GETTING PREGNANT AND WHAT I NEED TO KNOW(205 Posts)
I'm 18, just recently turned 18. I'm trying for a baby with my boyfriend, we have been planning this all for the last 6 months, this really is what we want, we have a good income (we don't currently have any benefits and we plan to not rely on them)I came off my mini pill 1 week ago, I'm having heavy bleeding now, I presume this is my period.what do I need to know, what's important. I've googled and googled but I want really advice. How long do you think it will take for me to fall pregnant etc?
Anything would help, thankyou!
Google pre pregnancy advice.
You need to be taking vitamins, especially Folic Acid.
Some people get pregnant 1 month after trying, others can never get pregnant.
It is such a massive life changing experience. I can recommend going on the Money Advice Service to check out the cost.
I waited till I was 27 to try for a baby, they are expensive and a strain on your relationship.
There is no hurry to start trying so soon and lots of sensible reasons to wait.
Please don't have a baby at 18. I was only 19 when I had DS and although I love him to bits, I really wish I had waited 10 years. Enjoy your carefree 20s, travel, have fun, enjoy being able to go out at the drop of a hat without having to find childcare. That's my best advice.
I second what pp said I was 18 when I fell pregnant with ds and 19 when he was born as much as I love him I didn't properly think about the whole picture I certainly didn't expect to find myself as a single parent and It never crossed my mind that I could have a child with SN. Oh and most of my friends disappeared once ds was born because my life was different and I couldn't go out at a drop of a hat.
Maybe hold on for a few more months you might change your mind and want to hold off having children for a while
I'm sorry skipping, but your post is a bit harsh. I'm 26 and have been trying to conceive for about 3 years. At 18 I knew all I wanted to be was a mum. If she's on a good income, in a stable relationship and will love that baby and give them everything they need, why not? I've seen plenty of older parents who get it completely wrong! I've been with my husband since I was 16. Lots of people told me I was too young to get married/try for a baby but if that's what's right for you then why not
You might catch very soon, it may take longer than you think. Just 18, what's the hurry?
A rock solid relationship is the best foundation. You might think it will just be you three but have as much family/friend support you can get. Some friends will drift away before you reach nine months. If you want to prove how adult you are, please don't rush into parenthood. Escaping a poor upbringing, edgy family background? travel instead.
Sex during later stages of pregnancy and for up to months after the birth might not appeal. How does your boyfriend feel about celibacy?
Remember when you tell everyone, some will be thrilled. But some will tell you you're crazy and random strangers will inform you that you are eating and drinking wrong, or you are so young it is immoral, or worse ask leeringly were you careless or drunk? Later they'll push past, grab the last seat on public transport, let heavy doors shut in your face and pat your bump without asking. And at least four will make you cry with horror stories about labour and birth.
That newborn requires 24 hour a day care. Set your alarm for 3 am one night this week. See how awake you feel. Get up and walk around for ten minutes. Go back to bed but set your alarm for 4:45 am. Do something intricate with only a low wattage light on. Then set your alarm for 6 am. Does your partner even wake up?
Eat well, sleep well, look after yourself. Are you employed? Save as much money as you can. Babies cost. That said, they don't need brand new everything. If you know someone with a baby ask if you can practise holding, picking up, soothing.
When you get a positive result, don't think your new life starts when s/he arrives. That begins from that moment you find out.
i've know i wanted a baby since i was 15 their is a thing called common sense that stopped me from trying until i turned 20 and was in a very stable relationship teen pregnancies are so wrong and so avoidable. there's a difference between knowing/planning and trying for a baby.
I agree with donkeys....set your alarm for 11pm, 2am, 4.30am and get up for the day at 6am. Each time stay up for at least 30 minutes carrying a massive bag of potatoes around and around your house - mentally imagine crying/grunting/inconsolable unexplained screaming and accidental head butting/hair pulling/kicking. Now do it for a month then decide. Start now and decide at the start of July if you want to go ahead and TTC.
Once you've done the above and if you've made up your minds then the very best of luck...a baby is such a miracle and blessing but it is also terrifying and exhausting in a way that can't be described. My advice is live a little, go wild and enjoy being carefree then settle down because there is no going back once you have a baby.
I love my DS so very much but I used to work a miminum 50 hour week in a very stressful and demanding job and it was so so much easier than caring for him!!
I want a baby, my boyfriend does. We've talked about moving into a flat together (which we can afford) we've talked about finances, we've started our savings account ready for when I do fall pregnant. We've talked about marriage. We have stable support from families, good jobs, qualifications. we have everything sorted out all I was asking was for some advice from parents on going through pregnancy. I didn't ask to be judged and mocked. I'm in a serious relationship and I wouldn't go ahead if I had a single doubt about my relationship lasted. I plan to love my baby forever and I'm sure that matters more than my age. I know plenty of older parents who get it all wrong, drinking, drugs, smoking- that's something I would never do. I will give my baby everything I can and so will my partner. So please, just because you're older doesn't mean that you will be a better parent than someone in their teens when I have everything going for me right now.
Aww didums your going to move in together in a little tiny flat how grown up of you seriously get a career buy a house and a car have adventures and holidays together and then have a kid. seriously your child will thank you fyi most people live together before having a baby
Don't do it- at 18 you have barely lived any adult life. get out see the world, buy a house, climb the career ladder, get a degree.
Enjoy some carefree adult life and gain some experience before you have a baby.
I would be sad if my 18 year old DD had a baby.
Oh look, another thread and people are saying the same thing as on your other thread!!
We're not judging you, we are giving you the knowledge that our experiences have brought us!!
I think some people on here have been unnecessarily rude, but I do also have to say don't rush this. You have so much time on your hands. Travel, experience life, and become the well rounded mum your kids need.
I have a career, I can very easily move into a flat, I have the savings. I have a car and good qualifications. I have 2 jobs. I'm not sure where the problem is, I don't want to go out travelling I want to be a parent and to love and care for my child as does my boyfriend. So please, don't tell me to get thing I have and to do things I don't want to do.
Jael- I'm sorry but at 18 you don't have good qualifications.
A degree is a good qualification.
Your "career"- and I hesitate to call it that as you are so young will take a battering from maternity leave and the pressures of motherhood.
Having good qualifications or experience- and by that I mean longer than a year or two will stand you in good stead when you return to work.
You have started the same thread 3 times- I'm not sure what you are looking for here.
As I understand you and your boyfriend are still living with respective parents. You are both living in protected environments,
Setting up home together, entering into the adult world and setting up home together alone can be a big strain on many relationships, never mind bringing in a baby into the mix.
You need to know that your relationship is stable enough before you think of a baby.
If a baby is worth having then she deserves a stable home, not just two teenagers who are playing house for the first time.
do tell us how you plan on working 2 job while taking care of a newborn you have had too early in life will be struggling to provide for on your boyfriends wages alone and run a car with insurance petrol etc .. you are being really selfish and really unrealistic wanting a baby is not the same as having a baby.
I do have good qualifications from college, I was accepted to 4 uni's across the uk and one In Paris. , which I might take the offer In a few years, my boss is a good family friend we have spoken about maternity leave and she said that it's all ok, there's some paperwork that she needs to sort out and check over but when I fall pregnant we will have another talk about it all.
well said deepbluetr it is hard not to laugh at situations like this..
skipping- yes. jael is in for a few shocks, and being selfish. She is too immature to undertand what everyone is trying to tell her unfortunately.
Irrespective of your age, I would strongly recommend living together with your boyfriend for 6 months before you start TTC. I would say that to anyone planing to get pregnant of any age.
Running your own household is completely different to living with your parents. It is sensible for you and your boyfriend to be 100% responsible for yourselves before you bring a new baby into the mix.
We've talked about moving into a flat together
So you're not even living together yet. You intend to have all the stress of setting up a home together, sorting out rent, utilities etc, at the same time as having the baby.
You are still in the honeymoon period, and it's wonderful But you really do need to settle into a life together, just the two of you, before having that baby.
You have two jobs. Do you intend to keep them up when you have the baby, and pay for childcare? Or are you going to be a stay-at-home mum without the income to pay for rent, car etc?
I am not patronising you Jael, but please think again. Settle down first, then think about getting pregnant.
Jeez some people Need to read the thread title and actually look at what the OP is asking?
18 may seem young to some of you to have a baby but if the OP is set on it & thinks that her situation is suitable then why not?
You could have a 30year old in the same situation - would you think they were stupid?
I think you are far far too young to be thinking about having a baby. Please reconsinder. However, you will think you know best. I thought the same at your age.
Happier, I would absolutely also advise a 30 year old to stop living with her parents (assuming she'd never lived away from them) and live with her boyfriend before TTC.
You asked for some advise on how to conceive (get pregnant). I can help with that.
- As mentioned, you should be taking folic acid vitamins from the point you start trying for a baby until being at least 12 weeks pregnant.
- What do you know about your menstrual cycle? You need to know how long your menstrual cycle lasts for so you could do with marking it on your diary/calendar for a few months. Some basic info about your menstrual cycle:
- Day 1 of your cycle is the first day of your period. Count the number of days until the last day before your next period starts.
- You are at your most fertile for the week around the middle part of your cycle. So for example if your menstrual cycle lasts for 28 days then you are most fertile around Day 14. This is called ovulation.
- When you know how long your cycles are and have worked out approximately when you ovulate each cycle (this differs for everyone), you could do with trying to have sex as much as possible around ovulation.
- The few days before ovulation are better than the days after you ovulate, but it is hard to be certain exactly when you ovulate (without testing) which is why maintaining sex after ovulation can still be important.
That's the very basic 'biology teacher' advice. I hope it helps.
There are many other emotional, personal and social issues to consider too.
Move in together first, then take it from there. You need to live together to put your relationship to the test before having a baby. With a child all the little annoying things get so much worse and even marriages that have lasted decades can break down. 6 months/a year of dating whilst living with your parents does not tell you what your boyfriend is like stressed, sleep deprived, drunk or angry.
OP, please answer this - how much do you earn, and how long have you been with your boyfriend?
Speaking for myself the funny thing is, I would have repeated most of my reply to you had you said I am 25 what can I expect, how do we plan? There are many sources of information on the Internet so I presumed you wanted our own thoughts.
Lacking or blessed with wealth, education, prospects, frankly so what - anyone who plans starting a family is liable to find the reality quite different from how they envisaged. You can have it all mapped out but your baby won't have read the books. And if you get through the whole experience without ante- or post-natal depression, that is a bonus not a given.
Don't be put off posting here or on other sections. Ironically I forgot to say earlier, as soon as you cross into parenthood and child - rearing, no matter how old, best grow an extra thick layer of skin to deflect the inevitable judgmental comments on any and every aspect from everyone else that fly your way.
Just another voice saying wait. I'm 37 weeks pregnant with my first and nearly 12 years older than you with a husband, home I've shared with him for years, and a career I've been working in for 8+ years.
I'm thrilled but very scared- and I've had more life experiences, freedom and adventures than you. I would have been gutted to be pregnant at 18 when my life was just beginning really. Those 12 years have been great and I know the experiences I had in that time will help me be a better parent because I've got more to draw from.
Go to uni, see the world, be in love and have loads of great sex and great holidays and delicious dinners. Have different friends and different boyfriends if you want. See what jobs and career options suit you. Go out and be drunk and be daft and drink gin with your friends. Go to the cinema in the middle if the night for a double bill of horror films just because you can, earn decent money with no responsibilities and buy frivolous things: beautiful shoes, takeaways and nice wine.
I'm so excited to become a parent but so glad I did all of the above (and much more besides!) You've got so much time. Don't get stuck. I've seen so many of my contemporaries have children too young and so many say they wish they'd waited. My best friends sister thought she knew it all and had three kids by the time she was 20. Now in her 30s she says, with great conviction, that whilst she loves her sons, "I was a good new mum at 18 and I loved my baby but I would have been just as good a mum at 28 and wouldn't have loved him any less... And things would have been so much easier."
I plan to love my baby forever
Ok i refrained from saying it on your other thread but that line is ridiculous. It makes you sound about 4 years old! You have a real shock coming to you if you do have a baby because you are nowhere near mature enough for it or have any idea what is involved.
My reply wasn't based on your age - it was based on life experience. I have also given exactly the same advice to people I know who are literally DOUBLE your age. If you think you know better then why ask?! Go ahead and have a baby, it will be the biggest shock of your (short) life.
You say you have supportive families - are you planning on turfing the baby onto them when things get rough? (Which they probably will quite quickly - based on experience and that of friends.) I'm genuinely interested - do both families seriously think it's a cosy super idea to have a baby together as you're just starting adult life?
No one on here is saying that you wouldn't love and care for a baby. And yes, your age shouldn't reflect on how you love and care for a baby. I'm not judging you, I'm advising you. I think you probably won't take that advice. Do it - set your alarm tonight three/four times and get up to do something physically demanding. Do it every night for a month and repost with a bit of perspective.
The internet is crammed full of info about TTC and also when I was TTC I bought a book about TTC, pregnancy and birth. I assume you have read books before...to get your qualifications.....
You presume I am not an adult but I'm sorry you're all extremely immature, what you're doing is being awfully pathetic. I wanted real advice from mature adults. Not bitchy people behind a screen.
Don't wait to get pregnant for your boss to give you advice on maternity leave. Find your rights out first.
Don't expect to go to uni when your child is 4 - it wilk be almost impossible and you can't afford it.
You spend a lot of time explaining you are almost in the right place... almost have a home, almost married, started your savings.
You wonder why you have come onto Mums net and we're advising you against pregnancy... perhaps the unanimous vote should help you see thatcwe know something you don't.
CAN SOMEONE HERE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I DONT HAVE THAT I SHOULD HAVE OTHER THAN MY OWN HOUSE? Thanks
If you need to ask that question then you are too young to have a child.
No need to shout- you sound as if you are having a toddler tantrum.
I can assure you motherhood will be far more challenging than this discussion. So keep your cool.
I was trying to get someone's attention, and no I'm purely asking that question as I'm sure I have everything that any other mother has.
Life experience and maturity.
The ability to listen to more experienced points of view and take them on board??
I am mature if anything people being so negative and rude is showing immaturity.
Jael, you say moving in together will be easy, so why not do it now and then once you're settled, start TTC. You don't have to do everything at once, I promise. Even in say 3 years, you'll still be a young, energetic, fun mum, just perhaps with a bit more life experience. You may find setting up bills and really looking after yourself quite a learning curve, and when you look back will realise it.
Like you I've wanted kids ever since I met my now husband at 18, I've been so broody!! I'm now 24 and I've got my own company, am married and own a flat in London. I know for a fact I wouldn't have this if I'd had a baby and I'm so glad we've waited!!
You sound like you've got a promising future so there's no need to rush it.
I've listened and chosen not to take them onboard. I've asked for pregnancy advice not life advice. You're parents, not councillors.
:-O ok. I'm not a parent so can't give TTC advice, so sorry for sticking my oar in!
Why the hell would you plan to have a baby at 18? I'm 19 with a 5 month old DS, I fell pregnant (accidentally!) when I was 18 to my boyfriend of 6 months. I thought he was the love of my life, etc etc, now our whole relationship is falling apart.
Go to university first. I'm starting a degree in September and my grandparents are having DS during the day while I'm at uni but I won't be able to go out and be carefree like everyone else my age, I'll have to do my work whilst juggling looking after a baby and then a toddler. Somedays I wish I could just get up and walk out. It's hard, it's really fucking hard. I love my baby more than anything, he has brought me so much joy but I would not have purposely got pregnant at 18. It's hard work, and babies are expensive. Your life will never be your own again. I would love to get up and go travelling or go away for the weekend with my partner but hey, guess what, I can't. And I don't resent my baby one bit but it is incredibly difficult sometimes.
Listen to yourself, you accidentally got pregnant. It's not the same as planning for 6 months, then trying and knowing what you want and having everything planned out.
The very first reply was mine. It had lots of sensible advice. Go back and read it. Especially the bit about checking the cost on MAS
Also you need to be living together first! Living with DP is entirely different to just being with him at my parents or his parents house. We have rent, council tax, utility bills to pay. We're responsible for making sure there is food in the fridge or that clothes are washed and ironed, that the bathroom is clean and the living room is vacuumed. And moving when pregnant is difficult. I speak from experience. I lived in an awful small flat for the first 4 months of DS's life. Now we're in a 3 bed semi but DP is older than me and has an established job with a good wage - can I ask what your 'good job' at 18 is? I worked for minimum wage in a shop until I was 38 weeks pregnant to make sure we could save for a mortgage deposit.
Oooh also you can "plan" all you want it rarely works out once a baby arrives they don't work to plans and baby books you know <laughing hysterically>
You will probably be tired, emotional, feeling sick,may have medical problems. Most women find the first and last trimesters difficult.
Pregnant women do best in a low stress environment where they get plenty rest and little worry.
What you are planning is to set up home with a man you have never lived with, learn how to manage your money, bills, food, housework, shopping, buying furniture, decoration and the huge transitions of not only living independantly but co habiting with your boyfriend. And you want to be pegnant throughout all this.
Not the ideal circumstance for a pregnancy. and if you want your baby to have the best start in life you will set up home together before considering pregnancy.
Stress in pregnancy can lead to complications, early labour and premature birth.
You are setting stressful obstacles in your path.
I'm sorry but you come across as an immature child. I'm telling you from experience what having a child is like. It doesn't matter that my baby was an accident - whether he was planned or not, he's still hard work, just like yours will be! I thought I was prepared for the reality of having a baby. I wasn't. The sleep deprivation in the early days almost killed me.
Is there really nothing you want to do at 18 other than have a child?
Just assume you will be able to do nothing other than care for your child (then anything else will be a bonus). Is there literally nothing you'll wish you'd have done? Moved to a new city? Learn a language? Make new friends? Learn to cook? Get regular manicures? Live abroad? Get a degree?
Also having a baby at such a young age will increase the risk of disabilities/birth problems because your 18 with the body of an 18 year old that has barely finished puberty and growing boobs let alone being able to grow a baby. just do one OP you're obviously soooooo wise we don't know what we're talking about do we ladies ?? she has a high paid job with loads of savings and she has a car still hasn't told us what this job is though has she .......
And my check list before getting pregnant. ..
Stable relationship (10 years not 10 months)
Maturity (gained around 25 years old)
Own our home
Perfect victoria sponge recipe
Good mental health
Home set up
Savings in the bank
Plenty of people have children when their situation stinks. I agree, your situation is better than people's who are on drink and drug. Does that mean you're in the perfect place to have for a baby?
Also you will have f all chance of getting back into work in 5 years if you have a child now employer's won't give you a 2nd glance.
Are your parents supportive of your plan?
OP, you've been given some advice on how to TTC, so I won't repeat that.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to jump on the other bandwagon instead.
Your posts seem to revolve around what you want, without much thought of what a baby/child needs. What do you think your baby needs (and deserves) from you?
Ideally, children need parents who are in a solid, stable relationship with each other. They need parents who are solvent and who always know where the next month's rent is coming from. They need parents who are happy and fulfilled, with sound MH.
I'm not suggesting that teenage parents can't provide for these needs, and I'm also not suggesting that parents who can't provide all of this have failed- just that it's foolish to start out from a point where none of these are guaranteed.
What's the harm in waiting a few years? Provided you don't have fertility problems, you have plenty of time- absolutely loads. Why the need to rush it?
Pregnancy and birth can ravage your body. Are you prepared for that?
I wish you all the best, whatever you decide. But if you were my daughter, I'd be horrified that you were planning this.
You said "I have everything going for me right now".
So why 'spoil' it by having a baby? I knew I wanted to be a mum from the age of 14. Luckily I have some common sense, and waited until I was 25 - until I had been through a couple of adult relationships, when I had lived by myself, after I had travelled, got my education, worked hard and partied very hard.
If I were you I would wait until I was at least 20.
It is your choice OP, i think that previous posters are just concerned and trying to give you the benefit of their experience. Just not all have expressed themselves in the most tactful way.
If you're as mature as you say, you'll see the sense in taking things a step at a time. After all, there's no rush at 18, is there? Perhaps try living together for 6 months first, just to see what that's like?
I think the advice is to take folic acid for 3 months before conceiving anyway, so this would give you time to do that. Apart from that, you should start living as cleanly as possible - no alcohol or smoking, cut down on caffeine, make sure you're eating a balanced diet and getting enough sleep. All that (apart from the folic acid) applies to your partner as well.
Whether a baby is planned or not doesn't really affect the impact it has on your life. I had my first baby earlier this year at 39, after years of TTC and several IVF cycles. It felt like the emotional equivalent of a nuclear weapon - even at my age, having responsibility for this tiny wonderful person is terrifying at times.
I wish you the best of luck, OP, and hope you make a good decision. I would say that late 20s/early 30s is probably the best time to have a baby if you have the choice, but that doesn't mean that people outside that age can't make good parents. There really is no need to rush into anything at your age, though.
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, I lived in student Accomodation (my own flat where I paid my own bills, good etc) for a year, so? Skippingthroughthefarm please grow up or leave the tread. You sound so immature, learn to spell and make sense of what you're saying before you dictate to me on my grammar. Thanks.
What's a tread OP
Honestly, live with your boyfriend for at least six months before you try to conceive. In that time, begin saving, take folic acid, BOTH of you stop drinking and smoking, visit your GP and tell her you want to conceive in the next couple of years,
What kind of jobs to you and your boyfriend do?
At 18 I had been with my boyfriend for three years, been living together for a year, both worked, and I was beginning my degree. I desperately wanted a baby. He told me he did too, but we would wait until 20 - fair enough. At 20, he told me he didn't really want children but had gone along with it to make me happy... We split up a week later, I moved abroad and had an amazing five years of partying hard, living with a couple of different boyfriends, paying bills and being an 'adult'.
(And good point from skipping, having a baby at a young age does increase your chance of having a child with disabilities).
Are you taking folic acid? If not then start today. You can get it from Boots or any chemist /supermarket.
If you're having regular intercourse without contraception then there's about a 25% chance of getting pregnant in any one month.
That's all really. It's not rocket science.
Other than that, if you intend to return to work after the baby is born then you need to check out childcare costs. This is likely to be the most money you'll have for the next 5 or so years so take that into account when you're working out whether you can afford rent & bills.
If you want more than one child and don't want a big gap then you should also calculate what 2 sets of nursery fees will cost. Most people find that it's beyond their income at that point so do your sums to see if you can afford for one of you to stay at home.
My top tip would be to move in with your partner and wait 3 years. Living with someone who isn't your parents takes some adjustment.
What is your job?
People have given you advice, folic acid, quit smoking/drinking etc, ovulation cycles etc. What else is there to say.
Op why aren't you living together yet ?
Surely if you are as sensible and organised as you say you are you can see that's the first step that needs to be taken.
Move in together and see how that goes first.
Once the baby is born what are your childcare plans ? I am assuming you intend to return to work as you claim you won't be relying on benefits ?
Have you researched that yet as its a huge financial strain.
Plus your manager seems terribly vague on your maternity rights. How long are you entitled to ?
You have to check these things out now not once your pregnant !!!
OP you are fixated on having a baby. A cute little baby you will " love forever ". You will have a baby for such a short space of time. You will have a child, another life with all its complications to take care of along with your own. At 18 are you really ready for that because you don't sound it ?
So what if you've been together since you were 14?
My parents met when they were 4&6, got together at 15&17 and even they waited until 27&29 to have kids. I don't see how being together for 4 years since you were 14 has anything to do with it.
I'm bleeding heavily. I assume this is my period.
You don't know?
"I'm bleeding heavily. I assume this is my period.
You don't know?"
I'm not going to dictate what to do with your life since I'm not your mother and I also don't know your circumstances. I'm going to assume that you are mentally mature enough to have a baby and are fully aware of the consequences of your actions. That you have the finances to have a baby now and once it arrives and that you have a stable relationship in which to bring up that child.
Here is a link to some abbreviations used on this forum so you can understand what I'm saying next:
It's ideal to start taking folic acid and vitamin pills as soon as possible before conception. From what I've read about three months is ideal but I have seen conflicting information on this. I'm currently taking his and hers pregnacare vitamins which should help me be in the best possible health when I start TTC, as well as helping the quality of sperm on the way.
As you are already off your pill, you can start charting your cycle. There are lots of period/fertility apps which can help you do this. You want to get to a point where you know when your next AF is due and also when you are next likely to ovulate.
Research has so far suggested that you should be DTD every other day or at least when you are ovulating. This gives the sperm time to regroup if you like, you don't want to be DTD too often and you don't want to be doing it not often enough as the sperm will get old which reduces the chances of conception.
If you have trouble working out when you are ovulating then you can use ovulation prediction kits (OPK's) which you POAS or dip them whichever you prefer and it should tell you when you have a surge of LH (http://www.fertilityfriend.com/Faqs/Ovulation-Prediction-Kits-(OPKs)-.html)
Other than that, you might want to avoid drinking and cut out smoking just in case.
I think the Netmums crowd might give you a warmer welcome.
Good luck, OP.
You're gonna need it
Having a baby puts huge strain on any relationship, Jael - the advice you have been given here, to live with your boyfriend for at least six months before trying to concieve, is very good advice.
Even better would be to get some more life experience than you have now - honestly, you think you have huge amounts of maturity and experience - but in 10 years time you will look back and boggle at how you could have believed that, I promise you.
You talk about taking up your university place in Paris 'in a few years'. If you get pregnant soon, you would be trying to do that with a pre-schooler in tow - how is that going to work? Will you be leaving your child back in the UK with their dad? Or will you take your preschooler to Paris with you, to a country where they don't speak the language at all, and where they will have to be in childcare whilst you do your university work? Not to mention the fact that university is bloody hard work as it is, without adding parenthood to the mix too.
Yes, people do manage to combine university study and parenthood, but it is much harder than concentrating on one at a time - and it is much easier to do a good job of parenthood if you aren't also trying to fit in your studies, and vice versa.
It is also worth remembering that, whatever career you have, taking a career break to raise a child does have an impact on your career progression, and if you are early on in your career, I think that impact would be greater.
I'm 31, married, was on a good wage (now a SAHM), my husband is on a good wage, we have a house, a car each and it's STILL hard.
My pregnancy was exhausting in a way I can't even begin to describe - you're supposed to have an energy pick up in the 2nd trimester but it didn't happen to me. I got home from work at 5pm and went straight home for a nap. I really began to resent the stairs and wish my house came with an escalator/lift. It was emotionally exhausting, my DH often woke up to me crying in bed because I was so worried about it all.
My labour didn't go to plan. They never do, I don't understand the point of having a birth plan... I had an EMCS and needed a significant amount of family support for the first 6 weeks of dc's life. (For example I was not allowed to lift the car seat or push the buggy) - Are you in a position where you would have enough support from GP/DP to cope if this were the case?
The initial weeks/months of breastfeeding are hard. They. Do. Not. Stop. Feeding. My DH really had to pick up the brunt of the housework or nothing would have got done. Is your partner the type to pitch in or would he let you live in a tip?
7 months down the line and we've settled in to a good routine, but they are so expensive! Yes there is highchair, moses basket, changing table, clothes they will grow out of/puke/poo on - all the additional laundry costs that will entail as well. Baby monitors, nappies, wipes, bottles and formula if you don't end up breastfeeding. Plus if you want to keep a handle on your mental health you want to take the baby to different activities (swimming? baby massage? baby sensory?) they all cost too!
Add to that all the household bills! Rent/mortgage, water, electric (baby must be kept warm at all times), food, tv licence etc etc.
I'm so so glad I waited before having my baby, hopefully no one I know in RL Mnets as I've totally given enough info to out myself, but... I've got my degree. I've travelled and seen some of the world. I've had my party days. Nowadays I have a 6pm curfew on days out as I'm the only one who can put baby to bed.
Please, op, think twice and live a little. Or at least try just moving out first, it takes a while to understand the reality of income vs expenditure and you don't want to get yourself into debt.
Sorry for the long post, but I like so many others, just want you to see the reality of it all.
OP yes you are perfectly capable of being a good mum at 18.
But at 30, when some of your peers are planning their first babies you will feel far too young to be dealing with a pubescent 12 year old.
At 34 you will feel too young to have a 16 yo who may well be planning a baby of her own. Do you really want to be a granny when done of your friends are having their firstborns?
It sounds like you have witnessed some poor parenting in your life. But often this poor parenting has come as a result of the long term consequences of decisions such as having a child when you aren't ready. This isn't about age but about having your own home, a secure commuted relationship, a secure well paid full time job, savings, possibly a car, a plan for childcare. Babies don't need much but as they grow children need a lot that costs £££. There is a reason why most people get tax credits, you are naive if you don't think you'd need them too.
Ask yourself how the child will benefit from being born now rather than in 5 years.
Your responses here show you are anything but mature for your age. You're a typical 18 year old. Nothing wrong with that at all.
£5000 isn't a lot of money in the grand scheme of things. Babies cost a lot. Have you decided where you'll live? Will you get a house before baby arrives or still live between your parents? Do you know that you'll have to pay a deposit if you're privately renting? You then need to pay for utilities, etc. Have you worked out if you can afford it?
Does your well-paid job have a decent maternity package and do you qualify for it? What job does your DP have? Is it secure?
Your life will massively change. You're still so young, whether you consider yourself to be or not and no amount of research can prepare you for what is to come. I'm 28, pregnant with my first and so surprised at how tired, emotional, snappy and uncomfortable I am. I am, however, totally at peace with my decision to have a child now. This feels right for me. Even 2 years ago, it wouldn't have been right. I am so much more grown up now. I look back to my 18 year old self, who thought she was mature, and I laugh my head off. An 18 year old doesn't have the life experience to be mature.
Hey, if this is what you want, then strangers on an internet forum won't change your mind but for someone who is mature and presumably with a good education seeing as you have a good job, you don't seem particularly clued up on how the human body works. You "presume" this is your period? You've stopped taking the pill so you're having a breakthrough bleed. Your periods could return to normal straight away, or they could take months to return.
Your cycle length may vary to start with, or you may go back into a pattern straight away. Your period arrives roughly 14 days after ovulation. You may ovulate early or late depending on a number of hormonal and/or stress factors but if you have a 28 day cycle, you are likely to ovulate on day 14. Your cycle starts from the 1st day of your period. There is something like a 25% chance that sperm meets egg even if you have sex on or around ovulation. That’s it. Get a book like “what to expect before you’re expecting” and read it – you’ll understand more about conception. There is a lot of misinformation around – it isn’t always easy to get pregnant and actually, the conception bit can be the first thing that puts strain on a relationship.
Take Folic Acid now and you need to continue taking this until you are at least 12 weeks pregnant. You also need to take vitamin D. Do not take a multi-vitamin with Vitamin A present.
No idea if you're genuine or not but if you are going to go ahead with having a child at 18 (remember, it's a child who will turn into a teenager and then an adult - they don't stay babies for long) then I at least want you to give them the best start they can have.
Anyway, I see from both your threads that you have been given the same advice ref. conception by other posters and you've pretty much ignored them in favour of calling people immature instead.
Oh I've actually posted this on the wrong thread (see, pregnancy is causing me to be confused too!), I'm referring to things you've mentioned on the thread in the pregnancy section.
Jael please think about what you want to do. I was pregnant at 18 and had my first baby at 19 and it is financially so hard as in no winter coat hard. The housing situation was the worse thing, either scummy landlord or awful high rise council flats. Getting a baby, pram and food shop up seven flights of stairs because the urine soaked lift has broke again is not fun. Roll on yearly 10 years and I had my second at 29. I had a big detached house by then, my dh and I had a car each, I was a SAHM, DH had a good career and you cant compare the 2 experiences of being a mum. Tiredness wise its much harder when you are older but everything else is so much easier. The next few years were lovely too, going to toddler groups and meeting other parents my own age instead of being the young one is a lot more enjoyable. I am mid 40s now with one grown up and 2 nearly grown up children. What is the rush?
Take a pregnancy or conception multi vitamin. You should be taking these at least 6m before you get pregnant so you've got sufficient 'background' levels of the vitamins in your system. Please please do this it's so important for your baby's health.
Please move house BEFORE you get pregnant. I am suffering from HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) - the severe form of morning sickness. Except it's not just nausea, it's debilitating. If I stand up for more than 10 mins at a time I'm sick. I can't do anything. I'm weak as a kitten. Not only am I not well enough to move furniture, there is no way I'd be well enough to do house viewings to pick somewhere to move to. You have to get used to planning for the worst if your going to get pregnant / have a baby, start now. Be realistic about how ill pregnancy might make you.
In the time between now and living in the place where you're going to have your baby, you could try using an app like P-tracker. You input when you are bleeding and it works out your monthly cycle for you and when you're likely to be fertile. Don't start TTC as soon as you come off contraception - it's best to give your body a couple of months to adjust to 'natural' hormones / menstrual cycle before TTC. Also it'll be easier to know when to take a pregnancy test if you know your cycle.
If you and your partner have talked about marriage, so it's not something you object to on principle, I would advise that you get married before having a baby. It makes your legal position much clearer. If you love each other enough to have a baby, why not enough to get married? I would be very suspicious of any man telling me that trying for a baby is more important. Stability is the most important thing. Also, I knew I wanted a baby with DH from about a month after we met, but one of the reasons I wanted to wait until after marriage was coz I wanted to drink at my wedding!!
We started trying the week after our wedding (used condoms for my first cycle off hormone contraception) and it took 3 months, so it can be quick. One of my friends fell pregnant second time she had unprotected sex (!) and another of my friends was trying for 13 months.
I think you need to ask yourself what you've got to offer a child, not just now, but for the rest of their life. You're a child yourself, whether you feel like it or not, with no life experience or wisdom to impart on a new little being. Why on earth would you pass up the opportunity to study in Paris? Picture your daughter at 18, earning her first bit of cash and about set off out into the big wide world, turning round and telling you she wants to throw an opportunity like that away to try for a baby instead. If that was one of my daughters I'd feel like a complete failure as a mother. If they grow up with their only ambition being to be a mum I'd be horrified.
I think there are plenty of things you've perhaps not considered. Can both your salaries stretch to running a family home as opposed to living with your parents? And will one income cover it while you're on mat leave? How about when you return to work? Full time? A nursery will cost you at best £700-£800 a month full time. That doesn't get much better when you're paying after school clubs, activities, clothing a child that grows by the minute.
Can you afford the deposit and fees to buy (£37,500 it cost us to buy our family home - and we still needed to furnish it). If not are you planning to rent? Do you feel that would offer the sort of stability you'd want to raise your child / children in. My BIL & his GF were onto there 3rd rented home by the time baby number 3 arrived and were evicted when he was days old because the landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage on it. They'd ploughed their bit of savings into doing it up as they were as they were hoping to buy it. They know they will never be able to bring 3 children up and save to buy their own home, they can't afford any niceties, nor are they able to save for either their or their children's futures. One of their sons if G&T, they admit they have neither the means or the experience to encourage and support him as GF wanted nothing more than to start a family at 17. How is that fair on their lovely boy?
Or how about my sister who is desperate for a sibling for her daughter but has a tiny home with nowhere to put a second child. Her house value has dropped and they have no savings to move somewhere bigger, but the age gap and her medical conditions are putting pressure on her to start ttc. Does she go for it anyway hoping their situation improves or not, knowing the impact it will have on all of them if things don't work out? What an awful choice to have to make.
Give yourself a few years to live a bit, you've the rest of your life to be a mum, and once you are it's not a role you can step down from.
I wouldn't advise the OP gets married. If she goes ahead with her baby plans the chances of them still being together in 5 years are very slim.
I'm probably feeling a little bit of first trimester rage here but jael get over yourself!!
I am almost. I have been with my partner for 5 years.
We own a house.
He owns a very successful business.
I am doing a work based degree in a very good field of work for a very solid and well known company.
I have just found out I'm pregnant whilst having a coil.
We are NOT ready!
We wanted to travel, and for me to finish my degree and pay a few more years of the mortgage before we started trying.
You are too young! That is advice, like it or lump it.
Posted too soon.
Why don't you explain to everyone about this marvellous job that will see you through the hardest and most challenging time in any woman's life?
Maybe explain how you will pay for everything when you aren't working,
Or what qualifications you have that won't be expired and useless by the time you look for work again??
You need to wake up and grow up
deepblue I think that's very harsh. With respect guys, none of you know the OP. OP and OH might be a forever couple. None of us have even met them, we don't know.
I don't understand why getting married would make the situation worse? Let's say she does have a baby. In the reality of her situation, she suddenly realises she doesn't want to go back to work ASAP. OH gets s payrise, they decide they can afford for her to be a SAHM. They break up two years later. I'm not a lawyer, but it's my understanding from other threads that a married SAHM who gets divorced is likely to end up in a better financial position than a SAHP who was 'just' (sorry, no rudeness intended) cohabiting with the other parent. Also, sounds awful, but what if he dies? Again, wouldn't she be better off if she was his wife?
Planning and waiting for a wedding can really bring you together as a couple. It forces you to communicate about something which you might have wildly different ideas on. It forces you to budget and be realistic about how much money you have and what you can afford. It makes you prioritise. It makes you deal with the others family - often wedding planning is when you start saying no to MIL for example. All things that are important to practice before getting pregnant, I would have thought. It doesn't have to be expensive, OP, and can be a lot cheaper than a baby!
Unless you object to marriage on idealistic grounds, I simply cannot see why you wouldn't be better off as married parents rather than unmarried parents
getting ready for a flaming
It's not harsh. Marriages are costly. Divorces expensive and messy. Marriages amongst young people are twice as likely to end in divorce.
I cant believe how rude some people have been to a girl asking for honest advice.
There is no need to be rude and at least she is asking advice before rushing into it.
Jael Im 25 started ttc 15 months ago and due to me not ovulating we havent managed to get pg yet.
I have always wanted a child and I wouldnt care what age I had one.
Even now ive been with my dp for 5 years we own a house 2 cars and are both working, we been travelling and had our 'fun BUT I would still have had a child earlier because I know no matter what I would have made sure any child would have had anything they wanted and a family that loved them.
It is up to you when you are ready and good luck to you.
The only part I do agree with is living with your dp for a while first, men are not easy to live with and it takes a while to get used to.
To everyone else being nasty because she is 18 for hundreds of years women have had children from a very early age and managed it, most of you wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for that fact.
" hundreds of years women have had children from a very early age and managed it, most of you wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for that fact."
Yes- many of these children were raised in abject poverty, malnourished, lice ridden. Living in overcrowded conditions. Women often died young or in childbirth.
Having children later is aligned to better maternal and infant health.
Yes, for hundreds of years women had children early - doesn't make it a good decision, I'm pretty sure most of those women in the olden days didn't have much choice. They got married, had babies and were housewives. They didn't have the chance to study in Paris, to save money, to actually build a career, to make life as secure as possible before a another human arrives on the scene who is totally dependant on you.
I didnt grow up in a family where we were rich and owned a house etc.
My mum had just turned 20 when she had me, my nan was 17 when she had her and my great nan 18 when she had her and yet were all healthy, we had happy child hoods.
I would change my upbringing for the world.
If Jael chooses to have children it is her choice and im glad that shes asking advice, im just sorry she had replies from some of you.
Give her advise but dont be rude!!! Some of you are acting like children!!
Shamelessly marking place in case this one gets updated rather than the other!
Having secure accommodation was the biggie for me. I coped well emotionally and physically at 19 but the constant moving was the hardest thing. Even lack of money wasn't as bad as the housing situation. I moved during my university course because the landlord hadn't paid his mortgage and once just after ( we managed to buy a house) and that isn't ideal with a DC.
There were many unhappy childhoods too though. many children were raised in damp, squalid and overcrowded conditions. the fact that they survived to reproduce is no glory.
Hahahah can I just point out that it's a known fact that younger parents do a better job that old parents because younger people can handle the stress a lot better than older people and as for actual pregnancy it's a lot easier on a younger more energetic body than an older one. So I think you people should do some of your own research.
Hahahah can I just point out that it's a known fact that younger parents do a better job that old parents because younger people can handle the stress a lot better than older people and as for actual pregnancy it's a lot easier on a younger more energetic body than an older one. So I think you people should do some of your own research.
If you can find a piece of academic research that proves this, please share. I wish to be enlightened.
Deepblue That can be said for any age and any type of person your argument isn't valid.
Just because someone is young doesn't mean they are not completely capable and maybe even a better parent than some older people.
"...To everyone else being nasty because she is 18 for hundreds of years women have had children from a very early age and managed it, most of you wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for that fact...."
Blueberry - for most of those hundreds of years, women didn't have the chance to get a good education, to the same level,as,the men of their time. Nor did they have careers. We now think at both education and a career are good things for a woman to have, and whilst it is by no means impossible to achieve these having had a baby at 18, it is certainly a damned sight harder.
All we are saying is that the OP should be making the most of these opportunities before starting a family - there is plenty of time for her to be taking on the responsibilities of parenthood, after she's had the fun of university and starting a career, up encumbered by these responsibilities.
Honestly, if one of my dc had a choice between parenthood and studying in Paris, I would be shoving their passport into their hands and putting them on a Eurostar!
What is your career if you don't mind me asking?
You have been accepted to university in Paris? Go! For the love of god woman take it! What an opportunity! That will never come again.
Honestly, my non judgemental advice is get a flat together, live together for a year at least then start trying.
Can you link to that study jael?
Having had a baby in my teens, 20's and 30's I found my pregnancy had the same impact on my body. Almost identical labours, birth weights etc. What I did find different was my tiredness increased and energy levels decreased as I got older. But obviously everyone is different.
SDT then say it nicely there are a select few on here being purely spiteful and that is just childish.
Right, I have savings- I have a car, I currently work in a bank, I also have a second job doing freelance photography, which is why I have traveled a lot already due to photoshoots, I earn 9.80 an hour at the bank working around 37 hours a week, currently. My freelance job earns me around 300-400 a month, I am now looking at flats and I am headin out on Sunday (my day off) to look at some places in the two local cities. Yes I have taken onboard the living together idea. I can give my child love, care, clothes food, I'm sorry but if my heart is in this and I want to give a baby, my baby everything I can, even if it meant I didn't have a winter coat. If I'm willing to give up my 20's etc to bring up a child with the best upbringing I possibly can(which what I'm seeing is pretty good compared to most teenage pregnancies) then what's the issue. My boyfriend earns around £700 a week, he works 5 days a week. We aren't just going to break apart. If we do we have spoken about what would happen. We do really want to get married but we want our savings to go toward bringing a new life into this world rather than securing our life's together. I am not naive. If I didn't think he was in this for real I wouldn't even think about having a baby with him. We've been talking about this for over a year and been actually planning this for the last 3 months. So please someone explain to me the problem?
Jael - you can't know what it is going to be like living together until you do it - which is why people are saying you should live with your dp for 6-12 months before trying for a baby.
And do you think it will be realistic to go and study in Paris with a pre-schooler in tow? How will you afford childcare? How will your child cope with childcare in a language they don't speak?
If you choose a child over studying in Paris, do,you think you could end up regretting having passed up that opportunity?
Do you think it is as easy to study at university level with a child as it is without? Do you think you can get all that university has to offer - not just the academic side, but the social and leisure side too - with a child in tow?
Your criteria for being a good Mum seems mainly based on being better than the "worst" patemts, as if that makes your situation ideal. I'm sorry but that's not how it works.
You're not listening to those of us with children who are greatful for the opportunities we have had in our 20s, or those who wish they had the chances you do.
You can be a great Mum at 18. Imagine how great you will be at 28 - with your own home, security, a thriving business.
You are at risk of limiting your life
Leading horses to water and getting them to drink springs to mind here.
OP - you've had good advice about actually conceiving wrt your health. To recap:
1) Quit any bad habits (drinking, smoking, cut down on caffeine intake)
2) Start eating better
3) Start taking Folic Acid at the very least, if not pregnancy vitamins
4) Cost up how much baby equipment, childcare, etc. is likely to cost so you can figure out what to do with maternity leave
5) Look up your employers maternity leave policy. My old employer had a staggered policy depending on how long you had been employed for. It influenced my TTC with DS because if I waited 3 months to start (provided I got pregnant first try, which is unlikely but could have happened) from when I first looked it meant I got an extra 6 months full pay.
6) Get into an exercise routine of some sort that you can keep up through pregnancy.
7) Get an app (I'm using Glow at the moment, I really rate it) that helps you track your fertility.
I wish you the best of luck with any future pregnancies, I genuinely do. Having a baby is hands down the best thing I've done with my life. I had DS at 23. It is sometimes hard seeing the lives of my friends compared to mine though. They get to travel, they have exciting careers, they can do whatever they like whenever they like. I got my hair cut for the first time in a year yesterday and had an hour to myself, when they wouldn't even make a fuss about that. Please don't underestimate how hard it is, and how isolating it can be if none of your friends have babies.
Your baby will be planned, yes, but I really would advise that you move in with your boyfriend before you get pregnant - it makes it so much easier to have his support there all the time, particularly when pregnancy isn't the most fun experience in the world. And moving with a newborn is a pain in the arse. Ideally, get married first to protect yourself and your child (I should have taken that advice myself, DP and I aren't married and because we have DS to pay for it's unlikely we'll have the money for it anytime soon!).
I don't really understand why you've started these threads though. If you just wanted advice on how to get pregnant then why bring your age into it... twice? Why not just read some of the other threads on trying to conceive? Look things up online? Speak to a doctor? Sorry if I'm wrong but it seems like you're just trying to provoke a reaction.
Seriously Jael, get a grip of yourself, you haven't had a baby so you don't know what you are talking about. How dare you claim to know better than other mums who are sharing their thoughts? (....advice that you asked for!).
If you are so arrogant at 18 years old as to think you know best about everything then go ahead and get on with it but I'd definitely NC before you come bleating onto MN asking for advice/support if it goes tits-up.
A lot of folk on this thread have given you practical, thoughtful advice and you've done nothing but reply in a self absorbed, righteous and petulant manner which is why IMO some people have started to be bitchy....you reap what you sow.
I would also love to see where you are getting your information about young parents being better than older parents....what a crock of shit. By older....do you mean not a teenager?? Also what a hypocrite you are, from the very start of this thread you have wanted to be considered as an individual regardless of your age and but now you are claiming that actually age is important...indecisive much?!?
I don't want to be rude, OP, really (tho' I'm another one who was twice your age before having my first DC). But can I ask what your income is, and your DP's? And what your careers are? I just wonder how 'good' an income can be at your ages. I am not sure if you really know the cost of living independently. £8k in savings doesn't go very far in setting up an entire family life.
I think the OP and her partner are on a joint income of about 55k if my calculations are correct.
myusernameis I suspect the multiple threads and defensiveness is because OP wants this so badly, anyone who gets in her way is called rude or condescending. Afaik they are just being realistic and brutally honest.
Her partner is on £36,400 (based on £700p/w) but no indication if this is before or after tax. She's on £18,345 a year (based on 36 x 9.80p/w) plus freelance photography of up to £400 a month.
It sounds like you've already made your mind up so I won't try to change your mind. Just two main bits of advice:
1.) Conception vitamins! Folic acid at the very least.
2.) Move in with the bf BEFORE getting pregnant. You will not want to deal with that once you are!
well they are earning more than most people I know and probably put some of the people on here to shame as well.
Thanks for the sums Neville!
Thanks for the update OP, you seem a lot more reasonable when you actually answer the questions that are being put to you.
As a teen mum myself the advice I would give is to save like mad, you are on pretty good money and it would lovely if you could buy a 2 bedroom home.
I meant I was a teen mum, I'm 45 now!
The OP also has this thread going and is updating on there
I would be interested to see this study Jael says 'proves' young parents are superior to,older ones in all ways.
I have no doubt that, in some ways, it is better to have your babies younger - more energy to cope with the tiredness of pregnancy and the hard, hard work of early parenthood, for example. But there are other areas in which an older person, with more experience and/or a better education will be a better parent than a younger person.
Jael - what, if any, of the advice from this thread are you going to consider?
- moving in with your partner and settling into living together as a couple before trying for a baby.
- looking at your employers' maternity leave policies.
- pre-natal vitamins and folic acid for several months before trying to conceive.
- costing the equipment you will need, and the costs of nursery care if you are going to go back to work after maternity leave.
Neville how do you know what the OP's earnings are if you don't mind me asking?
Because she posted them at 15:29, taking that post at face value. Don't worry, I've not got a hand where my small intestine should be .
Never thought that I thought she had PMed you as I missed that post
"Also I did not complete my ALevels I got half marks from that"-
so much for "good qualifications".
well they are earning more than most people I know and probably put some of the people on here to shame as well.
Pur people on here to shame how exactly?
Sorry to keep harping on the marriage point but I don't understand why you think your choice is baby or marriage. What's wrong with moving in together for 6 months, then planning a wedding say for 9 months time. You could set aside the savings you have now as being for the wedding and save for the baby in the year and a bit you will be waiting to get married. If you have savings now you are capable of saving more in the future, right?
Once you have a baby you are very unlikely to have the money magically appear for a wedding. Is having a baby right now as opposed to, say, 2 years time so important to you that you are prepared to never get married, or put it off for ten, twenty years time? I know waiting for something you want is horrible, but you are young enough that you don't have to worry about your fertility going downhill for another 15, 20 years. There is really is enough time to save for and do both - marriage and babies - you don't have to choose.
My ALevels weren't good I admit, I'm not great with exams, hence why I went on and did my diploma, which finished in may, no exams, I got full marks or every project due to extra work etc. Also,
Jael - what, if any, of the advice from this thread are you going to consider?
- moving in with your partner and settling into living together as a couple before trying for a baby. as I have said I have taken this onboard and I've been looking for places in my lunch hour, and I've rung 'your move' and they're going to take me out on Sunday with the boyfriend to look at some places in Plymouth and then the following Sunday around Exeter. Hopefully things will go on from there.
-* looking at your employers' maternity leave policies.* I've spoken to my boss and she said I am entitled to maternity leave but we haven't currently had an in depth conversation that's probably something I would have to sit with her in lunch etc to speak about as I assume it might be along conversation with me asking plenty of questions.
- pre-natal vitamins and folic acid for several months before trying to conceive. I have been taking folic acid for over a year due to personal reasons, I actually have recently been to boots, and chemists recently to look at the kind of pregnancy vitamins they sell and prices and what's best etc.
- costing the equipment you will need, and the costs of nursery care if you are going to go back to work after maternity leave. Luckily my family are very hands on with my and my boyfriend so I have a supportive family that are there if child care falls through (yes I have spoken to them about it and they are more than happy) plus I would much rather my child be in the hands of my family. I have looked at costs, a close friend of mine who was in my recent course had a year old child. Again equipment, my savings will be going towards that, I have been looking at a lot of products and I think it would be a case of buying things bit by bit each week/month across the 9 months.
So back to the whole giving you advice here is what I would personally advise
Stay with your respective parents for one more year. Don't have a baby yet but instead spend the next 12 months saving up the money that you don't have to spend on bills/rent etc to get yourself a deposit for a house.
That year you will learn to budget and learn how to enjoy your time more as a couple and both grow up a bit.
After that yes go for it but with your salaries after 12 months of living at home with no baby you should be able to save a fortune!! Then you can provide your baby with much more and be wiser and more experienced as well
It just seems really young. There's so many more opportunities and experiences out there that would be harder if you had a baby. You mentioned going to Paris to Uni. How would that work if your had a baby.
Who will look after the baby when you go back to work - can you afford childcare?
Being a parent is great it opens lots of doors but it closes others.
You've been very forceful about why you want to do this, what are your reasons for not waiting?
I'd wait and save up for a deposit to buy a place. Then you could be 20 or 21with your own home and baby as opposed to 19, renting with a baby. Saving and paying rent is so hard. It's a no brainer for me.
I've always wanted at child. I know I have a lot of things going for me right now, uni etc, but in a few years time, who knows? I could even move to Paris. I don't know where my life's going to go all I know is that as long as I can keep my baby happy, I'm happy. I may sound childish, stubborn, selfish. But this really is what I want and if I can give my baby a good upbringing, why not?
Do you just want one baby or two or three close together?
Jael, your employer (I mean the organisation as a whole) should have a written maternity policy that sets out what the company will/won't do and what is expected of you. This should be available from your HR dept. You don't need an in depth meeting with your immediate line manager. They should also have a written flexible working policy should you wish to request to return to work part time. Again available from your HR dept. These policies may also be available on your company's intranet or similar if they have one.
but in a few years time, who knows? I could even move to Paris. I don't know where my life's going to go
Surely that is something you would have thought about if planning a family? Does your boyfriend know he might be moving to paris? Giving up his job?
You havent explained why its not possible to wait until you are in a better position. What benefit is there to havjng the child now as opposed to in a year or two when you have a home together and a better idea of how you get along living together and sorting finances?
Thankyou, I've barely even spoken about it at work but yes I will look into that. And also for now, just the one- maybe in a few years or more I will think about more.
Did you get uni offers with just AS levels?
We have a good enough income to cover finances now. My boyfriend is sat with my now so he is aware of everything I've said. He wanted to move to America in the future the little dreamer. (Yes I am aware that is a fantasy) and why now? Because this is a fantastic time for me. Right now I feel I'm in a good mindset for this to happen. Also I've been waiting and I really do want this and I feel I can support the baby as of now
No I got the offers based on my predicted grades etc coming out of my diploma that I've just finished. And if I got the grades I got the place, which I exceeded the grades I needed.
Jael I know lots of girls your age, I teach in a secondary school.
All of them have different ideas about the future, but the vast majority are looking to 'set themselves up' and realise a few ambitions before settling down.
I had DS 19 months ago (I'm 33). He is amazing (biased). BUT I am eaten up with worry and guilt all the time. Am I doing this right? Will I mess him up? Am I asking too much of my parents if I ask for help? what if he gets ill? Is he eating properly? Whats that rash he's got? It literally never ends.
Be carefree for a couple of years at least. Please. Because your life starts again when you have a LO, and the opportunity to have no worries will never be yours again.
I have a family member who has been with his partner since both were 14. When they were 18 they started talking about buying a house together and were sure this was what they wanted. So family member's parents very generously paid a deposit and 6 months rent on a flat for them to test out living together before comitting to a mortgage. They lasted 7 weeks together in the flat. Arguments over bills and money, housework and how each was spending free time. Interestingly whilst living at separate homes they both wanted nothing more than to spend every single minute together, then when they actually got that they found that was actually a bit claustrophobic at 18 and both wanted to still socialise with separate friends which caused resentment and rows. The couple gave up the flat and moved back home for another few years, did the partying and travelling thing and then felt ready to settle down around 22 so again rented together.
A fantastic time for you right now? You are fresh out of school and still living with your parents. Are you even engaged to your boyfriend or is that another thing you have just 'talked' about?
Your boyfiend wants to go to the US and you want Paris? Another 'talk' you need to have there i think.
IM LOOKING AT FLATS/HOUSES ON SUNDAY (not shouting just making sure it's seen) I don't feel that will happen with me and my boyfriend however. It might take me 3 months to fall pregnant. I've decided not to try until a deposit etc is put onto a house because I don't want to be pregnant with that kind of stress so yes I am waiting but no not for 6months- 1 year.. For as long as it takes me to settle into my own place with my partner
Do you think childish, stubborn and stupid (your words) are the best attributes for a good parent?
You sound very mature OP and have responded in a dignified way to the naysayers on here. Best of luck with your baby and future career. You will be young enough to rebuild your career if you have 2 children once they are at full time school. Many people spend time fucking about at uni and not knowing what they want to do in their early 20s before knuckling down to it. You sound like you know what you want and where you are going. Not having babies in late teens/ early 20s is a fairly modern development when it became more normal for women to have a career. Many of the women posting on here will have had mothers who had children at your age and not much older. They coped and you will have opportunity. Having children at any age has a real possibility to have a negative impact on earning and career.
It easily takes 6 months to settle into your first home. First time living independently, first time living with a partner etc.
You know you could live there 12 months, be 9 months pregnant and have to leave and find a new place? (and need to have another deposit for your next flat before you get your old one back?)
I've got to give you some credit - you have come back and faced the music and it seems you are actually considering some of what has been said. You seem very determined to go ahead with this course of action so best wishes to you. Let's hope when you look back at your life in twenty years that you were right and things turned out as you expected. But life has a way of taking "plans" and turning them upside down.... But hey, it sounds like you have the perfect back up plan in that your family is happy to raise your baby.
Jael you said you would be looking at flats in plymouth and exeter, now they are rather far apart. Have you spoken to your families regarding this impending pregnancy? What support network do you have if you intend on retur kng to work etc? And are you costing for 1 child or havenyou thought about any subsequent children?
I had my first at 22 then at 25. The two things i wished i had done prior was , get married, so i could get hammered and actually have a honeymoon. The honeymoon went out the window due to kids and secondly and very important, i wish we had bought a house. I really emphasise that one, we have made certain choices that mean we will be in rented for rather a long time and i just want my own home, its because we made yhe decisionthat our funds go towards their schooling. Think about the practicalities. By allmeans have children, but set yourself up first. And i thinkyoull find that older mums may not have so much energy but they are a damn sight wiser and more patient! Coming from a younger mum.
Yes because you'll be settled in within a couple of weeks
Wait until the first few bills come in.
And something in your house or flat breaks.
And then you want pregnancy on top of that?
Best of luck to you...
Ok so this young adult would like a baby, I can't offer any more advice on how to do this but I can share a story which I agree isn't the same for everyone but it's a concern of my own.
A midwife relative once told me that 14 is actually the age a woman's body is prime for hosting a baby.
Every year from then your ability decreases.
I decided I would wait, get married, own a home, enjoy myself, travel, at 27 I decided I was 'ready' 3 years later and I fell pregnant with my gorgeous daughter . ( I bled the entire pregnancy and she was under birth weight and has a heart defect.)
Since then I have continued to try for 3 and half years for another, sadly however we have had nothing but 6 miscarriages.
I have been given the title of unexplained infertility? Could it have been partly due to my age and being ever so slightly more sensible? Apparently so.
Now the OP may be at a stage where she mentally feels she is ready, non of us can say how she is feeling they are her feelings to be had just because we all didn't feel like that doesn't make them wrong, or us wrong. The world would be a boring place,
I have met some wonderful mummies very old and very young and they both have made beautiful well rounded children.
In an ideal world yes marriage , house and plenty of money is fab but non of this makes for a better bought up child surely?
Now for you OP if it's what you really want and you can visualise bringing a child up on your own as not saying it will happen but it does ( trust me happened to me as lovely husband left me ) then go for it, they are the most costly, time consuming, patience testing little bundles of love you will ever experience.
try before you buy comes to mind. see if you are both compatible in the bedroom first before trying for a baby...
I personally don't see anything wrong with having a baby at 18. I wish I'd started younger due to health reasons, tbh. It's possible to have your children young and sort out a career later on. I know one mum who has five children and she's 26. She's also a student midwife!! It can be done.
Exeter and Plymouth are 40 mins apart, I love in Exeter my boyfriend lives in Plymouth, I used to catch the bus every day from Exeter to Plymouth and still do a lot now
My concern for you as a parent Jael, is that you seem to have a very set attitude, and attack others who disagree with your choices.
So how might you react to perceived criticism about:
Your child's weight
Your child's diet
The clothes your child wears
The behaviour your child exhibits?
Have you looked into raising a child? Not just a cute immobile baby?
Have you considered more children? Parenting school age children in your early twenties? Have you thought about being a wohp or a sahp, considered childcare?
There is much more to becoming a mum than pregnancy and cute babies, and I just wonder if in all your planning, you have considered that this is not just the rest of your life, but the rest of the child's life?
Do you feel, that you can be the best parent you can be, at this age - that there is nothing you could do/learn which might enrich your child's experience of you as a mum?
Having read all the posts, I do think, Jael, that you are doing the right thing to ask other mums for insight and advice. Lots of teenage mums have ended up in that situation by complete accident and are utterly unprepared to be parents. You do seem to be in a relatively good position and to have thought about things to a certain extent.
I would still say that you need to live as a couple with your boyfriend for a while before becoming pregnant. I think you have taken this on board so I won't bash on about it.
What I will say is that, for me, I changed a huge amount from when I was 18 to ten years later. I had done a huge amount of different things and learnt a lot about myself and the world. Having a wealth of life experience really helps with dealing with the challenges of being a parent. That's not to say you wouldn't be a good parent now, but it may be harder and more challenging.
Jael- you know, it's not about age.
It is physically easier having a baby at your age than 10 years later.
I had one of my DCs young and there were advantages.
However you will spend your life up against people like on this thread. People will look at you and your DC and make judgements about you. They will assume your DC was an accident/mistake. They will assume you are in benefits/in a council house/wc.
It's just not the don't thing nowadays to plan a child in your teens.
If you have the job/ house/ relationship sorted though I wouldn't advise against just based on age.
But you aren't cohabiting so I still say your relationship still has to pass this test before you should ttc.
There's something about this thread that puts me in mind of This Sketch
OP, I don't know if you're for real or not, but 18 is very young to be planning a baby when you don't even live with your partner. SO I'm very pleased you seem to be re-considering on this point. I really don't think you know someone well enough to decide you want to co-parent with them, until you've lived with them.
Have a baby young if that's what you want - plenty do, and it can work out fine even if unplanned. But fgs, if you're planning it have the basics in place. Be living with your partner, (preferable married imo)be financially independent from your parents, as a couple. Work out how you'll cope/make decisions regarding money/childcare/going back to work and so on. The first few years of a child's life do fly by - imagine your baby going to school, being a petulant 5/7/12 yr old/teen. It's not just feeds and nappy changes - this is 24/7 for the next 18yrs+ And babysitters every time you fancy a drink in the pub/meal out/catch a film at the cinema.
The sketch above is very funny - because you really don't know what it's like until you're a parent. Life changes beyond all recognition. I know what wanting a baby feels like - but wanting isn't always enough to make you a good parent in the long run. I married and had first baby at 30, and I am soooo glad I had my carefree 20's now - they are great years.
And if you don't want to sound immature on MN - then don't call posters with years- decades even -more experience of marriage and children, who are giving you sage advice "immature"...
Like another poster above I also don't understand why it was necessary or relevant to bring your age into this at all.
You posted this bit:
I'm 18, just recently turned 18. I'm trying for a baby with my boyfriend, we have been planning this all for the last 6 months, this really is what we want, we have a good income (we don't currently have any benefits and we plan to not rely on them)
When all you really needed to say was this bit:
I am trying for a baby. I came off my mini pill 1 week ago, I'm having heavy bleeding now, I presume this is my period.what do I need to know, what's important. I've googled and googled but I want really advice. How long do you think it will take for me to fall pregnant etc?
That would have given you all the practical advice you needed with no judgement.
You say you didn't come here for life advice, that you are not interested in listening to people's opinions or having to defend your choices. Fair enough.....so why completely unnecessarily provoke people into a making those judgements by furnishing them with all this apparently irrelevant background information?
I don't think you sound especially immature, no more or less than any 18 year old, but the wording of your first post gives you away rather. It is not really the work of a well rounded adult with their head screwed on, I'm afraid. It sounds like the work of a naive, stubborn, idealistic teenager trying to convince everyone they are a mature adult by saying 'look how sensible I am.'
The irony is that it shows us who you really are, (the teenager) and not the person you are trying to portray yourself as (the mature, got-it-all-together adult.)
I am also a bit confused about these jobs and qualifications you have, and the timeframe that all this has happened in.
You are only just 18, you say you started doing AS/A levels and that your exams 'were not good.' So did you switch to the diploma after doing too poorly at AS to continue to A2, or did you switch without finishing AS levels? Aren't diploma courses usually 2 years? If you had some offers from unis that can only have been for this coming academic year due to your age, so surely you are only just finishing sixth form college now like most other 18 years olds?
So how have you managed to do that and fit in a full time job in a bank? You can't have worked there for very long at all, it just doesn't make sense.
Also, I don't know how old your boyfriend is or what he does for a living but that is some seriously good money you are apparently earning between you there. Frankly, it's a bit unbelievable. How long have these amounts actually been coming in for, and are they stable jobs with contracted hours?
Anyway, look....whatever the answers to any of the above, it makes no difference; fact, fiction, fantasy, wishful thinking, massaging or the truth, whatever.
If you've made up your mind you want a baby you will go ahead and have one, no matter what anyone older and wiser tells you, and even if you are actually in the most ridiculously unstable, emotionally dysfunctional, poverty stricken and inappropriate set-up ever because (sadly) that's what many teenagers (and plenty of stupid adults) do all the bloody time. Their primal, biological, selfish urges somehow trample over any tiny bit of common sense they may have and they JUST CAN'T WAIT so they do it anyway. Because apparently, so long as you luv ur bubba wiv all ur heart for ever and ever, everything else will just magically fall into place.
So good luck with that. But be prepared.
Be prepared to probably not be with your baby's father by the time you are 22.
Be prepared to hate his guts in a few years as you struggle as a single mum in a grotty rented house and he leads the life of Riley, making up for lost time and those years of feeling 'trapped' and 'tied down too young.'
And then be prepared to sit back and watch as he settles down and has kids with someone else, and suddenly he can't give your child much money or much attention anymore, because he needs it for his 'wife and family'.
Be prepared to never take that uni place, or to feel completely mentally and emotionally exhausted as you juggle taking your degree with being a single mum.
Be prepared to always be a bit broke and a bit fed up and a bit resentful of other young women your age with their glamorous, carefree, fun filled lives.
Be prepared to go through long periods of loneliness, punctuated by a succession of useless boyfriends because none of them will commit to you and your child, while you watch other women your age travelling the world, having great social lives and then settling down and buying lovely houses with great blokes with good jobs, and having the fairy tale.
And most of all be prepared to feel a bit foolish when you look back and remember this thread. Because all the stuff I've just said there ^ is the harsh reality, for many many women who thought they knew it all at 18, and didn't see the point of waiting for a baby, just like you.
Hindsight truly is a wonderful thing, and the most wonderful thing of all is that you have the opportunity to learn from other people's. But you won't. No-one ever does.
If you want pregnancy advice rather than the advice on here OP, why don't you book an appointment with a private midwife, read up on the internet, buy books, speak to someone you know who has had a baby. There are loads of sources of info. You are getting stroppy with people who are giving you really good advice IMO. I stand by my earlier post and agree with the majority of other posters who say that you should wait and enjoy your carefree life. Even if just for another 2/3 years, although I would suggest another 10 really.
*A midwife relative once told me that 14 is actually the age a woman's body is prime for hosting a baby.
Every year from then your ability decreases.*
Sorry, but that it a load of bollocks Dildoos.
And hopon is a very wise woman.
Don't forget life insurance (work it out to at least cover childcare for the entire childhood & a few years of living expenses, incase surviving spouse has to give up work as a minimum) & wills.
And hopon is a very wise woman
She certainly is, and that advice should be required reading for anyone in your position.
She's just sat there and told me my relationship won't last. You don't know me or my boyfriend, you can't say that at all haha. Just because that happened to you or someone you know, doesn't mean fa.
I literally cannot be bothered to give any of you a minute more of my time. Thankyou for all the personal messages from people that agree taking me seriously. I haven't lied once. I don't have to explain myself to a bunch of immature parents. I'm sorry but when I have my baby the last thing I will be going to do is sitting online bitching with a bunch of online people. Goodbye
It does though jael, because this thread is fuill of wise women who have a lot of life experience, and we all know how it feels to be 18.
You don't know that your relationship will last- none of us do, but the chances are poor when embarking on such a life changing event at 18 when you have no real stability in your relationship.
(or should that be [groan]?)
Just think Jael, if you hadn't mentioned age at all, you'd have got the info you wanted and no grief.
You live and learn. Whatever you choose to do, make good choices, look after yourself and your baby, and make sure you have enough money to go it alone if the worst happens. (Would be my advice to women of any age).
Good luck jael- you will need it. In 6 years time you will cringe if you stumble upon this thread again- by then yo uwill see that the "immature parents" on this thread are actually trying to help you.
Why would they want to come and pour cold water on your plans otherwise? Jealousy? Because they are all nasty?
No- it's because they are speaking the truth and trying to warn you as you are about to make a monumental cock up of your life.
"I literally cannot be bothered to give any of you a minute more of my time. Thankyou for all the personal messages from people that agree taking me seriously. I haven't lied once. I don't have to explain myself to a bunch of immature parents. I'm sorry but when I have my baby the last thing I will be going to do is sitting online bitching with a bunch of online people. Goodbye"
And you wonder why we think you are immature!
It's quite sad - I actually feel sorry for jael. We all know what it is like to be broody- most of us are mothers after all, but to see an 18 year old making such a decision when she could have the world at her feet for years before settling down
I hope the boyfriend stays around, but given his age and the fact that he has already voiced his desire to travel to the US, is looking unlikely.
It won't take more than six months into a new flat, prenthood, dirty nappies, sleepless nights for resentment to creep in of what could have been, for one or both.
I know it can sometimes work and 18 year old mothers are as devoted and caring any any mother but I feel the chances are low.
sorry to be an old cynic.
Jael, the way to deal with people disagreeing with you on an anonymous online forum is to either ignore them, or reply calmly explaining why you disagree.
You have been very defensive and argumentative when there really was no need. You could simply have stated your position and explained (calmly) why people were making wrong assumptions about your current situation. As several people have said, you could have asked all your questions without bringing your age into it, and people would not have been able to question the wisdom of deciding to become a parent at 18.
I genuinely wish you the best of luck in the future. Raising children is a very worthwhile thing to do, but it isn't the only worthwhile thing to do with your life. It sounds like you are turning down some opportunities that may not come around again, and those of us that have more life experience than you are simply saying that your late teens and early 20s are the perfect time to get out there and take some of those opportunities.
Oh good she's done one !! as fun as that was she was drawing it out a bit telling us all how immature we are
made her immature saying it the way she did Oh well people its back to our boring lives doing things half assed because we don't have a clue what were doing and know nothing because were all so old and immature
Please don't kid yourself into thinking that being young means your body can handle it better. I had a baby at 18 and was put on bed rest from 31 weeks. I then nearly died giving birth. I was perfectly healthy. And get all this "in a few years" crap out your head. It won't happen and if it does it will be ten times harder and ten times more expensive because after you have a baby anything you want to do for yourself revolves completely around childcare. There is no rush. What's one more year to really really think about it. You aren't ready, no first time mum really is but you can be more prepared, if you rush this you will force yourself to be ready, and that doesn't mean you won't be a good mum but it will be unnecessarily hard.
hopon as much as your post terrifies me, it's excellent advice because I can well see how it would happen. DD was born 2 months ago and all I can do is feel thankful that he's a few years older than me, because had he been my age, I think the dirty nappies and lack of sex and the responsibilities he's had to take on throughout pregnancy and in the early days would've made him run a mile. Even with him here, it's so difficult, and yet Jael has it set in her head that it's going to be sooo easy.
Outside of Mumsnet, I haven't admitted to anyone but my mum how difficult and lonely it is - because it makes you sound like you don't love your baby. I adore DD, wouldn't be without her - but it is hard, and it is lonely, and it isn't what I would've chosen my life to be like at 19. I think that's why people think it's easy - because younger mums don't admnit that it's tough, for fear of either being told 'I told you so', or 'You clearly don't love your child then'. So then people like Jael think oh, it's so easy, it's what I want.
As I said on the other thread, I have little interest in travelling, and while I like going out, I don't drink much other than the odd glass of wine or southern comfort & lemonade, not keen on foreign holidays etc - but there's still so many things that you can make the most of before settling down and having a baby. Things like going out somewhere without it being a military operation. Having a tidy house . Living together with your boyfriend and watching a film (or a TV programme!) the whole way through without getting up to get a bottle or change a nappy, being able to go swimming for more than 10 minutes at a time, going to the gym with your boyfriend, being able to go out for lunch without packing 10 billion bottles and nappies and toys.
I could go on and on but I've already done numerous blog posts about the difference a newborn makes to your life, especially when you're young, and I can't be bothered to repeat myself again. Good luck, and I'm sure when you're sitting at home, alone with your baby because your boyfriend's at work, the support has slowly but surely disappeared and you're surrounded with poo and tears and milk (you can disbelieve me now but just you wait), you won't need any support or company from forums like Mumsnet.
Just think Jael, if you hadn't mentioned age at all, you'd have got the info you wanted and no grief.
Nah, her immaturity shines through in her posting style. I he hadnt mentioned her age the first response would have been "how old are you? You seem quite young"
moomin, what a lovely,honest, refreshing post. It has made me think.
Motherhood can be hard for all mothers regardless of age, but I do think it is particularly difficult for teenagers. It is a big adjustment for all of us- and I smile when you talk of things being a "military operation", it's not easy and I didn't really enjoy the first 6 months of being a mother tbh.
Yes I loved my baby, cared and cuddled, but the change to my life too some adjustment.
Your post is very thought provoking moomin and you have a gift for words.
We all have only one chance at growing up.
So many of us waste it and I feel so sorry for Jael that she is about to make the same mistake.
Oh dear, just read through some of the posts on here and some of Jael's comments including this one
She's just sat there and told me my relationship won't last. You don't know me or my boyfriend, you can't say that at all haha. Just because that happened to you or someone you know, doesn't mean fa.
The 'haha' and 'fa' sounds just like my 18 year old niece and I know exactly how '18' she is, wilful, rebellious, stubborn, knows it all and can't accept other peoples advice.
Jael maybe you will stay with your boyfriend, maybe you won't, maybe you'll be happy you had a baby at 18 when you're 23, maybe you won't. But...and you can choose ignore this....the chances of you being with your boyfriend when you're 23 are very slim, the chances are you'll love your baby but you'll wish you had waited when you're 23.
I know several girls who had babies at 16/17/18 none of their relationships lasted long once the reality of a screaming, crying baby that needs to be looked after 24 hours a day, every day became a reality with the boyfriends who then realised they missed hanging out with their mates, and missed having money to spend on themselves. You might not like what Hop has written but it's very true. Not one of my friends who was a young mum would do it again at such a young age and all of them wish they had waited and lived life first.
You've got years and years to have children, but once you have a baby there is no going back, why rush? Why don't you wait a year and see how you feel? If you're still with your boyfriend and happy in a year then think again.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I'm not implying she will not be a good mum, I'm merely stating it's a massive life changing thing to do and there's no going back. It's easy for a young boyfriend to decide it's too much too young and walk away, sadly the young mum doesn't have the same freedom of choice. You can make the decision to have a baby when you're 18 but you don't have to do it immediately, why not make it a plan you work towards over the next couple of years?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thank you deepblue
Silly I don't think it's classist to warn her what she'll come up against. She will face stigma, she will be criticised for her choices in person. I doubt she'd be happy if we'd all said "Aww, you sound like a cute couple, go for it!", because that isn't what she'll face a few months down the line when she's pregnant at 18. I don't know a single young mother who hasn't faced criticism for her situation, whether it's planned or unplanned.
Yes, they're great solid mothers. Because they have to be. We have to put on this face in public that we're doing great and finding it easy, because otherwise the world will laugh in our faces and say 'I told you so' - and that's a red rag to a bull when you're 18/19 . Some elements of motherhood, I do find easy. I find it easy to change her and feed her in public, and to make it look like I know what I'm doing. But at night I struggle with the sleepless nights, I struggle with the 3am feeding, I struggle with the constant routine of dirty nappies and washing bottles and not just being able to up and go out at the drop of a hat, and that's the part that no-one sees - but just because no-one sees it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I've spoken to other young mothers who describe exactly the same - but it's so taboo. If I didn't have the relative anonymity of Mumsnet, there's no way I'd be admitting this.
SillyLass, the OP herself has said she has the opportunity and the offers to go to university, including in Paris. So it's not a ridiculous suggestion to point out that she might be missing out on a life experience if she has a baby now. University can be a great experience that isn't just "piddling about" for 3 or 4 years. Granted, it's not for everyone, but the OP clearly was/is interested in further study.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
X-post, I understand what you mean now sillylass
Some of my comments still stand wrt jael though. It's galling to see someone who really has no idea, sweeping in and suggesting that so what if everyone else has experienced this, I'm going to do so much better because I have good qualifications and a great job, when it doesn't work like that. I've always been academically above average. A Levels and being partway towards a degree doesn't matter a jot in regards to pregnancy - not being careful with contraception was one of my biggest lapses in common sense, no amount of fancy qualifications will make up for that. The health visitor doesn't come around wanting to see your A Level certificates or your last P60, she wants to know if you're equipped and prepared to look after a baby, and that involves a hell of a lot more than having a good career and qualifications.
The thing that worries me most is OP's inability to take criticism. She has to be receptive when people are telling her she's maybe not quite getting it right. Will she call the midwife immature if she's putting her baby in danger in some way? Will she scream and shout at the doctor if she needs anything that deviates from the birth plan? Will she refuse to listen to the health visitor when she finds out that she's making up feeds wrong, or putting nappies on back to front or whatever? If you can't handle criticism of your theoretical decision to have a baby at 18, then the actuality of the criticism you'll face when you're pregnant and 18 will have you like a rabbit in headlights. That isn't sneering - it is painful and shocking and hurtful, to have someone talk to you like you're the dirt on the bottom of their shoe, and hormones didn't help matters for me. If she can't handle logical criticism, like the fact that she should live with her boyfriend and make sure they can live with each other before they add a needy, tiny human to the equation, how is she going to handle out and out prejudice?
I feel like it'd be doing her a disservice not to warn her about these things, because you can guarantee that if she did encounter this, she'd come back to complain that we didn't warn her.
I'm getting more emotionally invested than I should in any thread, let alone one that may not be genuine. It's hard to see these threads because you've got one side arguing that teenage pregnancy is a great thing and there's nothing ever going to go wrong with it, and the other arguing that it's a failing on behalf of the parents and it's stupid and shows lack of intelligence and ambition. I'm glad that on this thread the majority of posts have been balanced and realistic, like they should be. But that's why threads like this bother me so much, and why I get more involved than I really should.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
tbf, Sillylass, I haven't said that she wouldn't manage university when her (as yet non-existent) child is older. I actually think that it is completely doable with hard work and (ideally) plenty of support. It's certainly no harder than a demanding job.
I do think though that she would miss out on a lot of the social aspects of university, which you may or may not think of as important or useful.
I completely agree with you that being a teenage mum doesn't automatically equal poverty & loneliness, especially as Jael seems to be in a pretty stable position financially for someone her age. But I do think it can increase the chances of both Jael and any future child of hers being in a worse position than they would be if she could just wait 1 or 2 years more.
I don't think that it's patronising or offensive to say that.
Moomin, you are a fabulous writer.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I agree, Sillylass, that there has been a lot of attack directed towards Jael. In my experience, trying to impart knowledge and experience to 18 year olds rarely works well if they feel attacked and got at, or made to feel stupid. It's a shame, as there are a lot of reasonable and persuasive people posting on this thread, lost in the mix a bit, as Jael has reacted defensively to the criticisms of her attitude/decisions.
I just think the OP comes across as a wind up merchant (her OP, e.g. "this really is what we want", "we don't currently have any benefits and we plan to not rely on them" anticipates criticism), so for that reason, I'm out!
But OP, if you are for real, you are bloody rare if you are a "just turned 18" year old who has a good j
And of course, the other glaringly obvious aspect of the OP's post which made me suspect a wind-up is that, if she truly did just want advice on trying to conceive (setting aside the fact that the NHS website would be her first, obvious, port of call rather than a chat room peopled by unknown amateurs, she only needed to write "planning a baby - would like advice on diet, health etc", rather than all the massive judgement-seeking backstory she has kindly provided! Please don't waste the time of people who want to help genuine posters, OP.
I really don't understand why the OP has posted asking for advice, if she is going to rubbish every piece of advice given. It seems so pointless.
I wonder if friends/relatives have already advised her against this plan and she has been fishing for some support here. If so she has been sadly disappointed.
If Jael is genuine, I do hope she will finally listen to all the people who have been there, done that, and worn the teeshirt of regret.
Sillylass - who do you think is going to find coping with the workload of university - the person who has no children, and so can concentrate fully on their studies, or the same person, with a child (or more than one) at home, who has to deal with all the extra responsibilities that entails?
And who is going to have more fun - the person who has to get home in time to relieve the baby sitter, or who can't commit to societies/clubs because they can't get child care, or the person who can do as they please, once they've done their academic work?
Btw - I am not trying to attack you by asking you these questions.
I honestly believe that being a student without children is probable easier and more fun than trying to juggle your studies, parenthood and childcare, whilst maintaining your relationship with your dp.
And I suspect that many student parents feel that they miss out on some of the student experience because of all the extra responsibilities they are juggling.
If I were Jael's parent, I would want her to take the chance of studying in Paris now, with both hands, and I would be so worried that she would find herself regretting it, if her choice to have a baby now meant that that amazing opportunity slipped out of her grasp forever.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I agree with you, sillylass. Seeing the parent-blaming got my back up; it's not the parents fault if the 'child' - who is now an adult - decides to get pregnant (or does so by accident). My mum wanted nothing more than for me to finish uni, work, settle down and then have a baby, and raised me with those aims in mind. It's no failing of hers that it didn't turn out that way. To blame anyone but those right at the centre of the situation is wrong.
Don't mean to sound patronising but couldn't you get a puppy first, that's what me and my DH did when we first moved in together and it was another ten years before we tcc.
innermagic i want a puppy OH said no though it is a good idea i killed the plant that need exact water temperatures at exact times wish plants cried to tell you
skipping if keeping a plant alive were a test of prospective motherhood, I'd never have been allowed a baby!
Hi OP. I fell pregnant by accident with DD aged 26 which is still pretty young. I had a dp, our own house and professional jobs and we had both been to uni. She is perfect and I adore her at 19mo but it has been sooo hard. And this is a child without reflux or medical problems, a largely good sleeper and a good eater. Still, the hardest year and a half of my life. Even if you just wait three years or so you will have had a chance to study, establish your.career and be more mature in your approach. No doubt you will make a lovely and excellent mum whenever you do it but there is no rush. If I hadn't fallen by accident I would still have waited a few more years and done a bit more travelling ans lie ins!
Slightly you will be able to do some travelling and big holidays in your mid 40's when lots of others are worrying about school catchment areas. There are pros and cons to whatever age you have a family.
That is a good point chicken! I am very glad I had dd when I did and am in fact planning my second soon with any luck, but I am glad I wasn't much younger. People I know who have had babies between 18 and 21 are still desperately trying to party in a way they didn't have a chance to when everyone else was. not the case for everyone I know but I think 18 is really young to plan a baby.
Hey guys, Jael123 here- changed my name. I'm not going to say thankyou because I do feel a lot of you were un-necessarily rude. But I just thought I would let you all know I've spoken with my boyfriend about this all and we have decided that I'm going to take up my uni offer, (in London though) so that my boyfriend can work, we are going to find a place in London, we have also further talked about America, so we have booked a 3 week holiday out to America for September and we are going to see how we like it out there, look into jobs, housing prices etc. And then once I finish uni (in 3 years) we are going to take a month holiday out there to start looking for a job. Then hopefully move out there. When we are settled etc, we will then start trying for a baby. So yeah
Well done - you have made a very sensible decision. I hope you have a great time at university, and in America!
Thanks for updating! That all sounds really exciting - that sounds like a mature plan . Good luck to you both - have a great time stateside!
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