I want a baby but my husband wants to wait.

(174 Posts)
GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 16:02:58

On the surface I appear to have it all... but I am so miserable...

I am 28 years old, 29 in 5 months time and for the past year since I got married I can think of nothing else than starting a family with my wonderful husband. I feel my body clock ticking and I want a baby before 30. The problem is that he (who is the same age as me) says he is not ready.

We are really lucky and in a really good financial situation, we own our home with no mortgage and he has a really good job, earning a lot of money.

His problem is that he has extremely high standards, standards that I am not sure I can meet and he won't consider a baby until our situation is 'perfect' in his eyes...

His family is very wealthy and he constantly compares our situation to that of his older sister. She is married to a guy who earns a lot of money and because her parents are so wealthy she has been given two properties that she rents out to give herself an income so she does not have to be reliant on her husband for money whilst not working and bringing up the children. So all in all her situation is pretty amazing. (she had her first baby at 29)

If my husband and I were to start a family we would only have his income, I would be dependant on him and so our lifestyles would need to change (no more sports cars and expensive holidays) and he does not want this. He says that I need to ask my father (who does have money but nothing like his family) to give me a deposit to buy my own rental property so that I can be in a similar situation to his sister and not work and have my own income from a rental. I just don't feel I can do that at this moment in time, its a lot to ask, but until i have this sorted my husband is saying no to starting a family.

I feel stuck. I so want to have a baby but what can I do. I feel like I cant meet his standards. I wish he could just relax and realise that we are so lucky to be in our current situation and that we have all we need to provide a loving home for a baby.

I realise that all of this probably sounds really spoilt but I am so down about his. Its all I can think about. I have no one I feel I can talk to about it.

Any advice would be really great.

:-(

Fairylea Sun 15-Sep-13 16:07:26

Do not have a baby with him. He sounds like a total arse !

You should be a team! Not all this mine and your money, needing a flat so you have an income. What?? If he's earning enough to support you and the baby then he should. Or you negotiate between you to find a way to both work and organise childcare.
It doesn't sound like you have the same ideals.

I was single at 31 with two failed long term relationships and a dd from one of them.

I then met and married my now dh and had ds 15 months.

It's not too late to start over... I have a feeling your dh is selfish and that will only get worse with a baby. You don't need someone who is so money minded and always comparing you to someone else.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 16:12:35

I realise that that is how it sounds but its not like that at all. He is the most generous person I have ever met and I love him very much.

He just has this personality that strives for perfection, and he is very single minded in his idea of perfection. He is very competitive with his sister and wants our lives to be the same as theirs. He says that we will ave a baby but we will start thinking about it this time next year. That breaks my heart. I want to start trying in the new year.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 16:16:29

You are right that we don't share the same ideals though. But thats a good thing probably, I am ruled by my heart and he is most definaely ruled by his head!

Flyer747 Sun 15-Sep-13 16:43:40

I hate to put someone down whom I don't know, but from what you say he does sound selfish to me, certainly in financial terms anyway. A baby does not need material things or money it needs to be loved and cared for the rest is merely a nicety.

It sounds like he places too higher value on material things and financial aspects. I think that even if your dad did buy you a rental property he would possibly come up with another road block as to why it's not the right time to start a family. Please listen to your gut feeling and if you think something is off then do not ignore it.

I spent years with someone who said he wanted children, everytime it came to starting that family he had excuses, eventually I got fed up and left.

There never is a perfect time to have a baby, you just do it and not one person I've ever spoken to regrets having a child. I would be having serious chats with him if it were me.

Good Luck x

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 16:52:37

Thank you for the advice. I know that he does want children eventually, I would not have married him if he didn't as its the most important thing in the world to me. I also know that he will be an amazing father.
The problem is when I try to talk to him about it or just mention it he says that I am nagging/pressurising.
Perhaps I should let this go and address it in the new year. Its just so hard when all I can think about is having a baby. Is it normal to be so consumed by an idea?

eurochick Sun 15-Sep-13 16:52:59

He does sound like a bit of a twat, tbh! He's setting himself (and you) up for a miserable life if he is constantly going to be comparing your lifestyle together to that of a wealthier couple!

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 16:55:22

Oh no. He's really not a horrible person. Its so hard to explain. He just wants the best for us and our future children, which i know will come along one day (just not soon enough for me!)

How can you say he is generous if he expects your father to provide the means for you to have money when you become the mother of HIS children?

A generous man would simply be sharing all his money with you, or supporting you and paying for childcare out of the central pot so that you can return to work.

Is he/are you expecting that when you have a child you will give up work completely and he does not want to support you? Thats what it sounds like.

He won't be an amazing father if he puts sports cars and holidays above making sure that his wife his happy. If he wants rental properties and you have lots of money at the moment then you can buy your own!

HaPPy8 Sun 15-Sep-13 17:01:27

Erm. If you have not mortgage why can't the two of you save up enough for a deposit on a rental property? Not that that is really the point but why on earth should you ask your father for money? He sounds awful! Sorry OP but he really does.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 17:06:23

Its complicated. We both come from wealthy families but his family sold out of the family business years ago and are reaping the rewards. His family have set us up in a home and given us a fortune to start our lives with. My father has not sold out and is/always has been very tight fisted in comparison with his family (who are unusually generous with the children) As a result, his mother cannot understand my father's take on family/money and is resentful that she has provided so much whilst my dad has provided nothing (apart from a ridiculous no expense spared wedding - which also wasn't good enough for my mother in law so she put some money into that so that our wedding was on parr with his sisters!)
They have this crazy family mentality that both him and his sister must be kept equal at all times. I often find myself wishing that I had worked harder in the past so I could have had a job that earns money like my husband and brother in law, who has no family but earns a fortune in his job. Maybe then this would be ok and we could be happy.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 17:07:51

We can save money, and I am willing to return to work to earn my own money but there will definitely be an expectation of me to be a stay at home mum, like his sister.

Bowlersarm Sun 15-Sep-13 17:17:08

Your life sounds like a competition. Your husband is competing with his sister. No, he's making you compete with his sister. He is making you look at both your fathers lives in a competitive way.

You need to be courageous and tell him it's not how you want to live your life with him.

Dressingdown1 Sun 15-Sep-13 17:18:07

You are only 28 so you still have time before your biological clock starts ticking too loudly. If you and DH can agree on a timescale to start a family and are quite well off, maybe you could start saving for your own deposit on a rental property? I don't think it's fair to expect your DF to give you money, but there's no reason not to fund the project yourself if you have some spare cash.

In any case there is something to be said for having your own money and not having to rely on DH for everything you need/want. You never know what the future holds

Fairylea Sun 15-Sep-13 17:40:35

It all seems a bit cold hearted to me. All I'm reading is money, money, money.

Yes money is important. But being happy as a family and supporting each other and loving one another is the primary ingredient to a happy family. Not wealth.

And I say that as someone who was always the main high earning breadwinner until I got made redundant and had to reassess my whole life. I am now (my choice) a sahm with my dh earning 15k a year and two dc. We manage ok. The main thing is we share everything, even on our small wage we put everything into a joint account and split whatever is left equally between us for spending money. We never argue about money, ever.

I think your dh has his priorities all a bit wrong to be honest.

expatinscotland Sun 15-Sep-13 17:45:46

Georgie, you really don't have time to be hanging around waiting for this guy. Sorry, but I'd make plans to leave. I loved my exh very, very, very much. We had a good marriage. But we didn't see eye-to-eye on children and family. You know what, the best decision I ever made was to divorce him, age 30, and start a new life.

Don't sell yourself short.

You keep going on about how wonderful he is, but someone as inflexible and tight as he is is not wonderful. It's immature and, quite frankly, pretty awful.

I would be very worried for you if you were my daughter and I'd be lighting candles that you found someone else who didn't see everything in terms of its worth as a financial vehicle and compare you to anyone else in the world.

expatinscotland Sun 15-Sep-13 17:47:57

There is no way I would ever become dependent on a person like this for money, either, tbh. In fact, I'd rather be dirt poor and free of such, and I say that as a poor person.

scripsi Sun 15-Sep-13 17:55:50

My concern here is that he is telling you what you have to do. Where is your choice in this? You are being forced to get a rental property as a precondition of having children. There is no free choice here, aside from his immature competitiveness.

Flyer747 Sun 15-Sep-13 17:56:57

It does seem very cold hearted to me as well.

You are only 28 so I echo what someone said about having time on your side. I'm 34 and only just having my first baby. So don't feel that you have to get pregnant ASAP because of your fertility.

However I do feel that he is being unfair expecting you to fund your own maternity leave or income if you decide to be a sahm....when you marry you become a unit and although I think it's important that people try and support themselves etc, you would be the one carrying his child and ultimately being the primary carer for the baby. That's a huge gift you would be giving him and he obviously doesn't realise this.

Maybe he still feels too young to be a father. Some men take longer to grow up than others. However I think you need to set some sort of timeline so you can both relax and be happy about your future plans, then if he tries to get out of it again and come up with excuses you'll need to re evaluate things and hopefully this won't be the case, but if it is please don't be fobbed off a second time.

expatinscotland Sun 15-Sep-13 17:58:21

I can't imagine much worse, tbh, than to be trapped hooked up to someone who constantly saw me and our child as a financial ball and chain and compared me to his sister, wanted my father to buy me properties to let out, who called on the shots on my life and made all the decisions for me. Sounds like hell to me.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 15-Sep-13 17:59:17

So you describe your father as tight fisted because he wont give you money?

You are 28, you are a grown-up and should be standing on your own two feet not trying to sponge off your parents.

I would be putting off having children until both you and your DH grow up a bit as you both sound very childish.

expatinscotland Sun 15-Sep-13 18:00:17

As for the 'only 28' thing, well, I'm 42 now. I was 'only 28' when my ex h and I split because tbh, it's not that young. We were 30 by the time I divorced and I was 32 when I had DD1. Someone who is 28 is an adult and grown enough to know her own mind. Go with your gut, don't ignore your instincts for anyone else.

MissStrawberry Sun 15-Sep-13 18:07:55

He isn't generous. He is a bully and has a bloody cheek telling you your father has to buy you a house so you can live off money from that while bringing up his baby. The baby you will never have with this man as he doesn't want one.

One of you following your heart, the other head does not equal not having the same ideals. It is just poppycock. You both should be on the same page otherwise there is no point being together.

As you write more I see this thread is panning out where you say what he has said/done and you down play it and say how wonderful he is. So wonderful he is putting unfair restrictions in your way to start the family he probably dangled in front of you when asking you to be his wife.

How horrible you say your father is tight-fisted. Maybe he sees what a twat your husband is and doesn't want his money pissed up the wall?

dingledongle Sun 15-Sep-13 18:13:11

Do you think he will compare your potential child/children with any nieces and nephews you may have?

Do you think he will strive for perfection when he has been kept awake by a poorly baby?

How would you feel if you start trying for baby and nothing happens and it takes several years to conceive and then you want a sibling, second child and have the same problem? Would he be happy to not have children?

There is never a perfect time to have children. Your marriage is supposed to be partnership with give and take in births sides. When you have children is only one decision, he sounds a bit controlling to me.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 15-Sep-13 18:14:19

He wants YOUR father to pay for HIS kids? He is an entitled brat.

If he doesn't want to cut his lifestyle why not:

- HIM move jobs or get more training so he can earn more money
- YOU do the same to earn more money
- mortgage your own house if you want to become buy-to-let landlords.
- review investments
- start saving

To be honest, I am glad that he is reluctant to reproduce. I don't think we need more people like him in the world.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:15:03

Please believe me when I say that my husband means well. He wants me to be financially independent, not because he does not want to support me, but because he knows how it would make me feel to completely rely on him for everything, and he is right! To remain financially independent it will mean me returning to work straight after children, which I am willing to do but I also know that I will be riddled with guilt going back to work when I could choose to stay at home. The rental property idea is a tried and tested way to have the best of both worlds. Just coming up with the deposit will take some time.
I really appreciate everyones advice on here. I think what I need to do is discuss some kind of timescale with my husband, then, knowing it is going to happen in the not to distant future, I will hopefully feel less consumed by baby thoughts and be able to move forward with my life and our marriage.

expatinscotland Sun 15-Sep-13 18:18:32

'He wants me to be financially independent, not because he does not want to support me, but because he knows how it would make me feel to completely rely on him for everything, and he is right! To remain financially independent it will mean me returning to work straight after children, which I am willing to do but I also know that I will be riddled with guilt going back to work when I could choose to stay at home. The rental property idea is a tried and tested way to have the best of both worlds. Just coming up with the deposit will take some time.'

YOU to be financially independent. OP, it is his child, too. This is a two-way street, and that includes childcare.

The rental property idea is ridiculous if you think your father is the one who has to fund it.

TBH, you both sound a bit immature.

Johnny5needsinput Sun 15-Sep-13 18:22:53

Do not for the love of god have a child with this man. You will never ever be good enough. Nothing you do will ever match up to perfect sister.

Run as fast as you can. Get out. Get out now. Before you have a child and it gets worse and worse.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 15-Sep-13 18:23:08

financially independent by getting your father to fund your lifestyle?

Do you and your DH actually understand the meaning of the word independent?

To give you some help, I looked up a definition:

Not relying on others for support, care, or funds; self-supporting

Sponging off your father doesnt seem to me to fall into that definition.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:24:07

Reading this thread made me feel quite uncomfortable actually. I'm currently expecting mine and my husbands first baby and we haven't really even thought about the finance of it. We both work, he earns more than me (by about £400 a month) but we share everything. We have quite an expensive mortgage and all the usual outgoings let alone a nice credit card bill but they weren't factors in deciding whether we should have a child or not. We are newly married (hence the credit card bill) and want to start a family because we love each other - that's all that matters, the rest we can figure out as we go along.

Compared to about 95% of the MN population you are in an EXTREMELY good financial position to have a child which is why it makes me feel so uneasy that the word 'money' is being thrown around as an excuse not to have one.

His family sound vile and who the hell do they think they are to be suggesting your dad gives you money to buy a property? You shouldn't be expecting it either!! You are no longer your dad's responsibility. It is the job of your husband to help support you as a SAHM, not your father's.

I'm sorry, but your husband sound very controlling, manipulative and selfish.

MissStrawberry Sun 15-Sep-13 18:24:35

What part of what he has said is meaning well?

If he has demanded you be independently able to keep yourself before you have a child how does he see that working if you do have a baby? Are you going back to work when the baby is 2 weeks old or are you expected to save enough to live on before then?

He does not see you as equal. He does not love you. He does not want a baby. You fell for his lies I'm afraid.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:26:19

I know how this all sounds. Everyone always belittles your worries when you are wealthy and appear to have it all. I do realise that my problems are very 21st century. Doesn't make them unimportant though hey. Thank for the advice all.

Littlefish Sun 15-Sep-13 18:26:48

How ridiculous to suggest that you will be financially independent if you ask your father to pay for a house for you, just so you can get the income from it.

I'm sorry, but your future life sounds very sad to me if you are constantly compared to your SIL and her life.

MissStrawberry Sun 15-Sep-13 18:27:05

Before having children DH and I both worked full time. It swapped between us who earned the most. At the time I fell pregnant he earned more than me so I was the one giving up work and haven't worked since. We have 3 children and DH has financially supported all of us for the past 13 years. Not once has he moaned, demanded I get a job, told me I had to not depend on him. I have a lovely, grown up husband.

You don't sad.

MissStrawberry Sun 15-Sep-13 18:29:54

No one has belittled your worries. To me you haven't expressed any worry but the fact you and your husband can't agree when to have a child. No one is better than anyone else because they have money.

Fairylea Sun 15-Sep-13 18:31:59

He wants you to be financially independent when you have children. By why should this be a good thing? Children are made by both of you. Responsibilty and finances for such SHOULD be shared. Not two people living independently together and depositing into a pot. Families don't work like that. Not when children are involved.

Johnny5needsinput Sun 15-Sep-13 18:34:08

I am not belittling your worries.

I'm telling you you're worrying about the wrong thing, in my opinion.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:34:12

Is it wrong then to want to be able to give to your own children what your parents gave to you? My husband wants to be able to give his children a private education, private medical treatment, keep them comfortable and debt free at university (if they chose to go) send them travelling the world, buy them a house, pay for a beautiful wedding and love and support them throughout their life. Money does not make you happy, but it goes some way to help. My husband's ideals stem from having such a lucky upbringing and worrying about not being able to do the same for his kids.

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs Sun 15-Sep-13 18:34:20

Why is he expecting his father-in-law to provide for his wife and children? I don't understand it when people talk about being 'reliant' on their spouse as if its a bad thing. That is what marriage is all about - relying on one another. Financially as well as in other ways.
It sounds like he may not be ready for the responsibility of fatherhood, and is using finances as an excuse to stall for time. Have you tried talking about being the emotional reality of becoming parents, without discussing the day-to-day practicalities? You may find he is scared etc, or it may soften his heart.

scripsi Sun 15-Sep-13 18:35:14

OP you aren't necessarily wealthier than some others on the thread. This is about so much more than money. I mean this with the best will in the world: some of us are quite concerned about your situation and the attitude of your DH.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:36:10

He doesn't think very much about the emotions of things, thats my arena. He is the practical man.

Flyer747 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:38:08

I think the rental property idea is a little ridiculous and when you have a baby it changes the dynamics of a relationship and you become a family instead of two people who are just married or living together.

No one here can tell you what he thinks or if his intentions are genuine or he is just dangling a carrot by saying he definitely wants a family one day as we don't know him. We are only offering you our opinions based on what you've told us, however for so many people to think this whole set up smells a bit fishy must set alarm bells ringing, it certainly would with me.

Only you can decide when you've had enough and it's time to take action, but please please don't be blinded to what this supposedly wonderful man is saying to you....He is putting conditions in place which have to be met before he will give you what you really want, this is not a caring wonderful individual, it's the actions of a selfish, self absorbed man who doesn't care what his wife is desperate for.

You obviously think there is something a bit dodgy going on here otherwise you'd never have posted on the forum in the first place. Do not ignore that nagging little voice in the back of your head that's telling you this isn't right/normal behaviour.

nooka Sun 15-Sep-13 18:38:16

I'm not sure why you think that rental property ownership is an easy option to make lots of money. When I rented out my house it was very stressful and I lost money. I'd not recommend it as an easy option.

You two seem to be in a very good financial situation and I cannot understand why your dh and his family think that your father should just give you a lot of money when it is obvious that you are not in need. There is nothing tightfisted about that.

The competition between your dh and his sister sounds incredibly unhealthy, and your ILs sound very high handed and interfering. It does not sound like a very good foundation for starting a family to me.

KingRollo Sun 15-Sep-13 18:38:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Relaxedandhappyperson Sun 15-Sep-13 18:40:02

I don't think the issue is the money really. The issue is that he/his family want you to be identical to his sister.

You don't seem to want to be identical to his sister - and why on earth should you? You're a totally different person.

I think you need to forget about the money thing for a bit and have a serious talk about allowing your (joint) family life to be what you (collectively - with input from you too) choose, NOT what his family choose for you or what his sister chooses for himself.

Once that's sorted (sweeping statement - I assume it won't be that easy) you'll be ready to start building your own joint family life and your own joint family.

Relaxedandhappyperson Sun 15-Sep-13 18:40:56

"sister chooses for herself". blush

wispaxmas Sun 15-Sep-13 18:43:07

You're unhappy, you've admitted as much, it's what drew you to post in the first place. Stop trying to make excuses for your husband. What you're hearing are objective outside opinions to the situation you've described.

I will agree with the majority: he sounds controlling and manipulative. While I agree he should have some say into when you start a family, it should be a decision you both make and you deserve to have something more than a vague 'someday' dangled in front of you with strict financial conditions.

Also, the whole idea of being financially independent strikes me as you wanting to keep one foot outside your relationship because you know it's not forever.

MissStrawberry Sun 15-Sep-13 18:43:15

You are very separate from your husband. One of you is head, one heart. One emotional, one practical. There has to be some common ground.

You write like we couldn't possibly understand the situation you are in as you have so much money. Others do too.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:43:30

It has literally never entered my head that he is not the right man for me. We have been together for 10 years. I love him very much. I have no nagging feeling something isn't right. I started this thread because I just felt we had reached differing opinions on when (not whether) to start a family and it was getting me down and I had no one to talk to. I just wondered how others dealt with this differing in opinions.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 15-Sep-13 18:44:25

You live in a house someone else has bought for you.
That is not financially independent.

MissStrawberry Sun 15-Sep-13 18:46:06

"or whether" ?? Surely that is something you talk about BEFORE the wedding!

I asked DH the day we started going out if he wanted marriage and children in the future!

nooka Sun 15-Sep-13 18:47:54

I do understand your dh's worries though, it is hard when you have been brought up with many advantages and feel the pressure to achieve the same for your own family. It's been an issue for both me and my big brother that we are unlikely ever to be as successful as my father, but that's our demon to deal with, not our partners, and just means that personally we are fairly driven.

I certainly have never expected my father to set me up beyond the very generous gifts he has given me. I haven't asked him for money since I left home except for short term loans.

Seems odd to be worrying about university, wedding and housing costs before you've even started trying to have a baby, most of those costs are twenty years off! By that time you might well have inherited from one side or the other and in any case should have been able to save yourselves.

Bowlersarm Sun 15-Sep-13 18:48:05

OP just keep talking to your DH. Make him see your point of view.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 15-Sep-13 18:50:30

Everyone always belittles your worries when you are wealthy and appear to have it all.

Well, your worries are financial so worth belittling. You do have it all compared to 99% of people. Someone BOUGHT YOU A HOUSE. You have sports cars, private medical insurance and expensive holidays - and you still want more - at the expense of your father and the poor fuckers who will pay you rent when you become landlords.

Zara1984 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:52:55

You are always going to be part of this over-competitive money-focused merrygoround with your husband and his family. Do you want your child to have this kind of attitude with their partner? Or grow up believing that money is the key to all happiness?

I really do think you need to have a massive chat with him about his priorities in life. No more expensive holidays or sports cars if there's a baby? Oh boo hoo hoo. hmm He has no clue, no clue at all at how your life turns upside down to deal with being a parent. And if this is really what he is focusing on then he is right, he is NOT ready to have a child and you need to (a) deal with that and wait or (b) leave him and find someone who is not a complete selfish bell end with a koo-koo bananas shallow family. I won't tell you which option I favour....

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:58:29

A bit harsh. We have never asked for a penny. If you had millions in the bank would you sit back and watch your kids scrimp together for a deposit and mortgage?
We know how lucky we are.
If you read the thread you would see that my worries have nothing to do with money and everything to do with being able to see eye to eye with my husband.

Fairylea Sun 15-Sep-13 18:59:18

I'm not sure providing children with everything they could ever need is a good idea to be honest. What does it teach them about life? The value of things? Empathy and understanding for those who have less? Is buying them a house outright ever going to encourage them to appreciate the merit of hard work and doing something for yourself?

I appreciate it's a whole different thread but I'm not sure your dh wanting to provide his children with the world is ever a good idea.

As a parent you want to support and love your child and teach them how to experience life so they can manage on their own as an adult when you are not there anymore, and to enjoy and appreciate their own hard work. Not be given life on a plate.

What a bizarre notion that if you buy a buy to let house you will have financial independence. You are married. That means that his assets are your assets and vice versa. If you split, it would all be part of the pot to divide up.

Likewise what if the buy to let generated say £800 per month. Is that what you would be expected to live on? And if he earned 7 times that much per month for example would he share any of that? If he didn't, would you perceive that as fair? I sure as hell wouldn't.

As far as everyday finances go do you have access to each others money equally out of interest? if there's any inequality, it may only get worse if you had a child.

I'd suggest moving this thread to relationships.

If you are only coming up with a deposit for rental properties then when you get tenants the rent will be taken up by the mortgage and so you won't actually have any income....

Not sure why it will take you a while to come up with a deposit if you are both working and have no housing costs? Or is he expecting you to fund everything to do with these rental properties, yourself?

I'm not belittling you by the way, I feel sorry for you because you and your husband are so focussed on the financial side of life.

Zara1984 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:00:35

Sorry OP just read your last post. No your husband is not ready. The reason why you are getting so many WTF responses is because your husband's attitude and ideas come across as really spoilt and immature. Which means he is not ready to become a father if he is worrying about things like this when clearly, failing Greek-tragedy style disaster, you and your husband will be able to provide the same opportunities you were both given.

To many people he also probably sounds like he is splitting hairs and stalling for time when you both have every single thing necessary to give a child a good home... Except two willing parents.

I suggest a dog as a trial baby. For both of you.

magicturnip Sun 15-Sep-13 19:00:51

I think your dh will be unhappy if his barometer for life is comparing his material status to that of his sister. He cannot photocopy her life or expect you to. He also needs to realise that kids do change lives.
Widening his life experience wouldn't hurt either so that he can appreciate what he does have too, both emotionally and materially.

Fairylea Sun 15-Sep-13 19:02:42

Eachandevery - absolutely.

So until you (and not you both) just you, are as 'independent' and as wealthy as his very wealthy sister, your husband won't have a baby.

You do have a problem here, op.

StillSeekingSpike Sun 15-Sep-13 19:06:09

'We have never asked for a penny'

Well, apart from wanting your dad to buy you a rental property for income confused

Does your husband not realise that EVERYONE wants the absolute best for their children? But if he is that focused on cash, shouldn't he be making it himself- instead of relying on his parents, or your parents? If you are adult enough to get married, you should be adult enough to support yourselves.

Helpyourself Sun 15-Sep-13 19:08:26

You've established the relationship on a very monetary basis which is far too dependant on your parents' money and input. I don't know what the answer is- apart from money what motivates you both.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:10:26

We have not asked my father for money. If you read back you would see that I don't want to do that! My husbands family resent my father because he does not have the same mentality as then regarding setting up their children in houses etc. And I won't criticise either of them. I am in awe of the generosity of my partners family and similarly I think that my father can do what he bloody well wants with his money, he earned it! Different people, different opinions.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:13:28

Does your husband understand why you don't want to ask your father for the money? I hope he isn't putting too much pressure on you. Would you like to be a SAHM or do you feel it is more 'expected' of you?

But the problem is, your wonderful dh is saying no baby until YOU get some more money (from your dad?)

That is...a pretty unusual stance and I'm not surprised you feele miserable.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:14:14

We have been bought a place to live. We earn the money to keep the house and lifestyle.

What motivates us? Friends, family, jobs we love?

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:15:55

I don't think he does actually. I've never tried to explain. I don't think he'd understand. :-(

nooka Sun 15-Sep-13 19:16:08

My father did the accounting for a number of very wealthy families and said that being given too much money had significant downsides. So we had university paid for and a deposit when he could quite easily have bought us each houses. I have zero resentment about this because he was absolutely right. Being given everything on a plate can be a significant disincentive and hold people back from developing independence and financial responsibility..

Zara1984 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:16:20

But the problem is OP that your husband is blinkered by his parents' outlandish attitudes. It is not normal, even among the very wealthy, to expect parents to completely set up their children financially.

Would you think it reasonable for you DH to only want to start a family if you could categorically guarantee that no illness, disability or tragedy would befall that child? Because that is kind of what his attitude is like.

He is not ready. Did you not discuss this in detail before you got married?

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:17:22

How best to explain to my husband and his family that I don't expect my father to contribute when they have contributed so much and can't understand why my father would not contribute?!

Zara1984 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:17:29

You need to have a really really big chat with your DH about what YOU want and how YOU want to raise your children.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:18:37

We discussed children, both decided we want two. That's as far as we went

But he is saying that you, op, are not bringing enough to the picnic. That's a really odd attitude from a husband, really.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 15-Sep-13 19:20:03

Sorry if I sound harsh but try reading some of the other threads on here if you want a harsh dose of reality. sad

So your husband wants children but during the, say, 9 months of maternity leave that is unpaid, he doesn't want to lose his lifestyle. He's suggested leeching off your father. You don't want to do that so here are some suggestions:

- You get promoted / a new job / a new company where you earn more money or get better ML package
- You save up to cover your full income while you are on ML (I did this)
- You look into investments that will provide you an alternative income during ML

To be honest though, I think he is using this as an excuse to stall on having children. Not having a full income for less than a year is hardly going to seriously impact on you is it? What's that - 2-3 holidays and keeping your car for a bit longer than usual?

Writerwannabe83 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:20:10

I really feel for you - it must be so hard when you have come from different backgrounds. It sounds like your husband's family is very wealthy and people from that background sometimes think that everyone else's life is the same and that they all have the same values and beliefs etc.

Does your dad know how unhappy you are feeling? You haven't mentioned your mom, is she around to talk you about how you feel?

Zara1984 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:20:27

Ok you face a problem here that your DH and his family are massively disconnected from reality.

You can tell your husband "I don't expect my father to give me money and he wouldn't even if I asked. Why does that matter?"

If he loses the plot and can't understand why it DOESN'T matter you have a fundamental problem with your relationship.

So until daddy coughs up, you don't get a baby?

Wow.

justkeepplodding Sun 15-Sep-13 19:21:23

someone else asked the same upthread - surely if you are only able to have a deposit for the property you buy surely you will have to get a mortgage to be able to buy somewhere. Therfore won't any rental income be used to pay the mortgage off each month? Or have I got it completely wrong and you mean you and your dh want your father to BUY you a property to rent out?

Helpyourself Sun 15-Sep-13 19:22:17

We earn the money to keep the house
For 99% of the world what you describe, the money for holidays and cars is what we occasionally treat ourselves to after we've paid for the house. Did you wonder what strings were attached when you accepted all this largesse?
If for some reason I woke up in this situation, as it sounds like you are starting to do, I'd run for the hills.

Bowlersarm Sun 15-Sep-13 19:22:29

Your father shouldn't contribute to your life now you are an adult of 28! Unless he specifically wants to.

For goodness sake. Tell your husband you are now a married woman. It's not up to your father to look after you financially. You and your husband are a partnership now. If your father wants to help you then great. BUT DO NOT EXPECT IT.

Zara1984 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:22:43

Long story short what your DH is expecting is not normal, OP.

nooka Sun 15-Sep-13 19:23:16

Georgie, have you and your dh not saved anything in the last 10 years? It sounds as if his family doesn't really want him to grow up and take responsibility for his own life. Not that you can say that to his parents obviously!

I can see that you are in a difficult position because of his parents odd ideas about how things should be, and consequently your dh's feeling that everything should be handed to him on a plate. Can you really not just say to him that you will not under any circumstances be asking your father for another house for you to live off?

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:30:18

Ok in answer to questions...
- My husband has said he will pay the mortgage on a rental property if I can get the deposit sorted. (I don't earn anyway near enought to sort the deposit myself in such a short period of time so would involve my father - not comfortable about doing that) I would then take all income from the rental so I don't feel like I was having handouts from husband.
- I've not spoken to my dad about it. I know he would be mortified if he knew my husbands family resent him.
- Can not talk to mum about it AT ALL. She and my dad are divorced and she is in a terrible financial situation so it would really upset her. My husband gives her money to help with her situation.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:32:26

Your husband gives your mum money to help her, yet he wants you to take money off your dad to finance having a baby?

It all sounds very peculiar....

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:34:23

Nooka, we have saved money for the past 4 years to build a house of our own, which we are currently doing. My husband project manages it on top if his full time job. It's very stressful and time consuming and partly why when I bring up starting a family the whole thing sounds overwhelming to him

kitsmummy Sun 15-Sep-13 19:35:22

Ok, so your husband is definitely not all bad......just slightly weird!

It's great that he helps your mum, it's great that he'd pay the mortgage and you have the rental income, but you really need to try and change his skewed viewpoint on financial set ups so that you could just have shared finances (and accept that he's not in competition with his sister).

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:36:01

Writerwannabe - it's about my dad contributing, not the money. His fam can't understand why he hasn't contributed when they have given us so much. They are just very different families like I have already said.

alwaysneedaholiday Sun 15-Sep-13 19:36:27

If you had millions in the bank would you sit back and watch your kids scrimp together for a deposit and mortgage?

My parents and in-laws have millions in the bank, but they want us to live our lives according to our achievements, not theirs.

We had expensive childhoods, but whether we can afford that for our children remains to be seen. I don't want their money so that I am rich just for the sake of being rich.

If I were you, I would have your children whenever you decide between the two of you (early next year or Sept isn't worth a huge row?), and live your lives however you can afford to.

You are going to have a whole heap of trouble with in-laws whatever you do - from the sound of it, they will never approve unless you do things their way. Just have a look at the MIL and SIL threads!!

kitsmummy Sun 15-Sep-13 19:36:39

So you're building a house in addition to the one your inlaws gave you?

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:38:12

He's anything but bad. I said it earlier - he'd so incredibly generous. He just has warped expectations. I think changing our financial setup and suggesting just one joint pot may be the first step actually. Good idea.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:39:31

Well you have my sympathies Georgie, it sounds like you are stuck in the middle of a really horrible situation. I guess this is the downside to being amongst lots of money, they do say it is the root of evil.

Stand by our own beliefs and don't ask your dad for the money. You were bought up better than that and don't let your husbands family make you change who you are as a person x

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:41:56

Thanks Writerwannabe!

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 15-Sep-13 19:42:03

If you want to quit work and be a SAHM then you definately need the blessing of your partner and it doesnt sound like he wants to support that decision. Thats fair enough as he should have a say but he shouldnt expect your father to support your choice either given you are a grown adult.

For the sake of maintaining independence should the relationship go sour or something happen to him or his health it is worth looking at staying in work and maybe just cut your hours down a little.

MerryMarigold Sun 15-Sep-13 19:46:00

I think a joint pot is a good idea. Also, you have to deal with the odd dynamics with his sister, all the comparing that goes on. Don't make that pass to the next generation where the children are being compared, even if it is in an effort to make things equal, it is really destructive because its still comparing. It could get really with the next generation.

bamboostalks Sun 15-Sep-13 19:46:20

Do you think you're dad is reluctant as he wants to see how the marriage pans out rather an drop money into the situation. Hope this is not a rude question but are you Greek?

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:48:48

Thanks everyone for the advice on here! (Never done this before)
I think maybe I'm over reacting re:the scale of things. I want to start trying for a baby in Jan, he wants to wait till Sept - I'm sure we can meet in the middle but either way in the grand sceme of things it's not long to wait I guess.
I'm always going to have to deal with the inlaws, whom I love very much and am grateful for (even if their ideals are not necessarily my own)
I am going to talk to my dad, just so I have a bit of support outside if my marital family. I will not be asking him for money.
I will speak to my husband and suggest joining up finances next year in prep for the future family.
Next year the house will be built and I will have sorted out the financial situation and we will be in the best position to bring a baby into the world.

eurochick Sun 15-Sep-13 19:49:57

It really does all sound very odd. I think he actually needs to cut the apron strings and start living his own life, independent of his parents, their money and their expectations.

As other posters have said, you are no doubt far from the only poster on this thread whose parents are "comfortable" and beyond, but this situation is not common. His parents' money and expectations are affecting your life choices. Not good.

FWIW, my parents are comfortable but were always keen that I should stand on my own two feet and so other than a few small loans during higher education (quickly repaid) have left me to be financially independent.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:51:48

Bamboostalks - Ha! Yes, he is Greek! (I'm not!) it's a typical Greek family mentality this financial thing! The house we are building is on the same road as MIL and SIL! God help me!
My dad LOVES my husband. That's why I know how upset he would be if I told him how the inlaws feel!

RoadToTuapeka Sun 15-Sep-13 19:53:52

I agree with others that your husband sounds selfish. Marriage should be a partnership and be about your situation/ideals etc not a match race with a partner's sister.
He sounds ridiculous; you have to earn an income to support yourself and be a sahm? Well if he/you really think that through shouldn't he pay you a salary to be the nanny/childminder/whatever to look after the children? Are you his employee or his wife?

If you step back, think of this situation as if you were a friend, and read some of the helpful comments above, you might see that you are not in a good position. Husband sounds like an idiot or worse, likely to be financially and emotionally abusive.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 19:53:54

I agree that the situation is odd. But it's not odd in Greek families?

sleepyhead Sun 15-Sep-13 20:00:08

Ok. There's obviously a big cultural thing that's beyond my frame of reference so I won't comment on the financial situation.

I would just say that if you and your dh are the same age, be aware that it's fairly common for men to be "ready" for children later than women. That's ok if you're younger than your partner but less so if there's no age gap (or you're older).

You say he's put a time frame on things, all I'd say is if this time frame starts to slip and slip then making sure that he's realistic about female fertility limitations is wise.

I had ds1 at 34 and ds2 at 40 (although the gap was partly down to secondary infertility). Both times I had to spell out the hard facts about the risk of waiting much longer to start /increase our family. Given the problems we had ttc ds2 I'm glad I did.

MissStrawberry Sun 15-Sep-13 20:02:14

You need go sort a lot of things out before you have a baby. Who buys the nappies, what you do for money for you while not working. Who pays for the bills and food. Babies are very expensive!

MortifiedAdams Sun 15-Sep-13 20:03:58

Er........why cant you still work and have a baby?

Or.....his.parents can gift him.some houses so he can stay at home while you work?

Writerwannabe83 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:05:19

I have just finished reading a book about an English woman who met a man whilst on holiday on Greece and decided to move there and be with him. It was really good and focused around how much she struggled to adapt to the Greek Way of Life in terms of how the family unit is viewed and how co-dependent they all are. She wanted her and her fiancée to have their own house, be away from the clutches and expectations of his family etc whereas to him, the way in which they were living was completely the norm and he couldn't understand why she wouldn't want such heavy family involvement. It was really good at showing different cultural views and expectations when it comes to family life.

I know the book has nothing to do with your situation but it has helped me understand it a bit more now I know your husband is from a Greek background.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:11:42

What was the book Writerwannabe? I'd like to read it! Maybe it would feel like support?

bamboostalks Sun 15-Sep-13 20:12:14

I just knew that there was Greek connection there. It's a culture I know well. Your dh's family cannot expect your dad to bow to their ideals. Definitely do not ask your dad for cash, it's grabby and could damage your relationship with your dad. Be clear with your dh that it is never going to happen. Truly though, as you said yourself, 9 months is nowt. Is your new house in both of your names?

RaRaZ Sun 15-Sep-13 20:13:16

Umm... I don't want to be rude and this may have already been covered as I've missed two pages of this thread, but are you comfortable with this competitive, incredibly materialistic lifestyle, OP? Cos it doesn't sound like it. I mean, I'm biased because I wouldn't want to live like that, but it sounds as though you're trapped and controlled by money. I think your husband needs to take a step back and see that there's more to life than expensive cars and holidays.

wispaxmas Sun 15-Sep-13 20:15:23

I don't understand how you would be financially independent if you have an investment property other a mortgage that your husband pays. Surely that's just a roundabout way of him paying you money every month?

And as for the stuff about not asking for money from parents but being given loads, H and I have both been lucky enough to have generous parents who have given up money towards wedding and house deposit, so I don't think there's anything wrong with accepting that, it's the idea that it should be expected. What your husbands family thinks shouldn't matter, but the fact that your husband thinks the same way does. Obviously you need to have a frank conversation with him about why you will not ask your dad for money.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:16:16

Georgie - I downloaded it on my Kindle, I will log onto my Amazon account and back-track through my history and see if I can find it smile

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:17:28

Yes it's all joint ownership, but honestly, I have been with my husband for 10 yrs, we grew up together, we have been through some really shitty times. I KNOW this is forever. This is a blip and this thread has helped me put things into context. I can wait for him. I don't want to force something on him before he is ready, and as we are the same age, I know it's going to take him a little longer to get there. Next year will be our year and it will be worth the wait. :-)

Writerwannabe83 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:20:29

It is called The Butterfly Storm by Kate Frost.

It isn't like your situation, as the family are not wealthy, but it gave me a good view of what family life is like within a Greek family and how sometimes it isn't always easy for man to stand up to his parents or break free in that culture.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:28:55

Thanks Writerwannabe!

Fairylea Sun 15-Sep-13 20:29:43

Just because you have been together 10 years and "grew up together" doesn't mean anything in the context of having children together. It really is a bit like throwing a grenade (albeit a lovely one) into your relationship. Everything that went before is absolutely tested to the limit, this money issue will become a massive elephant in the room, amplified by a screaming demanding baby.

TiredyCustards Sun 15-Sep-13 20:31:39

So, if the mortgage on this rental property is say, £800, and it brings in, say, £800 in rent, then you, as a family are up £0 per month?

Bizarre, op!

MissStrawberry Sun 15-Sep-13 20:37:09

A blip??

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:47:32

Well £0 up over the terms of a mortgage but with a nice 200K sat ready to use later if needed! But that's irrelevant if you'd read further back as it ain't happening.
I see loads of people who don't seem happy in their marriages, we are not one of them, I know everyone here is finding this situation really alien, but its normal in a Greek family to be one extended unit and to live together, share finances etc.
We will have a baby and it will be lucky to have such an abundance of close relatives with different heritages. Just got to get over this hurdle. (Not blip)

MortifiedAdams Sun 15-Sep-13 20:51:05

OP could you please answer the questions I asled upthread?

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:53:10

I can go back to work, and I might. But nice to have the option.
Husband could not give up work. He earns more money. We rely on his income.

MissStrawberry Sun 15-Sep-13 20:55:15

YOU called it a blip!

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:56:59

MissStrawberry. I know. Bad choice of words. It's a hurdle.

rockstars12 Sun 15-Sep-13 21:10:55

I'm suprised his parents aren't asking where their grandchildren are?! As they seem a big part of your lives, I'm curious to know where they stand on the baby making matter?

MadonnaKebab Sun 15-Sep-13 21:19:20

So he pays the mortgage on the rental property and you get the rent

OK there may be some tax advantage to this, I wouldn't know

But there is no more indepence in this for you than if he supported you directly

I think it is a charade to appease his parents expectations that you should be indepedently wealth
And set up to look (on the surface)identical to his sisters financial set-up

He sounds to me like a guy who means well but is far,far too concerned about what his family think

And that his family have very high expectations about what your lives should be

He should spare a thought for how harsh life in Greece is these days for normal people, get his priorities right and think bollocks to the sports cars, the swish holidays and private schools, what's important is to love and be loved (unconditionally) by those closest around him and enjoy good health. The rest can all take a running jump.

It saddens me that his priorities are so wrong, when he must be aware of the suffering of his fellow country-people.

Thrustbadger Sun 15-Sep-13 21:39:25

I know you haven't and don't want to ask your father for money but your husband wants you to ask him. I'd be really, really, really embarrassed at 28 or even at 18 to ask my dad for money.

Sorry, but I do think its a bit odd that your dh thinks this is acceptable. Even worse that he's effectively blackmailing you to try and get you to do it.

You need to be very clear with your dh that you won't be asking. Just tell him straight that as an adult, married couple you don't feel it's right to be asking your parents for money. If he's accepted a house from his parents that's down to him and his parents. It does not mean that your dad is under any obligation to provide a significant sum of money.

I think your dh is right though that he isn't ready to be a father, he sounds very immature. Prioritising sports cars and holidays over your feelings.

ElBombero Sun 15-Sep-13 21:40:43

Wait

Thrustbadger Sun 15-Sep-13 21:43:22

Ah, I missed the last few pages about him being Greek.

You'll just have to tell him that while in his culture it may be normal it isn't normal for you/your dad so your dh will have to lump it.

Lemonandrose Sun 15-Sep-13 21:47:10

He is not generous, sorry. I think you are clearly in different stages of life. He does not want children now and you do. Really you should have discussed this before you got married but you didn't so you need to discuss in now as a priority.

In your op, you say that he won't even consider a baby until your situation is perfect.

Then you say he just wants to wait a few more months.

Depending on which is the case, responses will vary considerably.

VivaLeThrustBadger Sun 15-Sep-13 22:11:53

I wouldn't be surprised if his story keeps changing. Now its lets wait a few months as he's realised you were upset about waiting till everything was perfect.

In a few months stuff still won't be perfect so he'll put you off a bit more with other excuses.

GeorgieLou85 Sun 15-Sep-13 22:25:09

If he puts it off in 9 months time I guess then is when I question it. I am hopeful that wont happen.

Honestly, he will have to get over this idea of things being perfect if there is going to be a baby.

What if the baby isn't perfect, OP? What if you get one that has an illness or a refluxy colicky high needs baby who doesn't sleep through. Will he be saying you need to get up every time as it was your idea to have a baby now.

And if you both want for you to be a SAHM then he must be willing to support his immediate family.
A delay of 6m before TTC is nothing in the long term. The rest of it sounds more of an issue.

boredbuthappy Mon 16-Sep-13 01:06:28

Your father, his father, his sister...wtf? They have nothing to do with you and your husband starting a family and a life of your own. I really don't mean to be insulting, but you and your husband are in a situation that most people with kids or thinking of having kids can only dream of. You live in another world. Like nother poster has said, a child needs very little in terms of material things. What you provide emotionally in terms of support is far more valuable. If your husband thinks that finances trump all else, I'd be weary.

boredbuthappy Mon 16-Sep-13 01:09:48

*wary

damned phone

GeorgieLou85 Mon 16-Sep-13 05:40:37

So I spoke to him tonight. He is adament that my father should 'bring something to the table' in prep for kuds as he has not contributed thus far. I asked him how he feels this is OK, he says that if I had not had his family backing then my father would have helped me out in life, which is probs true.
I spoke about the joint pot idea, his answer was 'hell no! You are terrible with money!' - I am actually terrible with money. He pays for everything, I seem to fritter all if my meagre pay away on not very much! He does currently support me alot and so I can see his point that to bring another person into the mix will be a strain on him.
I asked him about starting a family (we did have this convo before the wedding but it seems to have changed) he now says that he 'pictures himself' with kids but isn't ready right now and can't say when/if he will ever be ready but if that hasn't changed by 33 he will have a baby with me as he knows its what I want and he wants me.
I've been up all night stressing. I know everyone here thinks I should go. I don't know what I want. I want all of this to go away and to be happy with him.

GeorgieLou85 Mon 16-Sep-13 05:42:54

I really want to talk to my parents about it :-(

Flyer747 Mon 16-Sep-13 06:01:32

Oh dear I really feel for you. I'm awake with 3rd trimester insomnia!

It sounds pretty similar to my ex and I, he dangled the eventually we will have a baby carrot in my face for ages, I got to 30 and realised it was never going to happen. I grew some balls and left. It's the best thing I did. He is 37 still single and childless, I'm 4 weeks off having my baby with my partner who wanted to start a family with me as much as I did with him.

Think long and hard about what to do here, I wouldn't want you to find yourself 4 years down the line having to make the shall I stay or go decision when the writing was on the wall years ago. Trust me the longer you leave it the harder it will be to leave.

And for what's its worth you sound like a lovely girl who deserves a man who wouldn't even have to think twice about starting a family with you, there is someone out there who'd be honoured for you to have their baby, you just haven't met them yet hun xx

KinkyDorito Mon 16-Sep-13 06:21:38

Perfection is an unobtainable goal. He needs to realise this before you have children because it would be a hard standard to raise them by.

Get him a copy of Alain De Botton's Status Anxiety and point out that chasing money is a hollow experience. It sounds like he wants you to both be very comfortable, but with the lifestyle that you describe, you already are.

I was like him once. It's not a good way to be. Life throws things at you and all the money in the world is not going to be a buffer for that. It helps to have some money, but, again, it sounds like you already do. Plus, you both have extended families in a comfortable position.

Finally, I wholeheartedly support the idea of you two as a team. All money is family money. There shouldn't be his or hers.

VivaLeThrustBadger Mon 16-Sep-13 06:32:35

So if you ever had a baby together he'd wnt you to be a sahm, but he wouldn't share money/bank account because you can't be trusted? Okaaaay.

You'd be totally financially dependent on him and having to ask him for everything. He sounds like the sort of person who would begrudge you money, tell you no if he didnt agree with what you wanted the money for, etc.

shoegal84 Mon 16-Sep-13 07:00:27

I used to be in a relationship not too dissimilar to this one. After a couple of years, I saw the light and left. You are being emotionally blackmailed and the saddest thing is, no matter what people say to you on here, you can't see it as your natural instinct is to defend him.

You are going back to him with objections and he is instantly dismissing them and saying no; not only that but he is convincing you that he is right and you're just being silly.

Unfortunately, however happy you may believe you are now, this is not a good basis for a relationship, let alone a family. It's not until you get out of a relationship like this that you realise how unhappy you were and wish you had left sooner.

Are there any friends you can chat to?

9 months is nothing at your age, 5yrs is. You admit that you aren't good with money, maybe that is a good starting point, wherever you choose to take your life. Learn to budget, save even if that means that you need to veto some expensive meals out together. If you can't budget you will either get yourself into debt or always need to rely on someone else to bail you out.

You should not be pushed into asking parents for help. We have had money from parents but either as gift or we repay with interest - just less than bank loan, and for essentials like second hand car for dh work.

It may be hard for him to understand if it is not culturally the way for him but he must have learnt enough about British culture to understand that others do things differently - how would he feel if you had refused to accept the money and living on same street as IL due to your culture?

Also you need to look at SIL life as that is what will be expected of you - does she see MIL everyday? Do they have to go round there set times a week? Does MIL always know best? Will your ds have to take grandfather's name? Do you like GF name? I personally couldn't live like that, but maybe you can - do make sure that you think all of these things through as having a baby is a lifelong commitment to the child and to dh's family too - even if you later separate your child will adopt some of their values/ culture.

I don't mean to be too negative, he does seem rather controlling, but you currently seem fairly happy to be controlled. I would focus on these questions before running into it, and certainly wait until the house is finished.

I do understand that ticking clock feeling - had our dc older than you are, but ttc seems to take for ever and once your mind is on that track you see pg women everywhere, but it is worth waiting a little while to be sure about the cultural differences - and who knows once you declare you don't want children with him for at least 2 yrs he might decide that is all he wants. He is used to being in control and might not like you controlling when his children are born.

Fairylea Mon 16-Sep-13 07:40:59

He doesn't sound remotely interested or keen on having children. Having a baby is the hardest thing you will ever do. You can't do it with someone who is half arsed or only doing it because of you. You will both grow to resent each other immensely.

Lemonandrose Mon 16-Sep-13 07:44:00

I'm sorry but the only advice I can provide is to think about leaving. Not what you wish to hear but this sounds like a terrible relationship to me.

Please don't think having a baby will solve these issues, it will only open up more and put you in a more difficult situation.

Please discuss this with your parents and get some support about how you move on. He is controlling and that is a very dangerous start to a marriage that is so new.

fortyplus Mon 16-Sep-13 07:56:24

OP I've thought of the perfect argument for you to present to your dh!!

Getting pregnant in January would result in a September baby. They have all the advantages at school because they're older than the rest of the class. It's even been proven that their GCSE results are better (though no doubt someone with an August-born child will soon be along to tell you about their string of A*s)

Pity your poor child conceived in September - as a summer-born baby your dh should fear for its future having given this dreadful start in life wink

fortyplus Mon 16-Sep-13 07:58:12

By the way - did anyone else notice that 'my husband wants to wait' is only a matter of a few months?

Antidote Mon 16-Sep-13 08:16:06

You know what? Talk to your parents. Be absolutely honest about the situation.

If you were my daughter I would offer you any financial support you needed to divorce his sorry arse and start over again.

Weegiemum Mon 16-Sep-13 09:01:08

I can't comment on the finances really, only that it seems that not only your in-laws but also your dh want your father to "bring something to the table". Sounds a bit too much like an old-fashioned dowry arrangement to me and that doesn't sit well.

Have you thought of the implications on your future children? Being born into a family where there is so much comparing going on, with older cousins who will have already done most things first, there could be (and given the dynamics, sounds like there would be) a lot of pressure from in-laws and their own father to excel.

And I know it's not a nice thing to think about, but given all this emphasis on achievement and perfection, how would a child with a disability be viewed by him and his family? I've seen this happen in one family I know, with very successful high-flying in laws and they simply refused to acknowledge the child who wasn't, in their eyes, perfect. Very, very sad. The family in that case was Italian, not Greek, though.

Please think very carefully, especially after last night's talk, about where you go from here. I was going to tell you what happened to us, but the details aren't important. Only to say my dh and I have been a partnership through poverty, mental and physical health problems, now permanent disability. It doesn't have to be perfect - it just has to be us, after all, didnt we promise "for better, for worse"?

lotsofcheese Mon 16-Sep-13 09:12:03

I think there are far bigger issues at play than the timing of having a baby.

It's all about him, isn't it? All on his terms & conditions. As soon as you assert yourself, he "puts you in your place".

OP, he's trampling all over your hopes & dreams! How dare he? Time to get angry.

bakingaddict Mon 16-Sep-13 09:46:33

Do you think that your DH and his family actually feel that you are good enough for him?

You say that your father spent a lot of money on your wedding yet your ILs still thought it wasn't enough and they expect your father to give you a huge amount of money for you to achieve a lifestyle more like his sister. Seriously I think your days as his wife are conditional on your father giving you this money for a rental property and your marriage will falter and fail once this doesn't happen/materialise.

MerryMarigold Mon 16-Sep-13 10:16:52

OP, how well did you know him before you got married? You say you knew him for 10 years, but was it a fairly superficial relationship.

I think he has a point, it is soon after marriage to consider a baby. Looks like you guys have a lot to work on. However, his attitude to money also shows a lot about him ,and how he views you. I would give it a year working on things such as a joint pot of money which you spend wisely etc. I would not bring a child into the marriage the way it is. There is little trust or respect from your dh by the sounds of things. He really needs to change this (no doubt he is pretty spoilt and selfish), and you need to consider whether you want to have a child with him.

But do give it some time and a lot of good, heavy chats. And if things don't change...well...

"I asked him about starting a family (we did have this convo before the wedding but it seems to have changed) he now says that he 'pictures himself' with kids but isn't ready right now and can't say when/if he will ever be ready but if that hasn't changed by 33 he will have a baby with me as he knows its what I want and he wants me."

Massive, massive red flag! He's gone from starting to TTC in a year's time to three years' time, by which point there will assuredly be some other really good reason it's not a good time for kids.

Also, I would be really uneasy about his apparent belief that your father should give you some money. He talks about it as if it's his right and expectation! Why the fuck does he get to decide how your father spends his money? And it's all eyewash anyway. As other posters have pointed out, if your dad's "only" ponying up for a deposit, the rental income will be absorbed by the mortgage anyway so your day-to-day financial situation will change not one iota. And as for £200K for a later date, that, surely, is a drop in the ocean compared to what the two of you are going to inherit one day.

It also occurs to me that the very reason he's sticking to this sine qua non condition of your dad giving you a deposit for a rental property is because he knows it's not going to happen. You don't want to ask (and he should respect your sensitivities in this regard), and you don't think your father will say yes anyway. Out of jail free card for hubby!

In short, OP, I'm very sorry but I believe that your husband is making excuses for not having kids with you (yet).

Flyer747 Mon 16-Sep-13 10:49:57

I echo fetchez he is making excuses here. And will most likely make excuses when he is 33. Changing the goal posts and will do it again I'm sure.

Please wake up and smell the coffee he either doesn't want children or he doesn't want them with you. Sorry for harsh response.

sleepyhead Mon 16-Sep-13 11:04:54

One of the best pieces of advice I read on here was "when someone tells you who they are, believe them."

Listen to what he's telling you:

- he doesn't want children
- he refuses to financially support his family (you)
- he doesn't trust you with money
- he doesn't respect your family

Alarm bells should be ringing here. I think it's time for you to think about what your own non-negotiables are and lay them down on the "table".

If you can't come to an agreement that gives you both what you need then it would seem wise to consider calling it a day while you still have plenty of time to find a partner who does want what you want.

I'm not so sure that he will never want to have children with you, dh wasn't ready at his age but was still sure that at some point he wanted to have children with me. I think you do need to sort out the other stuff first as there are huge blocks in the way. He needs to know that you will not under any circumstances ask your df for money and so he needs to decide which is more important - a dowry or you. Your father has already funded an expensive wedding and you and he are not willing to put 'any more money on the table'. It needs to be clear to his parents too. They can then either get over it or you will know where you stand and can get on with your life without him.

titchy Mon 16-Sep-13 11:22:44

I would imagine that what your father brings to the table is his unending and unconditional love and support for you and your husband.

Pity the same cannot be said for your ILs.

I know which I'd rather have.sad

specialsubject Mon 16-Sep-13 11:23:57

haven't read it all - but don't need to, it is obvious that this man doesn't want kids.

so you have a hard decision to make. Don't think about hinting, expecting changing of mind - it won't happen.

sorry.

MissStrawberry Mon 16-Sep-13 12:08:39

He is controlling you as he knows you worship him so much you will do anything to keep him.

He is being incredibly rude to say your father has brought nothing to the table. Even if that was true YOU ARE AN ADULT and should fend for yourself.

You are going to waste your best years on this man then end up with no baby anyway.

If you did have the perfect relationship (yours is far from it) his perfect little life will implode when a screaming, smelly, demanding, helpless baby comes along!!

wispaxmas Mon 16-Sep-13 12:33:12

I'm horrible with money, but my H suggested we have a joint account and credit card because it makes both of us feel better knowing he's keeping track of everything. It means he can tell me when I shouldn't use the credit card and just basically let me know how we're doing. I still buy things somewhat frivolously every now and then, but I find I'm more responsible know he's also keeping track of things. If he doesn't respect you enough to at least try to have joint accounts and give you the chance to prove you can handle it, I would really suggest you take stock of your relationship.

I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't want children because he know it would be something you could potentially love more than him, and your love of him allows him to so easily control you.

He sounds horrid, honestly.

PinkHat1 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:13:47

"i would then take all income from the rental so I don't feel like I was having handouts from husband"

OP, you posted this earlier and I feel terrible for you! Is this how you would feel if you didnt have the rental income coming in?

Nearly every post have given you really sound advice so wont repeat what most people have already said. I do think before you both decide to have children you should seriously work out these financial issues in your relationship. Because trust me, if you leave it until after you have had a child, it will be too late...and you may feel tons worse than you already do. Good luck :-)

expatinscotland Mon 16-Sep-13 14:15:32

I'd bring a divorce petition to the table.

RaRaZ Mon 16-Sep-13 14:21:59

"I asked him about starting a family (we did have this convo before the wedding but it seems to have changed) he now says that he 'pictures himself' with kids but isn't ready right now and can't say when/if he will ever be ready but if that hasn't changed by 33 he will have a baby with me as he knows its what I want and he wants me."

OP: he's basically saying he doesn't want kids but he'd have one as a favour to you. I think he's saying that to shut you up, but regardless, having a baby isn't something you do as a favour to someone else! You've both got to want the baby or it will never work. Listen to what he's telling you here.

Some good advice above. I would also emphasize to him that you / your family are not as rich as he and his family are. He knew this before you got married presumably. Therefore it is totally unrealistic to expect your father to fund a flat for you. Why does he not adjust his expectations accordingly? Ask him why he married you knowing your family was not as wealthy as his is. And then expecting them to behave as if they are as well off - they're NOT, end of story.

Are you shit with money? Do you spend what you earn, or does your spending exceed what you earn? Do you spend it on stuff for both of you, (i.e your house etc), or just yourself? Just trying to gauge if he is right about this or just undermining you to make you even more insecure.

minipie Mon 16-Sep-13 14:52:49

Leaving aside all of the financial stuff, what would worry me is that your DH seems obsessed with planning and controlling everything and creating a "perfect life".

The thing about children though is that they can't be controlled and you can't plan how they will turn out.

How does he cope when things don't go "perfectly"? For example what would happen if you have a child who is ill or disabled? Or just not very good at sleeping, or slow to talk, or makes a mess at every given opportunity? As a previous poster said, will he constantly compare your DC to your SIL's DC?

To have DC I think you (or rather he) needs to accept that life is messy and you have to go with the flow and compromise is usually the order of the day. Do you think he could do this? If not - I would wait until he's had a bit more experience of messy real life rather than fantasy perfect life.

Oh and not a chance in hell would I become a SAHM without a joint account.

MadonnaKebab Tue 17-Sep-13 00:57:34

So even if your dad offered you money tomorrow
How much would you need to get in enough rent to give you this elusive independence?
Maybe your current salary plus a bit for baby things
Say that was £24,000 pa
Then you need to net £2,000 per month in rent
I'm thinking a house / flats that will bring in that much after expenses would cost at least £500,000
Buy to let deposit would be maybe 30 %
So he's asking your Dad for a £150,000 deposit
And your current outgoings might be a multiple of my guess above
Wow !

Even then it won't buy you independence from this controlling character

Because you'll still be reliant on him paying a couple of thousand a month in mortgage as well as repairs, etc
If he ever refused to pay, you could be repossessed and lose your income as well as dad's deposit

So you are not buying independence at all

Call his bluff

How can he say that you fritter your money away when he is a high earner, you have no mortgage and no savings either? What is he doing with his money?

I am so sorry OP, but demanding that YOUR father provide the means to give you an income before you have children, so that you don't have to rely on handouts from your husband....??? If you are married then his money is your money. If you have children then everything should be in one pot and you should have equal access to every penny.

Yet he is thinking of buying houses and paying a mortgage on them (and probably keeping them in his name only) so that you can have the rental income so that you can save face to his parents. I just don't get it.

You haven't been on the thread for a while. people are talking sense. Don't keep this hanging on for 3 years for him then to make out like he is doing you some big favour to impregnate you. Talk to your dad and tell him whats going on. He will be horrified. Maybe he WILL buy you a buy to let but I bet he keeps it in his own name so that your spoit, entitled husband can't get his hands on it. Or maybe as someone else said above he will support you in leaving this twerp.

MerryMarigold Tue 17-Sep-13 13:10:39

Don't keep this hanging on for 3 years for him then to make out like he is doing you some big favour to impregnate you.

This. He sounds like he is conceding (IF he ever does) to 'letting' you have a baby, or giving you a child, however you want to put it. That's not a great basis for a family. Doesn't he want to be a parent? It's not a good situation to bring a child into, believe me. It will end up as you and the child vs. Dad.

Zara1984 Tue 17-Sep-13 13:53:17

Just caught up since your last posts OP. you have had some amazing advice.

This so-called man is manipulating you, big time, and throwing some emotional abuse into the mix too. You don't really have a long term future with this person unless he radically changes. Well not unless you want to be downtrodden and have a child treated as a consolation prize in 3 years sad

You need to tell your dad all about this. You need to ask him for help to leave this man.

I'm sorry OP

MillicentTendancies Wed 18-Sep-13 13:42:57

I am really sorry for you OP. I am same age as you in similar boat as recently married and also been with H ten years .... Sadly we are proles so any parental help is minimal but happily comes with no strings (I'm not being whiny our parents have helped as much as they can).

He is trying to bully you to ask your Dad for cash. It's emotional blackmail. Even then you may get some other excuse, and what kind of down payment would your Dad need to make for DC2?

I hope your H comes to his senses.

I think you need to take the power back a bit. Will your H expect to be so controlling over your own children? I think you have a lot to work out before TTC - take a look at the relationships board to see many sad tales of SAHMs who have a tight-arsed husband who does not value them as they "contribute nothing".

LtheWife Wed 18-Sep-13 17:44:07

Lets just say for a moment he does want a family, OP. You said in your opening post that you feel you can't meet his standards, how does that make you feel? You also mention that he wants to be able to provide a private education for your children. It sounds like he has very high expectations for his family.

How would he react to a child that doesn't do well academically? Who doesn't go on to have a high flying career (through choice or otherwise)? How much pressure will he put on your children to perform well, to meet his standards? As much pressure as he puts on you? More?

Do you want your children to grow up feeling so much pressure on them? To never feel good enough?

LH1981 Wed 18-Sep-13 19:57:29

Hello everyone, please can I join this very crowded bus? smile
I have absolutely NO idea if I'm in my 2ww or not lol.
I'm 32 and ttc baby no.3. I only came of my pill 3+ weeks ago after being on it for 5 years and OH and I have been dtd every day since then.

I've had no withdrawal bleed, or period since stopping and so I have no idea where in my cycle I am. Had very strong pregnancy symptoms about two weeks after stopping, but they have now subsided a lot and plus I've read everywhere that Cerazette causes these 'fake' symptoms when you stop taking it.

I am one crazy lady, POAS every five minutes (all neg), convinced I'm up the duff when in reality it's highly unlikely before my body gets back to normal.

Please can I be crazy with you?? blush

LH1981 Wed 18-Sep-13 19:58:35

Oops, so the wrong post - sorry! Will take my craziness elsewhere!

Crystal049 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:07:47

Ignore everyone on here and go with your heart only you know your husband, people like to cling on to other people's problems clearly what some of these other sad people are doing. It's a joint decision and you should discuss it and do it when it's right for both of you. X

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