Greedy people expecting more than I can give/afford

(23 Posts)
Dancelikenobodyswatching Sun 19-Apr-15 11:13:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sakura Sun 19-Apr-15 11:20:30

Oh I hate this too. I am now a single mother but when I was with H we used to spend so much money on his family because they had to have the best and also used to ignore or turn their nose up at inexpensive presents.

Just find excuses to avoid these family gatherings. Of course spending time and money on your DD is going to be a million times more pleasurable and if these people aren't even going to pretend to appreciate your involvement in their gatherings then it's their loss!

LaurieFairyCake Sun 19-Apr-15 11:23:02

Don't buy people who ridicule and abuse you gifts

It's not like they're a great loss when they stop talking to you

You should never get into debt for arseholes like them - honestly, drop them, they don't deserve someone as kind and thoughtful as you

Burritochico Sun 19-Apr-15 11:23:45

No, they aren't fortunately

You need to get better friends op, and I'd distance myself from my family if they were like that

People who can't understand 'I can't afford it' are awful people ime

People who don't like something hand made and thoughtful are even worse

Grumpyoldblonde Sun 19-Apr-15 12:09:40

Christ, which part of "I am a single mum on a limited income" don't your family understand? I would not bother in future, really, who the hell do they think they are demanding gifts? I have had varying fortunes over the years as have family and friends and I have been thrilled to receive a bar of my favourite chocolate or a bunch of daffodils from friends who are feeling the pinch. Gifts are meant to be freely given not demanded. Stop giving in to their demands, they are so rude!

starfish4 Sun 19-Apr-15 16:15:26

You only spend on them what you can afford without having to go without yourself - end of. If they don't like it, tough. It shouldn't be about how much you spent, it should be the fact that you've gone out and wanted to get them something they'll like - even if it's just some favourite bubble bath, nice chocolates on offer.

When you see them over the next few months, tell them you are finding it hard to make ends meet and because of that you can your budget for presents is limited. For that reason you can only afford a small amount each in the future. Then if they choose to spend more that's up to them.

steppemum Sun 19-Apr-15 16:50:41

I have a lot of sympathy.
I would take a stand and let them moan and after a while they will adapt. It will mean taht they give less back to you and dd, but that is also fine.

So, email them in a cheery way and say that because money is tight, how about we do Christmas a little differently this year - presents to nieces and nephews, but not to adults (eg Sis and BIL) Max price £10 per child. Make some cheerful comment about how it is lovely to think of each other, but it is the thought that counts and spending time together as a family is more important that expensive gifts.

You will have to repeat it - no adults and token presents for kids.
When they buy more for you, look surprised and say I thought we were doing token gifts! I stuck to the token gifts for you!!

FWIW, my brothers have loads of money and I don't. We do token gifts and no adults. £10 christmas for kids and £15 birthday.

steppemum Sun 19-Apr-15 17:21:18

meant to say, you have to be a bit broken record and cheerful for this to work, so when you get emails back saying no (wrapped up in 2 pages of emotional blackmail) you reply

It is so lovely that you want to spend more on dd and me, but we simply do not have the money, so we will be doing kids only and £10, and we really do not expect you to spend any more on us.

Repeat in various forms, every single time the topic is raised. In the end they will accept it.

For very stubborn close family, you could do a simple equation

When we spend £50 on each other, what % of your weekly income is £50?

Lyinginwait888 Mon 20-Apr-15 18:07:38

I had a horrible patch a few years ago. I emailed my friends and family and firmly and politely explained the following...

I do NOT want your gifts. Please don't buy for me.

I CANNOT afford to continue gift giving in its current format.

I know you'll understand my dilemma.

See you on X date. I'll bring wine.

Obviously I fluffed it up a bit but the message was the same.

Good luck!

AdoraBell Wed 22-Apr-15 16:19:32

You'll have to put your foot down, again and repeatedly, they sound horrendous tbh.

I would do the email as suggested and make it clear that you do not want them to spend any more than you can afford for their DC's present.

My ILs have been a little like this a few times. DH used to get stressed but has learned to stand up for himself. I just used my blank 'your complaint isn't registering' face.

Good luck with it and stand your ground. Your DD will be a better person for the way you are raising her.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing Wed 22-Apr-15 16:24:22

like lying when we were struggling a few years ago, we arranged with sisters and brothers that we wouldn't buy adult presents at Christmas - that was a substantial reduction. We buy adult birthday presents but no-one spends over £20.

It's definitely not the money though - if you've made it clear that you're being stretched too thin and this is being ignored, they'd get fuck all from me - no decent person would see someone else struggling financially in order to buy them a present.

MyArksNotReady Wed 22-Apr-15 16:29:15

Spend your money on other activities then.

If spending time and money attending the party makes you and the host unhappy, spend your money doing something you will enjoy instead.

The host will be happier too by the sounds of things.

Iflyaway Wed 22-Apr-15 16:31:50

Your family sounds self-entitled and awful.

Why bother giving them anything? They won't appreciate it anyway.

I'm a LP and sorry, but bills are a higher priority. Anything left over goes into the "rainy day" fund. (Like when the washing machine breaks down etc.).

Don't waste money on people who don't have your best interests at heart.

specialsubject Thu 23-Apr-15 11:53:54

wrong friends and bone-headed family!

do some straight talking. TBH it is ridiculous for adults to be giving each other birthday presents, and in your position you should be giving nothing. (Means receiving nothing of course). Ingratitude is 'one strike and out' - no more presents.

tell your sister how it is, and that you'll be back in touch when she grows up.

ClarasZoo Sat 09-May-15 22:52:38

I am sorry to hear about your dilemma OP. I think you need to be firm, as others have said. I don't buy anyone a gift for birthdays/christmas in my family except the kids. Then it's small stuff. No one cares and everyone seems pretty relieved that we don't have to bother. It's years since I had a present off anyone (including partner). But I love it that way. If I want something I can buy it myself (within reason!) so why should someone else give me something?

GemmaTeller Tue 19-May-15 18:18:18

Last year I decided to reign it in and asked family not to buy us birthday presents as we couldn't afford them in return, they respected this and we just exchange cards. No-one had a strop about it.

I definately would not be buying gifts for ungrateful people.

Flowerpower41 Sun 14-Jun-15 09:40:28

I know how you feel op. My cousins are all rolling in it and have no concept of how expensive life is as a single parent. Luckily I do not share Christmas and birthdays with them as we are not at all close - I also have no siblings. It makes my Christmases and my ds's birthday expenses much more bearable! My parents are both deceased so my ds receives no gifts bar some naturally from me - although his dad does send a little money into my account invariably.

You will encounter this everywhere you go I am afraid - more people around are couples than single parents and everywhere I go I feel my ds has substantially less than everyone else. It simply cannot be done. When my ds goes for sleepovers their homes are simply bestrewn with the latest gadgets and fancy belongings all over the place.

That said given that most people buy into the endless media hype about single parents being all in council homes living on benefits at least they are generally amazed I am even so much as working and have enjoyed a decent education!!

It's hard isn't it. To feel we are judged and belittled somewhat.

Flowerpower41 Sun 14-Jun-15 09:43:41

To my mind Christmas is just for children to start with and adults have no need of gifts. We have already had our childhood and now it is the children's turn.

I only buy myself a £30 gift for Christmas from ds which naturally I pay for myself but that is all. It does not bother me one jot. A modest perfume does me fine.

ImperialBlether Sun 14-Jun-15 09:48:12

Do they spend the equivalent on you? They sound so selfish it's hard to imagine they are spending that themselves.

ImperialBlether Sun 14-Jun-15 09:49:19

Do they spend the equivalent on you? They sound so selfish it's hard to imagine they are spending that themselves.

RandomMess Sat 27-Jun-15 15:41:29

Start spending £20 on gifts, they will be ungrateful and moan but they will do that regardless of how much they spend. If they moan to your face it's a perfect excuse to say "Well I shan't bother next year" then stick to it, and remind them of that next year when you hand over a card and token gift.

WhoisLucasHood Tue 30-Jun-15 20:08:53

Seriously OP, you get to decide how you spend your money. Please stop giving ungrateful people your money. Give a card to adults or a token gift if you think they deserve it but don't spend more than you can afford on them. If an adult want a present, they can buy it themselves. I'd be distancing myself from the entitled.

Sleepyhoglet Wed 01-Jul-15 21:03:41

Sounds awful. I get a but disgusted by people posting on fb about their wonderful presents etc. So bloody what! I genuinely don't want a load of crap in my house (harder with dd) and would prefer a nice card and a phone call. I do think the key is consistency though- not fair to treat one if your children poorly and then lavish a £600 iphone on a younger brother. Yes, I am talking from personal experience!

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