Dealing with a hormonal nutter.

(85 Posts)
sicclick Sun 26-Aug-12 16:08:40

I?m at my wits end here ? SWMBO is 8 weeks in, and it?s like someone has flicked the ?insane bitch switch? to the on position.

I reckon I?m fairly useful about the house, but recently anything I do is not up to scratch and anything I don?t do is a sign of my utter selfishness and lack of respect for her.

SWMBO ? Why is there a screwdriver sitting on the cooker?
Me ? I?m replacing the filter in the air vent.
SWMBO ? Why is it still there?
Me ? Cuz I need pliers to remove the hood of the fan
SWMBO ? This is just typical of you, leaving everything at your arse and expecting me to clean up after you
Me ? Eh? I?m not finished yet, I just came out to get the pliers.
SWMBO ? great, more of your crap to clean up ? I?m not your slave you know, this shows how little you care.
Me ? Honey, I?ll clean up when I?m done, it?ll take 5 mins, really.
SWMBO ? That?s you all over isn?t it, Jesus, you have no idea how lucky you are, no other woman would tolerate your shit. ?..cue tears and sobbing.
Me ? (soothingly hugging and stroking head) it?s okay darling, I?m sorry (whilst wondering what I?m sorry for) Look, I?ll get you a cup of tea and move the screwdriver.
SWMBO ? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A F?ING SCREWDRIVER- I WISH YOU?D LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!
Me- Erm?..????

There are ten to twelve episodes similar to this every day.
As far as I?ve been able to determine he best way to handle it as follows

Never, never say ?you?re being irrational?

Each individual episode is amusing in retrospect ? but the cumulative affect is making home life very difficult.
When I try to diffuse the situation it makes it worse,
when I walk away it makes it worse,
when I make light of it, it makes it worse
when I point out it?s just hormones, it makes it worse
when I try to get to the root cause of the problem ( there doesn't seem to be one ), it makes it worse
I really don?t mind being a punching bag for a few months ? I just don?t want her getting stressed about absolutely nothing.

I really need some feedback from the experienced pov here.

I?m looking forward to Monday, at least in work when people start screaming and swearing I understand why.

ginmakesitallok Sun 26-Aug-12 16:11:19

SWMBO?

ToothbrushThief Sun 26-Aug-12 16:13:20

Maybe she finds you disrespectful and rude but cannot get you to see that?
insane bitch
hormonal nutter
hmm

Sounds like you both need to sit down and get to what the actual problem is?

ToothbrushThief Sun 26-Aug-12 16:14:10

She who must be obeyed

sicclick Sun 26-Aug-12 16:14:14

Sorry - it's an acronym.
She Who Must Be Obeyed

gin I was wondering the same thing.

When you say 8 weeks in, do you mean 8 weeks pregnant?

Frankly I'm baffled!

sicclick Sun 26-Aug-12 16:19:55

Not being too eloquent here am I?

My wife is 8-9 weeks pregnant. We've been trying for 3 years and what I'd thought would be a joyous occasion seem more akin to trench warfare.

I don’t know why.

Probably because all sorts of changes are happening to your wife, she's probably scared to death either of something happening to the baby or actually having a child, it's a daunting time. Being pregnant can make you incredibly selfish (as I have been) because there is no way your husband/partner can understand how you're feeling, half the time you don't understand it yourself.

I'm not saying she's right to act this way, but it is a difficult time. All I can say is it won't last forever.

Can you try & talk to her when she's more receptive to communication, not when she's in a hormonal whirlpool?

SittingBull Sun 26-Aug-12 16:31:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trickle Sun 26-Aug-12 16:52:17

Actually I'm 38 weeks tomorrow (full term is 40 if you didn't know) and I'm not at all insulted by hormonal nutter (leaving aside the MH implications), I would be by insane bitch, just a tip.

I've not been too badly affected earlier on but right now most things are getting on my nerves and I've been quite quick to temper. I think this is helped by a VERY understanding partner and my understanding that it is not him it is me. Not everyone is as self aware (and I am not all the time - I'm not super human).

I think you may need to be very diplomatic and find a time to talk about how you are worried about how stressed she is getting, and how it's affecting you too. Unless she is very selfish and totally blind to her own weaknesses then it shouldn't be too hard to discuss when she isn't stressed. You may be abel to find something like a cue sentence for when you are feeling too stressed out and confused by what is going on and want to walk away. I don't know "I love you, I don't want to continue this so I'm going to walk away so we can both calm down". Hopefully if you've agreed on it first it'll be a good trigger for her to let you walk away or do whatever you have decided to do. I tend to use "I love you but I'm just not going to talk about this anymore" Then I don't and DH understands that is the end of the slanging match discussion until we have both calmed down and are in a better frame of mind. It means we rarely say things we regret and don't mean, it's also nutral, no one has to take any blame while in a temper (and I'm crap at saying sorry while still angry).

And one of the great MN sayings - This too shall pass - just keep repeating it over and over again, if you can manage to still think of her as an equal rational human being deserving of respect but who is going through some huge chemical changes you may not end up treating her like SWMBO

Leave the bitch grin

Trickle Sun 26-Aug-12 16:56:52

hipster grin

24Hours Sun 26-Aug-12 17:00:51

Pregnancy has loads of downsides.
most of them borne by the woman. This bit is to be borne by the partner.
Be more supportive and respectful. No not easy but not much about child bearing and rearing is.

sittinginthesun Sun 26-Aug-12 17:02:19

Hmmm, think you're going to have an interesting few years.

Your DW (stick to that name, if I were you), is going to feel hormonal, exhausted and tired for at least 3 months. Then you may have a couple of weeks off, before she will be exhausted, tired, ratty and hormonal again. Then, she will go through the emotion, exhaustion and pain of childbirth. Then, there will be the sleepless nights, hormonal changes etc and general feeding stresses. Followed by the boredom, exhaustion etc of chasing a toddler around.

Best advice is, don't moan.

I am 31 weeks and regularly have meltdowns like the one in the OP. I find nothing offensive in there at all. Sometimes I call myself an insane bitch.

IME it doesnt really matter what you do or dont do. She is pissed off and you just need to ride it out. When I have calmed down I usually find that all the things I was angry at DP over are things Im actually angry at myself for.

But never ever tell her something like that. It will not go down well.

Stay strong. You will get through it!!

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 17:07:15

I'm going to go against the grain and say she needs to get a fucking grip and show you some respect.
Being pg is not a licence to behave like an aggressive arsehole.

She sounds like a right moan, and a bit of a bully.

sicclick Sun 26-Aug-12 17:12:15

Many thanks Trickle.

I've explored all the the obvious/common issues with her and got nowhere. Truthfully this has shook me. We've never had problems communicating before and all previous arguments were about normal routine stuff, easily resolved once one/both of us had a chance to think about it.

I'll do as you suggest and catch her at the right time to thrash this out.

I fully expected the dynamic of our relationship to change, I just naively assumed it would be after the baby was born.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 17:15:06

Suck it up big boy smile just let it wash over you and just be thankfull its not you with all the shit flack and hassle that goes with that being pregnant malarky. I would only start to worry if she asks you to look at the toaster when your in the bath and she plugs it in before passing it to you.

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 17:17:46

Yet if it were he starting 10 petty arguments a day, and not allowing any space for his dw to opt out of the row, we'd all be up in arms telling him he was abusibe.

But because it's a man it's 'suck it up big boy'.

Fuck. Sake.

sittinginthesun Sun 26-Aug-12 17:19:54

Pictish - have you never felt overwhelmingly hormonal? Sometimes it just descends on you in a cloud, and you just lash out.

Seriously, best thing to so is to give her some space, and don't take it personally.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 17:22:17

It was a light hearted quip and if i have upset you then please accept my apologies

NigellasGuest Sun 26-Aug-12 17:22:26

grin @ madas

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 17:23:56

Yes I have - I have three children and know all about it.

I have never started shit with my dh 10 times a day though, pregnant or not.

The OP has detailed that no matter how he responds, she will have her shit fit anyway and create a row.

That's not normal. That's being a bully.

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 17:25:48

No-one on here would expect a female poster to tolerate it. Why is it any different for this chap? Because he has a penis?

It's not on.

Trickle Sun 26-Aug-12 17:29:09

Very welcome, hope it works for you, I guess pregnancy is a good training ground for the changes that come after when you have to start parenting shock

sittinginthesun Sun 26-Aug-12 17:34:00

Pictish, it's because she's pregnant. If my DH has something going on in his life that is worrying or stressing him, let alone making him feel sick and generally crap, then I make allowances.

Obviously, if the OP's wife is generally a grumpy miserable cow, then she is out of order, but I do think she's allowed a bit of space right now.

She wasnt like this before. If she had then yes she would be a bully. But considering he massive ordeal her body is going through, I think she can be given the benefit of the doubt for 9 months.

Being pregnant is truely shit at times.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 17:35:10

pictish- its nothing to do with what he has between his legs, some women have different issues during pregnancy and this sometimes manifests itself in irrational behaviour, she may need to visit the doctors but that may not be easy to get her to do.

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 17:38:33

It is.
But it doesn't excuse 10 fucking kick offs a day!! That's utterly OTT!

She is either in need of a visit to the GP because that is not normal....or she needs to get a grip of her aggressive behaviour and stop indulging herself. Now.

The advice that says 'let it all wash over you' is disgraceful. Why should he? I fucking wouldn't.

Pregnancy does bring a bit of emotional overwroughtness....but what the OP is describing is very bad behaviour.

I cannot believe you are all condoning it.

*Pictish - to be fair, not everyone has a straightforward pregnancy.

My DSIL had such bad morning sickness in her early pregnancy that she ended up in hospital on a drip, after 12 weeks living on Juicy fruit.

She couldn't even walk on the kitchen Lino without hoifing her guts. She was pretty mental as you'd put it.

I was sick all day every day, all through the 38 weeks. In work, at home, I constantly smelt of sick. To add to the misery I felt like someone had machine gunned my tits. I once fell asleep at a set of traffic lights on my commute home from work, as I was so exhausted. This exhaustion used to escalate everything in my head, I was terrified about having a child. I had a hideous childhood myself.

The last thing I wanted was to have my dh call me hormonal or retaliate to me, or walk away from me. He just used to stay neutral tbf, and nod through it. Then when I'd calmed down he'd do something nice, like bring a brew, or run a bath, or hold my hair out of the toilet bowl. Then I'd apologise and we could talk normally.

The smell of Opium perfume and leather still make me nauseous. My pregnancy ended 7.5 years ago.

MyDogShitsMoney Sun 26-Aug-12 17:44:11

I think you hit the nail on the head yourself op when you said you thought things would change once the baby arrives.

everything changed for your DW the second she pee'd on that stick.

No there isn't an excuse for her to rant and rave whenever she feels like it but be honest, is your life exactly the same now as it was before? Has anything changed for you at all?

Maybe take some time to imagine the thousands of emotions passing through her mind every day.

Have a read through the pregnancy boards, get a glimpse of what it's like for her.

Congratulation btw wink

You do need to talk but listen as well.

Congratulations btw smile

sittinginthesun Sun 26-Aug-12 17:44:59

Calm down, Pictish.

We're actually trying to help.

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 17:46:07

You're not. You're all trying to tell him that he is obliged to put up with being treated like shit because she's pregnant.
That's not helpful.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 17:47:09

Yes op congrats it will all be worth it in the end and you and dw will look back and hopefully have a good laugh about it smile

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 17:52:41

"Remember when you were pregnant, and made my life a total misery for no reason at all, just because you felt like it? Ahhhh...those were the days...hahahaha!!"

What? hmm

colette Sun 26-Aug-12 17:53:43

W I agree with Pictish. Op when she seems relatively calm you should talk to her about these outbursts , maybe she is worried sick/ feeling awful but you can't expect dh to be just take all this abuse. If it was a dw posting with a similar situation there would be cries of leave the ...

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 17:57:10

Or should he make her pay for her complete bastardness? is that what your saying?

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 18:02:24

Make her pay? What?

Who said anything like that?

The OP writes:

"There are ten to twelve episodes similar to this every day.
As far as I?ve been able to determine he best way to handle it as follows

Never, never say ?you?re being irrational?

Each individual episode is amusing in retrospect ? but the cumulative affect is making home life very difficult.
When I try to diffuse the situation it makes it worse,
when I walk away it makes it worse,
when I make light of it, it makes it worse
when I point out it?s just hormones, it makes it worse
when I try to get to the root cause of the problem ( there doesn't seem to be one ), it makes it worse
I really don?t mind being a punching bag for a few months ? I just don?t want her getting stressed about absolutely nothing."

None of you find this behaviour a concern? Really? If it were the other way round you bloody would!

Stop condoning it as something to be laughed over and minimised for crying out loud!!

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 18:03:19

Your expectations of this man are ridiculous, people.

24Hours Sun 26-Aug-12 18:11:53

No they're not pictish ..the wife here was perfectly pleasant. Before PG. PG can be awful in. Many ways she' s carrying most of theburde.n for something they both want.do should cut her. Some slck. Its not for a long time considering the payoff. Fo both of them

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 18:12:43

I disagree, many men have walked this path, me for one. Im spartacus

24Hours Sun 26-Aug-12 18:14:37

Damn. This phone! Sorry for typos

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 18:16:45

Stop excusing her.

This level of confrontational behaviour is not normal. It is not because she is pregnant. None of you kicked off 10 times a day when you were pregnant.

The only way in which this is related to her pgcy is that she thinks she has been handed a licence to behave however the fuck she likes. She is wrong, and so are all of you telling the op to suck it up. How awful!

Elizabeth22 Sun 26-Aug-12 18:22:17

Things may improve after the first scan. The first three months of pregnancy honestly feel like the body snatchers have taken over your body - it is very disconcerting indeed even if you have been pregnant before and expecting it. You really don't feel like yourself at all. However, that is not excusing behaving badly. The other thing is that she may be feeling scared. Really scared. For the past three years having a baby will have been on her mind a lot (understatement!). That's a lot of pressure on her now she is actually carrying the baby - in the first few months all pregnant women can worry that everything will go smoothly. But this is heighten by the fact that you have to completely trust mother nature and your own body to get on with it. You can feel like you have no control over it (really horrible feeling if you are used to having this in all aspects of life, which you normally do) and im guessing that can feel especially scarey if you've had a long time to really think how much you really want something and how much is at stake. These are the sort of strong emotions that are really difficult to know how to put into words. Much easier to go on about screwdrivers in the wrong place. Worth a thought? I could be completely wrong. The hormones do make you go irrational - not a lot you can do about that!! smile

tethersend Sun 26-Aug-12 18:23:30

"Remember when you were pregnant, and made my life a total misery for no reason at all, just because you felt like it? Ahhhh...those were the days...hahahaha!!"

DP says this a lot.

His laugh is slightly more maniacal though.

Nagoo Sun 26-Aug-12 18:25:16

The only advice I can give you OP is to keep your head down and keep telling her you love her.

I remember getting in a MASSIVE row about nothing at all the number of portions of veg in an innocent pot . DH shouted at me. I threw a chair. Afterwards, the only thing I could say was that yes, I was hormonal and bad tempered, becuase I was pregnant. But he wasn't preganant. He wasn't hormonal. For a while at least, humour her. Be the grown up. Just deal with it.

It is the first thing of many things that will make you realise that it's not about you any more. You will have to subvert what you want for the good of your family.

So, yeah, 'suck it up' is my advice too.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 18:25:28

So pictish, she woke up one morning and thought im going to be a complete bitch for a while. the op states " it?s like someone has flicked the ?insane bitch switch? to the on position. So to me its not a normal state of affairs.

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 18:27:33

My advice OP is that she needs to see the GP or her midwife asap. It is not your role to be her punching bag, as you desribe yourself. No-one need adopt that role in this situation. Her pregnancy does not entitle her to behave this way, despite how the women on here are trying to persuade you it does.

I do not understand them. I think they are wrong, and you need help in dealing with your wife. Another couple of weeks of this shit and it's going to start to fester badly.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 18:28:52

My advice OP is that she needs to see the GP or her midwife asap. On that pictish we both agree.

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 18:29:11

So madas - did you kick off 10-12 times a day when you were pregnant?
No?
Neither did I.

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 18:30:33

It is the first thing of many things that will make you realise that it's not about you any more. You will have to subvert what you want for the good of your family.

Oh. My. God.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 18:31:43

Im a male pictish, but my dw was pretty awful and yes we have looked back(her in total embarrassment and squirming) and laughed about

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 18:32:21

10-12 times a day though? Really?

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 18:35:38

It sort of overlaped so you couldnt pick single incidents, she was bloody awful, i could do no right.

tethersend Sun 26-Aug-12 18:36:42

10-12 times was a good day for me.

I was vile.

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 26-Aug-12 18:40:09

She could have pre natal depression?

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 18:41:35

This is the most sexist thread I think I've ever read on here. I'm going to leave it there, because I don't much feel like arguing the toss on my own.
I am of the honest opinion that her behaviour is pretty piss poor and I think it's crap that you all expect the OP to tolerate it/let it wash over him/suck it up.

I would find her extremely difficult to live with, and OP you have my sympathy.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 18:50:44

Well that told you lot!!!!

Trickle Sun 26-Aug-12 18:52:34

Ooo DH (who has never had to do this with me for the record <smug face emoticon> ) says if the cue trigger doesn't work as a last resort record her and play it back when she is calmer and more rational to try to get her to understand. He says there is one downside, could cause one of two things to happen (which is why it is a last resort). She could feel really horrible about herself, or it could create a bigger arguement - he says you'll probably know which will happen. If you are unsure, don't do it.

When DH was depressed we had a similar problem, I don't see it any differently, I shouldn't have to put up with it and neither should he regardless of the cause or gender or the person involved. It's just what happens in relationships, you may need GP help but often you have to find a solution at home too in the way you deal with things when they happen.

24Hours Sun 26-Aug-12 18:55:28

Can't really be gender blind when it comes to pregnancy. The one with the womb does the heavy lifting, the other onehelps and supports. And cuts some slack seeing as that's all they have to do at that stage.
if op's wife is usually a very nice woman its a bit much to slate her for something that's largely a Bio issue rather than an evil Nutter bitch one. Not totally but largely

David is that you? grin

sicclick Sun 26-Aug-12 20:18:10

Pictish,

I take your points and if SWMBO (no appologies) was normally like this, or even like this in times of stress, I'd be inclined to agree.

Through the death of a parent, her degree, first year as a social worker, our wedding and that time I stuffed up a connection and stranded her in Aukland she was grace and stability personified. I suppose that's why her recent behaviour has caught me on the hop. It's like I've been living with a different person.

I'll have a sensible word, and "suck it up"

ToothbrushThief Mon 27-Aug-12 08:49:13

You sound like a nice bloke (despite the insane bitch comment wink )

Hope you can sit down with her and have a non confrontational 'we need to talk about this.... what is really the problem... I don't deserve this treatment... ' type conversation

Hairtodayandgonetomorrow Mon 27-Aug-12 09:01:26

I was a bit shocked by some of the responses until I saw Pictish's posts and thought at least one person has sense! Suck it up and just be glad that you aren't pregnant aren't really very helpful to someone that is being yelled at 10 times a day! Pregnant or not its not fair, and although temporary and understandable the OP and his wife need to work together to solve it.

I agree with whoever said to discuss it when she is feeling calm to find out if there is an underlying issue and I like the neutral sentence idea.

kellestar Mon 27-Aug-12 09:45:57

OP, congratulations!

I have just talked to my DH about this. As last PG I was up and down, Jekyll and Hyde. It'd taken 2 yrs to get PG and the emotional worry/excitement was all over the place. In fact DH could have written this thread. He spoke to me when I'd calmed down and I was so ashamed by my behaviour, before this it took a hell of a lot to make me blow, DH had never been on the receiving end at all in our 12 year relationship, until I was PG.

I was still emotional/weepy throughout the rest of my PG but didn't take out my frustration on DH again. I wrote a lot of it down, I talked to my MW and GP who were suitably sympathetic. DH was and still is a star.

I didn't get to see my MW for a booking in appt until I was 10 weeks. This was about 3 weeks after I first had that go at DH. It was the first time I talked to a professional about my long awaited PG and that my feelings while these emotions are normal, some may be stronger than others. To talk if something feels a bit overwhelming. After that first appt I had monthly check ups and had a chance to chat to a MW.

I also joined the NCT group locally who had a peer supported antenatal group. Basically a bunch of newly PG, some peer supporters who had babies/ toddlers to reassure and answer questions. It helped me vastly.

I am currently 9 weeks PG with DC2 and nowhere near as hormonal as last time. But I am more exhausted and the nausea is constant.

Every PG is different for everyone.

Encourage DW to seek support, check the NCT website for classes/ groups and ask if you can go. The group I was at welcomed dad's to join inthe chat on certain nights, and they also had dad only nights too.

And mumsnet/dadsnet has supported us both.

OP I was utterly crazy for the first 12 weeks of my first pg, my dh was starting to worry about what he had got himself into. Stay strong! After the first trimester the hormones (for me anyway) calmed down a lot and we had a great time together. Could you plan a holiday for around 20 weeks or ask her if she would like to? It really helped us.

I'm sure Pictish and the like were perfect wives/girlfriends whilst pregnant (or they have forgotten how difficult it is particularly with your first) but I know no one in rl who found it easy. In fact I couldn't stand the sight or smell of dh in the first trimester, I would rather have been on my own but after the hormones calmed it was like that switch went back again and I couldn't believe I had ever felt badly towards him. It is hormones and nothing else. Plenty of chocolate, cups of tea, understanding hugs, asking how she is feeling, reading a baby book or two!!!! and talking about what is going on inside her will really help you right now.

Fwiw I'm pg with number 2 and my first trimester was a bit better as we both knew what to expect. Good luck, you sound lovely and supportive and she will absolutely realise this eventually.

sittinginthesun Mon 27-Aug-12 11:40:35

I should really stay away from this thread...if you were lucky enough to have a relatively calm first trimester, then that's great. But many of us literally felt completely overwhelmed by hormones, loss of control, etc. I'm not a mad hormonal woman, I'm usually quite laid back, but when I was pregnant with my first, there were days when I felt as though I had the worse PMS in the world. Second time, the first pregnancy symptom I had was overwhelming PMS.

All we are suggesting to the OP is that he takes it into account, and maybe sympathises a bit.

If my DH is having a stressful time at work, he is far more snappy and short tempered than usual. He knows that, I know that. I just give him a bit of space until he's through it. That's what supporting each other is about.

zippey Mon 27-Aug-12 12:02:00

What she is doing is tantamount to abuse. She is bringing your whole spirit down and making you miserable. If I were you I would be looking for an exit out of this relationship. Be resoponsible to your child but get out of this abusive situation.

Hairtodayandgonetomorrow Mon 27-Aug-12 18:01:08

Zippey, that is really harsh!! It is temporary because she is pregnant! I agree that it is abusive behaviour, but there are biological reasons. The OP shouldn't have to put up with it, but the solution lies in both partners recognising what is happening and putting in place mechanisms to limit it!

whatinthewhatnow Mon 27-Aug-12 18:14:03

I was fucking mental while I was pregnant. Really moody and insane. It was like having terrible PMT all the time, for 10 months. Then I had the bloody baby and my nipples were hanging off and I didn't ever get a full night's sleep, so I was still really moody, although also still happy, weirdly.Then after 15 months I suddenly got my mojo back for, like, 2 days and then I was pregnant again and it all started again with being fucking mental. I have just stopped breastfeeding and have only just properly got my libido back. It's been MIA for 4 and a half years. My poor, poor husband. He really didn't know what the hell was going on. Just a warning.

Like you seem to, he loved and still loves his wife, and put up with most of it, although not all of it, and although we look back and think 'jesus christ', it's all worth it, I promise. Our kids are properly amazing, and we're a much better couple for it.

dranksinatra Tue 28-Aug-12 14:50:18

Leave the bitch pt 2
Don't put up with abuse.

dranksinatra Tue 28-Aug-12 14:51:00

What zippey said..

madas Tue 28-Aug-12 15:56:25

Trolls are out me thinks smile

BandersnatchCummerbund Tue 28-Aug-12 16:11:05

Poor you, and poor her. Sounds rough. And yes, you sound like a nice guy.

Sensible, pragmatic word about how you'd like to support her but can't get it right, maybe, at some point when she's feeling OK and might be able to laugh about it?

And make the time to get out of the house and see friends to stay sane, especially if you start getting claustrophobic. Both of you.

clearly being shouty, sweary and unreasonable is not the sole preserve of the pregnant.

sicclick Tue 28-Aug-12 18:57:47

Must say my first foray into Mumsnet has impressed me.

Safe place to vent, sensible advice, a few laughs but best of all the (obvious in hindsight) realisation that there is nothing new under the sun.

Many thanks for the perspective from the other side.

UrbanDad Mon 03-Sep-12 17:03:32

Most of the people here have got it nailed. It's a passing storm - so batten down the hatches and ride it out. My DW who is normally calm and rational almost broke her knuckles and toes and couple of times getting angry over small stuff during her second pregnancy. Even she was shocked - she got the whole dark moods and "I hate everything" phase as well.

Try to anticipate the stuff that needs to be done around the house and do it without being asked and don't forget to ask if there's anything you can do to help her (even if the response is invariably a terse one - it does not mean you should stop asking). Occasional back massages do help too.

"Suck it up" is a stupid way to describe it - you just need to be tolerant of a temporary change in the way she relates to you. For my DW, the moods vanished and it was business as usual in the second trimester (c. 3 months in). Vale et macte animo!

DoMeDon Mon 03-Sep-12 17:15:59

I would imagine she is scared you will be messy, inconsiderate and all sorts of things. The approach to birth is utterly terrifying for some. Kicking off 10 times a day is NOT ok. Having said that, I did it, DH and I split after our DC and have taken a long, rocky path back to semi-normality. Having DC will spotlight ANY and ALL personal and relationship issues you have. My advice do some talking, maybe have some counselling now, before the birth of your precious first child.

MammyToMany Mon 03-Sep-12 17:25:40

I am 18 weeks pregnant and I've got 3 other children. I've been exhausted, sick, hormonal, fed up etc but I would never act like the lady described in the op. Mainly because I am a grown up and have to control my emotions and mood swings, also because I have respect for those around me. If someone was treating me this way, regardless of the circumstances why, I wouldn't put up with it - I shouldn't have to be someone's emotional punchbag and wouldn't treat anyone else as if they were mine.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Mon 03-Sep-12 17:32:22

Perhaps she's pissed off because she's realised she's tied for life to the sort of asshole who calls women bitches.
that was the possibility that sprang to my mind, anyway.

DoMeDon Mon 03-Sep-12 17:32:33

Well Mammy we all have our issues, no one's perfect. I may have had anger issues but I'm not judgmental, swings and roundabouts.

prouduncle Fri 21-Sep-12 23:49:30

my sis is a pain in the arse atm so i feel your pain but...

hate to say it as it will probably make me un popular but just man up and put up with it.

its one of the many consequences of having a pregnant partner. they cant really help it and they nearly all do it.

meet up with your mates and have a good moan, then go home with a smile. dont take it personally. itll last 9 months (maybe longer with baby blues) but when your kid is a teenager you'll have this for years. think of it as practice

good luck (beer helps)

FastLoris Fri 28-Sep-12 23:23:54

I wouldn't necessarily say "leave her" but I would definitely lay down some boundaries and stick to them. For me that would involve not being called abusive names that I don't deserve, not taking responsibility for completely irrational aggression on her part, not being drawn into irrational incriminating arguments etc.

It's all very well to acknowledge that she's going through a hormonally extreme process. The problem is that inability to acknowledge the rights of the other partner is precisely what often happens as a result of such a process (something that some people are likely to fall into more easily than others). It's exactly for this reason that you have to be firm about your own rights. In ordinariy circumstances, with most people, you could take certain things like I mentioned above for granted - we just rely on other people acknowledging that we are individuals and not punching bags. In a situation like this - and with your DW, who frankly sounds like she has borderline personality disorder - you can't.

If you let her treat you like that and don't bite back, as some are suggesting, it will just get worse. For her there is no boundary, so she'll just keep going further. If you decide upon boundaries and stand up for them, she might just get the message.

Ultimately, her aggression belongs to her, and that has to be the starting point for dealing with it. If you allow it to start belonging to you, you'll end up regretting it. You won't be able to disentangle yourself from it, and it won't help the relationship anyway.

wonderstuff Fri 28-Sep-12 23:39:41

I had awful pregnancies and was a total nightmare. I remember feeling so jealous that my dh got to go to work and get away from me, jealous that he got to get back to normal for a while and I was miserable 24/7.

As others had said it might get better in a few weeks, first 12 are normally the worst.

lanternfestival Tue 02-Oct-12 08:19:36

I don't think there is a lot you can do about her obvious raging hormones. I would just try and do lots of nice, mini things for her if you can. I hate it when a pregnant woman makes it all about her. I went out of my way to include my husband and make him feel special when we were having a baby. He was stressed out to. Men get stressed about their wives, money issues, the future, they just don't show it.

Good luck OP, hope she starts to feel better, valued, less stressed soon.

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