Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

(1000 Posts)
Little9 Thu 31-Jan-13 20:17:09

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Remembering my precious Sterre and very grateful to be holding my beautiful rainbow baby Lotta.

AngelGeorgie Thu 31-Jan-13 20:52:56

Little I love that quote . Someone wrote that in one of Georgie's cards & it always brings a tear to my eye. How are you? Animals are clever aren t they? My 2 cats ( now 1 deceased ) seemed to pick up on my misery after my mcs & Georgie. Xx
Elly glad you re ok? Hope the physio session helps. Xx
Moomins good luck tomorrow. I had my section under a spinal anasethetic . Piece of cake . No probs xxx
Lovely news about all the sucessful scans ... Xxx
Bit of a funny day as our car rear window has been smashed completely. Was parked at Ant's works & in the wind a piece of plastic from a shelter was blown straight in to the car!!! So that's £100 excess to get that fixed!!! We re so due some good luck soon ... Ok?
Xxx take care all xxx
Hope all are

Little9 Thu 31-Jan-13 21:34:05

Angel - it always does that to me too. Someone put it in one of Daisy's cards a few weeks after we lost her and it nearly floored me. Such poignant words. I seem to be holding up relatively well so far, thanks. Sorry about your car. Sending you loads of good luck vibes. Xx

Babyh200 Thu 31-Jan-13 23:54:27

Little: Such a beautiful title for the new thread. I love that quote too, my auntie wrote it to me after we lost 'A'. Its also, by an amazing coincidence, engraved on a stone just behind him in the cemetery!
Glad your getting lots of cuddles from the dogs! I'm thinking of you every day. Hows your DH doing? Sending big hugs your way xxxxx

Angel: I hope you do get some good luck soon thats awful about the windscreen needing to be replaced.......its always the same when things are tight isnt it. Your not alone just had to wave by by to £200 to get our boiler fixed xxx

Blue: How are the girls? I cant believe how quickly Lotta has grown. Love your FB photos with the snowman their gorgeous xxx

Love and miss my little boy more than ever xx

Thinking of us all xxxxx

Thankyou rainbox for the last thread and little for the new one.

Remembering my beautiful golden Ophelia who at least I got to meet. And remembering my beanbag and bungle only here for a few short days but you will always be my babies.

Remembering all our angels tonight and always.

greengoose Fri 01-Feb-13 09:20:09

Thanks for the new thread LITTLE. Your girls are in my thoughts...

Remembering all our angel children, and my lovely Merryn, born in the spring last year and with us for six days. Always in the middle of my family and my heart. Soon we will have bluebells again and the year will have turned full circle, how is this possible? Love you sweet girl. Xx

KleinePoppet Fri 01-Feb-13 10:44:57

Hi all, and thank you little for the new thread in memory of all our children, and especially of little Lily. I'm thinking of you so much. As the others have said, we are here to listen at any and all stages, but I'm glad that you have already put so many coping strategies in place.

moomins wishing you luck for today, looking forward to hearing your news! Also hope all goes well for your friend and her twins, elly.

Love to all. After a good couple of weeks, I am now having an incredibly teary few days - DH is away for work, too, which is bad timing, and my parents are here to 'help' which isn't really 'helping' at all hmm Bless them, I didn't want them to come but couldn't really refuse! I wish they didn't have to see me when I'm so sad - but it's how it goes isn't it, so many ups and downs, and how we can we expect it to be otherwise?
I just miss E so much, and feel so... redundant, without her. My perfect little girl.

greengoose Fri 01-Feb-13 11:00:25

KLEINE... I'm sorry you are having a tough time. It's not easy at the best of times. When is your DH back? I imagine your parents are glad to be there for you, but I know it doesn't always make things easier does it?

MOOMINS... I don't know what time you are booked in, but hope you are either managing the wait, or having lovely cuddles by now!

I have my booking appt this afternoon. (10 weeks). I know this sounds silly, but I am dreading being handed my notes, I don't want to have a concrete reminder that this is so real, it doesn't feel real at all. I will have to go through everything that happened with Merryn, and there is just so much of it....and it was so horrible. I have been through it with so many doctors, I wish they'd just speak to each other! A very small gripe in the scheme of things, I'm so lucky to be here in this position at all, I know this, I'm just scared.

moomins thinking of you today, hoping you are having lovly cuddles. Can't wait to hear your baby news!

green its ok to feel scared. Tell your midwife all about it and how you feel, tell her you don't want to have to say it over and over again. Get her to make sure anyone else who looks after you will read your notes before. Do you have a sands sticker to put on your notes? Ask the midwife for one but if she doesn't have one I think you can buy them on the sands website.

Ellypoo Fri 01-Feb-13 15:27:11

Thank you little for the new thread, with a lovely title. I have that quote stuck to my monitor at work, always brings a tear to my eye. Thinking of you and your darling girls xx

Thanks also to rainbox for the old thread.

Remembering my darling Nancy and all her angel friends xxx

green it's totally normal and understandable to be scared, thinking of you, hope it goes ok - I cried my eyes out at my booking appt, and MW did too! Def recommend asking for the Sands sticker, although my MW didn't have them, they put one on my hospital notes instead, but all the MWs that I have seen have been aware of my history, so def mention it.

Thinking of you moomins, I hope all is well xxx

Sorry you are having a tough time kleine, rubbish that DH is away, very bad timing. I hope that your parents are giving you space to be sad xxx

greengoose Fri 01-Feb-13 18:03:15

Thanks Elly and Fan... I went to appt, but we only got half way through because it's all so complicated, so need to go back in two weeks. mW was lovely though, but I hate having to remember everything that has happened, its all so complicated and rare, and they want to know everything. I understand its important, but it's not how I want to remember Merryn. The mw is going to get the sands stickers for my file for next time, so that's a start.
One day at a time....

MOOMINS, how are you?

KLEINE, I hope you are managing with parents and no DH. I hope you are being looked after... Some days are just very hard, and I'm sure your parents would rather see how you really feel and be there for you through it. Xxx

Hello to everyone on this thread. Beautiful words for our angels and rainbows - both here, and yet to be. Thinking of moomins today, but also hugs to green, little, and kleine. Sending love and light to you all, from me, Mia and Finn. xx

Hello everyone, baby was born this morning, spinal didn't work properly but had lots of gas and air so was ok.

He has lots of dark hair and is very cute, we still don't have a name for him though!

moomins so absolutely delighted for you, congratulations!! Enjoy those first few magical days of cuddles - and do let us know when you decide on a name!! x

greengoose Sat 02-Feb-13 09:20:40

MOOMINS... Hooray! Congratulations! (did gas and air really cut it, or are you just skimming over the ouch part)?! Your little boy sounds gorgeous! How big is he? Let us know when you have a name for him, and congratulations again!

It was quite ouch, but it was that or general so.

He's 7lb 11 so good weight for 38 weeks.

greengoose Sat 02-Feb-13 10:06:25

MOMMINS..That's a great weight! How long before you can both go home?

AngelGeorgie Sat 02-Feb-13 10:43:54

Congrats Moomins xxx
Green don t stress over MW appt. look at it as another step closer to your rainbow. Just a formality. Xxx another hurdle to overcome .
Kleine , hope you feel a little better soon. One day at a time is all you need to do xxx
Hope everyone's ok?
Little , hope you re ok?
Love to all xxx

Ellypoo Sat 02-Feb-13 12:16:21

Huge congratulations Moomins, such lovely news xxx

blizy Sat 02-Feb-13 12:22:06

Thank you for the new thread little. X
Remembering all of our precious angels and my Zoe bear, who will be 2 years old on the 28th. Where has the time gone? It feels like forever and no time at all.

Green, just as angel said its one more hurdle to your rainbow.

Kleine, I'm sorry you are feeling so sad wish I could give you a hug. X

Moomins, huge congratulations but OMG To the spinal not working! Hope you have recovered are both well. X

Congratulations! moomins the pics of him on facebook are just goregous!!!!!

RainboxFX Sat 02-Feb-13 14:02:14

Huge thank you to little for starting the new thread. That is a beautiful quote, I had not heard it before. Hope you are still having good hours and being looked after. If you want to scream and chew furniture though, that is fine too!

Angel great news that Ant has got something, even temporarily. But a bugger about your car. If it isn't one thing its something else! Hope everything is okay.

Kleine I am sorry you have been having such a tough time. You put it really well, some days it is just an incredible feeling of uselessness. Without our babies, what are we supposed to do? But you are loved and needed by many and we are always here for you xx

Green I know it is tough. Having to talk to every nurse and every doctor and all the receptionists again and again, and then feeling guilty for making them feel sad. Like Angel says, every one is a small step along the journey. She is very wise! I'm glad they are keeping a good close eye on you, hope it is helping keep you reassured and calm.

Moomins huge congratulations! Sounds a wee bit scary, but glad he is here and you are both safe and well. Looking forward to hearing the name!

Love and good thoughts to everyone on this shiney new thread. May it bring us all everything we want.

My scan went well, and I am back in on the 11th. Then they will be scanning my cervix and depending on the result we will have to decide if we want a stitch put in pre-emptitively or monitored and possibly need one as an emergency. I wish I knew what the right answer was.

Remembering my precious boy Dexter. Loved and missed everyday. Full of hope for this rainbow.

Little9 Sat 02-Feb-13 16:05:49

Congratulations Moomins. So pleased all went well.

Rainbox - glad the scan went well. Hope it's not too difficult to make the decision. It's never easy is it?

Green - just to echo all the others on here. Keep your chin up and just focus on each day as it comes.

Had a bad day yesterday, but seem to have managed to pull myself together a bit today. Am going out tonight to a local (quiet) pub with DH, Bil and Sil, so am looking forward to some alcohol! Hope I don't get too drunk though as haven't had any since before getting pregnant with Lily!!

KleinePoppet Sat 02-Feb-13 16:42:29

moomins that's wonderful news - congratulations - though I am also shock at the spinal not working properly. Ouch indeed! I hope you are having such a wonderful time with cuddles and feeding and just all being together xx

little bad days are awful, aren't they. I'm glad you're feeling a little better today - and hope the alcohol helps! Well done in advance for going out. But I just want to say all over again, I'm just SO sorry that you're going through this for a second time. I cannot imagine, and am so sad for you. As I said, and as we all know, bad days are awful - but they're also 100% allowed and (sadly) 100% necessary. Along with everyone else on this thread, I continue to think of you so often, and send lots of love xx

green well done lovie - but, so sorry it took so long that you need a second booking appointment. I do know what you mean about hating having to go over the details, I also struggle with that during my various hospital/clinic appts. Echoing the one-day-at-a-time advice on here smile

rainbox I'm so glad that all continues to be well. I hope you're given good advice on what steps to take next and when... What's your consultant like - assuming you've met? I also wish there was an obvious choice to make, but I do know that you will make the very best decision you can. Am also full of hope for you and little babybox x

blizy thanks so much, lovely. You might remember that I share a birthday with your beautiful Zoe, so I have been thinking about her, and about you, knowing that it was coming up to her second birthday. I cannot tell you how much I wish she was with you.

mias thank you too. How are you and MrMia doing? I hope Finn is well, and that you are still, somehow, coping with the big whirlwind of emotions and hormones.

angel blimey you guys really do deserve a run of good luck now. So sorry about the car - but v glad that Ant has found a job, even if it's just one to tide you over until he finds something he prefers. How's Phebs?

Big waves and hugs and love to fan, babyh, blue, elly, wtw, spilt and all the rest of you lovely ladies. And thank you all for your lovely words - just a bad few days, really, but seem to be ok-ish today and have seen a friend, and am going to other friends' for dinner. My parents didn't stay for long; sadly, it just made me even more upset that they were having to watch me being so upset (if that makes sense), and in the end we just agreed that we'd see each other again another time. They do know I'm not always like that... but it was very tough for them seeing it, they looked so sad and helpless. DH is back on Mon. It's the first time we've been apart since having E, and I hadn't expected his absence to hit me this hard. He is also having a difficult time, but managing. (*spilt*, hope your DH gets home safely btw - he must be coming home soon!) xxx

razzdazz Sun 03-Feb-13 23:21:24

Hi ladies, just thought I would drop in to say hello as I think of this thread often and how it helped me through. Special 'big' hello to the oldies (not literally) fan, blizy, angel, spilt, blue, wtw and mias. Also cheese and too if they ever drop in.
Huge belated congratulations to blue and miason the birth of your beautiful rainbows, I am so very thrilled for you both. And to moomins of course.
There are so many of you here now offering each other amazing support and strength that comes from such pain. I do still read often always with the intention of posting at the end..............Please dont ever think that my absence means I have forgotton for that could never be.
I am going to try to keep track of this thread now (if that is ok) and will continue to keep you all and your angels in my prayers xx

Hello everyone, sorry to be so absent, I've not had much chance to post. DH is now home safely thank you all for asking and for your lovely messages whilst he was away. We got into our stride by the second week and Freya calmed down and had adjusted better to him not being there so week 2 was easier. But frankly I'd rather not do that again!

moomins a big congratulations on your new baby, hope you are having some lovely snuggles. Hurrah to the end of HG! And omg about the lack of proper spinal. I would have had the general!! Horrified at the thought you poor thing. Hope you are comfortable now though.

little you are being so brave, but please feel free to crash and cry here whenever you need to.

Got to go, overtired screming child... x

Babyh200 Tue 05-Feb-13 00:15:13

Evening all
Quick post before bed so no time to name check everyone.

LITTLE: How are you doing? Things must be incredibly tough so I'm sending massive hugs xx

Moomins: Your little 'J' is beautiful, well done and enjoy all those lovely rainbow cuddles you really deserve them xx

Split: Glad your DH is home xx

Razzdazz: Hello from me ((Waves)) xx

Kliene: Same for you, glad your DH was coming home home today xxx I do hope you manged to have a good time with your friends.....Its so easy to hide away these days isn't it. I find when I make the effort to go out I actually enjoy myself. Hope your feeling a bit better xxx

Blizy: 2 years this month.....thinking of you and your beautiful Zoe xx

Tough week in the Babyh house hold.....I could write a book out of the events of this week but I wouldnt want to bore you. To top the lot I was 3 days late for my AF and was really hoping it might be my month. I had a really bad migraine that put me in bed for the day and I had a similar experience when I was pregnant with my 1st little boy......alas it was a red herring. I know there are others on here who have been waiting alot longer than me but after 7 months and not even a hint of a BFP its getting me down. I know I've got to find the strength to keep trying but its so hard getting nothing month after month : (
Sorry for moaning because I know I have been truly blessed with 3 beautiful children, 2 living and one angel. I just don't know whether I can find the strength to carry on chasing a rainbow its making me so unhappy so I may disappear for a while and lick my wounds xxx

blizy Tue 05-Feb-13 07:33:50

Babyh, I know exactly how you feel. I just wish i could give you a hug, it is soul destroying isn't it? Please don't be sorry, we all moan on his thread, it's a fab outlet! Anyway, I hope the break does you good, thinking of you my lovely. X

Razz, how lovely to hear from you!

Waves to spilt!

Little, hope you are coping ok, but if your not theme that is ok too. We are here for you.x

I have my period, I am quite glad about it. I wasnt looking forward to a repeat of the past few months, just relieved it arrived!

Righto, I better go get ready for the kids coming.

acsr1987 Tue 05-Feb-13 07:45:54

my teeny tiny angel baby was born sleeping on october 30th they would of been due 12th of may and im so pleased i got to hold them in my hand before they were taken away, im really trying to get my bfp before the due date comes as i really dont know how the hell im going to cope if im not pg by then.

AngelGeorgie Tue 05-Feb-13 09:02:50

BabyH sending you hugs & love. Do whatever helps you keep sane... Xxxx I hope you find something help you feel brighter soon. Xx
Blitzy hi . Glad you re cycles are returning to some degree of regularity. Xxx
Spilt hi . Glad your hubby is home & all ok with you xx
Little ,hope you re receiving good RL support.you re often in my thoughts. Xx
Fan well done on weight loss. I ve put 5/6 lbs back on since last weigh in on Xmas eve. With 1 thing & another not made it back to SW yet. Was suppose to go yesterday but had to pick Phebs up from nursery as Ant had job interview. Definatly going back next Mon. Want to loose these pounds. Xx
Hope everyone's ok? Crap weather again , enough now.., its hard enough getting to & from work without this crap!!! Long day today grh... At work now to 7:30... Roll on day off Thursday .
Love to all xxx

AngelGeorgie Tue 05-Feb-13 09:04:02

Oh hi razz xxx

KleinePoppet Tue 05-Feb-13 17:55:24

Just a quick post to send a huuuuuuuge hug to babyh. I empathise; it's awful. I'm so very sorry you're having such a rough time. Loads of love and here if you need xx

Quick wave to everyone else and esp to blizy - I'm so sorry AF got you, but, like you, am glad your cycle is at least behaving itself again...

Little9 Tue 05-Feb-13 19:46:07

Thanks for all your hugs and thoughts. Visits from friends and work colleagues are keeping me busy this week. Still holding up ok so am going back to work on Monday.

Baby - sending you big hugs also. We'll be here if you need us. Xxx

Spilt - glad your DH is back home safely. Think I'll be ok for now, but the tears will probably be freely flowing when I go back for pm/test results in a couple of months!

Hello and waves to everyone. Hope you're all doing ok, xx

Welcome ascr sorry you had to find us here! Please tell us about your angel baby if you want to.
I lost my DD2 Sterre at 20 weeks pregnant.

acsr1987 Tue 05-Feb-13 20:05:47

i found out my baby had died at a 10 week scan, it was awful, i had to go for medical manegment 2 weeks later, had the baby very quickly, it was really small with big blue eyes, then had a massive bleed and had to have a few blood transfusions and emergancy surgery. the physical effects took so long to get over that i still havnt delt with the emotional side as much. i just miss my baby so much and the due date is forever looming. i feel like if i dont get pregnant before the due date then that precious little baby died for nothing. i cry pretty much everyday and i hate pregnant women. im so jelous. all i want is to get a BFP but i just never see it happening... its so shit

AngelGeorgie Tue 05-Feb-13 21:22:32

Acsr I too have had medical management for a missed mc ,same circumstances as yours fetus stopped growing at 8 weeks diagnosed at my 12 week scan, a mc at 8 weeks then the awful loss at 41 weeks of my dd Georgie.
Nothing will ever compare to loosing my Georgie.
Allow yourself time to grieve , your feelings are totally natural. You need time to work through the emotions . But you will make it through the other side of your miscarriage.
BabyH xxxx sending you love xxx
Little xxxx you re doing brillant brave lady xxx
Long day at work ; basically doing a consultants job for a quarter of the pay!!!!
Ant got a new permanent job yeh... Was offered a role in Bradford firstly ,accepted to start this Fri. However, logistically was difficult with nursery run , distance , travelling etc... Plus £4000 a year less than previous wage but now been offered a new job about 10 mins from home , better hours & on par with previous wage... gringrin
At last??? Is our luck changing?
Love to all xxxx

Little9 Wed 06-Feb-13 12:35:04

Angel - huge congrats to Ant. So pleased all has worked out well for him. The only way is up, girl (have I just shown my age there, oops! blush ).

Welcome ascr, sorry you have found yourself here and sorry I missed your first post somehow. The ladies on here have been and continue to be a tremendous support. I had a mmc where we found out at 12 week scan that baby had died at 7 weeks in 2011. I then mc Daisy at 20 weeks in June last year and have just recently mc Lily at 20 weeks last month. I know it's disheartening, but I'm sure you'll get there. We'll probably give it one more go and then reassess depending on what happens with the next pregnancy. Can't keep going through this indefinitely.

Waves to everyone, xxx

KleinePoppet Wed 06-Feb-13 13:20:34

I am on my way out but just a short message to say - little, you continue to be in my thoughts so often... I'm glad that having people around is helping.

angel so pleased for you and Ant! Great news.

acsr, I'm so sorry I missed your post yesterday, and am so sorry you're having such a hard time of it, both emotionally of course but also physically. It's very normal to feel so low, but I just wanted to encourage you to have a think about finding someone to talk to, if you continue to find yourself feeling so sad. Counselling can sometimes just help you get through the long, difficult days.
I understand your need to be pregnant by a certain date - I am looking ahead to my daughter's birthday and just hope-hope-hoping to be pregnant by then (she died at the age of 2 days last June; my labour was induced at 42 weeks but she sustained sudden and almost total brain damage just before she was born). Yet I know that I will get through it, if it doesn't happen. And I am quite sure you are stronger than you know, too - think about what you've already managed to get through... Lots of love xxx

AngelGeorgie Wed 06-Feb-13 16:37:35

Thanks v much little & Kleine. Certainly a relief xxx
Hope you re both doing okish?
Little you sound like you re managing to look foreward a bit. You re doing so well xxx
Kleine how are you? Any brighter? Hope you re feeling a little better? Xxxx

Sorry not to name check, I just need somewhere to rant for a moment. I'm not well have a really bad case of the flu and what happens today? I ovulate, and there's no way DH is coming anywhere near me, due to the coughing and snot but also I ache and my skin hurts! So this cycles is also down the pan! Booooooooooooo that is all.

fan I hear you! Boo to the flu!

L just slept 11pm to 4.30am! No feed! Can I tell people she's sleeping through now wink
On the other hand we have a poorly DD1, together with 3 other girls from nursery, nasty sick bug going round!
Bad timing as my little bro arrives with his boyfriend today for a few days visit!

Ellypoo Thu 07-Feb-13 08:43:51

Oh fan, that's just such rubbish timing sad

Fab news angel, that's really good news!!

Thinking of you so much little xxx

Nice to get a good nights' sleep blue!

Welcome acsr, sorry to hear about your MMC, I lost my DD aged just 2 days on NYE 2011, and am now 27 weeks pg with her younger sibling. It is really hard, a MMC in itself is hard, never mind all the physical problems that you had to go through afterwards, talking can help - is your GP able to refer you for some counselling?

Hi everyone!

blizy Thu 07-Feb-13 10:56:54

Oh no fan, how crap! Hope you feel better soon.

acsr, welcome to the thread, although I am sorry you find yourself here. My dad was stillborn at 41 weeks in 2011, her second birthday will be in a few weeks. I hope you are able I find some support here and in RL.

Angel, fab news about ants new job!

Elly 27 weeks! Wow.

Blue, well done to lotta! Hope you are able to spend timevwithnyour brother and his boyfriend and that miss k is well soon. X

Big waves and hugs to all who need them. X

greengoose Thu 07-Feb-13 17:04:28

FAN... Sorry youre not feeling well, and really crap timing. Hot toddies sound like they might be called for, and much pampering by DH!

BLUE, what a good baby you have... I'm sure that's it cracked, and never a wakeful night again!?? (speaking as someone with a wriggly five year old in bed more nights than not these days)!
Hopefully dd1 gets better soon and you can enjoy your visitors..

Acsr, I'm sorry to hear about your MMC, it is an awful thing to go through. I have had 3MCs, at 11, 6 and 9 weeks, and my little girl Merryn who was born at 32 weeks, and stayed with us for 6 days last April before she died. We miss her every day. I am also lucky enough to have two boys, aged 10 and 5. I am currently 10 weeks pregnant. I hope you find the support, both here and in RL that you need. I think it's very normal to 'need' to get pregnant again ASAP, and I hope it works out for you.

ELLY,I can't believe you are 27 weeks! I bet it hasn't gone quickly for you though? How are you and the bump doing?

ANGEL... I'm so pleased things are working out for you! And thanks for advice re MW, I just need to keep jumping the hurdles and stop over thinking it all....

KLEINE.. How are you my love? Sorry you had a rough patch. It's horrible when DPs go away for first time (and not great next time either)! I'm glad he's back with you. X

BLIZY, as with others, I am glad your AF was more timely, but wish the cow hadn't turned up at all, obviously. Any snow up your way yet? My OH is flying to Glasgow for work next week I think, he just imagines there will be snow, because it's Scotland, and winter. He's going to be disappointed!

LITTLE9, I hope the days are being gentle on you, you are being so very strong. We are here however you need us... You are never far from my thoughts just now...

SPILT, glad DH is back safely with you!

RAINBOX. It sounds like you are doing well, but with tricky decissions coming up? do you have a consultant you trust to advise you? Will the scan tell them more, I'm guessing? It's all just very stressful isn't it!

Hi to those I've missed.

I have scan tomorrow morning. (10+5) The way it appears to work is I take the day before scan to panic. Housework is abandoned and i am best avoided. dH has taken the boys and two of their friends to beach for hot choc and chips after school instead of bringing them home as I 'was a little bit on edge'. I think he was being kind! As soon as I see HB I will breathe again, but I don't think I will get past being terrified of scans, they are too wrapped up in the worst news from Merryns pregnancy.
In the evening some very dear friends are dragging me out to our favourite bar for cocktails (oj?) and food... I don't really want too, but it's very lovely of them, and I have neglected them very badly, so I need to go. I haven't put makeup or 'going out clothes' on in a year! I fear I may have gone to seed slightly! Im sure I'll enjoy it when we get there.....(nervous).

blizy Thu 07-Feb-13 17:17:21

Green, no snow here at all, it is bloody cold though! I hope all,is well a the scan tomorrow. Go and enjoy our night out, eat yummy food, have some mocktails and have a giggle with your friends. You so deserve it. X

AngelGeorgie Thu 07-Feb-13 19:33:38

Green have a fabulous time tomorrow night . You ll love it. It's great to get dressed up, made up , & out sometimes... FX for your scan xxx
Fan : sorry you feel crap. Hope you come through the worst soon. Xx
Blitzy hope u re ok? Xx
Blue ; glad L's sleeping better. Xx
Hi all; cold here FX for no more snow so sick of it... Come on spring .. Enough now ... Lovely day off with Phebs. Shopping & lunch with my darling. She's truely a delight. Such a character. Xx
Love to all xxx

blizy Thu 07-Feb-13 21:09:37

Angel, I'm doing ok thanks Alhough I am thinking of asking to gt my ad's increased. confused

I just re read my post further up the page, obviously I mean my dd was stillborn, not my Dad! blush

greengoose Fri 08-Feb-13 18:45:26

Just quickly to say scan was fine, baby very wriggly! Another in just under two weeks with consultant. This time they are really watching us.

I'm trying in vain to remember how to put on makeup properly.... Aaaagh! I don't think the dog recognises me, her head is critically to one side... I'm sure I'll enjoy it when I get out, but I just want to curl up with Dp really. (bit sad). Once I've done it this time I'm sure it will be better next time..... (I am now rambling on trying to convince myself, so I'll just go now)!

Countmyblessings Fri 08-Feb-13 19:30:24

Congrats to you Moomin its so good to hear another rainbow baby born after the storm!!!!
It's so good to hear about life after loss and although babies will never ever be forgotten and have in printed your hearts that moving forwards having the strength to try again with success or still on that journey is amazing!!
35 weeks here and counting - still wont breath until baby in my arms!

Countmyblessings Fri 08-Feb-13 19:32:18

Good news on the scan - Greengoose!!!!

AngelGeorgie Fri 08-Feb-13 19:44:19

Fab news Green xx

RainboxFX Mon 11-Feb-13 14:05:52

Hello All. Been quiet here over the weekend, hope it is because we are all busy doing good things.

Sorry to have been absent, and not to name check properly, am a bit all over the place. Had my cervical scan today, and I am booked in for a stitch now on Thursday. I knew this was a likely outcome, but I am a bit shocked at how quickly things are going and feeling a bit scared.

Love and good wishes to all x

greengoose Mon 11-Feb-13 17:47:48

Hi Rainbox. Sorry you are feeling scared love. Did the scan show that this was the best thing to do? I don't know anything about it, but I imagine they are being very very careful with you and what they advise will be for the best, for you and babybox. Im not surprised you are a bit all over the place though. Please use us all to sound off on/ worry / rant through this, if it helps?
Meanwhile, do you have things to keep you busy until Thursday? You will be in my thoughts through the week. X

No news here, been in bed with horrible cold, which is strangely comforting as it means my immune system is less strong, which in my mind is a positive sign that the auto-immune disease might not be fighting as hard, and possibly not fighting baby? I had a lovely night out on Friday.... Must take better care of my friends, they take such good care of me!

Sending hugs to rainbox today, and giggling at green's comments about her attempts at make-up. (Wow, typing that sentence with auto-correct took several tries!)

Very quiet on here recently, but I know that lots is going on. I hope that the thread isn't going quiet because people feel that they can't share their fears - or their joys.

Me, I have spent the last week trying to sort out all kinds of documentation about Mia's Wood - converting to a charity, applying for a charity bank account, trying to figure out the proper wording for the charity objectives... all the different applications seemed to want the same things all at the same time, it was very confusing. But feeling hopeful that I have seen my way through, and we will soon get the result we were originally aiming for - an online donation facility for MrMia to do fundraising in a local half marathon in March. Who knew that this simple ask would cause so much paperwork?!? But also have received a grant from the Woodland Trust for trees, which we have chosen, and we will be planting in the next few weeks. So a feeling of virtue right now, that is, until I find out that I have missed something out!!

Finn is very cute, and spends a lot of his time chatting to our lights and riding a bicycle - his little legs spin furiously most of the time. We have decided he is riding a chopper, as he clenches his fists out wide, like he is holding very wide handlebars. He is sleeping from 9pm to around 4am, which is a very decent night of sleep, and even that feed is generally very easy. But his poo-namis are quite an experience, he literally makes people jump when they happen!

owainsmum Tue 12-Feb-13 14:25:16

Hi everyone,
I have been lurking here for a little while and thought it only polite to say hello. I lost my little angel at the end of December, I went for my scan at 12+ weeks and we found out that the baby had anencephaly (a very severe neural tube defect), and that there was no chance of survival. I had a medical termination a couple of days later. It was devastating, and I am slowly starting to feel better, but I know I will never forget my little baby. I am desperate to have another baby now though, and feel like I need to be pregnant as soon as possible, not to replace my baby, but because I really want another baby (I already have a 2 year old boy) and it’s almost like my body thinks it should still be pregnant. Anyway DH wasn’t keen to start with, mainly due to the grief of losing our baby, and also because of our higher risk of a neural tube defect now. I have managed to talk him around now though, and I’m taking the 5mg folic acid to reduce the risk of NTD. Also I finally got AF yesterday, not usually something to be happy about, but at least I know my body is ready now, and I have a start date for my cycle, so in a way that has made me feel happier, that I know we can start TTC properly this month, whereas before I got AF I didn’t know how long it would take to arrive.
Anyway, I’m rambling a bit now! Thanks for reading, I have been lurking around here and know that you are all lovely ladies and that this is the place to talk about things that are difficult to talk about in RL. It’s awful that we are all here, but comforting to know that we’re not alone when going through a horrible time.

Little9 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:42:40

Well, went back to work yesterday and today. Everyone was really supportive. Got the rest of the week off so breaking myself in gently. It's my birthday on Thursday, not going to really celebrate it this year - can't seem to summon any excitement up for it.

Welcome owainsmum. Sorry you find yourself here but good luck with the ttc. Hopefully we'll be joining you in a few months time (not literally of course cos that would be weird grin ).

Mias - glad Finn is doing well. Lol at the poo-namis, nice!

Green - so pleased scan went well. Have also got a cold but not feeling too bad with it.

Rainbox - hope all goes well with the stitch on Thursday.

Count - 35 weeks! Blimey not long now.

Waves and big hugs to everyone else. Xxx

greengoose Tue 12-Feb-13 18:14:58

Hi LITTLE... Glad your first days at work went ok, and that people are being supportive. Birthdays are hard, and it's all so fresh for you, but I hope you feel the love and well wishes of those close even if you don't feel up to marking it.

Sorry not to read back, just wanted to say my girl would have been ten months old today. So big, squashed banana everywhere, chubby hands. And the spring is almost here again, all 'her' flowers starting to poke through... A time of hope and beginnings perhaps. A year almost turned. Merryn comes with us, always. I love the spring.

Hi lovely ladies, I'm so sorry I've not been on much recently - I'm always thinking of you all. We've had a bout of illnesses (nothing serious) and I'm trying to get the house up as straight as possible before going back to work in March - still dreading it but we will make it work. My lovely girls are both doing well. Taking them to butlins on Friday to say well done and thank you to K for adjusting so wonderfully to H and for just generally being a fabulous girl smile Never been before - should be an experience! H is developing so fast - sitting up and rolling over and loving weaning. We've just started on finger foods - she's v.enthusiastic and v.v.messy! Been missing Erin a lot recently - she would have been 18 months old in a few days hmm

Rainbox did you have your scan yesterday? Loved your Fb announcement smile

Green I'm so glad things are progressing well. Also glad you have lovely friends who are taking care of you xx

27 weeks Elly grin What's the plan for birth?

Boo to the flu Fan I've just had a bad cold but its been lingering. Lots of love xx

Still thinking of you lots little xx

Mias and Blue sounds like Finn and Lotta are going great guns smile

Blizy hope the increased ad's help my lovely xx

Angel yay for Ants perm job. Fx your luck is changing xx

Kleine sorry you've been having a tough time my friend. Hear with an ear if you need it xx

Babyh sorry AF got you and boo to your body playing tricks. Sounds like you've been having a tough time - anything we can help with?

Waves to everyone I've missed. Off to bed now while the goings good - H being v.unpredictable with her sleeping!

AngelGeorgie Tue 12-Feb-13 21:29:58

Hi all sorry I ve been quiet. Having a bit of a shitty time. Ant & I are currently seperated. ( he's staying at his mums) long & short story; 6 weeks ago he went out with his mates, they were involved in a fight( not normal for them at all), ended up at this woman's house his mate knew ( all of them), she asked for his mobile number even though he was wearing his wedding ring!!! As he was pissed he gave to her & they ve been texting up to this weekend. He told me he never wanted her & repeatingly told her to leave him alone. But, upon reviewing his phone bill ( I pay for both our phones) he s texted her at silly o clock when I ve been in bed next to her... I do think it was a case of her flattering him & him being a superficial , fickle man he's loved it!!!
I ve ring her & her response " who's you re hubby?" She's also changed her number 3x in 6 weeks so it appears it's a regular thing she does. She's irrelevant to me. What hurts are the lies & deceit. We re both heartbroken & don t want to divorce. So we agreed he needed to leave for a few days to make him realise what's he ll loose.
We re going to try relate. As he seems to constantly seek some excitement , flattery externally instead of just manning up & realising his priorities. I know he loves us desperatley & wants us to remain as a family but....
I ve given him a list of conditions he's happy to adhere to.i miss him .
However ;
Wtw glad you re girls are well. Enjoy your break xxx
Little9 well done on returning to work. Hope you re birthday passes quietly .xxx
Green xxx still is incredibly raw at times isn t it? Still miss my Georgie terribly nearly 2.5 years on. Xx
Welcome Owainsmum sorry xx
Miasmum :Finn sounds delightful .well done on Mia's wood. Sounds fabulous xxx
Fan ; hope you re feeling better? Xx
Blizty have your ad's being increased yet? Hope you re ok? Xx
Hi spilt, babyH, blue,kleine& everyone I ve missed xxxxx
FX no more snow ... Xxx

Ellypoo Wed 13-Feb-13 10:40:52

Hi all, sorry I've been AWOL recently. Finding things quite difficult, especially the closer I get to to due date etc.

Haven't read back properly, so I hope you are all doing ok.

Rainbox, I hope that your appointment for the stitch goes ok tomorrow.

Got health visitor coming shortly - am not looking forward to it, and I'm hoping that she doesn't ask to see where the baby is going to be sleeping or anything, because we aren't sorting anything like that our until the baby is actually safely here.

Thinking of you all xxx

blizy Wed 13-Feb-13 11:48:54

Oh angel, I am so sorry. I have no words of advice just gentle hugs some wine and lots of hope that you can both sort things out. X

Rainbox, hope you are ok and the appointment goes well tomorrow.

Elly, hugs for you too my lovely.

Big waves to everyone, sorry notice to namecheck you all. X

greengoose Wed 13-Feb-13 12:31:45

ELLY... I think, unless you have a rubbish HV (and then you should just ignore), they will completely understand why you are leaving things until you have your baby safe with you. Nothing else matters. I hope the days pass quickly for you.

ANGEL... Grrrr at your 'D'H. I hope youve given him a fright by making him move out for a bit? Perhaps he will see how much he has to loose. Men can be such children sometimes. I hope you can sort it out, you sound very strong, but I imagine it's up and down.

BLIZY, did you get your script upped? I hope you have a sympathetic doctor. Take care lovey.

WTW... It sounds like H is doing really well! Can't believe enough time has passed for her to be sitting and eating! I went to Butlins with my aunt and uncle once when I was little, had the best time, lots of dancing and bright lights... Your girls will love it.

Hi to everyone else. Wet and yuck in Devon, and ate too many pancakes yesterday, but house is cosy and have it to myself as DP in London, so going to have sneaky nap before school run!

blizy Wed 13-Feb-13 14:19:21

I haven't been back to the dr, I
Think I'm feeling so down because Z's birthday is at the end of the month. I will wait it out and see how I go.

Green, lucky you with the house to yourself! I'm having a cosy day with mindees, I only have the 1 and 2 yr old. I'm not driving in the snow and don't fancy pushing/pulling them through it in the double buggy. The littlest is sleeping and the 2yr old is having snuggles with me on the couch. I really love my job (and half term) grin!

KleinePoppet Wed 13-Feb-13 17:00:34

Hello lovely ladies, I am another one who has been a bit AWOL - I do think of you all so much - I'm just trying to figure my life out a bit, although with very little success so far I must say, and am not online as often at the moment. We'll probably be starting some fertility treatment in a couple of months, if another miracle doesn't happen before then, so everything feels very up in the air and strange.

angel I'm so sorry to hear what a VERY hard time you are having, and am joining green in being VERY cross with Ant... I'm so sorry, lovie. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Life shouldn't be such hard work, should it? Obviously you know you can always rant away on here - but I hope you have some good friends/relatives in RL too, who are there for you and Phebs at the moment. How long does it take to get an appt at Relate? Thinking of you xx

little, as ever, also thinking of you.. Well done for going back to work, and for taking the sensible route and doing it slowly. I will be thinking of you tomorrow on your birthday and hope you get through it ok. How is your DH doing? This is also so terribly difficult for him, I know. Lots of love.

rainbox I will be thinking of you tomorrow too. I don't know anything about cervical stitches - is it a purely preventative measure in your case, or have they seen anything that makes them think it might be necessary? Anyway, no need for you to answer, I just hope it's all incredibly straightforward.

blizy a huuuuge hug for you. I agree it makes sense to try to get through Feb and Zoe's birthday, then see how you feel... but it's so tough in the meantime. Have you got any plans for the 28th? Btw your working afternoon sounds so lovely smile

green enjoy your nap! How's your cold? A ten month old Merryn would have been so gorgeous. Wish she could have come to play with my eight month old E. It would have been so messy, and so fun...! Ah well. Lots of love to you and the growing bump.

fan are you all better now? So sorry you had to miss your ttc chance this month - SO frustrating; one chance a month is so little, isn't it? How are you feeling in general, at the moment?

elly hope the HV was sensible. They aren't always, though, are they...
I'm so sorry that you're struggling - but, of COURSE you are, really. It's just the most stressful thing. You must be having extra scans and checks, as you get closer to baby's arrival date (was it planned for 37 weeks??). Are you still coping ok with work?

mias Finn sounds so so so cute... (I like to think we'd've had poo-namis with E - even though she was so poorly when she was with us, she still managed to fill her nappy, bless her smile). I'm so glad you have him. And, lots going on with Mia's Wood - I'm so glad, and also, very admiring of how much you're managing to do with a small baby in the house! Is your DH going to be fundraising via FB?

babyh just to say I'm thinking of you xxxxx

wtw how fab a mum are you, giving K a holiday to say thank you for being such a lovely girl!! Bless her - and her two little sisters as well - H sounds like she's being wonderful. I wish Erin were with you all too. Her 18 month milestone will be a hard one, I'd imagine, esp as you are coming up to going back to work and dealing with all the emotions of that as well.

owainsmum I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely little baby. You're most welcome here, of course... and we will be hoping you soon fall pregnant again with a wonderful rainbow baby.

I'm so sorry if I've missed anyone!! This is very very very long now, so I'm going to stop, but am sending you all lots of love and hoping that today is good day for as many of us as possible.

Oh Angel I am very cross with Ant and his total lack of control in falling for flattery! I hope you can work through it together if that is what you want xxx

Kleine hugs for you lovely. It's so hard when life picks you up and throws you about and dumps you down feeling all at sea hmm I so hope you get another miracle very soon xx

AngelGeorgie Wed 13-Feb-13 20:44:07

Thanks all very much. Been ok today at work. But missed him terribly last night so we ve talked & he's back at home with a LONG list of conditions. In 1 way I feel a bit weak , like I should have made him stay away longer but on the other hand we ve been through so much , too much to let something like this destroy us. He knows I don t trust him one iota & he's got to re-earn that. I ve warned him this is his absolute last chance & 1 more poor judgement, cock up it ll be over. Just chasing Relate to get an appt.
I , too, am still angry but I don g want to be divorced or a single mum I want my family to work. So , the balls in his court. We ll see...,
Hope everyone's escaped the snow. We ve had a couple of inches , hopefully be gone tomorrow. Off to uni for an update.
Love to all xxx
Thanks again... Xxx

Hello ladies, I am all better now, was really bad flu and so annoying as I had had flu six weeks ago aswell. I guess it had not left my system properly. Though it was very annoying that it fell on ov days, but nothing I can do about it, roll on next cycle. (this also means the really bad psychic was wrong because if I had been pregnant this month then October would have been the month!) Anyway

angel how fucking annoying for you, Ant I am so dissapointed! I really hope you can work through this, for everyone sake.

wtw glad you are better now, Butlins sounds ideal for K, she will love it! I cant beleive H is weaning? this does not make sense smile shes still little! Been along time since I had hugs obviously!

blizy I have been thinking of you and Z alot these past days, Feb is Z's month. Two years is far to long to be without her.When I think of our girls, both at a similar age, what they should be doing, what we should be doing it really makes me sad.

count wow 35 weeks, very exciting. Please come back and tell us the news.

elly when are you due? Ive lost track of time I feel. Im sure the health visitor will understand and tough if she doesnt, shes only a health visitor.

poppet you are so thoughtful to everyone else. To everything that has happened to you this past year you are intitled to feel down, I have everything crossed for you that the fertility treatment works and that you find the right one for you.

owain so sorry that you find yourself here, your precious little baby is always with you, it is very hard the choice you had to make. My DH's sister died of anencephaly, she was 17 weeks her name was Heidi. I wish you a rainbow very soon.

rainbox fx for tomorrow, Im sure it will all be fine as it was for the other ladies on this thread who have had the stitch.

Right Im off to bed, Im on a union course this week and Ive been getting in late for work and having to get up earlier than usual, its a killer really.

love to all xxxx

Little9 Thu 14-Feb-13 10:35:28

Just feeling devastated today! Need to pick myself up but can't. Bleurgh!

little you have a right to a black day, let the grief take you today. It will feel like hell but sometimes we have to have that to be able to function. Hugs to you lovely.

KleinePoppet Thu 14-Feb-13 12:16:05

little I'm so sorry. Fwiw, I completely agree with fan. Although it's hideous, you really don't 'need' to pick yourself up - you should and must grieve. There's no way around it, unfortunately, although I so deeply wish it were otherwise for you. Lots of love and thinking of you, xx

greengoose Thu 14-Feb-13 13:01:18

LITTLE... Another one sitting by your here... I wish I could make you a cup of tea. (my mum thinks tea makes the world turn). This day will pass, this time will pass, and you won't always feel so bad, but it's ok to roll with it when you do, nobody should have to go through what you have, it's just wrong. Ill be thinking of you and your girls today.

KLEINE, I had a lovely daydream about our babies playing together after your post, it's so bittersweet, isn't it? I hope you are finding a way through, and feeling possitive about IVF. I'm sorry it can't be simple. (although you have managed twice without help, so fingers tightly crossed too)...

FAN...I'm glad youre feeling a bit better, but work sounds tough... Almost Friday though!

ANGEL... I hope your man knows how lucky he is... If not we'd all be happy to shout at him for a bit??!

RAINBOX.. I hope today's going quickly and straightforwardly for you.

I had a nightmare for the first time since Merryn last night, not sure why now, but it was nasty, and DP in London... Hope it's a one off. Other than that all fine here, cold on its way out!

owainsmum Thu 14-Feb-13 13:46:20

Thanks for the lovely messages everyone, I hope you're all feeling better after flu, bad days etc. Does it get any easier to be around babies and pregnant women? I took DS to playgroup yesterday and had to leave early because there were so many young babies there, and then I overheard someone I know telling a friend that she is pregnant, and I knew I just had to get out of there or end up in tears in front of everyone. My DS was so sweet though, before we left it was like he knew I was feeling upset and he came over to me and gave me a big cuddle smile He has actually really helped me during this tough time, I think if I didn't have him it would have been even harder losing the baby. Having a small person to cuddle and to cheer me up has been a big comfort.
Big hugs and brew for you all, I've just had a very healthy salad for lunch, now I'm off to find some chocolate grin

snowdrop2012 Thu 14-Feb-13 15:02:38

Hello there, I have been lurking on this and your previous threads for the past 8 weeks or so... My beautiful daughter, Isla, was born sleeping at 38 and half weeks, two months ago tomorrow. She was our first child. We are not quite ready to ttc yet - I am too petrified I think, but you all seem to be such a wonderful support to one another that I thought I would finally build up the courage to post on here! I am feeling ok today - only one grief stricken moment this morning. I still struggle to get my head around it all, life feels so surreal. I know you have all had such a horrid time of it all, and I hope that the little bit of sunshine today is helping - especially Little - I hope that this afternoon is a bit gentler for you.

KleinePoppet Thu 14-Feb-13 16:03:38

Just wanted to say hello to snowdrop, and that I'm so very sorry to hear about your beautiful Isla. Do tell us more about her, if you want to. We'd love to hear.
My little girl died at the age of two days last June - she was also our first child - and tbh I still feel like life's quite surreal... so I understand a bit of what you mean. I'm glad that you are having an ok day today; things are so up and down in those horrid, terrible first months. This thread really helped me enormously in the early times (I also joined it before we were ttc again), and although it's always sad to find a new mum here, you are truly welcome.

owainsmum in answer to your question about being around babies and pregnancy - my experience is that it has got a bit easier, not much, but a bit. I find that I now look at other babies and think 'well, you're ok, but you're not a patch on mine' smile - that helps! But mostly, yes, it's hard, just hard. Please just do whatever you can to make it easy for yourself, in these early months (although I know you can't avoid toddler groups etc - do your friends there know about the loss of your baby? If so, I very much hope they're being sensitive around you).

green sorry to hear about your nightmare. Glad you've forgotten the details, though. Your daydreams sound MUCH nicer. Bittersweet is right, my dear <sigh> lots of love! xxx

Ok I have been procrastinating for nearly an hour but now I really have to go and clean my house............

greengoose Thu 14-Feb-13 17:26:42

KLEINE, I do hope your house is shiny now?! ( mine is awful... Trying not to look at it too much)!

SNOWDROP... I'm so sorry you had to find us, none of us would choose to be here, obviously, but this is an amazing group of women! They have picked me up, sat by me, and mopped my tears many many times over the months.
Isla is a beautiful name, its awful that she couldn't be with you. As KLEINE said, we'd love to hear about her if you'd like?
We lost our daughter, Merryn, last April when she was six days old. We knew she had a tumour from our 20 week scan, but due to many complications, they couldn't remove it as planned when she was born. We miss her badly. I am lucky enough to have two amazing boys, 10 and 5 yrs. after Merryn I had a MC, (and two before her), and I am now 11 1/2 weeks pregnant again. We started trying very quickly, but I am glad it has taken a little while, I don't think I was really ready when I thought I was. Everyone's different though, and I'm sure you'll know when you are ready... Meanwhile, we are all here. X

Right, must go and cook something..... And maybe clean some muddy dog off my walls. (KLEINE, you have made me feel guilty...)

jaynebxl Fri 15-Feb-13 10:05:50

Sorry if this sounds insensitive in here but I just wondered what a rainbow baby is?

greengoose Fri 15-Feb-13 11:00:01

JAYNEBXL, it's fine to ask.... It's the name this group use for a baby that comes along after the storm of loosing another child. On this thread all the women are grieving the death of their baby, babies, or older child, and are waiting to try for, trying for, pregnant with, or have already had their 'rainbow'.

Others are better at explaining it than me, but my understanding is that the idea is something beautiful can come after the storm, and in some ways be created by it.

We support each other through the grief and pain as well as the fear hope and joy, and are a good bunch, through I don't wish anyone the need to join... Hope that answers?

Not insensitive at all jayne smile

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

A sad but very warm welcome snowdrop and owainsmum
I lost my little Sterre on 20 June 2011 at 20 weeks pregnant. I hear my gorgeous rainbow Lotta on 16 November last year!

jaynebxl Fri 15-Feb-13 11:21:32

What a great name, makes sense.

KleinePoppet Fri 15-Feb-13 11:38:10

Hi jaynebxl, I think the others have already answered your question beautifully! My little girl was born post-term at 42 weeks, but only survived two days due to brain damage that was sustained just before labour began; DH and I are sorely in need of the hope and colour of a rainbow baby...

Waves at blue and green (we just need a few more colours in our names and then we can make our own rainbow together!!). Sorry for making you feel guilty about the housework green my love wink If it helps, I'd been planning to clean properly for about six weeks before I finally got around to it...

little how are you doing today?
And everyone else...?

greengoose Fri 15-Feb-13 12:10:19

It's ok KLEINE... I didnt bother in the end....I think I may just give in, there is so much mud!

RAINBOX, hope you are doing ok after yesterday. X

LITTLE, just wanted you to know youre in my thoughts. Hope today is gentler for you.

Waves to BLUE. Hope all ok in your household, and bugs all cleared up by now? Is L still sleeping through?? wink

RainboxFX Fri 15-Feb-13 15:27:27

I haven't been a very good threadmate lately. Please can I have one last self-indulgent one before I catch up?

I went in yesterday morning and was admitted to the labour ward before my op. I was fine until they hooked the woman in the next bed up to a trace for the baby's heartrate and that noise just flooded the room and I freaked out. Properly panic attack mode. And it was embarrassing and awful. They then whipped me through to the EPU and I had a private room there. They did apologise for putting me on the ward, but I felt so stupid making a fuss. I really wanted to be fine and brave but it was just too much.

The op was totally fine, I had a general for it rather than a spinal since I was so anxious. And then I came round having another panic attack. I was so frightened something had gone wrong. But it hasn't, everything seems fine. Uncomfortable but fine. They managed to find babybox's heartbeat which was wonderful, as I am only 15 weeks today.

Night of observation, home today, progesterone pesseries, and a re scan in a fortnight. But I wasn't big and brave, I didn't handle things very well and it is such a minor procedure. And today I feel small and stupid and embarrassed and frightened.

I'm sorry I haven't had any energy to catch up. I will, but you are all in my thoughts. With love xx

greengoose Fri 15-Feb-13 15:56:59

RAINBOX... You ARE big and brave, and it was not a 'minor' thing, please don't doubt yourself, you are a mother scared for her baby, there is nothing stronger or more elemental than that is there? It was stupid of them to put you on the general ward... Not your fault at all lovey, really. I'm so glad it is done, and you don't have to dread it anymore.
I FORBID you to feel small, or embarrassed, and I wish I could also add frightened, but as we all know, there's nothing to be done about that one.
It must have been exciting hearing your little ones heartbeat, I'm really pleased they could do this for you! Try and focus on that, and that you are doing EVERYTHING for your baby, that you are a fighter, and a strong mother, WELL DONE. (sorry for shouting, but you shouldn't feel bad when you've been so brave.... Hug to make up for shouting.... X)

rainbox you are very brave, you have decided to try again, that is so brave. Do don't beat yourself up over how you reacted, I'm sure if put in the same situ I would have done the same. It sounds like you are getting really good care if they moved you and also put u under general. I'm really pleased about that. I'm so pleased to that you heard the babybox's heart beat that must have been special. Let yourself freak out a bit, its natural, if you didn't you would store it up inside and harm yourslef more.

KleinePoppet Fri 15-Feb-13 18:04:42

Oh rainbox I'm so sorry it was so difficult - poor, poor you - honestly, though, I'm not surprised it was like that, nor that you reacted the way you did. I haven't been back on the labour ward yet, but I have spent a lot of time in the EPU over the last half a year, and it is hard just to be there, hard to be around other pregnant women, hard to be so scared. So I can well imagine you felt in over your head, with all the fear, and being in public, and of course the memory of Dex. But, you did it! And I'm so glad the op itself went well.

You know, since losing our children, I'd bet every single person on this thread has done things that have felt unbelievably humiliating - the emotions are so close to the surface, aren't they? I have sobbed my way through so many situations recently and felt like such a muppet afterwards - but, the way I see it, I didn't have a choice: either I could be there and cry, or not be there at all. The same goes for you: either you could be there and feel terrible, or not be there at all - and you did the brave and necessary thing, of being there, and getting through it despite everything. Well done and lots of love xxx
PS before I read the thread, I'd just answered your post on FB - bless you for taking the time to do that, while you're having such a hard time xxx

Ooh rainbox totally understandable! Big hugs for you!

Hi green bugs cleared up! L does almost 5 hour stretches so that is almost sleeping through!

Starting work again on Monday!

AngelGeorgie Fri 15-Feb-13 19:59:29

Snowdrop hi & sorry for your loss xxx my first dd was stillborn at 41 weeks on 10/10/10 :Georgie. I ve since gone on to have my saviour , my 2 nd dd ; Phoebe 1 year & 8 days later. Xxx
You re find we re a big bunch of empathy & support .
Kleine hi hope you re ok? Xx
Rainbox: well done xx
Little ; hope you re ok? Xx
Love to all. Xxx
Have some bad news I m afraid . Wasn t going to say anything yet but I ve been diagnosed with a MC today at a scan . Am about 8 weeks , had 2 scans over the last month , started the luteal support but a scan today shows no definate fetal pole or heart beat. Re-attending next week for confirmation scan then off for ERPC ( again!!!) .
I m ok . We concieved very quickly & found out the week Ant lost his job so been a hell of a rollercoaster few weeks. We were just getting our heads around being pg again really when found this out.
I m ok ; not heartbroken as reason if a problem would rather it happen now. We also reasoned we re so lucky to have had Georgie & Phebs & if it didn t happen again we 'd be happy with our "lot" but I just didn t want regrets we hadn t tried again as time as not on our side. ( I m 42,ant:41) .

Don t know what ll we do next . Apart from loosing weight ( still) , booking some trips away, & enjoying my Phebs.
We ll discuss in a couple of weeks if we knock it on the head or try again. It's not the emotional side that upsets or worries me so much it's the overall disruption to my life.i have to attend EPU twice a week for luteal support, 2 weekly scans , time out of work & it's emotionally draining.
But we ll see.....if I knew all was going to fine no probs I'd anything but if it all goes " tits up" 4 weeks down the line.... X
However, you've got to be in to win!!!!
Love to all xxxx

snowdrop so sorry that you find yourself here. Isla is a beautiful name, it was one we had considered. Please tell us more about her if you wish.

angel oh lovely I'm so sorry, I really am. And you've been keeping that to yourself, its never easy really what ever stage obvisouly not as deverstating as losing a baby at a longer gestation but still after what we have been through a mc is a real kick in the guts.

angel hugs x

owainsmum Fri 15-Feb-13 22:11:24

RAINBOX well done for being brave even if you didn't feel like it at the time, fingers crossed for you x
ANGEL so sorry to hear your news, I know its hard when you have a toddler but try to rest as much as you can x
I've been thinking about my little angel a lot today, probably because I have been in lots of meetings and my mind has been wandering. On the train this morning it was lovely and sunny and I couldn't help thinking of my angel in heaven, sleeping on a lovely soft fluffy white cloud with all the other angel babies. not sure why I thought of that but it was comforting but also made feel sad and then I couldn't get the thought out of my head all day.
Anyway hope you all are doing ok x

AngelGeorgie Fri 15-Feb-13 23:19:37

Thanks all. Had a good old cry but over Georgie tonight. I Sound mean & hard faced but for me to have a mc at this stage I m never particularly surprised or shocked as this is the third mc I ve had. For me at this stage it's not a baby ; a fetus where as Georgie was obviously , a fully formed perfect angel. That's only how I view my situation and for me personally no loss ever will compare to the loss of Georgie.
Thanks for all your support again. Sick of coming on here & only ever posting crappy news , I m starting to bore myself now!!!!xxx
Thanks Fan. Hope you re flu is finally improving? Xx
Hi Blue ; thanks x love to your girls cx
Hi Owainsmum x thanks

KleinePoppet Sat 16-Feb-13 10:11:47

angel I'm just so so sorry. Oh, poor you. I felt v similarly to you about my m/c - my grief was all about E, not the early pg I'd lost. I'm so glad you have Phebs there to comfort you, and I hope so much that you & Ant are able to pull together through this, despite everything that's been going on. Goodness, the 'rollercoaster' in the title of this thread really, truly describes your life at the moment doesn't it? Take very good care of yourself, please, my dear, I'm just so sorry to hear your news xx

Also thinking esp of rainbox and little today xx

KleinePoppet Sat 16-Feb-13 10:20:38

PS for owainsmum - I thought of you yesterday, as you'd so recently asked if it gets easier with other babies/pregnancies - yesterday we heard that friends have just had a baby girl. And for the first time since E died, eight months ago, I wasn't upset or jealous or anything really - I just thought, thank goodness the baby's arrived safely. I still feel the same today! So there IS hope... really, it has got easier. xx

greengoose Sat 16-Feb-13 10:27:52

ANGEL, I'm sorry this has happened to you love, mCs are horrible.
I think I feel the same way as you about them when they are early on, (I've had 3 too, and am 40). But the loss of hope and what might have been is still very difficult. (I know everyone feels and handles loss of any type individually).
I understand what you mean about working out whether to try again. I'm sure you will make the decissions that are right for you all, but not easy.
Youre having such a tough run of it just now, I do hope Ant is stepping up and being there now this has happened? he should be spoiling you!

Ellypoo Sat 16-Feb-13 12:52:17

Oh angel I'm so sorry xxx I'm sorry also that you have kept it to yourself, sending many hugs and much love xxx

Rainbox well done on getting through the op, you did really well - there is no wonder you were stressed on the labour ward, how stupid of them to put you there in the first place. I hope you are relaxing a bit now, how fab to have heard the HB too, that's wonderful!

Welcome to snowdrop & owainsmummy - this place is filled with fab, supportive ladies who truly do know what you are experiencing - they have helped me (us all) so much.
My DD1 died aged 2 days on NYE 2011 because she had been starved of oxygen (blood clots in placenta and IUGR) which caused too much damage for her to survive. I'm now 28+4 wks pg with her rainbow brother or sister. It is a truly terrifying time which is getting harder to further the pg progresses, but my consultant and mws are keeping a very close eye on us this time, with regular monitoring and scans which is reassuring.

Thinking of you all xxx

AngelGeorgie Sat 16-Feb-13 20:51:49

Thanks all very much xxxAnt is being very good doing everything he's supposed to be doing . Hope ok today just had a large glass of wine so always helps (as u can see!!!)
Thanks all again xxxx

Babyh200 Sat 16-Feb-13 21:44:36

Evening all
Just popped on to say hello after a couple of weeks away from MN.

I will catch up on the thread over the next few days but just wanted to send massive hugs to ANGEL so very sorry to hear about your MC on top of everything else.
What an incredibly tough time your having and an emotional rollecoster you've been on since the start of the year. It sounds like you and Ant are back on track now after a rocky patch and I hope he continues to offer you the support you deserve. (make sure he keeps that wine glass topped up!)Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rainbox: Thinking of you and Babybox you have been incredibly brave. The hospital must have brought back so many raw emotions. I don't know how I would cope if I had to go back there even though I understand it would be part and parcel of a rainbow baby! So glad you got to hear the little boxes heartbeat thumping away smile xxxxxxxx

Thinking of you all xxxxxxxxxx

AngelGeorgie Sat 16-Feb-13 23:25:36

Thanks babyH xxx
A side of all this that bugs me is my SIL ( who gets on with no one in the family) is also pg . She's a manipulative, spoilt brat who has been rude & ignorant to my parents previously numerous times. ( she ll sit outside their house now when my brother pops in!!!) . She's already " suffering" from morning sickness to the point they ve moved much closer to her work ( they rent) she's 11 weeks gone!!!!!!
However, as much as I love my brother (& I do he's fab apart from her) I know they ll sail through a stress free pg , all will be fine , the baby will arrive on the due date :easy peasy. It's her 12 week scan on Monday & it ll ve fine. Grh..., its so u fair. Some people sail through life without a care or worry constantly achieving all their goals whereas others have crop after crop of bad luck .( thinking of all you lovely lot) .
I sound bitter ,trying not to be as I ve got such a lot to be grateful for but how come for us what is suppose to be the most natural process in the world isn t??? It's fraught with so many hurdles from conceiving to having an actual baby 9 months later..,
Comes back to its not fair. I will live this neice or newphew as part of my bro & I love him. It's mum is irrelevant to me & my bro has obviously experienced loss of Georgie & was terribly supportive . ( he set up the charity we site in Georgie's name that raised £1500++ ) however, I know his baby will be just fine..., grh....,
Just needed to rant xxxx

angel big hugs here for you. You are never boring, and ranting is definitely accepted!! You are one of the most resilient, brave people I know, and this MC makes me so sad for you. You sound very philosophical about it all, but it still must hurt.

rainbox of course you were brave. You were doing something hard for you personally, but you were doing it as a mother, because it was the right thing to do, regardless of the emotional cost to you - and that is amazing.

Hello to oweinsmum and snowdrop - I won't say welcome, as this is a place where you never expected to be... but the ladies here are wonderful. I lost my beautiful red-headed Mia at the age of 13 months, totally unexpectedly, in October 2011. Wow, that sounds so long ago, but it feels like yesterday... In December, MrMia and I welcomed her brother Finn, into the world. M rainbow pregnancy was emotionally tough, as I truly could not allow myself to believe anything good could happen in my life again, but he arrived safe and sound. He is now sitting next to me, chatting, and sucking his fist furiously. These women here helped and encouraged me all the way, and for that, I am forever grateful.

Little9 Sun 17-Feb-13 21:11:14

Angel - so sorry my lovely. What a rollercoaster! Wish the dips would go away permanently for all of us, but I guess that ain't gonna happen. Hope you feel a bit better for ranting. Big hugs.

Rainbox - glad all went well in the end. As everyone else has said you have been so brave. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Not feeling too bad at the moment. Did some baking today for the first time since I was a teenager!!! Tried some chocolate cupcakes which didn't turn out too bad. I start exercising again next week. Gonna do streetdance on tues, ballet on weds, and dog agility on thurs. I'd better take it easy in all of them so I don't end up injuring myself as haven't exercised for quite a few months. Was really looking forward to them until today when I tried to decide what to where to them. Gonna look like a right unfit chuffer blush but hey.....gotta start somewhere.

Big hugs to everyone. xxx

AngelGeorgie Mon 18-Feb-13 16:43:51

Have to come on for another rant: firstly I m off work for 2 weeks now so rung my mum earlier. I started saying as its my sil's scan today no doubt everything would be fine & I d rather not know as can t cope at the moment & let them just get on with it. My mum's reply " oh don t be horrible your brother is lovely" me " yes , but so am I & I 'd didn t deserve this bad luck" her : " we'll you ve had you re fun travelling all those years & if you'd have been doing all this 10 years ago you wouldn t be going through this!!!" Incidentally she didn r want my brother to have bad luck or suffer a mc ,like I have & as a side line my brither's had a charmed life. Last year spent 10 months travelling the world on a sabbatical!!!!
FFS ......
Then I recieved a text from my brother along the lines of " baby measuring 13+3 , wriggling around. All fine. So happy" I find that highly insensitive & tactless. Have n t replied as will put something highly inflammable to him.
Excuse me but f***ing families!!!
Bas****s I m so fuming.
Thanks all for being my sounding board & love xxxx

greengoose Mon 18-Feb-13 16:59:50

Angel... Grrrrrr. How can they be so insensitive? I sometimes think that if bad things happen a few times then (some) people stop thinking it matters anymore, like it doesn't hurt, or we are 'used' to it, or have 'brought it on' by daring to keep trying. How dare they?
I somehow expected more of your brother, he sounded better than that. Is it worth telling him you are struggling? (I know he shouldn't need told)?
Anyway, I'll stop ranting along side you... Please spoil yourself a bit, really nice chocolate and some wine, whatever you want on TV and get Ant to give you a really long head massage, until his fingers ache (I'm still a little bit cross with him). How are you doing physically? Do you have painkillers and hot water bottle in incase it happens on its own? Take care love! X

LITTLE, your cakes sound yummy! V impressed (though slightly exhausted thinking about) your exercise plans for the week ahead. Well done you!

RAINBOX.. I hope your feeling a little more steady, both physically and in yourself. You are being put through it, but every day is a day further and a day you don't have to do again on the road to your baby. You are doing an amazing job. X

snowdrop2012 Mon 18-Feb-13 18:06:13

Thank you all so much for your warm welcome. Although no one wants to be on this thread, it is a comfort to know others understand.

Isla was a honeymoon baby - we got married last March- and my pregnancy was pretty straightforward. The usual morning sickness, back pain etc but nothing to worry about really. I had a growth scan at 32 weeks and a breach scan at 36 weeks (she wasn't breach) and the day before it all happened, I had my 38 week scan and heard her heartbeat perfectly as all the previous times. The MW spoke about booking in for a sweep on 2 January (Isla was due on Christmas Day) and all was fine. The following day I went about my day as usual. She was never very active in the morning so it wasn't until mid afternoon that I noticed I hadn't felt her moving, I tried having a rest and drinking cold water like they suggested but nothing happened so we went to the hospital but they couldn't find a heartbeat. Then the world stopped as we tried to come to terms with it. We decided to go home and come back on the Saturday (it was Thursday night when we found out) to be induced. My labour was quite straightforward really and although I thought I'd never be able to get through it, we managed with my mum's support and the labour wasn't too bad pain wise. I was so pleased in the end that I gave birth to her naturally, one final thing I could do really. She was born at 11.10pm on 15th December. We were convinced that she was going to be a boy so were really surprised when the MW said she was a girl! She was so beautiful with lovely long fingers and legs. She looked so peaceful and I am so grateful we got to spend time with her, and my mum, dad, and mother in law all got to see her and hold her too which was special. We still don't know what happened to our angel but we are due to meet the consultant about her PM results on 28th.

And now I can't quite believe this is my life. Sometimes I wonder if this really happened, if I was actually pregnant or have I imagined everything? It just seems so strange that you can be 9 months pregnant and then not be pregnant any more but not have a baby to hold either.

I have had some ok days recently, but then this weekend I felt bereft like the early days all over again. I guess it is to be expected.

Thank you so much for reading, and sorry for such a long post. I think you are all so incredibly brave, what you have been through and trying again. I hope someday soon I will gain your strength to try for a rainbow.

I hope you are all ok and today has been gentle on you all. Sending lots of hope and wishes to all of you but especially those carrying Rainbows and waiting for BFPs smile xxx

ps Angel have just read your post - I am sorry that you are having to deal with such insensitivity from family, I cannot believe they have said/done that! I sometimes think we would be better off without mobile phones - I think people just send off text messages without giving a second thought to how they might be hurting people.

snowdrop thankyou for sharing Isla's story, it brought tears to my eyes. My daughter Ophelia was stillborn on 27th April 2011, she had a true knot in her cord. I went into labour thinking all was ok but when the midwife checked for a heartbeat there wasn't one. I thought she was a boy too.
Isla sounds beautiful.
The grief train hits you often in the first few months, but as time goes by it becomes less of a shock and more something you just carry with you.

angel booooooooooooooooo to your mum for saying such things! Unbeleiveable, I hope she truly regrets it.

AngelGeorgie Mon 18-Feb-13 20:22:47

Snowdrop xxxx Isla is a lovely name. My first dd was stillborn at 41 weeks due to E. coli on 10/10/10; Georgie. I still miss her every day , even 2.5 years on & think of her all the time. It's so hard & certainly I think, if I ve survived loosing Georgie I ll survive anything now. Hope you ve got good RL support . I did & found counselling helped me ( I got it through my work) we are a supportive , empathetic bunch here for hand holding or general ranting xxxxx
Green ; thanks xxx hope u re ok? Are you re boys on half term?xx yes , I think you re right. My brother is , generally, very caring ( apart from when he gets his head stuck up his arse!!!) I ve spoke to my sister & she's recieved the same ; a group text!!!
I m going on what my bro usually says when I text him & he doesn t respond " oh I didn t realise it required an response!!" I m digested with him. As for my mum I won t be contacting her she ll have to make the effort now.
Fan ; thanks xxx hope u re feeling better? It's disgusting . Talk about being kicked when you re down...
Sorry all for hijacking the thread .hope everyone's ok? Having a better time than I am at the moment!!! Off to lunch with a friend tomorrow ; that ll help xxxx

Babyh200 Mon 18-Feb-13 23:19:16

Evening all

SNOWDROP: So very sorry to meet you here I read your story with a heavy heart..........I just wish there was a way to stop this happening to so many people. Your little girl sounds gorgeous, Isla is a lovely name. My baby boy Adam was stillborn last July at 38+4 just 5 days before my planned c-section. I attended hospital after reduced movement/change of pattern but he was already gone when we got there. As the other ladies have said it does get easier gradually but it never goes away. I am lucky enough to be blessed with Adams 2 older siblings but I am desperate for a rainbow baby and hope we will be lucky enough to conceive again one day soon.

Oweinsmum: Also very sorry to meet you here and for your loss xxxx

Angel: Feel like slapping your family grrrrr they have made me angry tonight. Your deserve to have your baby the same as anyone else. Big hugs sorry they are being so insensitive towards you xxxxxxx

Sending lots of love and good vibes to Green, Fan, Little, Blizy, Mias, Rainbox Elly, Kliene and anyone else I've missed xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ellypoo Tue 19-Feb-13 12:34:33

Thank you for sharing Isla with us snowdrops.

As the others have said, it is so so hard, particularly in the first few months. It does get slightly less intense generally, but there are still bad days and better days - someone onec told me that the grief is like having a really big, jagged sharp stone inside you - it is agony to begin with, but over time the edges soften and smooth - the stone is still there and always will be, but the initial rawness fades slightly.

angel, I feel so angry for you at the moment - I can't get over just how unsympathetic people can be sometimes, particularly people who you really should be able to count on for support xxx I'm glad Ant is looking after you - he'll feel all our wrath if he starts playing up again so tell him to watch out xx

little I'm pleased that you are managing to do things, your exercise plans sound good, but way too energetic for me!! I could help eat the cakes, that's about all I'm up to at the moment.

How are the rest of you doing? I hope you are all ok.

It was my birthday yesterday, so had a lovely afternoon out - lunch with my Mum, DSis & Uncle (the one with lung cancer - he has just started chemo after the radiotherapy in Jan), then went out for a bit with DH and then last night went for a meal with DH and his DBro & GF - it was really lovely, thoroughly enjoyed it, but am absolutely shattered today!! Was in bed by 10pm too!!!

Thinking of you all, as always xxx

blizy Tue 19-Feb-13 13:33:26

Snowdrop, thank you for sharing Isla with us,she sounds just perfect. I have a similar story to yours, I went for monitoring because of reduced movements on 26th feb 2011 but my dd, Zoe, was already gone. My labour was induced and I gave birth on 28th feb 2011 at 41 weeks to my sleeping angel. I am so sorry that Isla can't be with you. X

Angel, my lovely, so so sorry to read about your mc and the way your family are treating you is crap. I hope you ar doing ok? X

Rainbox, how are you after the op? I have been thinking about you and dexter today x

Massive waves to everyone of you fantastic ladies. X

KleinePoppet Tue 19-Feb-13 21:30:01

As the others have said, thank you snowdrop for telling us about your beautiful daughter. I do love hearing about everyone's babies, though it's so sad to hear your story... I'm so sorry she's not with you now. It's the worst thing in the world.
A few months ago, I wrote the same sentence as you: 'I can't quite believe this is my life'. I remember it all so well - the physical, overwhelming, utterly shattering grief. Sadly, you are right, that having terrible days (when you feel exactly as you did in the beginning) are to be expected. I'm glad that you do know that, though - it would be even more terrifying, if you didn't, wouldn't it?
For me, eight months on, I DO mostly believe that this is my life, and it is easier to live it now. Not easy! But easier. We'll be here to help you through xx

angel I am so furious with your family. And just gutted for you, that they're not supporting you. Argh!!! I'm so sorry. How are you feeling - physically, emotionally, mentally? And how are you and Ant doing? This is a lot to deal with anyway, but obviously you guys are having a tough time at the moment as well. I really feel for you. Wish I lived nearby and could come and chat and listen and look after you. Lots of love xxx

little well done on the baking and all the exercising plans and for doing all that you can to keep going and stay positive. You're truly doing wonderfully. I think of you so often xx

blizy I've been thinking of you with Zoe's birthday coming up next week. I will, of course, be thinking of her, my birthday-twin, on the day - and of you and your DH too. I hope you're 'managing', just getting through these days, until it's passed and you can think about what to do about ADs, and everything else. Huge hugs to you xxxxx

Also a delayed happy birthday elly! You deserved a great day... hope you feel a little less tired soon. It's very exhausting, growing a little person, isn't it?! And how are you doing, anxiety-wise - and are the hospital helping you deal with it all? I hope so, so very much xx

I'm not going to write much more just now, but big waves to mias, green, fan, and esp to babyh - it's lovely to see you back, my dear.
Also waves to everyone else smile and rainbox, I hope you're recovering.

Early night for me. I shall go and read my book and enjoy having my big bed to myself - DH has been away for work for a couple of days again. (But v much looking forward to having him home again. If for no other reason than that the house is so QUIET without him. I mean, it's much too quiet anyway, but when it's just me... it's more noticeable. Luckily he's on his way home already and will be back in the middle of the night!)
Sleep well everyone xx

AngelGeorgie Tue 19-Feb-13 22:14:19

Kleine thanks a million xxx I , too, wish you lived near me for some RL support however everyone's support on here means the world. I m shattered , feel sick , having nightmares & disturbed sleep. Wish this week was over & done with .i ve not heard from my mum which suits me at the moment . As with regards to my brother I won t hear from him I quite often go weeks without any contact. This whole situation has bought Ant & I closer together so every cloud I guess.... What are you reading? Know what you mean love having our bed to myself but sleep better when Ant's here. Thanks xxxx
Blitzy ...thanks xxx as I say just keeping my head down . Had a lovely lunch out with a friend today . Just what I needed. Thinking of Zoe' s impending birthday. Are you doing anything for it? Xxx
Elly a belated happy birthday. Glad you had a lovely day. I m like you at the moment ; knackered & wanting to sleep loads. I suppose , it's the emotional stress. Hope all is well with you? Thanks xxx
Thanks again for all you re support & offers of " face slapping" xxxx
Hi & love to all; Miasmum, Fan,BabyH, Little( hope you re ok?), Blue, spilt & anyone I ve missed :Green xxxxcx
Once again ; you ve all proven yourselves to be of great support xxxx

Little9 Tue 19-Feb-13 23:28:48

Sorry, just ranting. DH´s van was broken into last night and some of his gardening tools stolen which cost him about £300. They broke one of the side windows which is costing £150 to replace. He won't be able to work tomorrow whilst van gets fixed so more money lost. A massive kick while we're already down, bleurgh!

Sorry to be self-absorbed, will catch up with you all tomorrow. Hope you're all ok, xxx

blizy Wed 20-Feb-13 07:25:17

Oh little that is crap! You not being self absorbed, thats what we are here for.
I hope karma bites the burglars in the arse!

Kleine, thank,you my lovely. Hope dh came home last night. Mines is working away this week too.

Angel, on Zoe's birthday we are going to the crem with balloons and a card, I will make a butterfly cake and dh and I will crack open a bottle of bubbly. We done the same last year too. So will make it a new tradition.

AngelGeorgie Wed 20-Feb-13 08:24:22

Little what a pile of croc. Hope you re van is fixed ASAP. Lets hope whatever they re injecting with the money is a dirty drug & does great harm. I feel like you we seem to have runs of bad luck then nothing then a run again. Life is so unfair at times . Pls take care xxxx
Blizty ; that's nice. We seem to have created a running tradition for Georgie's birthday too. We visit her special place leave some flowers then have a meal out . Has to be done xxx
Morning all xxx

amyboo Wed 20-Feb-13 10:20:39

Hello everyone. I'm gently creeping back on after what feels like a very long absence. I've still been watching the thread, but I've been finding this pregnancy emotionally devastating and haven't really been up to posting... Sorry.

So sad to see new faces on here. I hope you find the support and strength through these wonderful ladies like I did. And so sad to read about your news little. Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

I'm now 31+3 and I think I'm starting to see the light at the end of what feels like a very long tunnel. Due to start weekly scans and monitoring with my gynaecologist on Tuesday (26 Feb). If everything goes OK I'll be booked in for induction at 38 weeks - so around the start of April. DH and I are still finding it hard to actually think about DS3 being here, but are trying to do little things like sell the old furniture that's in the room he'll hopefully be sleeping in. I hope the weekly monitoring will put my mind at rest - I've had some awaful days recently where I don't think I've felt the baby move. Thank goodness I have my own office, as I often end up lying on the floor for 10-15 minutes just to try and feel him kick...

Anyway, I just wanted to pop on and say that while I'm not really posting on here at the moment I think about you all lots, and hope that we all end up with the happy endings we deserve.

Little9 Wed 20-Feb-13 22:46:52

Thanks blizy and Angel. Feeling slightly less annoyed today. Van all fixed now.
Body is aching (in a good way) from dance lessons. Really enjoyed them though. So glad I decided to do them instead of joining gym again. Don't think I'll be able to keep up with the dogs tomorrow at agility though. Oh well, at least I should be fit again soon!

Amy - nice to hear from you. Sorry you have been struggling with this pregnancy but so glad you are nearly there. Hopefully you'll be holding your little rainbow soon.

Kleine - hope your DH got back ok.

Snowdrop - lovely to hear about your angel. Just wish she was still here (along with all our little ones).

Big hugs to you all. Xxx

greengoose Thu 21-Feb-13 07:52:21

Hi everyone.. V quick post before I go out..
I have Endocrinology appt, followed by Ob consultant (same one as with Merryn), followed by 12 week scan followed by bloods in diff dept., followed by community midW for second part of booking appt. today. This is going to take from 9.30- 3pm. I am not sure why it all landed on the same day, but I'm going to be a wreck by the end! Today is not a day for denial of being pregnant!

I had another horrible dream last night. I hadn't dreamed about Merryn at all before this pregnancy, but I suppose it's not surprising. I just wish I could have nice dreams about her, that'd be lovely!

Anyway, I just needed to spill my nerves... When I get back I'll read through what I've missed and catch up.

green thinking of you, what a busy day. Just take it hour by hour, you will soon be home.

I'm hating my body! Was supposed to come on yesterday but so far nothing, I fucking hate this, I know I'm not pg but when your late you have creeping doubts. Which make your life hell!

AngelGeorgie Thu 21-Feb-13 09:12:35

Fan xxxx sorry xxx
I , too are hating this week just want tomorrow to have my scan to confirm mc then I ve got pre-screening & to book in for op next week. This week has been so long , I ve had nightmares...waiting to be told " yes, another mc" ....
Green; busy but at least nice pg stuff . Hopefully , alls going the right way.
As for us leaning towards giving up ttc after this accepting I can t do it anymore or do it indeed!!! Sick of my body failing me , the mental trauma, physical hardship to put my body through this... So sick of the emotional rollercoaster.
Booking a holiday for sept; bugger it & if by any chance I make it past 8 weeks pg I ll just go & sod it. Sick of living my life with restrictions again. Don t mind if its for a good outcome however, if it all goes belly up 4 weeks later what's the point???
Sorry , for me rant ; just pissed off & for you Fan xxxxx

angel I'm so sorry your family are being so insensitive, it makes you wonder what people are thinking!

snowdrop so sorry you are here and for the loss of your lovely Isla

little sorry to hear about the van being broken into, glad you are enjoying the dance lessons though.

green hope your day goes well

Amy nice to hear from you, it's hard isn't it. I didn't let myself believe everything would be ok until they handed me ds4. I did worry during the pg that I'd have problems bonding as I was so detached but everything was fine.

fan big hugs for you xx

Well Joseph is nearly 3 weeks old now! Still can't really believe he's here. I've had a bit of trouble with my scar opening up but it's all healed now luckily! Ds3 is full of cold and not feeling very well so I'm shattered.

He was a little off with me in the hospital I think because he was unhappy with me leaving him. He is always kissing "mine baby" and helping me wind him, patting his head (a little too hard) etc. We've had a mad month of birthdays here with ds4 arriving on the 1st, ds1 was 18 on the 9th and ds2 was 10 on the 16 th and ds3 will be 2 in a few weeks

KleinePoppet Thu 21-Feb-13 10:13:07

Hi all. Difficult times all round, it seems... sending so, so, SO much love to fan, angel, green, little, amy, blizy and absolutely anyone else who needs it.

fan bringing my own anger issues to the table, perhaps, but I'm just SO fed up and cross on your behalf. ARGH! Wondering if you're pg, when you know you're not, but you're still wondering... oh it's so destructive and just bloody awful. I'm so sorry xx

green thinking of you on your epic day at the hospital. It sounds completely exhausting, in every way. At least you can say you're being well monitored! Hope the scan is wonderful and that the little wriggler behaves well... Sorry about your bad dream sad

angel hope your nightmares soon pass, too. What time is your scan tomorrow? Thinking of you xx

I'm pleased your DH's van is fixed little, but HOW frustrating. Being kicked when you're down is so tough to take. Glad that the exercising helped! Makes me wonder if I should start exercising again... I walk a bit, but that's about it, these days.

amy sorry to hear you're struggling so much - I hope weekly monitoring helps a little bit. You're right, there's light at the end of your tunnel, and I'm sure it's got a rainbow in it, in a just a few weeks' time smile

DH safely home the other night, and we are ok. After some discussion we're probably going to start IVF quite soon, in order to do one cycle before June (E's birthday, when we'd rather not be going through any extra stress). It's a big decision, but our chances of conceiving naturally are really quite small, and although the m/c in November gave us hope, of course, it doesn't increase those chances. And we just want to do everything we can do, to try to have our second baby; even if the first cycle is unsuccessful or has to be abandoned, at least we'll have tried, and then we can re-evaluate after June and think about subsequent cycles.
So... we shall see. Our doctor is away this week but we'll discuss our final questions with him next week, and then make a final decision. We're pretty unlikely to tell anyone in RL - we want to minimise the stress, and don't want lots of people knowing exactly what stage of the treatment we're at, etc. Last time we did this, lots of people knew, which wasn't ideal really! But I shall keep you lot updated smile
Waves to all and, again, just sending my love to those of us who are really struggling xx

KleinePoppet Thu 21-Feb-13 10:16:55

moomins wonderful to hear from you!! I am all teary thinking about your DS3 helping with Joseph...
Sorry to hear you had problems with the scar but v glad to know it's ok now. I hope that you have some support to help with the other boys while you're still healing and J is so little? Sending loads of love (and the hope that you manage to catch up on a tiny bit of sleep) xxx

AngelGeorgie Thu 21-Feb-13 18:27:03

Moomins glad j is doing well and you re basically ok? Love to you all.
Kleine ... Big decision here's big FX for June & success on first cycle xxx
My scan is 09:45 , then pre-screening. Just want it all done & sorted quickly . Picking Phebs up from nursery at lunch time then seeing a friend in the pm. Not brill as Ant away with work tomorrow night but hoping to see him at lunch time.
Still not heard from my mum or bro so this could go long term!!!!
On a plus; increased my loan so when money comes through booking a holiday & some trips to get my mo-Jo back... On the subject of ttc??? Who the hell knows???????
Love to all xxx
Hoping for better times for us so very soon xxxx I think we ve all had enough now . Let the crap hit someone else now pls??? Xxxxx

KleinePoppet Thu 21-Feb-13 19:47:26

angel I'll be thinking of you tomorrow morning. Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. Booking a holiday sounds like a excellent plan (wish we could go away - but we need the money for the fertility treatment, of course!! Having said that we've been offered money towards a holiday for my birthday, so maybe we'll say yes...). xxxxxxxxxxxx

blizy Thu 21-Feb-13 20:34:13

Angel, I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope your and bro sort themselves out and give you the support you need. X

Kleine, take the money and go on holiday, you reall deserve it.x

Fan, just hugs for you.

I've had a crap day, feeling very panicky and anxious. I was finding it very hard to cope with work, I had the two littles ones and all the schoolies today. I hate feeling like this. Sorry for the me, me, me posting.

greengoose Fri 22-Feb-13 02:08:36

Fan... Im sorry your cycle isn't sticking to dates, when this happened to me my doc said 'well, being anxious doesn't help...'. I almost decked him. I hope the bitch arrives tomorrow, and that she buggers off soon for nine months at least. I know nothing I can say helps, and you probably don't feel very strong, but you fight so hard and you deserve it to be so much easier. Do you have anything to look forward to over the WE?

ANGEL... I hope tomorrow goes as gently as possible for you tomorrow. I am furious at your family, they should be by your side, don't they know what you have been through, are going through?? Is ANT there with you during scan or are you on your own? I am around tomorrow if you need a hand to hold, although I'd rather someone was there for you in RL. I think Phebs should have lots of extra mummy cuddles tomorrow!
Where are you thinking of booking a holiday to? I think it's a great idea, god knows you deserve it.

BLIZY.. This is such a tough time for you. I was thinking about Zoe yesterday, how big she'd be, how difficult it must be coming up to her birthday. I think some people expect it gets easier, that we get 'over' it, but all of us knows that can't happen, and are here for you in the pain of it all. I wish it was as it should be, and I'm so sorry it isn't. Xxx

MOONINS... J sounds lovely, and I can just imagine the 'hard pats' he gets from his brother!

KLEINE... Book the holiday woman!
I can't believe how brave you and DH are, and I'm 'pleased' for you ( although that words mixed with anger that you need to) that you are feeling close to ready for Ivf, I know it must be a difficult decission.
I'm glad that your DH is back with you.

LITTLE... How did you do at agility? I'm impressed at your dancing idea, sounds far more fun that the gym or running! Hope you have something to look forward to this WE?

AMY... Not so long now, although I'm sure it still feels like it. I can imagine the panic over movements... I'm almost dreading feeling this one move because of the panic that ill no doubt feel when he/she doesn't!

As for me, sorry for ranting earlier. I know I should be greatful for where I am, and of course, I am, I just wobble a bit.
All went well today, scan was good. A few weird bits, like my consultant was off, and nobody told us, so had to run through all again with yet another doc. (questions as blunt as 'and how many days alive before the death? (Merryn's notes were in front of her) I could feel DHs hand getting tighter and tighter...)grrrr.
Also in pm had the most ignorant MW I have come across so far. On the way out, after a comically ridiculous appt, she pulled me by the arm over to look in a buggy of a newborn baby, (3 days old) and stood saying 'isn't it exciting, you'll have one of these too soon?! If it hadn't been for the new mum who knew nothing about me, I would have had a few choice words!
Anyway, none of it important, and all got through. I held onto ANGELs words that none of it matters, it's all just a hurdle to be crossed, and it's done.
On another note, while my youngest was at our friends this morning he said ' my mummies having a baby'! We will have to think about when to say something. Was hoping to leave it until at least 20 (39 ideally)! Weeks...

greengoose Fri 22-Feb-13 02:10:00

Sorry for slightly jumbled post... V tired!

angel thinking of you today, still seething on your behalf about the fam.

green I can't believe the day you had, how did you hold your tongue?

Still no sign of AF, really fucking annoying me. I'm cramping a bit but other than that no signs, during the day I'm far to busy to think about it, but still she's not here. I had sex two days before ov which is why I have doubts, but I'm pretty certain that I'm not. I've been through this too many times. I'm so fed up and tired of all this, I thought having a break last month would help out but it hasn't.

blizy Fri 22-Feb-13 07:16:03

Omg green! You deserve a medal for not punching the dr and midwife! I hope you managed to have a good sleep. X

Fan, I know what you mean. I.hope af shows up soon and stops messing around, our bodies can be so fecking cruel. X

Angel, hugs for you today. X

AngelGeorgie Fri 22-Feb-13 07:18:16

Fan xxxx boo hoo for your body . Hope either AF or BFP appear very soon xxx
Blitzy sorry you re feeling crap. If possible maybe you & DH need a little pick me up to focus on??? A weekend away ??? Superbreaks do trips dead cheap??? Just an idea ; helps for me... Sending you love xxx
Green , well done. That's yesterday done. 1 step at a time . You did it xxx bless your son... Time to tell then??? Scan ok? Xx
Kleine xxxx thanks xxx
Hi all
As for me started spotting last night so expected full in bleeding over night but nothing . Still want surgery as last time I had medical management bled for 6 weeks. With surgery only a few days. Never had natural management ; my body's crap at getting rid of a fetus , seems to hols on to it/ those.
My mum texted last night & was lovely. When I feel better may still but at th address what she said but at the moment enoughy to get through. Right, better get going xxxc

KleinePoppet Fri 22-Feb-13 09:14:46

I just wanted to pop on to send a huge amount of love to angel this morning xxx

Also to blizy and fan... you are both such heroes, although I wish you didn't have to be (iykwim!). I hope you are both able to have slightly better days today, and if not, just know that you have all my admiration just for getting out bed at the moment x

green... speechless... But so so glad scan was good smile

<on a side rant>
Wtf is WRONG with most people?!
I am, honestly, really struggling with how idiotically most people respond to the death of a baby. I haven't led a particularly sheltered life, but I truly used to believe that most people would try to be thoughtful if you were struggling. The fact that they don't has really unsettled me. I can cope with it - sort of - but I find it really, really sad.
DH came home last night with a hmm sad face and said, he'd bumped into his former boss at work (who was his boss when we had E), who greeted him with 'So, any other babies on the way then?'. I mean, who on earth says that - let alone to parents who've just lost a child?!
<rant over - for now>

Love to all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

greengoose Fri 22-Feb-13 09:35:00

ANGEL, I have to agree with you on the ERPC, it's just easier to have it over sometimes. It always takes me ages naturally, I don't think my body knows what to do on its own.
Im relieved that your mum has woken up a bit, you need her right now I would think. I hope you're day is gentle on you, are you at work?

BLIZY, thanks, I find myself emotionally detaching in these situations, which gets me through, but DP was in tears this morning, which rarely happens, so I think I'll have to run defence between these idiots and him for a bit! He's usually the 'strong' one...

Fan... I hope you know what's going on by the end of today, the not knowing is horrible.

My son said he didn't say 'mummy's having a baby' to my friend, he said; 'mummy's HAD a baby.... Merryn, silly!'. So that puts things in place a bit! ( he does remind people about his sister very often). I think we will hold off telling the boys for as long as possible, at least until 16 weeks, as by that scan they should be able to see if this baby has same problems as Merryn, (not that I have a clue what we could do differently). I just know he'll be scared, so the later the better, six months is forever when you are 5!

Hello to everyone else. So many of you are having such a rough ride just now, I wish it was easier. X

greengoose Fri 22-Feb-13 09:37:44

Angel, sorry, I left my brain behind, I would assume you are obviously not at work before appt.. Stupid. Will be thinking about you today. X

greengoose Fri 22-Feb-13 09:38:31

KLEINE.. Just seen your post... Your DHs boss obviously has no idea, stupid man.

KleinePoppet Fri 22-Feb-13 10:01:50

Thanks green - tbh my rant was far more influenced by the unbelievably idiotic midwife you had yesterday, than by DH's boss - I mentioned him more as yet another illustration of how people simply don't think. It wasn't a big deal, just made DH a bit sad, but people make him sad everyday... and that's my point, I suppose.
I am still shock at the midwife showing you a newborn baby and getting all excited. It's such appalling behaviour from someone whose profession is to work with all pregnant women. She sounds like the m/w we had, who discharged me from hospital in the evening after E had died that morning - she didn't mention her (even though her body was still with us in the room), just acted all cheery, gave me some nudge-nudge-wink-wink advice on contraception, took so long to arrange a wheelchair that eventually my dad just stole one from someone else (!) and we left, and then completely forgot to mention our daughter's death to the midwife to whom she referred me on, who came out to see me the following day... She was just not very bright and had no idea whatsoever how to act. Which I still find shocking - of all people, surely, midwives ought to be taught (if they don't already know) how to respond to a baby's death? And perhaps they ought to know not to pull you towards a teeny-tiny baby, if your own baby died last year?

<and breathe>
it's too early in the day to get cross! I'll save it all up for the evening wink

poglol Fri 22-Feb-13 10:48:12

Hi I'm new. Lost my Little girl due to complications during birth in September. How long has it taken you to get pregnant again? We are trying to be positive for the future

poppet my DH has been asked numerous times about when we are going to get pregnant, his latest response is 'oh we've been pregnant three times in three years, thanks' it usually shuts them up. People are just stupid, they don't think before they speak, and especially men to men.

poglol so sorry to hear about your little baby. Please tell us more if you wish.

My daughter stillborn due to a cord accident at 36 weeks, we fell pg three months later but miscarried at 5 weeks, then 9 months later we fell pg again only for us to miscarry again at 6 weeks.

Some ladies on this thread have fallen pg within three months others it has taken longer. There is always hope but never an answer.

KleinePoppet Fri 22-Feb-13 11:06:43

Hi poglol I am also so sorry to hear about your little girl. It's a terrible, terrible thing to live with, isn't it? Do tell us more about her if you would like to.

We lost our little girl last June; she died at the age of two days, due to severe brain damage that was sustained just before she was born by EMCS. Since then I have had an early m/c (in November), but as it's not very easy for us to conceive naturally we will probably start fertility treatment soon, now that we feel strong enough to cope with it.
Sadly, as fan says, there is no answer... some ladies have fallen pg quickly and others have not. But for all of us on here, I believe, it is the hope of another child that keeps us going, even when it's incredibly tough to put one foot in front of the other. xxx

poglol Fri 22-Feb-13 11:10:27

I'm sorry to hear you have miscarried. It's such a difficult time after losing a baby. Partly I think we should wait a while to make a better chance but I don't want to wait any longer.
Feels like everyone else in the world has a baby at times, I know we are not the only ones who have lost a baby but it is hard in a small community.
Hard to adjust back to being a childless couple too.

KleinePoppet Fri 22-Feb-13 11:12:07

fan yes it does seem that men can say especially stupid things to each other. Although women often aren't that far behind - I know we all have 101 stories of 'the incredibly daft and hurtful things that have been said to us'!!

I am waiting in this morning for an insurance man to come and look at our car - DH had an accident a couple of weeks ago, when a steel pole rudely got in his way when he was reversing wink...

KleinePoppet Fri 22-Feb-13 11:14:44

poglol I cross-posted with you.
I absolutely empathise. Very, very, VERY tough to be without a baby when you're surrounded by other couples who have them. Our daughter was our first child, too - it truly is extraordinarily hard to go from being three to two, when you were so ready for the third member of your family to join you.

We started ttc again about three months after E died. It was about as long as we could wait...

poglol Fri 22-Feb-13 11:24:50

poppetyes we are trying too, I'm finding it hard because it took us 19 months to get pregnant the first time. Was a few days late this month, but test says no.

poglol I have been on this journey two years this april, when my daughter died, all I wanted to be was pg. And that's still the same now, but now I feel that I am totally ready to have a baby again, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have tried for the past two years. If you feel you should wait, then you should wait, do what you feel is best.

Xpost with you poglol we tried for 18 months before I fell pg the first time, I totally get it. I am also a couple of days late this month, havnt tested yet as we didn't ttc around the ov time as I was ill with flu. What does your partner think about ttc now?

poglol Fri 22-Feb-13 11:33:40

Thanks fan and poppet. It is good to talk to you.

Let's hope for good news for all of us! And hope the car doesn't cost too much. My DH smashed wing mirror off mine not so long ago :-)

poglol Fri 22-Feb-13 11:37:17

fan He's very much for it, he's impatient like me! Tries not to count the days as too much pressure tho.

KleinePoppet Fri 22-Feb-13 11:44:45

It does feel very unfair, doesn't it, when you've waited so long to conceive that baby... and then the baby dies, and never gets to have any of her life, and you don't get to bring her up... and then you have to start the whole ttc journey again, in far worse condition than you were in the first place...
I was 29 when we first started ttc, and am about to turn 33 sad

I could not be more grateful for our beautiful little girl, she was perfect and I would never have wanted to 'swap' her for another baby, even if that baby had lived... but I am desperate for a sibling for her. Like you though, fan, my feelings about a subsequent pg have changed. It's still all I want - but now, I feel I can do it - and also all the things surrounding it (IVF here we come!).

My AF is also due. Lots of lovely cramps here.

Sorry about your car as well, poglol. What are these husbands of ours like?! grin

poglol understandable. Fx for you, I hope you get your BFP soon. Or as soon as you start ttc.

poglol Fri 22-Feb-13 11:55:45

poppet yes it is hard, if I knew it would be nearly 3 years later after starting to try and still no baby might have started earlier! But made right decision at the time.

My little one was perfect too, the cord was 3 times round her neck, and she was starved of oxygen. There is no reason why we shouldn't have another child, must be glad of that.

Will keep on ttc and stay positive. Good luck for your ivf

poglol our stories sound so similar, I've been trying for four years now, it sucks but its what we have to do to get what we want. I'm hoping that this year is our year!

KleinePoppet Fri 22-Feb-13 12:10:23

fan lovie we're ALL hoping that.... xx

And v much hope the same for you too, poglol x

Ellypoo Fri 22-Feb-13 12:19:06

Hi all

so much stress and shitness around for you all at the moment, I'm so sorry. Thinking of you all, and having to deal with so much crap (particularly from people who, quite frankly, should know much better) just makes it all so much harder.

Poglol, a very sad welcome to you. Our DD1 died aged 2 days due to severe brain damage caused by oxygen starvation, she was born by EMCS after I went in to hospital with reduced movements on 29 Dec 2011. I am now 29+3 with DC2, who will hopefully be delivered in about 7 weeks, and it is such an anxious journey. Please tell us more about your daughter, if you feel like you want to.

As for me, I'm just a big ball of anxiety and stress at the moment - next scan & consultant appointment next Friday, and hopefully they will book the c-section date then, which I think will be really helpful for me to be able to work towards. It seems to be getting harder the closer to the end I get - guess it's closer to when we lost Nancy, and it's just so hard to believe & hope that I will actually be able to take this baby home with me.

Sending huge hugs and best wishes to you all, particularly kleine, fan, angel, green, little and blizy.

KleinePoppet Fri 22-Feb-13 12:40:29

elly, my dear, I just wanted to say I'm basically permanently holding your hand... Wish I could do more, but I really do think of you and the little one so often. Will be hoping with you that the CS date is booked next Fri. Loads of love xx

Insurance man had been (payment authorised, phew!) so I'm off out now, love to everyone......

KleinePoppet Fri 22-Feb-13 12:41:41

(don't want you all to think that my grammar has deserted me)

AngelGeorgie Fri 22-Feb-13 15:04:05

Kleine people are stupid.xxxx just stupid xxxx sorry xx
Elly wow .. How exciting? A date??? Xxx hope you re ok?
Green , yes I m off work . Got a sick note for the next 2 weeks. Hope you re ok? Xxx
Fan xxxx
Blitzy xxx
Pogol welcome & sorry xxxx
My first dd was stillborn at 41 weeks on 10/10/10. ;Georgie from E. coli. I ve since had my 2 nd daughter , my saviour: Phoebe 1 year &8 days after loosing Georgie.,I m currently going through my 3 rd mc. ( 2 pre Georgie) . We re a very supportive bunch who unfornately understand where re you re coming from. My need to be pg after Georgie was so strong. I only waited to 6 weeks after , just after I'd stopped bleeding. However, we didn t/ don t have time on our side as at the time I was 40. We were very lucky & concieved 4 months after Georgie. You will know when the times right for u . Take care xxxx
Hi all. Scan confirmed no heartbeat . Foetus measuring the same as last week. I m ok had figured this outcome as had 3 scans with this pg & never felt quite right , as did with Phebs . Booked in for EPRC on we'd pm. I couldn t do Monday as got Phebs so we'd not bad. Spent all morning at EPU, pre-screening. Got a sick note for 2 weeks then we ll see.
As for ttc we ll see in the future might give it 1 more crack but don t want all this physical, mental, emotional disruption to my life anymore. I never wanted Phebs to be an only ( living) child. Ant is happy either way. He doesn t mind calling it a day or as he says its me that has to go through it all.
Love to all xxxx

greengoose Fri 22-Feb-13 15:37:09

ANGEL.. I'm sorry the scan was sad news, but glad it is done. If you do consider trying again, I managed to get BFP twice (Merryn and this one) on the back of a MC, and doc said this is v common, as body is prepped for it. Remember either way to keep taking your vits, as your body will need them for a while. (not like you don't know all this, right)? I'm glad you have some time off, and that Ant sounds like he has stepped up.

POGLOG, I'm sorry you find yourself here, that your little girl isn't with you. The early months are hellish, but it does ease slightly, and like all of us here, the thought of a Rainbow baby keeps us going. I was lucky enough to have two boys, 10 and 5 already, before I had my little girl in April last year. Merryn stayed for six days before she died due to a tumour that was too difficult to remove. I miss her terribly. Between my boys and Merryn I had two MCs and another one last Sept, but I was lucky enough to get preg again quickly, and am now 13 weeks.
After Merryn died all I wanted was to be pregnant again. We tried as soon as we could, about eight weeks after. Although I'm sure I'd have got through it, I'm glad it has taken a wee while, as it's given me time to work through what having another baby means, and understand how it will never take away the ache for my girl. Being pregnant again is more terrifying than I expected, but it's not forever, and we have already been through far more. I think anyone who has been through what we have and is willing to try again is strong enough for most things... I wish you strength and luck for this journey, the women here will support you ever step of it. X

ELLY, I hope you get your section date sorted, I completely agree a date to aim at helps.

KLEINE... I like when you get fierce! angry grin
I have got to the stage where I usually find it funny (my defence of choice) if people are v v stupid about all this, but my DP doesn't have to go through it so often, so it still hits him hard. He would just never be ignorant in this way, and will not excuse it in others, whereas I'm not strong enough to challenge it anymore and i let it wash over me a bit. I am lucky enough to have seen more love and care and empathy after Merryn than anything else, and I am determined that this is what I will remember and take to heart, not the occasional idiot.

snowdrop2012 Fri 22-Feb-13 19:15:36

Thanks all for reading Isla's story and for sharing your own. It is nice to tell people that truly understand. I have been very lucky so far that my family and friends have been sensitive and kind but still, it is comforting to know that you all actually know how it feels (although I also wish that you didn't, if that makes sense).

Angel, I'm sorry that you had to go through that again today. It must be so physically and emotionally exhausting to keep going through it. I hope that the next few days pass as gently as they can for you.

amyboo I can't imagine how difficult it is to get through another pregnancy after what we have been through, and I so hope that the next few weeks pass quickly for you.

greengoose I am so pleased to hear that the scan went well yesterday despite the stupidity and insensitivity of the 'professionals' involved. Sometimes I can almost excuse normal people saying or doing the wrong thing but I think it is totally inexcusable for doctors/MWs. They really should know better. Still, as you say, none of that really matters after seeing Merryn's little brother or sister on the screen smile

bilzy I am sorry that you had a bad day yesterday, I hope that today has been better. I love the name Zoe - such a pretty name, for a pretty girl. It was on our shortlist for Isla.

Fan I hope that AF has arrived today (or that if she hasn't it is for the right reasons) so unfair that your body is messing about. I think we all just need a good break for a change.

Kleine I'm glad the insurance man paid out, one less thing to worry about. I am keeping everything crossed for the IVF journey. Did you have IVF with your darling E? Sorry to pry - no need to answer if you don't want to.

babyh Thank you for telling me about Adam. I am so sorry. I do hope that you get your bfp soon.

Little I'm sorry to hear about your DH's van. So completely unfair when you've been through so much already. I hope that you enjoyed dog agility - just thinking about all the exercise you've been doing makes me feel exhausted!

Moomins Lovely to read about your delightful little J. It must be quite tricky those first couple of weeks, with everyone getting used to the new arrival. I'm sure he is bringing you all lots of joy (and hopefully not too many sleepless hours!)

Ellypoo I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious but it is completely understandable. I hope that booking a c-section date will help a little but I know that it will be difficult to relax until the little one is in your arms. Sending lots of good vibes and wishes to you.

poglol I'm sorry to hear about your little one. I hope that you get a bfp very soon.

I have had an ok day today. Did some baking this morning and then saw one of my best friends this afternoon. I didn't feel quite ready to see her daughter (who is nearly 6 months) and she kindly got her MIL to look after her. I am lucky that my friends are so understanding and don't put me under any pressure.

I was thinking that we would wait until the summertime to ttc again, but this last couple of days I've wondered if I can wait that long and am toying with the idea of suggesting to my DH to start sooner, perhaps once we have got Isla's PM results next Thursday...however, I am worried about how I would feel if a new baby was due around Isla's first birthday (not that things would necessarily happen that quickly). I know that some of your rainbows were due/born around your Angels' birthdays and I just wondered how you coped with that? Do you think it was more difficult? I guess it will always be tough whenever a rainbow is due...

Sorry if I missed anyone. Sending you all lots of hugs and wishes, and thinking about all our much missed angels. Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

blizy Fri 22-Feb-13 19:41:29

Snowdrop, thank you. Isla was also on our short list, but a friend had a baby a few months before us and used it.
You are so lucky to have such understanding friends.

I hope you get the answers you need during the pm. I had something called defective placental maturation and we also found out Zoe had Down's syndrome.

Ttc again is such a personal thing, you have to do what is best for you and dh. We started ttc 3 months after I gave birth.

Babyh200 Fri 22-Feb-13 23:08:55

Evening everyone

Everyone seems to be having such tough times at the moment, I am thinking of you all.

ANGEL: I'm so sorry your MC was confirmed today....I really wish things were different. Please take it easy I hope Ant is taking good care of you.......and don't even give work a second thought you need to recover first. Sending big hugs (()) xxxxxxxx

Blizy: How are you? Sorry you're feeling anxious......I hope you managed ok with the
mindees. Thinking of you with Zoes 2nd birthday approaching xxxx

Snowdrop: We all do understand and I know exactly what you mean (that you wish we didnt!). Thinking of you with the PM approaching. We didnt have a PM but while we waited to see the consultant I imagined every type of scenario, I analysed everything I did in those last couple of days from hoovering the stairs to everything I ate. I even blamed a bag of crisps at one point which of course it wasn't. From a TTC point of view,
Its surprising how quickly your feelings change from that 'never again' feeling to needing to try again. Theres no right or wrong. Hopefully one of the ladies will be along who conceived again quickly can give their opinion on having a rainbow around the anniversary of their angel xxx

More to follow.....

Babyh200 Fri 22-Feb-13 23:46:24

Fan: Hope your ok. I'm sorry your body is playing tricks, when your AF doesn't come you can't help but hope can you. I openly admit that I really struggled with being 3 days late last month, BLIZY described it perfectly when she said its soul destroying because it truly is. Hope AF turns up if its not that secret hope love xxxxxx

Green: You have so much on your plate with the appointments and scans it must be so difficult. That stupid midwife made me so mad (Steam blowing from
my ears)......how dare she grrrrrrr Carry on being brave chick. 13 weeks already wow smile xxxxx

Moomins: Can't believe J is 3 weeks already he is gorgeous xx

Little:Thinking of you and the girls. I hope your DH got his Van sorted, sorry he got his
tools stolen xxxx

Kliene: Sorry about that insensitive man in your DHs work sad Also glad you have made a decision on the IVF but I will be praying you don't need it my lovely friend xxxxxxx Ps agree with Green maybe you should try and have a cheap little break somewhere xxxxx

Elly and Amy: Thinking of you both. Hopefully the next few weeks will fly by and you will be holding your rainbows before you know it xxxxxx

Babyh200 Sat 23-Feb-13 00:10:54

Poglol: So sorry to meet you here. Our baby boy Adam was stillborn last July 5 days before my planned csection. I attended hospital after reduced movement but he was already gone when we got there. I am lucky enough to have 2 older children who keep me going they are 7 and 9 but I would dearly love a rainbow baby. We have been trying since last September with no luck yet.
It does seem like there are babies everywhere when you have lost yours.......everything just seems more magnified.
There are some lovely ladies on here who have pulled me through the dark days.......I am so grateful for their support.
I hope you are blessed with a rainbow baby soon xxxxxxx

amyboo Sat 23-Feb-13 05:37:24

Well, so much for weekly mobitoring. It seems DS3 had other ideas... I came into hospital at 2am on Thursday morning with what I thought were painful braxton hicks. Turns out I was in labour. They tried to stop it but the drugs didn't work. So DS3 was born by emcs at 4.15am. DH luckily managed to dash to hospital just in time after some very kind friends came and picked up sleepy DS1.

DS3 has been named Henry Joseph and despite being born at 31+3 he is a good weight (2.020kg) and size (44cm). He's on a little breathing machine in the neonatal unit but doesn't need extra oxygen and is managing to digest expressed milk welk.

DH and I are a bit shellshocked but enormously relieved to be able to hold a healthy happy baby at last. Fingers crossed he makes good progress - the docs here are all really pleased with him but I think he'll be here for at least 4-5 weeks

amy congratulations! Welcome to the world Henry Joseph! Even if you are a little early. Wonderful news, I have a big grin now!

greengoose Sat 23-Feb-13 08:04:42

AMY.. Congratulations! Henry Joseph is a great name! It's really good that he's taking some milk already, he sounds like a strong little chap! It must have been quite a full on couple of days for you and dH... Are you managing to get to where Henry is? Do you get to cuddle him yet? Sorry, I'm just very excited for you all, and so glad you are all doing well! Well done, brave lady! Xxx

Yay for another safe but slightly early rainbow arrival! Enjoy Amy I was that weight at 40 weeks born, so little Henry has a good weight indeed !

KleinePoppet Sat 23-Feb-13 12:15:03

Welcome to the world Henry Joseph!! Congratulations amy and your DH! So pleased that he is doing so well, he really does sound like a very strong little boy and truly a GREAT weight for 31 weeks.
You must be exhausted - I hope that you manage to get the odd bit of sleep here and there. Lots of love xxx

blizy Sat 23-Feb-13 15:09:28

Amy, huge congratulations on the early arrival of little Henry Joseph! I hope he continues to get stronger each day and will be home soon. Hope you are well too. X

RainboxFX Sat 23-Feb-13 18:48:29

Wow, I have missed so much! Welcome to the world baby Henry Joseph! Congratulations Amy!

A sad hello to those I haven't "met" yet as well. Our first son Dexter was born at 24 weeks last year, with no warning at all. He did his best, and stayed with us for two weeks, but his lungs were just too premature to cope. We had taken two years ttc before he came along, so we made to decision to try again fairly quickly as we didn't think we would 'catch' for ages. I was lucky enough to get pregnant our second month of trying (so 6 months after Dex was born) and am now 16 weeks along with this rainbow. Have had a cervical stitch in just in case.

I am sorry there are so many bad times going on. I am sorry I have been too self absorbed to be here to offer support sad I am sorry people say and do such insensitive things. I am thinking about all of us, and our angels and rainbows. Have calmed down after the stitch now. It took me a very long time to get my head around it and I am still embarassed about it, but you are all right. IT is done, it is over, I did it for this baby and it is something I won't have to do again this pregnancy.

We went for a private scan today, so have a bit of news. We know which flavour of baby I am carrying! Don't intend to tell people in RL what we are having, but I would love to share it here if it would be appropriate?

Sending out love and strength in all directions, as much as is needed.

blizy Sat 23-Feb-13 18:52:40

Fab news rainbox! Go on, what's the flavour? I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. X

poglol Sat 23-Feb-13 19:11:48

Congratulations Amy. You must feel so emotional at the moment.

Enjoy your beautiful baby!

greengoose Sat 23-Feb-13 19:26:03

RAINBOX....TELL US!!!! I peek under the bed for Christmas presents, I am not able to cope with suspense.....pleeeeeease tell us?!?

AMY... I've been grinning at odd moments all day thinking about your news! Hope all is going well, and you are remembering to eat and rest?

I had my first proper episode of projectile vomit today, and was quite chuffed actually. (not so much when I had to mop it up). Good to know hormones are still raging away! It also got me out of helping to lay a hedge, which is the devils work. Earlier on i went to shops and bought some wool to crochet this little one a blanket, which ive not been brave enough to consider until now. Its always nice to have a blanket anyway, right?

Hope everyone else had a decent Saturday!

Haven't managed to get on for a few days with half term so have just come and caught up - I've missed so much!!

Amy HUGE congratulations on the birth of Henry Joseph. What an eventful arrival. So pleased he is here. Hope you are home really soon. Sounds like he is doing fab smile Take care of yourself post c-sec xx

Fan hope AF arrives so you can carry on (or not smile but ill say that quietly to myself as I know you technically missed this month)

Green yay for vomiting! I also remember being hugely relieved when symptoms properly kicked in. Sorry you've encountered some idiots xx

Blizy sorry you are struggling my lovely. Ditto Kleine definitely book yourselves a holiday xxx

Angel I just read about your mc hmm I'm so sorry honey - you've had such a tough time of it recently. I hope you can get a break away soon. God knows you could do with it.

Rainbox tell tell TELL!!! grin Only if you want to of course smile

Sorry to see new faces here - I'm sorry you lost your babies and I wish they were still with you. This is a wonderful thread with the most inspirational women. I lost by darling daughter Erin in August 2011 she had fetal cancer and died at one hour old after being born at 36 weeks. I am lucky enough to have a 5yr old dd and I had my rainbow baby Holly in August 2012. It's definitely a rollercoaster.

Waves to babyh mias blue spilt and anyone else I've missed xx

Nothing much to report here. Hectic half term but now my lovely K is a bit under the weather. Most unusual for her. She'll be 6 next Sunday shock How did that happen?! Erin would have been 18 months old on Monday, a proper toddler girl. Feels like a big milestone without her.

Lots of love to all - especially Amy enjoy those newborn snuggles when you can xxx

I can't sleep! Keep thinking what if I am pregnant! Trying to meditate to try and calm myself down but can't, trying to tell myself that I'm not but its not working. My boobs hurt, I'm boiling but I just can't bring myself to test. Its like I don't want to tempt fate or something. I think I will have to get through sunday and then see if I can test monday if AF doesn't appear. It will be better for my sanity to test I think.

amyboo Sun 24-Feb-13 07:40:06

Keeping everything crossed for you fanjo

All good here. I'm still in hospital but will come home tomorrow afternoon. My cs recovery seems to be much quicker this time than it was with DS1. I'm managing to express plenty of milk although am seriously not loving the machine experience - definitely makes me feel like a cow!

Henry's doing well. Still no need for oxygen so they hope to start slowly weaning him off the cpap breathing thing. He's had to have some treatment for jaundice too. But he's managing to digest some expressed milk which is good. Going to go and see him after breakfast and am hoping his weight has stabilised now (he was down to 1.880kg yesterday). The neonatal staff are great. DS1 met Henry yesterday and seemed quite impressed although was sad he couldn't take him home.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. Still can't quite believe he's here!

amy he sounds wonderful!

Ok everyone I'm going to need major hand holding as I got a BFP this morning. DH must have super flu beating sperm. But I just can't celebrate, I've been through this too many times.

OMG Fan small very quiet squeee for you. I know you've been here before and I know you must be terrified and it must be hard to be excited but Fan my lovely today you are pregnant! Huge big hand squeeze for you xxx

RainboxFX Sun 24-Feb-13 09:49:55

Fan another one here to hold your hand. So, so pleased. Today you are pregnant!

Amy sounds like Henry is doing brilliantly. Glad your recovery is going well too. Neonatal staff are lovely.Take care.

Green horay for puking! I have had very little sickness this time round and it is most unnerving. Hope you have just enough to be reassuring but not enough to be annoying!

WTW I'm sorry K is feeling poorly. I am sure it is nothing serious, but I know it must be terrifying. Thinking about you and your girls.

Blizy thank you. it took me over a week to calm down, but I think I am over it now! I know Z's birthday is coming up, thinking about you.

Joining in massively insensitive things people say, a very close relative who really should know better came out with a cracker. Apparently I should just keep my legs together this time. That was so crass and insensitive I actually wasn't that upset, just amused! I tend to do what Green does now and just laugh.

We have officially joined.......Team Penis! And I could not be more delighted. I would also have adored a daughter, of course, but now I feel like there really is a baby in there and not just a medical condition! Baby Rainbox had also now been dubbed "Noodles".

Thinking about everyone. How we are having the best weekends we can xx

fan tiny squeak hurray! We're here for you lady! Alk the way you know that! X

rainbox eek a boy! smile exciting!

wtw hope K is feeling better! Hugs, know how you feel x

Waves to everyone else!

L is doing great! Love her to bits
I'm also back to work so busy again!

AngelGeorgie Sun 24-Feb-13 10:01:20

Yeh....fan ... Xxxx 1 day at a time xxx
Amy: congrats x
Rainbox ; congrats x
I m so-so. Trying to see the positives of the mc. Booking a holiday in sept ??? Cruise , which we couldn t have done if not all gone tits up. Going to winter wonderland in Dec will be easy with just Phebs , much harder with young baby, can loose weight, drink wine again etc... But then read that Katie Price is pg & feel very bitter as to why she, who seems to lead an unstable life of chaos , flits from man to man ( I know she's mc before) can be ok???
It's not fair.
Want to get we'd over with as last time I went to theatre I came home with Phebs ... This time...

Thank you ladies, I've already had a fresk out this morning due to cramping, I know its normal, but its just scary.

greengoose Sun 24-Feb-13 14:10:44

Fan.... Oh my goodness! While trying not to be toooo excited for you, I do have one of those grins on that I physically can't turn off! I know it's really early, but as others have said, you are pregnant!! I'm very chuffed!

AMY, glad you are getting home soon, and that Henry is doing well too. X

Angel... I agree it's good to find things to look forward too, but it's fine to feel just crap for a while too, because it is just crap, isn't it? Comfort food and wine and hugs from Phebs I guess are the best medicine.... Take care love. X

RAINBOX... You're having a boy noodle! Yeh! I'm really pleased for you!
Did you mind which you got? Only asking because I know I'm going to have a brief struggle if this one is a boy. I'll be fine quickly, I love mummying boys, but it will mean Merryn will be my only girl, and for a little while I'll struggle before I get excited about a boy. This will be to do with mourning Merryn not actual disappointment if you get what I mean? (I wouldn't confess to any of that in RL).

As for me, I think my projectile puking is food poisoning or something, as it's now coming out both ways (sorry). I am keeping fluids down, but nothing else. I'll see how I go tomorrow, may pop into docs, but nothing much to be done. Hope baby is ok. (mild panic). Going to have a lovely bath and read seed catalogues...bit sad!

blizy Sun 24-Feb-13 14:43:20

Fan, I am quietly whispering YAY! Today you are pregnant my friend, I have everything crossed that the little one sticks. Remember I am here to support you all the way. Xx

Rainbox, yay another little boy!

Hope you feel better soon green,

Big waves and thoughts to everyone else. X

KleinePoppet Sun 24-Feb-13 15:14:04

Oh fan! Another quiet grin from this corner and I am very much here to hold your hand... (But I DO just have to say - does this mean the loony psychic lady could potentially be proved right?!?!) Loads and loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

rainbox so pleased on hear about 'Team Penis' (which made me snort - no 'team blue' for you, oh no, you're all about the penis smile)

angel it's just so unbelievably tough for you. Bless you for trying to put a positive spin on it. I know it does help, sometimes, to do that... but mostly it's just crap, isn't it? Am with you, willing the time to pass quickly until Weds, and then hoping you are somehow able to feel a little better once it's done. Much much love xx

green get well soon, lovely - sounds nasty... I am quite sure the little one will be fine. They're all comfy in there even when we're poorly!

blizy thinking of you lots...

amy am really glad to hear that all continues to be well both with Henry and with you. Take lots of care of yourself xx

Love to everyone else too - esp lovely to see babyh and wtw back after short absences smile. Just waiting for AF here then, if the doc okays us to start this cycle, I will be going on the pill shock!!! Due to my luteal phase being so irregular these days, I now need to take it for three weeks before starting the down-regs. Am a bit sad about that, as - to answer snowdrop's question - we conceived E naturally DURING an IVF cycle last time, but going on the pill means there's no chance of a last-ditch chance of a natural conception this time. Ah well.

Thank you so much ladies, if it wasnt for you lot I dont think I would be here to be honest. Im sitting in my hamster kigu watching the rugby trying to keep my mind off the pregnancy.

poppet yes yes its true the loony psychic is right! Doh! Ive just worked out the dates and by mine I am due the last day of October! lol

fan that's DD1's birthday! smile

rainbox I'm so happy team penis! Brilliant. Loving tha name noodles. We are thinking about ours probably name the bump when I'm 8 weeks or so, get over these first few weeks. God I hope this sticks, I need this to stick.

Yay team penis rainbox a little brother for Dexter how lovely smile So chuffed for you xx

Green I was the same about the sex that why we decided to find out with H (K and E were both surprises) so I could process the emotions before the birth. Are you going to find out?

Fan sending so many sticky sticky sticky vibes to you xxxxxx

Kleine I really hope starting on the pill is the first step to you holding your rainbow baby xx

After 48hrs of vomiting and washing K seems to be getting better - phew! Last week of mat leave - shit hmm

Babyh200 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:58:12

Fan: So pleased for you....I was thinking about you this weekend because I just had a feeling when you were late it would be good news smile Try not to stress too much (easy for me to say on the outside looking in) and remember the thread rules 'today you are pregnant' xxxxxxxxxx

Amy: So pleased your beautiful boy is here. I was thinking about my post on Friday wishing you would be holding him soon........and he was already here smile also glad your recovering well enjoy all those lovely cuddles!!

Kliene: Thinking of u with the IVF approaching. I wish you didn't have to have such a struggle. Big hugs xxxxxxxxx

Whatever: Its so awful when they're sick. I'm glad K is getting better and hope that no one else picks it up. Loved your pics of H sitting up she is absolutely gorgeous. What did you think of Butlins? Would you go back? You must be totally fed up having to go back to work.......boo and double boo!! Xxxxxxxxx

Rainbox: hoorah for team penis xxxxxxx

Angel: Big hugs thinking of you xxxx

Little: thinking of you too xxxx

Green: Sorry about the nasty sickness. Go the docs if its not gone tomorrow. Btw its perfectly natural for you to want a girl I wish I was the fairy godmother so I could grant your wish!xxxxxxx

Waves to Blue, Blizy, Elly, Split, Snowdrop and anyone else Ive missed thinking of you all xxxxxx

Lots going on at home at the mo. My grandad is sick and its not looking good.
Also busy sorting 'A's headstone. I'm hoping it will be erected soon possibly in the next 2-3 weeks.

Night all xxxxx

fan <stage whisper> that is just wonderful news!! Absolutely everything crossed for you, with a hand stuck out for holding. (I am now in a yoga-like pretzel formation for you!!)

amy <huge yell of joy!!> Hurrah for Henry!!

rainbox loving the team penis comment - nothing like anatomical accuracy! Noodle is a brilliant name

whatever hope K is better soon, lovely. xx

angel you wade through some really horrible rubbish, yet you always just keep going. Respect, my friend.

little how are you going, lovely? Your exercise amazes me!

green totally understand your feelings about your baby, and how it might make you feel about Merryn, regardless of whether it is a boy or a girl. How were the seed catalogues?

Kleine here's to a thumbs up from your doctor.

blizy just saying hello and that I am thinking of you and little Z.

babyh hope that your grandad is just giving you all a false alarm.

We planted up Mia's Wood yesterday - photos on FB if anyone wants to have a look. MrMia's careful plans were executed (more or less!!) accurately, and far quicker than we dared imagine - the site looks singularly impressive, and it was all done in sub-zero temperatures during light snow - but the ground was lovely and soft. We were worried that the whole space will be filled, but there is still room for additional planting, and spaces to create magical nooks and crannies for adventures. So very pleased!

poglol Mon 25-Feb-13 00:13:16

Congrats fan. Really pleased for you. Will think of you.

A little boy rainbow! Are you going to do the baby shower with the coloured cake to share the news? :-)

We've had a mixed week, af 5 days late so got hopes up a bit, but it's still early days.

kliene hope this is the start of a rainbow for you. Me and DH thought we would need ivf then it happened naturally, so we're kind of bearing in mind we may need it this time if nothing happens.

angel, know what you're saying about Katie p, it's hard at times, you are staying so strong. Friend of mine has just told me she's expecting again, she's 12 weeks and her baby is only 9 months old. Have to keep thinking everyone has their own s**t to deal with but it's very hard at times to do so!

Ellypoo Mon 25-Feb-13 11:17:05

Wow - a couple of days off and look what I've missed!!!

fan another EEEK here from me! I'm praying so hard that this one sticks xxx lots and lots of love and hand holding. Remember angels mantra 'today you are pregnant' xx

amy hugest congratulations on the safe, but early, arrival of Henry - lovely name! I hope all is well, he is doing really well to not need oxygen - I hope he continues to thrive and that he can come home with you soon xxx

kleine - keeping everything crossed for the IVF my love xxx

rainbox - yay to team penis!!! How lovely!

wtw, I'm glad K is getting better and wow to H being able to sit up now! Boo to last week of mat leave though sad Did you sort your hours out or are you going back full time?

We got some terrible news this weekend - we think that MIL has got cancer of the oesophagus (SP?). We'll find out for sure this week, and should get some idea of treatment, prognosis etc but having had a quick look online, it doesn't look very positive. DH is really shaken up, understandably. It's only just over a year since his DDad almost died 3 times and was in intensive care, which was when I was heavily pg with Nancy. So worried about her, and about FIL - he's really soft and is really struggling to cope already. How much more crap & death and shit do we have to deal with - we were hoping that this year would have a bit of positivity for us, and hope for the future, but now this has been thrown at us.

Love to everyone who I've not mentioned xxx

snowdrop2012 Mon 25-Feb-13 18:16:34

Elly - I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL. How awful. I do hope that the prognosis is better than feared. Sending lots of love and strength to you and your family. I can't quite comprehend why so much bad stuff happens to the same people. It never seems to be evenly distributed.

Fan - I am so pleased for you. I know it is early days and must be so difficult but I was chanting in my head 'stick, stick, stick, stick' last night and today for you. Sending lots of positive vibes to you.

Amy Huge congratulations smile I hope little Henry is getting stronger by the day and will soon be home with you.

Mia - Mia's wood sounds amazing, what a lovely idea. I'm glad that the planting went well.

Babyh Sorry to hear about your Grandad. Sending lots of hugs. I hope also that everything goes well with A's headstone - such an important step and I'm sure it will be just perfect.

Kleine Sorry about having to go on the pill but I hope this is the first step of a very successful first cycle.

Bilzy thinking of you as Thursday approaches.

Rainbox Yay for boy babybox!

Hope everyone else is doing ok today xxxxxxxxxxx

shakeyjake Mon 25-Feb-13 18:20:05

Just wanted to pop in to say a quiet congrats to fan hope this is your take home baby you so deserve it.

Waves too everyone else and will catch up with the thread when on the PC.

KleinePoppet Mon 25-Feb-13 18:39:14

elly I'm so sorry. Huuuge hugs xxx

mias the photos are wonderful. I continue to be in awe of all you do for Mia xx

Sorry not to name-check further but I am FUMING right now. DH sent his parents a lovely email yday, and asked them to forward on another lovely email to all their friends who donated to E's fund (just as we did with my parents and their friends). We've just had a disapproving email back to say that they don't want to forward it, they need us to send handwritten thank-you's instead, ie with a not-very-subtle undertone of 'you aren't up to our standards' hmm Without going into more detail, suffice it to say that after the last few weeks, this (although it's not at all a big thing in itself) feels like the straw that might break the camel's back! Am quite worried how DH is going to react - as I say, it's not a big thing in itself, but it comes on top of a series of other things... I just wish they could be a little different <that's a euphemism for 'I wish I could bash them on the head and stop them alienating their son'> wink). Argh, though. Am finding life rather TIRING at the moment!

Love to all xxx

KleinePoppet Mon 25-Feb-13 18:43:08

I should add - in case you all think I'm an ungrateful wench - handwritten thank-yous are always lovely, of course, and in any other circumstances I would have done them anyway... Just, not right now, a few months after our daughter's death. Surely an email is ok at the moment, esp when it was all done online anyway!

Ok I'm going now grin

I need some serious hand holding, Ive had abit of blood, it was pink and watery but it was blood. I am cramping a bit but my boobs still hurt and Ive had stretchy womb feelings all day, Im trying to be non-negative. Not positive. I bleed in the first two weeks of Ophelias pregnancy, but I am still scared, Im trying to be brave for DH.
I did buy some cheap pg tests yesterday for this very event. I will do one tomorrow morning if I bleed some more.
Life is shit!

Oh fan right here for hand holding. Try and stay as non-negative as you can, must be so hard I know. I was so so hoping it would just be straight forward for you. Lots of love xxx

poglol Mon 25-Feb-13 19:40:04

Kleine WTF! I can't believe they are expecting handwritten notes, I'm sure that's not how most people are feeling at the moment.

Maybe your in laws could write them. It could be one of those things they could 'do' as everyone is always asking if there is anything they can do to help.

Keep calm!

greengoose Mon 25-Feb-13 19:40:10

Fan, I'm squeezing your other hand here. The waiting game is horrible. I wish I could DO something to make this work for you, you deserve it so completely. Could it be implantation bleeding? I usually get that at week 4/5 ish? Every part of me is sending you positive sticky vibes.... Xxx.

KleinePoppet Mon 25-Feb-13 19:52:34

fan both your hands are already spoken for but I am magically also holding your hand... Just trying to be non-negative is an astonishing achievement! I have EVERYTHING crossed and always will do xxxxxxxzz

poglol Mon 25-Feb-13 19:52:56

Hope it's all ok fan. Thinking of you.

Babyh200 Mon 25-Feb-13 22:34:50

Very quick post so apologies if I don't name check everyone.

Fan: We all want this for you so much. Massive virtual hugs and handholding coming from the Babyh household xxxxxxxxx

Kliene: Fuming for you grrrrrrr. You are such a thoughtful person and everyone knows that so please try not to worry and keep your chin up xxxxxxxxx

Elly: Sorry about your MILs news xxxxxx

Babyh200 Mon 25-Feb-13 22:41:52

Poglol: FX for you xxxx

Snowdrop: thanks for your kind words about my grandad and the headstone xxxxx

I've had a bit more bleeding but it brown, my boobs still hurt so I did a pg test just now and it was positive, so hoping its just implantation.

amyboo Tue 26-Feb-13 06:51:28

Fingers crossed for you fanjo

Ellypoo Tue 26-Feb-13 13:53:32

Am holding your hand so tightly fan that your fingers might just turn blue!

Ellypoo Tue 26-Feb-13 13:56:41

kleine grrr at DH's parents - hand written thank you notes are sooooo not necessary. It is so wrong of them to even suggest that you do that - I quite like the suggestion that they might want to do that on your behalf as you can't quite bring yourself to write out dozens/hundreds of notes, when the email is more than enough. Some people just make me absolutely fume!

KleinePoppet Tue 26-Feb-13 14:44:28

fan am glad to hear that the bleeding turned brown. That is definitely good. I am SO hoping it stops completely, very soon. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

blizy just to say I'm thinking of you a lot this week xx

little also continuing to think of you...

green are you feeling better? Really hope so!

elly I hope your MIL gets a definite diagnosis/treatment plan soon. I really wish, for all your sakes, it could be very, very different... so so hard.

And thanks poglol, babyh and elly re my PILs... Actually I have already suggested to them that they send hand-written cards themselves if they want to, so we are clearly all great minds thinking alike smile I ended up replying shortly after I posted on here last night, trying to get my reply in before DH read their email (he was predictably infuriated and fired off an angry message to them while he was on his way home - oh dear...). I have a feeling that HandwritingGate might blow up out of all proportion. Will do my best to stop it in its tracks, but I wish I didn't have to waste my time on it!

blizy Tue 26-Feb-13 16:12:44

Fan, how you holding up?

Elly, sorry to hear about you mil.

Kleine wtf, to the inlaws!

2 years ago today our precious little Zoe bear's heart stopped beating and she grew her wings. Trying to get through today as best as I can. We are releasing heart shaped lanterns tonight at the time she died. Tomorrow,we are going for a champagne afternoon tea and on wed (her birthday) we will visit the crematorium with balloons and we will make a birthday cake.

Sorry not to name check everyone, but I am thinking of you. X

greengoose Tue 26-Feb-13 16:35:30

BLIZY... I will be thinking of Zoe today and through her birthday, I'm so sorry she isn't with you. It's all wrong. Your plans sound just perfect for her and you, you are such a lovely mother to her. Xxx

KLEINE... Shocked at your Inlaws, how very stupid of them. I'm sorry that your DH has to get worked up about it all, when that's no part of the expectation of anyone who donated money in your babies memory. Your friends would be appalled! I know it's impossible, but try not to be too hurt by it, remember the love with which these gifts were given, that's what matters. Your Inlaws are just being daft.

FAN... How are you? I hope your day hasn't been too rough, and that things have settled. It's got to be good that you have symptoms... But such a worry I know. Everything crossed here...

As for me, no actual puking today. Lots yesterday, but I think it's settled now.
I don't have another scan until 16 weeks, which will be the longest they have let me go without one. Two and a half weeks to go, we will also find out the gender then (hopefully), and baby should be big enough to spot if it has the same problems as its sister had.Time has slowed to a crawl.
I hope I start feeling wriggles properly soon, I think that will help, although then when I don't that's another set of worries.... Oh well, just need to get on with it!

KleinePoppet Tue 26-Feb-13 17:07:22

Huge hugs for blizy and your DH. Two years is so, so long to have been without your daughter. I'm so sorry, all over again. Your plans really do sound so lovely xxx

green very glad you're starting to feel better...
Also hope you start to feel movements soon - and lots of them - how early have you felt your babies previously? Perhaps this little one will make him or herself known super-early, just to help you out a bit... I do hope so.
Thanks for your words re my in-laws - don't worry, I'm not hurt, and truly they couldn't begin to affect how proud we are, that friends and family were inspired by our little girl to raise so much money. I'm just exasperated by them, and cross that they've made DH cross again; they're slowly but surely pushing him away, and this was just one small example of it. All very sad but I'm doing my best to keep a channel of communication open. Lots of love xx

Thank you ladies for the hand holding, its just very faint and pink and my boobs hurt like hell. I feel better about it, but I'm still worried everytime I go to the loo. DH is so worried bless him, he's rung me several times today at work.

blizy I'm thinking of you lovely. Little Zoe is much loved and always will be. I really hope that the days are gentle for you, your plans sound perfect just like her.

RainboxFX Tue 26-Feb-13 17:53:12

Fan again magically holding yet another of your hands. Brown bleeding is a great sign, but I know it is scary as all hell. Thinking about you.

Blizy Thinking of your family this week. Your plans do sound meaningful and lovely, though I know someone is missing. Take care x

Kleine I am sorry about your inlaws. If you need someone to come and knock their heads together, just call. I will do it happily! Amazing to think the pill is the first step to your next child. I have my FX for an easy journey for you.

Green Glad you are feeling a bit better. Any gut feelings about what you are having this time? Really hoping for wriggles starting soon.

Elly So sorry to hear about your MIL. It is too cruel to have all this to deal with. Will be hoping for better news this week for you.

Angel How are you doing today? I know what you mean, it is so unfair that some people seem to breeze through life with no problems at all, but lovely people like you have to put up with a storm of shit. Take Care.

BabyH Thinking about your Grandad. I hope the news is good for you, I know it must be worrying.

WTW Glad your big girl is feeling a bit better. Sorry it is the last week of mat leave, that must be so hard sad

Mias Your girl's wood is just glorious. I loved all the pictures. My DH asked me about the photos I had "liked" on facebook, so I told him all about Mia and your project for her and he "got something in his eye". It is a wonderful legacy.

Poglol I have my fingers crossed for you. Are you usually quite regular, if you don't mind me asking? Mine were always all over the place and it drove me up the wall! We are keeping the gender news to ourselves for a little while. It is not common to find out up here (NHS won't tell you) so no one suspects we know! Our little secret for now smile

Just thinking about Gender, we did specifically find out this time so I could deal with any feelings it brought up. If I am honest, yes, I wanted a boy. I would have loved a girl too, of course, but I have always imagined myself with two boys. No good reason. If we had found out this one was a little girl, I would have had to adjust to the news I think before I could be delighted, if you see what I mean? And yes, as a rampant feminist no team pink/blue for me :D Should also explain the nickname, it's not a penis reference! blush Dexter was kind of named after the lead singer of a band DH and I both like. Noodles is the lead guitarist.

I think I am starting to feel something going on in there. Not kicks exactly, but something.

Sorry to have not name checked everyone, the thread feels so fast moving at the moment, and my work has been crazy busy. You are all in my thoughts, and close to my heart. thanks

Ellypoo Tue 26-Feb-13 17:54:44

Thinking of you, your DH & your Zoe this week blizy, your plans sound really lovely xxx 2 years is such a long time, and yet no time at all xxx

Ellypoo Tue 26-Feb-13 17:59:23

I understand what you mean about finding out rainbox, I too was tempted for exactly those reasons - I always wanted & pictured myself with daughters. It's not that I won't be happy if this one is a boy, but I would prefer a girl. For that reason, I am referring to bump as 'he' a lot of the time, and thinking that it probably will be a boy, if only to try to prepare myself just in case - if that makes any sense whatsoever. Kind of hoped we would have found out by accident though, as DH really doesn't want to find out, but we'll see.

Thinking of you all - sorry, have to run now, got MW appt xxx

RainboxFX Tue 26-Feb-13 18:02:34

Elly I think we did exactly that, but the other way! Noodles has been reffered to as 'she' up to now, and we only have girls names picked out! Have a good MW appointment, my next is Thursday smile x

Fan glad you are feeling a little more positive. And that DH is being kind and looking after you! I know it is REALLY early, but would you be able to get an early scan at 6/7 weeks?

rainbox I'm not sure, I'm going to put my name on the midwifes list nexy friday if all is ok. Its 5 weeks tomorrow, so still very early. If I carry on spotting I may request an early scan. Its just all too scary, I just didn't think I would be here this month. I've never had luck like it, maybe it will all turn around now. This means also that we conceived on our anniversary, so if this all keeps going ok then this is our lucky baby.

poglol Tue 26-Feb-13 19:04:39

rainbow no, I came off the pill and had none for nearly 18 months. So the fact I'm having them is good really, and many people are irregular after giving birth. My DD only born September. Hope this isn't TMI! And was kidding about the cake really, I'm not a fan of baby showers generally, and certainly wouldn't want one now!

Hang on in there fan, FX.

blizy your plans sound lovely, made me feel quite emotional.

Hope all well out there, it's helping me reading these messages. I feel less alone. I'm sorry that anyone has to go through this loss, and the carrying on part is so hard. I know lots of my friends want me to be over it now, but it's not that easy is it? I've been lucky in that I have been told I can try again, but still rather have my little one here.

Oh fan am all tied up in knots crossing everything for you. I had brown blood with Holly and also am pretty sure I did with Katie (but I thought at the time it was my period as didn't know I was pg until 12wks with her). Conceived on your anniversary, on a month you thought you'd missed and a due date to fit in with the psychics predication - I so hope this is it for you xxxx

Blizy thinking of you and darling Zoe bear today. Your plans sound perfect and beautiful. I hope you are bearing up xxx

Kleine you really shouldn't have to deal with in law shite at the moment. They need to get some perspective!

Hope mw went well Elly - how many weeks are you now?

Yay for 'something' going on rainbox before you know it you'll get that first definite magical kick grin

Little how are you doing lovely?

snowdrop2012 Wed 27-Feb-13 01:43:46

Oh Fan I hope you have had an easier evening of it. Continuing to send sticky thoughts to you.

You are such a wonderful mum Bilzy, doing these lovely things to honour your beautiful Zoe. I hope you enjoy afternoon tea and that Thursday turns out how you wish. it will never be an easy day, but I hope that marking it in your special way will bring you some peace.

Kleine Unbelievable! You are very good for trying to keep the communication open.

Elly and Green i can understand the anxiety over the sex of the baby. I am not even ttc yet and I already know that I would desperately want a second chance at mothering a girl. I know also that as if a baby boy was placed wriggling in my arms I would be over the moon too, but it is all so conflicting isn't it? Every thought I seem to have these days is one conflict after another. FX though that you get the flavours that you wish grin)

I am struggling to sleep tonight. Had a deep and meaningful conversation with DH before bed which probably wasn't a good idea. He is trying so hard to be positive all the time but I just struggle so much with it. I want to try to look positively at the future but I am just so scared about what it now holds for us. I know it must be heartbreaking for him to see me so sad all the time and there not be much he can do about it. Its not helped that I have had 3 text messages in the last week announcing the births of baby girls. I knew they were coming but it is still hard. A mixture of relief for them and sadness for myself which I then feel guilty about. One hit me particularly hard, it is not someone I am particularly close to and I had kept our sad news from her whilst she was pregnant so she doesn't know about our Isla and what happened to us, but I read yesterday that she has had a girl and also named her Isla. I know it is a beautiful name, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby Isla should be here too and I should have been able to send that text. God, it is so hard.

Poglol I agree that the carrying on part is so hard. Most of the time now I kind of feel on auto pilot, getting up, getting dressed, sorting the house, doing the washing and cooking, trying to get out to meet up with people. Most of the time I'm not really feeling, just doing, like a robot.

I think all this is just being compounded by the PM results coming up on Thursday. I'm scared that they'll have answers and scared that they won't.

Sorry for self indulgent post. I thought that releasing my thoughts to people who probably understand what I'm saying might help bring sleep! thanks

I hope you are all sleeping soundly in your beds smile

Babyh200 Wed 27-Feb-13 11:00:35

Morning everyone,
Seem to be falling from one crisis into another at the mo. Grandad very ill in hospital.....he has a mass on his bladder (probably the 'C' word although not confirmed yet)
Also my step MIL is another hospital very poorly (2 blood clots one on each lung)
Feel like we need someone to give us a break because 2013 seems to be turning out shitty. Although i keep reminding myself that nothing could be as bad as loosing my beautiful boy............

Blizy: You were in my thoughts so much yesterday love. So sorry I didn’t get chance to post, I said a little prayer before I went to sleep I wish your beautiful Zoe was here...... its so unfair that she isnt. Your plans sound lovely for the week sound lovely.

Angel: Thinking of you today with your appointment. So sorry this has happened to you, I wish things were different xxxxxxx

Snowdrop: All those pregnancy announcements are so tough…..especially the one who chose your baby Isla’s name. It’s so hard watching people oblivious to the things that can go wrong……unless you have been flung into this world, you relate pregnancy to utter joy…….. I did myself once because I have been blessed with two live babies. You hit the nail on the head that YOU ARE HAPPY FOR THEM it just reminds us that our babies our gone and why us? I remember thinking in the hospital…’why didn’t God take someone elses baby?’ Instantly, I felt terrible because we wouldn’t wish such misery on anyone……… but it just feels so unfair. Isla should be with you and it should have been you sending that text. Thinking of you with the PM results tomorrow xxxxxxxxx

Elly: It only just occurred to me that you don’t know the sex of the baby. Your bound to want another girl after losing your beautiful Nancy. I didnt find out the sex of any of mine. I would only ever admit this to you lot, but when I was preg with my beautiful boy I secretly wanted a girl. Afterwards I felt like God knew this and that’s why he was taken, which I now realise is probably complete nonesonse. Now if I was lucky enough to conceive again I would secretly want a boy………………it’s such an impossible situation. Whatever the sex, when the time comes you will be over the moon xxxxxxx

Green: Time does stand still doesn’t it…….I hope the next 2 wks fly by quickly. Are you starting to show yet? How long do you think you can keep it a secret from the boys xxxxxx

More to follow or this could end up the longest post on mums net............

Babyh200 Wed 27-Feb-13 11:38:25

Fan: Still thinking about you.....5 weeks today and your first week out of the way. Lots of hugs and hand holding xxxxxx

Little: Thinking of you and hope your ok. Its a long road but remember your not alone xxxxxxxx

Poglol: FX crossed for you xxxxx

Kliene:Still angry about HandwritingGate! I hope things are calming down now. I was thinking about you yesterday because I was convinced it was your birthday and by the time I tried to get on my phone it was almost midnight and then it ran out of charge mid post. I am probably off the mark but I just wanted to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY anyway. I was also thinking that surely your family wouldn't be mean to you on your birthday which convinced me even more that I imagined it. Hope your ok chick......can't believe its almost 8 and 9 months since we lost our babies........ xxxxxxxxxxxx

Mias: Mias Wood is stunning. Your courage is such an inspiration. I hope 'F' is continuing to amaze you with his riding skills smile xxxx

Rainbox: Cant wait for lots of movement from the boybox, hooray smile xxxxxx

Whatever: Hope the sickness is all gone now. Enjoy your last week of peace at home. We should get a free pass and be paid to stay at home until they're at least 10!!! xxxxxxxx

Gotta go and get some work done, (brain frazzled now so apologies if I missed anyone)you can tell half term is over cos Ive got more time to post instead of being a slave to my 2 gorgeous children!!
I also got a phonecall today to say the headstone is arriving to the Port of Felixstowe tomorrow so FX it will be shipped up North by a week on Friday xxxxxxx

KleinePoppet Wed 27-Feb-13 14:18:22

Wanted to send LOADS of love to angel for today xxxxxxxxx

blizy I have been thinking of you and Zoe so much. I think you and your DH are so so brave to have so many lovely plans of things to do - and hope that the champagne tea will help make today bearable. Huge hugs to you xxxxxxxx

snowdrop I'll also be thinking of you tomorrow, getting the PM results. It's such a hard thing to do. But I think you will manage it. You are obviously a strong, strong woman - look at everything you're managing to do, such a short time after your beautiful Isla died. It's fairly extraordinary to be able to get up, wash, cook, and try to do other things too!
I'm so sorry, also, about your friend's baby girl who shares Isla's name. That's VERY very hard. I don't know what I'd've done (or what I would do) if one of my friends used E's name... I'm so sorry. I'm glad that you and DH are talking - it's absolutely necessary to share all of these things, even if it's almost unbearable to see each other when you're so desolate.

fan how are you holding up?

babyh bless you - my birthday's tomorrow! I share it with blizy's lovely Zoe.
I'm so sorry about your grandad, your step-MIL, and just everything. Are you managing to visit them (if they're nearby?). Hospitals can be tough places to go, I know. I'm really glad though that A's stone is nearly with you... I know how much you've wanted to have it ready.
(Oh and yes I'm with you - how can it have been that long since we held our babies? sad)

poglol Wed 27-Feb-13 19:38:34

snowdrop I know what you mean. It's hard being happy for others when all you want is your own baby. I'm finding it even harder when others are telling me they are pregnant, since it took a time to get there for us. I have accepted my baby is not coming back, but I do still want a family. Grrrr.

We have our pm coming up too, in a couple of weeks. Good luck for tomorrow, will be thinking of you.

blizy Wed 27-Feb-13 20:00:03

Thank you all for all the well wishesm bearing up ok'ish so far.

Angl, how are you my lovely? I was thinking about you today. X

Snowdrop, I will be thinking of you and isla tomorrow, it will be hard day but s will be here to support you. X

greengoose Wed 27-Feb-13 20:22:18

A hard week for so many...

ANGEL... How are you? I hope you are resting up and comfortable, it's a horrible thing to go through. I really hope there are much happier times ahead for you, you deserve a break, you really really do. Xxx

BLIZY.... The sky was clear here last night and I could see the stars, Zoe is never far from my thoughts this week. I hope tomorrow is as gentle on you as possible.

SNOWDROP... Ill be thinking of you and little Isla tomorrow too.

KLEINE... Do you have any plans for your birthday? I've never known quite what to 'do' with birthdays this last year! I hope you and DH can make it special, you deserve it!

FAN... how has today been?

I went for a sneaky sleep this afternoon and had a very realistic 'nightmare' that I lost this baby, so much so that I was convinced as I woke up that it had happened and was trying to get my head round what to do, what would happen next. It was quite a while and numerous checks before I believed it was a dream. I guess at some stage these dreams were going to happen, but I'm getting scared of going to sleep they are so frequent. Just another thing to be got through one day at a time....

Hi to everyone else, have to go as DP back from London any minute! (bringing munchies)!

poglol Wed 27-Feb-13 20:27:22

green I guess it is to be expected to have these dreams but how horrible for you. How many more weeks do you have to go?

Big hugs green angel and blizy xx

How you doing Fan? x

Sorry for short post feeling crappy - got my first period today since Holly. Yuck.

Hi ladies I'm doing ok, feeling very pg, quesy, bad stomach, headache and boobs feel like they are about to take off! And thankfully I've only had a bit of brown spotting this morning. So I'm feeling better, but also I'm very tearful thru hormones but also that I'm on this journey again.

green that nightmare sounds horrible, I always have vivid dreams when pg. How's the nausea today?

poglol and snow its so hard to hear others good news, we have suffered the worst and good news of pregnancy is always tainted for us. Sometimes a pregnancy annoucment can be hard to take than others.

blizy thinking of you on Z's day tomorrow. I shall light a candle for her.

Sorry not to name check everyone, I'm so knackered! But thank you all for holding my hands!

KleinePoppet Thu 28-Feb-13 10:47:24

Wishing Zoe a happy second birthday.... And also wishing so much that she was here with you, blizy, to make this a truly wonderful day. Hoping and praying that you get through today with some smiles as well as the inevitable tears. Lots and lots of love xxxx

blizy thinking of you today. Two years without her is too long.

greengoose Thu 28-Feb-13 14:22:54

BLIZY... Thinking of you, your DH and Zoe today. Xxx

KLEINE, also wishing you a happy birthday! X

Fan, glad things have settled, and you are feeling rough in all the right ways!
My tummy has settled but I'm still a bit dizzy and not right, but that's ok. Thanks for asking!

Hope today has been gentle on you Blizy Fan is right 2 years too long without her xx

Ellypoo Thu 28-Feb-13 21:49:16

Thinking of you & DH blizy, and your darling Zoe xxx. I hope the day has been gentle on you xxx

Little9 Thu 28-Feb-13 23:43:49

Fan - omg, omg. Yay! Am so pleased for you, my lovely. The early days are so worrying but here for hand holding if required.

Congratulations Amy. Welcome Henry Joseph.

elly - sorry for MILs news.

Life has given me another kick in the guts. Our department is being restructured and it doesn't look like my job is on the new structure. Won't know for definite if I'm at risk until May. Can't believe so much crap has happened to us this year already and it's not even March yet.

Sorry not to name check but just feel so darn tired and fed up. Hugs to you all, xxx.

Babyh200 Thu 28-Feb-13 23:46:18

Blizy: Thinking of you on your beautiful Zoes 2nd birthday xxxxx

Kliene: Happy birthday, I wish you darling 'E' was here to share it with you xxxxx

razzdazz Fri 01-Mar-13 12:36:33

Hello ladies,
fan I can't tell you just how delighted I am for you and I will add you to my prayers each night that all is well.
amy Huge congratulations on the early arrival of your baby boy,both names are lovely and have always been on my list!! Hoping he is home with his family as soon as can be.
angel Im sorry to read of your recent mc, hope you are resting up, maybe don't give up just yet, I had 5 mc then the loss of Thomas before rainbow Samuel came along but I do know how tough it is.
blizy happy birthday to your little angel Zoe Bear for yesterday, I hope the day was as you planned.

Samuel turns one this month which I can't quite believe. He is an absolute (adored) monster wink. So spoilt by all (hang my head in shame as saying rod for your own back comes to mind).

razz its so good to hear from you! And to hear how well Sanuel is doing, I guess being the youngest he was going to get spoilt. And thank you for the prayers.

blizy Fri 01-Mar-13 15:41:19

Razz, fab to hear from you!

Fan, how are you?

Thank you all for the kind thoughts over the past few days. This week has brought tears but also lots of smiles remembering our little girl. Yesterday, dh and I baked some cupcakes, released balloons at the crem (which ended stuck up a tree, oops!), had family young for some bubbly and cake. However I heard nothing at all from my older sister, I am so close to cutting ties with her.
Oh, and my fucking bastard period arrived yesterday, of all days it picks Zoe's birthday!

Snowdrop, how was the pm report? I hope you are ok, I was thinking of you and Isla yesterday. X

Huge waves to everyone, sorry not to namecheck you all.

snowdrop2012 Fri 01-Mar-13 17:56:27

Hi all,

Thank you for your wishes for yesterday and Isla's PM results. The meeting wasn't as awful as I had feared - the consultant was very nice, sensitive and didn't rush us or anything which was good. He was also there waiting in reception for us so we didn't have to speak to anyone we just went straight into the meeting so that was helpful. Basically, they can find no solid reason for why our little angel died. There was no sign of infection or problems with her organs or the placenta. The indicators are that what ever happened to her, happened very quickly. The cord being tightly wrapped around her neck (which we knew when she was born) is the only thing that 'might' have been the cause. It is very rare that the cord causes death (in these cases it often becomes tight after death) but in our case it was possibly the cord but they can never know for certain.

I wasn't sure how I would feel if it came back with no reason - it seems such a waste that it could 'just' happen. But on the other hand I am relieved in a way that there was nothing anyone could have done to save her. I have been going over and over in my head whether it was something I did or whether I got to the hospital quick enough but it seems that nothing I could have done would have made any difference. I guess I am also relieved that whatever happened, happened quickly. He said that medically, my next pregnancy will be low risk, but we will have lots of scans and appointments to help us through it and he would care for us personally. So now it is just a question of when we have the courage to try again. I know you brave ladies have all been there and made the decision to try again and I know you are such a help to each other so I hope soon I can join you.

Bilzy I'm glad that yesterday and this week has gone as well as it could have for you. I was thinking about your little Zoe yesterday and lit a candle for her yesterday evening. I'm pleased that you were able to smile as well as the inevitable sadness. Am very annoyed that AF chose to show up on that of all days and also about your sister....

Green - I hope you have had a rest from the ghastly nightmares...

Little I'm so sorry about your job. How completely crap. I do hope that it works out differently in May.

Kleine I hope you managed to have a nice birthday yesterday. I know it can never be quite the same without your darling E but I hope there was some celebration for you.

Fan Hope things have settled down a bit. It must be so hard to relax. Thinking about you.

Poglol What date is your PM due? I haven't had any 'new' pregnancy announcements yet (apart from on here which obviously brings nothing but hope and joy!), so will have to see how I react to those...

Sorry for not name checking everyone else but I hope you have all had an ok week.


blizy my candle burned bright for Zoe last night. And I was thinking of our two girls being close in age they would have made great mischeif together.

snowdrop we are here for your journey for the lead up to ttc, ttc and after. Your consultant sounded lovely, I'm glad they looked afyer you. I blamed myself too for Fi's death even though there was nothing I could have done to make a true knot in her cord.

I'm feeling ok, my boobs hurt but that might be because I've been poking them every 5 minutes. Felt really sick this morning, so all these symptoms are very reassuring. But its still very scary and I'm sure that will never change.

Ellypoo Fri 01-Mar-13 19:19:59

Sorry I didn't say it yesterday kleine but I hope you had a nice birthday and did something special. I don't know how you feel about them but I feel empty on my birthdays now, and hate having to answer people who ask 'are you having a lovely day?'

Still keeping everything crossed for you fan.

Blizy glad you had some smiles remembering your beautiful Zoe. So sorry that bitch turned up though, worst possible timing.

Little, I'm sorry about your job, such crap news.

Got my section booked today for 10th April - 5 wks on wed, counting down the days already, so worried but everything seems to be going ok so far.

elly wow five weeks to go! Have you got names sorted?

(Today I am pregnant, today I am pregnant, god this is so hard)

KleinePoppet Sat 02-Mar-13 10:14:20

Hi ladies, we are away in a hotel on the coast this weekend (took everyone's advice and booked a v short break using my birthday money!). Wi-fi is bit dodgy so just a short message. Got through my birthday ok but yes it felt very strange and quite sad. And am now taking the pill, which is also very strange - we have a stressful couple of months ahead of us.
Anyway just wanted to send love to you all and - from a v quick read of this page - esp to blizy, snowdrop, little, green, babyh and fan. Also thinking of angel, and elly eeek five weeks! I know you're terrified - I'm so excited for you though smile xx

Ellypoo Sun 03-Mar-13 12:09:42

I hope you are both managing to enjoy your weekend away - we had a beautiful spring day here yesterday, I hope you have had good weather there too xxx

Fan, I hope you are still doing ok xxx

Love to all you lovely ladies xxx

Also back from a lovely weekend away in London - beautiful spring weather, and lovely times with friends, reminding us why we enjoyed living there.

Kleine belated happy birthday and how was your own time away?

Snowdrop it must be a relief to have had the discussion with the consultant.

fan how has your weekend been? Keeping yourself occupied, I hope?

blizy just hoping that you haven't come down too hard after Zoe's birthday, but that you are feeling like you celebrated her properly.

ellypoo wow, exciting!! it's such a relief to have a date fixed, isn't it?

green are you fully recovered now?

razz ah, one year for Samuel. Fantastic!!

angel <hugs>

babyh <hugs> too. How are your grandad and MIL at the moment. And yes, you definitely deserve a break.

little yuck, job uncertainty is very hard, I think. I hope it sorts itself out soon, with you on the right side!

whatever do you start work again tomorrow? Hope it isn't too challenging leaving your beautiful Holly.

blue how is Lotta? I took Finn to a baby massage class on Friday, and he made a rather "interesting' impression. Hmm. Arrived asleep, then woke screaming, as he was hungry. Fed him, then he pooed everywhere. Stripped him off, put on a change of clothes, and he was then copiously sick all over the only extra babygro top I had brought with me... all while the other babies happily were being massaged. We finally joined in, with my chubby boy just in his nappy, happily looking around and cooing and being completely adorable. I had to giggle. Must try better this week.

How are you doing fan? Been thinking about you lots!

Sounds like a good weekend Mias love hearing about Finn's little adventures. Holly loved baby massage but it did seem to bring out the loudest amounts of wind out of her! Thank you for asking - yes today was my first day back, cried my eyes out leaving H and she was only with my mum today god knows how ill be leaving her at nursery!!

Did you have a nice weekend away Kleine?

5 weeks Elly wow! Excited for you xx

Sorry not to namecheck everyone - am shattered! Lots of love to all though xx

greengoose Tue 05-Mar-13 02:57:47

Just up for a little while, bad dreams again so trying to clear my head....

I hope those of you who were away enjoyed yourselves. MIAS...I am just beginning to be able to think about London without immediate horror, but we used to spend a lot of time there and loved it, good counterpoint for rural non multicultural Devon! Hopefully we will enjoy it again soon! Funny to think of Merryn as a 'London girl'...
MIA'S woods sound perfect, Such a lot of love to plant!

KLEINE, I hope you found comfort in the waves, and nature around you, sometimes it helps me, other I feel how small I am in everything. Not that that's a bad thing, I guess! I'm sorry you are having to go down the Ivf path, but so glad you are starting, if you see what I mean? You a both very brave. X

FAN... How are you? It just terrifying isn't it? I hope everything's going well, I'm still sending lots of positive thoughts your way.....

ANGEL... Such a shit time you've had, how are you? Have you booked that holiday yet?

ELLY... Not long to wait! You've done so well, I hope the last weeks are quick in passing for you!

WTW... I'm sorry leaving H was so hard, although I cant imagine it could be anything else... Well done though, brave lady!

SNOWDROP... I'm glad your consultant meeting is done now, always such a big step. I never felt brave for trying again, just that there was only this way to move forward, I think (for me) it would actually have been braver not to! Im sure when the time is right to try, you will feel it and go from there, and we are all here for you. Xxx

I know I've missed lots of you, but it's silly o'clock and I need to try to sleep!

My mum is visiting tomorrow, for two weeks. Hmmmm. It'll be the second time since Merryn was born. She will be here for mothers day. We have a complicated relationship. Two weeks is a very long time, but she is frail and it's needed for her to manage the travel. I can't go into detail, I'm v findable here if anyone cares to try, but it will be a long two weeks. She loves me v much, which is the main thing, and we will get through it.... I'm going to sleep now, hope the dreams are done for tonight.

green I'll join you in the bad dreams, horrible!

greengoose Tue 05-Mar-13 07:30:47

Hi Fan... Yes, just appears to be a crazy side affect.... I kept having them most of the night, but was too tired to stay awake any more. My gran would say it was my own fault for eating cheese before bed! Any cures, let me know...
Have you contacted the MWs yet?

Apologies to all for worse than usual spelling etc last night, was v tired!

green I don't have a cure, my imagination is on over drive during pg, I just have to go with it. I havnt contacted the MW's yet I think I will be put on the list on friday. The nausea has hit today! Tictacs at the ready, hope they help.

Reasurrance needed please ladies. I've just walked around the local supermarket looking for dinner and I'm having some stabby shooting pain in my womb area. Now I'm sure its just ligament pain but I am worried. If it continues I may ring the docs or at the very least go to an epu tomorrow. Please tell me its normal!

greengoose Tue 05-Mar-13 17:58:46

FAN...I had this, and panicked, but doc said it was normal, unless on the side in one place, as could signal ectopic. (I had it with Merryn too, can't remember as far back as the two boys....). I got an early scan out of it. I think it was just things stretching..... I really hope all is fine, and I'm sure it is, but get checked, if nothing else then to put your mind at rest. Are you six weeks yet? Here to hold your hand love, it's all just blooming scary. X

Thank you green it is in the smae place the stabby pain. But its only when I walk about. I might go to GP in the morning and see what they say. It is very blooming scary.

RainboxFX Tue 05-Mar-13 18:18:04

Here to hold your hand fan. I think it is normal, I have been having sort of stabby pains all the way through and the doctors/MW have never been too concerned, but I think you going to the Dr is a great idea if you think it will put your mind at ease.

Sorry I haven't been about much, work is really busy and I am feeling very anxious. Have been refered to the prenatal mental health unit to "discuss my birth phobia". I don't think I really have a birth phobia, I have a things going wrong during birth phobia. I think I would like to push for a c-section but I am worried about setting my heart on one and being refused, then getting upset.

Thinking about all of us, in good times and bad x x

blizy Wed 06-Mar-13 07:53:37

Fan, how are you doing?

Rainbox, sorry you are feeling so anxious, I hope the counselling helps. X

blizy I'm ok, no more pain, but I took the day off work. I think I just got way too worked up last night. If I feel anymore then its straight to the GP's.

greengoose Wed 06-Mar-13 10:44:37

RAINBOX.. Sorry youre having a tough time. I think it's just completely normal that you worry about what could go wrong, how could you not? I think if you really want a elcs then you should push for it, under nice guidelines they would be pretty out of line to refuse you, and you could always ask for a different consultant. They should let you have as much control over how you give birth as possible, and I know people have been granted CSs for far far less. You are doing amazing well, and the time is passing, with your baby getting bigger and stronger. <hug>

FAN... Well done for taking the day off. This is more important, and if it helps you to take some time, then you should. Do go to the doc if you are worried, even if just for a chat. You should try and plan something to look forward to, just to stop going crazy, even if it's just nice food or something. It's really 'good' you are feeling sick!

I'm spending today making world book day costumes, J(10) is going as Lorek Byrnison, the armoured polar bear from Phillip Pullmans 'Northern Lights' books. Bit tricky. Only to be trumped by K(5) who is going as 'The Hedgehog with the Wooden Spoon'.
After much frustrated grilling by me as to which book this was he said "well Mummy, I just haven't written it yet....". Hmmmm. Hedgehogs are tricky...

green thank you, I'm fine most of the time but every now and then this one thing about this pregnancy takes hold and me and DH both freak out. Its going to be a long nine months. Your boys costumes sound great, well done to J for picking Iorek! And K sounds like he has an amazing imagination!

rainbox I agree with every thing green has said.

poglol Wed 06-Mar-13 21:16:02

Hi all, hope you all ok. Been hectic few days. Had a hen party on Sat which was really fun. Found out a couple who were expecting had kept it quiet from me n dh cos they didn't know what to say. Didn't stop them putting it out on twitter tho, so that was how me n dh found out. I can't believe that.

Rainbox, I agree you don't have a birth phobia. I definitely have a things going wrong phobia. The consultant told me I could have a cs if we get pregnant again. My little one was starved of oxygen during the birth due to the cord being round her neck. There's no way I could go through giving birth thinking that that could happen again. It's great they are offering you support to deal with this but you are definitely not unusual to feel this way.

green I lolled hearing your children's costume ideas! Hope they (or you) win a prize!

fan hope you are feeling ok. Green is right, you must put yourself first and take it easy. (easier said than done I know).

It was 6 months on Monday since my little one was born and 6 months tomorrow she died. Can't believe the time has gone so quickly. My work colleagues had a collection when she died and collected £70. Me n dh not sure what to do with it. Thinking of buying some books for the school in her memory. What do you guys think? Do you have any ideas?

Babyh200 Wed 06-Mar-13 23:03:41

Evening ladies
So much to catch up on with everyone I am always thinking of u all so here it goes in no particular order lol:

Green: thinking of u. Hope your managing ok.....has your mum arrived now? The days seem to be flying is it less than 2 wks now until your next scan? Hope you have nice dreams tonight......I've had lots of strange dreams too its awful when u have broken sleep x Your costumes for book day sound unbelievable I'm really impressed smile my son has absolutely no interest in choosing a character and is wearing his football kit!!! J is gonna be Dorothy complete with a cute basket and little dog too.......not a real one obviously smile xxxxxxxxxx

Poglol: I hope tomorrow is gentle on u. I found 6 months a particularly tough day. Grrrrrrr to the Twitter announcement people are just so bloody insensitive arnt they!!! All of a sudden it's like people think you have a virus and its catching.......remember, they have no idea..................I'd rather think that than resent their ignorance!! We had a few kind donations which we gave to the Alder Centre where we go for counselling because they were such a great support to us when we were in the depths of despair. The books sound like a lovely idea! Xxxxxxxx

Fan: I'm relieved your pains have gone, Your doing incredibly well. Hope you sleep well tonight and have NICE dreams xxxxx

More to follow..........

Babyh200 Wed 06-Mar-13 23:05:27

Sorry POGLOL I just read again and realise 6 months was on Monday, sorry! Xxxx

Babyh200 Wed 06-Mar-13 23:40:50

Rainbox: Sorry your feeling anxious......it's understandable and not a phobia. If you really want a c-section kick up merry hell until you get one thats what I would do in your position. I can now look back at my last pregnancy and realise I let them dictate terms ( prior to 'A' dying ) and that definitely won't ever happen again. I was scheduled for a planned section and they back peddled and said I would have to deliver to which I point blank refused due to previous massive blood loss when I had 'J'. I later found out it was the right decision because I did the same again but they got it under control during the OP. I'm certainly not a wimp I delivered 'J' myself but was really sick afterwards and in hospital on the ward for a week. I think you should push for your rights and do whatever you need to do to get through the pregnancy and bring Team P home safely xxxxxxx

Snowdrop: Sorry you didn't get any answers, it's so tough and there's so many 'what ifs' with all of us. I always think exactly what you've said 'if I had just got to the hospital earlier' etc etc Dont blame yourself.........all you ever wanted was to bring your beautiful baby girl home and I wish you did x I'm glad the consultant was nice and hope the meeting helped......if only a tiny bit. Xxxxxxx

Kliene: hope you had a lovely birthday weekend on the coast. How long before you start treatment? I'm here to hold you hand my lovely friend xxxxxxx

Mia's: thank you for thinking of me. Mil still in hossy with no signs of getting out. Grandad home after an OP to remove a tumour on his bladder. He's very frail TBH but at least he's back in his own home with my nan for now which is what he desperately wanted. He will find out in a few weeks if its cancer and if its spread. On a happier note Finns massage class stories made me smile he is such a little character I can't wait to hear about next week. Blowing kisses to Mia too. Night Night xxxxxxx

Babyh200 Thu 07-Mar-13 00:01:16

Whatever: how's the girls? Hope you coping with being back in work xxxxxx

Elly: chuffed you have a date for delivery. Not long now, stay strong your almost there xxxxxx

Blue: how are you? I often thing of your gorgeous girls xxxxx

Blizy: hope your keeping your chin up. Thinking of you xxxxxx

Angel: You too.....I hope your family are being supportive. I know you must be feeling it with your brothers baby on the way too. Big hugs......always here if you feel like a moan xxxxxx

Little: how are you getting on with the baking? Hope the days are being kind xxxxx

Apologies if I missed alone out I'm knackered now and off to bed.

If I get side tracked as the week goes on I just wanted to say I will be thinking of all you lovely mums on Sunday. I'm incredibly lucky to have 2 living children and I wish my lovely angel baby boy was here so I could give him a Mothers Day cuddle. I've had lots of signs lately, lights flickering etc I'm sure he's around though!!!!

Night night xxxxxxx

snowdrop2012 Thu 07-Mar-13 00:21:41

Poglol I am thinking of you during this very tough week. 6 months sounds a lifetime and no time at all. It is all so confusing. I know that it is far too long to be without your precious little one. I think the books idea is just lovely. We are doing some fundraising through family and friends for Sands, but I definitely think the books will be a wonderful legacy.

Fan I hope that the pains have disappeared and you have had a nice relaxing day. I can only imagine how incredibly tough it must be, but I thinking of you and pray for you each night.

I hope your costumes went well Green - sound epic! I hope also that your nasty dreams leave you alone soon, must leave you feeling so exhausted.

Rainbox I completely agree with everyone. My understanding is that it is everyone's 'right' to have a c-sec and people often have them when there is no reason at all. You have a bloody good reason why you should have one. I think that if your first consultant refuses, he must pass you on to another for a second opinion. My consultant has said that he hasnt ruled anything out for next time (when it happens) but that he would prefer a natural labour - but he's not ruled it out and so I definitely think you should have the discussion as I'm not sure that they are allowed to rule it out completely. It is so unfair that our pregnancies have to be like this now, if only we could still have the innocence of before....

Babyh Glad to hear your grandad is home, although I know it is still full of worry. Also, I hope that they are taking care of your MIL in hospital. Thinking of you xxx

Hope you had a nice break Kleine

I think I may have had a bit of a delayed reaction to the PM results. After the meeting and the last few days I have been quite reasonable, taking the results in my stride and telling myself it was the 'best outcome', but tonight I have felt awful and have had to get out of bed so as not to wake DH. The grief hit me like a train but I have managed to calm down a bit.

I think I am also getting worked up about going away at the weekend. We are very lucky to be going to Dubai for a week, as it is my 30th birthday next week and I definitely wanted to be away from the pressure to celebrate. I am very grateful that we are going (and do not want to seem spoilt) as the sun and change of scenery will do us good. But it all just seems very strange. I am usually so excited about holidays but I just didn't think we would be going away again without our baby. My DH as said there is no pressure for me to get there and 'suddenly have the time of my life', he still expects we will be sad, just in a warmer climate so I guess the pressure is off. I am so sorry as I know how this must sound - I am very grateful to be getting away, but everything in life now seems so strange and different since we had Isla. I keep imagining how much of her stuff we would pack if she was coming with us. I know its not helpful but sometimes I cant help myself.

Thank you for listening to my non-problems! I hope you are all having a better night. Wave to everyone who I've not mentioned, but thinking of you all


snowdrop2012 Thu 07-Mar-13 00:37:35

Poglol I am thinking of you during this very tough week. 6 months sounds a lifetime and no time at all. It is all so confusing. I know that it is far too long to be without your precious little one. I think the books idea is just lovely. We are doing some fundraising through family and friends for Sands, but I definitely think the books will be a wonderful legacy.

Fan I hope that the pains have disappeared and you have had a nice relaxing day. I can only imagine how incredibly tough it must be, but I thinking of you and pray for you each night.

I hope your costumes went well Green - sound epic! I hope also that your nasty dreams leave you alone soon, must leave you feeling so exhausted.

Rainbox I completely agree with everyone. My understanding is that it is everyone's 'right' to have a c-sec and people often have them when there is no reason at all. You have a bloody good reason why you should have one. I think that if your first consultant refuses, he must pass you on to another for a second opinion. My consultant has said that he hasnt ruled anything out for next time (when it happens) but that he would prefer a natural labour - but he's not ruled it out and so I definitely think you should have the discussion as I'm not sure that they are allowed to rule it out completely. It is so unfair that our pregnancies have to be like this now, if only we could still have the innocence of before....

Babyh Glad to hear your grandad is home, although I know it is still full of worry. Also, I hope that they are taking care of your MIL in hospital. Thinking of you xxx

Hope you had a nice break Kleine

I think I may have had a bit of a delayed reaction to the PM results. After the meeting and the last few days I have been quite reasonable, taking the results in my stride and telling myself it was the 'best outcome', but tonight I have felt awful and have had to get out of bed so as not to wake DH. The grief hit me like a train but I have managed to calm down a bit.

I think I am also getting worked up about going away at the weekend. We are very lucky to be going to Dubai for a week, as it is my 30th birthday next week and I definitely wanted to be away from the pressure to celebrate. I am very grateful that we are going (and do not want to seem spoilt) as the sun and change of scenery will do us good. But it all just seems very strange. I am usually so excited about holidays but I just didn't think we would be going away again without our baby. My DH has said there is no pressure for me to get there and 'suddenly have the time of my life', he still expects we will be sad, just in a warmer climate so I guess the pressure is off. I am so sorry as I know how this must sound - I am very grateful to be getting away, but everything in life now seems so strange and different since we had Isla. I keep imagining how much of her stuff we would pack if she was coming with us. I know its not helpful but sometimes I cant help myself.

Thank you for listening to my non-problems! I hope you are all having a better night. Wave to everyone who I've not mentioned, but thinking of you all


snowdrop2012 Thu 07-Mar-13 00:39:38

Oops, not sure why this posted twice, sorry! Must be operating machinery while drowsy. Will stop now! Night x

KleinePoppet Thu 07-Mar-13 08:03:30

Wanted to send love to all. I am feeling exhausted at the moment (think it's my body's way of preparing for stress - all I want to do is sleep. I went to bed at 10 last night and woke at 7, and I am still shattered...), so please forgive the lack of name-checking, but I HAVE read everything and am really thinking of everyone who's having a particularly hard time at the moment.
We had a fairly awful weekend away (!) but were glad we went anyway, and are now on the fertility treatment rollercoaster. They've brought things forward a bit, so I've been in and out of the clinic already, and first scan is next week before starting the down-regs. On Tues in the waiting room, I sat next to not one but two couples, all grinning away and whispering excitedly at each other, clutching their six-week scan photos - which was really lovely actually!

Babyh200 Thu 07-Mar-13 13:11:52

Hello All

Kliene: Sorry your weekend was awful.......god everything is so hard at times. Forgive my ignorance regarding down-regs? I will google in a mo and bring myself up to speed. Stay strong, I will pray you will be holding a scan photo soon just like those other couples in the waiting room xxxxxxx

Snowdrop: Ah.....I thought you would be feeling it. I was desperate to meet with the consultant and then when the meeting was over I felt so sad and empty. It feels like such a waste to have nothing after carrying the baby for so long so for me it was something to focus on. Remember, one day at a time I know and understand how incredibly hard it is to be on this journey. Xxxxxxxxx

Hope everyone else is ok today especially FAN xxxxxxx

Babyh200 Thu 07-Mar-13 13:15:30

Snowdrop: I hope my message made sense.....I meant I understand how bad you must be feeling......try and stay strong its still very early days in the grieving process and so raw for you at the moment xxxxxxxx

KleinePoppet Fri 08-Mar-13 16:15:41

How is everybody today? Thinking of you all...

Hi babyh my lovely. How are YOU doing? Do let us know. Nearly eight months for you, I know... Nine months for us tomorrow, then Mother's Day straight after - lovely hmm ! I'm feeling ok-ish about it - although it's stressful staring down the barrel of the IVF gun, it's also really helping me to know we're doing something... whether or not it works, we're trying, and that's helpful.
Oh and to answer your question, down-regs (down-regulating) are the first part of a long-protocol IVF cycle, when you take drugs to stop your natural cycle. Once everything is set to 'zero', you can start the stimulating part of the cycle when you want your ovaries to start producing lots of follicles. That'll be the bit when I'm posting on here every five minutes in floods of tears because of all the extra hormones in my system... wink

snowdrop2012 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:21:27

Thank you Babyh. I sometimes have to remind myself that it is still early days. It seems so long and at the same time no time at all, since I held my little girl. It is so comforting to know that you lovely ladies understand. I hope you are ok too. Xx

Kleine - will be thinking of you throughout your IVF journey. Here whenever you need to rant or cry etc. I will pray for you. xxxxx

Babyh200 Sat 09-Mar-13 07:18:04

Morning ladies

I'm not sleeping very well at the moment......hence the early post!!

I've got a busy day ahead. Got to be at the stone masons for 10am to choose some stones for the babies grave. It's coming on Monday (yay.......at last) so once the stonemason has checked everything is ok we could get the green light for it to be installed. She has confirmed it will be before 26th March if everything is in order.

Kliene: thinking of your beautiful 'E' today. I wish she was here. I don't know whether your visiting the cemetery today but spring is in the air and the daffs and crocuses are coming out which make it so nicer. I wish of course that SHE WAS HERE and you were busy doing all the things a mother should. I'm on a learning curve with your IVF journey.....if you don't mind me asking how long does it take? Here with you every step of the way to hold your hand and listen to your 'Extra Hormones' xxxxxxxxxx

Babyh200 Sat 09-Mar-13 07:47:10

Snowdrop: I remember wishing I could fast forward my life 6 months so the pain wouldn't be as bad. I longed for the day I wouldn't wake up each day and relive the events of that awful day. The doctors face the day we went to the hospital will be engraved in my mind forever. He didn't have to say it.........
It does get easier though and during those early dark days I never thought it would. Time definitely helps. Another mistake I made was cutting myself off from my 2 best friends. I just felt like they didn't understand how much I was suffering and I resented that and just hid myself away. I would make constant excuses not to do anything.......life was marching on but my world had fell apart the day my baby boy died. It was only when one of them came round and started to cry I realised how much they were missing me and things are a lot better.

Time is a great healer, I hope my little stories are helping, if not.....feel free to tell me to shut up!!!!

Ok gonna hit the shops for bread and milk while everyone in the Babyh household is still asleep.

Thinking of all the growing rainbows. Also thinking of the mums who are holding their rainbow babies at last xxxxxx

Angel, Little and Blizy big hugs to you xxxx

Hope the day is kind.

Thinking of us all and apologies to anyone I've missed xxxxxx

Sending love to everyone. So proud of my beautiful Mia. So honoured to be friends with you all as Mother's Day is nearly here. So proud of all our amazing children, angels and rainbows alike. xx

greengoose Sat 09-Mar-13 23:04:15

Love to everyone for tomorrow, I'll be thinking about us all and our children. You are all such amazing Mothers, and amazing friends too. Last Mothers day we chose Merryns name, and went on a boat trip to watch dolphins, she wriggles inside, this year she is in my heart instead. Xx

KleinePoppet Sun 10-Mar-13 08:16:25

Also wanting to wish everyone SO much love on this Mother's Day. Each and every mummy on this thread has demonstrated to me the true strength of motherhood - you're all amazing. Thinking of all our wonderful children today. And, as ever, so glad to be a mummy to the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. She is my inspiration. Love you, little poppet Xxx

Much love to everyone! X

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Mon 11-Mar-13 20:59:03

Hello everyone! I'm sorry I'm so crap at keeping up these days. I've scanned the thread and can't remember enough details, but Fan, special lady, big hugs from me! So pleased for you and praying so hard.

I just wanted to come back on here today - tomorrow will be 2 years since Thea died. Wednesday will be her second birthday. My little love, my first baby. She was so perfect and so special. My little star-baby.

Thank you too, I will light a candle for Thea. Two years is too long! Next month it will be two years for Ophelia aswell.

How are you fan?
Much love too
It will be 2 years for Sterre in June.

blue I'm ok, 7 weeks wednesday. I'm getting there one day at a time. I have moments of utter craziness where it doesn't feel real or that it will stick and others where I think of the future and my second baby. God that feels so strange to say, second baby.

Babyh200 Mon 11-Mar-13 23:13:53

Evening all:

Too: Ah nice to hear from you. I will be thinking of Thea tomorrow x

Also hugs to Fan and Blue.......sorry its been almost 2 long years since you held your babies.

Hope everyone managed to get through Mothers Day ok I was thinking of you all.

My Sil was round yesterday and she is due in a few weeks. She announced that she has bought the exact same pram I bought for my beautiful boy, same colour and everything......complete with the Maxi Cosi car seat. It wasn't a mistake because I know she knew I had it........ I had a good old cry about it today.......of all the pushchairs available why pick mine!! I can remember her admiring it when I bought it so even if she had sent a polite text asking was it alright I think I might have took it a bit better............

Oh well I've had my moan and I'm off to bed now!!

Night everyone xxxx

Thinking of you and MrToo today Too and of course little Thea. Two years too long - hope the day is gentle on you.

Grrr to your SIL babyh do some people just not possess the empathy gene??!

KleinePoppet Tue 12-Mar-13 13:00:59

Too sending all my love. How wonderful it would be if Thea was with you... I hope you and DH pass through these days as easily as possible, and I'm sure you have planned some wonderful ways to celebrate and remember. Thinking of you, and of her xx

babyh Oh love. What a thoughtless, thoughtless woman. And I can't really quite believe she's chatting to you about which pram she's chosen, let alone that she chose exactly the same one. I presume this is your 'nasty' SIL as opposed to your nice one? Really sorry you had to go through that, and will have to see her with the pram in the future... Huuuuge hugs. How are your grandad and MIL? Any news on progress with A's headstone?

fan big waves at you - I did a massive grin when I read your phrase 'my second baby'. I can't tell you how much I hope that this is it, baby number two on the way xx

wtw how are you doing lovely, you must feel so so busy and tired being back at work - plus I saw on FB you'd been so poorly - argh! Feeling any better now?

snowdrop I think you said you were going on holiday this week for your birthday. I won't wish you a 'happy' birthday, but I hope you are glad to go away, and that you and DH can use the time to draw closer to each other and to remember your lovely daughter xx

AFM I start my IVF cycle tomorrow. Had a scan today, and my consultant walked past and said hello while I was in the waiting room. I got home to find he'd emailed me, saying he hadn't wanted to stop and chat while others were there, but he hoped I was ok, and that he'd checked with my nurses and was glad things were starting. Little things mean a lot, don't they! I've been a whimpering mess talking about E with the nurses, which is both nice, and important... they have all been so sad for us, and seem to have understood that I'll need kid-glove-handling during this process - however many times we may need to do it. Everyone really seems to be doing their best to help us so far, so I'm pleased about that.

Much love to everyone else too - esp thinking of angel and little today xxx

blizy Tue 12-Mar-13 13:41:26

Too, thinking of you, Mrtoo and of course Thea. X

greengoose Tue 12-Mar-13 18:28:48

TOO... Two years is far too long. Thinking of you all today.

KLEINE... I'm glad that you are being looked after by kind people, it does make a huge diference. I'm glad your Ivf is beginning, but it must be so difficult for you to be so consumed by the process. I hope you can catch the first cycle and don't have to go through it again (unless you choose to).

11 months today we met Merryn, and next month will be her birthday. I can't in any way believe its been almost a year. She'd be so big, and so strong by now...

Razzdazz Tue 12-Mar-13 20:50:36

Happy 2nd birthday angel Thea, love to the too family.
Still thinking of you fan and keeping you in my prayers xx

I am also very unexpectedly pregnant again despite having a coil in!! 10 weeks on thursday so that must be around 3 weeks ahead of you fan? And so it all begins again..............

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Tue 12-Mar-13 21:10:52

Thank you everyone. It means so much to me that you remember Thea too.

Razz, congratulations! Wow! Wishing you a healthy easy pg that passes in a flash. not jealous at all or strongly considering a bash at ttc tomorrow

razz amazing news, congrats. This has made me smile, we will be pg together, it feels like its meant to be. Yep 3 weeks ahead of me.

too my candle is burning bright for Thea!

Sending love to Thea, too and MrToo today.

kleine your doctor sounds lovely.

fan keep on with the mantra!!

razz fab news!!!

babyh <sigh and grrr> at your thoughtless SIL.

whatever hope you are all better soon!! also poorly with a heavy cold, although it was MrMia and lovely friends who did a half marathon for Mia's Wood on the weekend - I was just cheer squad. They raised over £3000! (and the pressure is now on for the ladies to perform equally well...)

Finn isn't going to sleep tonight. 3rd feed since 6pm. He has developed a really cross scream when he isn't picked up or cuddled fast enough. Hmm. I don't want to encourage it, but he is very loud and persistent if I ignore him!

KleinePoppet Thu 14-Mar-13 12:36:55

razz congratulations!! What a wonderful surprise. <makes mental note to try the coil as a method of conceiving, if the IVF doesn't work out wink> And so lovely that you and fan have such similarly-timed pregnancies! Now you can spend the next seven-ish months freaking out together before you meet your little ones smile

green sending you and Merryn lots of love. Unbelievable, that's it's almost a year. Really, just unbelievable. Time plays some very funny tricks these days.
How are you doing - and I hope the nightmares are receding? It can't be too long now until your next scan. I think of you often xx

too still thinking of you and Thea, as well xx

mias I hope Finn eventually went to sleep the other night! He really does sound like he is developing quite a character - that's so wonderful. And judging by the screaming as you describe it, perhaps he's going to be as loud and proud as his big sister smile

And just wanted to say, elly, also thinking of you - just a few little weeks to go... Hang on in there...


LittleStar0909 Thu 14-Mar-13 12:58:18

Hi, I wondered if I could join? My first baby was stillborn at the beginning of September last year, can't actually believe it has been 6 mths already, my emotions are still pretty much up and down on a daily basis (and when I say up I'm sure all you ladies understand that I really mean less bad). Husband and I are currently ttc, which is difficult. We both desperately want a baby, but dtd can be trickywhen you don't really feel like it. It is nice to read the posts of other ladies who are now pg again, congratulations razz and fan, I really hope the next 7mths pass quickly for you. X

Hello again everyone! Lots of new people and old ones too, I've come back to MN after a long break, missed you all. Ella is now 13 months, can't quite believe that. Disabled my profile for a while as I've just found out that I'm pregnant again! Bit of a shock as I had en early scan yesterday after having pain and they saw 2 sacs!

Only about 5 weeks so anything could happen, as we all know, but bloods came back at 4700 hcg. I'm going for another blood test in the morning to make sure they've doubled at least and then back for another scan in 2 weeks. Certainly quite a surprise.

Now to attempt a catch up!

Littlestar so sorry to hear of your loss, I remember those early days well and it was almost unbearable. My daughter Scarlett was stillborn in Dec 2010 at 37 weeks.

Fan lovely news that you're pregnant, massive congratulaions!

Too happy 2nd birthday to Thea, so sorry I missed it

Razz Congratulations on your pregnancy too!

green almost a year (hugs), Scarlett would have been 2 in December.

We haven't decided on a headstone yet, one of the hardest things ever, I want it to be perfect for her.

LittleStar0909 Thu 14-Mar-13 15:05:06

Thank you cheese, congratulations on your news, something magical about twins. Im sorry about the loss of Scarlett, but what a beautiful name. I'm sure whatever you choose for a headstone will be right for you and Scarlett but I totally understand the feeling that it needs to be perfect xx

greengoose Thu 14-Mar-13 15:50:08

Welcome to LITTLESTAR...I'm sorry you need to find us, but glad that you have. If you like, we'd love to know more about your baby? (but only if you want to). Six months is still very early on, and I agree ttc can be a strain. I hope it happens quickly for you both.
I have two boys already, aged 10 and 5, and had my little girl, Merryn, in April last year. She survived for six days, but in the end the tumour she was born with won the fight, and we had to say goodbye. I miss her terribly. I am lucky enough to be 16 weeks with my fourth child. I've also had three MCs, so it's still early days! These ladies have got me to this point, I'm not sure where I'd be without them!

CHEESE!! Congrats! Twins, that's really amazing! (I know it's really really early too, and I will simmer down now, but it IS amazing, isn't it)?!

KLEINE, how are you lovely lady? Have the hormones gone crazy yet? One day at a time.... (But I wish it could skip forward and you didn't have to go through this bit).

Sorry not to say hi to everyone, we are mid crisis.
My mum has just been taken to hospital in an ambulance, with a possible spinal fracture. I'm on here to calm myself for a bit so I can be 'normal' for the boys.
It's been a crazy crazy day. I also had the 16 wk MW appt, which was hard anyway, and then she couldn't find the HB, and she kept wanting to stop, and I was crying and begging her to keep trying... Which thank god she did and found it, but I really thought the worst.
oh well, hopefully mum will have only pulled a muscle or something. I don't know what happens if it's serious, best not think about that right now! DPs racing back from London. (he's always racing to and from london it seems). My little boy is convinced she will die. But she won't, so although horrible, it's good for him to learn people usually don't die in hospital. I'm going to go and feed them cake and curl up in front of the tv with them.... Sorry for the ramble!

LittleStar0909 Thu 14-Mar-13 16:11:20

Hi green goose, thank you for the welcome and for asking about my baby. Sounds like you are having a really terrible time. Fingers crossed your mum is ok and it is something minor/easily fixable. Your 16wk appointment sounds awful, pregnancy after loss must be so so difficult, thank goodness she found the heartbeat though and baby #4 is well. I'm so sorry to hear about Merryn but glad that you got 6 days with her (hopefully you know what i mean by that, obviously nothing is good when it ends in your baby being taken from you) and that you have found support here.

My little boy was called Finn, I was 27 weeks pregnant and everything had been going textbookly perfect and then I just didn't feel him move. The hospital scan confirmed he had died and he was born 3 days later, he was absolutely perfect. He was my first baby and I miss him terribly. We didn't know he was a boy, but had a "feeling". This might sound strange, but because I was right I feel like I knew him a bit better, suppose I am just clinging on to anything I can. We got to cuddle him and hold him and dress him and I am so grateful for that time, still trying to adjust to the "new normal" and seem to be getting there slowly but surely.

Anyway, rather long post, apologies, enjoy cake and tv and cuddles xxx

littlestar welcome to the thread, but also so sorry that you find yourself here. Your Finn does sound perfect.
My daughter Ophelia was still born at 36 weeks two years ago next month, we have also had two early miscarraiges since then, and I now find myself 7 weeks pregnant. I hope your ttc journey is a short one, but we will be here for however long it takes and also for the pregnancy and the journey after.

poppet one of my good friends is going through IVF treatment at the moment, she has had her eggs harvested and has six good embryos, but they had to freeze them all as her ovaries had not shrunk back to size after all the hormones. How is it all going?

green wow your day really is being tough on you, Im glad in the end your baby showed its heartbeat. Your poor mum I hope shes ok.

cheese so good to have you back and with maybe two littles ones growing! Wow, fingers crossed you have a sticky bean or two in there. Im here to fret with you.

KleinePoppet Thu 14-Mar-13 17:27:33

littlestar unless it's an extremely unlikely coincidence, I am pretty sure we already know each other smile I will just send you a text to find out for sure! xx

cheese a quiet, fingers-crossed 'congrats! twins!!!!!!' coming in your direction from me... all of this lovely news on the thread at the moment. Truly, gives me hope. I so so hope all will continue to be well, I know it's very early but we'll all be hoping for you.

green what a day. Your poor mum, your poor little boys, and most of all, actually, poor you. Please come on here to calm yourself/rant/offload whenever you can over the next few days. So sorry you are having to deal with all of this - I really hope your mum's condition is much better than feared. And I'm SO glad you did hear the heartbeat today xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

fan <waves> how are you today? All going ok here so far, ta. Your friend sounds like she's having a stressful time of it with the IVF; I guess they're aiming to do a FET once her ovaries have sorted themselves out - I hope it works for them.

<waves to all>
<still smiling because I am 99.99% sure that I know who littlestar is>

KleinePoppet Thu 14-Mar-13 17:36:22

smile I was right.
And she's LOVELY, by the way.

Oh my goodness cheese congratulations a double rainbow surprise! Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly!

littlestar sorry to see you here but very welcome. Please tell us about your little one when you want to.

razz congratulations too!

fan how are you lovely lady?

I think little miss L is teething already, she's quite grumpy when she's not on the boob and dribbling loads and chewing everything.
She's also a bottle refuser which doesn't make it easy when I need to leave her to do some work stuff sad

Oh my goodness - just had a catch up of the last few days and wow smilesmile to Razz and Cheese lovely wonderful news both of you (though yours makes me a little nervous Razz as I've been thinking about having a coil fitted - I'm not sure I'd cope with an unexpected surprise atm!) possible twins cheese grin quiet squeeee!

Littlestar I'm so sorry you find yourself here and what a coincidence that you know lovely kleine already! Finn sounds absolutely perfect. I hope your ttc journey is a short one. We lost our 2nd dd Erin 18 months ago shortly after her birth to cancer. I'm lucky enough to have a 6yr old dd and also went on to have a 3rd dd 7 months ago. It's so hard but there is hope xx

Green my lovely - any news on your mum. What happened? Did she have a fall? MW appt sounds massively stressful - I remember it well waiting to hear the hb I had a similar appt at around 16 weeks - they're still so small and tricky to catch at that stage. Huge hugs to you xx

Kleine how are you my friend? It must be hard building up to the ivf xx

Angel how are things with you? xx

Today you are pregnant Fan xxxx

Love hearing about Finn and Lotta Mias and Blue and seeing their gorgeous pictures on fb. H was a bottle refuser at first blue but had to persevere because of me going back to work and eventually she took to it and now we have no problems at all.

How are you babyh? hope your SIL has wound her neck in!

How was Theas 2nd birthday Too? xxx

Thinking of you Elly home straight now. We're all here to help you through the last few weeks xxx

Loved the bump pics rainbox grin How are you feeling? xx

Being back at work is knackering and I miss my lovely long Holly days soooo much. Its definitely harder juggling two kids and ft work and all of K's activities. Tomorrows my half day though, can't wait to have some time with my girls! Thankfully we're all over the horrid sickness bug that seemed to wipe out everyone we had been in contact with!! Taking K and her little friends to Sleeping Beauty on Ice on Saturday for her birthday treat - she's very excited as am I smile

Lots of love to all xxxx

LittleStar0909 Thu 14-Mar-13 23:16:17

Hi everyone, I have just had a LONG read of the thread and I have to say I am totally overwhelmed at the kindness and support you have all shown each other. I feel like I "know" you all after reading these posts. Sorry not to name check (I will get better with time I promise) but I am so so sad to hear about your beautiful angel children and also very happy for those with Rainbows here or on the way, it gives me hope that the future may hold some happiness to go along with the sadness that we will all carry forever.

Special big thank you to Kleine for endorsing me! And also a big hello to Mias as our sons share the same name. It did bring a little wateryness to my eyes, but also maybe me smile as I like to think my Finn would have had some of the qualities of yours, he sounds like a wonderful boy.

Thank you for being so welcoming, lots of love and hugs to everyone xx

hello back littlestar. I am so sorry that you find yourself here, and that your own little Finn is not with you. It is heartbreaking. My beautiful little redhead, Mia, died unexpectedly at the age of 13 months in October 2011, and her little rainbow brother, Finn, was born last December, 13 months later. These ladies here have been wonderful before and throughout my pregnancy, and I do feel like they are true friends. Finally - thank you for acknowledging my own Finn, it is very generous of you. xx

cheese ooooo!!

green what a worrying day for you. How is your mother now?

We heard tonight that SIL has had a baby girl. So happy for them, but it was a funny feeling, because she thought she was having a boy. Somewhere in my brain, I obviously have a black spot - although I was happy for them all, I suddenly wanted my little girl very badly too, and resented the fact that she had hers and I didn't have my own sunshiny, noisy girl. MrMia and I had a little cry together.

snowdrop2012 Fri 15-Mar-13 07:41:39

Hi ladies,

Have been keeping an eye on the thread whilst I've been away. I'm glad we came-although Mother's Day was still very hard, I think it was easier being away with just DH. I think it's true what they say about sunshine being good for you too smile Think it is helping me deal with today, which is 3 months since I had and lost my darling girl. And hope it will help with my 30th birthday tomorrow too. Am glad to not be surrounded by people making a well intended fuss.

babyh Thank you for your stories- they are very helpful and give me hope. I'm sorry that your SIL is so insensitive - I actually can't believe she did that- so selfish.

Fan Green Elly Rainbox Razz - continue to pray for you each day as you get closer to holding your gorgeous rainbows.

Kleine Thinking of you as you start the IVF - hoping for a quick positive result for you.

Cheese Wow how exciting! Have everything crossed for you smile

green hope your mum is ok- poor thing. Hopefully it's not too serious.

Miasmum Well done for raising all that money for Mia's wood. Just wonderful.

Too I hope Thea's birthday passed gently for you both. 2 years is an unbelievably long time to be without her.

Littlestar I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. Finn sounds absolutely beautiful and I'm so sorry he's not with you where he should be. We lost our first baby, our darling Isla in December at 38 weeks. She was stillborn but they couldn't find a reason why. Just a terrible accident. I miss her every minute of the day. We are thinking of Ttc in the summer. Being on this thread with these lovely ladies is really helping me to cope and I hope it helps you too.

Hello to everyone I've missed - hope you are all ok. xxxxxxxx

snowdrop2012 Fri 15-Mar-13 07:45:21

Also Mia I'm sorry that the birth of your niece made you so sad- it's so difficult isn't it? I know you are happy for them but at same time makes you miss your beautiful girl even more. 2 of my close friends have had girls in the last month and although I am happy and relieved for them, it is still very hard to handle. Thinking of you and DH Xxx

KleinePoppet Fri 15-Mar-13 15:04:20

snowdrop three months... I'm so, so sorry Isla isn't with you today, and tomorrow on your birthday, and every single day. I'm glad you're glad to be away from it all. Thinking of you xx

mias that's very hard, particularly if you all thought the baby was going to be a little boy. (I live in slight fear of my super-fertile SIL popping out another little girl.) I would imagine that you might always feel at least a little wistful around this newest member of your family... I'm glad, 'glad', you and MrMia could cry together. Consider yourself hugged xxxx

littlestar you're welcome my love smile

wtw have a great time being a big kid tomorrow! Lots of love to you xxxx

blue ah, little Lotta - teething is tough work for a little one, isn't it, but even harder for the mummies I think! I hope she does decide to take a bottle very soon.

blizy you were on my mind a lot this morning, just wondering how you are... And whether the referrals for the HSG etc have come through yet? I hope you're ok, and just wanted to send you a very big hug, and say that I am so looking forward to the day when you come on here with your BFP - I hope it's so so soon - it will be such a celebration...

Thanks all so so much for the well wishes re the IVF. It's early days so nothing much going on yet, although the down-regs are making me feel a bit spaced out and very tired. Still in the 'shutting down' part of the cycle, so it's not stressful yet - at least, not very!

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Fri 15-Mar-13 19:59:31

Cheese, squeeeeeee! Twins squeeee! I know it's v early days but wow, so exciting! Look at you and Razz both pg again, it's so lovely.

Mias, I've been thinking of you a lot as M approaches 13 months - trying to imagine how it must have been to lose Mia then. sad {{{{hugs}}}}

To everyone who thought of Thea on Wednesday - thank you so much. I can't really believe that it's been 2 years - sometimes it feels like an eternity, and sometimes hardly any time at all. I suppose the ache has lessened, but I still think of my darling firstborn every day and always will. Little M is the sunniest, sweetest baby, though, and she does help so much. I hope everyone on this thread gets their rainbow very soon!

Littlestar, so sorry to hear about your darling Finn. The ladies on this thread will hold your hand through thick and thin, so please stay around for support and an understanding ear whenever you need to rant or cry or hope.

Green, I'm so sorry your appt was so stressful. sad There's no fear like it. I'm so glad the mw finally found the hb and all was well. And I hope your mum is okay.

All this talk of second (and third!) rainbow babies is making me extra broody! DH and I were originally going to ttc in October after my 30th birthday party, but I can't wait that long any more. We've decided to do a bit of a health and fitness kick, and try to sort out our finances too, and then ttc in the summer, once June is safely past. I don't want another March baby, with Thea and Maia's birthdays so close together. An April baby would be fine, though...--tries to quash thoughts of ttc a Christmas baby--

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Fri 15-Mar-13 20:00:50

Why didn't that strike-through work?

Fan and Blizy, I think of you both so much and cannot wait for the days when each of you finally gets to cuddle your rainbow baby.

Need some hand holding, I'm spotting again! I've been having strong pg symptoms all day, nuasea and tender boobs, but now this! Could really do with out this!

LittleStar0909 Fri 15-Mar-13 21:03:19

Oh Fan try to stay positive if you can, (practically impossible I know) can you see your GP tomorrow, or go to the EPU for a scan? Holding your hand and squeezing it tight and desperately hoping that this baby sticks for you. Lots and lots of love xxxxxx

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Fri 15-Mar-13 21:09:38

Oh no, Fan. Here holding your hand! Stick, little baby, stick!

Babyh200 Fri 15-Mar-13 23:23:10

Evening all

Sorry I haven't been about much I've had loads on my plate this week.

Fan: We are all praying so hard for you. Try and rest up as much as possible......maybe a trip to the EPU might help put your mind at rest. FX everything is ok and the spotting goes by tomorrow xxxxxx

Kliene: Just to say I have been thinking of you on your IVF journey xxxxx

LittleStar: So sorry you find yourself here. I really wish your baby boy Finn was with you and you never had to find this thread. The ladies on here are so supportive and we are here to help as best we can. My 3rd child Adam was stillborn at 38+4 on 4/7/2012 five days before my planned c-section. I went to the hospital following reduced movement and a change of pattern but he was already gone when we got to the hospital. Its a long road but we are all trying to muddle through together, its so sad there are so many of us xxxx

Babyh200 Fri 15-Mar-13 23:39:13

Whatever: Hope you had a nice afternoon with the girls. Happy birthday to your gorgeous K.....I hope you have a fantastic time at Sleeping Beauty tomorrow, what a lovely treat! It is really tough juggling everything......those kids of mine have a better social life than I do! xxxxx

Green: Hope your mums ok xxx

Cheese: OMG soooooooo exciting xx

Razz: You too, lovely news theres so many growing rainbows xxxx

Mias: Big hugs after your SILS birth, it is so incredibly hard, I shed a little tear for you and Mr Mia. I know your happy for them but it reminds you of how much your missing your beautiful redheaded Mia............its so unfair shes not here too xxxxxx

Snowdrop: I hope you can enjoy your birthday as much as possible tomorrow and you get spoiled by your DH. Good idea to get away from everyone. xxxxx

Babyh200 Fri 15-Mar-13 23:50:49

Im really tired an going to bed soon.

Thinking of everyone I haven't mentioned especially ANGEL, LITTLE, BLIZY, ELLY, POGLOL, TOO and RAINBOX.

Well 'A's headstone memorial was fitted today its been a long hard slog because we imported it all by ourselves!! Its been pouring with rain here in the North so I didnt take any photos but I will take some next week. We are so delighted with it and its everything we wanted and more. God this time last year I was pregnant with him and so excited for the future...................my gorgeous baby boy I miss him so much xxxxxxx

Oh Fan squeezing your hand tight and sending so many sticky vibes. I was about 8 weeks when QA EPU saw me for an early scan - I hope you can get in to have one. If not there is that private scanning place in Cams Hall estate - I also had a scan there, they were brilliant and may even be able to see you today xxxxxx

Babyh200 Sat 16-Mar-13 08:25:42

Morning everyone been awake at some ridiculous hour again. Just cant sleep at the moment.

Fan: Hows things this morning? Hope the spotting has stopped! Massive hugs coming your way from the Babyh household xxxxxxx

Love to everyone xx

KleinePoppet Sat 16-Mar-13 08:39:21

fan also hoping so much that it's stopped by now... the stress levels are off the chart, I know. Hugs xx

babyh I am so so pleased that A's headstone is what you both wanted... It's such an important thing. So glad it's finally in place. Will you post some pics, when you've taken some? Would love to see.
So sorry to hear your sleep still hasn't sorted itself out; wish I could do or think of something to help, but it's just all part of this enormous burden of grief, isn't it? Hope that you have a good weekend... not long now till you're off to the States <jealous, I only went to freezing cold Kent wink>

green thinking of you and your mum - I hope she's being beautifully looked after and that her injury is a lot less serious than you all feared.

snowdrop thinking of you on your birthday

Love to all and wishing you a peaceful weekend x

greengoose Sat 16-Mar-13 08:53:11

Very quick check in to send love to FAN, I hope things have settled again for you, it's a horrible horrible worry.

Thanks for well wishes re Mum, she has had X-ray, and 'just' compression injury on her spine, not break, although its very weak so might still... She was due to fly home on Monday, hospital says she can if she feels well enough, but I'm a bit concerned that might take quite some time. (I'm being very selfish). Not sure there's much I can do about it though, so just have to wait... Bit stressed!

Will catch up properly tonight. Love to all. X

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Sat 16-Mar-13 09:21:40

Checking in to send love to Fan and I hope the spotting stopped. Wtw's suggestion of scans sounds good - are you getting any early scans? With M I got one at 7+5 and one at about 10 weeks, then the 12 week scan.

Green, glad your mum hasn't broken anything, but what does a 'compression' injury mean? Where does she live that she has to fly to?

Babyh, so pleased you got the headstone as you wanted it. It's a strange concept, isn't it, that you can be pleased by a headstone. confused You know what I mean, though! Hugs to you and yours

How you doing this morning lovely fan? Just had a look its £60 for a dating/viability scan at FirstView in Cams and they are open today xxxx

Green glad your mum is 'okay' but I know you don't have an easy relationship and its a stress you could do without

babyh glad A's stone is as you wanted it to be. We were relieved when Erin's was finally in so I do understand xx

Love to everyone xx

Thank you everyone, it really means a lot. Its only the slightest pink spotting now, I have no pain. DH has gone to work and I'm under stricked instructions to stay on the sofa watching movies all day.
I think we shall wait it out till monday, if I'm still spotting I shall go to GP's and get referred to EPU, but as I have no pain then I think I shall wait it out.
Thanks wtw for the cams info I shall keep it in mind.

LittleStar0909 Sat 16-Mar-13 10:28:23

Morning ladies,

Fan how are you today? I was thinking of you all night and really hope the spotting has stopped.

Snowdrop well done for surviving yesterday, 3mths is no time at all, yet also feels like a lifetime. Wishing you a very gentle day today and I hope that you don't get too many insensitive comments. It was my birthday just 9 days after F was born and the amount of people that wished me a "wonderful" day and hoped I had "fun" and what was I doing to "celebrate" was astonishing. Just get through the day as best you can, and if you do manage to enjoy some aspects of the day then that will be even better. Lots of birthday hugs from us here xx

Mia sorry to hear that the birth of your niece made you feel sad. It is totally understandable, your little girl should be here with you and it is so unfair that she isn't.

Green I'm glad your mums injury isn't as bad as it could have been. I Must also confess ignorance as to what spinal compression means. I hope she takes it easy and doesn't fly too soon.

Babyh I'm so glad that the headstone is exactly what you wanted, it is so important to get it right isn't it? Its a shame it was raining yesterday but i hope the sun comes out soon (it is chucking it down where i am today). I haven't done anything about choosing a stone for F's "spot" as we like to call it yet. I feel totally unable to make a decision because I so want to be right. DH thinks he knows what he wants and I will probably get there too, but I am much more of a thinker and have to think through every possible option before we make a decision, especially where doing things for F is concerned, getting it right seems like the most important thing I have to do right now.

Kleine sending lots of love to you, hope your weekend is peaceful.

I had a pretty crappy week last week, not entirely sure why, but yesterday I seemed to turn a little bit of a corner, so hopefully the next few days will be a bit brighter for me. Like you Babyh I don't sleep well and the last couple of nights have been particularly bad for me, it tends to come in waves. I'm in the middle of the 2ww but have been having AF type pains for the last couple of days, last month AF was a week early. I just hope that if this isn't our BFP month (which it doesn't feel like it will be) then AF comes on time. I'll never get pg if my cycle is all over the place.....MUST.STOP.THINKING.ABOUT.IT.

A big thank you to everyone for telling me your stories about your wonderful children. It is so sad that we all find ourselves here, but the support and friendship radiating off the computer screen is amazing.

Wishing everyone an easy/gentle/good weekend xxxxxx

Ellypoo Sat 16-Mar-13 17:26:00

Hi all, sorry again to have been awol - am just trying to focus on getting through each day at the moment, so am staying away a bit.

Just wanted to share though, Nancy's headstone has finally gone up - loads later than I had hoped, but we are really pleased with it. Feels like she has finally being honoured properly now.

Will read back now and catch up properly xxx

Ellypoo Sat 16-Mar-13 17:50:40

A very sad welcome littlestar, my DD1 died when she was 2 days old on NYE 2011. I went in with reduced movements at 37 + 4 and they delivered her by EMCS but she was too poorly to survive. They found blood clots in the placenta which they say probably caused the oxygen starvation. I am now 32 + 4 with my rainbow, and utterly terrified. Booked in for an ELCS in 3 1/2 weeks, so we are counting down the days.

baby, I'm so pleased that you have the headstone in place now too - it felt very important to us too that it was 'right' - I suppose it's the final thing we can do for our babies.

fan, I so hope that the spotting has stopped now, and that you aren't having any pain. I had spotting this time too, and EPAU arranged an early scan for me to check, maybe worth a call to set your mind at rest on Monday? I do hope that you are able to take things easy this wknd. Thinking of you and sending very sticky vibes xxx

Thank you for your thoughts, it is so difficult, but hopefully 3 weeks on Wed I will have my baby safely in my arms - your support is so welcome and needed thanks to you all xx

Wow congratulations razz and cheese, such lovely news to come back to!!

kleine, thinking of you as you start your IVF journey - my friend is also on the down regs at the moment, and has said that they are making her feel so so tired too. Fx that it all works very quickly for you xxx

[waves] to everyone else that I haven't namechecked, am thinking of you all xxx

blizy Sun 17-Mar-13 10:23:39

Welcome littlestar, I'm so sorry to hear about your precious little Finn. My Zoe was stillborn at 41 weeks on Feb 2011, I have been ttc since May 20011 with no luck so far.

Kleine, I have everything crossed for you that the IVF works, my sisters sil has just fin her 3rd round and is pg with triplets!

Elly, you are on the final stretch of the marathon, we are here to hold your hand. I,saw Nancy's stone on FB, it is perfect.x

Fan, my lovely, how are you? I have been thinking about you non stop this weekend.

Huge, wow to cheese and razz!

Nothing much to report from me, I'm on my magic time, please, please, please let this be my month.

blizy I'm wishing so hard that you will be getting that BFP soon. Everythings crossed for you.
I'm ok the spotting has stopped and the nausea has racked up a gear.

shakeyjake Sun 17-Mar-13 13:09:17

Hi ladies, its been 2 years today I gave birth to my angel Grace and not one person not even mydh or mum has even mentioned her our even indicated that they even remember what day it is.

blizy Sun 17-Mar-13 13:22:25

Oh shakey, that is shit. I'm so sorry. 2 years is far too long to be without your little G. Happy birthday little one. I hope you are ok. X

Happy birthday little Grace x

greengoose Sun 17-Mar-13 18:28:56

SHAKEY... You should bang their bloody heads together, that is truly crap of them. Today I will think about Grace, and you, and her birthday. Two years is nothing, nothing at all. Xxxx

BLIZY... I've been thinking about you lots lately, I hope this is your month so much. There is nothing I can say, but it's not fair or right, and you deserve it so completely.

Fan... I am glad things have settled down again. Would you rather not have early scans? Here, to my surprise, this time when I bled a little they offered me one every two weeks until 12 weeks, which helped me, although I realise this would drive some round the bend!

KLEINE, my lovely friend, just great big hugs. X

ELLY, you are almost there, of course you are in a panic, how could you not? But the time will pass anyway, and soon it'll be worth it...Try and go easy on yourself meanwhile.... Xxx

We have just moved mums flight to next WE. She's a bit better today.

I have the first 'big' scan tomorrow, with my consultant to have a first attempt at spotting any tumour in this baby. It should show up between now and twenty weeks. I don't know what we'd do. Trying not to think about it, but thinking about little else. I have spent the last two hours in bed just to get some brain space. The 'normal' pregnant population actually look forward to scans! I hope this baby is ok. We will probably also find out gender.

shakey love to you on Graces bday, I shallb light a candle for her. I was thinking of you this week, with all our angels reaching their two year birthdays, made me think of how we all met on the beheavement thread and started this group.

green I think I'm just scared, if I get the letter through from my midwife this week I may ring her and see what she says about an early scan. I havnt seen a GP yet as they never seam to help me, except that one who sent me for scans last year. Good luck for tomorrow, I shall be their with you in spirit if that helps.

LittleStar0909 Sun 17-Mar-13 19:16:28

Elly thank you for the welcome and I wish you the best of luck for getting through the next 3.5 weeks, I can only imagine how scary it is. Hope your doctors and midwives are being understanding.

Shakey thinking of you, that is pretty crap that they haven't mentioned Grace today, I am thinking of you and little Grace.

Blizy I really hope this is your month too, the waiting game and ttc is so stressful (and im sure gets more so the longer it takes) and it feels like the whole world finds it so easy and and just breeze through their pregnancies. Keeping everything crossed for you this month.

Fan I'm glad the spotting has stopped, keeping everything crossed it stays that way, you could do without the added stress I'm sure.

Green so hoping that the scan goes well tomorrow ill be thinking of you.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Sun 17-Mar-13 20:33:06

Shakey, that is truly crap. Happy Birthday, little Grace! Hope today is gentle on your mummy.

Green, thinking of you for tomorrow - hope all goes well.

Fan, glad you feel sick! grin

Blizy, hoping this is your month more than I can say.

Morning. I was called on Thursday evening by the consultant on call as she looked at my bloods being high and the scan didn't show much so she was worried about ectopic still. I had to go in first thing Friday morning, terrified as I was told not to eat or drink in case I needed treatment...Thankfully it showed a sac in the right place with a yolk, but only the one. She said it could still be two because of my high numbers and I thought I saw another sac myself but there was only one yolk so we'll have to see.

I am pleased that all was well and I'm back in just over a week for another one. I've been worrying all weekend though and stressing over every twinge. Need to calm down!

shakey happy birthday Grace for yesterday, 2 years, we just had Scarlett's 2 year birthday in December and it was difficult. Hugs

Fan hope things are ok, how are you now?

cheese oh how scary for you, but glad all seams well.

green thinking of you hope it all goes well.

I had some more spotting last night, so I've taken the day off work and have a doctors appointment at 3.30pm, I'm hoping they will send me to the EPU, well that's what I'm going to ask.

KleinePoppet Mon 18-Mar-13 10:37:45

Morning all.
shakey I am so so sorry that your precious Grace wasn't remembered yesterday as she should have been. That's a very painful thing to have to go through. She was remembered here on this thread though - and, as I am reading this today, she is still being remembered today, too - and every day. I hope you were able to put aside the anger for at least a little while (not sure I would have been able to - but I hope you're better at this than me) to think of your little girl with smiles and tears. xxxx

green and fan with your different but equally important appointments today - I'm thinking of you both. Update us if you have a chance. Lots of love xxx

blizy my love.... wishing and hoping and praying with you...

cheese also glad that all is well - you've obviously had really quite a scary few days - hope that, whether one or two little embies, all goes smoothly this week and the next scan is a very reassuring one.

littlestar I don't know about you, but the 'must stop thinking about it' tactic fails utterly whenever I try it - so I've given up trying! Hoping that you have a much better week xxx

elly lovely to see you on here smile but understand the need to focus on yourself and little one at the moment. Nancy's headstone is perfect. I'm so glad you have it up now, before her sibling arrives xx

<waves> at too and blue and everyone else. I'm still thinking of little and angel a lot.
All still ok here. No longer quite so tired and otherwise no side-effects at the moment, which is great. I have a less frenetic week ahead of me than I did last week, so I might even get some work done shock!

Babyh200 Mon 18-Mar-13 14:50:30

Good afternoon ladies

Crawls on and takes a mega deep breath because i have a little secret.

Today I am pregnant smile

Sorry to cut and run (gotta go on the school run)

I hope its ok to say and my news doesn't hurt anyone.....especially when theres so many of us still waiting for rainbows.

love to all

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Mon 18-Mar-13 15:47:54

Babyh, that's brilliant! Congratulations! Oh hoorah!

Cheese, how scary - hope all is okay. When is your next scan?

Green, how did today go?

greengoose Mon 18-Mar-13 15:52:15

BABYH... Congratulations! I'm really thrilled for you! Xxxxx

Well, I've been for scan. It lasted for ages while the consultant checked for everything, very very tense time, but so far all ok. She is fairly certain it's a little boy. I don't know how I feel. Lucky, obviously. Relieved. But also something very complicated about having to get rid of Merryns clothes, and think of a boys name, and not have another daughter.
I know these are selfish thoughts, and I know how lucky I am, but the bit of grief that was linked to 'loosing the hope of mothering a girl' rather than 'mothering Merryn' now has to be worked through, and worked through well enough that it isn't going to impact on this little boy inside me. This isn't as big a deal as it could be, I am mainly thrilled that, for now, things are going well, and the rest won't matter in time, it's just brought up some things and refreshed some grief. In a few weeks I'll be ok with it. I won't say any of this in RL, so it will just be here. I'm really sorry if this has upset anyone, I really hope it hasn't.

babyh congrats, wow this thread is on a roll at the moment.

green we totally understand. I'm glad all is well.

I have a scan booked for tomorrow at 1.30. Fingers crossed all is well.

greengoose Mon 18-Mar-13 17:50:44

Fan... I will be thinking about you tomorrow, I'm glad the doc got you a scan quickly. Hopefully it will show everything is going well. I know how scary it is...

KLEINE... I'm glad your feeling a bit better. What is the next part of the cycle for you, if you don't mind me asking?

CHEESE... I hope you find out for sure what's what soon. The waiting can't be easy for you.

Babyh200 Mon 18-Mar-13 18:03:24

Hello again

Got a few more minutes before I pick the kids up from their activities so a bit of time to tell you more about whats been happening.

So exactly 8 months to the day our beautiful boy died I realised I was pregnant. I had low back pain and period type cramps like Af was coming on the Saturday before but after a couple of hours they completely disappeared.

Ironically because I was so upset the month before we decided to lay off TTC. We were both full of flu and only DTD twice. Also with loads of family illnesses etc going on I didn't have time to dwell as much.

I thought I would be over the moon but we are going to Florida and I was worried about early scans etc which the consultant had said she would do if we did conceive. (Ive been a bag of nerves for the last 2 weeks TBH)

An amazing midwife who came to see me after 'A' died promised she would look after me and to ring her (not my GP) if I was lucky enough to get pregnant again.

Anyway, I rang the mobile number she gave me and had a lump in my throat because she had saved my mobile number to her phone and answered by saying is that you 'M'? We had a long talk and she said she had often thought of me (cries because it was such a nice thing to say)

So I have been seen today....I am six weeks so if...... and its a big big if (Im terrified) the pregnancy goes well I think I will BE DUE AROUND THE SAME TIME as FAN. Not really much to see at the mo, She could see the sack and the yolk inside and she said my womb is thickening up nicely.

Sadly, while we were there they were all running about in a panic because a mum to be had just received the same devastating news we all have had sad god my heart was pounding so hard I thought my chest was going to burst ............

more to follow .......................

Babyh200 Mon 18-Mar-13 18:18:57

Fan: I will be thinking of you tommorrow xxx

Green: I totally get it and understand xxx I know everything might seem so final now.......but would this definately be your last baby? About Merryns things, I still have everything upstairs in the nursery......I just couldn't bring myself to get rid of it. I didn't know we were having a boy so I have a wardrobe with 2 rails half pink and half blue! I originally was hoping to use the pink half as I once told you all....................now I want to use the blue one day!!!!! God life is just so complicated isnt it. Sending you massive hugs and glad everything is okay with the gosling xxxxxxxxxx

Cheese: Hope everything is okay you must be really scared, thinking of you xxxx

Elly: Love Nancys stone......the inscription is perfect. I will try and upload pics too soon...........not long to go now love xxxxxxxxxxxx

Late to get the kids and DH is in work so gotta go again!! x

KleinePoppet Mon 18-Mar-13 18:45:55

Very quick message but I have to say babyh I'm so DELIGHTED for you my love!!!!! Congratulations! I know it's all so complicated now, and so full of worries, but I am so thrilled for you grin yay! You will manage, being in the US on hol, you will be fine... strong lady that you are.

Also green I am so so glad that so far all seems to be well with the little one, but I completely understand your concerns/fears/disappointments about the baby being a boy. It's not at all selfish. I think I would feel exactly the same. It's ok to find it hard xx

fan thinking of you for tomorrow xxxxxx

Babyh200 Tue 19-Mar-13 07:30:04

Morning ladies smile

Kliene: Thank you for your kind words.........I'm praying you will get good news too soon.......glad you feel less tired too xxxxxx PS I wish I wasn't going away now.....I know thats a little bit selfish on the kids but I just want to protect this little bean and avoid any unnecessary risks!!!!

Too: Thank you too smile Are you still feeling broody?

Littlestar: How are you? I hope your managing to get some sleep. Once I wake up, I just cant get back to sleep no matter how hard I try! I was thinking of you and some of the other ladies on here and hope my news hasn't made you feel worse. Its so incredibly difficult not to feel the pressure. We were desperately TTC approaching Christmas and my cycle was all over the place just like yours. I know it sounds pathetic but I was feeling like I couldn't carry on trying because it was making me so unhappy. I really hope you are feeling a bit brighter this week and AF stays away xxxxxxx

Blizy: Your also never far from my thoughts. As Fan said yesterday, I hope the thread is on a roll xxxxx

Babyh200 Tue 19-Mar-13 07:47:43

Fan: Good luck with the scan. I know how scared you must be, my heart was pounding so hard. I almost lost it when I saw the scanning machine xxxx

Shakey: Thinking of your darling grace.....2 long years since you held your little girl I hope your managing to get through the week ok xxx

Green: How are you feeling today? We are hear to listen if you want to talk some more after your scan yesterday? Lots of love to you xxxx

Angel: I know its been tough for you since the start of the year. If your reading......I hope you are as well as you can be. Big hugs I am thinking of you xxxx

Little: I am here for you too. How are you doing?

Whatever: Hope you had a wonderful time on Saturday! xxxx

Babyh200 Tue 19-Mar-13 07:55:42

OK, I'm late for the school run again. So busy this week......I need to get packing and think of something other than being pregnant.....Its not in a good way either.......I keep thinking something bads going to happen and I'm just waiting for any glimmer of hope for the future to be snatched away again. I know I shouldn't be so negative and I am trying to adopt ANGELS mantra but its easier said than done!

Bye for now xxx

snowdrop2012 Tue 19-Mar-13 07:59:49

So thrilled for you Babyh!! I know it is early days and you are worried about being away, but I send you all the luck and hope in the world. I know it is a worry but Florida might help a couple of weeks of the pregnancy to go by quickly, as we know it will be a challenging 8 months ahead for you.

Green You are not selfish, but a wonderful mother. It is completely understandable how you feel and completely natural. There will be many women out there who haven't even been what you've been through who would be a little disappointed when a third child is the same sex. Doesn't mean they or you will love the precious little one any less. It is natural that this will bring some grief of its own. I worry incessantly about only having boys in the future and missing the opportunity of mothering a girl, and it isn't even happening to me yet. Be kind to yourself this next few months. xxx

Bilzy hope hope hope hope this is your month my dear.

Shakey Happy Birthday to beautiful Grace for Sunday.

Littlestar Hope you are having a better week and that this is your month too. Thanks for your wishes around my birthday - I luckily escaped any inappropriate comments. You poor thing having to cope with that so soon afterwards. Although the 'merry christmases' I got 10 days after Isla, was hard to take, as was the New Year message wishing me the 'best year ever' - unlikely to be a good year when it starts with your baby's funeral, but I guess some people don't think when they hit 'send all'! Still, so far I think I have had it easy in regards to others being sensitive.

Thinking of you today Fan - everything crossed. xxxx

Looks like I picked a good week to be away last week - I am not enjoying being back in this weather!

Wave and love to everyone else XXxx

blizy Tue 19-Mar-13 08:02:03

Babyh,wow huge congratulations! I'm sure you will enjoy florida, when are you going?

Fan, I'm thinking of you today. X

mumalah Tue 19-Mar-13 08:48:03

Hi everyone, I haven't posted for ages.But I have been lurking. I wondered if anyone has had problems with choosing a headstone? Apparently there are strict guidelines in a churchyard. The vicar refused my first suggestion. I don't know where to start? I feel awful posting this, but knew you Ladies would be the ones who would know.

Thanks everyone.

mumulah does the churchyard have a regular stone mason? If it does they will help you to pick a stone right for you and right for the churchyard. Ask the vicar if they have one that thay geneally work with or has done a few for them. Sorry your going through this.

LittleStar0909 Tue 19-Mar-13 09:50:49

Hi everyone,

Babyh that is really wonderful news. Congratulations. Thank you for thinking of me and that your news might make me feel sad, but I am pleased to say that it hasn't! It makes me feel like I'm not a very nice person but I am unable to be really happy for anyone who is pregnant and hasn't been through what we have. I obviously wouldn't wish this on anyone but it s a bit of a "why did this have to happen to me and not anyone else" kind of moment and resenting them for having what will probably be a smooth and easy pregnancy. Like I said, doesn't paint me in a particularly good light but I am hoping it will get easier with time. I don't feel like that at all with Rainbow baby pregnancies though, it actually gives me hope and I am so genuinely pleased for you. Keeping everything crossed that the next 8 months or so are easy on you. I also TOTALLY understand about not wanting to go away, on the plus side though it is USA so you can speak the language, the food should be hassle free and healthcare is good should you need anything, it is probably one of the better places to go if you are going away!

Green I'm so glad everything looked ok yesterday. I understand why you feel the way you do about this one being a little boy. I have been having conversations with DH about how I might feel if we have a boy or a girl Rainbow and it would probably be difficult either way. it is ok to feel the way you do and I think it is normal. Like you say, just one more thing to work through.

Fan wishing you all the best for your scan today, I'm thinking of you.

Cheese thinking of you too, it must be so hard not knowing and I can imagine it is difficult to know what to feel as well. I hope this week is uneventful for you and you get some answers at your next scan.

Blizy I've been thinking of you lots xxx

Shakey I hope Sunday was ok, I've still been thinking of your angel Grace.

Ellypoo Tue 19-Mar-13 11:47:58

fan thinking of you for your scan this afternoon. I hope the spotting has stopped and that it will be a very positive outcome.

green, it must have been very scary for you at your scan yesterday, great news that the consultant didn't see anything though, do you have another one before 20 weeks? I totally understand about the gender thing - it was one of the reasons I was tempted to find out what we are having, but DH really doesn't understand my feelings about it - I am building myself up for it to be a boy, just in case! That sounds awful, but I know you know exactly what I mean. It doesn't mean that you will love this little boy any less, just that you have other feelings to work through as well. Ultimately, all we really want are healthy babies in our arms, the rest is just a side issue, but an issue that we have to work through nontheless.

cheese, well that's very good news that the sac and yolk is in the right place so not ectopic, and I hope the other one was just hiding or is developing a little slower.

babyh congratulations! That is such lovely news, great that you have had a scan and that all is as it should be too. I hope your holiday will be a nice distraction, to help take your mind off the worry etc xxx

mumalah I am sorry that you are having to deal with this as well, it really doesn't seem fair. Our cemetary is owned/run by the council although it is behind the church, so there weren't any guidelines that we were aware of. Can you ask the vicar what is allowed? Is it up to his discretion or is it set down in a covenant or something? fan's idea is a great suggestion, it makes sense to speak to a stonemason that is familiar with the cemetary. The headstones that are there are likely to have their name stamped on them at the side or on the back.

blizy, thinking of you this month xxx

kleine, I'm so pleased that you are less tired now xxx

shakey happy birthday to your beautiful G for Sunday xx I'm so sorry that your Mum & DH didn't mention her xxx

Thinking of you all, sorry I haven't mentioned everyone xxx

greengoose Tue 19-Mar-13 12:17:18

I'm popping out, but FAN you are in my thoughts today, I have everything tightly crossed for you and your little bean. X

I'm still ok here, felt very sick this morning and thought I was going to actually be sick a few times but managed to hold it off. Unlike me though as I'm never sick. My next scan is next Wednesday and I'm already stressing over it and googling everything...

Fan thinking of you today, hoping your scan goes well

babyh that's great news! Congratulations! Your midwife sounds lovely, I'm so glad you got to speak to her and that she was so nice. Awful news about that poor lady. When I had to be induced with Scarlett another couple came in with a stillbirth just as we were preparing to leave, I felt so sorry for that poor woman having to go through what I just had and then leave without her baby too.

green I don't think you're being selfish at all. It must be really difficult to get used to having a boy after Merryn.

mumalah we've just started looking again for Scarlett's headstone, we know roughly what we want but I know the restrictions are less as it's a cemetary and not a churchyard. We went to look this morning actually but as we pulled in to the stone mason I just couldn't do it. More looking online I think and I'll probably end up emailing instead unless I can bring myself to go in. It's been 2 years for us now and it feels right to do it.

littlestar thanks for thinking of me. I feel the way you do about other pregnant women, I really hate the way some people just assume that everything is going to be ok just because they reach the "magical" 12 weeks. It makes me want to scream at them to stop thinking that they will have a baby at the end of it as there are no guarantees but I keep it insise. I know I have a very difficult view of pregnancy and birth now though and I always will.

Elly I'd convinced myself that it was going to be ectopic at the scan, so was very thankful and relieved when it was in the right place. Hope you're getting on ok

Well everything is fine, got the see a little flicker of a heartbeat, I'm measuring 6w 4days, so closer to seven weeks than eight which could have been because of the flu, we shall see at the 12 week scan I guess.

Ellypoo Tue 19-Mar-13 15:01:31

Oh that is such good news fan! What a relief to see the heartbeat!! I'm so so pleased for you xxx

Have you got a date for 12 week scan / booking in appt?

LittleStar0909 Tue 19-Mar-13 15:07:20

Fan that's great. I'm so pleased you saw the heartbeat, it must have been a relief xxx

elly I have a booking in appointment on the 2nd april. So two weeks away so should be booked for a 12 week then.

blizy Tue 19-Mar-13 16:02:50

Oh fan, that's fab news! I've been thinking about you all day, really am so pleased for you. X

greengoose Tue 19-Mar-13 16:22:18

FAN.. That's lovely news! I don't know about you, but I've found after scans I'm just knackered, I think it's the build up and the stress, then being able to let it go just a little..... We now have a routine where I have a bath and we watch a film later with comfort food on tap, seems to help!

Well... The boy news is sinking in. We told our other two this afternoon, and they were really pleased, especially our five yr old, he's delighted its a boy! (although he then insisted on banging a very big, loud drum next to my belly, so he may be a touch ambivalent)!

green I don't feel exhausted but we are having fish and chips in a moment. I feel a bit let down that I've been put back by a week and a bit, its made the pregnancy seam longer. Also made it feel less safe. But I am glad I saw a really strong heartbeat.
My DH is one of five boys and he says it was great having lots of brothers, they all go out together now.

KleinePoppet Tue 19-Mar-13 17:56:14

fan hurrah for a heartbeat! So so pleased xx

Ellypoo Tue 19-Mar-13 17:56:22

I totally get what you mean about the date though, hopefully they'll change the date again at your 12 wk scan. It's such a positive sign that you saw the heartbeat though xx
Enjoy your fish & chips xxx

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Tue 19-Mar-13 19:26:34

Fan, congratulations! Don't worry too much about the dates - with M, I was put back a week and a bit at the first scans (the 6+5 and the 10 week ones) both agreed. I was given a new 12 week scan date, too. When I got to the 12 week scan, lo and behold they put me forward to 13+5! So it evened out. I hope the same happens to you.

Squeeee babyh so incredibly pleased for you - holding your hand very tightly xxxx

Fan huge grin on my face reading your update. So much love to you and baby bean. I was also put back a week with Holly at my early scan and same as Too at my 12 week scan I was 13 weeks again. Because its so small it's hard to be accurate with dating. Hope you enjoyed your fish and chips!

Shakey so sorry no-one remembered Grace with you - that's so sad. Lots of love to you xx

Green totally understand the confusing feelings about gender - that's why we opted to find out with H so we weren't flooded with those feelings at the birth xx

Sorry not to name check all. Very busy with work and stuff but I'm thinking of you all lots xx


* Fan* so pleased for you. I should find out dates more next week and at 12 week properly but it sounds as though we're about the same stage

Razzdazz Wed 20-Mar-13 19:29:24

Hello lovely ladies

fan I am so thrilled that all was ok and you got to see the hb. I have religiously added you to my prayers every night and will continue to do so.
Massive congratulations to babyh, wonderful news.
green be kind to yourself, your thoughts and feelings are totally natural.
Glad your news was positive cheese.

Waves to everybody else grin

I am 11 weeks now and so very sick. Had a nasty urine infection that required antibiotics which has made me whittle. Booking in with the midwife tomorrow, a little late but my own fault as denial was the emotion for quite some time!!

Babyh200 Wed 20-Mar-13 22:30:48

Evening Ladies

Big congrats FAN. I did read the thread to see how you got on but didnt have chance to post........hooray for the heartbeat x

Had some bad news about my grandad yesterday. They have confirmed he has advanced bladder cancer. Everything just seems to happen at once..........me and DH had a long conversation about going away etc last night but my mum said it could still be a while.........feel awful that I wont be around especially because she has spent the last eight months helping me with my grief.

I need to get a grip.....BLIZY we are going Tuesday and I haven't packed a single thing yet.....I really must get focused. Everything seems so magnified at the moment I don't know whether its my hormones!!

Thank you for all your support about my news.....your all such a wonderful support.

I am praying so hard for BFPs for those still waiting xxxxx

Sorry not to name check but I am thinking of you all x

RainboxFX Sat 23-Mar-13 09:19:53

Hello all,

I have been away so long, no way I can name check properly! I am thinking about all of us. SO pleased to see all the BFPs. And all the good news from scans. Wanted to say as well, I can really understand any sad twinges about the sex of babies. If we had found out Noodles was a girl, I would have had some difficult feelings to deal with. Since he is a boy, I feel relief, and guilt at feeling relief. Being pregnant is so full of odd feelings and stress, even without having had a child die.

Also wanted to say hello to people I hadn't met yet. I think there are some newbies, and some graduates to whom I am a newbie! My first son was born premature last year and died aged 12 days. I am now 20 weeks pregnant with a little brother for him.

Our 20 week scan was yesterday, and all looks well. We couldn't get a good view of his face and heart, so we are back in next Friday for a quick look. Also got my appointment through for the pre-natal mental health team so I can discuss my birth phobia.

Thinking about us all, hope no one is snowed in anywhere!

x x x

greengoose Sat 23-Mar-13 09:36:55

Hi Rainbox, good to hear from you, and that all is going well!

My mum is (finally) going home today. I didn't think she would, but it appears she is equally keen to have a bit of space!
My five yr old had a fall off the vaulting horse at gym last night, I was watching from the gallery, and when he lifted his head he was covered in blood, all down his arms and top and all over his face. I didn't know I could move so fast. He's fine, just a badly burst lip, but he was very shaken by all the blood. He's still so fragile about any health type things, but then so are we all. He was fine within the hour. (half a box of ice cream later) I hate when anything happens to them, I'm so helpless to stop it....

RainboxFX Sat 23-Mar-13 16:58:38

Oh green that sounds terrifying. Head wounds bleed so much sad I'm glad he is fine though, ice cream heals a lot. Also glad your mother has left! Sorry if that sounds mean, I know you find her a bit difficult x x

Ellypoo Tue 26-Mar-13 11:34:39

How is everyone doing? Been so quiet on here recently, I hope things are ok with you all xxx

kleine, I hope that things are going ok and that the drugs aren't making you feel too bad xx

fan thinking of you and hoping that everything is going ok xxx

Thinking of all of you xxx

hello all, been reading, then have been absent after this thread fell off my active list... but I have so many good wishes to send out, please accept a flow of love to you all, as we worry about our growing babies and sick families, as we hope for those magical BFPs, and as we hold hands to give each other courage.

I had a follow up scan today which went well, only 1 baby but we saw the heartbeat which was reassuring, so thankful. 6+3 so puts me at nov 16th.

I know anything can happen all the way through so I'll never be complacent but for now all is well and I am happy with that.

Hope everyone else is ok. I'm exhausted. Looking at getting Ella christened by May, about time. Lots to do and I'm wondering how I will cope with 5 and a sick dh. I'm so nervous about doing this again so soon.

blizy Wed 27-Mar-13 07:22:01

Just a quick check in, I hope everyone is well. Sorry no time to name check, but I have read back.

Cheese, yay for a heart beat!

KleinePoppet Wed 27-Mar-13 10:51:07

Hi all. It has been quiet on here... I hope everyone is doing well.
Thank you elly - and others! - for thinking of me. I am doing ok at the moment. Apart from the odd bit of completely overwhelming tiredness, and a slightly 'heavy' tummy where the follicles are growing, I'm very grateful to be free of side effects so far. I was so concerned about the hormones affecting my mood (when I'm already pretty much on the edge!) but they haven't, which is great. I shall update you all if we manage to get as far as egg collection...
Also, elly, not long now for you - neeeearly there. Are you managing to enjoy the beginnings of your maternity leave a little bit, or is just all too stressful to be able to use the word 'enjoy'? Lots of love to you xxx

Hi blizy how are you doing my dear?

rainbox so glad all was good with the twenty-week scan.

green how's J - I hope he's all healed up now? How frightening for you. I'm glad he recovered quickly from the shock of it.
Glad your mum was well enough to travel home; it must have been a difficult week for you all. Hope you're having a slightly more restful time now xx

fan how're you doing?

Sending tons of love back to you, too, mias smile

cheese so glad you saw a heartbeat. And gosh, of course you're worried about managing with five little ones plus DH needing help too - there must be such a lot for you to do. Do you have much support from friends/family?

babyh thinking of you - you must be in the States by now - I hope so much that you are able to relax a LITTLE bit and enjoy the time with your family plus your secret extra passenger smile
I'm so sorry about your grandad xxx

I'm not sure who I've missed - my apologies - I am off out now for another scan. Love to you all xxxxxxx

greengoose Wed 27-Mar-13 15:26:27

KLEINE, good luck with them finding what they hope for on the scan. It must be nerve wracking for you and DH. I'm glad it's not making you feel too rough.

Cheese, it's great you could see a heartbeat, are you and FAN about the same weeks then?

Sorry not to namecheck. Will read back properly soon.

Just been to the maternity day unit as MW recommended I get checked as couldn't feel baby move. Very tense day! All ok though, HB good and strong, and thankfully easy to find this time! I wish I could fast forward to him being here and safe... I don't think I believed it would be ok today.

It's Merryns birthday in just over two weeks. It can't be a year ago....

9 weeks yesterday by my dates 8 weeks tomorrow by the early scan dates. I'm seeing the midwife on tuesday for the booking in appointment.
Had to lie at work yesterday, someone came up to me and said that she was going to ask me something and I had to tell her the truth, she said your pregnant aren't you, I can tell. Then she said I was glowing. I told her no and that I'd rather not talk about it. She did apologise later. God some people wish they would just leave me alone.

cheese so glad all is well. And I'm sure you will be fine with five. My DH is one of five and they all pretty much look after each other.

green how scary for you, I hope it all settles soon and baby starts to kick more regularly for you.

poppet good luck honey, I hope those ovaries produce a good crop.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Thu 28-Mar-13 13:02:57

Fan, so pleased everything is going along well. I am shock at your colleague - some people are so nosy! Imagine demanding to be told the truth. I'm glad you said no. The bumptiousness!

Cheese, you are superwoman as it is! So happy that you saw the little hb.

blizy Thu 28-Mar-13 13:37:09

My period is just starting, I have started spotting. I'm just so fucking fed up of it now, it has been 2years now of ttc. Thank god this is a holiday weekend, I am going to drink wine and eat lots of chocolate, as soon as I finish work today.

LittleStar0909 Thu 28-Mar-13 15:32:03

Hi everyone,

Blizy I'm so sorry about your period, it is totally crap, no other words for it. I think wine and choc is a good idea.

Fan some people are totally tactless, I think you did the right thing by saying "no" though.

Green sounds like you've had a rough time recently, I hope the little one starts to wriggle around a bit more soon, the movements must help to reassure you a bit. Big hugs to you coming up to Merryn's birthday.

Cheese great news for the heartbeat.

Babyh very sorry about your grandad. I hope you are managing to relax on your hols.

Elly thinking of you, hope the next couple of weeks pass quickly.

Rinbox Hi! Very sorry to hear about your son and also congratulations on your pregnancy, I'm glad everything was ok at your scan and fingers crossed he is in position to give you a good view of his face and heart next time.

Hello to everyone else I haven't mentioned, hope you are all doing ok xxxxx

Jules829 Thu 28-Mar-13 15:40:43

Hi there - new here and wondering if I can join?
My son was born sleeping last Nov and I've just miscarried my rainbow - ERPC two and a half weeks ago :-(
Now about to start TTC again..... Feeling very out of sorts! Just wish I could speed time along....
Hope everyone here is doing ok x

KleinePoppet Thu 28-Mar-13 17:12:28

Oh blizy sad sad sweetie I just want to shout and scream on your behalf. I'm so sorry. I wish I understood why you are having to go through this... but I have no idea. Huge, huge hugs xxxx

green what a difficult day. So glad all ok with the LO. Have you got a relaxing Easter coming up <faintly hoping that you might just get to chill with DP and the boys with no further issues to deal with> But I know that things will feel really hard, with Merryn's birthday coming up so soon. What date is it? Hugs for you too xxx

fan what are your colleagues like?! Grrr. Well done, and glad you're doing ok.
and too I LOVE your perfect use of the word 'bumptiousness' smile

littlestar <waves> hello my love!

jules I'm so sorry you find yourself here - you are more than welcome, although we will all wish you didn't have to be here - and to hear about your precious little boy. Feel very free to tell us more about yourself and your son, if you'd like to.
I'm so sorry to hear about your recent m/c as well. I do know how you feel... I lost my daughter at the age of two days last June (and had to go in for an ERPC a month later, due to retained placenta), then had an early m/c at the end of Nov/beginning of Dec. It's crap, isn't it? Am now going through IVF, as it's pretty hard for us to conceive naturally and we don't want to risk missing our chance, but that brings its own challenges of course! I hope you fall pg again soon xx

Jules829 Sat 30-Mar-13 08:39:31

Hi Kleinepoppet - thanks for your reply!
Hope everyone is doing ok?
My son, Ben was born at term plus 12 days and was IUGR. He died during labour. He was far too precious and perfect; conceived after two years of fertility treatment.
Our second was conceived naturally first cycle after Ben but it sadly wasn't to be.... ERPC at 10 weeks as ovum blighted.
Really need to hear success stories and would love to hear about others stories here too....!
Hugs x

greengoose Sat 30-Mar-13 09:43:48

Hi Jules. I'm sorry that Ben isn't still with you, where he should be, he sounds like a gorgeous little boy. His name is lovely, we had it on our list every time. There are lots of success stories here, but the thing I think that has helped me the most is the sheer determination, bravery, and strength that the ladies on this thread show day in day out, it has helped me to keep going lots of times.
I am lucky enough to have two amazing boys, aged 10 and 5, and on 12th of April last year I had my daughter, Merryn. We knew from the 20 wk scan that she had a tumour, and she was transferred to GOSH straight after birth. I was also very ill with PE. The op wasn't a success, and although she tried to get strong again for six days, she didn't make it, and we had to say goodbye. She was beautiful and strong and I miss her terribly.
I had two MCs before Merryn and one after, and am now 18 wks pregnant with a little boy. During this they have found out I have an autoimmune problem that affects my thyroid, and are now treating me for it, I am also on high dose FA and low dose asprin, I don't know if any of that is helping, but I like to think something is!
I hope you find some comfort and hope here, and people who understand. X

greengoose Sat 30-Mar-13 10:23:52

KLEINE, I hope your scan went as well as possible. I don't know much about IVF, but I have everything crossed that you don't have to go through this for long before your rainbow is conceived.

BLIZY, there isn't anything I can really say. It's shit, and wrong. I wish it wasnt taking so long for you. I don't know where you are up to with tests and consultants, are they DOING anything? You always seem to me, without 'knowing' you, like you are able to find love and hope in situations, hearing your wedding story inspired how I got through the summer after Merryn with our boys, filling it with as many love filled moments and memories as possible, carrying Merryn in my heart. And that was a lifeline. I wish we could carry you through in the way you have often carried us, please know people are really very much sending you hope, love and strength, I'm sorry we don't have more than this. Xxx

LITTLESTAR.. How are you?

FAN, your work colleague is shocking! You did very well, I think my jaw may just have dropped. People are so stupid at times. If you ARE blooming though, that's very lovely?! (I look like hell)!

My little one has been off all week with a bug, which DP also had, as did I. We have BIL arriving after lunch for WE, which is nice, but I'd rather just sleep and relax. Oh well. I think the run up to Merryns birthday will be the hardest bit. I'm determined that the actual day will be nice for the boys. We are going to Trebuh Gardens in Cornwall for the day. The bluebells should be up by then, and I associate them so strongly with Merryn.
I don't know how to cope with the 18th, which is the day we said goodbye to Merryn. I want to ignore it, but I won't be able to. I don't think the boys will think about it as a 'day' and that's fine. I think I'm angry at it existing, and don't want a negative day to mark, if that makes sense. I don't know. maybe it will have a natural course, and I will just flow through it.

Jules829 Sat 30-Mar-13 12:46:15

Hey greengoose, thanks for your reply. I'm so sorry about Merryn... She has the same birthday as my Brother. The day I'm sure will be so difficult and painful but I hope it will pass gently. We are already thinking about Bens birthday - we plan to go to the butterfly farm together (dh and I) and then have lunch somewhere remote. It's so utterly tragic that so many families have to plan days such as these.
We have just come back from seeing Ben at the cemetery - we go every Saturday morning together and as I was stood there the sun came out; it was so warm on my face I felt sure it was angel Ben saying hello and standing with me. It made me smile.
Kleine - I hope your IVF is ok? We were about to have that right when we conceived Ben. It's a tough road but happy to offer words of support if I can on here.
Greengoose - congrats on your new journey.... Even that gives me strength and hope. I'm sorry to hear of all your heartbreaks but hope this journey will be special and precious. Looking forward to hearing all your news as things progress!
Also looking forward to meeting others here.
I'm patiently waiting for AF post ERPC now.... Finally got all HCG out of my system and now on the look out for ovulation signs! Fingers crossed.
Anyhow hope you are all planning a nice weekend x

blizy Sat 30-Mar-13 13:35:19

Green, it's so heart warming to hear that i inspred you. We have my little Zoe bear to thank for that. I am not finding any hope today, still in my pj's on the couch with my duvet.
I am still on the waiting list for the fertility clinic.
Do you have anything planned for Merryn's birthday? How can a year have passed already? I often think of you, your boys and Merryn. I love your heart stones and river, such a beautiful thing to do for your perfect, precious Merryn. X

Jules, I am so sorry you find yourself here on this thread. Ben is such a fab name for your perfect little boy, I'm utterly heart broken that he can not be with you. I am sorry to hear about your MC too.
The ladies on here are such a fantastic bunch, I'm sure you will find lots of support and friendship from us all.

Fan, how are you doing?

Thinking about Kleine, cheese, razz, littlestar, too, elly, Mia's, whatever, babyh, mumlah, blue and everyone else,,apologies to anyone I have missed.

blizy Sat 30-Mar-13 13:36:52

Spilt and angel, hope you are both ok? Not heard from you in a while. X

jules welcome, so sorry to hear about your little Ben.
My daughter Ophelia was stillborn 23 months ago due to a knot in her cord. She was a perfect little golden haired girl. I have had two early miscarriages but I'm currently pg. I hope this thread helps you as it has helped me, I don't think I would feel as strong as I do with out these wonderful women behind me.

green I'm thinking of you often in the run up to Merryns birthday.

blizy I want to scream and shout for you! Bloody AF why can't she go do one! Have a slobby day on the sofa I think you deserve one, and I hope very much that you will get that BFP very soon.

We have decided to call this bump Bumpkin.

greengoose Sat 30-Mar-13 16:47:07

Fan.. I've been waiting on your name for bump! Bumpkin is very sweet! You are so brave, I can't think too much about 'actual real babies' yet... Although I had a few more flutters, so it is getting more real whether I admit it or not!

BLIZY... Duvet days are just sometimes the way to get through, (duvet weeks have been known here, but don't tell my DP).

JULES.. The wait after ERPC is horrid, I hope it passes quickly and your body picks up its rythme soon. It's lovely that you felt Ben close to you today. The sunshine is so welcome after the grey skies, I love spring.

In 'other news' our sewage tank has overflowed in the woods. (too much rain). Dp is going to be shovelling it out this WE. What a joy. I shall cook and play with the kids and try my best to ignore......

green oh no what bad luck! Your poor Dh having to deal with that.
We named Ophelias bump Bubble because I needed to feel attached to it, I didnt feel pregnant and it didnt feel real. But now its like we have to acknowledge the little baby with a name, just incase it doenst survive. Its nice to say when I was pregnant with beanbag or bungle, they may not have had a heartbeat but they were so nearly here. We all get through this in our own ways I guess.Weve even talked of names, which I still cant quite beleive.

Im being waited on all the time by DH, he wont let me hoover, dust, cook, even do the washing. So I have been sitting watching copious amounts of tv, loving the reruns of Great British bake off, though seeing some of the raw ingredients does make me feel sick.

Hope everyone is well this easter break.

KleinePoppet Sat 30-Mar-13 19:45:57

A little hello from the sofa - my DH is doing the same as yours, fan, although for different reasons! I am under orders to rest quite a lot this weekend, in order to make sure my body has plenty of energy to devote to growing follicles... We are watching Game of Thrones series 2 on DVD, which keeps DH out of trouble when he's not doing the cooking smile
All looking ok from the scans at the moment, there are a few follicles growing, which is good - we'd worried that I might not respond to the drugs at all, but even on a low dose it seems to be working ok.

jules our stories are perhaps a bit similar in some ways - we struggled for years to conceive, then we actually conceived our daughter, naturally, during an IVF cycle - I did the down regs, but then my period never arrived... So the world of the fertility clinic isn't new to me, although it's a very different experience going through treatment as a bereaved mother. Managing ok so far though.
I'm so, so sorry you lost your lovely Ben during labour. Were they able to give you a reason for the IUGR? My DD was severely brain damaged when my labour was induced at 42 weeks. In her case it was due to undiagnosed vasa previa. She was born by crash CS, about 16/17 minutes after the cord broke and I started haemorrhaging, and was eventually revived in order to give us two days together, before she just couldn't keep going any more. My perfect little girl.

green you made me cry with your sweet, sweet words for blizy. I just want to reach out and hug you both!
blizy pyjama days are a speciality of mine. I'm so sorry that you're not finding any hope today... You have been ttc after Zoe for far, far too long, and I can't imagine how painful and exhausting it is. Honestly, if I could somehow gift you a BFP, even if it meant waiting a bit longer for my own, I would. I wish I had a magic wand... (And I really wish your fertility clinic would get a bloody move on. Waiting list, schmaiting list, as far as you're concerned. I just hope so much that they see you soon....)

Oh - my dinner is ready - but, love to everyone else too x

blizy Sat 30-Mar-13 21:00:47

Kleine, my lovely you have in turn made me cry with your words. I wouldn't take the bfp from you, you deserve yours as much as as me and everyone on this thread.
Yay to the follicles, I really do hope you have a bumper crop of eggs to harvest. Enjoy your dinner!

I'm still on the couch, although I have showered and changed into fresh pj's. dh has been out watching football since midday, he just called to ask if he could stay out longer. I agreed he could, but wish I hadn't. Modding want to be a meanie and tell him I wanted him home.

LittleStar0909 Sun 31-Mar-13 00:30:05

Hi everyone,

Jules welcome, but I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Your darling Ben sounds just perfect, i so wish he was here with you. My son was stillborn in September last year at 27 weeks, he was our first baby and we are totally heartbroken that he isn't here with us. We are ttc again but no luck so far. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, it is so sad under normal circumstances, but when you are already grieving I imagine it must give you a whole other layer of emotions to work through.

Blizy I've been thinking of you lots this weekend, I also specialise in PJ and chocolate days-far too many recently. You obviously have really wonderful friends (the posts on here make me cry). I'm praying you don't have to wait much longer for your Rainbow xx

Fan Hi! Glad Your DH s waiting on you hand and foot.

Kleine hello lovely, glad your DH has been looking after you this weekend. I have been keeping you in my prayers.

Green thanks for asking after me, I've had a bit of a funny day today (more of that in a bit). Thinking of you so much in the run up to Merryn's birthday, I'm glad you have some plans for the day itself, but I imagine the whole period, both before and after will be tough for you. Sending lots of love xx

My update-DH went to a wedding today (I decided it would be too much for me so declined) and I spent the day with my mum. Found out that her close friend (an older mum) has just miscarried at about 16 weeks and my primary feeling was one of relief. I feel like such a terrible person, I never wanted her to have this baby, she announced pregnancy just 3 months after F died (and went on and on about how difficult it was for her being scared because my baby had died) she didn't want to have this baby and I just felt so devastated and jealous. I obviously never wished her or her baby any harm (and i know only too well that thoughts alone cannot determine the outcome of a pregnancy) and now I feel sad for her and her husband, but mainly I just feel relieved that i wont have to see or hear baby news from her. My emotions seem to be so different for people who have suffered loss like we have. rainbow babies give me hope and I can feel genuinely 100% happy, why can't I feel like that for others? Why can't I just have a "normal" reaction?

The rest of my day was quite nice, went to F's "spot" and then a really special evening vigil service at church (no electricity, loads of candles, really spiritual and special) and I felt so close to F, it was wonderful and sad at the same time. Then went to pick DH up from the wedding and there was a pregnancy announcement (I'm SO glad I didn't go). It has just made me feel sad that I don't have my baby boy here with me, I miss him so so much and it is so hard being a mum without my baby here. Not sure i will be able to sleep tonight as my head is whirring with emotions and thoughts. Sorry for long rambling update and I also really hope I haven't offended anybody with how I feel about the news I received today, wish I didn't feel how I do. It is also 1 year ago tomorrow that I got my BFP, I was so excited and happy-what a contrast to how I feel now....

Sending so much love and strength to all of you xxxxxx

KleinePoppet Sun 31-Mar-13 08:58:45

blizy oh dear, tears all round yesterday then! Thank you for your sweet words. I hope so very much that today's a better day, that you and DH have lots of time together and can just relax and enjoy each other's company xx

littlestar goodness... I'm so sorry to hear the sad news about your mum's friend - of course I remember how difficult and complicated it was when you found out she was pregnant. Please give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling... You're not a terrible person at ALL, you're doing the best you can with such a whirlwind of emotions, and your feelings will change with time. (Knowing you as I do, I strongly suspect that soon you will be able to offer her support, while she starts to grapple with her loss.) I have certainly wished that friends' babies haven't existed, during their pregnancies - without wishing them harm, just wished that they would somehow evaporate - fortunately none of them had any problems and all have arrived safely, but it would have felt hugely complicated if any part of my wishes had 'come true'. Hugs to you and esp on the anniversary of your BFP. I hope you got a bit of sleep xx

Wishing everyone a peaceful Easter and many many blessings over the year to come.

littlestar I really understand how you feel, and I don't know if this will help but a good friend of mine once said you never know the trials and sadness another couple has been through. And that may not be the case for your friend but I try and think this when those feelins take hold of me. Don't be hard on yourself your feelings are totally normal, but isn't it just wonderful that you can come here and say them instead of letting them fester. Be gentle with yourself.

Jules829 Sun 31-Mar-13 13:17:18

Hey all.... Just wanted to say that our Angels are enjoying their Easter treats up there together.... Today is hard but we will ALL get there in time.... It's just that time seems so long and it's hard to wait as it ticks by. I hope you are all having a gentle day x

Jules829 Sun 31-Mar-13 13:28:19

Littlestar - I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so incredibly hard. I plus all the others here know how you feel and I an echo the feelings you have about others. All totally normal and I also feel this too from time to time.
Have a gentle day today and try to keep positive - you have strength oozing from your core which is how you find yourself still here after your loss.... I keep telling myself that everyday.

I wanted to share this poem for us all today:

I'm There Inside Your Heart...
Right now I'm in a different place, And though we seem apart, I'm closer than I ever was... I'm there inside your heart. I'm with you when you greet each day And while the sun shines bright, I'm there to share the sunsets, too...I'm with you every night. I'm with you when the times are good, To share a laugh or two, And if a tear should start to fall...I'll still be there for you. And when the day arrives That we no longer are apart, I'll smile and hold you close to me...Forever in my heart. Text © Abbey Press


LittleStar0909 Sun 31-Mar-13 13:52:04

Thanks Jules that is a beautiful poem.

Thank you for being kind about my feelings Kleine Fan and Jules Despite having about 4 hours sleep and being exhausted I actually feel a bit better able to cope today. I think yesterday it was all a bit of a whirlwind for me and my emotions are a bit more in check now (a good old cry provided some release too). I am happy for my friend who is pregnant, it is a much longed for pregnancy for her (yesterday it just made me feel so sad about not having F here with me). I have also got past my confused feelings about the miscarriage and feel just sadness for my mums friend and her husband. I am so grateful for being able to let it all out on here, it really does help, thank you.

I hope everyone is having a gentle Easter weekend-we are about to attempt a leg of lamb......


blizy Sun 31-Mar-13 23:28:53

Little, I so know how you feel about the pregnancy announcements. A close friend of ours is just recently pg with their second child, there are only a few weeks between their dd and Zoe. It just feels so unfair that they ateon their second child, when I can't hold my first and only baby.

Jules, thank you for the poem, it is beautiful. I am sorry I haven't properly introduced myself. My dd Zoe (first and only child) was born sleeping at 41 weeks in Feb 2011 after I went to hospital with reduced movements. I had a condition called defective placental maturation and we also found at the PM that Zoe had Down's syndrome .

I hope everyone has had a gentle day, I may be a little drunkon wine blush.

KleinePoppet Mon 01-Apr-13 11:37:59

blizy getting drunk is clearly the only sensible thing to do... smile I am quite sure I'll be enjoying a glass or seventeen of wine if the IVF doesn't work...
It IS massively unfair that your friends are expecting their second while you don't have Zoe. Life really sucks at times, doesn't it? Sending you lots of love on this chilly Bank Hol xx

RainboxFX Mon 01-Apr-13 18:04:42

Sending everyone so much love this Easter Monday. The snow has finally melted up here and the sun has returned to the sky. Went to Dexter's grave yesterday and the crocuses my MIL planted have started to flower. It was lovely to look at, but did make me cry. How can life possibly go on, and the seasons swing around again, when we have lost so much and feel so broken sometimes?

Kleine I am so glad this cycle is looking good so far. I must admit I have no idea how IVF works, but it sounds very stressful. I am pleased you are getting RL support too.

Green you poor thing. I am glad you got the scan though, and hoping this little one gets wriggily quickly. I can't believe Merryn's birthday is so soon. Dexter's is on the 30th April. It seems mad, how can it have been a whole year? Thinking about you.

Fan grrr to insensitive colleagues. Thankfully I only have one other person in my office, and they are frightened I might cry, throw up on or eat them. You would think yours would have thought though. Bumpkin is a wonderful name. Good luck for the booking in appointment tomorrow.

Blizy I'm so sorry. It's so unfair. I wish I knew what to say. I hope at least that you drank my share of the wine? Sending you all the love I have.

Jules So sorry to have to "meet" you here but sending you such a warm welcome. Ben is the name of my very favourite person in the world, so I am very biased towards it. I am sorry your son in not here with you, and that you have had to deal with another loss. My first child Dexter was born at 24 weeks last year and stayed with us for a fortnight. Sadly he was just too premature to survive. I am now 21 weeks pregnant with a little brother for him, and delighted and terrified in fairly equal measures!

Littlestar thank you. We got a really good look at Noodles this time, his face and heart are all fine. Though she took forever to look at his heart and I of course paniced and thought the worst. Turns out all is well. Other people's babies and pregnancies are so difficult. It's a hard anniversery for you as well, no wonder you feel down. Sometimes a good rant and a cry helps, and we are always here! I met a friend's baby last weekend and it was the first baby boy I had met since Dexter died. All my friends have had girls so far. It was surprisingly hard, but I managed and feel a bit better. Look after yourself.

Thinking of everyone, I am sorry I have not namechecked properly. It has been a really long night. We went to a concert last night, and it was great. I was able to get a seat and the music was brilliant. But I woke up at 3am with what I thought were contractions and freaked out completely. It really felt exactly like my last labour. So we rushed into the hospital and after a night of monitoring, turns out it is just a UTI and braxton hicks blush I now feel very sheepish and embarrased but wow it was so sore! I feel like someone has beaten me about the kidneys with a plank. I have some antibiotics though, so hopefully those will help. And an appointment with the mental health team on Thursday.

HAppy chocolate bunny weekend x

rainbox what a scary thing ti happen, but I'm so glad its just a UTi, must be awful having one when pg. I hope the antibiotics kick in as soon as possible.

LittleStar0909 Mon 01-Apr-13 21:17:18

Rainbox that sounds terrifying, you poor thing. Glad all is ok xxx

RainboxFX Tue 02-Apr-13 11:41:43

Thank you! I really appreciate the sympathy. I have never had a UTI before, I did not realise how painful they were! And Noodles keeps booting me in the bladder, which bloody hurts. But I am also thankful for each little reminder that he is doing fine in there. Taking a couple of pjama days to sulk and feel sorry for myself.

How is everyone doing today?

rainbox you rest up UTI's are horrible. I've had a couple one of them went to my kidneys and I ended up with renal colic! And that pain was worse than labour! I'm glad noodles is behaving himself.

DucklingT Tue 02-Apr-13 12:14:08

This is one of my first very serious postings on Mumsnet. I honestly don’t know where or how to start. The beginning was ages ago and far too long a story.
I am 36 years old. Until a few years ago, I was superbly happy, entirely satisfied with life and always up for a giggle. I had a huge zest for life. I have always been a worrier though, but it's never been as bad as it now. I am hugely depressed now, I barely leave the house, I can't stop crying, I am disgustingly vile to my partner who I hate to even look at now, I don't seem to remotely care how I look (was always well presented before) and I'm furiously angry with the world.

Last August I gave birth to my perfect little daughter at 41+3. I was so excited to be meeting her after her horribly stressful pregnancy which involved a house move and my partner's ex making our life a living HELL.
My labour (my first) was super fast; 4 hours and 13 minutes from start to finish. We'd had a heartbeat at 00:30. My waters broke clear at 01:40. She died in labour. Unknown to all of us. They tried to revive her for 17 minutes.

The pm suggested a very sub acute death, possibly in the final minutes. Her lungs were smothered in meconium. My poor little angel. She was so beautiful and so perfect. Very small at 5lbs 12 but the stupid hospital picked up on nothing. The hospital were horrific to us. My whole labour experience was terrifying. From being sent home, my begging to stay, they shook their heads, coming home, my waters breaking on my bed, we returned to hospital and the doors wouldn't open to let us in as her head was crowning. We were turned away from rooms by a coordinator who was being screamed at by the midwife ("there's a head!! She's giving birth!!") and I gave birth in a side room somewhere. The hospital have admitted negligence on over 7 counts. We are suing the arse off them. Not that it makes a difference to bringing our little girl back but their behaviour was nothing short of manslaughter as far as I'm concerned.

I have therapy twice a week; a bereavement councilor and a psychiatrist.

Nothing is helping.

I am now 11 weeks pregnant and struggling is an under statement.

My temper is violent and I am livid with everyone. Yesterday I lost it and through uncontrollable sobbing I smashed my little girl's frame with her ceramic hand and foot prints. For the first time ever, I felt hugely angry and disappointed with my late daughter for "doing" this to me. I can't explain. I'm typing too fast......

I'm pregnant and terrified. I'm pregnant and not; well, I barely notice that I'm pregnant. Other than the depressing and never ending treacherous morning sickness, I barely remember that I'm carrying. Until , that is, I think about it being a boy. Then my stomach turns, I go into a state of anxiety and panic, my temper flares and I collapse and sob. Sob uncontrollably.

This morning I have just returned from seeing my sweet GP where we discussed a termination. I am very aware that I'm suffering from acute A.N.D. but we are steering clear of the SSRI's until i am past my nuchal. Then I'll go straight onto 10-20mg of Sertraline or Citalopram to carry me as sanely as possible through the remaining long and terrifying months. In the meantime, I am seeing a top psychiatrist at St Thomas's, London who is a ray of light shining down on me during the 90mins that I'm with him. Then I leave his therapy room and everything comes crashing down around me. I return home and I fall into a terrible low that inevitably results in my being vitriolic towards my partner, the father of this unborn child.

We have talked about splitting up and it seems like it's very much on the cards. I would be keen to leave London and move down to Hove, East Sussex. I just think this is very unfair on my partner who is kid crazy and is desperate to bring a child up and he defines that as being under the same roof as this child. To be fair to him, I got us into this mess. I was the one desperate to be pregnant after losing our gorgeous little girl; I was the one begging him to ttc after the Xmas holidays; I was the one who told him begged him and pleaded with him, my parents and my best friends that being pregnant was the ONLY, ONLY, ONLY thing that was going to help me get better and to feel sane again.


How very wrong I was. How very foolish I am.

I am now 1000 times worse than I was. I have frequent suicidal thoughts; I am disgusting myself by sort of sickly wondering if the nuchal next week will go wrong and I'll have to terminate which will get me out of this pregnancy.

Do I want to terminate? Not 100%.
Do I want to continue? Not if it means like this.

It's like I'm almost willing this baby to die now before it dies later at full term. I am so unattached to whatever's inside me at the moment. I have no love there. At my 10 week scan last week, they asked me if I wanted the pictures and I said "no thanks." What was I playing at??? (Though I felt a little bit of fascination at seeing what was inside me.)

I am dreading having to tell people that I'm pregnant. I don't want to hear "congratulations" or "oh we're all so happy for you." Those sorts of comments make me want to punch these people!!!!! (I think I may need to go on an anger management course!). There is no congratulations; I shouldn't even have to BE pregnant. I should be here with my little girl, nearly 8 months old, gurgling away, throwing sweet potato mash all over the kitchen floor as she starts to take food, starting to giggle together, watching her figuring out what's what in the world and being smothered in so much love by her wonderful family.....not go to her grave daily to light her candles and read her "Guess How Much I Love You" at the foot of her grave as I sob my heartache away.

So now what? How on earth can I get my head around this pregnancy? How will I feel the love? How can I start to care? And what on earth will I do if the FMC tell me it's a boy next week...........................? I won't be able to cope. I'm very, very frightened.

To all of the angel Mummies reading this, my heart breaks for your loss. The pain of losing one's child is worse than any that I couldn't have possibly imagined.

Thank you for reading and understanding.


LittleStar0909 Tue 02-Apr-13 12:47:19

Hi Duckling I am so sorry that you have found your way to this thread (but relieved you felt able to share). Your birth experience sounds terrible and I'm not surprised that you feel so angry at the hospital. I really do feel for you, it sounds like you are on an emotional rollercoaster and finding things very hard. Life is so tough when your baby isnt here with you.

I'm afraid that I can't offer any advice from experience, but can only suggest that you take your time regarding a split from your partner and/or a termination. As I said, I don't have any experience but assume that although you feel very confused about your pregnancy now a termination would bring a whole other load of emotions to the table which could also be very hard to deal with. Is it an option to see your psychiatrist more frequently? Could you perhaps book in to talk to your GP once or twice a week? Can you have a session with your partner as well? Sorry if these are basic/silly suggestions, I'm just trying to think of anything I can that might make things slightly less difficult for you and so you can get to a position where you are confident that any decisions you make are the right ones for you, the little baby growing inside of you and your partner.

Take your time, give yourself permission to feel how you feel and I hope you manage to find some peace. Thinking of you xxx

RainboxFX Tue 02-Apr-13 12:57:53

Hi duckling, I am so, so sorry to hear about your little girl. We would be glad for you to tell us about her, if you would like to. I understand you feel rage, anger, pain, sadness, confusion. I wish I knew what to say that would help. Sadly there are loads of us here, and we all grieve and feel different ways. None of these are WRONG, but I understand this must make you feel helpless and stuck. If seeing your psychiatrist helps, do you think you could have more talking therapy like Littlestar says? Would involving your partner help?

My experience is so different I am not sure I can offer any practical help. My son was born extremely premature last April, and was just too little to survive. I am now 21 weeks pregnant with a brother for him and I know, it is so hard. The only thing I could say is I know exactly what you mean. I begged that if anything was to go wrong, please let it be an early misscarriage. I know MC is devastating but I thought I could cope with that better than a later loss. Bonding was so difficult, even though this baby is like yours very much wanted. It has gotten easier in some ways since I have started feeling movements. But still very frightening.

Your post is so raw, I just want to be able to do something to help you heal and make sense of what you are going through. We are always here to listen. Thinking about you today. Take care.

duckling I just want to give you a very unmumsnetty hug, you are really feeling every emotion. But firstly I want to say that what you are feeling is totally normal. Not everyone comes through this journey how they went into it. Your baby died in terrible circumstances its bound to put a strain on you and your realtionship. Please do not blame yourslef.
Have you told your partner about all your feelings?

I'm sorry this reply is so short I'm off out for an hour or so, but will be back to talk to you some more. Just know that you are not alone.

Ellypoo Tue 02-Apr-13 15:47:24

Not read back so sorry to not namecheck, just want to say that I'm thinking of you today Fan, I hope your appt goes ok xxx