Put off Relationships.

(98 Posts)
Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 10:41:34

Reading MN is putting me off having a relationship.

I know it's not real-life but it must be some reflection.

The resentment on the step-parent forum is one of the things that has put me off.

Unless there is a woman out there who, won't object to my children coming first, and that I spend a lot of time with them, doesn't mind my love of beer, and my love of sports I reckon I'm going to be single for a bit longer yet.

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 14:15:00

Yes still married.

All siblings live close by, all nephews and nieces are close as well.

Children come first isn't a threat, it's the truth.

In my case my Mum has never let us down, so that's what we've learnt.

This is just like therapy.

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 14:18:05

They come first now but there will be a time when you have room for them and a partner. Why cant you have both? How do married people do it?

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:25:56

I wonder if this thread is so good because it's on "Dadsnet"?

Number I think you sound like you're doing an awesome "job" parenting. Kids don't need to be pampered and put on pedestals. They need to know that life carries on regardless. It's how we deal with bumps later on.

Ah changling - a close family is amazing and you're very lucky. I would have loved to grow up knowing that family was around like that. But you're an integral part in that and I'm sure your kids would be mortified when they are grown up and well-rounded to think for a second that they were the reasons you never took a chance and met someone who really curled your toes ;)

I met a bloke once and he told me he really liked me and I had a list of reasons why it would be too hard or why I wasn't ready and I suddenly realised that if it was the right person, none of that would matter. And I met the right person and I was right, none of it did matter.

Maybe your abhorrence to relationships will pass. And when it does, think of humping in your retirement village. And go for it smile

Numberlock Fri 10-Aug-12 14:26:24

Why cant you have both?

Of course you can have both but I think the OP is saying he's finding it difficult to find anyone with a similar outlook and looking for what he's after. (Have I got that right, Changlingz?)

I've certainly had both. And to me "both" isn't limited to dating - it's all the other aspects of my life that are for me.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:28:58

Relationships are difficult enough before you have kids. Settling into a life together and learning the ups and downs are all hard.

Now you get a new partner who not only has to learn you, but your kids and family and exP as well. How awful! S/he has to be a gem to put up with that. I can't imagine that it's easy for any parties but I tend to feel more empathy for the poor person who falls in love with a single / recently divorced / widowed etc because they just love someone.

But they have a bunch of boxes that they have to tick and its not just about adjusting your behaviour and learning to live with one person. It's that person and all that goes with it.

Pickles77 Fri 10-Aug-12 14:29:43

MN and my real life puts me off relationships but I do like to think ill meet someone and love again.
<runs away to find more fairytale books>

Numberlock Fri 10-Aug-12 14:32:07

Me too, Pickles, keep the faith eh?

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 14:36:47

I have reccently lost my spark and would like to hear some fairytail stories of love.

(forever hopefull)

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:42:46

Don't give up on it. Don't push potentially fabulous people away because you're afraid of getting hurt (ahem..."my kids come first") <<That is pushing people away and it's very much a method to make sure the right person ticks your boxes.

It may be true, but it's not entirely necessary to say that smile

Saying it becomes a defence mechanism. Saying it makes people realise you're being serious and it gives you a nice little reason to hide behind.

If the right person came along, you wouldn't HAVE to say "my kids come first". You wouldn't have to worry about the boxes. And you may realise that you're so unhappy, you're bordering on suicide and that person pulls you out of it because you've hidden behind "my kids come first" and put yourself so far beyond first or second or third.

Be kind to yourself. I promise, there are some lovely people out there.
I married one smile

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 14:43:44

Really do need a vomit emoticon

blush <<< kind of looks like a vomit face, non?

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 14:43:58

As a teenager it was so easy for me to fall in love but the older i get the more cynical i become sad

anairofhopeFORGOLD Fri 10-Aug-12 14:45:22

envy <--- vomit face lol

Pickles77 Fri 10-Aug-12 15:05:55

It's hard keeping faith grin

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 15:11:38

'Of course you can have both but I think the OP is saying he's finding it difficult to find anyone with a similar outlook and looking for what he's after. (Have I got that right, Changlingz?)'

About right.

Some of the expectations on dating websites are a bit unrealistic.

I think I can wait... I don't mind being single.

MrGin Fri 10-Aug-12 15:14:56

I think there's a lot to be said for the single life.

KickTheGuru Fri 10-Aug-12 15:22:01

Dating sites are rubbish.

People expect perfection but that's largely why they are single.

Join a sports club. The nicest people play sports clubsmile

madas Fri 10-Aug-12 15:37:10

I think there's a lot to be said for the single life.

Amen to that lol

Technoviking Fri 10-Aug-12 16:19:53

Mate, most of the posts on here are going to be seeking advice, therefore they wont be the "my life is great" kind.

Enjoy life, enjoy this forum and know that you'll meet the right woman for you soon enough.

GetOrfMoiRing Fri 10-Aug-12 16:26:00

I like being single as well.

I can do whatever I like, and I never have to watch fucking Time Team ever again.

MrsTomHardy Fri 10-Aug-12 16:56:37

Agree with Madas smile
Love my single life with my ds's

Changlingz Fri 10-Aug-12 18:19:03

Well I've just caught, a very didn't want to be caught, mouse.
And humanely released him into the wild to be eaten by an Owl most probably.

I will now go and eat another animal for tea, and ignore the double-standards, and bask in the glory of being the Mouse-Saviour.

Much to my cats disgust, they don't think I've got the hang of mouse catching.

GetOrfMoiRing Fri 10-Aug-12 19:46:10

My cats bring in fieldmice, bats and, one horrific morning, a crow.

Oh dear. single people talking about cats. grin

Changlingz Sat 11-Aug-12 07:58:28

All quiet on the mouse front.

Back to relationships, I think I'd struggle with a new partner having different opinions about parenting.

Changlingz Sat 11-Aug-12 08:07:06

I might use this thread to ask questions.

Daughters-in-laws and Mother-in-laws there must be more to it.

There's only two people in the whole world who at one time despised my mum, and it was her two dils?

They don't now, but it was bizarre and did seem a territory thing.

Conflugenglugen Sat 11-Aug-12 08:09:46

I think you've got a great attitude about what's important to you, Changlingz, and what you're looking for (and not looking for) in a relationship. Internet dating can be very hit and miss, but there really are some 'hits' out there.

I also don't think you need to compromise on your opinions about parenting. Sometimes on dating sites things aren't stated outright, i.e. when a woman feels strongly about putting kids first, because - as a sometime internet dater myself of a certain age - there might be a certain fear that she will be overlooked: women tend to become less 'viable' as they hit forty; sure enough, when I turned 40 last year, about a third of the prospects I had on my profile disappeared because I had exceeded that magical, child-bearing age, apparently. hmm

Sometimes you have to read between the lines, iyswim.

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