partners low libido

[rocket69]

Posted in main mumsnet relationships a couple of times had some helpful advice, just discovered there's a dad's section.
Basically our sex life has been up and down for a number of years, been together nineteen years 2 kids, went down after kids, picked couple of years ago. Then gradually dropped off again, to the point where it's been over 5 weeks since we last dtd, every time there's a while without a horrible cycle develops I get frustrated, feel hyper sensitive, rejected generally sad, this in turn makes her want to less and so it gets worse etc. She isn't keen on discussing it as it adds to the pressure which makes me more frustrated as noone in rl to talk to.
As logically as I can see all this I can't seem to break this cycle and was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts.
Aside from this relationship is really good, share a lot of interests and enjoy each others company. Please help!

[WalkWithTheLonelyOnes]

Is your DP on any kind of medication or contraception? When I was taking the pill and then again when I had the implant I would have strangled DP for even looking at me because I was so down/hormonal and generally feeling crap.

[rocket69]

Thank you for replying, sadly no meds at all not even the pill, I had a vasectomy a couple of years ago. To be honest I think if I could stop getting upset/dwelling on itso mmuch that would probably really help. However I can't (I am on ad's for mild depression and was partly hoping they'd help reduce my...) but just seem worse.

[Quicks123]

I was in a realtionship like this for thirteen years, irregular "dtd" can bring about alot of self doubts, my advice would be this. Talk to her, try to explain how you feel, not in a sitting her down and running through your list of feelings way, just casually when the time is right. Whatever you do, DO NOT have an affair for either physical gratification or to feel wanted again.

My ex and I were perfect in every other aspect and she is still my best friend now six years down the line from our split. The grass isnt always greener as I learnt from experience of wanting to feel wanted again. If all else fails, you cant go far wrong with your hand.

[rocket69]

That's a big part of the problem she doesn't want to talk about it as I think she then feels upset for not wanting to or not being in the mood more iyswim. Which leads to her wanting to even less due to feeling pressured. Which of course means I feel even more down etc.
Not really a lot of time on my own for hand based fun and also it's more the giving pleasure I enjoy/miss.

[Quicks123]

I feel you pain bro, its a sad time for sure, but maybe instead of worrying about it so much throw your energies into something else, easier said then done I know but constantly playing out the problem in your head will not give you the resolution you need.

If you have already broached the subject then just leave it at that. The seed will have been planted so to speak, and as long as your not making it into a huge deal then good things will come as the pressure eases.

As you say, logically you know what to do, go with that and ignore what the other side of you is saying. Enjoy being in her company, find an interest and take your mind off it.

[Minus2seventy3]

Another in a low point here, so I feel for ya. Mine's a far longer drought, so I'll not give any advice, cos I've obviously been getting it much more "wrong" in my attempts to rekindle the early days' affections.
Again, as I was in a pretty shitty and desperate state, posted in relationships for a female perspective, got some good advice, loads of stereotypical "are you pulling your weight" (yes, I am) comments, some "just leave her", and the odd "if she ain't doing you, she's doing someone else" (she isn't).
And then MN pulled the thread thinking I was a troll... Way to kick a fella while he's down.
All I can possibly suggest is cool and calm communication, but don't minimise how the situation is getting to you. Timing has to be important also - too early, and you're pushy and needy ; leave it too long (like I have?I hope not ), and it might be too far gone to get back. Good luck.

[boomoohoo]

Rocket I identify with how you feel. I am a woman, and my dp has a lower libido than me. I have gone through feeling hard done by and frustrated, and down too.

What has helped - not taking it personally. Trust that your partner doesn't want sex because they don't want sex, not because its with you. It's so unattractive to be that needy and sulky, and I didn't want to be that person. Sort yourself out if you need to, and be kind to your dp without expecting anything back.

Rarely is there a couple who have the same sexual needs, and unfortunately for us it's the one with lesser libido that calls the shots. But if you want to stay with her, try the suggestions above. I have sex less frequently than I'd like to but I don't expect it 3 times a week anymore. So when it happens once or twice a month it's better