Hi wondering if I could pick your brains

(26 Posts)
zoesmum2012 Sat 18-Jan-14 22:59:04

Me and dh have a 12 month dd been Married for 8 months together two years our sex left used to be great now not so much we never have it anymore just twice a month now I miss it he never wants to but watches porn the only thing I can think of is he dosnt find me sexy anymore I've gained weight and always got some baby food on me so how. Can I get our sex life on fire again ? Thanks xxx

ilovemybabies123 Sun 19-Jan-14 08:01:27

This happened with my partner for the 1st 6 months after my 1st daughter was born, I just assumed the birth put him off and it sorted itself out but not the porn bit. I would be mortified if my partner watched porn at all, let alone replaced sex with me for it. I would feel cheated, why does he need to watch other people? Maybe that's just me?

Ledkr Sun 19-Jan-14 08:10:43

If he didn't watch porn then his idea of an attractive woman wouldn't be so skewed as to be tuned off by a bit of baby weight or rusk.

Your sex life will hardly improve if he continues to get his kicks like this.

Tell him to stop for a month and concentrate on real life, if he can't then ask him why not?

I will resist the temptation to point out the misogyny of the porn industry.

Daddyofone Sun 19-Jan-14 20:13:43

I'd suggest you try to find some time for just the two of you. Any grandparents who can babysit and allow you to go out just you and your DH with no baby food ?

I think he needs to knock the porn on the head too.

I don't think weight is necessarily the issue, women are still sexy if they put on weight. But it can be an issue, depends how much weight.

Daddyofone Sun 19-Jan-14 20:15:28

I will resist the temptation to point out the misogyny of the porn industry.

Yeah. You kind of did though by saying it.

AnyFucker Sun 19-Jan-14 20:17:23

Do you deny it's pretty relevant though, DOO ?

caruthers Wed 22-Jan-14 11:20:00

I think the porn industry is responsible for many attitudes and stereotypes that shape the thoughts of younger males and it can affect relationships negatively...it needs a shake up as to what is deemed acceptable.

Enforcing that modification is another matter though.

Also there are many women who watch porn and are caught up with the thought that their men don't match up to so called male role models in advertising/magazines/soap operas.

In the case of your issue OP your partner should be willing to accept that watching porn instead of having a healthy sex life with you is having an impact on your self esteem.

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 15:11:07

Lose some weight and put more effort into your appearance !?

Ledkr Wed 22-Jan-14 15:47:20

Wow!
What a nice man you are mat I bet you're fighting them off!
How's your appearance? I hope it makes up for your personality.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 16:03:33

Mat do you get your kicks putting women down? You said the same thing on my thread.

I feel sorry for the woman who ends up with you, even more so if she bears your child. Mind you, with your attitude towards postnatal women, I'm guessing she would come to her senses and kick your disgraceful arse to the curb.

I was going to call you a horrible man but I don't think you're deserving of the title 'man'. I'll settle for prick.

Delete away MNHQ - it was worth it.

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 16:10:07

thought you were looking for genuine advice, not pity. My mistake.

Ledkr Wed 22-Jan-14 16:15:06

If that's your advice then keep it.

If the ops husband is watching a lot of porn then no matter how much she improves her appearance she can't compete with the unrealistic images of women he is seeing and why fucking should she?
You don't grow and produce a whole new human being without it having some effect upon your body, most men don't go off their wives because if that.

I take it you are the clone of Idris Elba and have no human flaws to speak of?

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 17:10:51

There is no competition between porn and sex, he is turning to porn because he is not getting any sex.

You used to have lots of sex and now you don't and what's changed is you put on weight and have baby sick on you. So do the math.

I don't understand why you wouldn't take my advice, it was not meant to be insulting, what do you have to lose ?

Ledkr Wed 22-Jan-14 17:20:18

Read the thread.

The op would like more sex, the dp is watching porn thus doesn't want sex with her.
The op is questioning as to whether this is due to her weight gain and being a bit less groomed since the baby was born.

She possibly thinks this because of men like you.

I am not the op and do not need your advice thank you, my husband prefers me to porn and I've had five children so hardly Jenna Jameson.

grin

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 17:32:54

Good for your husband, Clearly the OP's husband doesn't feel the same way so she can either deal with the reality of that or not.

Porn is a symptom not a cause.

Ledkr Wed 22-Jan-14 18:00:15

Read some of the research before making such sweeping statements.

The regular use of porn has a massive impact upon people's real life sexual behaviours.

A few stretch marks and a bit of a round belly does not.

If the ops dh finds his wife's post baby body unattractive (and that's just what the op is guessing) then it's not going to be made any better by watching skinny orange girls who have any marks or blemishes edited out and seemingly enjoy having their bodies used for the enjoyment of others.

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 18:41:11

You're right, it's not going to be made any better by watching skinny orange girls who have any marks or blemishes edited out.

It will be solved by going to the gym, losing weight and putting more effort into her appearance.

Which is what I suggested.

Ledkr Wed 22-Jan-14 19:08:29

Yep it's that easy.

Pop to the gym, bit of mascara and bobs your uncle.

You maybe right, it might help, but it's not going to solve the problem is it?

Let's not forget that the dh hasn't actually said there is anything wrong with his wife ( who may be stunning but lack self esteem btw)
He is simply choosing to watch porn instead of having real sex.

The reason maybe and probably is a lot more complex than mere appearance.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 19:17:57

Mat - the OP could be the hottest damn woman on the planet, it wouldn't matter! When a man is so obsessed with porn that it takes over his sexlife then it doesn't matter what his partner looks like.

And as for 'porn use is a symptom and not a cause'...are you fucking kidding me?

Take a gander over to the relationship board. See how many threads there are about relationships that have been ripped to pieces because of the man's porn addiction. There's even one where a man was so addicted he had downloaded tens of thousands of pics and videos and had painstakingly organised them into hundreds of different folders.

Oh no, I forget. His wife had put on a stone, that was the reason he got into porn. hmm

Seeing as there's no fuck off emoticon, have this - biscuit

zoesmum2012 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:33:44

So me and dh had a talk about our sex life it has nothing to do with weight nor the way I look its because he doesn't feel close to me anymore and all I want is sex but he's into the hugs kisses foreplay such and such then sex and porns Easy no moveing no worrying about if am enjoying it so I stopped hassling for sex and got hugs etc and you know what we've had sex--twice----in----one day smile

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:44:01

Congrats, turns out I was wrong about the weight issue but the porn was a symptom and not the cause.

HappyGoLuckyGirl - call me !?

DoctorTwo Wed 22-Jan-14 21:02:17

Congrats on getting back in the saddle OP. Mat690 you sound like a keeper. hmm I saw XW in the supermarket t'other day and she said she was at her heaviest weight ever. I asked if her DP had mentioned it and she said no, never. Which is the way forward. She's not fat, just average.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 21:46:09

Congrats OP. Glad you have sorted things out. thanks

Mat - I don't understand your last post. Call you? hmm

Ledkr Wed 22-Jan-14 22:22:41

happy call him a tit grin

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 22:54:12

grin Ledkr.

I was wondering if he wanted a barrage of abuse! But, me being a lady I wouldn't be obliging. wink

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