and three of them (eow and twice a week for full dinners I was cooking).

Was I resentful? Hell yes!!!

Some of the above conditions have changed, only because dh finally listened to me, his parents, his friends, his former inlaws (!) and now also the couple counseler we've been seeing for nearly a year (and after 4 years of this nonsense I'm still not sure if the changes are enough to keep me in this relationship).
Please don't think its just the money, I have a good wage, managed fine on my own as lone parent for 8 years and exw has an excellent salary herself, so no, his children's lifestyle hasn't changed one iota.
It's the unnecessary pandering to someone's whims that get me.

Interestingly, while she is still trying to squeeze money out of dh, she has a cocklodger of her own, literally a toyboy (about 8 years younger) with no discernible income. Is dh also funding him? Probably, yes.

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 15:08:16

For the love of god man, stop paying, contribute as little as legally possible and make her fight for every last penny she wants from you.

Tishtash12 Fri 07-Mar-14 08:52:47

Hi only joined to reply to this message, you may have left your wife for another and I do not agree this is the way as my mum went through this 3years ago, your ex is obviously hurt by they way you did things and making you pay, but this isn't right either I do not understand why you are paying mortgage, insurance etc at the end of the day you need to divorce and get it over and done with as it isn't going to make it easier for the kids even if there over 18) I was 20 and I felt like my family was falling apart but life goes on and you are supporting your kids above and beyond. I understand paying for your children but that doesn't equate to the amount you are paying, I go by equality and we'll me and my partner pay our ways together, I would never under any circumstances make my partner (together or separated) pay through the nose to get my own back as kids are involved and at end of day they will and are old enough to decide if they want to forgive you for what you did and your the one who will have to live with the decision you made. if she can't afford it she needs to get off her arse and work more to afford it, i assume if anything were to happen to house you would take your kids in, her partner is her choice at end of day but under no circumstances should he be living rent free, if anything he should want to pay for HIS living if he has any respect for her and himself (not for your sake it being the family home). I do hope it's all sorted now. Tash

She offered to let you off maintenance if you signed over your rights in a house with 270K equity?

And your children are 18 and 16?

Is your ex-W incapacitated or given to taking the piss?

that aside..

OP, I can imagine why you would want to minimise disruption to your children at least until they both reach the age of majority, and I can understand why you would want to do this by continuing to pay for the family home.

From what you describe, however, it sounds as if your relationship with your wife is over. You are entitled to get on with your own life, and she with hers. Doing that requires disentangling your financial affairs, ie, splitting the assets and liabilities, putting the house on the open market or buying her out of her share and her moving out.

In the meantime, you are trying to have it both ways and have got yourself into a somewhat contorted position. ,However good your intentions are. It is her house too - she is entitled to take in a cocklodger if she chooses. And in financially underwriting said (possible) cocklodger, your aren't able to fulfil the responsiblities you have assumed to your new partner. You made a choice, and now you've got to follow it through.

EurotrashGirl Sat 15-Mar-14 20:45:31

OP, don't view the mortgage costs as paying you ex's and her boyfriend bills. View it as building equity in an asset.

caruthers Thu 20-Mar-14 00:11:09

You have my sympathy OP.

But keep paying (And not over the odds) and when the time comes sell up and just move on.

Your ex and her new beau could have saved up enough for a deposit on their own little dream house by then.

43percentburnt Wed 02-Apr-14 23:06:06

You say you earn 12k is that paye 12k or a self employed with an excellent accountant 12k? Does your accountant offset for using your garage as a workshop, using electricity, gas, water, phone, car insurance etc at the old property? Are you avoiding selling due to the garage?

If you are unhappy with the financial agreement speak to your ex and suggest selling the house. Yes she may have to downsize but why drag this out? Mediation, assuming no abuse at any point in your relationship.

Once you are financially separated and maintenance is set you can live with your new girlfriend and your ex with her new boyfriend. You no longer have to worry about what she is or isn't doing. You pay your girlfriend your half of the bills and house costs and move on with life.

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