Dealing with a hormonal nutter.(85 Posts)
I?m at my wits end here ? SWMBO is 8 weeks in, and it?s like someone has flicked the ?insane bitch switch? to the on position.
I reckon I?m fairly useful about the house, but recently anything I do is not up to scratch and anything I don?t do is a sign of my utter selfishness and lack of respect for her.
SWMBO ? Why is there a screwdriver sitting on the cooker?
Me ? I?m replacing the filter in the air vent.
SWMBO ? Why is it still there?
Me ? Cuz I need pliers to remove the hood of the fan
SWMBO ? This is just typical of you, leaving everything at your arse and expecting me to clean up after you
Me ? Eh? I?m not finished yet, I just came out to get the pliers.
SWMBO ? great, more of your crap to clean up ? I?m not your slave you know, this shows how little you care.
Me ? Honey, I?ll clean up when I?m done, it?ll take 5 mins, really.
SWMBO ? That?s you all over isn?t it, Jesus, you have no idea how lucky you are, no other woman would tolerate your shit. ?..cue tears and sobbing.
Me ? (soothingly hugging and stroking head) it?s okay darling, I?m sorry (whilst wondering what I?m sorry for) Look, I?ll get you a cup of tea and move the screwdriver.
SWMBO ? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A F?ING SCREWDRIVER- I WISH YOU?D LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!
There are ten to twelve episodes similar to this every day.
As far as I?ve been able to determine he best way to handle it as follows
Never, never say ?you?re being irrational?
Each individual episode is amusing in retrospect ? but the cumulative affect is making home life very difficult.
When I try to diffuse the situation it makes it worse,
when I walk away it makes it worse,
when I make light of it, it makes it worse
when I point out it?s just hormones, it makes it worse
when I try to get to the root cause of the problem ( there doesn't seem to be one ), it makes it worse
I really don?t mind being a punching bag for a few months ? I just don?t want her getting stressed about absolutely nothing.
I really need some feedback from the experienced pov here.
I?m looking forward to Monday, at least in work when people start screaming and swearing I understand why.
Must say my first foray into Mumsnet has impressed me.
Safe place to vent, sensible advice, a few laughs but best of all the (obvious in hindsight) realisation that there is nothing new under the sun.
Many thanks for the perspective from the other side.
Most of the people here have got it nailed. It's a passing storm - so batten down the hatches and ride it out. My DW who is normally calm and rational almost broke her knuckles and toes and couple of times getting angry over small stuff during her second pregnancy. Even she was shocked - she got the whole dark moods and "I hate everything" phase as well.
Try to anticipate the stuff that needs to be done around the house and do it without being asked and don't forget to ask if there's anything you can do to help her (even if the response is invariably a terse one - it does not mean you should stop asking). Occasional back massages do help too.
"Suck it up" is a stupid way to describe it - you just need to be tolerant of a temporary change in the way she relates to you. For my DW, the moods vanished and it was business as usual in the second trimester (c. 3 months in). Vale et macte animo!
I would imagine she is scared you will be messy, inconsiderate and all sorts of things. The approach to birth is utterly terrifying for some. Kicking off 10 times a day is NOT ok. Having said that, I did it, DH and I split after our DC and have taken a long, rocky path back to semi-normality. Having DC will spotlight ANY and ALL personal and relationship issues you have. My advice do some talking, maybe have some counselling now, before the birth of your precious first child.
I am 18 weeks pregnant and I've got 3 other children. I've been exhausted, sick, hormonal, fed up etc but I would never act like the lady described in the op. Mainly because I am a grown up and have to control my emotions and mood swings, also because I have respect for those around me. If someone was treating me this way, regardless of the circumstances why, I wouldn't put up with it - I shouldn't have to be someone's emotional punchbag and wouldn't treat anyone else as if they were mine.
Perhaps she's pissed off because she's realised she's tied for life to the sort of asshole who calls women bitches.
that was the possibility that sprang to my mind, anyway.
Well Mammy we all have our issues, no one's perfect. I may have had anger issues but I'm not judgmental, swings and roundabouts.
my sis is a pain in the arse atm so i feel your pain but...
hate to say it as it will probably make me un popular but just man up and put up with it.
its one of the many consequences of having a pregnant partner. they cant really help it and they nearly all do it.
meet up with your mates and have a good moan, then go home with a smile. dont take it personally. itll last 9 months (maybe longer with baby blues) but when your kid is a teenager you'll have this for years. think of it as practice
good luck (beer helps)
I wouldn't necessarily say "leave her" but I would definitely lay down some boundaries and stick to them. For me that would involve not being called abusive names that I don't deserve, not taking responsibility for completely irrational aggression on her part, not being drawn into irrational incriminating arguments etc.
It's all very well to acknowledge that she's going through a hormonally extreme process. The problem is that inability to acknowledge the rights of the other partner is precisely what often happens as a result of such a process (something that some people are likely to fall into more easily than others). It's exactly for this reason that you have to be firm about your own rights. In ordinariy circumstances, with most people, you could take certain things like I mentioned above for granted - we just rely on other people acknowledging that we are individuals and not punching bags. In a situation like this - and with your DW, who frankly sounds like she has borderline personality disorder - you can't.
If you let her treat you like that and don't bite back, as some are suggesting, it will just get worse. For her there is no boundary, so she'll just keep going further. If you decide upon boundaries and stand up for them, she might just get the message.
Ultimately, her aggression belongs to her, and that has to be the starting point for dealing with it. If you allow it to start belonging to you, you'll end up regretting it. You won't be able to disentangle yourself from it, and it won't help the relationship anyway.
I had awful pregnancies and was a total nightmare. I remember feeling so jealous that my dh got to go to work and get away from me, jealous that he got to get back to normal for a while and I was miserable 24/7.
As others had said it might get better in a few weeks, first 12 are normally the worst.
I don't think there is a lot you can do about her obvious raging hormones. I would just try and do lots of nice, mini things for her if you can. I hate it when a pregnant woman makes it all about her. I went out of my way to include my husband and make him feel special when we were having a baby. He was stressed out to. Men get stressed about their wives, money issues, the future, they just don't show it.
Good luck OP, hope she starts to feel better, valued, less stressed soon.
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