I cannot get intimate with my Husband - WWYD

(8 Posts)
missmysexybody Fri 28-Feb-14 22:34:14

Warning, this is very full on. . .

I cannot have sex with my Husband anymore. He is wonderful, sexy to look at, caring, funny, sensitive and all the rest. Im very lucky to have him. Our life hasn't always been perfect, we have had many peaks and troughs over the last 8 years. However, our sex life is grim.

We saw a counsellor today and I confessed that I was sexually abused (not raped) from a very young age. This was the first time I had the courage to say it out loud, although my Husband had a hunch all along (hints during drunken conversations, reacting oddly when physically close, only having sex when inebriated).

There are 2 things here; although it wasn't conscious on my part, would you feel betrayed if you were led to believe your partner/wife enjoyed sex with you when she never did? Also, how would you cope if you knew it is unlikely that she will ever truly enjoy sex with you? Would this be a deal breaker?

contortionist Fri 28-Feb-14 22:58:41

Well done for telling your counsellor and your DH. That must have taken a lot of courage and is an important very big step on the road to hopefully developing a healthy normal relationship with sex.

I'm not sure the hypothetical reactions of strangers on the internet are going to be very useful to you. What really matters is how you and your DH deal with this from now on.

If he's as decent and caring as you think he is, surely his first second and third concern will be with you and your emotional well-being. I doubt very much that whether or not you faked sexual enjoyment will be anywhere on his list of concerns.

You said that your sex life has been awful. My guess is that your DH may be relieved that there is a problem out in the open, which can now be worked on and fixed. He might find this easier to deal with than a sex life which is unsatisfactory with no clue as to why or how to improve matters.
Of course, you might not find your trauma being treated as a problem that needs fixing to be very helpful! But it would be a common male reaction I think.

You say it's unlikely that you'll every enjoy sex with your DH. I suppose it may be difficult to imagine now, but I hope that with continued counselling and support and love from your DH you do eventually get to a place where you can have a normal and enjoyable sex life.

UnderYourCommand Fri 28-Feb-14 23:12:01

hi there OP. I've a few things to offer on this but it's late and I'd not wish to rush it. I'll post in the morning, if that's okay.

missmysexybody Fri 28-Feb-14 23:26:21

contortionist - your are right in what you say. I feel teary reading your post. Thanks for your kind words.

UnderYourCommand - any advice would be welcome.

neiljames77 Tue 04-Mar-14 09:55:53

I wouldn't feel betrayed. I'd feel incredibly upset that you had to do something you didn't enjoy just to satisfy somebody else. The fact that you're BOTH going to counselling is a really positive move. Getting it out in the open could be the catalyst for releasing the pressure and anxiety you must have been under. It will take as long as it takes. If you approach it together and get the right support, I'm sure you'll come through it.

NeoFaust Tue 04-Mar-14 10:02:27

My girlfriend was abused when she was younger. While her reaction to sex isn't as extreme as yours sounds, it has caused tension a time or two.

Once I eventually became aware of what was wrong, I didn't feel angry at her; I felt incredibly disgusted with myself. I felt complicit in the abuse, even unknowingly, because I thought I should have known and not put her in a triggering position.

Then she thought I was angry at her! Once it was clear between us though everything got sorted and we're now incredibly strong.

If there was one piece of advice I'd give, it's that if your husband seems upset or angry, it's not likely to be at you - it's more likely to be disgust at his own behaviour and unthinking, irrational murderous rage towards the abuser.

neiljames77 Tue 04-Mar-14 10:14:19

I agree.

missmysexybody Thu 06-Mar-14 11:46:15

Thank you everybody for taking the time to respond. Your advice helps me put things in perspective.

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