'Best' age to conceive?

(41 Posts)
lollydollydrop Mon 07-Jan-13 13:18:14

I know this is a bit of an impossible question, but in your opinion what is the best age to conceive your first baby?

How many years marriage/time together as a couple did you have/would you prefer if you could choose/do it again?

How long has it taken you/others on average to get a BFP?

I shall be marrying in 2015 when we are both 30 and do not know whether to try straight away or to have a couple of years married life beforehand. We have been together 3.5 years atm (living together 2.5 years) so will have been together for 6 years by the time we marry. Have a 2 year old nephew and 4 year old niece on his side. I'm currently back at uni doing my masters, which finishes in December this year so before baby I need to get a 'proper' job, and we would like to buy a house first. I really want to marry before baby, he doesnt mind which way round we do it and would have a short engagement of 6 months if necessary. I'm saying June 2015 for the wedding as that gives us 18 months after I graduate to work for a bit, save up and plan the wedding.

Just dont know whether to start trying soon after or not.. OH has been broody for years, me too but I put it on back burner and therefore became less broody. We want two, ideally a couple of years apart but it depends how we cope with the baby! My brother and I are 18 months apart (mum found that very hard) whereas OH and sister are 3 years apart (as are his sister's two kids). I dont think I would like to be much over 33/34 when I'm having my second...

Sorry- brain dump when I should be revising!!!

xxx

popsicle1984 Mon 07-Jan-13 19:18:17

I personally don't see the need to have 2 years together before trying if you'll have already lived together for 5 years! I'm getting married this summer when I'm 29 and getting straight on it! I just worry that if it took me longer than average to conceive and I wanted another one I could end up in my mid-thirties when there are likely to be more problems and it's likely to take even longer to conceive! I wanted to start this year really and have one before I turn 30 but wanted to get on the property ladder and get married first.

TheCountessOlenska Mon 07-Jan-13 19:24:46

i would get on with it if you want to be done before you are 33 or 34- i started trying at 28, conceived at age 30. then started trying for number 2 at 32 and conceived at 33. Hopefully you will be more fertile than me grin , but just saying you might as well crack on!

ThreeWheelsGood Mon 07-Jan-13 19:45:19

Conceive on your wedding night! That's what I'd be aiming for in your shoes, you know you want kids so do it as soon add you can/want, especially to give you time to have more than one.

deliasmithy Mon 07-Jan-13 19:59:33

No set rules exist, I think there is never a time when there is enough money, etc.

That said, getting a job going so you can have mat. Leave and a career to return to gives you more security and options.

I'm 29, waited longer than I wanted as DH was not ready. He wanted to spend money on things that he felt he could not justify later, such as further education. Now both very keen with little patience!

ThalianotFailure Mon 07-Jan-13 20:03:00

try straight away if you know you both want children. DH and I met when I was 30 (him 29), moved in together after 3 years, but it took 5 years for me to have a successful pregnancy. And trying for a second didn't go much better so at 41 I have had to become resigned to be an older mum than I wanted to (but not unusual where we live which is good) and only having one child, which makes me very sad.

go for it and best of luck!

MonoBrowser Mon 07-Jan-13 20:09:07

If youre both ready, I wouldnt beat around the bush. I'd be trying as soon as you're married.

I conceived very easily at 27, fairly easily at 31...not so easily after that. Crack on!

Bodicea Mon 07-Jan-13 20:11:47

I wouldn't leave it much past 30 if I were you especially if you want more than one child. Post 35 your fertility drops dramatically. And you just don't know how long the first child will take. Too many people play Russian roulette with their fertility and are surprised when it doesn't go their way. Their is never a perfect time to have a baby careerwise but you have the most important thing right, which is a stable relationship. I say start on your wedding night xxx

lollydollydrop Mon 07-Jan-13 20:19:02

Popsicle thats very good logic- thanks. I agree with your points. I think my idea of waiting once married is to enjoy the 'honeymoon' period of being married but

Threewheels conceiving on the wedding night would be perfect! (I've not been saving myself till then btw!) ;)

I feel that honeymoon may be a good time, as we should both hopefully be nice and relaxed, and have lots of time to shag :D Life gets in the way too much at home unfortunately sad

Countess you sound to be of normal fertility to me smile But you're right, as even if one day you wake up and decide omg you are so broody and absolutely Must have a baby right now, its still going to take a year if you are Very lucky!!

lollydollydrop Mon 07-Jan-13 20:21:28

Delia I will definately be aiming to get a job with good maternity entitlement and would only ever ttc when that entitlement kicks in! After 6 months of being there I believe is standard. My OH likes to spend money too- which is worrying as we dont save ANYTHING and so I do fear how on earth we could afford a child when he is so irresponsible with money? Hoping he will sort that out though?! I want to be established in a company so that they will want to take me back!!

lollydollydrop Mon 07-Jan-13 20:23:42

Thanks Thalian, sorry to hear you wanted more than one child and it wasnt meant to be.. I guess you have already considered all your other options and I hope that you resolve the issue one way or another- counting your blessings with one or looking at another route to two.

lollydollydrop Mon 07-Jan-13 20:29:34

Monobrow (great name) I always imagined myself to have my first age 25, then when I neared that age I thought no way am I ready, and even now (turning 28 in June) I can see myself getting to 30 and having to 'persuade' myself I'm mature enough!

Bodicea wedding night sounds good to me! I understand that people do take fertility a bit for granted- but the reason for me being cautious about getting the timing right is just incase I fall pregnant immediately. Three months into our relationship my oh and I had unprotected sex- once- and it resulted in a pregnancy. The pregnancy didnt work out, and I was very 'unready' for it, suffering as I was an eating disorder at the time. I know I will have been much more fertile then than when we try, and theres no say it would happen right away next time, but just incase we are lucky enough in the first few cycles I wanted to check from those experienced on here!!xx

ThalianotFailure Mon 07-Jan-13 20:45:54

thanks lolly, our little girl is just so wonderful and beautiful and we are so lucky to have her. I don't think I can try again (multiple MCs which have become progressively worse each time) and to be honest I feel too old and tired to cope with sleepless nights again!

I also found that random shagging didn't work for me (never knew when I ovulated) but using an ovulation kit worked brilliantly, never more than a month or two to conceive, though longer when we tried post-DD.

lollydollydrop Mon 07-Jan-13 20:50:17

Good idea on the kit- thanks. I know they advise having sex every 2-3 days but I dont want it to feel forced and not natural as that is so beyond the current state of affairs!! I dont think I would tell OH when I'm fertile though- just pounce!! smile

I'm sure your little girl feels completely adored and blessed to have you for her mummy too smile

Rache1S Mon 07-Jan-13 21:01:25

I think you just know when the time is right yourself. I have wanted to TTC for a few years now but the time wasn't right until recently.
You have to have worked for your employer for at least 26 weeks up to the 15th week before the expected week of childbirth, so that means you can start trying 1 week into getting a job and still qualify for SMP grin
I agree don't leave it too late, but if you're in good health don't let age put you off necessarily. I am nearly 35 and 16 weeks pregnant with my first. We conceived on our second month trying and following the NT test our risk of Down's has been calculated at 1 in 100,000.

Elektra83 Mon 07-Jan-13 21:30:42

Apologies if I am repeating what everyone else has said! I don't think there is a 'best age' you just have to do what is right for you. A friend of mine got married towards the end of 2011 and said that she didn't want kids straight after (her cousin who got married earlier that year actually conceived on honeymoon), she wanted to do stuff and spend more time with her hubby before having a kid.

I knew I wanted to try quite soon after our wedding because I think we were ready, we have been together nearly 4 years, lived together for 2 of those and it just feels like the right time now...the house feels a bit empty with just the two of us! We kept saying after the Indian wedding and now that's been and gone and it's a bit scary now that time has arrived!

mummycooper Mon 07-Jan-13 21:55:14

i was 25 when i had my son, and coming up to 27 and just recently found to be expecting my 2nd. my hubby and i got married young, i was 21 him 24, we waited 4 years but only because we were young still and wanted to travel go out at weekends etc, im lucky we met so young, i was 15 and him 18, i think its nice to have kids in your 20s and def before 35 as there can be extra risks involved in pregnancies when the mum is 35 or over so i think you should def try once your married, as it can take up to a year so just yas both enjoy yourselves, yas both seem like a great couple and so many great exciting plans ahead, enjoy the wedding plans and the house hunting, not forgetting the hen party lol and what best way to continue the celebrations than trying for a wee one smile, good luck with all your plans. xxx

BananaPie Mon 07-Jan-13 21:56:25

Why wait til 2015 to get married? You say you don't mind a short engagement, so why not get married now, then you'll at least have that out of the way!!

lollydollydrop Mon 07-Jan-13 23:27:46

Bananapie, I'm a masters student at the moment as so we are surviving off one income, I need to graduate, get a job and save a bit to afford the wedding. We really want to marry on the date we got together in June, but I see your point, we could marry beforehand.. if we could afford it and didnt mind the date. I have it set in my mind for that date though. The other option is to start trying before wedding.. not sure how I feel about being a pregnant bride.. Think about 5-7 months is okay bump wise but not my ideal xx

lollydollydrop Mon 07-Jan-13 23:29:51

Thank you for your well wishes mummycooper!!! I think I found my perfect wedding venue tonight! Excited, eeeeee!!! xx

By the way, normal fertility is conceived within one year if trying. That's what the NHS says on their infertility page. 80% of couples, iirc, got a bfp within a year. I think this board might give you a skewed sense of the normal length.

That said there is no reason to wait till 2015!

weegiemum Mon 07-Jan-13 23:59:02

Dh and I didn't live together before marrying.

We got married at 24, I got pregnant with my dd1 at 28 (wasn't first pg, I'd 2 mc in the same year) and had her just after I turned 29. Another mc then got pg with ds at 30, born when I was 31. Got p again at (just) 32 with dd2, she was born just before I turned 33.

For me, this turned out to be perfect. I started getting menopausal symptoms at 35 and was through it, totally infertile, at 39.

I'm very glad I had my dc when I did!!

deliasmithy Tue 08-Jan-13 08:29:01

Lolly, know what you mean. DH historically has slippery fingers when it comes to money where as I am a penny counter.

We had debt and my own rule had been to wait until we had paid it off. My DH doesn't always think of the obvious like cost of things, so we looked at finances based on 9 months mat leave. He was a little shocked. But we now have a savings account to tide us over, and DH spends far less. He is more motivated now there is a specific goal.

We spent quite a bit on our wedding. I was lucky to have my parents help considerably. It was a fantastic day, but in hindsight, it was only one day. 2 years on I do think I should have scaled back the plans and used the money for buying a house.

twentythirteen Tue 08-Jan-13 11:50:35

I know this isn't what you're asking but as someone who may have waited too long I would suggest a more analytical approach. Ask when your mother began menopause as you're likely to follow in her shoes. I can't remember the inexact formula but it might have been something like a ten year lead up to that age during which fertility is drying up, anyone remember? Then go to gp and get the blood tests, two, one each at different stages of your monthly cycle, this checks for whether or not you are ovulating. Finally you can also go private for a test that checks how many follicles you have, you want a decent number of these.

You should be fine at 30 but you never know.

There is no right answer to this. I'm 31 next week and I'm not ready yet. I've watched my best friend go through four rounds of IVF and even knowing the risks of leaving it, I'm still not ready yet.

lollydollydrop Tue 08-Jan-13 20:30:07

kiss I understand this- I guess it doesnt matter what other people say/their experience as when you're ready, you're ready. (What if we're never 'ready'??!) confused

twentythirteen thanks for being practical!! I need this too, I will check with my mum and think again. I dont think 30 is too old to start though, really xx

JBrd Wed 09-Jan-13 15:22:04

I doubt that you will ever get a clear answer, hun! As one of the other posters has said, only you know when the time is right for you.

And I'll make it even more confusing and say: There is never going to be a 'right' time!

When DH and I decided ttc, we thought everything was 'right' - we had good jobs with good career prospects that we liked, decent incomes, a house etc. A month after I stopped taking the pill, we found out that I was going to be made redundant confused. We decided to continue ttc nevertheless. I fell pregnant almost immediately after I stopped working. Managed to get a temporary job whilst being pregnant, then went on to have my lovely DS. No maternity package, just maternity allowance.
Four weeks after DS was born, DH got made redundant confused!

But it all worked out, we muddled through, both have new jobs now and are ttc no.2

See what I mean? You can be as ready and as prepared as you like, you never know what life will throw at you!

Do what you think is right for you! And re the age thing - yes, there is a point for not waiting too long, but then again I was 39 when I had DS and am now 41 and hoping to have more. And I have lots of same-age friends who had children at that age, it's perfectly possible/doable.
I am glad I waited that long before having children, because for me, it was the right thing to do.

Sorry for the essay grin, good luck with whatever you decide to do!

BalmainMummy Wed 09-Jan-13 16:51:31

Im 24 and pregnant with our first baby, we married last summer and wanted to get pregnant asap. We started trying for a few months before the wedding and all in all it took 6 months to conceive and Im relatively young so im glad we started when we did. We have been together for 3 years and to my mind we enjoyed some quality alone time before trying for a baby but we both got so broody we couldnt wait any longer! And im a right worrier and feel its better to start trying for a baby young. My parents tried for almost 2 years to have me (an only child) in their 30's so didnt want that stress for the future.

mummycooper Wed 09-Jan-13 21:59:54

ack lolly thats good least ya have your venue picked and thats one thing on your wedding plan ticked off, if you are considering trying now and maybe being a blooming bride go on ahead, as itl be your first pregnancy you wont properly sprout out till 5 months, i didnt anyway, just had a wee belly and could still suck it in up to 3 months, cant now, im only 6 weeks and can feel me belly changing tho i had a c sec with ds and my stomach muscles are away to pot lol .. not so good,, got told ya show quicker and feel more 2nd time, so 9 months of looking chunky for me but iv got a really good excuse lol :-) good luck chick with everything xoxox

HavingALittleFaithBaby Thu 10-Jan-13 08:58:44

Definitely no 'right' answer. What we chose - we got married when I was 27 and he was 24. We lived in a flat for a year which would have been tight for space and no lifts so we didn't really want a baby there. I was on the pill but it wouldn't have been a disaster if I'd got pregnant. Also we didn't live together before we got married so we wanted a bit of time 'just us'. We bought a house after a year of marriage and a few months after moving in we started TTC (so I was 28). Unfortunately we had fertility issues and I didn't get pregnant til this summer (when I was almost 31) so I'll be 31 when DC1 comes along.

I think you're wise to wait a bit for the wedding after graduating. I know someone who planned a wedding for a short time after she graduated. Never seen anyone so stressed! Based on personal experience, I wouldn't leave it too late into your 30s in case there is a problem but I wouldn't stress too much about it! smile

resipsa Thu 10-Jan-13 14:30:31

Lolly I was one of the "never readies" but was approaching 40 when I had a now-or-never discussion with myself. Have 2 yr old DD to show for it at 42 but I wouldn't advocate leaving it too long cause if you struggle to conceive (which is bad enough for your menatl health), you don't also want to be beating yourself up for leaving until later something you were sure you wanted to do and mighthave had more success with at an earlier stage.

crazyhead Fri 11-Jan-13 21:58:55

Best age is younger for fertility reasons, but old enough to be in a stable relationship for happiness reasons. Sounds like you, lucky OP, so I'd crack on with it and grab hold of that luck x

lollydollydrop Fri 11-Jan-13 22:05:23

Thanks crazy. After thinking about it and lurking on here the past week I am now leaning towards trying before my wedding rather than only from honeymoon onwards..

I'm thinking that being between 4 and 7 months pregnant at wedding wouldnt be so bad, so to start trying seven months beforehand and stop four months before- but try the 'just shagging' or 'not trying to get pg but not trying to stop it either' school of thought- and start with the proper hardcore shagging and ovulation tracking after the wedding! hehe grin

TheCatIsEatingIt Sat 12-Jan-13 20:10:49

I'm 32, and it's the right time for me because I'm in a good, stable relationship, DH has a secure job, mine's well-paid but less secure atm, our house is a bit small but secure, and we've got the wedding and honeymoon out of the way.

I didn't want to be a pg bride because I didn't want the risk of feeling sick or tired, I had a very fitted dress which I loved, and I wanted to be able to have a drink and dance until 2am. We also had an amazing honeymoon - the longest, most exotic holiday I'd ever had, and I didn't want to be pg for that.

brettgirl2 Sun 13-Jan-13 19:13:28

There is no right or wrong. Personally I would definitely not want to be pregnant at my wedding though. All of this fertility nosediving at 35 is crap anyway fertility is totally individual. My old next door neighbour tried for years in her twenties then had 3 kids at 32, 36 and 40. I didn't have problems conceiving in my 30s but I had really irregular periods in my 20s. My great grandmother had 6 kids after 35 shock When other members of your family had their menopause is worth knowing as you don't want to be trying within 10 years of that. And if you do have probs the earlier you started the better but most people don't have problems.

lollydollydrop Mon 14-Jan-13 01:37:12

Thanks for all your replies, reading yours brettgirl I found myself longing for that at my wedding too- I know deep down that would be my preference and that I am maybe just worrying about time/ageing.. I think when it gets closer to the time we will know whether trying before the wedding is an option or desirable. He's just said to me tonight that he wants to have bought a house before the wedding (think he thinks weddings are a waste of money) and I replied that we Are getting married June 1015, to which he repeated himself about the house! He needs to pull his finger out and start saving then as I think he believes a house deposit will just fall out the sky and land on his bl00dy lap!! grr angry

Weissdorn Mon 14-Jan-13 08:12:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weissdorn Mon 14-Jan-13 08:14:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuffPants Mon 14-Jan-13 08:19:54

At 36, I conceived first month of trying. At 33, it took 5 months.

I don't know a single person who didn't wait till their 30s to ttc. On the flip-side many have had miscarriages and other fertility problems...

Not something to be rushed. Get plenty of living and traveling out of the way first and be very secure in your relationship.

Naomhan Mon 14-Jan-13 13:50:34

Think about the honeymoon too. Being pregnant on your wedding day is one thing. Not being able to relax and enjoy your honeymoon is another thing.

My friend was on holiday Mexico and there was a couple in the same tour group who were expecting (in the early stages). They'd planned it as a honeymoon of a lifetime, but had to really scale back on the activities because she was tired or sick and he had to look after her. It also meant she had to avoid a lot of food and drink. They had planned the wedding and the holiday, not the pregnancy!

Of course, if you don't want to do a lot for your honeymoon, that's fine. But even things like a relaxing weekend at a luxury hotel might be disappointing if you can't use all the spa facilities (sauna and steam room I think are out of bounds).

What you could do a few months before the wedding is start coming off the pill if you are on it, cut down on alcohol and caffeine and star taking conception vitamins. Get to know your cycle, start reading pre-pregnancy books (I find An Impatient Girl's Guide to Getting Pregnant very reassuring) and work out if you have any issues. That way you can get off the mark very quickly hopefully when you do start trying.

Your decision of course, but if you will be 30 when you marry I don't think you'll have left it too late. I'm 34 and loads of people I know who are my age are having babies at the moment!

beckie90 Mon 14-Jan-13 14:16:48

I think there's no right age, just when it feels "right for you"

I've had my kids young, it wasn't the way id planned my life but now I think its worked out the best way for me. I fell pregnant unexpectedly at 17 with ds1 me and my partner had been together 6 months so at the time was a big big shock, I'd been on the pill, but was pretty sure I couldn't have children as my periods had stopped and had ovarian cysts. I fell pregnant imediatly after coming off the pill. Me and OH remained together got our own home I carried on working, at 20 I had ds2 (planned, concieved straight away) went back to work when ds2 was 11wk old but had to leave after 2 months because OH got a better job with longer hours, I'm now 22 still with my partner been together coming upto 6 years now and expecting dc3. This is my last child, next year I will be doing access to nursing course partime to go into the career I've always wanted to do. So for me I'm happy how it all turned out, even if it was a shock 5 years ago xx

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