Step parenthood

[Danbhardy]

I wonder if someone could help........

I apologise if this all comes along a bit mis matched and in the wrong order, but i have had a few drinks, for myself, but also to try and chill myself out as i am struggling. Dont get me wrong, i am not a drinker, but i have been pushed so far by my girlfriends daughter that i needed to just go out and be out, and not at home pushing things through me head!

To put it simply, my girlfriends daughter is making our lives hell. She is extremely controlling. At 8 years old she sleeps in her mums bed. She refuses to try any changes and kicks off at any opportunity she can.

Now when i say controlling, i mean it! Her mum is not allowed in any shape or form to do what she wants. If i am there unanounced when she gets home from school, she is really crappy and openly asks her mum what the hell am i doing there :(

My girlfriend has 4 kids in total, the eldest isnt thrilled about us being together, but being 25 she just puts up and gets on with it. The next eldest is 19 and he is autistic. He has never accepted anyone in his life apart from his mum, except me. He didnt like his step dad (due to his autism cos his step dad wasnt an arse), but within 1 day out with me being there, decided he wanted to call me dad. Then there is the 10 year old. She is very close to her real dad, but still enjoys my company, isnt bitchy, comes and cuddles me whenever i arrive and makes me feel very welcome. Then last but not least is the 8 year old. She is a real problem. It isnt just me who notices it. Her mum is exceptionally passive towards her children. She instills discpline as a last resort and prefers to talk to her children which is fantastic. But in my view they havent learnt boundaries. Simple things like the 8 year old sleeping in her bed. It makes it difficult for me and her to hold down a proper relationship, as i cant do the normal things a couple should do (we are nearly a year together so its not a new thing).

I just dont know what to do. I want to move on with this lovely beautiful woman who after a number of very bad failed marriages is the one woman i feel i have properly fallen in love with. But this 1 child is making it very difficult :(

[laptopwieldingharpy]

Dan,
Have no experience whatsoever but just wanted to say you sound like a very caring person to be around and hope things settle with a bit if time.
Also, you know there is a step parenting section where you might get more traffic?
all the best

[Romilly70]

Not sure what your Girlfriend's back story is, but her DD is probably very clingy towards her mum for good reason, although it may not appear to be reasonable to you. She is still a young child. Perhaps she doesn't get enough time with her mother during the day, what with 3 other children at home, one of which being autistic and not sure if her Mum works as well.

I don't think a year is a long time and it sounds like you don't live with them at the moment.
Step-parenting is very very hard and your GF's DCs are part of the package. Perhaps the 8yo needs some counselling so she has a safe space to explore her issues, but that's for her needs, not yours. Once the child is in a better place, emotionally, then your relationship could then improve

[Wigglewoo]

Can I suggest something completely different? The girl's probably feeling worried you're going to take her mum away and that she won't have as much attention. How about showing herr that with you there she can get even more? - from you. What about taking her out on her own you and her to the cinema or something similar (and then pizza to talk). Sure it will be awkward and horrid but you're showing her you don't just want her mum, you want to be part of the family and the family isn't getting dumped for you, its changing. That's the route I would take.

[Danbhardy]

Thanks for the replies guys! Am a little more sober now! lol

I should elaborate a bit more, the 8 year old gets ALL her mums time, in fact, she demands it and if she doesnt get her own way she has a massive temper. The 19 year old and 25 year old dont live at home, and the 10 year old generally spends all her time in her room, as she cant get near her mum due to the youngest child.

Its not just me she is this way towards, its everyone :(

The main problem is that her mum wont listen. She see's the problem and she hates it, as we are head over heels, but she is burying her head in the sand as she doesnt want to upset the girl, which is completely understandable.

[Danbhardy]

Wigglewoo, she is absolutely fine 1 on 1, its when she has to share her mother with anyone, including her own siblings.

[flatpackhamster]

I'm sure that the other children (particularly the 10-year old) will resent the 8-year old. The mother needs to deal with this. Sleeping in her mum's bed at 8?