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Wife won't accept seperation

53 replies

Beren1 · 14/08/2015 08:59

I am having a bit of a tough time, but to be fair not as tough as my wife is finding it, and need some advice or to hear from anyone who has gone through similar.
Myself and my wife have been together 16 years, married 5, have 3 beautiful kids(all primary school age), a lovely house and a good lifestyle. But for the past few years my love for her has slowly disappeared.
It's come to a head now as I told her 6 months ago that I didn't love her and wanted to separate. She went though all of the understandable emotions, anger, sadness, accusations and begged me to try, mainly for the sake of the kids, to make a go of it. I have tried as best I can to make things work but the love has gone and it seems it won't come back.
She is throwing everything at me, mainly around the impact on kids, how could I be so selfish, how could I put them through this, why don't I love her, demanding I explain, she didn't become a mum to then become a part-time mum, why am I such a coward just running away, the kids are innocent party, why can't I just stay for their sake, you once loved me why don't you now???
I fear massively the impact on the children, I am very close to them all and love them massively, and do question how I could consider doing such a thing which will hurt them immensely and stay with them forever.
But, no matter what I do, what my friends say about the grass isn't greener, make it work etc. I simply do not love my wife. I do not want to spend time with her, we have never had the best relationship, it's been volatile, we have never really talked much, I have always thought this isn't what love is, this isn't what a relationship should be, more so over the last few years, but possibly a lack of confidence, expectations of others and ultimately doing right by the kids has led to staying together (till Joe) and getting married 5 years ago.
I know I may regret leaving.
I also fear it. But I fear being stuck in an unhappy marriage, settling, with someone I don't think I should be with, for the next 40+ years of my life.
I suspect I am being selfish, and I suspect that I may find happiness elsewhere at the expense of losing a lot and damaging my children.
I am massively confused, not in a good place....

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JeanSeberg · 14/08/2015 09:46

Would you consider couples counselling? Not necessarily with the aim of keeping the relationship going but to help you both to separate in as amicable a way as possible?

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TheMaddestHatter · 14/08/2015 09:51

In my opinion, people should never stay in an unhappy relationship 'for the kids'. It just builds up resentment, and children can pick up on the tension and ill feeling between their parents. Your children are only primary age, so you'd be looking at staying in this marriage for another good few years if you're waiting on them finishing secondary school.

Would you both consider a trial separation? Although, from the sounds of your OP, this doesn't sound like something your wife would agree to.

Have you and your wife talked through any ideas together? E.g. counselling, perhaps a weekend away together without the children? You seem to have a lot of doubt about ending this marriage so i think, to prevent the immense regret you may feel, you and your wife should perhaps commit the next 6 months to making it work? At least then, if you still decide to leave the marriage after this period, you know that you tried everything you could.

You understandably sound very concerned about the effect on your children. Of course they will be upset, but it is far fairer and easier on them to end the marriage now (if that's what you both ultimately decide to do) than when they are older e.g. transitioning to secondary school, uni; doing exams etc.

To prevent the 'damage' the ending of your marriage may have on them, make sure you talk to them before leaving. Assure them that your decision has nothing to do with them and that you love them more than anything etc. Assure them that you will still get to see them loads, talk on the phone between visiting days etc (this is assuming the children would live with their mother, i'm unsure who their primary carer is).

Talk to your wife before leaving to sort through practical things such as finances and contact. Then, if you think it for the best, have these things set in stone by means of a contact order and a direct debit set up for child maintenance. Use the CM calculator to work out how much is the minimum you are legally expected to pay through here: www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/

Of course it is entirely up to you (and your conscience, and of course finances) about whether of not you pay more than this minimum per month.

Good luck.

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Beren1 · 14/08/2015 09:52

Hi, thanks for the reply. We did go to Relate but the Counsellor felt that it wasn't for us as we clearly wanted different things, me an amicable seperation, her to save marriage. The counsellor also said I was sending mixed messages, although I think that's because I have said I will give things a go when not really feeling it in my heart. I know I should try to save marriage for kids sake but cannot bring myself to feel for my wife in that way.

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mindyourown15 · 14/08/2015 09:56

I think you staying for so long when you don't love her is actually quite cruel. All this time you haven't wanted her, yet you have stayed and made her think everything was ok. Then you drop this bombshell - no wonder she is reeling. Just leave - and let her rebuild her life without your false promises.

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PacificDogwood · 14/08/2015 09:57

Consider having another go at counselling - a good relationship counsellor is not there to help you 'make it work' or for her to 'let you go', but for the two of you work out where you are going from here.
It is always hard when a longterm relationship falters, particularly when there are kids involved.

It sounds to me that you are clearer in your own mind that you want out, so the option 'try and make it work' is off the table; that will change the dynamic of what goes on in counselling.

Staying together 'for the kids' sake' is not a viable option longterm. Children are not stupid and will know more about what's going on than you think, but obviously won't have an adult understanding of how complex things between adults can be.

Best of luck, you come across as reasonable and your wife as very hurt (understandably). I think it would be in everybody's interest to bring this stalemate to an end.

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BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 14/08/2015 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldmandra · 14/08/2015 10:10

I second trying counselling again.

The point of a counsellor is to help you listen to each other, find some common ground and, if at all possible, agree next steps for the whole family.

The children would be better off with an amicable split than being in a house with two adults feeling angry and resentful towards each other.

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PurpleWithRed · 14/08/2015 10:13

What's the question/ "Should I go or stay?" From what you've said, I'd say go. Yes it's going to be horrible in the short term but if you carry on vacillating like this then it's never going to get any better. Go to counselling on your own, work out a sensible fair financial and childcare plan, bite the bullet and do it. Expect her to be sad and angry and bitter and possibly a bit irrational for a while. But just do it.

Whatever you do DO NOT START AN AFFAIR. Just don't.

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PacificDogwood · 14/08/2015 10:16

It sounds to me a bit like your hoping for her 'permission' to leave, or for her to be ok about it?
She won't.
You want to leave, make that clear, take the flak and work on an amicable co-parenting relationship longterm.
You have to accept that she will be hurt, angry and sad - it's not her who wants to leave.

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AnImpalaCalledBABY · 14/08/2015 10:25

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position, ending a relationship is never easy on either party

I think your thread title says a lot 'wife won't accept seperation', maybe you're waiting for her to accept it? Or for her to agree? Or permission to leave? But you don't need any of those things, if you seperate she will have no choice but to accept it

It sounds as though you've really thought this through, in which case there is no shame in ending a relationship that doesn't make you happy. If you leave you are not leaving your children, just the marriage, you can still be a fully committed fantastic dad

It's awful for your wife that things have ended up this way and that she doesn't want any of this, but unfortunately that's how things are and you can't have a happy marriage that only one of you wants to be in. You can't make yourself love her

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QuiteLikely5 · 14/08/2015 10:25

If you are sure it's the end then take action and consider the future.

The future is this: you will lose a good chunk of your income for the next 10/15 years whilst paying for your children. You will have reduced access to them. At your age it is likely your position will mean a new partner will have children so that means a blended family, this can be problematic in a number of ways.

You will not damage your children if you and your wife are kind and amicable to each other after the separation. Anything bad throws up problems for the children.

You do not need permission to leave your wife.

I recommend that you start looking for alternative accommodation today, taking into account the space, location and number of bedrooms for your children.

You need to do this to put both you and your wife out of your misery.

Good luck it's going to be one long road until you get that divorce through.

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Beren1 · 14/08/2015 10:32

By staying I have sought to provide her what she has begged me for, a chance to save things for the kids sake as well as for hers, ours and our lifestyle, finances etc. Maybe it's cruel but unintentionally and it's a big decision and I admit to confusion, second thoughts, second guessing myself, trying to see what all our futures may hold.
Re affair - A friend said to me if you stay (for the sake of kids, settling, lack of disruption) you will likely have affairs and this would be so cruel. I think they are right. I have needs, to be fair my wife is now saying she will fulfil them (sex..) After years of lack of.... But despite it 'being on a plate' I can't, I don't love her and that would be crueller wouldn't it?
I want to be happy, at some point, with someone who I feel is my life partner, and I don't think my wife can be that despite all we have together.
Thanks for all responses, it helps :o)

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RandomFriend · 14/08/2015 10:51

How about having some counselling for yourself? That may help you to give yourself permission to leave.

Your kids will be more damaged if you stay together and model a bad relationship than if you split.

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AdoraBell · 14/08/2015 11:31

As others have said, see if you can get some kind of counselling, either for yourself or together to help make the split more amicable.

I do not think you should stay. My mother stayed until X finished school. Trouble is X was born 15 years before me so by the time I arrived the pressure to leave school at 16 and move out so that she was free to leave was over powering. Myself and my siblings were hugely damaged by my parents staying together "for the sake of the children"

Don't start an affair. That will make you the villain and be used to poison the DC's against you.

Regarding the DCs, keep talking to them and listening to them. Assure them that you love them and that they can talk to you about anything whenever they want or need to. If your work means you can't take calls during the day then tell them they can call you any evening/weekend. Make it so that they feel confident. And never, ever, bad mouth their mum.

The lifestyle and financial position haven't made you happy so far so there's no reason to suppose they will now.

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beachdays · 14/08/2015 11:56

Agree with everyone who says it's time to go, you've tried as hard as you can and thought it through loads. Now your wife is reduced to offering sex with you just to fulfil your "needs" even though she clearly doesn't want to, as you say you haven't DTD for years. It's humiliating for her, at best. As long as you stay, she will feel that there must be something she can do to salvage the marriage, when that's just not the case. Time to allow both of you to move on. You sound insightful and intelligent, so I'm sure you can find a positive way forward, yes your children's lives will be disrupted, but they don't have to be damaged if you get it right.

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Beren1 · 16/08/2015 16:34

Thank you so much for all the advice.
Well when it comes to it, leaving, in particular deciding to go ahead and tell the kids, is harder than I feel I can cope with at the moment. It seems so final, and have I tried hard enough? If it wasnt what seemed like the most significant and important decision of my life with the potential to impact the people I love most I am sure I would be gone now, but I keep questioning myself, my motives, my ability to cope.
But that leaves me stuck in a no mans land, unable to go (at present) and staying for kids but still keeping my wife at a distance which I know isn't fair on her.
I feel weak, emotional and hate what I am doing to my family but don't seem to be able to act.
Nor do I feel able to reconcile with my wife, get close to her and say it'll be ok because of the way I feel and the potential of stringing her along. Re. The comment about her lowering herself offering sex etc, that's not it, she (says) she realises she has. Neglected that for years and not only regrets it but wants to change and wants it, so I don't think it's a last gasp effort on her part but a genuine desire.
The helpful comments re. A counsellor are probably something I will look at. Thanks again.

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rouxlebandit · 17/08/2015 14:23

What is the very worst aspect of your relationship which you say has never been good despite being together for so long. Is it the lack of a [satisfying] sex life? Or is this aspect a manifestation rather than the cause of deeper problems.

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rouxlebandit · 17/08/2015 14:25

BTW what does "till Joe" mean or is it a typo? Can't find it on google.

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BecksTroll · 17/08/2015 14:31

That may be his third child. If so, OP ask MNHQ to edit that as it might be identifying.

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AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2015 16:21

OP, you need to go. Your 'dithering' is cruel and giving your wife false hope. She deserves better than that. And so do you. Yes, she will be devastated, but in the long run a sharp cut is better than a slow amputation.

You need to act like a man, be a man. If you don't love her and stay eventually resentment will cause you to seek an affair or to 'freeze' her out of your everyday life. She will become angry and resentful, or fearful and timid. Is that really what you want for the mother of your children? For the woman you once loved? Is that the kind of marriage you want to model for your children?

I suggest you see a solicitor and determine what is fair and equitable as far as maintenance. If she's been a SAHM and/or has no qualifications, you will need to 'man up' to that responsibility until she is able to get on her feet. And that may take a few years. I suggest, if possible, that you agree that she and the children stay in the marital home with the agreement that it will be sold when the youngest child leaves full time education.

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AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 16:30

OP, you need to own your decision

All this prevaricating is just cruel

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swisscheesetony · 17/08/2015 16:34

I am right now "the wife who won't accept it". I don't accept it. We've had a shit few years and I've had some sort of breakdown and left the family home with the kids. I started to sloooooow down and realise that I need to hold my hands up and take some (a lot) of responsibility for the state of our marriage. I stopped communicating and withdrew. He stopped communicating and got snappy.

He says he loves the children. Really? So he's just going to fuck off with his single life, shag 100 women and be some sort of Disney dad every fortnight. It seems so damned unfair that he's just turning his back on all of us because it's "not for him".

Fuck that. I want our beautiful, special, thoughtful wonderful marriage back. Not the way it was, but new and fresh and filled with trust and communication.

He's agreed to go to counselling with me.

It might be that indeed we split and somehow it gives me peace.

Right now I "refuse to accept it" - I want us to figure it out. We're adults who once made each other very, very happy. I don't think it's easier to walk out and start again, but it takes a different kind of courage to hold up your hands and say "let's try again" and knowing that you need some outside help to do it.

MN can be very "LTB" (leave the bastard) at the slightest indiscretion - there's not much talk of figuring it out and moving on. Hand on heart I believe all marriages go through rocky patches.

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RedDaisyRed · 17/08/2015 16:35

No reason in a non sexist 2015 that he cannot stay in the house with the children and the wife leaves and pays child support of course.

I would see a solicitor to talk about the chances of that option which is probably the one that would suit you best.

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AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2015 19:57

Of course you are correct red but I took from OP's statement that his wife is a SAHM and has been for some time. He quoted her as saying "she didn't become a mum to then become a part-time mum". I don't think it's particularly realistic for OP to suggest to her that she start working full time and pay support so he can stay in the home with the children Hmm.

Of course she'll need to be self-supporting at some point, which is why I said he needs to provide until she is able to get on her own two feet. It may be that she has prior training to enable her to get a well paid job in the near future. It may be that she has no qualifications and will need training to become self supporting.

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Beren1 · 17/08/2015 22:01

To clarify, until Joe is a typo, should be until now.
As for manning up and owning, stopping prevaricating etc, well forgive me for thinking through and not just leaving without being 100% sure, and putting my kids through something that may have a small chance of being avoided. I am also doing as asked, and staying if I have doubts.
She's not entirely a stay at home mum (don't follow all these acronyms by the way), 2 part time jobs around school hours allowing us to avoid childcare, but I have been relatively flexible for the last 3-4 years and whilst earning the lions share of money have taken on much of the childcare responsibilities including school runs, and whilst wife at work. She works hard, so do I, and we both do and have done loads for the kids and family.
My intention is to pay half the mortgage to allow kids to stay put and not unsettle them more. We have enough equity to split it and both buy separately but she does not want that and feels as its my decision I have to go and suffer to some extent, financially.
I have tentatively suggested buying her out, me remaining here with kids, allowing them to stay settled, her having enough to guy elsewhere, and I can pay all mortgage here, which she is unable to do. She refused and said she will not have me pushing her out when I am endingt things, which I think is understandable.
However I have gone through finances, with me renting elsewhere, her getting family credit, help with mortgage from me and maintenance, and I end up significantly worse off with her having excess cash - she says that that's how it works when one person wants to leave they have to take the hit. So I will be skint, she will be financially relatively comfortable, she will remain in lovely family home with kids, I will live in a small house in a poorer area with kids possibly not wanting to stay! I think this is bullshit, but need some advice, and also realise she may process and her anger may fade. Saying that, part of methinks I deserve to take a hit for not giving marriage enough of a go!

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