Dealing with a hormonal nutter.

(85 Posts)
sicclick Sun 26-Aug-12 16:08:40

I?m at my wits end here ? SWMBO is 8 weeks in, and it?s like someone has flicked the ?insane bitch switch? to the on position.

I reckon I?m fairly useful about the house, but recently anything I do is not up to scratch and anything I don?t do is a sign of my utter selfishness and lack of respect for her.

SWMBO ? Why is there a screwdriver sitting on the cooker?
Me ? I?m replacing the filter in the air vent.
SWMBO ? Why is it still there?
Me ? Cuz I need pliers to remove the hood of the fan
SWMBO ? This is just typical of you, leaving everything at your arse and expecting me to clean up after you
Me ? Eh? I?m not finished yet, I just came out to get the pliers.
SWMBO ? great, more of your crap to clean up ? I?m not your slave you know, this shows how little you care.
Me ? Honey, I?ll clean up when I?m done, it?ll take 5 mins, really.
SWMBO ? That?s you all over isn?t it, Jesus, you have no idea how lucky you are, no other woman would tolerate your shit. ?..cue tears and sobbing.
Me ? (soothingly hugging and stroking head) it?s okay darling, I?m sorry (whilst wondering what I?m sorry for) Look, I?ll get you a cup of tea and move the screwdriver.
SWMBO ? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A F?ING SCREWDRIVER- I WISH YOU?D LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!
Me- Erm?..????

There are ten to twelve episodes similar to this every day.
As far as I?ve been able to determine he best way to handle it as follows

Never, never say ?you?re being irrational?

Each individual episode is amusing in retrospect ? but the cumulative affect is making home life very difficult.
When I try to diffuse the situation it makes it worse,
when I walk away it makes it worse,
when I make light of it, it makes it worse
when I point out it?s just hormones, it makes it worse
when I try to get to the root cause of the problem ( there doesn't seem to be one ), it makes it worse
I really don?t mind being a punching bag for a few months ? I just don?t want her getting stressed about absolutely nothing.

I really need some feedback from the experienced pov here.

I?m looking forward to Monday, at least in work when people start screaming and swearing I understand why.

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 18:30:33

It is the first thing of many things that will make you realise that it's not about you any more. You will have to subvert what you want for the good of your family.

Oh. My. God.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 18:31:43

Im a male pictish, but my dw was pretty awful and yes we have looked back(her in total embarrassment and squirming) and laughed about

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 18:32:21

10-12 times a day though? Really?

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 18:35:38

It sort of overlaped so you couldnt pick single incidents, she was bloody awful, i could do no right.

tethersend Sun 26-Aug-12 18:36:42

10-12 times was a good day for me.

I was vile.

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 26-Aug-12 18:40:09

She could have pre natal depression?

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 18:41:35

This is the most sexist thread I think I've ever read on here. I'm going to leave it there, because I don't much feel like arguing the toss on my own.
I am of the honest opinion that her behaviour is pretty piss poor and I think it's crap that you all expect the OP to tolerate it/let it wash over him/suck it up.

I would find her extremely difficult to live with, and OP you have my sympathy.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 18:50:44

Well that told you lot!!!!

Trickle Sun 26-Aug-12 18:52:34

Ooo DH (who has never had to do this with me for the record <smug face emoticon> ) says if the cue trigger doesn't work as a last resort record her and play it back when she is calmer and more rational to try to get her to understand. He says there is one downside, could cause one of two things to happen (which is why it is a last resort). She could feel really horrible about herself, or it could create a bigger arguement - he says you'll probably know which will happen. If you are unsure, don't do it.

When DH was depressed we had a similar problem, I don't see it any differently, I shouldn't have to put up with it and neither should he regardless of the cause or gender or the person involved. It's just what happens in relationships, you may need GP help but often you have to find a solution at home too in the way you deal with things when they happen.

24Hours Sun 26-Aug-12 18:55:28

Can't really be gender blind when it comes to pregnancy. The one with the womb does the heavy lifting, the other onehelps and supports. And cuts some slack seeing as that's all they have to do at that stage.
if op's wife is usually a very nice woman its a bit much to slate her for something that's largely a Bio issue rather than an evil Nutter bitch one. Not totally but largely

David is that you? grin

sicclick Sun 26-Aug-12 20:18:10

Pictish,

I take your points and if SWMBO (no appologies) was normally like this, or even like this in times of stress, I'd be inclined to agree.

Through the death of a parent, her degree, first year as a social worker, our wedding and that time I stuffed up a connection and stranded her in Aukland she was grace and stability personified. I suppose that's why her recent behaviour has caught me on the hop. It's like I've been living with a different person.

I'll have a sensible word, and "suck it up"

ToothbrushThief Mon 27-Aug-12 08:49:13

You sound like a nice bloke (despite the insane bitch comment wink )

Hope you can sit down with her and have a non confrontational 'we need to talk about this.... what is really the problem... I don't deserve this treatment... ' type conversation

Hairtodayandgonetomorrow Mon 27-Aug-12 09:01:26

I was a bit shocked by some of the responses until I saw Pictish's posts and thought at least one person has sense! Suck it up and just be glad that you aren't pregnant aren't really very helpful to someone that is being yelled at 10 times a day! Pregnant or not its not fair, and although temporary and understandable the OP and his wife need to work together to solve it.

I agree with whoever said to discuss it when she is feeling calm to find out if there is an underlying issue and I like the neutral sentence idea.

kellestar Mon 27-Aug-12 09:45:57

OP, congratulations!

I have just talked to my DH about this. As last PG I was up and down, Jekyll and Hyde. It'd taken 2 yrs to get PG and the emotional worry/excitement was all over the place. In fact DH could have written this thread. He spoke to me when I'd calmed down and I was so ashamed by my behaviour, before this it took a hell of a lot to make me blow, DH had never been on the receiving end at all in our 12 year relationship, until I was PG.

I was still emotional/weepy throughout the rest of my PG but didn't take out my frustration on DH again. I wrote a lot of it down, I talked to my MW and GP who were suitably sympathetic. DH was and still is a star.

I didn't get to see my MW for a booking in appt until I was 10 weeks. This was about 3 weeks after I first had that go at DH. It was the first time I talked to a professional about my long awaited PG and that my feelings while these emotions are normal, some may be stronger than others. To talk if something feels a bit overwhelming. After that first appt I had monthly check ups and had a chance to chat to a MW.

I also joined the NCT group locally who had a peer supported antenatal group. Basically a bunch of newly PG, some peer supporters who had babies/ toddlers to reassure and answer questions. It helped me vastly.

I am currently 9 weeks PG with DC2 and nowhere near as hormonal as last time. But I am more exhausted and the nausea is constant.

Every PG is different for everyone.

Encourage DW to seek support, check the NCT website for classes/ groups and ask if you can go. The group I was at welcomed dad's to join inthe chat on certain nights, and they also had dad only nights too.

And mumsnet/dadsnet has supported us both.

OP I was utterly crazy for the first 12 weeks of my first pg, my dh was starting to worry about what he had got himself into. Stay strong! After the first trimester the hormones (for me anyway) calmed down a lot and we had a great time together. Could you plan a holiday for around 20 weeks or ask her if she would like to? It really helped us.

I'm sure Pictish and the like were perfect wives/girlfriends whilst pregnant (or they have forgotten how difficult it is particularly with your first) but I know no one in rl who found it easy. In fact I couldn't stand the sight or smell of dh in the first trimester, I would rather have been on my own but after the hormones calmed it was like that switch went back again and I couldn't believe I had ever felt badly towards him. It is hormones and nothing else. Plenty of chocolate, cups of tea, understanding hugs, asking how she is feeling, reading a baby book or two!!!! and talking about what is going on inside her will really help you right now.

Fwiw I'm pg with number 2 and my first trimester was a bit better as we both knew what to expect. Good luck, you sound lovely and supportive and she will absolutely realise this eventually.

sittinginthesun Mon 27-Aug-12 11:40:35

I should really stay away from this thread...if you were lucky enough to have a relatively calm first trimester, then that's great. But many of us literally felt completely overwhelmed by hormones, loss of control, etc. I'm not a mad hormonal woman, I'm usually quite laid back, but when I was pregnant with my first, there were days when I felt as though I had the worse PMS in the world. Second time, the first pregnancy symptom I had was overwhelming PMS.

All we are suggesting to the OP is that he takes it into account, and maybe sympathises a bit.

If my DH is having a stressful time at work, he is far more snappy and short tempered than usual. He knows that, I know that. I just give him a bit of space until he's through it. That's what supporting each other is about.

zippey Mon 27-Aug-12 12:02:00

What she is doing is tantamount to abuse. She is bringing your whole spirit down and making you miserable. If I were you I would be looking for an exit out of this relationship. Be resoponsible to your child but get out of this abusive situation.

Hairtodayandgonetomorrow Mon 27-Aug-12 18:01:08

Zippey, that is really harsh!! It is temporary because she is pregnant! I agree that it is abusive behaviour, but there are biological reasons. The OP shouldn't have to put up with it, but the solution lies in both partners recognising what is happening and putting in place mechanisms to limit it!

whatinthewhatnow Mon 27-Aug-12 18:14:03

I was fucking mental while I was pregnant. Really moody and insane. It was like having terrible PMT all the time, for 10 months. Then I had the bloody baby and my nipples were hanging off and I didn't ever get a full night's sleep, so I was still really moody, although also still happy, weirdly.Then after 15 months I suddenly got my mojo back for, like, 2 days and then I was pregnant again and it all started again with being fucking mental. I have just stopped breastfeeding and have only just properly got my libido back. It's been MIA for 4 and a half years. My poor, poor husband. He really didn't know what the hell was going on. Just a warning.

Like you seem to, he loved and still loves his wife, and put up with most of it, although not all of it, and although we look back and think 'jesus christ', it's all worth it, I promise. Our kids are properly amazing, and we're a much better couple for it.

dranksinatra Tue 28-Aug-12 14:50:18

Leave the bitch pt 2
Don't put up with abuse.

dranksinatra Tue 28-Aug-12 14:51:00

What zippey said..

madas Tue 28-Aug-12 15:56:25

Trolls are out me thinks smile

BandersnatchCummerbund Tue 28-Aug-12 16:11:05

Poor you, and poor her. Sounds rough. And yes, you sound like a nice guy.

Sensible, pragmatic word about how you'd like to support her but can't get it right, maybe, at some point when she's feeling OK and might be able to laugh about it?

And make the time to get out of the house and see friends to stay sane, especially if you start getting claustrophobic. Both of you.

clearly being shouty, sweary and unreasonable is not the sole preserve of the pregnant.

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