He prefers porn to sex with me because I am too boring

(26 Posts)
higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 09:41:12

Hello, I'm not sure if I am breaking any MN etiquette rules by posting on Dadsnet with this, but I desperately need to hear some male perspectives.

My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have young DC. Our sex life was good in the beginning though not as passionate/frequent/wild as I would have liked. I never said anything to my partner because everything else was so perfect and we were so happy. The sex was definitely wonderful enough it was just that there was never a crazy, can't get enough of each other phase at the start. It was as though we went straight to 'relationship' sex if that makes sense.

My partner is a cannabis addict and I've always known this. He finally gave up recently. He has given up for months at a time in the past on my insistence.

A few days ago I discovered a porn website on his laptop and confronted him. He eventually stopped lying about it and admitted he uses porn to masturbate 4-5 nights a week. I am floored by this. I had no idea. He is a great guy, not sleazy or weird. He has a very successful career and everyone thinks very highly of him.

Our sex life dwindled after our first DC was born. He stopped making an effort with sex, he kind of did the 'wham beam thank you ma'am' thing a couple of times. In other words, there was no foreplay and he was disconnected from me. He also stopped making an effort in any area of our relationship - thoughtless birthday presents bought at the last minute, never taking me out or on a date, there was no romance.

We went almost 2 years with no sex at all, and in the last few years it's been 3-4 times a year when I initiate it.

We talked last night and he is going to seek counselling. He says he stopped bothering with sex with me because it was boring - 2 positions and predictable. Over the years there have been many times I have cried, screamed and begged him for an explanation as to why he doesn't want sex but even then he couldn't do it, he preferred to masturbate to porn.

I need some male perspectives on the lack of sex. Obviously the porn and cannabis have contributed, but it goes deeper than that. In every area of our lives I am the driving force. If I don't do something, it does not get done. It seems he wants the same in our sex life. As a woman, and for me to feel like a woman, I need something from him in this area. I need a dinner date, some romance, for him to initiate more adventurous sex.

H said something which I am having real problems understanding. He said his ex girlfriends have always initiated new positions, oral sex, trying something new or 'dirty'. They would say to him 'lie there and let me do thing to you'. I haven't ever done that for him.

It makes me feel more sexy, more feminine, when the man initiates new things in bed. That's not to say I just want to lie there - of course I am intuit and respond and reciprocate, but I just want him to take the lead in this one area because in everything else I have to wear the trousers.

Or is it that he just has a warped sense of what good sex is? Based on porn. I feel really sad. Any perspectives on this will be much appreciated.

chunops Sat 06-Apr-13 19:44:46

I feel it would be a good idea to both go to a sex counsellor to discuss your relationship,because it certainly doesn't sound very healthy on his part and has no respect for you.

It often gets (imho incorrectly) assumed that using porn always causes a person to stop wanting sex. I suppose this is sometimes true. However, it is also sometimes the case that porn use happens because there's no sex.

lso, it is quite often the case that people use porn and have/don't have sex for entirely separate reasons that have nothing to do with each other. To put it crudely: high libido >porn use (and sex), good relationship >sex.

All this is to say that porn might not be the real issue here. What you say makes me wonder whether your relationship is functioning well. If it's not, well that might be why he doesn't want to make the effort to have sex with you. It seems possible to me that perhaps he needs to be able to lie back and enjoy a bit of sexual attention from you in order for him to reciprocate as you wish.

Rtruth Mon 22-Apr-13 14:15:43

I think there are a few area's to think about here. Having kids puts pressure on relationships lets not deny that. As a man you have no idea when you should start to reinitiate sex. Your partner may have been in this situation and his subtle hints - a lingering hug, a long kiss etc may have been seen by you as nothing, but to him a call for affection back. After this rejection numerous times, as a man you can then start getting frustrated and well what are the options? Put more pressure on a relationship by being honest but knowing nothing may happen or find a way to handle it??

Then there is fact you say you feel like a woman, but if you made such an effort and it was being ignored would you not almost jump him to say look at me?? Maybe his stressful high power job means when he gets home he wants to be dominated as a way of not having to be in charge at home too.

Then there is the type of stuff he's looking at, the issue with that is, if its something he likes and knows you wont, where do you go? If in the bedroom he started taking over and did something you weren't a fan of, do you say no after giving him the power? Does that not just put him off completely by ruining the mood?

The best way forward is to sit him down have a drink or two and talk sex! Tell him what you'd like in detail, let his mind see it, then ask him if there is anything he'd like and say this is what I wont do, but anything else is up for discussion. Maybe offer to watch what he's watching with him but only once you found out what it is and if you happy with it.

I hope that helps, I mean it could be he's stressed, he needs quick release to sleep and your not into it, so he's found way around it to suit both parties in his mind.

akabobbi Wed 24-Apr-13 14:19:38

Look, if he enjoys masturbating to porn, then why don't you deal with his erection?

Hi higherground, I think you've posted this OP elsewhere on MN - it seems very familiar.

Wanking to porn 4-5 nights/week is fairly heavy usage.

I desperately need to hear some male perspectives.

I'm not a man, but here's a male perspective I found on the relationships topic the other day. It's quite enlightening and has a lot to say about why he may be finding sex with you boring (and it doesn't reflect badly on you at all).

My perspective as a woman (which you may not want) is that he sounds like an entitled arsehole who wants everything on a plate with zero effort. The sex, when you manage to get any at all, sounds pretty boring for you too and I can't see from your post that he redeems himself in other ways. It doesn't matter what other people think of him, they don't have to live with him. How long do you want to put up with this shit?

akabobbi Have you actually bothered reading the OP? hmm

AnyFucker Wed 24-Apr-13 22:19:42

akabobbi is a wind up merchant, just FYI everybody

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 24-Apr-13 22:38:53

Porn aside, it sounds like you've fallen into a parent-child pattern after having kids. It's not especially good for your sex life. I'd see a good counsellor tbh

Rtruth Fri 26-Apr-13 12:26:40

My opinion was a male opinion as a male that's all I can give.

4 isn't too high depends on the drive and stress he's under i'd say.

I agree that wanking 4-5 times a week isn't necessarily that high, although reducing it would do no harm.

And I respectfully disagree with the comment that he sounds like an entitled arsehole. It is my observation that there is still an expectation that the man should take the lead in matters sexual and know what to do without there being an equivalent reciprocation from the woman. It isn't generally considered that the man might, after a while, find this sufficiently boring to put him off sex, just as it would in the case of a woman.

No, wanking 4-5 times a week is not that high - wanking is not the issue. Using porn 4-5 times a week is high. That means that most nights he is watching an inexhaustible supply of other women's naked bodies having all manner of things done to them and he doesn't have to make any effort at all.

The video I linked to explains very clearly what this does to a porn user's brain and sexual response.

So what? Porn use is often the symptom and not the cause.

Did you watch the video I linked to Toad?

IMHO opinion this is nothing to do with you
It isn't because you are boring and only do 2 positions for christs sake

I bet you my last pound it's to do with smoking weed

He has withdrawn. No effort on his part in any aspect of your life. No romance, no nights out, no affection ?

Why would he bother to 'woo' you when he is high when he can just fire up the laptop and whack one out with no effort required ?

It isn't so much to do with the actual sex - it's to do with the fact that he can't be bothered to do it

YNK Sun 12-May-13 13:04:04

That video was really interesting!!

I'd have said it was the weed too, except the OP says he's given it up.

PlentyOfPubeGardens

I didn't watch it, because I thought it likely to be drivel.

After your post, I watched it and found it moderately entertaining but rather missing the point. The video discusses males who grow up using porn and whose ability to perform in bed is screwed (or not as the case may be). This thread concerns a man who clearly was able to perform but has ceased to do so.

But aside from that, I didn't find it very insightful at all to be frank. It is assumed that porn use drives out sex, just as bad money drives out good. Why? Porn use and sex are different. The presenter seems to have forgotten that porn didn't begin with the Internet. He assumes that as porn is potentially addictive, everyone who uses it must be addicted. He seems to have forgotten that the average man will use fantasies purely in his mind to get himself off. The thrust of his argument is to take those men who have a genuine problem and apply their problems to porn use generally, which is silly. He bunged in some random obligatory bits of evolutionary psychology and that was more or less it.

In fact, his entire argument when deconstructed is basically one step away from saying masturbation sends you blind and gives you hairy palms. After all, if one masturbates and fantasises (as is normal) it is no different from his example with the sheep, if one fantasises about sex with different partners, as is also quite normal.

I also spotted at least one misquote - he stated that Canadian research found no young men who didn't "use" porn. Actually, the original research said "seen", which is very different. A person can see porn and be utterly grossed out by it, believe it or not.

But there's more! Frankly I get a bit bemused at those who say that internet porn is some kind of equivalent of crack cocaine. I say that because I've always found all but the very mildest porn quite icky, and in my experience men often watch it / circulate it because it is grotesque. I just don't buy this argument that there is something uniquely compelling about Internet porn that somehow takes it beyond the level of any erotica previously invented by the human race.

The better perspective is that sex in a relationship can go stale after a time, just as anything in a relationship can unless it is worked upon by both partners. This is precisely what the OP does not want to do. She wants to lie back and go along for the ride. That sort of approach would not be tolerated for a second if it came from a man, and would (ironically enough) draw accusations of porn addiction on his part.

SilkySilky Mon 27-May-13 22:17:04

4-5 times a week is high I'd say

Could be out in pub/club seeking a release, so dont be too harsh on him

open a bottle of wine this weekend and at least chat it thru calmly, and if it leads to the bedroom then a bonus and start to get back on track,

MultipleMama Sat 08-Jun-13 10:19:37

As a woman's point of view; I think sex should be equal. You want him to romance you etc but what if he wants something from you. Reading your post I don't see where you try to romance him. It's a two-way street, give and take.

My DH has watched porn. I don't really see a problem with it and I don't think it's the cause of the lack of interest in you.

I agree with what a poster said. Sit down and talk sex. Discuss it. If that doesn't work maybe try a counsulling (can't spell today haha!)?

MultipleMama Sat 08-Jun-13 10:26:04

I don't think 4-5 times is high. There's 7 days in a week, 24 hours a day and most porn videos last 45 minutes at most. Although if it was all day 4-5 times a day maybe my opion would be different. Porn is an outlet, and not to everyone's taste. So saying it's addictive is pretty silly.

Christabel3 Sat 08-Jun-13 10:32:17

Why do you want to be with him? He does sound like an entitled lazy ass. He does nothing and is compairing you to x gfs, telling you that they did more for him.

Christabel

How do you deduce from the OP that he is lazy and (self) entitled?

What a lazy, uninformed remark.

Branleuse Sun 09-Jun-13 11:59:20

hes not only sexually lazy, hes a sad case. He's the one thats been rejecting you for sex, and now hes saying hes wanking because sex with you is boring?

Wanking, even to porn, is not a big deal for me personally, i know my dp occasionally does both, but when its at the expense of and in preference to intimacy with your partner, then its a problem. A big problem.

Christabel3 Mon 10-Jun-13 09:51:26

Toadinthehole,

"in every area of our lives, I am the driving force. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done...."

So, there was that, and the cannabis, and the porn. I don't know if you have mistaken me for another poster. Your criticism of my comment makes no sense.

Christabel3 Mon 10-Jun-13 09:56:36

Also, the not so subtle "my x girlfriends did x, y & z for me....." I would not tolerate being manipulated like that.

OP, you can ask for men's opinions if you like, and they may defend him. But it doesn't matter if random men out there think that the situation is not abnormal or not that bad. YOU are the judge of whether it feels right for you. If it doesn't feel like it's a good situation then it's not.

Christabel3 Mon 10-Jun-13 12:29:48

* @Plentyof* that was interesting, I watched it. Hardly 'drivel' hmm

Interesting about it taking the younger men from the control group who'd given up porn LONGER to recover from their ED.

Those changes in the brain are scary. What it said near the end about the brains of 16 year olds begining to discard pathways not used and strenghten the ones that are used shock yikes.

I will do my best to keep my son off the internet. confused how though? I felt pity for the porn addicts there for the first time really.

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