ex moving boyfriend into marital home

(66 Posts)
dogtired190 Fri 30-Aug-13 22:17:21

wife moved in new boyfriend without telling me.
i left her a year ago for another.have continued to pay house bills and mortgage (£800 a month)still go to house regularly as garage is also my workshop. have two children 18 and 16. wife on low income + benefits only, recently started working part time after 20 years
should i continue to pay ? can i tell him to pay rent? can i ask him to go?
what should i do???

43percentburnt Wed 02-Apr-14 23:06:06

You say you earn 12k is that paye 12k or a self employed with an excellent accountant 12k? Does your accountant offset for using your garage as a workshop, using electricity, gas, water, phone, car insurance etc at the old property? Are you avoiding selling due to the garage?

If you are unhappy with the financial agreement speak to your ex and suggest selling the house. Yes she may have to downsize but why drag this out? Mediation, assuming no abuse at any point in your relationship.

Once you are financially separated and maintenance is set you can live with your new girlfriend and your ex with her new boyfriend. You no longer have to worry about what she is or isn't doing. You pay your girlfriend your half of the bills and house costs and move on with life.

caruthers Thu 20-Mar-14 00:11:09

You have my sympathy OP.

But keep paying (And not over the odds) and when the time comes sell up and just move on.

Your ex and her new beau could have saved up enough for a deposit on their own little dream house by then.

EurotrashGirl Sat 15-Mar-14 20:45:31

OP, don't view the mortgage costs as paying you ex's and her boyfriend bills. View it as building equity in an asset.

that aside..

OP, I can imagine why you would want to minimise disruption to your children at least until they both reach the age of majority, and I can understand why you would want to do this by continuing to pay for the family home.

From what you describe, however, it sounds as if your relationship with your wife is over. You are entitled to get on with your own life, and she with hers. Doing that requires disentangling your financial affairs, ie, splitting the assets and liabilities, putting the house on the open market or buying her out of her share and her moving out.

In the meantime, you are trying to have it both ways and have got yourself into a somewhat contorted position. ,However good your intentions are. It is her house too - she is entitled to take in a cocklodger if she chooses. And in financially underwriting said (possible) cocklodger, your aren't able to fulfil the responsiblities you have assumed to your new partner. You made a choice, and now you've got to follow it through.

She offered to let you off maintenance if you signed over your rights in a house with 270K equity?

And your children are 18 and 16?

Is your ex-W incapacitated or given to taking the piss?

Tishtash12 Fri 07-Mar-14 08:52:47

Hi only joined to reply to this message, you may have left your wife for another and I do not agree this is the way as my mum went through this 3years ago, your ex is obviously hurt by they way you did things and making you pay, but this isn't right either I do not understand why you are paying mortgage, insurance etc at the end of the day you need to divorce and get it over and done with as it isn't going to make it easier for the kids even if there over 18) I was 20 and I felt like my family was falling apart but life goes on and you are supporting your kids above and beyond. I understand paying for your children but that doesn't equate to the amount you are paying, I go by equality and we'll me and my partner pay our ways together, I would never under any circumstances make my partner (together or separated) pay through the nose to get my own back as kids are involved and at end of day they will and are old enough to decide if they want to forgive you for what you did and your the one who will have to live with the decision you made. if she can't afford it she needs to get off her arse and work more to afford it, i assume if anything were to happen to house you would take your kids in, her partner is her choice at end of day but under no circumstances should he be living rent free, if anything he should want to pay for HIS living if he has any respect for her and himself (not for your sake it being the family home). I do hope it's all sorted now. Tash

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 15:08:16

For the love of god man, stop paying, contribute as little as legally possible and make her fight for every last penny she wants from you.

Loveineveryspoonful Thu 24-Oct-13 09:48:00

Dogtired, perhaps you'd be interested in the thoughts of someone in your present dp's situation...?

I am actually relived that there are men out there who can see a problem with exw and mean to address it.

I met and married a man in similar circumstances, and can only encourage you to follow the lengthy and detailed advice given by previous poster, gigglestar.

I wasn't ow, btw, but was still dragged into the post divorce battle by exw ("don't spend money on that woman and her son that you could be spending on your children" OR "you are spending more time with that woman's son then with your own").

Dh had practically no spending money at all although he earned pretty good wages as he was paying maintenance (already classed "luxury level" in this country ,I.e. Europe but not UK) + school fees for private school for both dc + any extra exw could think to throw in (resorting also to extorting money from inlaws for any number of after school activities she could think of).
Btw, exw earns above average income, like dh.

Then there was the blackmailing I.e. Despite money rolling in, dh was kept on tenterhooks about visitation rights (although blooming obvious to all and sundry that he was just about still primary caregiver, having them 50:50 to look after, the rest was mostly her parents and aunt).
Needless to say, I was aghast at the spineless attitude to exw being displayed, I was giving lodging and contributing to food, bills etc 50%, eventhough there was only my ds and me and three of them (eow and twice a week for full dinners I was cooking).

Was I resentful? Hell yes!!!

Some of the above conditions have changed, only because dh finally listened to me, his parents, his friends, his former inlaws (!) and now also the couple counseler we've been seeing for nearly a year (and after 4 years of this nonsense I'm still not sure if the changes are enough to keep me in this relationship).
Please don't think its just the money, I have a good wage, managed fine on my own as lone parent for 8 years and exw has an excellent salary herself, so no, his children's lifestyle hasn't changed one iota.
It's the unnecessary pandering to someone's whims that get me.

Interestingly, while she is still trying to squeeze money out of dh, she has a cocklodger of her own, literally a toyboy (about 8 years younger) with no discernible income. Is dh also funding him? Probably, yes.

gigglestar Sun 20-Oct-13 20:13:18

You have my sympathies OP. A friend of mine was in a similar position but "sucked it up" for years, the end result was not a happy or healthy one for him or his children.
In my opinion it doesn't matter who initiated the split-when you've fallen out of love with your partner and cannot live together then it is best for both individuals AND the children that you separate. Happy parents are better than angry,argumentative parents. Personally, i think she's taking you for a mug and using the children as emotional blackmail. It is your choice how much you choose to pay over the amount required by CSA - however, you are not doing yourself or your children any favours by not looking after yourself.
You need to sort out your finances ASAP - be that via mediation or the legal route.
You need to a home that gives you security (not one where you get thrown out after an argument) and somewhere where your children can visit/stay/feel comfortable.
You need to ensure your finances not only allow you to pay CSA but also allow you to be able to afford to take your children out and about etc

Your ex chose to sacrifice her career to be a STAHM so don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty for her life choices. She is more than capable of earning her own money and funding her own lifestyle.

You are completely right in expecting her new live-in partner to pay up-how dare anyone expect you to pay for him!! The fair thing would be for the three of you to pay a third each towards the monthly mortgage and council tax. He should also be paying towards the utilities and groceries and the car if he is using it. Stop paying for the car if you are not using it and find an alternative place to store the contents of your workshop - you don't live there anymore and so should not be there so regularly.

When you do decide to finalise the divorce and sell the house -*split it 50/50*, she is not "owed" more than that.

Had my friend not "sucked it up" all those years ago, he would not have ended up living in a bedsit unable to have his children come and stay and enjoy their family time together, his ex would not have been able to accuse him of "being a crap dad" because he could not afford to take the children out,take them on holidays, buy them clothes etc, help towards college and uni costs. She would not have been able to accuse him of being a "bad example" because he wore charity shop clothes (all he could afford) and only ever went to the pub when he socialised (he was left with a tenner a week to spend on 'socialising'). She would not have been able to twist the situation and the facts and poison the children into believing he didn't give two hoots about them. Now that the children are adults and can see for themselves exactly what he sacrificed to ensure they were provided/cared for they are re-building their relationship.

Don't let that happen to you. There are two wage earning adults living in that house and your children will not go without food etc if you reduce the amount you pay per month in order to rebuild your life. Especially as she will be receiving additional benefits as a low wage earner.

Plus, having your own secure place means your children have the option of going to live with you if they don't get on with her boyfriend smile

have a look at this to get you started:
www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/rates-used-by-the-child-support-agency

fifi669 Mon 09-Sep-13 16:41:47

You're on £12,000 a year OP so the CSA would determine you pay £150pm for your youngest DC. Your eldest could be out of CSA, if not it would only make your payment towards them £200pm. Yet you're paying £800? In all honesty I think you're being mugged off!

Yes you left for another woman. That doesn't mean you should bankroll your ex for eternity. A few months to sort herself out after would be a polite thing to do after years of her not working. You say she is working now so she'll have her wages and child/working tax credits and prob a contribution towards council tax. She may not be living the life of Riley without your money but she'll manage.

In all honesty I'd sell up and separate yourselves financially aside from any payments you need to make for your children. With the equity in your house her half could buy somewhere smaller that she can afford to run independently.

Yes pay for your children. Don't pay for your ex. It's not your responsibility anymore.

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 05-Sep-13 17:34:23

When did equality of sacrifice equal bank rolling the ex's new partner?

the OP has never said that he wanted a pat on the back for being a dad.

Twiddlebum Thu 05-Sep-13 08:51:07

Zoe, I think you need to put the armchair psychology book down??

Zoe999 Wed 04-Sep-13 22:18:02

I'm not sure what point you're making here. the op admitted he wanted control and said himself that financial control was all he had. The fact that he left for another woman is mentioned repeatedly I guess to try and underline the irony at his discontent that she has met somebody else. I read the posts he made and it seemed to me that he had a sense of entitlement to relinquish some of the sacrifices of parenting. Or, if not relinquish more than his share of the sacrifices of parenting, to want/need admiration for retaining close to half of the sacrifices for parenting. My point was only ever that he needed to feel more responsibility towards his children and less responsibility to his new gf. This shift in attitude would be in his children's best interests. Maybe not in his new girlfriend's best interest though. Whether or not he's a cocklodger in somebody else's house because another man is a cocklodger in his xw's house, janey mackers, perhaps. Hiding thread now because it's like pushing water uphill making the same simple points about equal division of sacrifices for parenthood and being self-aware again and again.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 04-Sep-13 21:25:42

just because "he left the marriage for another woman"
does not mean that he should have to cocklodger.

Although the OP has been honest in saying that he cheated it shouldn't have an effect on the responses that he gets. From what I can see most of the suck it up posts are from people that can't get passed "he left the marriage for another woman"

Zoe909 Wed 04-Sep-13 19:24:11

If the op's wife came here and gave us the same story her x has given us, I'd definitely advise against moving a man into the family home on the grounds that it's a bit soon. Also,personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable supporting a man when I were a 'dependent' (financially) myself. But the OP's wife hasn't come here looking for advice on what to do.

OP may indirectly be subsidising a cocklodger but given that he left the marriage for another woman is he in a position suggest to his wife that he control her life? He could try but I don't think it would be for the best.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 04-Sep-13 18:40:20

Interesting that when a man moves in with a woman a contributes nothing he is a cocklodger.

Yet the cocklodger that moves into the house that the OP is paying for is just his ex's dp.

If the op is paying for this man to live rent free then the op is deserving of some sympathy.

Zoe909 Wed 04-Sep-13 12:28:46

I am not going to detail my personal circumstances to you but I have nothing to complain about. There may be an element of cognitive dissonance on your part there, if you think that I must be 'bitter' just because I recognise an entitled mind set when I see it.

I wonder why you are motivated to collude with the OP in believing he is entitled to admiration/gratitude for paying maintenance? Sympathy is one thing, but to encourage the OP's idea that he is a little bit hard done by, or, that he has a grievance when his wife finds a new partner - it comes across as though you have some issues..

But that can be your thread! Here on this thread, it does the OP no good to have his sense of entitlement nurtured. Whether he likes it or not the relationship between he and his xw will work better if the sacrifices of parenting are equalised, and he adopts a little self-awareness. This will help him relinquish the control he admits to wanting, and to behave in a respectful, sympathetic way in order to nurture a more egalitarian co-parenting plan.

Twiddlebum Wed 04-Sep-13 04:45:42

Zoe, you sound very bitter and seem determined to take it out on this op regardless. When relationships break up its hard and never going to be easy with financial stuff etc but I do believe that SOME men get an unnecessary hard time for walking away. Would you prefer all men to stay in an unhappy relationship all their life?? Preventing both partners from meeting someone better suited!? I know a few men that are in the op's position and its certainly not easy for them!! As for walking away leaving the children..... I'm sure many men would love to have custody of their children.... Could you imagine the uproar if they did... They can do no right!!

Zoe909 Tue 03-Sep-13 23:04:14

he wasn't simply sounding us out. he wanted to be told that he was good for paying when "he didn't have to" and for people to sympathise at his loss of control. he needs to let his x have some of the freedoms he's enjoyed whilst still remembering his responsibility is to his children before his gf.

SoupDragon Tue 03-Sep-13 11:31:11

Yet again an op getting a hard time for simply sounding out an idea!!!!

No he didn't. Advice was give, questions were asked, stuff was ignored...

Twiddlebum Tue 03-Sep-13 11:23:00

Yet again an op getting a hard time for simply sounding out an idea!!!! confused

If the op is paying for bills/mortgage why should he pay for the electricity, water,gas, etc used by the new BF??

The op is doing right by paying as he is but I don't think it is unreasonable that the new BF should contribute the the bills etc instead of freeloading!

78bunion Tue 03-Sep-13 11:11:37

Yes, most of us were recommending reaching agreement - including my post. You need to finalise the divorce once and for all with an agreed consent order. Make an offer after taking legal advice and then have solicitors write it into a consent order once it is agreed and have the court seal it.

Zoe909 Mon 02-Sep-13 20:29:58

"financial control is the only control I have".

hmm. You left your x for another woman and yet you feel entitled to have control.

Just because some men walk away and pay nothing doesn't make you worthy of a round of applause for paying something towards your own children. So, you're not a deadbeat. Great, neither is their mother. Their mother is not a deadbeat either. IN fact the bulk of the sacrifices of parenting will fall to her if she is the main carer.

As for feeling guilt for "freeloading" with your new gf, I think you need to think about what your real responsibilities are. Your first responsibility is to maintain a stable home and pay maintenance for your children. Only after you have done that can you find space in your head to feel guilty for not paying towards your gf. This is the woman who wanted you despite knowing you had a wife and kids.

MisForMumNotMaid Sun 01-Sep-13 20:12:30

Have you ever considered mediation?

It sounds as though emotionally you're both moving on but financially their is no exit plan.

With £270k equity between you theres money to help your dc find their feet in a couple of years (rent deposits etc) and even after costs to have a decent amount to put down on somewhere/ invest yourself.

In the meantime if your ex lives in the house with new partner a rent element coud always be deducted from her share, morally assuming you'd pay a percentage of the household costs and maintenance also.

NumTumDeDum Sun 01-Sep-13 19:59:23

The majority said to seek legal advice and get an agreement. Which involves talking it through but with a realistic idea of what a court would be likely to decide, ie knowing your position before commencing discussion.

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