Do faithful men have sexual thoughts about other women?

(34 Posts)
theaftermath Fri 09-Jan-15 20:55:55

Having a trust issue with my partner.

(There is a background story but I'm exhausted so don't want to type it all out!)

He has told me that before he goes on a big lads night he has to remind himself of "us" and if he ever chats to a women he has to talk about me to ensure he prevents having sexual thoughts about anyone else.

He says he has never taken it further (apart from one incident which is part of the back story...) but I'm feeling very unsure of staying with him.

If I'm honest I do think men can have passing sexual thoughts about another woman without it really affecting their relationship with their partner... Or am I massively mistaken?

usualsuspect333 Fri 09-Jan-15 21:01:01

Having sexual thoughts about other women is ok.

Having sex with other women is not.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 09-Jan-15 21:07:41

Sexual thoughts about other women - fine.

Having to remind himself that he's in a relationship to keep himself "in check" on a night out with his friends sounds like he knows he's capable of more than just thoughts.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 09-Jan-15 21:08:59

Oops missed the bit where there's already been one incident.

This one isn't a keeper.

TheAwfulDaughter Fri 09-Jan-15 21:11:35

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theaftermath Fri 09-Jan-15 21:15:34

He didn't shag someone else but did chat her up, talk about mine and his sex life (in the context that it was great) and then text her when he got home.

DadOnIce Fri 09-Jan-15 21:16:04

Unless you want to argue that I've somehow been cheating on DW with Salma Hayek, Monica Bellucci and Michelle Pfeiffer, then yes, of course faithful men are allowed to have sexual thoughts about other women smile

AuntieStella Fri 09-Jan-15 21:16:22

I don't think you 'have trust issues'

You have a partner who has, at least once, done something that means you don't trust him. Trust has to be earned, and if doesn't sound as if that point gas ever been reached.

That said, yes noticing people are attractive is normal.

Doing something that acts on that attraction is very wrong. Talking about your partner can be an effective way of ensuring no moves towards flirtation.

Is he doing this as a buttress, knowing he has fallen short in the past? Or do you think there's other reasons in telling it to you?

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 09-Jan-15 21:21:24

So on this occasion, I presume talking about you to the other woman failed, because I'm doubting he text her just to say it was nice talking to you.

Is he in the habit of discussing your sex life with random women and then getting their phone numbers?

theaftermath Fri 09-Jan-15 21:23:45

He was talking to her about how good things were with us and apparently she liked the sound of me sexually hmm and they discussed threesomes (which I've said is a Fantasy of mine but ONLY a fantasy.)

He texted her to say it was nice to meet her and let him know if she wanted to meet up. I found the text.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 09-Jan-15 21:28:38

So as I said, on this occasion talking about you failed to "protect" him from sexual thoughts about, and trying to meet up with, this woman.

Now he knows that doesn't work, what is he proposing to do?

FATEdestiny Fri 09-Jan-15 21:29:36

In what way before he goes on a big lads night does he have to remind himself of "us"?

How does he do this before he goes out?

AuntieStella Fri 09-Jan-15 21:48:56

They discussed threesomes?

Well, unless saying 'I'd never do that' he'd have to describe you in positive terms if he wants a 3-way shag.

Have you discussed actually having threesomes, and the ground rules for who is invited along and how you both interact with that person?

nobutreally Fri 09-Jan-15 21:52:51

Having sexual thoughts about other women is totally normal. Having to 'remind yourself' that you're in a relationship is weird - like you might accidentally forget? And having to tell other women about your partner is also weird. Why? Would he otherwise 'forget' you again? Or would they throw themselves at him & he'd be powerless to resist.

I don't think you have a trust issue, what you have is a tosser.

theaftermath Fri 09-Jan-15 21:53:04

I've said it's a fantasy and not something is rule out EVER but no actual plans made...

30somethingm Sat 10-Jan-15 00:51:11

As man I fantasise about loads of women and have done when in relationships. I would never act on it though as you have implied he has?

Wackadoodle Sat 10-Jan-15 23:16:23

Having to remind himself that he's in a relationship to keep himself "in check" on a night out with his friends sounds like he knows he's capable of more than just thoughts.

Everyone's capable of more than just thoughts.

Of course men in relationships think about sex with other women - including when talking to those other women. The only difference in appearances is to do with how honest about it they are to their partners. A lot of women like the whole "darling, I only have eyes for you" thing, so men play up to it.

It's up to you what kind of appearance you want.

theaftermath Mon 12-Jan-15 10:35:03

so do you mean it's a good thing that he's telling me the truth about this stuff?

TheAwfulDaughter Mon 12-Jan-15 19:46:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VoyageOfDad Tue 13-Jan-15 19:09:36

Him saying he has to remind himself he's in a relationship actually sounds like him saying to you that you should somehow be grateful , if it weren't for The Relationship ( you ) he'd be drowning in women no doubt.

BreakingDad77 Thu 15-Jan-15 14:45:29

I would never contemplate giving my number to a random woman, hope you don't have kids or thinking about marriage with this guy.

Wackadoodle Thu 22-Jan-15 00:32:54

so do you mean it's a good thing that he's telling me the truth about this stuff?

Yes, it's better that he's telling you the truth about the behaviour. Whether you approve of the behaviour itself, whether it's a dealbreaker or whether you want to try and talk him into changing it, is another question.

But it's surely better to know about it than not to know, isn't it?

Avaline Thu 22-Jan-15 00:41:39

He's telling you that he doesn't feel,committed to you. No feeling in his heart mind or loins possesses him to any extent that he feels in an exclusive relationship.

He has to write a mental post it note to remind him you exist.

He lacks an inner sense of being in a relationship with you.

He's easily distracted and could potentially forget you exist, if his eyes and mind etc were full of some other woman.

Next time he mentions needing reminding of you, play him the old beegees song "how deep is your love?", just for a laugh, like.

fizzycolagurlie Thu 22-Jan-15 01:50:23

I think Avaline has a point there...but not to make light of a situation which is obviously troubling you, he doesn't sound like the best bet.

Unless he's just trying to get your attention in some way? Playing the sexual jealousy card, maybe?

AlleyCat11 Thu 22-Jan-15 01:59:43

Tell him that you're the same. You just can't help getting the giddy knickers if a bloke chats you up on a night out sans him. He'll soon shut up...

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