Son keeps assaulting daughter

(15 Posts)
innisglas Fri 07-Mar-14 00:52:07

I think accentuate the positive, keep her safe and also tell her off if she deliberately bothers him.

My daughter was awful to a boy of the same age who was staying with us and the more I punished her the worse she behaved, it was like she blamed him for her getting into trouble.

innisglas Fri 07-Mar-14 00:33:01

I think accentuate the positive, keep her safe and also tell her off if she deliberately bothers him.

My daughter was awful to a boy of the same age who was staying with us and the more I punished her the worse she behaved, it was like she blamed him for her getting into trouble.

TheMaw Wed 26-Feb-14 21:55:20

Is it just his sister or does he do it to other children too?

anxiousnow Wed 15-Jan-14 22:18:27

Hi OP, sorry you are experiencing this at the moment. I've tried to make some suggestions, I hope they are relevant.

I wonder if your daughter's age is adding to this. She is now probably more mobile and more vocal. She can now smash down his tower or rip his prize comic. Does he have any of his own space, a special shelf, or magic treasure chest where he can keep things 'especially for big boys'?

Is there anything you can encourage your DS to teach DD? I always found that helped. Showing him that he has the power to teach and amaze his little sister.

I have DSs and my youngest is a girl and I try to encourage them to protect their little sister, but it doesn't always work and they do bash her at times, but she's a strongen wink

Good luck.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 11-Jan-14 20:48:02

Socks I'm sorry about your experience too. sad Your brother being violent towards you definitely sounds like assault.

There is a much smaller age gap between OP's children though and would imagine a 4 year old behaving this way, while still worrying, is less serious (and hopefully easier to remedy) than a teenager or even a 7 or 8 year old behaving in this way.

DesperatelySeekingSanity Sat 11-Jan-14 20:47:42

She shouldn't have to keep on experiencing this. But a four year old isn't assaulting his little sister. That, to me, implies more malice and intent than a four year old is capable of.

I'm not saying she should have to put up with it, but punishing him isn't fixing it. So finding other solutions instead may be more effective and lead to her being bashed about sooner.

Modelling better reactions might help - "We don't hit" and follow up with what you do want him to do - do you want him to shout for you, to run away, to have a safe older child's part of the room? It is easier to replace a behaviour than to stop it, so show him what you want him to do rather than just telling him to stop what he is doing.

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 11-Jan-14 20:47:35

Thanks Cocktail. Yes I do think he has a massive personality disorder and some mental health issues, but that's a whole new thread.

I don't think occasional lashing out is assault, but when it's continual it's more serious.

Reincarnatedpig Sat 11-Jan-14 20:39:38

Can you and his mum set aside some one to one time for each of you and just him daily if possible ? And he decides what you do/play. Ie not you reading to him etc. "special time".

We used to do this as advised in speech therapy and it really improved my relationship with my elder child who really resented her younger sister.

CocktailQueen Sat 11-Jan-14 20:34:38

Fortheloveofsocks - I'm so sorry to hear about your experience, this I think Desperately is right here when she says he isn't assaulting her - most siblings are violent towards each other as children, at least occasionally and usually - in my experience - as play fighting, nothing more serious. The vast majority grow out of it long before adulthood, and it does not usually denote a serious personality problem!

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 11-Jan-14 20:30:23

Desperatly but why should she have to suffer this? I don't agree assault is an adult only concept.

However my brother did continue assaulting me into adulthood. The last time he was 22 and I was 16

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 11-Jan-14 20:27:47

Whatever you do, don't ever normalise his behaviour or accept it.

I was in the same position as your DD. My so called brother is 6 years older and my parents thought it was just normal sibling rivalry sad

If it got serious, my dad would punish him, usually by hitting him or grounding him. But it never stopped it, so I think you are right in not smacking him.

Personally if I were you I would look at seeking professional advice.

CookieLady Sat 11-Jan-14 20:19:39

At the moment he's being told off, etc., and probably associates it not with his actions but instead his sister. So the resentment increases as does him 'punishing' her. I know it's difficult focus on the positive things he does with her and go town with praising him for those moments. It'll help shift the focus away from negative behaviour to reinforcing positive behaviour.

I second the advice of being given one to one time.

DesperatelySeekingSanity Sat 11-Jan-14 20:14:32

If taking him out of the situation isn't working, try bringing him more into it? From his point of view, life has been set up with him at the centre. Now his sibling has moved from being loud immobile lump in the corner to child running around, he's got competition, and he doesn't like it. He does his best to make it go away, but instead he's being sent away, and his favourite things are being taken away too. So he's going to carry on resenting this horrible addition to his life.

Try making an extra special fuss of him. Praise him and cuddle him and give him mammoth amounts of reassurance - especially if he does anything kind and caring for his little sister. Find ways of doing special things for him, and if sister is into knocking down his toys or interrupting his play, find a way around this - which may mean cordonjng off part of a room with a safety gate so he can eg play with Lego without her trying to eat it.

Catch him being good, instead of catching him being naughty. Everything he does, shower him with kisses and whatever makes him giggle.

Assault is an adult thing. He isn't assaulting her. He's communicating how frustrated he is at her presence in his life, but he doesn't have the emotional maturity to explain that.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 11-Jan-14 20:11:29

I'm not a dad so I hope you don't mind me replying. smile

I think your first instinct not to hit your son is absolutely the right one. I also think you are probably right that he is jealous of your DD.

I wonder if he would benefit from some one on one time with you or your DP. Have you read about love bombing?

siccy17 Sat 11-Jan-14 20:06:05

I am aware that it is perfectly normal for siblings to fight, and for the first born to be jealous of the second born and so on. But I am at my wits end trying to stop my nearly 4 year old son from constantly battering my 18 month old daughter. He doesn't seem to be able to stop himself. Tonight he pushed her off the side of an armchair. It could have been extremely dangerous. I'm genuinely worried that he will do something like pushing her down the stairs. I don't want to hit him (I have never hit either of my children as I was constantly hit as a child and all it did was make me resent my parents) but I don't know what else to do. We've tried everything, from the naughty step, putting him in his room, banning him from watching TV/using the computer, and so on, but nothing stops him. Please, if anyone has had a similar situation and tried something that worked can you let me know. Otherwise I'm afraid that the next time he does it I'm just going to belt him!

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