Mumsnet Talk

share your sexual secrets
I lay her on her back with me on my side and flick the bean while goin at it like a jack hammer
seems to work every time

is there any technics you would like to share?

nice - lucky lady

and technique is the word i think you want

learn to spell and she will be eating out of your hand Had you there!

PMSL

sexual technics - is that a new variety of Lego?

Bless you for trying though.

On your way, young fella.

I keep on thinking of sex to techno music or sex with Technics products

Good luck with that EvensMr

oh girls

play nice, he's obviously not old enough for a credit card for online porn or tall enough to reach the tall shelf

someone throw him something to keep him going till he gets a girlfriend

i tell you what i really love

i love to suck it slowly, hungrily, devouring every mouthful.

and when the time cums, i cannot swallow it and drink it down quick enough

and then i bend right over slowly, hungry for the next one



nope, nothing like a box of chocolate fingers followed by a cuppa

rofl

ooh ooh give it to me

This is my favourite.

It always makes me go Phwoar in a lewd and libidinous manner. It must be the reference to cherry or the batteries that are included that do it!

sorry.. .technic-ality here but how can one be "going at it like a jack hammer" if you are lying on your side and she is on her back?

i think either you have the biggest piece of equipment known to man or you have been shagging her thigh.

NJM, rofl

<<snort>> shagging her thigh

manky - maybe it can go round corners?!?

Totally PMSL ROLF wetting myself at this thread

mankymummy- he probably has a power function extension wire

It is clearly a great 'sexual secret'.
Perhaps it's only physically possible in Neverland?

maybe she is a "flexible" friend

oh baby, you are making me so horny

I'm actually quite interested in this Lego Technics stuff now. Had never seen it before. Thanks, EvansMr!

NJM... go round corners?

i think in actuality it would have to do a u turn IYKWIM... ie up and over and back down again. actually i think thats prob a 3 point turn.

one can only conclude that the "bean" he has been flicking has actually been the repeat button on his remote control....

I've got the right Bean haven't I?

Oh I've not laughed like this on MN for ages

yes or pause button

evans mr - how does your partner respond to this flicking ?

come on, you have us interested now.

what other moves have you got ?

manky - good point about the 3 point turn or should we use the term U bend in relation to plumbing?!?!

I think his only other move may be to get into bed by 9pm.
It is a school day tomorrow, after all!

tis past watershed now, his parental control will have automatically switched off his laptop and it'll be lights out

Your technic, sorry, technique sounds bloody awful to me.

If you flicked my bean (ouch) whilst banging me like a jackhammer I'd punch you in the bollocks.

aha... assuming you could find them sidge... i suspect they have yet to descend!

how do these children find MN anyway?? You'd think the idea of a load of old (or in my case, gorgeously young ) mothers would bore them to tears!!

I am not that young anyway. for the record.

if for him it "works every time" i would imagine the poor lady in question has logged on to mumsnet with his id and posted the OP looking for inspiration, all the while whilst he is "flicking the bean and going for it like a jack hammer".

he was maybe looking to be taught a thing or two as his GF wants sex, but he is a clueless virgin? and we scared him off, bless

No doubt he googled sex techniques technics though and got a link to one of the more colourful MN threads!

rrrrrrrrrrofl!

you filthy little pervert. pity the poor lass who gets the benefit of your erm ....technic (pmsl) when yer jack is old enough for a hammerin'.

hope your mum's a mner and catches you out.

or..... it could be a MNers DP looking for inspiration [shock}

come on everyone... check whereabouts of DPs!!!!!

damn i meant.

ROFL at notjustmum

mine, am happy to announce, is in the room with me and also PHSL at this thread so its not mine

<looks concerned>

Allright there girls? No ofense but if there is plenty of other places where you can post away about your banjos and baps. This forum is for the lads so unless you got something good to say ?

28/m/newport

there ARE plenty of places

and fyi its fanjos and norks on here

Ha Ha!!

28???!!! flippin eck.

shouldn't you be off strumming your girlfriend's banjo rather than being on here chatting to a lot of mums?

loving "banjos"

I think "Bang Yer Banjo" sounds like a technic classic in the making...

This is the funniest thread I have read for ages
rofl at manky mummy et al

do you think he types in mums net instead of readers wives?! I can see why he's confused

readers wives - here you are!

and people - don't click on it if easily offended - it is the ACTUAL link to readers wives

There's another thread with a poor pg lady with a swollen banjo. Also we were all leaving shopping lists with f banjo written on them.

Bit boring in Newport this evening is it? Not interested in the footie?

Evans Mr- Please explain laying on your side whilst on her back?
It doesn't sound very comfortable

oh my god PMSL!!!!

I just realised that he has posted on Dadsnet and thought that only males would be on here! rofl.

EvansMr, if you want a "private" thread put it somewhere really boring. We all respond in Dadsnet indiscrimately; tis usually most entertaining, interesting and informative.

Have any of the "Dads" even bothered to reply to this troll gentleman?

there surely HAS to be a quote of the week in this thread?!!??

actually - i'm ver satisfied.
my bean has been flicked.
yes it does reach around the corner.
we only wanted some ideas for improvement you know.

by the way - that lego stuff is very good.

now had you come on and asked for advice re gregs sausage rolls and fruit shoots or baby pasta or given us your opinion on SAHM or parnent and toddler parking then that would've been fine

you're on MUMSNET - see above link for sex advice - we can also help with grammar and spelling on here too

Delicate, it means banging sideways from behind.

lads ? lads ? there are no lads on here i thank you very much

we like men here thank you

Well, I suppose an inflatable doll is easily satisfied. And it might explain how the seemingly impossible position is achieved...

Lol

but how can you fuck her sideways if she is lying on her back ?

Are you all on HRT or something?

NJM, I refer you to my "inflatable doll" comment...

HRT? Gosh aren't you the witty one this evening?

Notjustmon: it's all about technic, banging sideways from behind look it up on the karma sutra.

YB - that has cleared that up thank you

i by no means am inexperienced but i just couldn't get my head round this ?

I think "Bang Yer Banjo" sounds like a technic classic in the making...

<<wipes tears from eyes>>

i have never laughed so much at a mn thread,

my bump is actually hurting

EvansMr, i think i love you...

I can only read EvansMr's posts with an Ali G accent in my head.

tech fucking nique

but you aren't doing her from behind if she is lying on her back are you

and baby i don't need no kama sutra

Perpendicular ladies, perpendicular

how's your winkle EvansMr? is it getting large yet?

We would hate to disappoint you. What with our fantastic banjos and all.

it's all to do with the extra hole i've had sugically inserted int my thigh. i highly recommend you try it.

pmsl lynette!!!!!!!

oh god Evans Mrs!

shaking with laughter!

oh you blew it with that last comment i'm afraid

I really hope this isn't someone looking for sex talk, i'm wetting myself here.

Poor cow

EvansMr, may I just ask one personal question?

If your personal life is so fab, what on earth are you doing on here at 10pm on a Sunday evening, haven't you got:

banjos to bang
beans in need of attention
page 936 of the Kama Sutra to consult?

Perhaps your dp has a sore bean?

are we dealing with

a. a bored teenager
b. a bored middle aged perv
c. a daily mail troll
d. a split personality
e. someone who can't take decent advice here

answers ladies please - those without banjos and baps need not respond

yay, johnso! i love your posts.

have you got any advice for this lad guy?

Mr Evans - do you have any other sexual secrets you want to share with us - or are you just a one trick pony?

Lordy me, it's amazing what you can do with a spare bit of plastic and a puncture repair kit isn't it? Does EvansMr have trouble finding the usual holes then?

evansmr - do you lure the birds in with your fake gold jewellery and vauxhall nova ?

i bet they is well impressed with da bean flicking aaaiii ?

Aha, the vehicle of choice for spotty yoofs. Otherwise known as an 'Acne Carriage.'

PMSL Acne carriage

<<<arf>>

i'm channeling a perma-tanned essex boy with that odd fanjo-hair they all have, and one gold earring.

and a withered finger from too much bean-grinding.

Aw, thanks Umbrella
My only advice is to check you're on the right thread before you post

That was aimed at Nigella LOL!!

Right thread? Surely right forum. Mind you has made me laugh so can't be all bad!!!!

how cryptic Johnso - i haven't been here at all.

My DH wanted to ask you EvansMr... as you're from Newport, doesn't the fleece get in the way when your 'partner' is lying on her back?

PMSL suwoo

Ah PMSL again now suwoo

flicking the bean?

methinks mrevans is more of a ham shandy boy

I can't take the credit, it was my witty fuckin smart arse DH!

Right I'm going to bed now.

No bean flicking for me tonight though - DH is watching the golf

<<<<<sigh>>>>>>>

Do sheep have beans

EvansMr is obviously the man to ask!

Although how bad do you have to be to need sexual technic [sic] advice when your partner is a sheep?

DH says...In light of new evidence it seems not, EvansMr has emailed him to say that last night he gave up the persistent flicking of the alleged bean as his 'partner' felt no waves of ecstacy, but EvansMR did inadvertently end up crocheting a rather small hanging basket

Whhoaa there boy your going to be getting yourself a fried bean.

are we allowed this as quote of the week?

By Sidge on Sun 15-Jun-08 21:18:43

Your technic, sorry, technique sounds bloody awful to me.

If you flicked my bean (ouch) whilst banging me like a jackhammer I'd punch you in the bollocks.

By umberella on Sun 15-Jun-08 21:25:19

rrrrrrrrrrofl!

you filthy little pervert.

pity the poor lass who gets the benefit of your erm ....technic (pmsl) when yer jack is old enough for a hammerin'.

hope your mum's a mner and catches you out.

By YeahBut on Sun 15-Jun-08 22:06:00

I think "Bang Yer Banjo" sounds like a technic classic in the making...

this has been a grrreeeeaaaat way to start my day.

very funny.

god i love the female ability to crush/put down.!!

Please someone keep this thread going,seriously I can't stop laughing

Ah, it has been many a year since DH attacked my thigh like an overenthusiastic border collie.

<sigh>

Roy?

Is that you?

This has to be a message from my late husband Roy, he always used to flick my bean while hammering away at my thy.

It was the problem with impotence I think, it didn't you know, go in, but could still pack a wallop when flung at my thy.

Now you see that would have actually worked as a joke if the name change to Pat Butcher had worked. As me, well, it's just odd. I never married Roy Evans.

Mr Evans please share with us your oral sex tecnics...

Do you go at it like a lapping puppy and shag her behind her left knee?

Jackhammer to the thigh, oh yeah baby!

I always find a good elbow shagging a wonderful release after a hard day at work.

Between the toes works too.

LL rofl

Brightened up my Monday morning .
Surely this is a candidate for Mumsnet Classics?

Group lego porn!

I never knew lego was so filthy

Oh this is sooo wrong!!! I can't stop laughing

I really want to know what 'banging sideways from behind' means.

How can something be sideways AND behind?

It gives a whole new meaning to the tune "Duelling Banjos"

LL- filth

It's not fair my DD's don't have any Lego, I can't join in

<<CBM scuttles of to find inspiration with Groovy girls and wooden stable set>>

Maybe this is how Jilly Cooper gets her ideas......

You want to be careful EvansMr using a technic like that and having the ability to bend it round it in such a way, there is a danger you may snap your banjo string.

Mr Evans

I've just had a thought, you say your laydee has a hole in her thigh, is this where you inflate her?

I'm confused, EvansMr , isthis what you do while going at it like a jack hammer.

EvansMr flicking the bean big time

oh, the poor boy. He's probably in double maths now. benevolent

Lol at your lego porn YKNOTC

<<tries and fails to stop laughing>>

is that you evansmr?

LOL [GRIN]

<wheeze>

am lol @ the claim that the kama sutra advises 90-degree banging

what IS banging in Sanskrit, anyway?

oh I've found it:

"On the occasion of a 'high congress' the Mrigi (Deer) woman should lie down in such a way as to widen her yoni, while in a 'low congress' the Hastini (Elephant) woman should lie down so as to contract hers. The bull man should then flip her onto her back and engage in congress while flicking her bean. This position is called the Jackhammer of Indrani and this is learnt only by practice."

No it doesn't really work for me

Mp, I don't know but it gets everywhere and it makes me itchy

I can't believe this is STILL going this morning
ROFL!!!

OMG! PMSL at this thread!

LOL at MP

This thread can't die!

I'll go find some more lego porn.

Back in a mo...

Not for the faint hearted

Is nobody else going to give MasterEvans any tips? He'll be going to bed shortly, being a school night and all.

I'm crying here. More lego porn please!

Star Wars lego karma sutra style.

Your wish is my command.

See? Lego can do the sideways Jackhammer (EvansMr is sat to the right)

Well Mr Evans - i hope you have got your intended kicks out of getting the ladies to talk dirty with you.

Now go and give your Lego a jolly good clean and come back to us when you have built something nice and constructive - not like these harlots smutty builds.............

Have a horrible image of sticky lego now

Something artistic instead maybe?

I suggest that MasterEvans try a nice game of gentlemanly cricket instead. Much nicer to brag about in the playground. Don't you think?

Where did Mr Evans go? Come back and share more technics!

brilliant

OMG, this is just soooo funny!!!!!!!

PMSL - oh my god, funny beyond!

I'm so glad someone showed me this link!! LMAO

Can i just say, that you can do it from the side whilst "flicking the bean" <<shudders>> at the same time, well at least my DP can [preen] its just a case of having one leg inconveniently out of the way (no im not heather macartney im just very flexible), whilst he well, goes at it. Its a very satisfying position, although i prefer to flick my own bean. Men can never quite get the pressure right can they.

Theres a tip for you OP, don't think you have to rub that little bean directly, its much better to take an indirect route.

but LEM if she is on her back, he would need to be on top of her or perpendicular to her for it to even be possible

they would both need to be on their sides

OMGG - i think ive just spotted a friend on the readers wives site!

no really korma, it can be done, yes, you do have to be a bit perpendicular but its VERY effective - you all scoff, so might i suggest that you TRY IT!!

LEM - i cannot figure that out for the life of me and to be honest, it sounds like it would require much more effort than i can usually muster

Ah but the effort is all his, beleive me for me its more like, lay back and enjoy! And on that note, i think i'll retire.

Total hijack, Korma, have you heard from whispy today, she emailed me earlier and im worried.

she has emailed me but my email is down so i cannot get back to her. i am going to text her in the morning to see how she is. she does seem very down doesn't she ?

Sigh.
I shall withhold posting 'suggestions' as to be shot down by a gaggle of lovely ladies is not a perversion I enjoy..

I still cannot picture this position and am afraid to google being of a delicate nature

Anyone brave enough to do a link? LEM?

I think I may do something similar but I certainly do not have hole in my thigh.

This thread has had me in stitches. The lego porn is disturbing me having 2 boys and all. Luckily no figures yet just bricks otherwise I may find myself looking at them in a different light.

Sigh.

Example of how its done.

1. Lie on your right side, bring your left knee up a little (as if climbing a ladder).

2. He 'straddles' your right leg that is straight - inline with your body.

3. He inserts his whatever-you-wanna-call-it

That is basically the position.

From there, he can effectively lower himself into a lying on his side position (would be his right side, whilst you follow him by rolling onto back, your left leg will be over his pelvis/body whilst your right will be between his thighs.

Please don't ask for a photo as I am not sure my DW would approve!

Ah ha! Thank you MiffyUnderFoot, I have actually done this position but didn't know what it was called!!

Not like I refer to kama sutra to see what the position I am doing is called

No photo required, I would have been happy to a link to lego porn

Thought I'd bump/resurrection this one for another massive laugh. I read it when I am down...and up and sideways. No need for laughing gas. Wonder if evansmr has morphed into a bank manager yet?

my favourite position is full of bicardi with my legs wherever they like.

This comes from the Bible - I guess you'd have to know it to see it here!

this is a funny funny thread. ROTFL

ha ha ha still makes me cry with laughter

How did I ever manage to miss this thread - brilliant

Oh - so it's not about a brand of record player then?

oh it's always nice to see this one.
why isn't this in classics?
HQ?

bump

Poor Mr Evans (although this was hilarious)

I know what he means, me and hubby use this position.

(You could turn it round Mr Evans and tell them that they know not of this position cos they are all simply too old to get into such a young and still flexable position now - although that wasn't from me, i want to keep on the ladies good side )

(Except for MissyUF who clearly is still a fox )

hurrah another outing for my fav thread of all time

Hi 5 my brother MrEvans. Nice to see the fembalance redressed by some sharp informative posting. Seen plenty of this 'ohh arn't men so stupid' femtude.

You try and teach them a few technics and its like there's a hungry fox in the hen house.

DS#2 has some lego technics. Is that what this is about <wanders off feeling a bit lost and confused>

Hilarious.

Although I do feel the need to point out that alongside EvansMr's posts, there was also an EvansMrs who posted (obviously as a joke). Don't know if anyone else noticed that.

<<as you were>>

bump. Just because I can, and it STILL makes me laugh til I fall over.

Hows life Mr Evans, missing you.

O I love when people bump this

Both of you laying on you side top to tail in 69 formation so he can suck your cock while you suck his. Or am I missing something?

I think I may have been EvansMrs. will pop off and check my name list.

I'm still married to EvansMr and still ver uch satisfied with my bean flicking I'll have you know.

This is brilliant!

This thread has made me laugh so hard. I first saw it months ago and still cant resist returning every few months just to see the new comments.
If it was meant as a joke - genius
If it was genuine - hilarious

<<dying of laughter emoticon>>

How have I never seen this thread before? Highlight of my Mumsnet career thus far.

Bumping the thread so my friend can read it.

no no hands off. this is my all time favourite thread. some links are dead.

but lego is kickin

EvansMrs if it ever goes wrong with er indoors.....

fuck off

this is funny as fuck..... OP must be a virgin, no question about it.......... lego sex .... brilliant

Academics studying flicking the bean

Bump. Just because this is the best thread.I wonder if Mr Evans has left school yet?

Sex? I thought this was a Hi Fi review....

Oh thank you, I do so love this thread. How I wish EvansMr would come back and entertain me some more...

I just popped in here to see what dads talk about and this assualuted my innocent eyes haha

Ah the jackhammer... Does Mr E go to the tool academy by any chance?

Ha ha the technics thread. Always good for giggle.

Ahhhh the first two pages had me choking ! F***ing Brilliant !!!

Surely this guy just wanted to get off on reading about other peoples' sex. There are websites devoted to that but I guess they may not be free...For a good laugh it ranks alongside the supersoakers thread!

I should have known, but couldn't resist having a peek! This is simply hilarious.

To be fair to the lad, it seems a pretty sensible technique.

Slightly odd that he calls his laptop "her", but at least he's not going to drop it halfway through and damage it. He's clearly learnt that balancing it on his knees while locked in the bog is a recipe for disaster.

Safety first - good work.

Bump, just because more mumsnetters should read this...

Stop! Will this thread never die?? Having said that, it's always good for a giggle.

I have been a member for a long time. Today I opened this and had a good laugh.
Ver very glad I am not Evans Mrs having my bean flicked. It must hurt, a bit.

Why is this thread not in Classics? I've pulled a muscle in my bean laughing so much I think

Did he do it like this do you think?

ohhhh

some new technics

He he he

MNHQ - can this go in Classics? It deserves to be there.

I think preparation is the key.

I usually keep a few pounds of lard, a pair of marigolds, a bit of garden twine, and two industrial size baked bean tins handy for sexy times.

The lard helps with friction burns and keeps you warm when 'al fresco' , I like the marigolds as they stop my hands going wrinkly with all the bean flicking ( they can also double up as emergency multi use condoms if you run out ) and the beans are of course for flicking around the boudoir.

An important tip I've gleaned from MN is that nothing gets ladies in the mood more than their partner doing some housework, so I tend to forgo the usual 'dirty talk' and whisper phrases such as ' I took the bins out this morning', ' ooh I think the hoover bag needs changing', or 'I've folded all the clean sheets into kitten shapes'.

I also like to leave a copy of 50 Shades of Grey casually laying around with the garden twine in case the lucky lady is interested in giving me a damn good spanking.

Yes please to classics!

I find that manipulating your partner's erogenous zones and they yours until both of you achieve full satisfaction pretty much does it for us.

FFS, will this thread never die?

vorsprung durch technic?

Oh dear god - i have just skimmed through this zombie thread and realise that i have posted on it a serious bean flicking instructive post - oh god, the embarrasment

Haven't laughed so hard in ages - i needed that!

Thanks for giving me a damn good laugh guys!http://www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/1.gif

Thanks for giving me a damn good laugh guys!

Wow

Christian Grey is such an amateur compared to EvansMr!!

Second pic down the jackhammer to the thigh

So proud that Lego porn is now in search history...

Ha, what a hilarious picture. i'll always be wondering what's going on inside my sons lego millennium falcon overnight now, lego manage a trois between chewy, han and leia.

Are you from Hull?

yay!

sexual technics thread resurrected !

bloody hell, this was FIVE years ago

only seems like yesterday...
wonder what young MrEvans is up to these days

Ha! This is at least the third time in my MN life that this thread has made me snort my tea!

'wonder what young MrEvans is up to these days'

He got his GCSE in English and read a marketing book to develop his career further.