What do you think of this?

[dontcallmehon]

This is just the very first few paragraphs of a novel I am writing, just wanted some opinions.

I held it tightly in my hand. Of everything grandmother had bequeathed to me this was the most intriguing. A simple, brass key.

It was an interesting symbol of my relationship with grandmother. She was always grandmother, never a more familiar form, even though she was the closest thing to a mother I had. She liked to keep herself private, locking away both her treasured possessions and the parts of her emotions she did not permit anyone to share.

Now her possessions were also mine, as her only living relative. Yet it felt wrong that I should now be able to root through her things, uncover what had always been kept so guarded.

The house looked different to when I had seen it last. The garden was filled with overgrown foliage, dandelions stretching out along the gravelled drive. The windows, once gleaming, were dingy and dark. Empty crisp wrappers, beer cans and cigarette ends littered the pavement outside. The grandmother I knew would never have allowed such chaos to reign outside her manicured lawn. A pang of something caused my stomach to wrench and tighten, like a hand clenching into a fist. The baby kicked and squirmed against my ribs. Gasping with the sudden immediacy of it, I paused before opening the door of grandmother?s house: my house.

The interior of the house was not quite so altered; it still bore some resemblance to the austere and pin-neat house of my childhood. Everything was in its place, but with an extra layer of dust now, giving it an ethereal quality. The mantelpiece was filled with tiny china dogs of various shapes and sizes. Photographs of me as a toddler smiled eerily down. The heavy damson curtains swung from the double-fronted bay windows, shrouding the inner sanctum in gloomy darkness. In front of the old fireplace was a familiar circular rug, cream fabric looped round and back on itself, an endlessly repetitive cycle. I still clutched the key in my fist, barely daring to unclench my fingers and examine it once more. I was sure the imprint of the key would be embedded into my flesh. My hands felt clammy and cold.

Venturing up the long staircase, every stair creaked in anticipation. The locked cabinet called to me: 'open , open.' Trembling, I clutched the key still tighter.

[WilfSell]

What kind of feedback would you like?

[dontcallmehon]

Would it intrigue you enough to want to read on?

Any constructive advice as to how I could improve it?

[Bink]

"dandelions stretching out"
and "austere" are good. Slightly under-written if you see what I mean - they hint and suggest rather than explain. The rest is fine, and interesting, and promising - I'd want to read more. But the sparer the better - suits the sense of the grandmother, and the sense of mystery. (So, eg, simple example "caused my stomach to tighten" may be enough?)

[WilfSell]

I do want to read on. But I would suggest that you take more time with your plot. I think you are telling me too many things in your first few paragraphs here.

It seems to me as if your big 'devices' (the key, the locked up emotions of your grandmother) are being somewhat telegraphed in the first page.

I would want a bit more revelation, more building of tension in my read. This may well just be a stylistic preference however.

I hope this helps.

[dontcallmehon]

I agree, I struggle with withholding details.

[Threadworm]

Somehow the tone of suspense and apprehension seems a little imposed on the content. You want the story to be suspenseful and unnerving and you have succeeded in creating that tone, but the actual events and characters haven't been drawn in a way that actually generates it.

And a smaller point, I think as a reader I would resent being told that the key was a symbol. I would rather have the symbolism displayed in the story.

[janeite]

I wrote exactly what Threadworm has just said about the key as symbol and then deleted it as I thought it sounded a bit mean, after you've exposed yourself so bravely on here. She is right though - it is too laboured to TELL us it is a symbol, you need to SHOW us.

[Threadworm]

I didn't mean to sound mean! It is very brave to show the story, and it certainly seems worth continuinf to work on it.

[janeite]

No - you didn't sound mean! I was just too much of a coward to say it first!

[dontcallmehon]

No thank you, this is the kind of feedback I need.