My DH is finding it hard to make friends in mumland.

[PSCMUM]

Can any Dads give me a bit of insight into this? My DH is just the most wonderful man in the universe. For the last year, he has worked part time and I work full time. ITs just worked out that way - we both left university, and I got a job first, which happened to be full time, then he onl applied for part time jobs after that, and got one. I work in a lovely plcae with lots of fun people. HE spends half the week at home with the children and is very devoted, he takes them everywhere - swimming, park, activities, etc, and they have a great time. But he has a rubbish time. He finds it so hard to break into the Mum world and it is really knocking his confidence. He has always been popular, had loads of mates and all that. But now he feels that every conversation is some kind of challenge in which he is being assessed for funniness and he is not delivering. He is frightened of goimg out, even with his owm friends, becasue he is not entertaining enough. And its becoming true - he is now quite boring as he is so worried about not being boring. He wants to be able to ring people up and meet them for coffee with the kids in the park, just the way I did when I was at home with them. And he can't becvasue he hasn't made friends in mum land .he feels like a failure as he's been at it a year without success. HELP! Sorry for the longest post in history. Any any comments gratefully received.

[sandyballs]

Hiya, not got much advice really but didn't want this to disappear without a reply. I'm sure there are more stay-at-home/part-time dads around these days, is there anything on-line like mumsnet he could join, for men, and then perhaps meet up from that.

[Gizmo]

What Sandyballs said.

Maybe if he works out some of his insecurities on an anonymous forum it might take some of the edge off his insecurities? Even, perhaps, here?

[Spockle]

Same thing happened to my DP. It drive him back to work in the end...however I was the same when I was on mat leave (normally happy & sociable I turned into and antisocial bore)so maybe the SAHD life just doesn't suit? Sorry to be a miserablist...

[EricL]

I look after the kids cos i work from home and at the weekends.

It is hard cos you do feel devoid of adult contact. I gave up trying to break into the mummy world because a)they wouldnt let me b)i'm a guy and i have different things i want to do and talk about.


I have things to do on the PC and i take the wee one out to childcare/creches often to get a break.

I have times in the evening where i go out and do things and the weekends are great cos we are all here. I wouldnt want to go back to working the silly hours that i used to and having a nanny in the house to take care of them - but i do have to try hard not to lose that part of myself to all the kiddie stuff.

I think it is important to be selfish some of the time and make sure you have some quality adult time so i don't go mad.

[Spockle]

He told the funniest stories about taking them along to jojingles etc and being the only man amongst 30-odd (30 odd?!) women; I laughed, but did feel for him..lets face it, mummyland is bad enough when you are a mummy, must be hell when you're a daddy...

[collision]

My DH once came to toddler group with me and said it was the worst thing he had ever been to and I was to never ask him there again!

where abouts are you PSC? There must be some MNetters around who would give your DH a break and let him enter....MUMWORLD!!

[EricL]

Yes - i stopped going to the 'Mother and Toddlers' groups. The name should have given it away i suppose.

It opened my eyes as to how un-friendly a group of women were. They never really made an effort to involve me and only kept making coversations that started like - "You must really feel out of place......"

Well yes - i do thanks. Lets talk about how uncomfortable i should feel some more shall we? I felt like it was some secret club and they all did these rituals and just left me out.

I am pretty sure that not all groups or all women are like that - but that was my unfortunate experience. I just kept thinking that if it was the other way round how a group of guys would make a beeline for a woman in their midst and make them feel right at home.......

[Dinosaur]

My DH waited for one of his mates to move just round the corner from us and become a SAHD too .

[casbie]

my hubby finds it hard being one of the only other dads in the playground. but i think he copes well by going out with his mates down the pub and playing pool.

what can you say it really is a mother's world - and as a working mother (ft) i never fit in anyway!

[EricL]

I wouldn't change it for the world though. I never saw that much of my eldest cos of the hours i used to work - at the weekends too. Was continually tired cos of the long shifts and little sleep.

Now i am working from home i get to see them both loads (even though it can be REALLY annoying sometimes!) especially at this time of year. Our house is a mecca for all the kids on the estate as none of the other mums let them in their house or garden. Means my place is a constant mess, but at least they are having fun and i know where they are.

There were 5 three-year-olds in earlier and after about 30 mins the place looked like a tornado had hit. OUT!!

I do sometimes wish that the place was a haven of child-free peace, tidiness and tranquility like the others - but i'm just not that uptight i guess.

Back to school shortly so i have that to look forward to.............