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Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Dadsnet

Gents - was my DH being paranoid or protecting himself?!

40 replies

LowFatPumpkinJuice · 01/08/2007 09:36

A question for the men!

DD is 4, but has been playing with our neighbours GC's who are staying with her for the holidays. There are 2 girls and a boy - all early teens (under 16).

The girls have been taking DD to the park most days and have come swimming with us. They also came in with another friend and played with DD in her bedroom for a while.
And while they have been there DD (who is no stranger to going in our neighbours by herself) has also been round there to play.

I have also lent them a few DVD's to help pass the time, and it has all been realy nice.

DD loves the attention and I think escaping her parents for while makes her feel grown-up, and it has given me and DH time to be 1-1 with DS or to get some housework done.

Yesterday before I went to work I said to DD that the girls could come and play in the afternoon, as if not round there or at the park they can only really play catch over the fence.

When I told this to DH he said he was'nt prepared to have the girls round while he was at home on his own because he thought it was inappropriate for a man in his mid-30's, to have a couple of teenage girls in the house, when his own daughter is a lot younger. And it would be different if I was in or it was me on my own.

I do kind of see his point, but after all the activities that have been going I did'nt think he would have this sort of reaction - it never really entered my mind.

Would you have done the same?

OP posts:

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pindy · 01/08/2007 09:40

Oooh good question - come on men where are your replies?

littlerach · 01/08/2007 09:41

i htink dh would have said similar actually.
it's sad really.

NotQuiteCockney · 01/08/2007 09:43

I would think it would be fine with both girls coming, surely?

WideWebWitch · 01/08/2007 09:51

I'm not a bloke but I wouldn't see any problem with my dh being here with our children and teengagers from next door, why would I? And I'd be offended if the parents thought anything of it too, they don't do they in your case?

I do think it's a shame if decent blokes are afraid of being alone with teenagers.

blackknight · 01/08/2007 10:08

I agree whole heartedly with your DH and would have said exactly the same thing i'm afraid. it is horrible to have to think this way but i for one am not prepared to put myself in a situation where i could be falsely accused of all sorts.

We have recently moved house, but at our old place, one of the neighbours had a little girl of about 5. If i was playing outside my our ds (3 at the time) she would often ask to come and play. I just felt uncomfortable with this unless my dw was also outside with us.

FluffyMummy123 · 01/08/2007 10:12

Message withdrawn

ComeOVeneer · 01/08/2007 10:17

Past experience would make me say I agree with your dh I'm afraid. It is a sad state of affairs but DH would not put himself in that postion.

DaddyJ · 01/08/2007 10:23

I would not want to be alone with anyone else's children,
male or female, for the exact same reason outlined by bk.

Unfortunate state of affairs but that's life.

sanandol · 01/08/2007 10:56

God no, I'd have absolutely no problem with that. I mean, Jesus, we might live in a society with deeply sick people out there and people who get a strange kick out of making false accusations but you can't change your life for them.

For me, one of my wife's friends is married to a guy with two girls from a previous marriage who're (I think) 9 and 13. I really would have no issue at all with them spending time round ours with just DS and me (although the older one does seem increasingly keen on spending quality time in her room rather than hanging out with the shockingly dull grown-ups...) If they wanted to come round and babysit DS while I sit in the garden with a beer and a book then they're just absolutely welcome!

What's the real problem for DH? I guess either (a) people suspect he's doing somehing dodgy in which case, to be honest, f**k them or (b) the girls wrongly accuse him of doing something which just wouldn't happen so is a non-issue. How can in any other way can it be 'inappropriate' to have the girls round your house?

Mmmmm, reading back, bit of a strong view here but I hate the fact that the majority are expected to change their lives because of the minority.

WideWebWitch · 01/08/2007 14:15

Absolutely agree sanadol esp with "I hate the fact that the majority are expected to change their lives because of the minority."

EricL · 01/08/2007 17:28

I would feel uncomfortable with it too. I have two daughters who are 3 and 9 so my house is often full of wee girls and there is no problem with that. Having two teenage girls round with such an age difference would make me act differently. I would either discourage it and arrange it somewhere else, take them down the park or somewhere public, or wash the car/cut the grass/potter about outside or something along those lines.

Basically - i wouldn't say 'no' but i would change my behaviour, because that worry is always there in the back of your mind however silly, unfounded or unreasonable it may seem.

BigGitDad · 01/08/2007 18:18

I would not bother me. I would not let the children upstairs but that would be so they could not create a mess.

EscapeFrom · 01/08/2007 18:22

I really don't blame hime for this, sad but that's the current hysterical climate - it would be all too easy for an accusation to fly of him touching one opf the girls, her mate backs her up, hey presto he is on the Child Sex Offence register and he never sees his kids again.

Unlikely, but a possibility I wouldn't risk if I was a bloke.

Pan · 01/08/2007 21:13

Bit sad all of this.

No, I wouldn't think there is a problem. Agree wholeheartedly with sanandol, and www's specifyings. If this is allowed to occur, the men who abuse have had a nasty pervasive effect on the opportunity of young girls having healthy regard for men per se.

I am off work this week with dd (7), and have had days together with her best friend. I hope that won't change as she gets older. If it was allowed to, dd would suffer as well as her friend.

Pan · 01/08/2007 21:14

and escapefrom?...that is living in an unwarranted fear.

EscapeFrom · 01/08/2007 22:56

Perhaps, Pan, but I am one of those hysterical types.

LowFatPumpkinJuice · 02/08/2007 10:18

My DH did say that should as DD grows he will feel more at ease with her friends who are of a similar age.

I suppose this is because DD should be a judge of character and would know that her friends would not be capable of any malicious behaviour towards her dad - I would hope!

OP posts:

forsale · 02/08/2007 10:22

i agree with your dh i think. unless all the girls are outside in teh garden all the time and go home if they need the loo etc

sanandol · 02/08/2007 10:41

Sorry, perhaps I'm being stupid. What exactly is the problem here? Is it:

(a) people are scared that other people will think they're doing something dodgy; or

(b) people are scared that a girl will accuse them of doing something dodgy

If it's (a) then, really, sod them. And (b), my god, have we really reached the point in human civilisation where people have so faith in others? We're not talking here about some random kid off the street coming and playing in your bedroom. We're talking about friend's children or friends of your own child who people have presumably known for years. And yet people are so scared that these girls might suddenly turn around and acuse them of abuse that they won't even let them come round to play?

sanandol · 02/08/2007 10:42

Sorry, perhaps I'm being stupid. What exactly is the problem here? Is it:

(a) people are scared that other people will think they're doing something dodgy; or

(b) people are scared that a girl will accuse them of doing something dodgy

If it's (a) then, really, sod them. And (b), my god, have we really reached the point in human civilisation where people have so faith in others? We're not talking here about some random kid off the street coming and playing in your bedroom. We're talking about friend's children or friends of your own child who people have presumably known for years. And yet people are so scared that these girls might suddenly turn around and acuse them of abuse that they won't even let them come round to play?

forsale · 02/08/2007 10:44

its not beyond the realms of possibiloity sanadol.

Pan · 02/08/2007 10:49

no foresale, nor is being in a plane crash, or being knocked over etc....

the level of evidence would have to be pretty cleaar....one reason why the conviction for rape is about 6%...it's a judgement for everyone to make, but if fear of allegation is the only reason to not be in a room with young girls, then the abusers ahve 'won'.

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sanandol · 02/08/2007 10:54

Really forsale?

You think that these kids you've known for years, sometimes as long as your own kids, who you've babysat for, looked after, been to see in school plays, bought presents for, would turn around and do that out of nowhere? That's a pretty bleak judgement on life and a pretty bleak way to live life if you don't mind me saying.

LowFatPumpkinJuice · 02/08/2007 11:40

We in our case we dont know the children that well - although they are very nice, it's thier grandparents we know. So we dont know the parents opinions.

And DH - as stated would feel better about the situation if DD was older and the girls who came round were her close friends.

OP posts:

saadia · 02/08/2007 11:45

I agree with your dh, purely because he doesn't know them that well. If they were dcs of relatives or good friends then that would be different.

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