Put off Relationships.

(98 Posts)
Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 10:41:34

Reading MN is putting me off having a relationship.

I know it's not real-life but it must be some reflection.

The resentment on the step-parent forum is one of the things that has put me off.

Unless there is a woman out there who, won't object to my children coming first, and that I spend a lot of time with them, doesn't mind my love of beer, and my love of sports I reckon I'm going to be single for a bit longer yet.

Dropdeadfred Fri 10-Aug-12 10:49:47

Depends how much you love your beer in my opinion

Also depends if your children come first because you are a Disney dad or if it's because you parent them properly.

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 10:53:40

Would you mind a women putting her children first and going to the gym and out with her friends all the time?

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 10:55:16

Or a women just useing you for sex and to hang out with when her ex has the children and her friends are busy?

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 11:04:48

I'm not the NRP so I'm not a Disney Dad. I'm the Dad.

Gym, children, friends, fine.

Used for sex, definitely fine.

tethersphotofinish Fri 10-Aug-12 11:12:58

Do you want a relationship?

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 11:38:51

Then you just need to find the right women for you grin

Do you want to fall in love?

Scarredbutnotbroken Fri 10-Aug-12 11:42:33

If you weren't a sports fan I might be interested.....I don't like beer either.

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 11:44:49

Why not just date?

Some food some beer some sex whats not to like?

are you using the plural deliberately, anairofhope? Cos there could be something for the OP in having a small harem grin

MrGin Fri 10-Aug-12 12:08:26

Used for sex, definitely fine.

grin

I'd like to second that.

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 12:09:25

Like having a little black book and dial a date wink

No footy on tonite lets see who is free grin

<mn needs a toung in cheek emoticon>

MrGin Fri 10-Aug-12 12:16:49

< shaves hands and parks truck out of view )

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 12:23:33

'Why not just date?

Some food some beer some sex whats not to like?'

I have been on and off for about 6 years.
It's been fun (and dull and scary) I just thought perhaps more.

I couldn't cope with a harem.

FateLovesTheFearless Fri 10-Aug-12 12:27:36

Reading mn would put anyone off a relationship! grin

puds11 Fri 10-Aug-12 12:29:32

I like beer smile, depends what sport your into?

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 12:29:36

You want 'More' shock

puds11 Fri 10-Aug-12 12:30:32

And yes reading MN does make you think that there is no point to having a relationship because at some point they will cheat on you with the next door neighbours grandads cat.

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 12:30:34

Mrgin i dont think your the hairy one grin

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 12:34:33

What happens if she wants children? Does she then have to fall in behind YOU (because that's actually who you put first) children, beer, sports...

Then somewhere swaggering at the end is her and any children she has?

Yeh I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole. Sorry

BertieBotts Fri 10-Aug-12 12:38:42

Good! It's a very positive thing to be happy about being single. Means that you won't settle for any old crap relationship just for the sake of having one.

Just make sure you have the same expectations if you do meet someone. Nothing worse than both having totally the opposite idea about something but missing it completely because you think you understand each other.

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 12:52:17

I don't want any more children. Bugger that.

tethersphotofinish Fri 10-Aug-12 12:56:34

"I don't want any more children. Bugger that."

Very effective instruction for no further children, there wink

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:01:38

Then you definitely need to make sure that you marry something who is has her own kids or who doesn't want any

If someone who is trying to or wants or even has their own children, they will never put yours first. Unless you find a saint but there are few of them out there.

You need to understand that you bring baggage into any relationship. You aren't swanning in with nothing that she has to get used to or come to terms with. While you can say "my kids come first, deal with it", she can simply say "ok well then fuck you very much too".

No woman has the obligation - be it emotional or financial - to carry your history and you shouldn't expect that. Your relationship should be based on you and the person you chose and blending BOTH of your histories into that.

Enjoy being single smile

The thing is, people will only post on MN if they need advice, right? And who needs advice about good relationships?? Me and my hubby get along wonderfully - he takes the kids out twice a week to judo sessions without me that take most of the night and I don't mind, and also he goes out once a week with his dad and some friends to play cards and I don't mind that either! Equally, if I fancy a weekend away to visit friends from University he has no problems and we both always put the children first.

Don't let this place put you off. Try online dating. A lot of stigma over it, but the fact is if you have any "quotas" (no children, must be ok with you being a dad first etc) you get to put it out there before dating someone and then realising you want different things.

And you should also keep in mind that anything worth having never did come easy smile

Good luck!

Oh, I should have said - I'm a step-mum, DH's second marriage and my first.

GetOrfMoiRing Fri 10-Aug-12 13:07:01

lolol at bugger that. grin

Does anyone else die a little inside at the mere thought of online dating.

Unless I meet the man of my dreams on a train, the tube, work or aimlessly ambling through Gloucestershire I am destined to stay single I think.

Never mind. I don't think I could be arsed with it.

BelleDameSansMerci Fri 10-Aug-12 13:07:06

Actually, before I had a child I would have been ok with your children first. Would have expected it. Wouldn't have expected to be further down the list than sport or beer though.

Now, my DD would always come first.

I pretty much expect to be single forever now. Which is a shame because I'm bloody gorgeous. grin

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:07:29

'Then you definitely need to make sure that you marry something who is has her own kids or who doesn't want any'

Something? I was rather hoping she'd be a woman.

Marry!!! I'll never do that again.

GetOrfMoiRing Fri 10-Aug-12 13:09:07

I totally agree that my dd comes first and foremost and that I don't want another child and the thought of marriage fills me with doom laden thoughts.

What wonderful rays of sunshine and hope we are. grin

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:10:28

Phoenix- good points, good post.

Internet dating? Hmmm my oddest was the racist South African. Wasn't racist at the start of the date. Three glasses of wine it was like being at a KKK convention.

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:11:06

Phoenix- good points, good post.

Internet dating? Hmmm my oddest was the racist South African. Wasn't racist at the start of the date. Three glasses of wine it was like being at a KKK convention.

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:11:53

Anecdote so good I told it twice.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:14:33

Well I am keeping your options open. You know "something" means you don't have to be too picky.

I am sensing a potential match on here though

Two singles / hate internet dating / putting selves out there on an internet forum (totally different)

Get in touch, people!! And you'll like..."get" each other because you've both got kids who you put first

I met the man of my dreams at the turnaround on a triathlon. I was beating him because I am the better swimmer so I got ahead. I beat him by 15 mins overall (ha ha ha). Now he thumps me though.

He then stalked me on Facebook and Skype until I agreed to marry him grin

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:15:34

"Thumps me" in a sporting sense

Or if his dinner isn't cooked by the time he gets home from work hmm

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:18:30

PS You do sound like a decent guy though. Don't be put off by the stories on here.

Even I read them with a glass of wine and a spot of incredulous disbelief. I really, really don't understand how people can live through some of the shit they live through.

And another thing to remember is that the dynamics of step parenting is fucking hard. And there is always that fun "evil, step-mother" tag line. It's not that they are evil, but they will always be seen to be. Women are the most threatened by each other and they will get bitter and nasty.

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:18:33

'thumps me'

I think you're in denial. (or was it the Thames?)
Leave the Bastard.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:19:19

You're a woman at heart!!!

A racist south african?? I've never met a South African who wasn't racist! It's just the way they're brought up over there, sadly...

FateLovesTheFearless Fri 10-Aug-12 13:26:35

Agreed, had a south African ex who was very racist. hmm

Numberlock Fri 10-Aug-12 13:29:44

Reminds me of the Spitting Image song I've Never Met a Nice South African smile

a woman out there who, won't object to my children coming first, and that I spend a lot of time with them, doesn't mind my love of beer, and my love of sports

Please tell me you're in Manchester/North West, OP?

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:29:52

I was chatting to someone the other day and I think it's a frustrated racism. There are so many undercurrents that I don't think any race in South Africa is actually NOT racist. Or xenophobic.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 13:35:58

My dad once said to me that while he loved his children, he wanted to be happy in his old age.

He said that he would always be my dad but that he needed to make himself happy as well.

I completely understood that. My relationship with my dad will change as I get older and did from when I was born until the day he died. At the end of the day, I buggered off and saw him once every two years from when I was 18 years old.

I would never have expected either of my parents to "put me first" knowing that my time with them is limited. Knowing that my dad had every right to a relationship and my mum had every right to a relationship.

I've read a lot about what people here think raising children is about and I think there is too much emphasis placed on "I will PROVE I love you". Why don't you just show them? Surely it's stronger to be in a place where you love your kids and you're happy and they know you're happy and everyone can kumbaya around the Christmas tree?

I never understand the shortsightedness of "my kids come first". What if you suddenly realise you're all alone and you will be alone in retirement? Why don't you give yourself the right to be happy instead of punishing yourself for a divorce and daring to have children in this day and age.

Just my two pence. I think my parents did a fairly good job with us and they didn't stop living at all. They didn't stop moving cities or countries. They didn't not remarry or have kids. They didn't see each other or live within 20miles of each other so that the other could see us as per the court order. My dad lived in another country entirely and the effort he made to come and see us every month meant more than some "court ordered time" meant.

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 13:41:24

Midlands not the North.

I speak or see my Mum (and Dad) nearly every day, as do my siblings.

On MN I'd be classed a Mummy's boy. I'm not, we're just a close family.

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 13:52:26

I married my husband because he had a close family and thats something i wanted our children to have and see.

I agree you cant live your life thru your children, they have their onw and so do you.

I cant wait til my children have left home. Im already planning second honeymoon and dirty weekends away and winter nights snuggled up on the sofa blush

Numberlock Fri 10-Aug-12 13:54:57

It's a difficult one isn't it, Kick. Of course my first priority is to my children but this still leaves plenty of time to put me first too. They spend half their time with their dad and half with me so I have plenty of free time.

My view of relationships at the moment is that they will largely happen during my child-free time. My time with my boys is precious and I protect that fiercely.

It's worked well for me for the last ten years since I divorced. Maybe in the future I will want more but for now I have a full life and dating/a relationship is the icing on the cake. I've been single for a year but before that have had three happy relationships on the above basis.

At this point in my life, I can see no benefit to me or my sons on living with someone else, whether they have kids or not.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:01:44

Numberlock I think that's perfectly put. My parents divorced when we were in our late teens so we did a bit of ferrying between houses and then my dad moved.

Don't get me wrong, I am close as anything to my family. My dad died but he chose his life with his new partner in a new country and I didn't think for a second to begrudge him that. In fact, my mother was convinced he'd had an affair with his partner and I chose to speak to her about it instead of hating her immediately.

All I'm saying is that you need to try and make your life for you. If you don't need a relationship, then that's fair enough. But passive aggressive "my kids come first" is a threat really. One would expect that you could maintain a relationship with your children and that you love them. But threatening a potential partner with it is enough to have anyone heading for the hills. Who needs a reminder that your heart will forever be split? Instead of imaging your love as a staircase, why not imagine it as a pie chart? smile

OP you're fortunate in that you guys all live close to each other. Every single one of my brothers married a girl from another country and moved to that country with her. My dad married a girl from somewhere and moved there with her too. My one brother and I are very close and have always lived close to each other. My mother and I BBM and my DH and I have chosen our lives not to get away from family or because we feel we have to be near family, but because we have grown up knowing that we are loved.

So we don't need to prove that.

PS My mother had one relationship after her divorce. She was more the one who relied VERY heavily on me. The amount that she "put me first" to get over her divorce and then the subsequent amount of "strain" I had to feel to be her companion. That was hard to walk away from and it nearly broke our relationship. She didn't want to get over the divorce and move on.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:04:11

Changling Are your parents still married?

Numberlock Fri 10-Aug-12 14:14:01

All I'm saying is that you need to try and make your life for you. If you don't need a relationship, then that's fair enough

Agreed, kick. I make my life for me (as well as my kids of course) in all sorts of ways. I have a very interesting job and travel all over the world, a great set of friends and we have regular weekends away, and I have lots of other interests.

My life has always been like that, whether I've been single or in a relationship, married or divorced, so from birth my sons have always known that their mum and dad have their own time and space. And times when it's all of us together. This has nothing to do with being single, married, divorced or dating, this is my own personal philosophy for life and I think it's very healthy for us all.

Also, by making an interesting life for me, it makes life more interesting for my kids too and gives them more opportunities, if that makes sense.

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 14:15:00

Yes still married.

All siblings live close by, all nephews and nieces are close as well.

Children come first isn't a threat, it's the truth.

In my case my Mum has never let us down, so that's what we've learnt.

This is just like therapy.

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 14:18:05

They come first now but there will be a time when you have room for them and a partner. Why cant you have both? How do married people do it?

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:25:56

I wonder if this thread is so good because it's on "Dadsnet"?

Number I think you sound like you're doing an awesome "job" parenting. Kids don't need to be pampered and put on pedestals. They need to know that life carries on regardless. It's how we deal with bumps later on.

Ah changling - a close family is amazing and you're very lucky. I would have loved to grow up knowing that family was around like that. But you're an integral part in that and I'm sure your kids would be mortified when they are grown up and well-rounded to think for a second that they were the reasons you never took a chance and met someone who really curled your toes ;)

I met a bloke once and he told me he really liked me and I had a list of reasons why it would be too hard or why I wasn't ready and I suddenly realised that if it was the right person, none of that would matter. And I met the right person and I was right, none of it did matter.

Maybe your abhorrence to relationships will pass. And when it does, think of humping in your retirement village. And go for it smile

Numberlock Fri 10-Aug-12 14:26:24

Why cant you have both?

Of course you can have both but I think the OP is saying he's finding it difficult to find anyone with a similar outlook and looking for what he's after. (Have I got that right, Changlingz?)

I've certainly had both. And to me "both" isn't limited to dating - it's all the other aspects of my life that are for me.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:28:58

Relationships are difficult enough before you have kids. Settling into a life together and learning the ups and downs are all hard.

Now you get a new partner who not only has to learn you, but your kids and family and exP as well. How awful! S/he has to be a gem to put up with that. I can't imagine that it's easy for any parties but I tend to feel more empathy for the poor person who falls in love with a single / recently divorced / widowed etc because they just love someone.

But they have a bunch of boxes that they have to tick and its not just about adjusting your behaviour and learning to live with one person. It's that person and all that goes with it.

Pickles77 Fri 10-Aug-12 14:29:43

MN and my real life puts me off relationships but I do like to think ill meet someone and love again.
<runs away to find more fairytale books>

Numberlock Fri 10-Aug-12 14:32:07

Me too, Pickles, keep the faith eh?

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 14:36:47

I have reccently lost my spark and would like to hear some fairytail stories of love.

(forever hopefull)

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:42:46

Don't give up on it. Don't push potentially fabulous people away because you're afraid of getting hurt (ahem..."my kids come first") <<That is pushing people away and it's very much a method to make sure the right person ticks your boxes.

It may be true, but it's not entirely necessary to say that smile

Saying it becomes a defence mechanism. Saying it makes people realise you're being serious and it gives you a nice little reason to hide behind.

If the right person came along, you wouldn't HAVE to say "my kids come first". You wouldn't have to worry about the boxes. And you may realise that you're so unhappy, you're bordering on suicide and that person pulls you out of it because you've hidden behind "my kids come first" and put yourself so far beyond first or second or third.

Be kind to yourself. I promise, there are some lovely people out there.
I married one smile

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:43:44

Really do need a vomit emoticon

blush <<< kind of looks like a vomit face, non?

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 14:43:58

As a teenager it was so easy for me to fall in love but the older i get the more cynical i become sad

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 14:45:22

envy <--- vomit face lol

Pickles77 Fri 10-Aug-12 15:05:55

It's hard keeping faith grin

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 15:11:38

'Of course you can have both but I think the OP is saying he's finding it difficult to find anyone with a similar outlook and looking for what he's after. (Have I got that right, Changlingz?)'

About right.

Some of the expectations on dating websites are a bit unrealistic.

I think I can wait... I don't mind being single.

MrGin Fri 10-Aug-12 15:14:56

I think there's a lot to be said for the single life.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 15:22:01

Dating sites are rubbish.

People expect perfection but that's largely why they are single.

Join a sports club. The nicest people play sports clubsmile

madas Fri 10-Aug-12 15:37:10

I think there's a lot to be said for the single life.

Amen to that lol

Technoviking Fri 10-Aug-12 16:19:53

Mate, most of the posts on here are going to be seeking advice, therefore they wont be the "my life is great" kind.

Enjoy life, enjoy this forum and know that you'll meet the right woman for you soon enough.

GetOrfMoiRing Fri 10-Aug-12 16:26:00

I like being single as well.

I can do whatever I like, and I never have to watch fucking Time Team ever again.

MrsTomHardy Fri 10-Aug-12 16:56:37

Agree with Madas smile
Love my single life with my ds's

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 18:19:03

Well I've just caught, a very didn't want to be caught, mouse.
And humanely released him into the wild to be eaten by an Owl most probably.

I will now go and eat another animal for tea, and ignore the double-standards, and bask in the glory of being the Mouse-Saviour.

Much to my cats disgust, they don't think I've got the hang of mouse catching.

GetOrfMoiRing Fri 10-Aug-12 19:46:10

My cats bring in fieldmice, bats and, one horrific morning, a crow.

Oh dear. single people talking about cats. grin

Changlingz Sat 11-Aug-12 07:58:28

All quiet on the mouse front.

Back to relationships, I think I'd struggle with a new partner having different opinions about parenting.

Changlingz Sat 11-Aug-12 08:07:06

I might use this thread to ask questions.

Daughters-in-laws and Mother-in-laws there must be more to it.

There's only two people in the whole world who at one time despised my mum, and it was her two dils?

They don't now, but it was bizarre and did seem a territory thing.

Conflugenglugen Sat 11-Aug-12 08:09:46

I think you've got a great attitude about what's important to you, Changlingz, and what you're looking for (and not looking for) in a relationship. Internet dating can be very hit and miss, but there really are some 'hits' out there.

I also don't think you need to compromise on your opinions about parenting. Sometimes on dating sites things aren't stated outright, i.e. when a woman feels strongly about putting kids first, because - as a sometime internet dater myself of a certain age - there might be a certain fear that she will be overlooked: women tend to become less 'viable' as they hit forty; sure enough, when I turned 40 last year, about a third of the prospects I had on my profile disappeared because I had exceeded that magical, child-bearing age, apparently. hmm

Sometimes you have to read between the lines, iyswim.

WhoWhatWhereWhen Sat 11-Aug-12 08:21:09

I'm not the NRP so I'm not a Disney Dad. I'm the Dad.

OP I'm a NRP I am not a Disney Dad, your little comment is the most insulting I have ever read on MN, disgusting.

Changlingz Sat 11-Aug-12 08:48:54

Well you've took a leap of indignation then.

I loathe the term Disney Dad, it's always aimed at NRP's on here so my dig was at the poster saying it to me. Not at NRPs.

Too subtle perhaps.

I also don't like the term non-resident-parent either.

anairofhopeFORGOLD Sat 11-Aug-12 09:19:44

MIL and DIL relations:

She trreats dh like a child that she knows best cos she is older, that my home is her property cos she looks after dh as he is her child, that she loks aftter dh better than me, that she is better than me and the most annoying is that she can be disrespectful to me but as soon as i enforce my boundries its ww3 and she trys to involve the whole family. Its all about control and power and being Alpha in the family lol

So MIL are lovly but mine is a pita.

Numberlock Sat 11-Aug-12 15:21:49

Agreed on NRP, people are obsessed with putting labels on everything.

Oh and Technoking I'm on MN and my life is great. smile

anairofhopeFORGOLD Sat 11-Aug-12 16:09:14

I like lables = twat / not a twat grin

savemefromrickets Sun 16-Sep-12 23:52:39

There's hope for you yet. OP. I met DP online. We both have kids. The kids come first. We drink beer together. We've watched football and rugby together and messed up golf. We're both in your neck of the woods!!

It only takes one person to make only dating worthwhile, and a lot of it is down to the site you choose.

Personally I hated match, full of international jet setting business owning sports car driving arseholes looking for someone to travel the world with.

I just wanted someone with a sense of humour who would play knockabout on the local field. I got him, but not from match! grin

AnyFucker Mon 17-Sep-12 00:08:12

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

savemefromrickets Mon 17-Sep-12 07:15:13

Ha. That's what happens when you post late at night when your brain cells have gone to sleep!! grin

Noididnt Mon 17-Sep-12 07:28:17

I'm the OP.

Sorry, didn't get banned at all.

Just name changed as Fathers were being goaded to react to try and get them banned.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Sep-12 08:23:05

grin

Noididnt Wed 19-Sep-12 06:36:08

And as it looks like Dadsnet has been wiped out of all useful existence.

I'll disappear back into anonymity.

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 19-Sep-12 20:37:11

Nah, don't go...

savemefromrickets Wed 19-Sep-12 23:47:39

What have I started? blush

the OP won't be answering you because

1) this is an old thread

2) he is banned for being an arse

HTH

ROFL

grin

Sorry should have popped *'s before and after that as it was a quote

Didn't even know there was a dadsnet shock

Shoesme Thu 20-Sep-12 08:15:16

Anyone else just happy being a dad? I go on dates etc but I'm happy not being in a relationship and it just being me & my son.

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 20-Sep-12 08:23:32

Things, he came back on 17 september...

Noididnt Thu 20-Sep-12 09:15:47

And I'm still on Mumsnet.

I name-changed as I had an email from MNHQ that my posts were getting reported. And that I was targeting posters.

I've searched my posts and I've seen a lot worse. I had one deleted.

I've had 100s of posts since and no problems at all. Basically I think I was being goaded to try and get me banned.

Sorry parsley i copied AF's post because it made me laugh my tits off no offence intended lol

AnyFucker Thu 20-Sep-12 23:42:49

I intended offence

lol

Noididnt Fri 21-Sep-12 06:47:00

Why would you deliberately post to be offensive?

What's the point?

Isn't that against the guidelines?

Oh shush lol

thismummyneedssleep Fri 04-Jan-13 16:14:15

Just enjoy singledom and all its benefits. Why look for trouble.

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