Dealing with a hormonal nutter.

(85 Posts)
sicclick Sun 26-Aug-12 16:08:40

I?m at my wits end here ? SWMBO is 8 weeks in, and it?s like someone has flicked the ?insane bitch switch? to the on position.

I reckon I?m fairly useful about the house, but recently anything I do is not up to scratch and anything I don?t do is a sign of my utter selfishness and lack of respect for her.

SWMBO ? Why is there a screwdriver sitting on the cooker?
Me ? I?m replacing the filter in the air vent.
SWMBO ? Why is it still there?
Me ? Cuz I need pliers to remove the hood of the fan
SWMBO ? This is just typical of you, leaving everything at your arse and expecting me to clean up after you
Me ? Eh? I?m not finished yet, I just came out to get the pliers.
SWMBO ? great, more of your crap to clean up ? I?m not your slave you know, this shows how little you care.
Me ? Honey, I?ll clean up when I?m done, it?ll take 5 mins, really.
SWMBO ? That?s you all over isn?t it, Jesus, you have no idea how lucky you are, no other woman would tolerate your shit. ?..cue tears and sobbing.
Me ? (soothingly hugging and stroking head) it?s okay darling, I?m sorry (whilst wondering what I?m sorry for) Look, I?ll get you a cup of tea and move the screwdriver.
SWMBO ? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A F?ING SCREWDRIVER- I WISH YOU?D LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!
Me- Erm?..????

There are ten to twelve episodes similar to this every day.
As far as I?ve been able to determine he best way to handle it as follows

Never, never say ?you?re being irrational?

Each individual episode is amusing in retrospect ? but the cumulative affect is making home life very difficult.
When I try to diffuse the situation it makes it worse,
when I walk away it makes it worse,
when I make light of it, it makes it worse
when I point out it?s just hormones, it makes it worse
when I try to get to the root cause of the problem ( there doesn't seem to be one ), it makes it worse
I really don?t mind being a punching bag for a few months ? I just don?t want her getting stressed about absolutely nothing.

I really need some feedback from the experienced pov here.

I?m looking forward to Monday, at least in work when people start screaming and swearing I understand why.

ginmakesitallok Sun 26-Aug-12 16:11:19

SWMBO?

ToothbrushThief Sun 26-Aug-12 16:13:20

Maybe she finds you disrespectful and rude but cannot get you to see that?
insane bitch
hormonal nutter
hmm

Sounds like you both need to sit down and get to what the actual problem is?

ToothbrushThief Sun 26-Aug-12 16:14:10

She who must be obeyed

sicclick Sun 26-Aug-12 16:14:14

Sorry - it's an acronym.
She Who Must Be Obeyed

gin I was wondering the same thing.

When you say 8 weeks in, do you mean 8 weeks pregnant?

Frankly I'm baffled!

sicclick Sun 26-Aug-12 16:19:55

Not being too eloquent here am I?

My wife is 8-9 weeks pregnant. We've been trying for 3 years and what I'd thought would be a joyous occasion seem more akin to trench warfare.

I don’t know why.

Probably because all sorts of changes are happening to your wife, she's probably scared to death either of something happening to the baby or actually having a child, it's a daunting time. Being pregnant can make you incredibly selfish (as I have been) because there is no way your husband/partner can understand how you're feeling, half the time you don't understand it yourself.

I'm not saying she's right to act this way, but it is a difficult time. All I can say is it won't last forever.

Can you try & talk to her when she's more receptive to communication, not when she's in a hormonal whirlpool?

SittingBull Sun 26-Aug-12 16:31:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trickle Sun 26-Aug-12 16:52:17

Actually I'm 38 weeks tomorrow (full term is 40 if you didn't know) and I'm not at all insulted by hormonal nutter (leaving aside the MH implications), I would be by insane bitch, just a tip.

I've not been too badly affected earlier on but right now most things are getting on my nerves and I've been quite quick to temper. I think this is helped by a VERY understanding partner and my understanding that it is not him it is me. Not everyone is as self aware (and I am not all the time - I'm not super human).

I think you may need to be very diplomatic and find a time to talk about how you are worried about how stressed she is getting, and how it's affecting you too. Unless she is very selfish and totally blind to her own weaknesses then it shouldn't be too hard to discuss when she isn't stressed. You may be abel to find something like a cue sentence for when you are feeling too stressed out and confused by what is going on and want to walk away. I don't know "I love you, I don't want to continue this so I'm going to walk away so we can both calm down". Hopefully if you've agreed on it first it'll be a good trigger for her to let you walk away or do whatever you have decided to do. I tend to use "I love you but I'm just not going to talk about this anymore" Then I don't and DH understands that is the end of the slanging match discussion until we have both calmed down and are in a better frame of mind. It means we rarely say things we regret and don't mean, it's also nutral, no one has to take any blame while in a temper (and I'm crap at saying sorry while still angry).

And one of the great MN sayings - This too shall pass - just keep repeating it over and over again, if you can manage to still think of her as an equal rational human being deserving of respect but who is going through some huge chemical changes you may not end up treating her like SWMBO

Leave the bitch grin

Trickle Sun 26-Aug-12 16:56:52

hipster grin

24Hours Sun 26-Aug-12 17:00:51

Pregnancy has loads of downsides.
most of them borne by the woman. This bit is to be borne by the partner.
Be more supportive and respectful. No not easy but not much about child bearing and rearing is.

sittinginthesun Sun 26-Aug-12 17:02:19

Hmmm, think you're going to have an interesting few years.

Your DW (stick to that name, if I were you), is going to feel hormonal, exhausted and tired for at least 3 months. Then you may have a couple of weeks off, before she will be exhausted, tired, ratty and hormonal again. Then, she will go through the emotion, exhaustion and pain of childbirth. Then, there will be the sleepless nights, hormonal changes etc and general feeding stresses. Followed by the boredom, exhaustion etc of chasing a toddler around.

Best advice is, don't moan.

I am 31 weeks and regularly have meltdowns like the one in the OP. I find nothing offensive in there at all. Sometimes I call myself an insane bitch.

IME it doesnt really matter what you do or dont do. She is pissed off and you just need to ride it out. When I have calmed down I usually find that all the things I was angry at DP over are things Im actually angry at myself for.

But never ever tell her something like that. It will not go down well.

Stay strong. You will get through it!!

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 17:07:15

I'm going to go against the grain and say she needs to get a fucking grip and show you some respect.
Being pg is not a licence to behave like an aggressive arsehole.

She sounds like a right moan, and a bit of a bully.

sicclick Sun 26-Aug-12 17:12:15

Many thanks Trickle.

I've explored all the the obvious/common issues with her and got nowhere. Truthfully this has shook me. We've never had problems communicating before and all previous arguments were about normal routine stuff, easily resolved once one/both of us had a chance to think about it.

I'll do as you suggest and catch her at the right time to thrash this out.

I fully expected the dynamic of our relationship to change, I just naively assumed it would be after the baby was born.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 17:15:06

Suck it up big boy smile just let it wash over you and just be thankfull its not you with all the shit flack and hassle that goes with that being pregnant malarky. I would only start to worry if she asks you to look at the toaster when your in the bath and she plugs it in before passing it to you.

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 17:17:46

Yet if it were he starting 10 petty arguments a day, and not allowing any space for his dw to opt out of the row, we'd all be up in arms telling him he was abusibe.

But because it's a man it's 'suck it up big boy'.

Fuck. Sake.

sittinginthesun Sun 26-Aug-12 17:19:54

Pictish - have you never felt overwhelmingly hormonal? Sometimes it just descends on you in a cloud, and you just lash out.

Seriously, best thing to so is to give her some space, and don't take it personally.

madas Sun 26-Aug-12 17:22:17

It was a light hearted quip and if i have upset you then please accept my apologies

NigellasGuest Sun 26-Aug-12 17:22:26

grin @ madas

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 17:23:56

Yes I have - I have three children and know all about it.

I have never started shit with my dh 10 times a day though, pregnant or not.

The OP has detailed that no matter how he responds, she will have her shit fit anyway and create a row.

That's not normal. That's being a bully.

pictish Sun 26-Aug-12 17:25:48

No-one on here would expect a female poster to tolerate it. Why is it any different for this chap? Because he has a penis?

It's not on.

Trickle Sun 26-Aug-12 17:29:09

Very welcome, hope it works for you, I guess pregnancy is a good training ground for the changes that come after when you have to start parenting shock

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