Male perspective please - lack of sex.

(40 Posts)
HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 17-Jan-14 15:46:42

Not going to name change as I haven't got anything to be ashamed about.

To put it bluntly, I feel that me and my partner don't have sex enough.

I wouldn't say I'm a sex maniac or anything but I could very easily have sex every one or two days, whereas my partner would be satisfied with once a month!

We've had many an argument over this. I try to talk rationally about it but then it just decends into shouting for us both.

He says he just doesn't want sex that often. But here's the crux...

He's been on dating sites and messaging women on Facebook, in the past, roughly 6 months ago (our DS had just been born angry ).

I read the messages he was sending women and they were all extremely sexual in nature, very explicit and graphic. He also had a lot of porn on his phone and had no problem sorting himself out.

We've worked and are still working through it. It's got a lot better and I believe him when he says he hasn't done it again. He hands his phone over if I ever ask for it and doesn't take it to the bathroom, etc. Things are a lot better.

Yet we still have this problem. It's always me instigating, most of the time he refuses and when we do have sex I wonder if it's only to keep me happy or shut me up.

I'm hoping that you can give me some advice as to how I can handle this and try and get to the middle somewhere.

Have any of you ever been in this situation before? Was there a reason you felt this way? Is there something I can do to help get his sex drive up?

Just for info - we've just had our first born who is a dream of a baby. He's 6mo and goes 12 hours at night. I'm about a stone heavier than I was when we met but still largely the same shape. He gives me compliments all the time and is affectionate.

Sorry if that was garbled. If you need any clarification, just ask. smile

patter12 Fri 17-Jan-14 16:28:53

Hi! I've joined mum's net in part to reply to your post. It seems an important issue and should get at least one reply. From the sound of it you are both fairly reasonble people. Hope its worked it by now.

patter12 Fri 17-Jan-14 16:30:29

Erm...hope you get it worked out! not 'by now'!

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 17-Jan-14 17:13:06

Thank you! Should I be flattered that you joined Mumsnet because of my post? grin

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 17-Jan-14 23:09:36

Bump?

DarkKnight123 Fri 17-Jan-14 23:50:22

Perhaps the key is to make him feel really attractive and desirable. So that its not you wanting sex so much as wanting sex with him - if that makes sense. Basically am saying make him the object of your desire rather than of your need.

pinballwizard001 Sat 18-Jan-14 17:39:29

You sound like a nice caring person that is being torn by what to do.

I'm in a similar position. Wife doesn't want sex, even though she knows the importance of it in a relationship and how important it is for me. She also thinks seeking help is a waste of time.

This is what I have learned:
People emotionally connect in different ways, but can be divided roughly into two main groups, those who need sex for emotional connection, and those who don't. For me, a relationship isn't complete without the emotional connection provided though intimacy and sex. You sound similar to myself. Your husband is either able to emotionally connect without sex, or doesn't care. When I talk about sex, I'm not meaning a quick shag every now and then. A sexual relationship should be a journey, where you both make discoveries about each other and enjoy making the other person happy, evolving and trying news things to keep it alive. For me, it's about maximising my partners enjoyment. The deep emotional connection forms since both are sharing very intimate parts of what makes each other tick as an individual. After sex, there is the very relaxing and therapeutic cuddling and pillow talk. You feel at one and more connected, and this strengthens the relationship. If you like, part of the glue of the relationship.

So, you have to ask yourself this question: are you happy to not have sex again, ever? If yes, stay with your husband. If no, leave.

I have learned that I should respect that my wife doesn't want sex, and completely accept it. Which I have. However, I don't accept that I should never have sex again, or never feel that deep connection. For me, I have to decide to stay or go based on that simple fact. And my wife will have to accept that I may leave as a result. We also have a young child.

It is not easy, and you may have to ask yourself that question several times. One thing to remember: don't get caught up thinking things may improve with time, this gives you hope and stops you asking the above question. If you hope things will improve, and they don't several years down the line, you will have wasted that time, resulting in regret and feeling resentful.

If you do seek help, it may do something in the short term, but the underlying issues may not go away. You need to be with someone that understands your needs and has similar needs, that way you compliment each other.

Daddyofone Sat 18-Jan-14 22:07:48

This is probably of no help at all, and I would place a huge list of caveats if I wasn't watching Sherlock.

But one thing that will make a disinterested man remember how much he wants to do the deed with a woman is when another man takes an interest in her and she becomes unavailable.

It's like the joke. Most men realise how amazing their parter is. Usually about 3 minutes after she dumps him for being disinterested.

It's the lure of the unavailable.

There can also be a change in a mans view of his partner after birth. It can suddenly put a rather more realistic label on sex. in that it's about creating a baby rather than, if you'll excuse the phrase, getting your rocks off. Suddenly all that boob sucking and finger sucking takes on a totally different aspect because you realise it's completely associated with babies iykwim.

There was a term on women's hour today. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters grin

I know this isn't very PC on mumsnet but I'd suggest, if you want to rekindle his fire, try to periodically step out of the mum shoes, and put on the alluring yet distant shoes. Wear stockings, lippy, make your self alluring FOR YOUR OWN SAKE and if he doesn't respond then it's unlikely to be a goer.

But none of this is your fault so don't beat yourself up about it please.

That's just my advice. I hope you get a range. And I hope you find a solution.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 19-Jan-14 12:36:34

pinball - it is hard for me because I never used to equate sex with emotional attachment and connection. It was only when me and my partner got serious and fell in love that I started to bond with him during sex. All the times before it was just about pleasure. Now that I feel this way, I can't help but associate sex with love.

And when we don't have sex, or when he rejects me, it makes me feel incredibly unattractive and unloved. Something else which I've never felt before!

Have you spoken to your wife about the choice you are facing? It makes me feel awfully shallow when I think of leaving what is a happy relationship just because of sex.

Daddyofone - thank you for the advice. I see your point, I really do but then I think that I shouldn't be playing games at this stage in our relationship. We have a baby together and have committed ourselves to beingwwith each other. Should I really be putting on stockings and acting distant and alluring, essentially trying to titillate him into having sex with me?

Shouldn't we be able to enjoy this part of our relationship without the need for games?

For what it's worth, I do take pride in my appearance. I don't think I'm a dowdy mum type. But maybe it has been a while since I made a special effort with lingerie, etc. I may dig some out and surprise him, see what his reaction is.

horsetowater Sun 19-Jan-14 12:49:48

I'm not a Dad but nobody has mentioned the issue of betrayal here. They have a newborn baby and he is on dating sites and watching porn. He might as well have had an affair. He is probably vfeeling guilty about this but won't admit it, because you have let him get away with it. You need to show him in no uncertain terms that what he did was wrong, on many levels.

You shouldn't have to check his phone, he should want it to be 'clean'.

Daddyofone Sun 19-Jan-14 13:05:53

HappyGolucky

I know, I know, I completely agree about not playing games, and you shouldn't have to be doing that in a situation like yours. I was thinking aloud.

It probably sounded like I was suggesting some sort of scene from'Allo 'Allo with you blowing cigarette smoke in his face and stretching out on the chez lounge in a silk dress.

And I apologise if I gave the impression I thought you were dowdy. I didn't intend to.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 19-Jan-14 14:30:49

Horse - I did make it very clear, we very nearly broke up over it and it took me a while to decide that I wanted to try and make it work.

Daddyofone - I know you weren't implying that I was dowdy, don't worry. grin I just couldn't really find another word to describe it.

I do understand what you meant re. the making an effort and titillation. And I think if I was a weaker woman I would have tried it many a time before. I guess I'm more of a tell-me-straight-and-we'll-work-at-it kind of gal. Or maybe I'm just stubborn! blush

Daddyofone Sun 19-Jan-14 15:47:18

I suppose one question would be when did he start to want infrequent sex with you ? I assume it hasn't always been so ?

alphamalesPOV Sun 19-Jan-14 20:16:35

Hello HappyGoLuckyGirl, I feel for you, I really do. i think you should switch tracks on him. Start going out more. Go out looking really hot, and come home and not mention your night out at all. If he wants to go on swinger websites, you set up a profile on one and see how he likes it...after all, what's good for the goose and all...

Daddyofone Sun 19-Jan-14 20:42:33

I think we've established playing games isn't a great idea 'alpha'

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 19-Jan-14 20:57:33

Daddyofone - we had sex once or twice a week for about a year, then it dwindled. We had some time apart and when we got back together things were great again then we discovered I was pregnant.

While I was pregnant we hardly ever had sex, he said it put him off when he thought of the baby, so I accepted that.

Now it can be anything from once a fortnight to well never I suppose, if he had it his way.

alpha - thanks for the input but that's just not my style. I certainly wouldn't go on a dating site. I have committed myself to this man, I'm not going to try and 'get back at him/give him a taste of his own medicine' or anything of the like. But thanks.

Daddyofone Sun 19-Jan-14 21:45:47

Well I guess there's always a honeymoon period.

I didn't want to say it but I thought it would have happened when pregnancy entered the picture.

I'm pretty sure it's fairly common.

For some men I think pregnancy and babies are in direct conflict with their view of sex. Sex is seen as a 'jolly' and pregnancy brings home the reality of its biological purpose.

Hence he was online sexting women but not having sex with you. He's hanging onto the 'dream' and not moving on and seeing reality and working with that.

It's a form of denial and dare I say it immaturity.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it wasn't a planned pregnancy ? Forgive me if I'm wrong.

Ultimately if you want to regain a decent sex life I think HE needs to sort himself out. If you want to aid that, again, I think it's about showing him that sex is still about full blown umphhhhh and getting any thoughts of babies out of his head.

But quite probably you've already done that. If so, it's in his court. I'd think you need to quietly in your head agree how long you'd give the current situation of not much sex and take the appropriate action if and when it expires.

Daddyofone Sun 19-Jan-14 21:46:42

I am in noway qualified to give relationship advice btw . It's just my personal opinion.

LauraBridges Sun 19-Jan-14 21:54:40

So he masturbates?> In that case it's not that his sex drive is low. It is just he would rather do it himself than with you. How often does he orgasm per week?

Could you not have sex for 2 weeks by agreement but watch a lot of erotica together and talk a lot about what you'd each like to do sexually - in other words make it very frustrating so he will want it more and no masturbation either?
Has either of you got fat?

horsetowater Sun 19-Jan-14 22:48:16

If he doesn't want you more than anyone or anything else, there is a big problem.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Tue 21-Jan-14 12:34:42

Daddyofone - I thought it may be linked to my pregnancy but when I look back now, the lack of sex was a factor in why we decided to break up about 16 months into our relationship.

The amount of times we've had discussion about it and I've decided in my head to just let things pan out for a period of time and if nothing has changed then leave. But I can never let it get that far. I do love him and want us to be together as a family.

But then rationally, I know it's not fair for me to be unhappy and compromise my needs.

Just keep going round in bloody circles!angry

Laura - but then is that something we would have to do every two weeks? It's a good idea in theory but it's not going to sort our sex life out. And no, neither of us has got fat? Which is a bit of a rude question. I had my Son 6 months ago so obviously my body has changed and I'm about a stone heavier than I was. He still gives me compliments and tells me I'm attractive and sexy.

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 15:04:55

He wants sex, he just doesn't want sex with you. If you want honesty then the extra weight is most likely a problem. As for the compliments, what else is he going to say ?

Also a lot of women underestimate the value of novelty.

Some of the other advice on here is absurd, you cannot shame, guilt or reason a man into having sex with you if he doesn't want to.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 15:34:28

Mat - I agree with the last line of your post.

As for the rest - do fuck off, dear. biscuit

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 16:11:43

So you want sympathy and not advice ?

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 16:30:36

I don't want sympathy nor do I need it.
You're just not the type of man I would want to listen to, never mind actually take your advice.

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