Poetry workshop/exercise2

[Janstar]

Here is a poem wot I wrote as a valentine for my husband:



TO BE THE BEST


If you were an ice cream, you?d be a chocolate chip.
If you were a lollipop, you?d be a sherbet dip.
If you were a love-poem, you?d be a Shakespeare sonnet.
If you were a hat you?d be a massive Easter bonnet.
If you were an animal, you?d be a roaring lion.
If you were a shirt, you?d be a pink and green Hawaiian.
If you were a battle you would be my Armageddon.
If you were a weight you would most certainly be leaden.
If you were a disliked day you?d probably be Monday.
If you were a murderer you?d likely be Ted Bundy.
If you were a skin complaint you might be dermatitis.
If you were a dancing saint I think you?d be St Vitus.
If you were a steroid, then you?d be an anabolic.
If you were a drinker you would be an alcoholic.
If you were influenza you?d make sure to be pandemic.
If you were a fungus you?d work hard to be systemic.
If you were a crushing snake you?d be a boa constrictor.
If you were an earthquake you?d go off the end of Richter.
I?m pleased to note my suppositions have no factuality.
You?re a husband and a father, and that?s the actuality.
But just as with these fantasies, when you?re put to the test,
You show me every day you are the ultimate and BEST!


Now it's your turn. Write an amusing poem in rhyming couplets paying attention to finding unusual rhymes. You will find a rhyming dictionary and a thesaurus very helpful with this exercise.

[glitterfairy]

Oh god me again! Loved your poem Janstar it really made me laugh and I have written a couple but here is mine not as good but different. Not quite as funny either did start one which was my dog skip is really thick but got stuck on pooper scooping must get that rhyming dictionary anyway sorry long and here goes.

After the children have gone to bed
I get to rest my aching head
Sit on the sofa and watch tv
Even make myself some tea.
But the sound I really dread
Grace, Rosa and Ted
Softly padding down the stairs
Innocent and unaware
They want something more to eat
Mummy can we have a treat?
We want more food and stuff to drink
We can?t sleep what do you think?
The only thought which I have
Is are they trying to drive me mad?
I want peace and my own time
Go away and no more whines.
But they come down and down again
I will get peace but don?t know when.
At last I am worn to a thread
Sit on the sofa have a cuddle and sod bed!

What do you think?

[popsycal]

This is a poem that I wrote again about my son...

It is about how cheeky he is. It was written about a year ago - so whilst i get round to doing a new one for this thread, i will post this one for now. It is a 'kenning'

Milk drinker
Big stinker

Dummy sucker
Nappy mucker

Big smeller
Loud yeller

Food lover
Cousin shover

Buggy rider
Remote control hider

Toy chewer
Smelly poo-er

Cute grinner
Mammy's winner

Tommy Tucker
Little......darling

[Janstar]

Glitterfairy...the framework is all there, but if you want to make it punchy you need clever rhymes. It's okay to rhyme brick with stick, but more fun to rhyme brick with geriatric, and the most fun of all to rhyme geriatric with psychiatric. This is all very well but you are going to find it ten times as hard trying to do it without a rhyming dictionary. It really takes all the work out of it.

For example - jazz it up a bit like this. Instead of saying

We want more food and stuff to drink
we can't sleep what do you think?
The only thought which I have
Is are they trying to drive me mad?

say

We're still hungry! Bring more supper!
Just forget that longed-for cuppa.
My tired brain's so slow and soupy
These kids are trying to drive me loopy!

This took me quite a long time to do, using a thesaurus to look for words meaning 'mad' and then searching through the rhyming dictionary for a word that might rhyme with it and get your meaning across, but with more interesting words. It's the use of these more unusual words that makes the poem more amusing.

There is no great skill to this - it's just a matter of hunting through the thesaurus and the rhyming dictionary until you come up with something that works.

[Janstar]

Popsycal, I love your poem, especially the last line which is very funny. This is a perfect illustration of the use of unusual rhymes making the poem. I only have one tiny criticism - that's the repetition of the word big.

[Janstar]

Popsy, I just read your poem out to ds aged 3 and he is laughing his head off!

By the way, what's a kenning?

[popsycal]

change the second 'big' to 'foul'

or does that sound like he little to smell chickens.....
lol

Thanks again for the feedback jan

Working on a different one for this exercise since that was simplt sitting in my notebook.....

[popsycal]

oh my god!!!!
that copy and paaste went wrong!!!
pmsl!!!!

[popsycal]

i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooo sooooooooooooooo sorry!!!!!
read the last one!!!
god - canbt believe i did that#1!

[Janstar]

Oh popsy! I bet this is the longest thread on mumsnet compared to the number of posts on it! Maybe you could get tech to delete it so it doesn't slow the thread down?

Actually it looks like interesting reading

[Janstar]

Foul works really well - it rhymes with loud, sort of so it sounds good.

[glitterfairy]

Rofl Popsy fantastic! Thanks for the advice janstar and your version made me laugh out loud cant find it now though!

[popsycal]

still cant believe i did that
will ask tech....lol

at least you know what a kenning is now though, hey!!!
pmsl

[popsycal]

Final version

Milk drinker
Big stinker

Dummy sucker
Nappy mucker

Foul smeller
Loud yeller

Food lover
Cousin shover

Buggy rider
Remote control hider

Toy chewer
Smelly poo-er

Cute grinner
Mammy's winner

Tommy Tucker
Little......darling


PS have emailed tech to sort out my incompetence!!

[glitterfairy]

That is fantastic popsy

[popsycal]

I am part way through a new one too.......

I am feeling really motivated with my writing at the moment

thought that this rhyming dictionary and thesaurus might be helpful to you all on this thread in particular!!

[glitterfairy]

THanks popsy it will help enormously.

[popsycal]

Here is the real entry for this exercise.

No title just yet.....


In a normal situation, I am calm and I?m collected,
I get on with my daily life; deal with the unexpected.
I go about my business, my opinions are unspoken
I would hate to think my words could leave someone upset or broken.

But there?s a funny breed of folk: the opposite, antithesis,
Who freely speak to any one, tell them what their opinion is.
The subject doesn?t bother them, the topic doesn?t matter,
They tell you what they think and then indulge in idle chatter.

?So do you like my carpet?? you could ask to Mrs B.
?Brand spanking new, I liked a few but this one?s right for me!?
Cue snotty cursory glances, across the floor her fingers skirt,
Then with disgust, she simply must make comment on the dirt!

Then there?s another type of folk, in some ways more amusing,
They like to be one step ahead of you when you?re enthusing.
?My son played his first football match,? you beam and beckon nearer,
?That?s nice my dear. When Josh was two, he scored like Alan Shearer.?

The most infuriating are those with a ?perfect? child.
The ones who settle themselves to sleep leave me to feel beguiled.
You ask her: ?What?s your secret? He sleeps of his own accord??
?My god,? she says, ?You heathen! Brush up on your Gina Ford!?

I beseech you, fellow mothers, to join in with me today,
To make a pledge that we allege that everything we say
Will be carefully considered and with hands upon our hearts,
We will have a ritual burning of those blasted centile charts.

[popsycal]

i think i need another verse (or 2 to help the symmetry of the poemmm) to explaian and exand the link between the first verse and the rest....

[popsycal]

explain and expand....

[Janstar]

Hi Popsy, I'm a bit rushed at the moment but first impression is, what a great poem - absolutely what I was hoping for with this brief.

I have more detailed comment to make - later when I get back from Asda!

[Janstar]

Popsycal - this is a great poem, full of humour and with excellent rhythm and good rhymes. I particularly like the rhyming of 'beckon nearer' with 'Alan Shearer', this is the type of original rhyming that can turn a piece of doggerel into a sharp and amusing verse. You have paid attention to the scansion with good effect. One other thing that really gives the poem strength is the internal rhyming here and there - 'Then with disgust, she simply must...'

You have used dialogue in your poem too, something that people often don't think to do, or don't think they can, when in fact it does bring it even more to life. I often use dialogue in poetry.

The only thing I could think of to make it even better would be to replace some of the more ordinary rhymes with more unusual ones, but really, that would be sheer perfectionism and the poem is good and strong as it is, you don't need to do more.

Great stuff!

[popsycal]

Thanks janstar


will try to have a look at some of the more 'boring' rhymes.....

[Janstar]

Most poems have some ordinary rhymes in them...don't stress

[popsycal]

Thanks Jan!