ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Anaphrodisiacs? Any experience?(41 Posts)
Okay, first time poster, long time lurker here. So be gentle please!
Getting a bit annoyed with my libido and wanting to figure out a way to reduce it to make life a bit more comfortable. I.e. less pressure on my wife (not that I exert much I hasten to add), less sneaking off for crafty wanks (hey, if I can;t be honest here where can I?) and less jumping to unconscious judgements and having to bring myself back to reality (or maintain professionalism at least!).
Anyway, for all of these reasons I've been looking into anaphrodisiacs and wondered if anyone had any experience? Specifically with Chasteberry (Monks Pepper). But also with the more hardcore stuff like hormonal drugs.
What's the problem with the libido? and why do you want to reduce it?
Has there been a dramatic decline in "getting it on" in recent times with the wife?
Have you seen a rise is your libido compapred to normal?
What is your age? young children? etc...
I don't understand the need to reduce your libido if you've been living quite happily with it for sometime unless something has happened recently
Hi Mumofjz, I want to reduce it for the reasons I mentioned: don't want to pressure my wife unconsciously (I'm comfortable consciously controlling it, but it does get me down a bit). As well as the other reasons!
Yes, dramatic decline since TTC five years ago and 3 year old son & 18 month old daughter! Nothing out of the ordinary!
No rise, just a fall in my wife's. I'm mid thirties, so is DW.
I have been coping with it, just wondered if there was an easier way to cope!
Have you spoken with your wife? What does she think on the matter? When you do get round to it, is she enjoying it? looking forward to it? initiating it? how often is often?
I'm sorry but i don't know any cure I do know we can all be a little mis-matched at times but this shouldn't be a long standing arrangement (in my opinion)
I have two children, 10 & 7, but still, it was always in the front of my mind that the husband and i should always make sure we got time alone together... even if that meant having half day of work together, a quick fumble while they're playing/having breakfast/tea anything... you get the picture!
I've broached the subject once or twice, but she's tired (what with the kids being so young etc... entirely understanable). I believe she enjoys it, but I've started to doubt it now, "duty" sex is only another word for voluntary rape from my POV. No initiation really, I don't think she looks forward to it either. Often is probably about twice a year.
No, I've done some research too and the ideal anaphrodisiac doesn't seem to exist. Just wondered if anyone here had experienced anything from the various remedies I've seen touted.
Yes, I get the picture! Not all couples seem to work as well as you and your H, you're lucky in that respect.
Never mind, I'm sure time will sort things out.
Bromide is the traditional remedy. But it seems a bit drastic to me. A reduced libido might have an impact in other areas of your life. It doesn't seem to me like a good idea to sublimate your desires completely.
Wow how thoughtful of you! I dont have any advice, sorry. My husband would ideally like to have sex every other day. Id be perfectly happy to never see his willy again. The way we compromise is 3 days off, and sex on the fourth day.
That is of course "duty sex" but he is fine with that as its better than no sex. The way I see it is something which means a lot to him and that I do because I love him, in the same way he gives me foot massages.
Thats no help I know, but just wanted to say that you sound like a really nice bloke, waiting all that time and if your wife liked sex before (I didnt) Im sure she will again. There is a female viagra just on the market btw.
Sorry about bumping this. I didnt see the date
I think you should talk to your wife about this. Are your desires unreasonably frequent - more than several times a week? Perhaps she would be more in the mood for sex if you were to help out around the house and with the kids more. Let her have a nice soak in the bath or a night out, unload the dishwasher or do the laundry. This will make her feel better towards you as well as perhaps having more energy for sex. it will also make you feel less in the mood naturally because you will be as tired as she is!!
Zombie thread revival! I've started a thread in relationships about this so won't reply to the posts made recently.
For everyone else, I can confirm that Chasteberry doesn't work!
The hormonal treatments I've put on hold for now.
This is so sad but not uncommon. You clearly have a real love for your wife so when she now sees you completely differently now to when you courted each other, you must be devastated.
There is not a perfect answer. To some extent you have served your purpose, you have delivered the much loved children and now they are the main focus. You either have to come yo terms with that or take a devastating decision to leave. You should never stay just for the children. It will mess them up too and as a caring parent you can't do that. You can remain a brilliant parent even though you move on. It's tough but which is tougher.
The sad thing is she will probably turn on the libido to attract another partner but you need to prepare for that and be aware if the outcome. Best of luck
Thread has come back to life again then eh?!
Mugged - I have often thought about the scenario you paint, over the past few years I have thought about DW having an affair. In lots of ways I think it would improve her life, allow her to rediscover herself, recognise that she is a person, woman and sexual being. Rather than a Mum 100%.
Of course it would mean the end of us, but that could well be on the cards anyway.
From my threads in Relationships there does seem to be a "twilight zone" when children are young and marriages cease to be DH and DW, but become Mum and Dad, so I've decided to wait until youngest is at school at least (excepting the above scenario). In the meantime, it's been an interesting opportunity to explore sexuality at an academic level, with a bit of pop-psychology thrown in and the herbalist pseudo solutions mentioned earlier.
The thread revival is quite good timing too, as I've just started out on the hormonal treatment side of things, and that seems to have tempered my ardour a fair amount, not to mention my ability to perform! Slightly concerned about the side effects, but I've done a lot research on dosages etc... so I figure what's the worst that could happen?!
I would just continue to masturbate more often rather than play with drugs. Seems drastic, but I guess you wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't a drastic situation.
Thanks Dude, yeah the masturbation thing worked for a while. It just got a bit depressing to be beating one out regularly. I still do on occasion, but it's never been an adequate replacement for sex in a loving relationship for me. I could type loads of stuff about emotional connections and bonding, but it'd just be a bit self pitying.
The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that it'd be better to be able to fully empathise with DW by reducing my sex drive to one comparable to hers, hence the hoprmonal route. It is drastic, I recognise that, but I've tried counselling, CBT and self help books, websites, etc... to change my views without success. My counsellor basically said that I was pretty normal in my desires and thinking, most of the stuff on here echoes that. So at least I've had confirmation that it isn't me with the problem. Yet it isn't DW either, it's the relationship. Whether it's a permanent incompatibility, time will tell.
Having said all that I have learnt an awful lot about myself over the last few years, a lot of it quite uncomfortable to hear.
I agree about the emotional connection bit, completely. Most blokes I know beat one out regularly separate to making love to their partner, but it's no substitute.
Why do you say that separation is on the cards? Is this mainly due to the mismatched libido issue?
Yes, pretty much entirely really. We still get on well, we parent well, operate as a team. But the lack of sex life tends to permeate everything that isn't family/kid related, so it's starting to eat away at us and the logical conclusion of that is seperation.
FWIW I think we'd make excellent co-parents, I'm as sure as I can be that a separation could be amicable.
The trouble is I love her, I want her to be happy, and I want to be the one to do that. It would be so much easier if humans had switches and we could turn on and off our desires and emotions as we see fit. From a physiological point of view I suppose this is what hormones do to an extent.
Has their libido changed a lot - a loss has been linked to breastfeeding, is she just stressed?
Yes, libido has changed a lot. For the first five years we were well matched, for the past six (coinciding with the arrival of two DC) it's gone. I know the BFing is linked to libido loss, I wasn't worried about this while BFing (or pregnancy or post birth) was happening, but it is now two years since BFing ceased.
She probably is stressed, she certainly doesn't have much self or body confidence. I have asked several times if there are problems, issues anything I can do, anything I can change, if she's happy, but she's not much of a communicator and I never get anything other than perfunctory answers.
Does she show affection in the same way cuddles etc?
Maybe some time without kids away to reconnect?
Yes, she shows affection in the same way. Less than before DC unsurprisingly.
Yes, but she doesn't want to, she doesn't have a social life, despite having every opportunity to have one (I've encouraged it). Family are either disant (geographically) or not very supportive. External babysitters aren't an option, she doesn't really trust them and doesn't think DCs would settle/be happy if they woke up to an unfamiliar face etc. There's always excuses/reasons. Hence me clutching at other, less savoury reasons. I have no idea whether there is any truth to them though.
She doesn't have any other things that might have effected her libido etc, hormonal changes, illness, medication?
Its positive if there is still affection, if that had dwindled to nothing it may make you think if she does actually feel anything any more and is just keeping it together for the kids
Just spotted this thread revival
KIH I have seen a few of your posts now. Have you really started hormone medication to fuck your sex drive up ? Are these prescribed by a doctor and are you being monitored in any way or are they unlicenced and unregulated shit from t'internet ?
Why on earth would you do that ? You have free will and consciousness to work with your wife to find a middle ground that suits you both (or not). Please don't piss around with your body chemistry...once bollocksed you may find the results irreversible.
Breaking - She's had hormonal tests for other reasons. All normal. No illnesses either. The ongoing affection gives me hope, hence the coping strategies rather than leaving. If I thought the love had gone 100%, I don't think I could stay.
AF - Thanks for your concern, the treatment is just common or garden contraceptive pills, the type millions of women use everyday. I've done a fair amount if research on it, including reliable sources. But essentially yes, it could be any old unregulated shit, though I've checked serial numbers, manufacturer details etc. The dosage is no where near that used for gender realignment purposes and my intention is only short term use.
It doesn't seem to be working anyway, but I'll keep using it just for experimental and experience purposes. I've tried everything else I can think of!
KIH, I think you should stop messing about with body chemistry. I mean that kindly. Men should not be taking female sex hormones unless under very controlled conditions and for very specific reasons. Just trying to keep your dick a bit soft is a really stupid thing to do.
Can't disagree with anything you say AF. I know you're probably right.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.