ex moving boyfriend into marital home

(66 Posts)
dogtired190 Fri 30-Aug-13 22:17:21

wife moved in new boyfriend without telling me.
i left her a year ago for another.have continued to pay house bills and mortgage (£800 a month)still go to house regularly as garage is also my workshop. have two children 18 and 16. wife on low income + benefits only, recently started working part time after 20 years
should i continue to pay ? can i tell him to pay rent? can i ask him to go?
what should i do???

I assume that the house is also still yours?

And that you will benefit from the sale when the children have grown up?

If the above true then nothing - the house is provided as a home for the children.

dogtired190 Fri 30-Aug-13 23:01:22

are you saying he doesnt have to pay anything? and i continue to pay over and above what i could

CoffeeandScones Sat 31-Aug-13 08:04:51

Well, are you divorced and have court agreed financial arrangements? I guess not if you still own the house.

Wasn't clear from your post whether you were paying the £800 voluntarily, as it were.

But he's not obliged to pay anything, no.

Have you not agreed the financials in the divorce?

Unless you want your house repossessed then isn't paying for the house the best thing for you?

Once the children have grown in 2/3 years you can then sell it?

Remember, he's her boyfriend - not the father of the children - he has no responsibility to them - you and your ex do.

You're not really saying that your ex who has to still live with the children and provide the day to day care shouldn't have a partner ? You've got one, why shouldn't she?

If you haven't sorted out the financials then maybe you would prefer to fight to sell the house - obviously you will still have to pay 15-25% as contribution for the children but maybe you feel that's financially better for you?

Or maybe you prefer to gain financially by continuing to pay into the property to sell at a later date?

dogtired190 Sat 31-Aug-13 09:07:54

am paying voluntarily, not yet divorced.been trying to do things right by keeping them in a house she cant afford alone, hoping to settle financially in a year or so.(i hear of so many splits where father ceases any payment)

am living with my partner but only paying her £50 a week. she feels that she is paying for him to live at my house in effect. its not that i want dont want her to have a partner but am concerned about lack of consultation. he would have to pay rent elsewhere why should he freeload?

if i split with my partner (which happened briefly because of tensions with ex)i cannot afford to rent for myself and still pay for the house.
what then?

headlesslambrini Italy Sat 31-Aug-13 09:15:53

sorry but why the hell should she need to 'consult' with you? Your name maybe on the deeds but you left. Do you feel that by providing a home for your children, then this still gives you some say over your ex?

NatashaBee Sat 31-Aug-13 09:25:14

If you don't like it, why don't you move forward with the divorce quicker so that you can agree the financials?

dogtired190 Sat 31-Aug-13 11:21:59

ok lets add a bit more detail on the new boyfriend, he doesnt have a job, he left his ex wife in huge debt and has also caused two fairly serious fires where he lived
any thoughts?

NatashaBee Sat 31-Aug-13 11:26:37

If that is the case I would be more concerned for the children than how much of the mortgage I was paying.

Zoe900 Sat 31-Aug-13 11:30:19

you left her for another woman, and you're not happy she has a new man? why do you think the new man should pay for your children?

honestly you don't sound like a nice man at all. YOU left HER. That was your decision. That must have been horrible for her. Now she has met somebody else and you want to fuck up her life again???

the new man will have no rights over the house so you don't need to worry about that.

I am a single parent and my x has made my life more difficult for me at various stages along the way, which in the past made me frustrated, bitter, unhappy, stressed, angry, it is not easy to raise demanding children when you feel like you have fuck all left in the tank. It is easier to do the very hard job of raising children when your x behaves decently and takes responsibility.

Zoe900 Sat 31-Aug-13 11:31:23

he started two fires where he used to live? and your wife has him living with her children? why do I find it hard to believe that you didn't mention that detail first. hmm

AlbertaCampion Sat 31-Aug-13 11:36:35

If it's any consolation, the new man's residency & income (such as it is) will likely be considered by the court when your wife's settlement is decided. Get what proof you can that he lives there though: envelopes with his name on, that sort of thing.

SmileAndPeopleSmileWithYou Sat 31-Aug-13 11:39:27

Honestly, I don't think the situation is fair.
The best thing to do is sell the house and she can move in with her boyfriend somewhere else. You can then pay maintenance for your children and the boyfriend will have to pay rent/bills to live somewhere else.

I agree with you, why should he freeload? It isn't about him paying for your children, its about him paying to live in your house.

Spaghettio Sat 31-Aug-13 11:43:11

If you only pay your partner £50 aren't you "freeloading" from her?

Pan Sat 31-Aug-13 11:49:34

I'd think overall there's not a lot you should be able to do. Your financial interests are left untouched, and you are continuing to be a good non-res dad by supporting your children in maintaining a home.

The financial status of new bf is immaterial. IF he was a millionnaire or a pauper you'd still be arguing he is 'freeloading'. Or rather looking at it another way, possibly providing day-to-day support and availability for your dcs and ex- which you decided to withdraw?

I can see why at first glance it could seem rather unfair, but 1. dcs are adults (almost) and this situation has a shelf life and 2. you aren't a victim here.
all imho

clam Sat 31-Aug-13 11:52:55

Lighten up, MN! I think the OP has a valid concern here.
What would the CSA suggest you pay? Would that help as a starting point?
Failing that, you probably need to formalise your arrangement and get going on the divorce details and settlement.

Pan Sat 31-Aug-13 11:58:38

I don't think anyone needs to lighen up tbh hmm - we have been asked to analyse a set of circs and that is what is happening.
Bt yes get on with the divorce stuff if you are unhappy about the circs. Tho' financially it may harm you as you're responsible still for the children and it could be quite tactically disadvantageous for you?

TakingThePea Sat 31-Aug-13 12:07:15

I think the OP has a valid point too....

Who owns the home? Both of you or just you?

Zoe900 Sat 31-Aug-13 12:13:11

Agree with Pan. What does lighten up mean? does it mean just shrug over the fact that he feels hard done by that the woman he left now has a McDaddy in the house? He wants the man whose good character HE questions to pay towards his own children's upbringing. This attitude is selfish and needs to be challenged. What OP feels is that the sacrifice for parenting should be borne mostly by his wife. He says that he is paying more than he has to (legally) which is different from paying HALF what it costs to raise children. He wants a pat on the back for paying while he's not legally obliged to pay. This gives you an insight in to his mind set imo. The sacrifices for parenting are for women, something that you can walk away from, negotiate downwards, pass on to a man who has no job and starts fires hmm

dogtired190 Sat 31-Aug-13 12:16:33

yes i feel i am freeloading my partner but with a time limit ie house sold, and she has been very understanding but i`ll be damned if i`m gonna pay for his ease! i would be delighted for ex to meet a sane and solvent partner, it would make life happier for all of us. my ex and i didnt discuss the scenario of boyfriend moving in so it came as a shock to me,
the ex has removed me as a named driver on `our` car so he drives it now and i cant but i pay the premiums! my daughter came home after being away to find him there, not having been told.
i feel ex is trying to keep her grip on the house (as she wants to keep the house even though she cant afford it)and is making unilateral decisions about the property, yet expects me to pay regardless.
she has demanded i hand over my keys, and has said she would let me off any maintenance if i sign the house over (equity of £270k) she doesnt want my children to meet my partner (they havnt yet in a year).
ex is a very frustrating girl but i think a little thought and dialog would have avoided any trouble, she is calculated in getting her revenge no doubt

Pan Sat 31-Aug-13 12:39:27

sorry, OP much of my sympathy for you has just ebbed away. It appears you want the control over two domestic arrangements, that being based on your sense of financial control.
and the 'girl' ref didn't help either.
hope things go to the best outcome possible.

AnyFucker Germany Sat 31-Aug-13 13:08:14

Oh dear, your new love's young dream turning into a bit of a nightmare ?

diddums

dogtired190 Sat 31-Aug-13 13:13:33

maybe you`re right, it is the lack of control that frustrates and the financial control is all i have. i have tried my hardest to keep a stable situation for them for a year, thanks to my girlfriend i could, but she is not happy for my ex to have her bills paid with another guy living free. she has recently dropped her income to £12k so money is an issue, i earn £12k
if i was single and renting a property there would be little or no money to keep a roof over their heads. forcing a sale and divorce is the way forward but that is going to be very hard on them too.
the churlish comment about wanting a pat on the back was unnecessary i DO think i deserve some credit yes, the amount of girls i talk to who get nothing from their ex`s astounds me! its quite easy to walk away, pay nothing, not see kids and still own half of property. that is something i cant bear!

clam Sat 31-Aug-13 13:45:59

I don't see anywhere where you've said you expect your ex's new boyfriend to support your children. I presume your objection is about paying (all?) the mortgage for him to live there free?
And I agree that it seems a bit much that you are paying insurance premiums on a car that is yours but that you're unable to drive, but that he is. What would the effect on your children be if you stopped paying that?

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