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Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Dadsnet

Men's views please - on a (sshhh) sexual matter............................................

18 replies

fadingaway · 14/09/2007 20:50

Okay. Deep breath.

If a man loses his erection before sex does it mean he doesn't fancy his partner any more?

If it happens a few times, doesn't it mean that he doesn't??

My DH doesn't smoke/drink loads/isn't especially stressed, none of those "usual" reasons I've heard about.

I am very upset about it, he won't talk to me about it, and I have decided it's because I'm too old/fat/have a scar from a big operation and he just can't bring himself to do it anymore.

If he won't explain to me maybe a MN man can!

OP posts:

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Pan · 14/09/2007 20:57

Woah! Take two big deep breathes........for such an intimate query, there's not alot to go on.

Can you be a bit more specific?

How long been together? Any sex probs. in past? Recent situational changes? What does "won't talk about it mean exactly??"

Go.

fadingaway · 14/09/2007 21:11

Am blushing....

Been together 23 years(!)

never any problems before except when he's been too pissed, when in our younger days....

He just doesn't seem as excited, IYSWIM. I try everything. He wakes up with a hard -on and he masturbates (which doesn't bother me one bit because I think, well at least he's working physically) but when he's with me he just seems to have lost interest.

Won't talk about it means since the last time we tried and it didn't work he hasn't spoken to me. At all. Apart from how are the kids and stuff (he's a shift worker and we sometimes don't see much of each other).

This all makes me sound like a right loser...

OP posts:

fadingaway · 14/09/2007 21:12

and Pan, I've checked you out. He's the same age as you...

OP posts:

Pan · 14/09/2007 21:16

No! 23 yrs. together. Children. Shift work. And you have what it takes to talk about this if there is a prob.? You sound like a bit of a winner to me!!

need to go and sort something. Good on you.

Pan · 14/09/2007 21:16

Age struck me. IN a mo.

jaynehater · 14/09/2007 21:19

Can't actually believe I'm about to post this...

If he's, erm, functioning well enough in the mornings, why not help him out a little then - maybe it's an intimacy thing, if you're not spending too much time together. IME, don't make a monstrous headfuck issue out of it with him, as this WILL NOT HELP THINGS.

I'd start with baby steps, the morning 'assistance' thing, a couple of surprise 'jumps', and if he still isn't responding, DON'T MAKE A DEAL OUT OF IT.

Whatever the issue is, assuming there is one, he's not about to talk to you about it without feeling relaxed. We had a minor issue with this - turned out to be money/life/headnipping comments from me, but it took a while to extract that info, by which time things were all going swimmingly again.

Don't despair, it's more than likely not a physical thing about you, try flattery and moderate doses of alcohol.

All power to you, hope you sort it out xxx

fadingaway · 14/09/2007 21:19

sorry Pan. you said winner. Did you mean whinger

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fadingaway · 14/09/2007 21:24

thank you jaynehater.

I literally don't have a single person in RL I can discuss this with. A lot of people seem to think I have a fairytale marriage(prob cos it's lasted longer than most of my friends' marriages )but it sure don't feel like that right now!

Could I ask if it's not too personal where you stand on sexy lingerie and all that malarkey? Did you try it? Or is it a myth??

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Pan · 14/09/2007 21:25

jayne's right IMO. Rule 1. Don't get stressed over it. Nothing good happens then.

Is he still as loving, warm ,kissy with you as before? You will know him better tahn anyone.

Other things. Has his self-esteem taken a knock recently, for any reason? Does HE still think he is fanciable to women in general, and to you in particular?

There is a time, for both sexes, when we become "invisible" to our opposites, and this CAN be a bit of a blow.

walbert · 14/09/2007 21:30

Fadingaway: oh, don't worry about it! Dh sometimes 'loses it' right at the very last minute even though i have (well, in my mind at leats) practically morphed into Angelina Jolie, and he's gutted / furious / stroppy etc... it ust happens. Yet if I decide to strike in the middle of the night (my dh happily refers to being molested by me as he's not really awake so can't work out what's happening to say no) then hey presto! Think sometimes it's better to 'strike while the iron's hot' sort of thing rather than lay on pressure with all the build up of foxy pants and brassieres and things as poss sometimes if the poor old chaps are struggling a bit anyway they might feel more 'obliged' to perform then get even more worried (even though they'd never admit it) so then things 'don't work'. 23 years? Your dh must adore you, don't think it's you at all!

walbert · 14/09/2007 21:32

Have you tried little odd 'treats' eg a quickie b-j with a quick smile and being adamant it's just a treat, nothing further expected so dh know's there's no pressure (coz even though you may not be putting pressure on dh, chances are he's putting it on himself!)

Pan · 14/09/2007 21:39

yes walbert, he WILL be putting pressure on himself. The masturbation bit is consistent. At his own pace, etc.

jaynehater · 14/09/2007 22:03

Agree with walbert, sometimes the lingerie thing can build up an expectation that maybe isn't what he needs right now, too much pressure.

It's hard to advise, given we don't know your man , but I think most guys respond well to compliments, and generally shoring up of their self-esteem, as Pan said, maybe there's an external issue that's left him feeling a little messed up. Patience is the key - if your relationship with each other is still even, calm, and loving, you can get past this, just don't make him think possible failure is on your mind every single time he touches you.

Good luck. xx

EricL · 15/09/2007 18:18

Yeah - don't go steaming in with candles and lingerie and stuff or it might make things worse. Understated smooth approach is what is needed at first.

Us men don't like talking about what's wrong cos most of the time we don't know it ourselves. Things niggle in the deepest recesses of our brains and affect us in strange ways that we don't recognise at first.

mytwopenceworth · 15/09/2007 18:22

Ok, there could be something physically wrong, but probably he was tired once, and he couldn't maintain his erection, then next time, he was thinking "Oh god I hope that doesn't happen again" ...and so it did, and now he's got performance anxiety.

EricL · 15/09/2007 18:23

Forgot to add that i agree with what Pan says too - if you have been together all this time, have this intimacy that you describe, have kids, etc,, then you will get over this small hurdle no problem.

I guess all of us will suffer from something along these lines at some point.

fadingaway · 15/09/2007 18:31

Thank you that has made me feel a lot better.

No pressure then, and see what comes upwatch this space...............

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EricL · 15/09/2007 18:33

Make it into a fun thing (which it is of course!) and good luck!

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