Anaphrodisiacs? Any experience?

(41 Posts)
Keepithidden Tue 19-Feb-13 21:23:45

Okay, first time poster, long time lurker here. So be gentle please!
Getting a bit annoyed with my libido and wanting to figure out a way to reduce it to make life a bit more comfortable. I.e. less pressure on my wife (not that I exert much I hasten to add), less sneaking off for crafty wanks (hey, if I can;t be honest here where can I?) and less jumping to unconscious judgements and having to bring myself back to reality (or maintain professionalism at least!).

Anyway, for all of these reasons I've been looking into anaphrodisiacs and wondered if anyone had any experience? Specifically with Chasteberry (Monks Pepper). But also with the more hardcore stuff like hormonal drugs.

Mumofjz Wed 20-Feb-13 14:11:24

What's the problem with the libido? and why do you want to reduce it?

Has there been a dramatic decline in "getting it on" in recent times with the wife?

Have you seen a rise is your libido compapred to normal?

What is your age? young children? etc...

I don't understand the need to reduce your libido if you've been living quite happily with it for sometime unless something has happened recently

Keepithidden Wed 20-Feb-13 22:00:05

Hi Mumofjz, I want to reduce it for the reasons I mentioned: don't want to pressure my wife unconsciously (I'm comfortable consciously controlling it, but it does get me down a bit). As well as the other reasons!

Yes, dramatic decline since TTC five years ago and 3 year old son & 18 month old daughter! Nothing out of the ordinary!

No rise, just a fall in my wife's. I'm mid thirties, so is DW.

I have been coping with it, just wondered if there was an easier way to cope!

Mumofjz Fri 22-Feb-13 12:16:57

Have you spoken with your wife? What does she think on the matter? When you do get round to it, is she enjoying it? looking forward to it? initiating it? how often is often?

I'm sorry but i don't know any cure sad I do know we can all be a little mis-matched at times but this shouldn't be a long standing arrangement (in my opinion)

I have two children, 10 & 7, but still, it was always in the front of my mind that the husband and i should always make sure we got time alone together... even if that meant having half day of work together, a quick fumble while they're playing/having breakfast/tea anything... you get the picture!

Keepithidden Mon 25-Feb-13 10:00:06

I've broached the subject once or twice, but she's tired (what with the kids being so young etc... entirely understanable). I believe she enjoys it, but I've started to doubt it now, "duty" sex is only another word for voluntary rape from my POV. No initiation really, I don't think she looks forward to it either. Often is probably about twice a year.

No, I've done some research too and the ideal anaphrodisiac doesn't seem to exist. Just wondered if anyone here had experienced anything from the various remedies I've seen touted.

Yes, I get the picture! Not all couples seem to work as well as you and your H, you're lucky in that respect.

Never mind, I'm sure time will sort things out.

BobbyDarin Thu 28-Feb-13 10:37:58

Bromide is the traditional remedy. But it seems a bit drastic to me. A reduced libido might have an impact in other areas of your life. It doesn't seem to me like a good idea to sublimate your desires completely.

GoodTouchBadTouch Thu 04-Jul-13 16:40:51

Wow how thoughtful of you! I dont have any advice, sorry. My husband would ideally like to have sex every other day. Id be perfectly happy to never see his willy again. The way we compromise is 3 days off, and sex on the fourth day.

That is of course "duty sex" but he is fine with that as its better than no sex. The way I see it is something which means a lot to him and that I do because I love him, in the same way he gives me foot massages.

Thats no help I know, but just wanted to say that you sound like a really nice bloke, waiting all that time and if your wife liked sex before (I didnt) Im sure she will again. There is a female viagra just on the market btw.

Good luck

GoodTouchBadTouch Thu 04-Jul-13 16:44:47

Sorry about bumping this. I didnt see the date

jan5 Mon 08-Jul-13 17:44:40

I think you should talk to your wife about this. Are your desires unreasonably frequent - more than several times a week? Perhaps she would be more in the mood for sex if you were to help out around the house and with the kids more. Let her have a nice soak in the bath or a night out, unload the dishwasher or do the laundry. This will make her feel better towards you as well as perhaps having more energy for sex. it will also make you feel less in the mood naturally because you will be as tired as she is!!

Keepithidden Tue 09-Jul-13 22:44:02

Zombie thread revival! I've started a thread in relationships about this so won't reply to the posts made recently.

For everyone else, I can confirm that Chasteberry doesn't work!

The hormonal treatments I've put on hold for now.

Mugged Fri 21-Mar-14 08:37:15

Keepithidden
This is so sad but not uncommon. You clearly have a real love for your wife so when she now sees you completely differently now to when you courted each other, you must be devastated.
There is not a perfect answer. To some extent you have served your purpose, you have delivered the much loved children and now they are the main focus. You either have to come yo terms with that or take a devastating decision to leave. You should never stay just for the children. It will mess them up too and as a caring parent you can't do that. You can remain a brilliant parent even though you move on. It's tough but which is tougher.
The sad thing is she will probably turn on the libido to attract another partner but you need to prepare for that and be aware if the outcome. Best of luck

Keepithidden Fri 21-Mar-14 09:15:16

Thread has come back to life again then eh?!

Mugged - I have often thought about the scenario you paint, over the past few years I have thought about DW having an affair. In lots of ways I think it would improve her life, allow her to rediscover herself, recognise that she is a person, woman and sexual being. Rather than a Mum 100%.

Of course it would mean the end of us, but that could well be on the cards anyway.

From my threads in Relationships there does seem to be a "twilight zone" when children are young and marriages cease to be DH and DW, but become Mum and Dad, so I've decided to wait until youngest is at school at least (excepting the above scenario). In the meantime, it's been an interesting opportunity to explore sexuality at an academic level, with a bit of pop-psychology thrown in and the herbalist pseudo solutions mentioned earlier.

The thread revival is quite good timing too, as I've just started out on the hormonal treatment side of things, and that seems to have tempered my ardour a fair amount, not to mention my ability to perform! Slightly concerned about the side effects, but I've done a lot research on dosages etc... so I figure what's the worst that could happen?!

normalishdude Fri 21-Mar-14 10:25:50

I would just continue to masturbate more often rather than play with drugs. Seems drastic, but I guess you wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't a drastic situation.

Keepithidden Fri 21-Mar-14 11:46:02

Thanks Dude, yeah the masturbation thing worked for a while. It just got a bit depressing to be beating one out regularly. I still do on occasion, but it's never been an adequate replacement for sex in a loving relationship for me. I could type loads of stuff about emotional connections and bonding, but it'd just be a bit self pitying.

The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that it'd be better to be able to fully empathise with DW by reducing my sex drive to one comparable to hers, hence the hoprmonal route. It is drastic, I recognise that, but I've tried counselling, CBT and self help books, websites, etc... to change my views without success. My counsellor basically said that I was pretty normal in my desires and thinking, most of the stuff on here echoes that. So at least I've had confirmation that it isn't me with the problem. Yet it isn't DW either, it's the relationship. Whether it's a permanent incompatibility, time will tell.

Having said all that I have learnt an awful lot about myself over the last few years, a lot of it quite uncomfortable to hear.

normalishdude Fri 21-Mar-14 12:11:20

I agree about the emotional connection bit, completely. Most blokes I know beat one out regularly separate to making love to their partner, but it's no substitute.

Why do you say that separation is on the cards? Is this mainly due to the mismatched libido issue?

Keepithidden Fri 21-Mar-14 12:39:07

Yes, pretty much entirely really. We still get on well, we parent well, operate as a team. But the lack of sex life tends to permeate everything that isn't family/kid related, so it's starting to eat away at us and the logical conclusion of that is seperation.

FWIW I think we'd make excellent co-parents, I'm as sure as I can be that a separation could be amicable.

The trouble is I love her, I want her to be happy, and I want to be the one to do that. It would be so much easier if humans had switches and we could turn on and off our desires and emotions as we see fit. From a physiological point of view I suppose this is what hormones do to an extent.

BreakingDad77 Thu 27-Mar-14 14:21:56

Has their libido changed a lot - a loss has been linked to breastfeeding, is she just stressed?

Keepithidden Fri 28-Mar-14 10:31:36

Yes, libido has changed a lot. For the first five years we were well matched, for the past six (coinciding with the arrival of two DC) it's gone. I know the BFing is linked to libido loss, I wasn't worried about this while BFing (or pregnancy or post birth) was happening, but it is now two years since BFing ceased.

She probably is stressed, she certainly doesn't have much self or body confidence. I have asked several times if there are problems, issues anything I can do, anything I can change, if she's happy, but she's not much of a communicator and I never get anything other than perfunctory answers.

BreakingDad77 Fri 28-Mar-14 11:43:44

Does she show affection in the same way cuddles etc?

Maybe some time without kids away to reconnect?

Keepithidden Fri 28-Mar-14 14:45:41

Yes, she shows affection in the same way. Less than before DC unsurprisingly.

Yes, but she doesn't want to, she doesn't have a social life, despite having every opportunity to have one (I've encouraged it). Family are either disant (geographically) or not very supportive. External babysitters aren't an option, she doesn't really trust them and doesn't think DCs would settle/be happy if they woke up to an unfamiliar face etc. There's always excuses/reasons. Hence me clutching at other, less savoury reasons. I have no idea whether there is any truth to them though.

BreakingDad77 Fri 28-Mar-14 16:41:07

She doesn't have any other things that might have effected her libido etc, hormonal changes, illness, medication?

Its positive if there is still affection, if that had dwindled to nothing it may make you think if she does actually feel anything any more and is just keeping it together for the kids

AnyFucker Fri 28-Mar-14 16:48:16

Just spotted this thread revival

KIH I have seen a few of your posts now. Have you really started hormone medication to fuck your sex drive up ? Are these prescribed by a doctor and are you being monitored in any way or are they unlicenced and unregulated shit from t'internet ?

Why on earth would you do that ? You have free will and consciousness to work with your wife to find a middle ground that suits you both (or not). Please don't piss around with your body chemistry...once bollocksed you may find the results irreversible.

Keepithidden Fri 28-Mar-14 20:47:45

Breaking - She's had hormonal tests for other reasons. All normal. No illnesses either. The ongoing affection gives me hope, hence the coping strategies rather than leaving. If I thought the love had gone 100%, I don't think I could stay.

AF - Thanks for your concern, the treatment is just common or garden contraceptive pills, the type millions of women use everyday. I've done a fair amount if research on it, including reliable sources. But essentially yes, it could be any old unregulated shit, though I've checked serial numbers, manufacturer details etc. The dosage is no where near that used for gender realignment purposes and my intention is only short term use.

It doesn't seem to be working anyway, but I'll keep using it just for experimental and experience purposes. I've tried everything else I can think of!

AnyFucker Sun 30-Mar-14 13:17:18

KIH, I think you should stop messing about with body chemistry. I mean that kindly. Men should not be taking female sex hormones unless under very controlled conditions and for very specific reasons. Just trying to keep your dick a bit soft is a really stupid thing to do.

Keepithidden Mon 31-Mar-14 06:16:29

Can't disagree with anything you say AF. I know you're probably right.

AnyFucker Mon 31-Mar-14 09:49:12

Will you stop then ?

JaneinReading Mon 31-Mar-14 10:48:45

This is why Islam allows men 4 wives and in the FLDS church you don't get to heaven unless you have three. The long standing difference between male and female sex drives....

Can she not just put up with more than she wants and you put up with a bit less than you need and masturbate the rest of the time?

AnyFucker Mon 31-Mar-14 11:14:20

can she not "put up with" ? hmm

I don't think KIH is up for that, and fair play to him

Keepithidden Mon 31-Mar-14 13:02:43

Interesting idea Jane, I'm afraid I've been raised in a society that values monogamy and, despite my turning my back on a lot of the values society holds, this isn't one of the ones I'm overly happy to let go of.

The problem I have with the "put up with" bit is that in my mind it might as well be voluntary rape. I'm a firm believer in the low-drive partner of any relationship being the one who holds the sexual power, I know this is sometimes debated, but I've yet to be convinced with the opposing view.

Masturbation is great, but it doesn't cement a bond in a partnership, it doesn't increase emotional participation in a relationship. It scratches an itch of course, but that's all really. I've been through a fair amount the past couple of years trying to understand my own personal point of view to sex, what it means to me and the emotional, personal and physical validation of my ego/personality. It has been interesting to say the least and while I have recognised that I do possibly put too much validation on it that isn't necessarily wrong per se. But it may be in my marriage. Unfortunately I don't seem to be able to change it.

I thought that by reducing my libido it may help me to seperate the emotional and physical side of sex and to see where that left me. I.e. was it just the sex I was missing, or was it the validation? The experiment has failed in that respect though.

HoldenCaufield Tue 01-Apr-14 12:42:05

KIH do you think you could persuade your wife to go to counselling with you?

Keepithidden Tue 01-Apr-14 13:51:49

Holden - Great username by the way, although I've never been a fan of the book I always quite liked the character.

Anyway, I have suggested counselling in the past (around about the time I first started this thread), she viewed it as a way of splitting amicably, I have since tried to persuade her that counselling is a pretty good way of learning about yourself, talking about stuff you can't share with people who you know/are invested in. When I did some counselling with Relate on my own she thought it was unecessary and couldn't really understand why I wanted some professional help. She hasn't talked about it or asked questions about what my counsellor and I discussed or conclusions I'd drawn (I told her I'd be completely open about it all). I don't think it is an avenue she'd like to explore. She and her family are very intorverted in that way, mind you so was I until 2 years ago when I started to realise something was wrong.

Having said all that, it will be something I raise in the future, I'm playing the waiting game at the moment. I figure once the DCs are at school then maybe she'll regain some semblance of her own self as a person, then, maybe, she can make a decision on what/how our marriage progresses after that. It's the limbo-period that I'm struggling with at the moment, hence the self pitying crap I'm spouting on here!

HoldenCaufield Tue 01-Apr-14 15:00:09

Sorry to hear that. I suspect it's quite a common problem, but that doesn't make it any less devastating.

I have a number of thoughts but I appreciate the rantings of some complete stranger who knows nothing about you or your wife might not be very useful.

My first thought is - Is she depressed? The PHQ-9 is useful; http://www.patient.co.uk/doctor/patient-health-questionnaire-phq-9

My second thought is - Do you make her feel special? Do you compliment her, listen to her problems, support her, do little things for her, have fun together, laugh together, share interests?

My third thought is - Has she gone off you?

Personally I'm not sure I believe in love. I think relationships last because two people get on well together, care for each other, are sexually compatabile, willing to compromise, and lucky enough to change in the same direction as they get older.

I do wonder how much she cares for you if she is not willing to consider going for counselling. It's a horrible situation to be in because you could argue it either way - "If you loved me enough sex wouldn't be that important" or "if you loved me enough you'd be willing to go for counselling". Relationships are about compromise, but it sounds to me like you're doing more compromising than her.

It sounds like this is something that is really getting you down. We all differ in terms of how important sex is in our lives and I guess some people are lucky enough not only to be compatible initially, but stay the same or to change in the same direction as their lives progress.

If you get on well in every other way it seems like a shame to end an otherwise good relationship purely because of a lack of sex, especially when there are children involved. But reading between the lines of your posts it sounds like it is not just the sexual side of your marriage that is not as good as it could be.

I don't wish to seem insensitive, but is it possible she wants you to leave her? Some people can not face ending a relationship and so will just withdraw in the hope that the other party will have the balls to do it. That way they get to be the good guy/girl and don't have to feel any guilt/blame as it wasn't thier fault in everyone elses eyes.

Have you asked her if she is happy with the marriage? Maybe it's time to sit down in a non-accusing way and just ask her. "Are you happy?" "Are you happy with our marriage?" "Would we both be happier if we were no longer together?". You only have one shot at this life and it's too short to drag out a mistake for years and look back at it with regret.

It sounds like you've discussed the sex thing before, and like you say there is no way you can win in this situation unless she genuinely wants to start having sex with you again. You wouldn't be asking her about whether or not she wants to separate purely because you're not getting any sex anymore, you'd be doing it because you genuinely want both of you to be happy human beings. From what you've said at the minute it doesn't sound like that is the case.

AnyFucker Tue 01-Apr-14 16:58:39

KIH, have you seen thread ? You may find it interesting.

AnyFucker Tue 01-Apr-14 16:59:45

sorry messed that up, here

Keepithidden Tue 01-Apr-14 19:50:38

Thanks for your thoughts as Holden. Many people of them have been raised in the threads I started in Relationships last year, don't feel obliged to wade through them though!

I suspected depression, I have asked her if she us happy many times, she always says yes and there isn't any obvious signs of depression that I can see, though I'm no professional.

I do compliment her, tell her she's beautiful, attractive, kind, sensitive, sexy etc. On a regular basis. We did have shared interests, but that has waned recently. Since DCs arrived we are more Parents than anything else. Which I think is the main problem, everything I've tried to reconnect has failed, my counsellor said we hadsexually disconnected. Which leads me to your last suggestion. This could be true.

AF- interesting thread. Not my bag really though. Im quite sold on monogamy!

AnyFucker Tue 01-Apr-14 20:18:59

I thought you were smile

HoldenCaufield Tue 01-Apr-14 21:28:08

Hi KIH - whatever it is I hope you manage to find some sort of closure on this.

BoundandRebound Tue 01-Apr-14 22:36:44

Might not help but our sex life all but disappeared from when the kids were born to about the age of 6

Then it came back with a vengeance

It's just exhaustion and someone touching you all the time and hormones I think

If you can ride it out, and you love each other you can get it back ..no guarantees but it happens

You sound lovely

Keep off the hormones

Keepithidden Wed 02-Apr-14 11:33:12

Thanks for the responses, sorry about the typos yeserday. Was on a 'phone.

Further to your post Holden, I thought a bit more last night about whether she'd be happy to go it alone. Unfortunately she is financially dependent on me at the moment and I think she views divorce as a kind of 'failure' so even if she did wish to split I'm not convinced she'd tell me. In previous threads Cogito suggested your idea of the talk, she suggested "in sorrow rather than anger". I think this could be the way to end things, but I'm not willing to give it all up yet. There's DCs, history and all that so I want to give it my best shot

Bound - Thanks for your post, it gives me hope. I just wish I knew which route we'd finally end up going down. It's the not knowing that is the difficult bit.

It's interesting that every thread I've started over the past 18 months on this subject has ended up with these two points of view. Admitedly the sample size is pretty small (I've only started three), but the outcomes do seem quite polarised. Never mind, I'm going through a bit of a magnanimous phase at the moment so whatever will be, will be. There's a certain attraction to fatalism as a philosophy.

Superworm Sun 13-Apr-14 15:01:58

This is such is such a sad thread. You sound like a good guy and I'm sorry you're in this position.

Im not sure taking hormones is the answer though. It really is not worth risking your health over.

Does your wife know you are using them? What does she say?

Keepithidden Mon 14-Apr-14 13:30:35

No my wife doesn't know I've been trying hormones, or the herbal ones for that matter. She knows I went to counselling and about the self help books though.

It's at the stage that I'm paranoid about talking about it unless its perceived as a way for me to pressure her. A bit of a vicious circle really.

Thanks for your post Superworm.

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