Did anyone wish they had TTC sooner? I am currently waiting to TTC(48 Posts)
Getting slightly paranoid about the whole thing. Background: Me and my OH are both turning 28 this June, we have been together 4 years living together nearly 3 and I am currently doing my Masters so wont graduate until this December. We haven't bought a house yet and cant even afford to save for a deposit either atm, same goes for a wedding. I have always been of the traditional 'married before kids' thought, whilst he wants to buy a house first.
I thought that we may start trying when we turn 30, even though we probably wont have both a house and marriage at this point- lucky if we have one- but I am freaking out at little things which actually mean a lot to me- like if I have my first child when I am 31, when my DC will be 5, my dad will be 70 :'( I dont want this- I want my parents to be as involved as possible, and as active as possible. Same goes for me and OH.
So did anyone wait till they had ticked the things off the list that needed 'doing' before TTC, or did anyone get impatient and start earlier/consider the wider family in their decision to TTC sooner or later?
Sorry to ramble xxx
I was 28 when it dawned on me that it would never be 'the right time'. It wasn't long after that we decided to 'see what happens' despite not having our own house, not being married and having debts. I was 29 when DS was born now I'm 32 and expecting number 2. We still don't own our house and we're still not married but we don't have the debts
It was absolutely the right thing for us and I have no regrets about choosing to have kids first. We're a lot closer to getting a house now and we will marry 1 day, I hope. To me these things just aren't as important tight now as having a family with the person I love.
I waited til the absolute perfect moment. Married, house, and perfect time in my career to have a baby. It turns out it wasn't the perfect time career wise after all.
You can't predict the turns life will take, so while I think it was quite important having a level of financial stability before having ours, there's truth to the saying that there's never a good time to have a baby.
Yes as we got married in April 2011 and waited to have a good summer and a holiday before we started to ttc. Still waiting to conceive our first.
Lolly (ditto name!) I understand your decisions, and I also feel that maybe either having a child/starting a family will 'spur' us on to complete these things in life, as at the moment we dont have a huge amount of motivation for them. Admittedly this is probably just due to a lack of finances, as we would both love to be both married and own our own home. My OH's cousin had twins, and it took her and her OH 10 YEARS before they tied the knot! I just feel that my boy would be similar, and marriage goes out the window a bit once you have little ones to feed and clothe. It must be hard to justify the expense of a wedding when you have the outgoings involved with a family. Though it doesnt have to cost a fortune I know, I think it would end up doing!!!
Citygirl, when I go back into the world of work, it will be the first time hopefully starting off in a job related to my masters (Org Psy), all my other jobs have been non challenging admin roles and I am capable of so much more, hence return to Uni in frustration, so I know that if I wait for the perfect break in my career... well, that break may never happen (else I'll be 40 and I dont want to be an older mummy)
Have kind of thought if its not happening for me job/career wise then why not start trying and see. I know it will never be 'right', but did you know when it was 'right enough'? I am hoping I will know..
Twinkle, how long have you been trying then? Are you happy with your decision? I guess whatever decisions we make in life, we must be happy with them at the time...
We cut it fine, got into a good career, got pg, bought a house before he was born. Went back to work ft after short leave so career has continued well. (I was 29, turned 30 just before ds was born)
But, childcare fees equivalent to a mortgage and a half mean we'd never have been able to save for a deposit.
Get onto a first time buyers scheme before you're paying a fortune in childcare. If you decide to work part time, in my experience, it means one wage as the part time one is swallowed by childcare.
But there is never a right time...
Been trying since August 2011 so a long long time. Wish I hadn't waited, maybe dtd in those months when we'd waited would have resulted in a BFP?
OMG, childcare fees equivalent to a mortgage and a half?! Where in the country is this? We're hoping to buy in the NorthWest where I am from. OH seems to think we will do all three things in the one year- buy a house, get married and get pg!!! TBH, we're both pretty nuts and do tend to do things like that LOL.
I think I agree that the most important thing of the three (from what you say) is get a house first xx
Twinkle, things happen for a reason though; perhaps you had things to learn about your relationship/yourself/life before being 'ready' and you will be blessed with a BFP when it is your time. Even if you wanted your time sooner, hopefully there is a reason you will see why it came when it does xx
There is definitely no right time. You have both achieved a lot and you are still very young. I only met Mr Right in my thirties. One thing I would say is you don't have to go for the big wedding.. we did and both of us said after we wished we had done something simple with the family. We waited to try for a baby which I wish we hadn't. Luckily baby now on the way but of I knew how long it would take I would have tried straight after the wedding day. We didn't live together til the wedding so thought it would be nice to live together on our own.
Don't worry about owning your own place either if you are happy in rented for now. I would say get married.. let nature takes its course. I love being married and life has fallen into place for me.
Really wish you the best. Don't worry.
Unfortunately my OH seems to be less bothered about being married than I, but more bothered about children than I - hence why I have told him I don't want to have a baby when we arent married!!! (Spur him on LOL)
I did think that from Underwater's reply that the house was more important before family, as practically how would we afford to save etc with a young family? Re the low key wedding, I completely understand what you are saying, but I am one of those girls how has always dreamed of their wedding, and although I'm not a spoilt princess I would love an outdoor wedding at an amazing farm venue I found, with loads of wild flowers, activities and games for the guests and children, and a live band (OH's request). A bit like a mini festival :S Its a dream and I am very creative so have lots of ideas and visions for it- even have a scrapbook and sourced some of the games LOL
The other thing about renting... you are never 'safe'. We got turfed out last year as the landlord was moving back from Australia and wanted to live in the house And the aim would also be to secure a mortgage with lower repayments than renting would be xx
Had ds1 aged 25, waited another five years before ttc number 2. Wish I hadn't as my follicle count is low now. Been ttc two years, can't help but think that if we tried earlier then out chances of success long term would have been better.
In some ways yes. We have the education/careers/marriage/home and just assumed a baby would appear quickly and it hasn't.
One thing I would recommend is to stop taking hormonal contraceptives and use a barrier method until you are ready.
Get to know your body and your cycles. I would recommend buying Taking Charge of Your Fertility (book).
Hi cosysocks, I'm really sorry to hear this and hope you get your BFP very soon.. Sending babydust your way. How did you know the count was low? I heard somewhere that you can get an estimation of how many eggs you have in your supply so to speak.. but dont know how to do that. I dreamt last week that I went for a smear test and they told me I had 47 (very specific) eggs left and I was hysterical. I have no idea whether 47 is a very low amount in RL
Thanks for the book recommendation OrangeLily. I havent been using oral for YEARS- the pill sends me completely MENTAL so we do use barrier, which tbh is a pain in the ass and kills our sex life, to the point whereby I have considered going back on the pill, but the mood swings, weight gain, and interuption to fertility stopped me. I will track Ov but I think we will aim to dtd every 3 days and not stress too much about ov. Apparantly thats recommended- keep a constant supply of sperm in there!!! (YUCK!)
Hi there.. me again .. on a very personal note.. the month we conceived after a long time trying we DTD everyday for the two weeks midcycle. HAd been every second day on GP recommendation. Sorry for TMI
I didn't meet Mr Right until early 30's but even then I wanted to be married and settled before starting a family, so I waited until that had happened before TTC. (was a bit nerve wracking waiting as the 30's years clocked up but I felt it was important to me to have those things in place). When we were eventually married and stable, I thought it would take ages to conceive but actually conceived first month trying. I had predicted that at my age (mid-late 30s then) it would take at least 6-12 months, at least, if not 2 years, so had settled in for the long haul not expecting a BFP for a long time and planned around that as such (holidays, jobs etc). there's no way of knowing unfortunately!
Now I have the DCs I am grateful that we did have the finances in place and were married, as I think being married did give an extra layer of strength to our relationship, and when you have kids, they are amazing but they do test pretty much all your relationship weak spots, so the stronger you can be together, the better.
DCs have brought me and DH even closer together but DCs need so much from you, in terms of emotionally, financially, time and effort. Once you are pregnant it's the start of a life-long marathon. There are no holidays from the job of being a parent, the show must go on, and of course, you need to keep your relationship on track at the same time. It's harder to be sweet/understanding/sexy when you have got up every night ,twice a night, for the last 10 months +, to see to the baby. Nerves frazzle with lack of sleep. Even if you get a good sleepingbaby initially, the sleeping habits can change with teething etc.
Before I had the first baby I thought it was all tender moments, watching DH rock baby to sleep whilst I rested and watched on with love and affection as a small smile played on my lips. In reality both of you, at some point, will be standing in the nursery at 3am, all lights on, dishevelled, hair wild, morning breath shouting (to make yourselves heard) over the screaming baby (DH: "WHAT DOES SHE WANT?" Me: "SHOULD WE TRY MORE MILK?" DH: "WHAT ABOUT SOME CALPOL?" Me "I DON'T KNOW. DOES SHE HAVE A TEMPERATURE? WHERE'S THE THERMOMETER?" DH "YOU HAD IT LAST" Me: "I DID NOT!! YOU HAD IT WHEN YOU TOOK HER TO YOUR MUMS! IN THE CHANGE BAG! IT'S IN THE CAR BOOT!" etc. Romantic it ain't!
In short, for me, waiting was the right thing to do, but then, I didn't struggle to conceive (which I am very grateful for) so it could have been different if I had struggled. However at least I would have had the small comfort that at the time I had made the decision I thought was best, which was that DH and I would be stronger, happier parents if we were a few years further into our relationship, were married, and stable financially. everyone has their own story but that's mine FWIW.
TMI most welcome! Never enough in fact! Good excuse for regular sex then eh? ;) I wish we could just pretend we were ttc for a while in order to get that!!! Did you have a boy or girl MrsP?
OMG, Dala, I'm getting sterilised!! hahaha, thats real life though hey- we have a 4 year old niece and 2 year old nephew, and I see things like this all the time.. I do not envy my OH's sister and BIL for the most part- they got married quickly and had children young, I have always thought that your 20's are the time for you and your relationship maybe.. so glad that me and OH will have a good amount of time just us before all that.
I would love to add another layer of strength to protect our relationship!!! Armour required! :P
I think that if I wait and dont struggle like you I would think the same- its only the unlucky ones who it does take time for that you would question your decision.
I also think about DC2, and the age gap between them/when I would give birth to DC2. My mum got pg with brother when I was 9 months old and found it so hard, and I know I couldnt cope with that, whereas SIL and OH have a 3 year gap, as does SIL's two children... I dont want to be 35 or over when I'm having DC2 xx
awww! Will it be a surprise all the way?X
ah yes.. I am a bit old fashioned like that.. getting excited now. Wish all you trying the best of luck .. nighty night.. better sleep xx
Thankyou Night night to you, good luck with your pregnancy!xx
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
lolly for what its worth, we spend far less now we have a family than we did as a couple with no kids. We ate out a lot, drank a lot, holidays etc. We have not had a problem saving money with kids, it's just what to prioritise saving for. We're saving for a house deposit then we'll talk weddings. You're right about finding it hard to justify the cost of a wedding when you have other 'responsibilities' though.
Good luck with whatever you decide is best for you in the end.
Oh my gosh YES. I'm 36 and TTC my first. I only met DP 4 years ago and in 2 years of trying we've had 2 mcs, and I'm now on my first round of clomid because I'm not typically ovulating any more. Looking back, I was naive to take my fertility for granted, but we are where we are.
Good luck to you
Df and I have been together for 5 years, have been renting for 4 stayed at df's for a year. In the time we spent there we were TTC ds. I'm 31 and df is 34 and ds now 3! I wanted to TTC last Dec but df wasn't ready so we held off another year til Dec 12 and still trying just now. We are moving house in 5 wks!! And hoping to get married once settled. I think things just happen and come out of the blue.
Thx lollydolly for your kind words. I hope it happens soon too
Yep. I was ready at about 30-31. My now husband wasn't. We started trying when I was 34. I'm now 37, and we are still trying. I do wonder if things would have been easier if we had started a bit earlier, but we will never know.
I couldn't have! I got together with DP when I was 33 and a half, moved in after six months together, TTC after nine months together, up the duff immediately, engaged during first preg, moved house to dump requiring major works during maternity leave, pregnant again with builders in now, and back in full on career for the moment. I'll be 37 when number two arrives. I guess we'll get married sometime after that...
Basically, it worked for us because the way we saw it, if it had taken a while to get pregnant either time I'd be into the danger zone age-wise, and we wanted two. DP and I also have a rock solid relationship due to knowing each other very well from before. It has been and is exhausting and I'd have loved a longer gentle time together but to be honest, I'd have been stressing about my age so we'll have to have that gentle time later in life.
In your situation lolly, I do think that objectively you are that much younger and have a bit more leeway than I did. I think it is partly about how stressed you'll be waiting - if it will really get to you, you might as well be TTCing than stressing.
twinklestar - my sympathies and babydust - I hope it happens for you soon. I have several friends in your position, and having spent years trying and failing to meet mr right, and feeling that horrible sense of time ticking on and it taking up far too much of the happy space in my life, TTC being hard is something I have a massive sympathy with xxx
I met dh in my early 30s and we waited living together/buying flat/getting married before ttc. It took 16 long months for bfp to come along, and in that time I got a job I love and we swapped the flat for a house. I will go back p/t and nursery fees will swallow most of my salary - so we would not have got the mortgage.
When I got pg we had pretty much given hope - we were about to move and intended to get tested and follow assisted conception once living in our new area with a new dr. We had a fuck it holiday and dtd every day, and I came back pg - dd is now 6mo. I am mid 30s. I also have fibroids which may have delayed conception and which would have been discovered if I had been tested.
If you are thinking of delaying I would get tested to rule out anything obvious which may make it difficult for you to conceive.
Hi lollydolly. I had my AMH levels measured by fetility clinic, results mean we would have a much lower chance of IVF working.
What I'm trying to say is I fell pregnant with DS in my twenties without trying, but fast forward 7 years one miscarriage later it's much harder. When I had DS time was anything but perfect, sometimes I think we all try to make things 'just right' when in reality if you want it now you will find a way.
Basically I'm the same as Euro. Had to wait for my Dh to catch up, but in all honesty our relationship wasn't strong enough. I'm still TTC after nearly 3 years, but the amazing thing is how this and other difficulties we've endured recently have made us so much stronger.
One practical thing. I have a friend who was made redundant whilst on her first mat leave. She's since has baby no 2 and is now looking for part time work, but really struggling. There are ft roles available but she can't get in the door part time; it's so much easier to reduce your hours once you are already employed.
I'm 26 (nearly 27)... DH is 30 (nearly 31).
Lived together for 4 years, got married in December.
We rent a 3 bedroom house in London and its a bargain (our landlord is my colleague and we have a good deal... The 1 bedroom FLAT next door is being rented for twice the price that we pay for the whole property!)
So... We are happy to keep renting for now and saving at the same time.
We don't want to live in London forever... Our family and friends are all in Devon and we are desperate to move back there but it all depends on work etc so for now we are staying in London.
Originally we were going to wait until we were back in Devon, buy a house and start TTC but I came off the pill just after the wedding in December and we are TTC now!
We thought WHY WAIT? The "perfect" time may not ever happen... We really want to start a family and so we have started trying.
Turns out its taking a while for my cycles to get back to normal anyway so... These things can take time... Who knows what the future will bring
You won;t know what the perfect time is, you won't know what your fertility is going to be like in your 30's or what your financial position will be. You just have to make the decision that makes most sense for you now.
I waited until I was 35 before TTC, I never got pregnant despite years of unprotected sex and various types of fertility treatment.
Do I regret it? Difficult to decide. I regret not knowing what it is like to be pregnant and not having a baby from day 1 who doesn't have issues/experiences outside of my control but then I wouldn't have DS who is truly the most marvelous thing to happen to me.
We only started seriously discussing when to TTC when we were engaged. Our initial plan was for baby to arrive summer 2012, which would have been "perfect" in terms of career, home (we lived in a small one-bedroom flat and were waiting to save more money to buy a bigger flat) etc.
However, I discovered MN and started panicking about how long it could take to conceive. Then I chatted to a friend who took 18 months, and to a colleague who was taking 5 years and counting (although 2 years later she did give birth so happy ending)
So, DH and I were umm-ing and ah-ing and the day I was supposed to start taking the pill again we suddenly decided not to and to TTC.
I conceived the first month and DS was born September 2011 - quite a bit earlier than planned!!!
It created a few problems (flat-hunting whilst 9 months pregnant and with a newborn is not fun) but nothing major and we haven't regretted it for a minute. I only wish we'd been on more holidays together before DS arrived, but as we're more savings-orientated than spending-orientated we never would have done it anyway.
My advice - get a sexual health checkup before TTC. Apparently some SDT can affect conception/lead to early MC, but you don't necessarily have any symptoms.
I was to discover I had one (symptomless) but one course of anti-biotics and it went, before we started TTC.
When I met DH, I was 30 and he was 40. We got married and bought a house a few years later, and had DD when I was 35.
I don't have regrets. I did not think I wanted children at all in my 20s, and even the first couple of years when we were together, I was unsure. I very much enjoyed my childless 20s and feel lucky to have had those years to myself - and then a few years with DH pre children. For me it was vital to actually be ready for DC and to welcome the change to our lives. DH I think would have wanted them a bit earlier, but did not want to rush me. It is not really something you can compromise on.
Having DD has been wonderful and absolutely right for us. Our parents are all in their 70s and not active/energetic enough to help, but that doesn't mean they can't enjoy time with DD. I think the time has to be right for you - don't rush it for other people; you can't afford to put them into the equation.
I know 35 is quite late to TTC, but that was the right time for us.
28 is still young. I would not rush into it unless you are desperately broody. Enjoy your freedom and time together! Oh and save as much money as possible.
Here are my thoughts on this:
As I am now about to turn 33 and have suffered with endometriosis since my teens I am worried it may take me a long time, if at all, to conceive. It has been on my mind a long time as I have been broody and wanted kids for as long as I can remember!
When I was younger I always had the rose-tinted idea of finding "the one", getting married, owning a house, being financially secure, etc when TTC, but life is rarely rose-tinted!
I got married when I was 27 to someone who was financially well off, owned house, had a good career and I thought it was all good to go! After a couple of years of wanting to have time as just us, we eventually decided to TTC. We tried, albeit in a very relaxed manner, for about 8 months before I changed my mind. The reality was that the things I thought were important (marriage, house, financial security) weren't! I was unhappy, there was doubt, rumours of infidelity, too much partying and drinking, etc. He could offer me material things, but not the emotional support I needed.
I left him last year, after spending a long time trying to build up the courage to go, and quickly realised I had fallen in love with a friend I had grown close to during the last few months of my marriage. We started a relationship and things moved pretty quickly and we discussed TTC within a few months. I was nervous though and put it off.
The relationship I am in now is almost the opposite of my marriage. My OH is 8 years younger than me, we live in a rented house, both have ok, but not great paying jobs, don't have a lot of spare cash, but the love and support and happiness is there. We are a team, which is something I never felt in my marriage. If it takes us a long time, if there are complications and difficulties, I know I will never feel alone, and whatever the outcome will always be supported.
When the timing seemed right to the outside world when I was married, it was so wrong for me (I think I always knew that). Now people would think I was crazy TTC in my circumstances, but I don't care. I am happier than I have been in years, I am in a very loving, secure and supportive relationship with someone I feel I would be incredibly lucky to bring a child into the world with. And that's the bit that counts.
Sorry for such a long-winded post!
Isean what a lovely post!!!! I'm so happy you found this guy! <3 I am sure you will become a sweet little family together, that is lovely!
Thank you all for your messages and sharing your stories and viewpoints.
I think from all this I have become more concerned about the practical side of things, and therefore will not rush into TTC due to just 'age' (of me or anyone else). I think getting a mortgage is the most important first step, and that was such a good point about a mortgage on a PT wage not happening! Also the issue with finding it difficult to get a PT job and being better off staying in same job and going PT.
I have an issue with that though I will post later..xx
I don't think I really answered you original post very well!
I think getting yourself in a good position, be that with a mortgage, etc. is a good thing to consider, if it's possible to do so. And at 28 you still have plenty time ahead of you!
Having said that you never know what's round the next corner! My mother had a very bad accident about 2 years ago, where she was very close to losing her life and has been left quite badly disabled as a result. This has made me realise life is short and I'd like my parents to know any children I might have and my children to know the wonderful people who brought me into the world. I don't want to look back on my life and think I wasted time instead of going out to try to get the things in life I really want.
Everyone is different though, so you have to go with your gut and know you are never stuck in anything, you can always make a change!
I wish you luck and happiness in whatever your future holds! x
Wow Isean, thats some story! So odd what life throws at you and how plans change, I dont blame you one bit. I'm glad you decided this and you LO's will get to know how fab your mum is. I want that too- that they remember their grandparents and have happy memories, rather being told by me what they were like.xx
I am having problems getting my head around the technical/practical side of things.. as follows:
When I finish my course we are moving back to the South East for OH's job (computer programmer). He is commited to the company and is the last man standing after redundancies of 9 people, now he has shares in it and him and his boss are in the process of trying to both sell and develop further computer systems for a particular industry. He has been working from home in Manchester for 1 year whilst I do this masters- but his boss wants him back.
When we move I will need to find a job relevant to my degree, and now I drive I have more options as to where, but I HATE commuting, dislike London, sorry- the crowds, tube, everything and am unsure where exactly I will work (I may apply everywhere in country).
I have always wanting to bring up children in the North, as I am Northern and my parents are up here, so we would want to move back up North when/after I become pregnant. The North is the only area of the country we could afford aswell.. In terms of work, I want to be a SAHM for a while- maybe 2 years, but feel like I need to get back in the workforce as I dont have as much relevant work experience as other people. So it seems I will be working FT when in the South with OH and saving money to buy in the north, but then once we buy a house (and maybe we get married, maybe not its less important to me now) I will want to move back (his work permitting) and get prey/have baby etc. IF we do that though, I will be trying to get a PT job when I have a toddler, in a company that isnt the one I will have been working in FT down South.. I cant get my head around what is the best thing to do/is there a way around it? I suppose we could move down, work FT for a while, keep his boss happy yet I look for work up north along with a house, then buy and move, me work FT in the north whilst trying to get preg, then get mat pay and reduce hours PT????? Its just that OH's boss can be a bit 'difficult' even though with his job he can technically work anywhere in the country, and from home, he likes him close by. OH's industry is clustered in Berkshire, London and near Manchester (Stockport area) so he could find relevant work here, it just wouldnt be as well paid (he gets a nice salary atm)
I am SO SORRY I wrote so much!!! Anyone have any thoughts?
I know this is a lot of planning, am sometimes I dont plan things AT ALL, but I feel like something like this really needs to be worked out and I need to come up with an initial 'best plan', even if that does change further down the line.
Thanks crazyhead - the irony is me and OH met when we were 23!!! Spent our 20s building careers and studying. Married at 32 and started ttc straight away. Now 34 and still nothing!
Muddy - me and oh needed to have a strong relationship to go through what we're going through. It really takes it out of you this long term ttc, doesn't it?
Lolly - that's a lot of plans! I hope it all works out the way you want it to. Good luck.
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