Shared-parenting.

(99 Posts)
Balderdashandpiffle Tue 04-Sep-12 00:04:21

I do shared-parenting. It works, the kids love it.

On here people say they're keen for it. In real-life I've not met a single mother ever who would do it.

It's not going to become the norm is it?

MirandaWest Sat 29-Sep-12 08:32:44

Is shared care 50% each? XH and I share the care of our DC although I probably have them more than he does. Given that I live in the village where they go to school and my work generally allows me to pick them up from school, it makes more sense that I generally do than rather than them go to after school childcare. It also seems more sensible for them to sleep here more days of the week with a 2 minute walk to school than a 20 minute drive to school when they are at XHs house.

We are both pretty flexible in terms of when the children are where - generally XH has them every other weekend and one night in the week but the weekends are three nights long (he has them Friday Saturday Sunday nights) and when things come up on either side we adjust things so that hopefully everyone is content. Children seem generally happy.

On the maintenance side we work out according to CSA how much it is and alter it each month depending on how much XH has had the DC. When I am away working it is more. I also pay for childcare then too (my only real bone of contention) but you can't have everything.

crackcrackcrak Sat 29-Sep-12 08:46:58

Colditz - that is my anecdotal experience too - aside from my own exp. I know of a father who does some Disney dad stuff with his dd but will not under any circs commit to routine care of her - god forbid it cramps his independence. The mother of that child has the patience of a saint and thinks any time he spends with her is a bonus. His mother otoh will drop anything to help with that kid and is everything a nrp should be.
Another father I know is completely spoiled and indulged by his mother - who naturally looks after his ds all the time. In fact his whole family muck in and he swans around like a teenager. Pathetic

My v close friend gave up arguing with his baby mother and moved abroad. Constructive.

I have another make friend ive known about 8 years. I only fund out recently he even has a daughter sad

colditz Sat 29-Sep-12 08:53:06

It is my private opinion that for the majority of fathers, they will only want shared care if the only other option is residency

exoticfruits Sat 29-Sep-12 08:55:50

I think they are quite happy to have it if they have married again.

Balderdashandpiffle Sat 29-Sep-12 18:05:06

I don't think you can use Mumsnet as an example of relationships as its about 99% women.

If you want to hear more stories from Fathers, the Wikivorce forums show a more balanced side.

crackcrackcrak Sat 29-Sep-12 21:13:55

Balder - yes precisely. Forums arnt representative anyway - we only come on here if we need help - there ate probably more successful shared parenting set ups than it looks like

Peterpan101 Fri 02-Nov-12 22:04:36

Just playing catch up on this very interesting thread:
Fortyshades, I brought up the subject of ‘Implacable Hostility’ to my solicitor very early in my dealings with my ex. He told me at the time it was very early to tell. After our last court hearing he told me being nice and cooperative would no longer work with her as in his own words: “she’s f***ing mad”.
She keeps her legal actions from her family and friends (as they know me well). She is as obstructive as possible with regard to legal dealings: withdrawing contact, portraying me as a violent drunk and drug user, etc, etc. I am told the next resort in the IH tool bag is for her to move house and not tell me where, so am braced for that to!
Portofino, my solicitor has said that because of my ex’s IH that when we attend court for our full hearing that ‘week on, week off’ will become more likely. ‘Karma’ me thinks, as having my daughter for that much time will be a boon!
Queenrollo, Nice one.....I have stated to my ex that: ‘me & her’ was over and it was all about the little one. Don’t think she sees through the same eyes as you!
As for care, I used to do the majority of child care and house work (my work allowed it). As soon as we split I was told it would be best not to see our dd until things had ‘calmed down’.....from majority carer to no contact. Some men do like caring for their children, and some women like to use their kids as weapons.
As you can imagine I came out fighting for contact....all my possessions, time and savings are available.
If any know of any helpful tips on how to deal with an IH ex I would appreciate?

Balderdashandpiffle Sat 03-Nov-12 08:12:02

Tips for dealing with an IH ex:

Stick with it, time passes, eventually your child will get older and become more independent and make their own choices.

Don't engage with your ex or try to work out why she does stuff.

This has happened to my brother and cousin, I can only assume its some sort of not quite right maternal instinct. I think it's protective but also very, very negative.

They're both seeing their children again, but have lost years of contact they can't get back.

They would have both given the world to have had shared-care.

Peterpan101 Sun 04-Nov-12 18:40:03

Completely agree. Very negative.

I keep having to remind myself to be the better person. I do question my own actions a lot as she is telling the world that I am the one unable to co-parent (without even giving me a chance and so forcing me through the courts). I quite often find myself asking: "is it me"?

I have contact now, and the start of a good routine. I guess I should be content for the time being with that.

I do have a little pipe dream that when dd reaches 13 she will ask to live with me.

Cheers for the words.

Fortyshadesofgreen Tue 06-Nov-12 13:20:07

Its alive again !

I know what you mean Peter. There is no point in being reasonable and co-operative. Best just to keep everything neutral and turn the other cheek (most of the time !). I am now over 5 years down the line and her attitude hasn't changed at all. I don't think it ever will. I have changed how I deal with her and my sons are getting older.

Your pipe dream is a nice one but please don't pin your hopes on it Balder ! My eldest is 14, but I know there is no way he will come and ask to live with me and my wife - he may in a couple of years, but who knows. My youngest is a different kettle of fish, he has already said when he is 16 he is coming to live with me and my wife. God knows where he got the age of 16 from... he was saying that when he was 7 years old. The eldest endured too much of the emotional blackmail and the venom for the first couple of years after seperation. He does shows it by coming over at pretty much every opportunity to watch sport with me on the TV or coming over to do his home work, outside of our normal overnight contact (12 nights out of 28). He says he needs help, comes over does a couple of hours (or in some cases the full day at weekends) and then I take him back to his Mum's house. Even comes over for help in the subject his mum took a degree in and I didn't even take an 'O' level in - might have outted my age then ! ;-)

Great advice from Balder. Its hard but I keep my eye on what won't hurt my sons - no point in getting drawn into rows with the ex. She is all about control and 'winning' regardless of the consequences. Its also about knowing which battles to fight, unfortunately that too comes with experience won the hard way.

Peterpan101 Tue 06-Nov-12 15:49:12

'Picking your battles' will probably come to symbolize this year! It is sad that the person hurt the most by my ex's actions has been my ex! My daughter seems pretty much untouched by whats gone on (from the feed back from nursery, etc) and I understood the effects my leaving would have on myself.

I really have no animosity for the ex, and it does bewilder me the lengths she has gone to to try and hold onto a measure of control over me.

The good thing is my daughter is fine, and that is what I need to focus on.

P.S. I am an O leveler as well......probably explains your ability to coach you boy in your ex's degree subject!! he he

Fortyshadesofgreen Tue 13-Nov-12 13:10:32

And everyday you need to make sure you pick the right battles ! Its not bloody easy though is it PP....

I suppose I thought for a while like that, that the only person getting hurt by carrying their big bag of hate around was my ex. I now know however that the kids see it and are affected by it. Thats probably the biggest fear I have now, my ex can talk to me and treat me like she wants to. My sons however know she does it and her friends and family pitch in too for good measure. Seeing my eldest (12 at the time) in tears and telling me that ex / her family have said nasty things about me to him... thats tough.... and thats just a small portion of what has been going on.... oh and that was over 3 years after seperation.

Glad your daughter is good PP ! You can't ask for more than that smile

I do tell my lads that an even an old money 'A' level in General Studies is like a degree now wink

SilkySilky Sun 25-Nov-12 21:34:54

NRP means what? I checked http://www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms
and even google threw up no answers, bar Norwich Research Park

explains please

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 25-Nov-12 22:22:48

Non Resident Parent

SilkySilky Tue 01-Jan-13 22:09:45

Shared parenting is becoming the norm it seems. I know more folk who have split. Seems the 'odd one outs' are those still married! ;-)

Have a child together, you parent a child together - good line posted further above.

How are the finances worked out with shared parenting though?
I fear thousands wasted on solicitor fees?

Xenia Thu 03-Jan-13 15:38:50

Lots of people share children. I would be happy with 50/50.
As for the finances situation it depends on your position. I earn 10x what their father earns so our court order says I pay school and university fees no matter with whom they l live and stuff like that.

We could certainly change the law to make 50/50 the norm particularly where both parents work full time unless the parents agree otherwise or the court orders otherwise.

meitisi Wed 09-Jan-13 19:01:26

Hi
Just joined so not sure if posting this here is right? I have 50/50 shared care of our kids for the last 2 years and generally this works. However, as we do this on a weekly change of care, when it comes to holidays it can be problematic. I would like to treat holidays differently so that the children can share christmas each alternative year, also so summer holidays can be treated differently from usual weekly change, does anyone have similar 50/50 care and what happens with holidays?

AllDirections Wed 09-Jan-13 19:16:43

I have several friends who do 50/50 with their exs. I can only dream.... hmm

nongenderbias9 Tue 15-Jan-13 11:22:36

Did you see the programme on share parenting last night. CH4 Tim Lovejoy talks about a possible change in the law that will make it easier for children to maintain a life with both parents. Oh shit, does this mean I will have to go out and work, can't rely on those payments anymore.

Peterpan101 Tue 15-Jan-13 17:34:40

I did see....a very big subject to be dealt with in only 30 mins. He only skimmed over it.

I don't think the new legislation will change a great deal. I hope it will make solicitors think a bit more before allowing their clients to try and play 'hard ball' and waste the legacy to their children?! Solicitors are always mindful to keep on the good side of the judges (their loyalty is to the court first, then their client after all) so maybe it will speed up the process and allow the children the access they need?!

Balderdashandpiffle Sat 19-Jan-13 17:33:11

I've read reports positive about shared-parenting and reports positive about one house and contact for the other parent. Let's face it usually the father.

I was slightly concerned reading a post by a solicitor glibly stating that evidence said that shared parenting was poor for the children. I'm glad he wasn't my solicitor. I think what evidence shows is that shared-parenting doesn't work well in acrimonious cases that go to court.

What I think is:

Cooperative parents, it doesn't matter about living arrangements, the children will benefit.

Warring parents, it doesn't matter what the living arrangements, the children will not benefit.

So I suppose stating the obvious.

californiababe Mon 21-Jan-13 20:04:29

Talk of 50/50 is misleading in terms of the preposed law, and in terms of what actually happens on a day to day basis out there before couples split. How many men take on the role of primary carer? Of all the parents I know, I don't know of any where things are shared fairly. Yet when they split many men talk of getting a fair % of their children. Children are not possessions to be shared out. Most couples are at war when they split. I remain to be convinced that men can care for children the way women do. Women have historically put their children before themselves, something which I have yet to see any man do.

Balderdashandpiffle Mon 21-Jan-13 20:22:56

'Women have historically put their children before themselves, something which I have yet to see any man do.'

You're mixing with the wrong men.

I agree that men tend to take on the bread winner role and the woman the main carer role, but this is changing.

And I strongly advise any man not to become the major bread winner as it's not recognised as a contribution in court (and most men I know think it would) so don't have children with someone who wants to be a Sahp unless you want to see a lot less of your children after separation.

Balderdashandpiffle Mon 21-Jan-13 20:26:41

And just to add:

''Women have historically put their children before themselves, something which I have yet to see any man do.'

I don't know a father who doesn't put his children before themselves.
What a bizarre comment.

Snorbs Tue 22-Jan-13 08:49:00

californiababe you obviously don't know many decent fathers then.You obviously also have no awareness that around one in ten single parents are fathers. Still, let's not allow facts to get in the way of prejudice, eh? And if you came up to me and told me that you thought that my children would be better cared for by their mother than by me then I'd a) laugh in your face followed by b) telling you to fuck off.

Frankly, I'm unconvinced by the "the fathers didn't do the majority of care prior to the split therefore they should be viewed as disposable parents after" thing. Even in situations where the father WOH and the mother is the SAHP, the children will still be seeing their dad every day albeit after work. For a child to go from seeing their father every day to quite possibly only seeing them every other week does not seem in the child's best interests at all.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now