The worst thing to say to someone TTC

(167 Posts)

I've just been reading another thread about how long it has taken people to conceive, and there were some comments made (but not in a nasty way) that make me feel so very uncomfortable!!

I'm 8+6 with my first but it took 12 very long months to get my BFP, and in those last 12 months I've realised some things should never ever be said to a person TTC!

"Relax"

"It'll happen"

"These things take time"

"It only took us a month, my husband thinks he has super sperm"

Anything else?

WeatherWitch Fri 16-Nov-12 09:38:22

"I'm pregnant"
"When are you going to have children?"
"Don't leave it too late"
"Well, it does get harder as you get older"
"I've never regretted having mine young"
"Career women like you who put it off often regret it"

I think the last one is my favourite - silly me, for delaying TTC until I had a man I wanted to have DCs with rather than just wandering down Union Street with no knickers on shouting "Come on, I'm getting old, impregnate me now while my ovaries are still working." It's got nothing to do with my bloody career! And I'm 35, not 55 FFS.

Can you tell that this is starting to get to me after 18 months TTC and one MC?

bonzo77 Fri 16-Nov-12 09:39:09

"When are you going to have a baby?"

loveulotslikejellytots Fri 16-Nov-12 09:44:53

"You'll never have a baby if you wait until you can afford it". I appreciate that babies are expensive and yes you have to make sacrifices etc but we want to wait until DH has got the job he wants, which would allow us to have more disposable income, both of us could work more flexibly and be a lot happier than if we had a baby now and had to struggle through! We're 22 and 27, waiting another 18 months isn't that long!

Weather I had similar from my MIL, the pressure from her had been pretty constant, before we got married it was about babies, then after the wedding it was even more about babies.

I did feel like saying
"Im sorry we've waited until we both have decent jobs, and a nice littel house, and we're married, I really should've jumped your sons bones as soon as I met him"

in all fairness it hasn't really got much better, when we told her, she was very happy and emotional but then came out with
"oh thank god for that, I thought it would never happen, or when it did I'd be too old to do anything"

gee thanks!!!

blondebaby111 Fri 16-Nov-12 10:23:01

I'm pregnant
Stop trying it will happen
Relax and just go on holiday
wow that long,my husband only just has to look at me and i'm pregnant
Perhaps u are trying too hard
Omg i'm pregnant again, it happened so quick,
if its maent to be it be happen, if its not it won't

Trust me after 5 years i could write a book!!!!!

My personal favourite is "my husband only has to look at me and I'm pregnant" grin

Someone at work said that they other day, before I could stop myself I said "do you think he would mind looking at me?" My DH couldn't stop laughing when I told him.

Hi Sparks

Cross post Blonde

I really hate the your trying too hard comment.

PoppadomPreach Fri 16-Nov-12 10:29:13

I once hear a DJ say "My wife and I only ha to think about having a baby and she got pregnant" on a show discussing infertility and IVF.

but generally being told to relax, i think, is the worst. just fuck off you ignorant, stupid, insensitive twat.

EuroShagmore Fri 16-Nov-12 10:29:29

"My husband only has to look at me and I'm pregnant."
"Relax and it'll happen"
"My brother's uncle's godchild's sister was trying for ages and then decided to stop, went on holiday and came back pregnant!"

DownTheRabidHole Fri 16-Nov-12 10:36:56

"haha mine were accidents"

Yeh, because having unprotected sex is an "accident". You don't ACCIDENTALLY get pregnant unless you're an idiot.

DownTheRabidHole Fri 16-Nov-12 10:38:35

"We weren't even properly trying"

What? You mean he spunked in a plastic bag in the shed or did he ejaculate in your vagina? The latter is correlated with pregnancy.

Endless variations of "have you tried...?" from people who got pregnant glancing at a sperm.

Charlotte321 Fri 16-Nov-12 10:46:27

cupcakes love what you said to your colleague, really made me laugh!

Someone I know who is exactly my age (31) with three kids was asked if she was pregnant because she wasn't drinking, and said "oh no I'm too old to be having babies now!". Great thanks for that as I struggle on ttc #1!

Yep the 'try and relax' thing is annoying. And telling me not to google or go on to mumsnet, as if it's that causing all my stress!

teaandcakesolveseverything Fri 16-Nov-12 10:49:39

Yup, "I'm pregnant" is a right killer! And I have to be so happy when I hear it! Even if I am really happy for them, I'm devastated for me. Selfish aren't I?!
And some variety of "you better hurry up and get on with it" or other references to age - but I never know what to say because we are trying, just not having a great deal of luck, and have been a lot longer than most now. I just don't want to discuss it with everyone else, because quite frankly it is none of their business.
Thankfully both sets of parents are rather more sensitive and never mention it, as they both know and understand it is a bit more complicated than that for us than most people. For reasons that are unrelated to TTC.

teaandcakesolveseverything Fri 16-Nov-12 10:50:06

Right bitter cow aren't I?!

You don't ACCIDENTALLY get pregnant unless you're an idiot.

Wow, so all those people whose contraceptives fail are idiots. That's nice to know.

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember Fri 16-Nov-12 10:53:10

The one I hated was

"Whose fault is it?"

People seem to think you will give them chapter and verse of exactly why you aren't pregnant.

And the other one that really upset me was saying "oh, well, at least you didn't get pregnant and have a miscarriage like X" - X being a friend who did have a miscarriage (and I sympathised with her) but also had three children and subsequently had two more. While I was still trying for my first.

willyoulistentome Fri 16-Nov-12 11:00:00

I am ashamed to say when my DS1 was about 3 weeks old and I was feeling like I'd been in a train crash, I told a friend of mine who was having problems TTC to 'be careful what she wished for'.

Thanks Charlotte it's without doubt the funniest thing I've said in years so I've been dying to share it smile
Please tell me 31 isn't too old, I'm 31 in 3 weeks & have been ttc for 2 years blush

Mary I hate it when people try to make you feel better by comparing your pain. Most people do it as they don't know what to say.

gnushoes Fri 16-Nov-12 11:06:24

So what is a good thing to say?

MissMedusa Fri 16-Nov-12 11:10:35

Any kind of "advice" from someone who got pregnant easily is a no go. If you got pregnant easily then TTC is whole different game for you than it is for me. You don't know better just because you conceived, you may know better for you and for others in your exact situation but you know nothing about mine.

MissMedusa Fri 16-Nov-12 11:11:41

gnushoes I think for any such situation, there isn't really anything you can say other than offering the person support if they need it.

Hi Cup grin

I too hate the "he only has to look at me" er, pretty sure thats not how you get pregnant!!! but love your response!!!

Freaky you may be missing the point of the thread slightly, a place for people who are TTC or have TTC for a long time to have a bit of a bitter rant about things that people say that irk them. Sometimes when you are TTC and someone says something like "I've got three children, and I was on the pill each time I got pregnant" then yes it does make you want to scream!!!

Gnu I told a couple of people that we were TTC but it was a general rule that they only talked about it when I bought it up, and normally it was just so that I could have a bit of rant.

Willyou I think thats probably an easy mistake to make, but I bet you wouldnt make the same mistake again!!

gnushoes the best thing anyone has done was a good friend who, after the arrival of the seemingly millionth baby to mutual friends, dropped me a little text saying "how are you? All these babies can't be easy for you". Supportive, kind, not judgy or patronising in the slightest.

Acepuppets Fri 16-Nov-12 11:33:16

Another one - sort of related to ttc - is when you actually have baby it isn't long before they ask when you are going to have another one.

Startail Fri 16-Nov-12 11:44:34

And the best a quiet squeeze of my hand and a look that said he understood from the dad of IVF twins.

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember Fri 16-Nov-12 11:45:21

Oh, and dh got a lot of "shooting blanks" type comments, which really, really got to him.

I think men don't realise that other men can be grieving about not having children just as much as women can sad. dh got no support at all from friends - just slagging hmm.

DownTheRabidHole Fri 16-Nov-12 11:49:44

freak Most people who have "contraceptive failures" are lying and have sub-consciously chosen to be "lax" with contraception - women in particular choose not to use contraception as they feel it (pregnancy) will forge a bond with their partner. "Forgetting" to take the pill is not the same as it failing to work. The majority of medics are in agreement that people lie about this.

after one ectopic, resulting in loss of a tube, one healthy DD and a MMC in Jan this year, MIL keeps telling us to "pull your finger out" what the fuck does she think we have been doing. Does she think it is simply a case of sex = pregnancy !

rabbitonthemoon Fri 16-Nov-12 12:08:34

If my mil makes one more comment about me being a career woman who put it off I might just explode. It isn't even true.

Worst things.

Relax/go on holiday/adopt/get pissed/use a surrogate
There are worse things that can happen
I knew someone's aunties best friends dog who...
Better get a shift on, tick tock
Could you have a secret affair? (I kid you not)
Have you tried ovulation sticks?
Have you tried a pillow under your bum?
Are you doing it enough?
Your sphincter muscles are more important than your fertility
I wish I'd never had kids, you're lucky.
And - never mentioning it ever again after I've disclosed.

Best things

You'll get there
I'm here if you need me
I understand, it must be very hard
Keep going and generally things that make me feel positive, not hopeless.

another 'accident' moan, because lets face it, it's not just aimed at people who are on the pill

"It was an accident, we were using the withdrawal method" shock
I didn't realise people still classed withdrawal as a method!!!!

Have If you're putting your fingers in the places they need to be pulled out from you're doing it wrong!! grin

EuroShagmore Fri 16-Nov-12 12:54:25

Another, much beloved of Daily Hate commentators on feritliy treatment stories "There's always adoption". Always said by those who have children of their own. Funnily enough, I have never heard this from anyone who is adopted or has adoptd.

Yes, because adopting babies is p1ss easy in this country and there is an endless supply for us barrens. BTW, why didn't you adopt instead of breeding? Perhaps, because whilst it is a wonderful thing, it is not a substitute for not having a genetic child. It is different.

EuroShagmore Fri 16-Nov-12 12:54:58

FFS, I must learn to proof read my posts!

Petershadow Fri 16-Nov-12 13:07:21

You'll have to get a move on, don't want DS to be an only child

Mummy, I really want a baby brother or sister

gnushoes Fri 16-Nov-12 13:15:07

thanks misswinkly. Good to know what good responses are, as well as bad.

axure Fri 16-Nov-12 13:23:04

EuroShagmore I'm adopted and I hope my Mum doesn't think of me as a poor substitute for a genetic child. It's not just TTC people who can have their feelings hurt. I know you didn't mean it personally, but neither do the people who make flippant comments about getting pregnant.

highlove Fri 16-Nov-12 13:32:56

"I suppose it's lucky you haven't got pregnant yet" from someone who knew we were having problems, after hearing my DH had been made redundant. Yes lucky is EXACTLY how I feel. Twat.

After I miscarried after two years trying "well at least you get to have more fun trying." Actually, TTC stopped being fun quite a while ago. And that particular pregnancy was achieved by my husband wanking into a pot in a small broom cupboard and a nurse them sticking a tube up my lady garden to insert the product of said wank. That was A LOT of fun.

"Relax and it will happen. " It won't.

"It will be you next." I hope so but it probably won't.

"my ex-colleage's neighbour's gran's sister got pregnant after x, y, z". Good for them.

"You can adopt." Actually I probably can't. But it's not the same anyway.

Best thing: "I'm so sorry. It really is shit. Let me know if you want to talk, or not if you don't".

sparkle maybe she just doesn't understand how you get pregnant lol afterall she only has one child herself, maybe she is baffled to this day smile

Oh I just remembered - "you can't possibly know what its like to be busy since you don't have any children".

'You career women - what do you expect' - arghh got that from so many people that assumed I made a choice to be childless. What should I have stayed in bad relationships and got knockedup because my fertility was at its prime? And what is wrong with having a 'career' type job while I live my life and am hoping to find the right life partner...

EuroShagmore Fri 16-Nov-12 15:02:50

axure I think you have misunderstood my post. I was saying pretty much the opposite to what you have understood. Perhaps I worded it badly. I certainly don't consider adoption as providing a poor substitute for a genetic child. If you read my post I clearly say that adoption is absolutely not a substitute for a genetic child. It is an entirely different (and equal) thing. A substitute implies that it is second best in some way, which I absolutely don't believe. I certainly didn't suggest it was a poor substitute and it makes me very angry when people suggest that if you can't reproduce you can pick up an adotion child instead. I was saying that it seems to be the Daily Mail commentators who see it as such. As you might be aware, you usually won't be considered as an adoptive parent if you are trying to get pregnant and a gap of a year is preferred post-fertility treatment, precisely so that the adoption is not seen as a substitution for a genetic child. But most of the Daily Mail bunch have no idea about this.

FWIW, Mr Euro and I have considered adopting so I have done some research and given it a fair amount of thought. I would probably go ahead, but he is less sure at the moment.

joycep Fri 16-Nov-12 15:19:19

I particularly hated MiL’s comment ...:”can i stay in your nursery?”.......FFS,  we’re not pregnant and we don’t have a child, the room contains a bed and a desk – not a cot , so i’d prefer it if you would call it the spare room!
 
I have had “you better get a move one”, “aren’t you broody yet?” , “you need to move out of the city and then it will happen” and i get the “relax” line on a monthly basis from my mother.
 
Comments that are upsetting are “xmas is so much more fun with children”, “my life is complete”, “kids give you meaning to life”. These all may be true but not nice to hear from people who know of your issues.
 
Also, “well nothing is as painful as childbirth” as a response to me saying i was having a lap & hsg & hysteo . 2 days of labour with a baby at the end of it versus years of ttc, draining investigations and treatments & with no end in sight. I know what i would prefer! 

Move out of the city Joycep? That's a new one - which bizarre child free city does your mother live in?!

Don't even get me started on the 'kids give meaning to life' thing - a friend posted something similar on fb not long ago - I barely resisted posting 'oh should I top myself then, since my life has no meaning?'

A close friend and my sister in law who knew the we were having problems when they got pregnant both said similar things, along the line of ...
"it's really upsetting for me to tell you we are having a baby."
Wanted to smack them in the face and say that hurt me more than it hurt you (was probably more than a little hormonal at the time). Just replied I was happy for them as would never want anyone to feel how I did.
As for the right thing the best was friend who had fallen pregnant with her fifth post vasectomy saying, "I feel that I can't control my fertility its all the luck of the draw." It felt very honest despite how we are on different sides of the coin.

highlove Fri 16-Nov-12 15:57:59

I've remembered another, this time from facebook: "there is definitely nothing worse than having a hangover with a three month old baby."

TerrorNotSoFrightened Fri 16-Nov-12 16:06:38

My DH's family had a few corners after my ectopic pregnancy.
"Next time, shoot straight son" said his grandmother to DH.

I was admiring the rocking chair in MIL's kitchen, "well, when you have a baby you can have it" grrr, by the way she never did give me the chair and I've had two babies now.

TerrorNotSoFrightened Fri 16-Nov-12 16:09:41

Thinking about it my mother was no better, got my period while I was staying at her house and asked her for some sanitary pads saying, "I guess it's a no this month as well"
"I'll never be a granny" was her response, cheers.

waitingtobeamummy Fri 16-Nov-12 16:27:18

I don't really want children, but cos of what you were going through I thought we'd better start trying and guess what?? I'm pregnant with twins! (still getting over that one.
Stop trying for a month and it'll happen.
I know how you feel, we'd love a second one. (i know this is something I need to get over, as secondary infertility must be horrible, but I don't even have one. )
Are you sure you want children??? (when their child is crying, whining, refusing to get off their Lap.
3 long years......you'd think I'd have got over some of them by now.

Cortana Fri 16-Nov-12 17:21:07

I think there's a lot to be said for telling no one. sad 12 months now and counting.

Outside of DP and I only two people know. One had problems in the past and is wonderfully sympathetic and supportive. The other is my oldest friend who despite having babies as easily as some shell peas has shown tact and understanding at all times, God love her.

The hardest part for us isn't all of our friends having children (I'm so happy for them and we love celebrating with them and I'd rather they had 20 healthy children and rubbed my face in it than begrudge them a minute of their happiness) it's the winks and smiles in my direction when people who don't know us see DP holding one of the babies at a party of gathering. I know he likes babies, I know he wants another, FFS. Let us hold and enjoy them for what they are, the beautiful children of friends.

MissSlapAndTipple Fri 16-Nov-12 17:33:05

My favourite is 'oh I know just how you feel, it took us three months first time and four months the second, I was just beside myself'. Fuck.off.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 16-Nov-12 17:49:13

Some of these are absolutely awful sad. I count myself quite lucky in that my family and DH's are generally quite tactful despite breeding like fucking rabbits.

What I find saddest are the times when MrS is holding a baby or playing with a toddler and we get the knowing nods and winks and the "he'd make a great dad" comments. I feel like such a failure.

Overreactionoftheweek Fri 16-Nov-12 17:55:22

My much younger sister, when telling me about her 'accidental' pregnancy, listed all our pregnant cousins and said "it'll be you next"

I started crying hysterically and hung up on her, and yes she knew we had been trying for a long time.

Thankfully, there's only 5 weeks between our babies, I was bloody pregnant at the time and didn't know - took us 3 long years, no official problems and no treatment - do not understand how fertility works at all!

Charlotte321 Fri 16-Nov-12 18:11:19

Ariel I know what you mean, I am my own worst critic and I hear that voice in my head saying "he'd make a great dad" when I see DH with his nieces. Breaks my heart at the moment.

Best thing is when people just say that it is just totally shit and they are there for us.

MidnightHag Fri 16-Nov-12 18:14:13

"Life's not all roses with a baby, you know." grrr angry

BRANdishingMistletoe Fri 16-Nov-12 18:21:55

My favourite from DH's cousin "Are you sure you're doing it right?" I should have said "Well why don't you demonstrate with your DH now and I'll tell you if we're doing the same". wink I do actually quite like her, and I know she meant it as a joke, but still.

The most annoying thing that loads of people said to me was "now you're adopting you're bound to get pregnant too". Even now it irritates me, and I don't know why it's so much more annoying than any of the other sayings or why so many people said it. Everybody seemed to know a couple who had adopted and then almost instantly had a birth child.

When DS went to school there was a little boy in his class with a younger sister. I got to know the mum quite well and it turned out that they had adopted their DS and she was already a few weeks pregnant that the court hearing (although she didn't know). So I asked her if she was the one the everyone kept telling me about, she nearly wet herself laughing because so many people had said the same thing to her when they were waiting to adopt. grin

stookiesackhouse Fri 16-Nov-12 18:23:00

This thread makes me sad :-(

I have really wanted a baby for last decade. But my love life has not worked out. I am 35.

I get the career woman thing all the time. And 'are you not broody yet?'

I am saving for fertility treatment but will not be telling a soul once I start treatment - bar my parents.

merlottits Fri 16-Nov-12 18:34:42

Have you tried doing it in the middle of your cycle? Apparently that's when you're most fertile...

Really? No, I've been trying unsuccessfully for 3 years but never once got tempted to so much as google "how to get pregnant"!

We had every horrible comment in the book. We have been on the other side of terrible comments. At a wedding a few years back my DH and I were there with our then (precious won!) 2 year old and new baby. At our table was a couple in their 40s who everyone kind of knew had been trying for years to have a family...

My FIL to the woman "so do you want to borrow my son to get you pregnant - he's obviously not firing blanks, eh eh?" Just say the word and we can sort something out!"

This poor couple were mortified, as were my DH and I as we knew the terrible pain of infertility. I remember little else of the wedding.

Both our parents were awful during our infertility - they don't have an empathetic cell in their bodies combined.

DownTheRabidHole Fri 16-Nov-12 19:27:48

stookie I used to pretend I wasn't interested in children at all. What are you supposed to do aged 33 years old and single? Say "oh yeh, I can't wait to have kids - I follow men around with a cattle prod trying to steal sperm and then I run home with a yoghurt pot full of muck". Because "wanting a baby" in your 20s is sweet, in your 30s you're just 3 cats away from Miss Havisham!

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Fri 16-Nov-12 19:42:21

'Just relax and it will happen'

'Do you want mine?'

'You need to be in a good place to bring a baby into this world' - said by a counsellor after I'd been crying about my laparoscopy. I shit you not.

'You need to think positively and then you'll have a baby.' Another counsellor who'd been on fuckwit training.

'Have you thought about adoption?'

'Ah well, there's a reason for everything.' / 'You obviously weren't meant to have kids.'

stookiesackhouse Fri 16-Nov-12 19:43:35

Two in my case DTRH grin

No, it's really hard. But I am not ready to give up yet!

winkle2 Fri 16-Nov-12 19:52:21

Relax
You're too stressed
Stop trying

Arrrggghhhhhh

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 16-Nov-12 19:54:46

Oh there's a reason for everything is there? Some pissed up nob knocking up every girl in sight, and my dh not one baby? Little kids getting cancer? Earthquakes and famines?

Some sayings are so mindbogglingly fucking stupid and so are the people who say them. Another favourite are those - usual silly immature young women - who maintain that they believe so strongly that if you want something badly enough it will happen. Oh do piss off!

TigerseyeMum Fri 16-Nov-12 20:01:37

My mum went through a phase of telling me about every celeb with endometriosis who had thought they were infertile who miraculously managed to have kids. She sent me newspaper cutting about how endo need not mean infertility. I think she meant it in a jolly, look its happened to them it could happen to you kind of way, but still...

And having bought a semi in a suburban area I get constant 'oh you know what you need now, don't you?' So, I got a new dog :P

The inevitable 'it'll be you next' or 'he'll make a good dad' comments. Fair enough, most people have no clue but I am almost 40 and been with my partner 20 years so you know, its not as if we never thought about it...

Anaitis Fri 16-Nov-12 20:01:37

yy WeatherWitch re "Don't leave it too late" hmm

I've been trying for 9 years now - since I (finally!) met DH. I was 31 when we got married and we started ttc straight away. No joy yet and just started first IVF cycle...

Anaitis Fri 16-Nov-12 20:02:30

Sending un-MN (((((hugs))))) to everyone one this thread. Life and the people in it can be cruel sometimes!

DownTheRabidHole Fri 16-Nov-12 20:02:38

<paints pink icing on cupcakes reading "everyfing happens for a reesun lol">

Anaitis Fri 16-Nov-12 20:06:20

< SMASHES cupcakes with bitter fist >

hels71 Fri 16-Nov-12 20:17:37

"Now you have had one baby (an IVF miracle. might I add.) you will easily get pregnant again..." err,no, I don't think so

"some people are just not meant to have children..."
"what will be will be"
"stop trying and it will happen".........

Geeklette Fri 16-Nov-12 20:17:47

cupcake I'm on page three of this thread and I'm still chuckling at what you said grin

The most recent thing said that had me fleeing for the bathroom to hide my tears was from a new admin in the department - "so have you not thought about having children then?" - no love, only every second of every day of the last TWELVE F*CKING YEARS. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong words.

The best thing I've seen was in the waiting room at my IVF clinic, a poster from a support agency (I think) - "the only thing more painful than having a baby is not having a baby". Until you really, truly, bone-deep eat sleep and breathe that pain, you cannot understand. However, a handhold is always welcome.

TigerseyeMum Fri 16-Nov-12 20:26:32

Oh I forgot the comments like 'until you have children you can't really understand' about things like Children in Need or some terrible tragedy.

That's right. I lack the necessary empathy and compassion to truly understand because of my absence of kids.....

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 16-Nov-12 20:30:38

You can't truly know about Love either apparently.

kitstwins Fri 16-Nov-12 20:30:45

So many of the usual cliches were rolled at us - mostly the bizarre concept that if we'd only get our shit together and book a three week all-inclusive to Barbados we'd be pregnant. Because, YES, the only thing that guarantees pregnancy is 'relaxing on holiday. Fucking hell! So there I am wasting hours and months poring over fertility books and peeing on ovulation sticks when it turns out lying on a sunlounger gives you miraculous powers of fertility. As does 'giving up' or 'accepting some people are not meant to be parents' apparently. FUCK OFF!

The worse and most acutely painful was a friend calling me to announce her pregnancy, first month of trying of course, and then when I tentatively mentioned that we were thinking of trying (we'd already been secretly trying and failing for a year) lectured me about not being a "control freak" about it. I made her apologise about it after my twins were born. Oh and the usual smug "I only have to glance at her" shite from friend's husbands when they announced her pregnancy.

I'm lucky as IVF worked for me and I have my magic twins but I can still remember the pain and RAGE. All I know is that it's a pain that goes all the way through you and paints you grey inside. Right in the marrow of you. All the way through.

rabbitonthemoon Fri 16-Nov-12 20:39:12

Kits - that is exactly how I feel. To the marrow. Thank you for posting. I'm so glad you got your magic twins.

winkle2 Fri 16-Nov-12 20:46:42

It is pain and rage isn't it?

stifnstav Fri 16-Nov-12 20:47:15

Before we even started TTC a colleague said to me "Are you going to have kids? Because, you know, I know two women who left it too late. They both committed hari kari."

I kid ye not. I wanted to tell her to fuck off and to never say anything like that to another woman again.

People need to engage their brains before speaking.

DS is 7 months old and we didn't have any issues (or at least we don't know if we do) but I am not counting my chickens. I have several friends who are having difficulties and the way I look at it is that he could have been a complete fluke, if you see what I mean. It isn't a subject that allows for smugness of those who "can". I hope I've worded this as I meant to!

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 16-Nov-12 20:49:53

stiff you really should have said that to her.

NamingOfParts Fri 16-Nov-12 20:50:14

I told DM that we were trying. Bitterly regretted it. Some of her helpful comments:

- is it because you were on the pill? I had been off the pill for over a year
- have you thought of adopting because X got pregnant after she had adopted? I cant help thinking that this is wrong at so many levels
- have you got any news for me? After an hour long conversation of course I forgot to mention pregnancy

I heard most of these on our long and arduous journey to conceive (our miracle is 11 months now). Lots of posts really touch a nerve.

MissSlap, the "It took ages, 5 months. I felt like it was never going to happen" comments really sting. I agree that they can fuck right off.

I got a few "Oh, well you can always have IVF" comments. I know it was meant well but tit just seemed so flippant.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 16-Nov-12 20:56:45

And do people KNOW what the success rates (or lack of) are for AC?

Oops blush at my "tit" error!!

Blending Fri 16-Nov-12 21:24:40

Yes yes to all of the above! There should especially be a mandatory slap for the relax/forget about it/you're trying too hard ones though. As if something which is burned on to every living cell of your body 24 hours a day is that easy to forget!

Have you tried putting a pillow under your bum/legs behind ears after sex?

6 years and rounds of IVF to get miracle DD 2yrs old at 38.

I'm now pregnant with IVF twins.

I once lost it with a cocky young girl in work, who quite loudly said "Didn't you want kids Blending, your so focused on being a career women?" I snapped and in front of 20 odd people that I managed I quite icily said "No I can't have children" and when you went visably white I added "You really shouldn't ask such personal questions if you dont want to know the answer"

I marched of the office floor before sobbing in the loo- I'd got my period that day and was on Clomid. I wasn't proud of myself, but several colleagues spoke to me later and I realised it was more common than I thought, and it was just a taboo subject.

mrsden Fri 16-Nov-12 21:27:10

"don't you want kids then?"
"you want to get on with it, women over 30 are more likely to have a baby with something wrong you know"
"I'd hate to be one of those women in their mid thirties who still haven't had their first baby"
"having a baby later on is so dangerous, women should be told to have babies in their twenties"
"I can't believe I got pregnant the first month, I was looking forward to all the trying"
"we've been trying for 4 months, I feel like it's never going to happen"
"3 months trying and I'm so fed up with it all"
"being a mother is the best feeling in the world"
"life isn't complete with children"
"you'll understand once you have children"
"they've adopted, I think he was firing blanks"
"life is so much better with kids"
"I do pity people who can't have children"
"it's nature's way"

I've heard all of the above. We haven't told anyone so people haven't been deliberately mean, they just don't think.

mrsden Fri 16-Nov-12 21:30:51

remembered another one (which I'm particularly sensitive too because we're about to start ivf) "i'd never have ivf, it's so unnatural" or "I'd adopt rather than have ivf" both said by people with kids.

I hate that people think they know what treatment they'd be prepared to have if they were struggling to conceive. Unless you're in the situation, you have no idea what you'd do.

Aquarius1 Fri 16-Nov-12 21:33:20

I agree blending, It is such a taboo - one of the hardest things is not being able to talk about it. Congrats on your success with ivf - heartening to hear.

JoInScotland Fri 16-Nov-12 21:51:22

"You should be grateful you have the one already then." Yes, because secondary infertility doesn't have its own special pain. Being the youngest of 7, with 17 biological nephews and nieces, I never saw this coming. One sister has 6 children. I always thought this happened to other people. But yes, I should stop being so greedy as to want to give my son a brother or sister.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Fri 16-Nov-12 22:22:13

More (((hugs))) to all on this thread.

YY to rage and pain. I couldn't find anywhere to let it out - apparently I was meant to smile sweetly through everything...

FrankelDeBeauvoir Fri 16-Nov-12 22:26:12

Another bitter non-pregnant woman checking in here. All of the moments have been mentioned so far, but particular favourites for me include:

"my old boss and his wife tried to have kids for years but it never happened. 2 months after they stopped trying she was pregnant! You should stop trying so hard" hmm

"You need to be patient" I've been patient for 2.5 farking years! Any more "patience" and I'll be demanding a sainthood angry

winkle2 Fri 16-Nov-12 22:27:30

It's so hard that its taboo to talk about it in real lie. What are you supposed to say?

paah Fri 16-Nov-12 22:35:35

You're looking fat/pasty/well/aren't drinking blah blah blah... are you pregnant?

Grrrrr

Cortana Fri 16-Nov-12 22:43:41

I don't think there's any right answer to that Winkle, I've been trying for 12 months now, 13 cycles. This is a secondary issue for us as we are very lucky to have one DS already. (JoScotland I know where you're coming from angry)

Everyone's different. DP and I deal with it by using black humour. Usually I'm fine with "crass" comments and can brush them off from friends and family who I know mean well and don't know our situation. You can't tell someone is ttc unless they tell you. You're not psychic. Long as you're not wandering up to people you barely know and asking "HEY! Why no kids?!"

I think a good rule is always take your lead from the person you're talking to, if they bring it up be supportive and ask questions rather than making assumptions.

Crikeyblimey Fri 16-Nov-12 22:45:10

The amount of people who think we chose to only have one is astounding. Makes me so cross. I've had "oh, do you just want to spoil one rather than have more then?" - I'm hard enough and old enough to occasionally hit them with the "it took a fuck of amlong time to get the one I have and apparently there won't be any more". They do squirm nicely when I respond like that.

18 months and 1 mc into Ttc and some really close friends announced they had been trying for 3 months and he actually said to her (right infront of me) "don't know what we are doing wong, you're not pregnant yet". She was pg 2 months later. Greer. 12 years on and I haven't forgotten that one sad

Crikeyblimey Fri 16-Nov-12 22:46:21

Grrrrrrrr - nor Greer!

MsHighwater Fri 16-Nov-12 22:49:39

I got off pretty lightly, I know. Noone knew we were ttc so we avoided a lot of stuff that way. DD was just 5 weeks old when relative (an only child herself) told DH and me "whatever you do, don't make her an only child". Of course she had no idea that it had taken us 2 years of IUI and IVF and about 10 grand to conceive. I do know we had it pretty easy, really. We knew we couldn't do it naturally and went straight to fertility treatment but it was a rough enough ride that I never ever ask any woman whether she plans to have kids or why she doesn't have kids or anything like that.
I think relative now knows something of our history and she never now says anything about the fact that DD is an only child.

resipsa Fri 16-Nov-12 23:21:05

I'm in the tell no-one camp but that gets harder to do when you have a m/c cause people find out and then know your plan.

For me, the worst is "everything happens for a reason". I just want to scream but instead smile politely while internally raging.

redstrawberry Fri 16-Nov-12 23:48:54

I think I can take the comments on the chin - it's the pitying looks and pitying tone of voice that I hate when someone who knows you are trying asks you how is going. Or when some one announces their pregnancy they give you a pitying look and feel sorry for you having to sit there with a smile.

Worst one I ever had was "when are you making one?" It's not a bloody factory!

Also one of my sil who knows we are ttc - tried to give me her fertility meds to 'help' me- which I wanted to throw back in her face as we had only just started trying!!angry

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Fri 16-Nov-12 23:50:49

A close friend offered to be a surrogate. Which was weird, especially considering it's DH's sperm count that's the problem...

hels71 Sat 17-Nov-12 08:40:05

I did have one very insensitive person go on and on about when I was going to have a second child (following IVF miracle for first), I kind of muttered things at first along the lines of one day etc then finally gave up and said "When we have £5,000 for some more treatment and a miracle ...do you have either?" they have stopped mentioning it....

TigerseyeMum Sat 17-Nov-12 08:50:53

Mind you, I think I almOst feel worse about the fact that people no longer ask. Think I have reached an age where people don't even consider me having one sad

My old boss used to routinely ask the female staff if they were planning on having a baby as it would cause staff shortages but she never asked me....I was relieved and insulted in equal measure. Guess there's no pleasing me!

blondebaby111 Sat 17-Nov-12 09:23:32

I agree with every single one of you, another thing that really gripes me is the comment 'so not pregnant yet' or 'any news' if there's any bloody news to tell you'll the first to f**king know!!! I hate how insensitve people are and hate their pitying looks too...as u can tell I'm just fed up with the whole thing.
I suppose it doesn't get easier when you have a baby, as the same interferring people will then be telling the right and wrong way to bring up your baby!!
Sorry, I sound like a bitter old hag but after 5 years of comments and endless people around me getting pregnant I've had enough sad

LadyFlumpalot Sat 17-Nov-12 09:37:40

I'm glad for this thread - makes me realise I've said some of those things in the past, I'll think before I speak in the future.

It's not quite the same, but I've just miscarried, to which a friend said:

"Oh! You won't be doing the driving for the Xmas party then? Now that you can drink again."

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Sat 17-Nov-12 09:38:48

TTC 16 months ish for DS, and 28 for this one.

Comments I hated were :
Just relax
Pregnant yet?
You dont want him to be an only.

I started to respond to people and say actually because of XYZ we have no control over our fertility... I figured if they made me uncomfortable why should I dance around the truth?!

winkle2 Sat 17-Nov-12 13:51:23

What about if you say you're feeling tired or sick or anything that is remotely a symptom and you get 'ooh you might be pregnant'.

I thought we shouldn't be thinking about things too much or symptom spotting so why the fuck are you?!

cookiemonster100 Sat 17-Nov-12 15:37:49

Hi Ladies,

Worst thing said to me " ooh I could never do IVF,it would ruin my body".
Worst moment, My BIL and g/friend are due to have baby 1 soon and we were round there house when i got to see the nursery. I am genuinly excited for them and make sure i make alot of positive ooh and ahh noises to ensure i don't come across bitter and twisted. Because they care they asked me whilst in the nursery how were we and fertility treatments etc etc. Right approach wrong room / timing!

Great thread btw, because it shows we are not alone in this.

A question (slightly sidetracking), if anyone knows the answer. Why do parents put on their facebook status when their kid has done a poo in their nappy / potty or for another reason? Do i really need to know this?
CM x

cookie I hate those posts so much!! I also hate the "my children are doing my head in" posts!!!

ThatWayMadnessLies Sun 18-Nov-12 20:39:25

My mother takes the cake really:

Just after emergency surgery for a Fallopian abscess when I was moaning - "it's just like when I was pregnant with you....." erm.... NO, IT IS NOT THE SAME!!!

And in response to me asking what surgery my cousin (38 with no kids) just had - "she had a hysterectomy because of endometriosis". Don't try to sugarcoat it mum, I had only gotten my diagnosis a week before confused and after talking to other families it turns out that that wasn't the reason at all.

The best from a colleague who lives nearby - "when will you be having kids? Our street is the baby street you know. Everyone who moves in gets pregnant."

MissMedusa Mon 19-Nov-12 10:53:41

From a friend who knows we have been TTC for over a year and that there are medical reasons it isn't working out: talking about buying a new house "when you decide to start a family you'll want to have more bedrooms"

ArtemisTheHunter Mon 19-Nov-12 11:32:22

Wow, there are some right blinders on here. I've heard a few over the years. I've actually started to categorise them.

The 'your life is meaningless' line:
"You don't know what life is about until you've had kids", and the related "Why don't you have kids of your own, then you'll know what it's all about"
"We used to meet up occasionally but I let it drop because she hasn't got kids so she doesn't have anything to say" (said about a mutual friend by the biggest baby bore I know)

The moaning parent:
"It's OK for you, life must be so much easier because you don't have children" and variations thereon, particularly when I am doing something radical like going out for a drink

The age related:
"You'd better hurry up, you're not getting any younger, are you?"

The selfish career woman myth:
"Having a baby in your late 30s is so selfish"
"Of course, you've chosen to focus on your career, having a family can't have been important to you" (often implying you're a vapid money obsessed harridan)
"It's selfish of women to want to have babies when there are so many unwanted children who need a loving home" (last heard from someone with two biological children)

The 'why don't you':
"Are you sure you're having enough sex?"
"you could always try IVF" (like it's easy/cheap/guaranteed)
"You could always adopt" (ditto)
"I knew someone who tried [insert random idea here] and got pregnant straight away after 10 years of trying"
and of course the 'just relax' crap.

And I have actually had a colleague offer some of her husband's sperm hmm. That is not our problem so thankfully I was able to politely decline!

If i sound bitter it's probably because I am, a little bit! I know people want to say helpful things but unasked for advice is rarely a good thing under any circumstances. In my experience I would say don't volunteer an opinion or comment on someone's child free circumstances unless it's asked for. The most helpful response I've had from those few who do know about our struggle with infertility is just an acknowledgement that "This situation is shit and I'm sorry it's happening to you". A bit of sympathy and a hug goes a long way.

ah perfectly catagorised Artemis

Mythreeknights Mon 19-Nov-12 12:56:32

Hello everyone, it's been very humbling reading all of these awful posts...I am definitely guilty of saying the wrong thing at times (normally when unaware of a friend TTC and she asks about how hard or easy it was for me and I am honest about it, later I find out she is TTC and I don't know what to say, how to reach out to her because I feel I've been so insensitive), but my current issue is that I'm TTC for 3rd and my SIL is TTC for her first, and I have been waiting TTC for 5 months in the hope that she will get there first and I don't have to tell her I'm pg but I can't put it off (TTC) any longer. How would I tell her, what possible words could be ok in the circumstances IF I manage to and she hasn't yet? Advice please.

BraveLilBear Mon 19-Nov-12 13:06:17

What a fabulous thread. I am new in the TTC game, and I have a different angle to offer.

We decided that we had to tell my parents we were TTC because they need time to get used to the idea - my OH has a DS from previous, so his parents and important family members are nothing but supportive, thus we haven't felt the need to openly tell them.

Anyway. Finally got the nerve up to tell them and they both, independently (they're divorced), said:
'what, already?'
'are you eligible for maternity leave yet' and
'well, I never expected that'

For the record, I am 32, been with OH for 2 and a half years, we own a house together, and I had been in current job 6 months at the time (would have been eligible after about two weeks).

Other friends have been very supportive. Only one who lost points was, two days into an early miscarriage - she knew we were TTC and that I was devastated at loss - said 'you're not committed enough' because I had the audacity to enjoy a full caff coffee.

fossil97 Mon 19-Nov-12 13:11:13

I wouldn't have expected any of my friends to put off TTC or rearrange their lives becuase I was having trouble - I never conceived in about 8 years, my (fabulous) nephews and neices wouldn't have existed! Being disappointed every month didn't mean I wasn't pleased for them, in fact you almost appreciate more than they do how lucky they are.

It's a bit tough to hear a friend is pregnant but you get over it best if you hear it personally, they acknowledge it's a bittersweet thing to hear for you and they are sensitive to how much "baby" news you can cope with. Eventually I was OK to talk about pregnancies and go and cuddle their newborns because basically that was the nearest to it. The only thing I stil can't stick are baby showers!

Every infertile person is different and some people are very raw and sensitive, others more resigned and matter of fact. If you are a good mate they will appreciate your consideration, it's the random strangers that feel entitled to comment that get your goat! You don't always know people's circumstances so if you unwittingly put your foot in it, it's not really your problem, it's a private pain. But quite relieving to offload about it on threads like this - don't take it personally.

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Mon 19-Nov-12 13:23:31

Asking "when are you having another?", especially co workers! Like I'm about to announce we're ttc to anyone let lone work colleagues.

keepitgoing Mon 19-Nov-12 13:47:21

mythreeknights I am having difficulty conceiving, 16 months so far, but I would not want anyone to put off TTC because of me. My sister, an 'instadiff' for no 1, recently let me know she is about to TTC. While I got upset, I'm glad she warned me.

It depends on your relationship how you would tell her, and how she is. Some people would rather an email or something, so they have time to cry and not be blindsided and have to be immediately happy. Maybe give a hint like, 'can I come round, sth to tell you' so then when she sees you she can put on her happy face.

Artemis, you are very right in those classifications. I'm still not over my (adored and well meaning) 'that must be annoying and boring for you, but you'll get there'. Annoying and boring. No. Not exactly...

Happilymarried155 Mon 19-Nov-12 13:49:59

What a great thread, I have encountered all of the above comments and they really do tug at my heart, I didn't think you could put the pain of not being able to get pregnant into words but some of you have described it perfectly, it's great to know that I'm not the only person feeling this way.

Good luck to everyone smile

givemeaname Mon 19-Nov-12 16:07:22

Im nodding at all of these comments, we are now at month 20 ttc our first, and facing IVF as the next step. We have told a select few people but still get comments like,
'are you pregnant yet?'
'Just relax' - this has to be in the top 3 worst things to say!
'i know how you feel' - err no you dont!
'get pissed'
'use ovulation kits' - durr you really dont think after 20 months i haven't thought of this?! have been using them after the first 6 months!
'Take folic acid'
I also take offence now at flippant remarks regarding assisted conception. All the god do gooders that say its unnatural and its against the will of nature/god etc....my reply to this now is....so if you had cancer i would presume then you would not have treatment? afterall - its going against the will of nature! Natural selection and all that! that stops people in their tracks.
Infertility is a medical problem that can be treated so why should we not treat it! and dont make us feel bad about treating it!

Librarina Mon 19-Nov-12 16:23:54

If it's any consolation, it's not any easier talking about TTC once you are pregnant (actually, it's probably not, is it?)

I've finally got lucky after well over a year trying, and that's all it was for me, luck. It's not something we did right one day that we'd been doing wrong all of the other days and it makes all the months of trying and disapointment all the more confusing. It also mixes up the happy feelings with a lot of other emotions which are hard to process.

We didn't tell many people that we were TTC, and I'm glad really as I found 'helpful' comments quite hurtful. The people who said to me 'It'll happen for you' were told quite clearly that it really might not. And if it didn't we would be sad, but we would survive. It was made even more sensitive for me in that my Mum was treated for infertility for 8 years before being told that it was never going to happen - then when she stopped trying I did indeed appear, so she is that woman.

I feel so sad for my lovely friend who started the TTC journey at the same time as I did but doesn't have her BFP yet. I feel guilty that I had to tell her my news and sensitive to her feelings as I want her to feel the same happiness I do, but am horribly aware that she may never do so, no matter how much I want it. I try to limit my baby talk to her, but I also remember that when I was trying I did have to keep telling myself that there weren't a finite amount of babies to go around and someone else having a baby didn't reduce the chance of me getting mine.

Misowok Mon 19-Nov-12 17:04:33

A group of women I was with (didn't know well) were talking about babies, TTC, etc. One shared that she had been TTC for 12 months. I had too at that point, and said so. She said "yeah, but when you say you've been TTC for 12 months, have you REALLY?"

Wtf?? Erm... Yes. And prior to that I have had 3 miscarriages and a stillbirth. I didn't tell her that though.

So you can get stupid comments from all sorts of unexpected places!

DuelingFanjo Mon 19-Nov-12 17:07:32

yeah - 'relax' is just pants.

As is 'I knew a woman who gave up trying/had a new kitchen fitted/went on holiday and got pregnant after 7 years of trying'

also - never say to someone who has had fertility problems but finally had a baby 'you'll probably get pregnant really quickly next time' ... oh yeah, because being pregnant through IVF is a cure for infertility now is it?

winkle2 Mon 19-Nov-12 17:37:38

Agree Sparkle!!

cookiemonster100 Mon 19-Nov-12 21:37:13

Love the categories Artemis!!!

Another situation: on the odd occasion I need to get a lift into work from a colleage who lives a few doors up. She knows we are going for IVF in a few months. So on EVERY occasion she goes on about her SIL who is pg with their honeymoon baby, her sister who who got pg by mistake. And then proceeds to tell me she sympathises with me as her best friend had clomid babies WTF.
Rant over ( AF due any mo and feeling like a rant....)

Princessishavingababyboo Mon 19-Nov-12 21:38:55

Wow, great thread Sparks we heard a whole lot of these while ttc, also a lot of 'come on I really want a new grandchild' (my mum) I just asked what was wrong with the ones she already had? I also heard 'this is just nature's way, it will happen when it's right' no it's not nature's way, it is long and cruel and emotional! Glad to get that off my chest, thank you sparks smile

<cheery wave to the rat smackers>

Happy to help geek

I tell you what really really bugs me about the relax school of thought, you can't just say right I'm going to relax, and if someone tells you to relax there's absolutely no way you can!!!

In theory this baby is a 'relax' baby because we weren't actually focused on TTC the month we finally conceived BUT I had a gazillion other things going on (work etc) hence the reason we'd but the breaks on! There was no 'relaxing' involved!!!

stookiesackhouse Mon 19-Nov-12 22:39:57

I had a date at the weekend and was helpfully advised by a drunk 'friend', "don't be settling for him if he's not right just for the sake of a baby" and also felt the need to add 'having a baby isn't the be all and end all you know, you can still have a lovely life without kids'.

I am 35. My relationship ended in August due to exP's cheating. She knew ttc was on the cards and I was hoping to be pg this year sad

The advice wasn't asked for or wanted. Why do people feel the need to spout it?

clattypatty Tue 20-Nov-12 00:42:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScillyCow Tue 20-Nov-12 00:49:13

Oh yes. I remember these.

We ttc for 7 years, had 4 miscarriages including one of twins and an ectopic.

Like Kitstwins, we eventually had our 'miracle twins', who are now 3.

I could have fucking killed everyone who said 'just relax and it will happen'.

Good luck to all of you.

Brodicea Tue 20-Nov-12 11:05:44

My knob-end alcoholic ex emailing to say his girlfriend was pregnant, by 'accident': 'it was surprisingly easy to get pregnant'.... while me and my lovely man are actually trying with no trickery on my part
Good luck to them both hmm

Brodicea Tue 20-Nov-12 11:06:31

the trickery being my bitter conjecture: it might be a proper accident....

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Tue 20-Nov-12 14:54:47

I'd forgotten my mother saying 'Any news?' every month for months on end. Gah.

I did have someone say something lovely - I finally broke down at work and my boss and I had a chat and a hug. He said that his DD was conceived via IVF and he was amazingly supportive. They didn't tell people about how she was conceived because they'd heard all of the above.

MrsTwinks Tue 20-Nov-12 19:14:32

Not been TTC as long as some, but I've got some brilliant ones ... angry

my bitch mum has straight out called me barren. No sugar coating, straight out "the fact you've not had children let makes me very concerned you're barren"

one "friend", knowing I had just has MC#1 told me i could talk to her any time as she knew what it was like. Her knowing what it was like to lose a much wanted baby was having a termination at 23 weeks out of choice. Just slightly different love

DH's mates talking about how crap it was their DP's were pregnant, when all we want is to be.

MIL constantly making gleeful whoops when I refuse a glass of wine. Last time was after MC#2 (we hadnt said anything after MC#1) and I went so postal at her I don't think she'll do it again just in case.

Oh and not exactly the expected tone... but not knowing I'm TTC the amount of nasty remarks aimed at a pregnant co-worker (All about the fact she dare be pregnant) I hear from my boss is kinda messed up.

MissSlapAndTipple Tue 20-Nov-12 19:17:47

Yesterday someone on a fertility forum had the balls to say 'you just need to RELAX, stress is the biggest problem preventing pregnancy'. What a fucktard.

DownTheRabidHole Tue 20-Nov-12 19:49:35

Relax bollocks my arse. I eventually conceived the day I moved house into a tiny flat, lived on petrol station food and Marlboro and was sued for a hideous amount of money.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Tue 20-Nov-12 20:03:52

DH's best man told DH he was jaffa. Bastard.

MissSlapAndTipple Tue 20-Nov-12 20:21:37

I knew the way to get pregnant was to start smoking and drinking blue label cider by the litre, topped up with maccie D's

twinks the wine thing!!!!!!
My SIL has said to me before "you're drinking then? Nothing to tell me"

Oooooooh and another one
The not so discreet belly glance like just by looking at me you'd be able to tell what was going on!!!
The most memorable one was mrsparks uncle, we'd not been together long and he made a big deal of looking at me from the side to see if I was showing (we weren't even trying), he declared it was a bit of a disappointment!!!! Really really bad thing is we were at mrsparks grandmothers funeral, the uncles mother!!!

Bearface Tue 20-Nov-12 23:29:58

My heart goes out to all of you on here. I get really sad if I think about DH never being a dad. sad

I'm sure I've said insensitive things in the past when I was younger and stupid, so I tend to forgive people if they're a bit younger for being ignorant.

The worst thing that happened to me was being in the pub with co-workers and someone announcing to the whole group that my boss was reluctant to give me a job because she was trying to find out from everyone if I was pregnant or if I was planning to be; if I was, she didn't want to give me the job. How true it was, I don't know. Totally illegal on her part if it was and a whole conversation with my fertility as the focus ensued. To say I felt uncomfortable was an understatement. Perhaps even worse, it came up again at the pub a few weeks later. I stopped going to the pub in the end.

We also had FIL say to DH and I over dinner with him and MIL: 'You get to a certain age when there's something missing from your life if you haven't had children. ' We both mumbled and changed the subject.

Maybe we should also include on here other things that get on your wick while TTC? I now can't watch One Born Every Minute and I have just seethed my way through 15 Kids and Counting - why I didn't turn it off I don't know. Won't be watching that one again. It's not that I hate everyone else who has children. Other people have captured it really well on here when they've said it's just so painful and raw, and it never seems to go away.

Hugs to everyone on here.

WholeLottaRosie Wed 21-Nov-12 17:35:44

I know it's already been mentioned lots up-thread but "Have you thought about adoption?" is my favourite. I want to reply "No, we haven't, but what a great idea! thanks so much!"

Other gems:
"Do you want to borrow my husband? He has a massive cock and I'm sure he'd get you knocked up straightaway"

"You must be doing something wrong"

"If you don't mind I won't be coming round any more, my boys get bored at your house because you don't have children for them to play with" (said by a friend who I'd known since the age of eight)

"Be glad you don't have any, my DD has really been playing me up today"

FrankelDeBeauvoir Wed 21-Nov-12 18:26:48

"It'll be your turn next!" is another one that really gets me. I've often felt like replying "Really?! So you know about some hitherto undiscovered leap in medical science that will solve all my problems?"

FrankelDeBeauvoir Wed 21-Nov-12 18:32:00

A great Tweet from actor Zach Braff this afternoon:

@zachbraff: When a relative asks you an annoying question, say "Sorry, I briefly blacked out and went to a world where you minded your own business."

winkle2 Wed 21-Nov-12 22:43:59

Rosie - you're friend saying your house was boring, what a fucking bitch

GladitsnotJustMe Thu 22-Nov-12 15:39:24

Having lurked for ages, I just had to register so I could make my first post on this thread - Thank you all for cheering me up, some genuine LOL moments on here!

When trying to come to terms with the idea of being childless (DP has had vasectomy, recently agreed to have it reversed) I talked about all of the things that are good in our life, to help me see the positives.. then was told (by my sister, who has 2 kids) "Oh well it sounds like you don't really want kids then"....

Yeah, we're considering having surgery just for fun!

Also, friend who NEVER wanted kids, but now has 2, with 3rd on the way "Oh count yourself lucky, we're so jealous of you being able to go on a lovely holiday"

Or from myself - while watching Countryfile where they showed them testing the heifers, and saying that those that had never bred were sent away. Apparently they get sent for pet food, so DP said maybe we should start offering them a home (he's a softie) - I said yeah, great, a home for Barren Heifers, I'll fit right in! smile

WholeLottaRosie Thu 22-Nov-12 19:31:25

Winkle - thanks smile when she said it I was so shocked I didn't really say anything back but it upset me for ages afterwards. Needless to say I've not been in contact with her since!

glad loving fact this thread inspired your first post!!!

GladitsnotJustMe Thu 22-Nov-12 21:25:10

smile Well it's good to laugh about it eh! Might venture into the serious threads at some point....

Mibby Thu 22-Nov-12 22:19:41

Lots of sympathy to those on here who are ttc, its hard enough in itself without stupid, insensitive remarks from the mouth-open-brain-asleep brigade

DH wanted to get married before we started ttc so we did. 2 weeks after the honeymoon he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Needless to say things had to be put on hold for a while! I put up with three office pregnancies while he went thru surgery and chemo with endless comments of " itll be your turn next/ soon/ thought youd be pregnant by now" which made me furious or horribly miserable depending on the day.
Once the treatment was done we were told to wait a year before ttc to ensure the chemo hadnt affected the sperms genetics and to get a healthy baby. I was really shocked at the number of people who told us to 'ignore the drs' and 'just get on with it'. Clearly they know better than a Reproductive Consultant in Oncology with 20 years experience!

Heartofgoldheadofcabbage Wed 28-Nov-12 16:15:56

Or from myself - while watching Countryfile where they showed them testing the heifers, and saying that those that had never bred were sent away. Apparently they get sent for pet food, so DP said maybe we should start offering them a home (he's a softie) - I said yeah, great, a home for Barren Heifers, I'll fit right in! GINJM brilliant!
I have lurked forever on MN and avoided for a long while after getting obsessed and on ther verge of breakdown dwelling on the conception/pregnancy pages (3 years trying and counting)
I am at my desk wiping tears of pain AND laughter.
THANK YOU ALL for sharing especially the description of "grey pain and rage that runs right though you" (or words to that effect). My sister announced (...on my birthday no less!!) that she is 14 weeks with her third but not sure what to do...my other sister said "oh just have it and give it to Cabbage"!!!...this has messed with my head more than anything!

Heartofgoldheadofcabbage Wed 28-Nov-12 16:21:21

...Can I just point out that my sisters are the most supportive and caring sisters anyone could ever have; they have consoled me and been there for me and normally get is spot on with saying the right things....I guess the above is an example of how a throw away comment can hurt!!!sad

MissLToeishavingsantasbabyboo Wed 28-Nov-12 16:37:52

Hi Cabbage and anyone else who is ttc, have you seen the brookers threads? A lovely place to get ttc support, advice, off load and anything else you could imagine. pop over and say hi we might even tell you what rat smacking means wink

Merida Thu 29-Nov-12 17:39:03

We'd been trying six months when DB announced (aged 19 at the time) - 'We're having a baby, oops'
DStep-sis one year later (also aged 19 at the time) - I'm pregnant, no it wasn't planned'.
Nine months later after both nephews had arrived - 'Would you hurry up and get on with it so I cam start buying pink?'

Merida Thu 29-Nov-12 17:42:19

*Dsis asked 'Would you hurry up and get on with it so I can start buying pink?'

Bearface Tue 04-Dec-12 16:22:59

I had my GP the other day saying 'You'd better get a move on'. Won't post all the responses that ran through my head . . .

SantasLittleControlGeek Tue 04-Dec-12 18:23:28

...and I just have to add what was said to me today by a colleague who needs to go on a 'How to engage brain before opening gob' course in general, not just with this comment

"You've done the right thing not having kids, my advice is leave it til you're 60 - they're such a nightmare, there's days I wish I'd never had mine."

MrsSnow Tue 04-Dec-12 21:46:40

Been ttc for 7 years, 2 ops, 1 mc, 1 failed ivf.

Absolutely hate:
Relax
Being told by other people so sad that my mother won't be a grandmother - if I could do something I would.
Asking if I was on the pill!!!
Take up a hobby

This thread is fantastic.

deliasmithy Wed 05-Dec-12 11:11:52

When work colleagues start going on at me, I get incredibly sarcastic, give them my GPs contact details, offer them my phone to call OH and tell them my pant size and when I last dtd, etc, until they back away.
It's cut the crap right down!

I still get told I should move desks because there is a pregnancy ley line in the office rolls eyes

francesdrake Wed 05-Dec-12 11:15:01

I think the worst thing about not/having babies is it feels as if your relationship is in a huge shop window for everyone to peer at. DH and I spent 2 years TTC, and the associated stresses of having sex on demand for that time, and 'failing' to get pregnant, along with a lot of other stuff, basically killed that side of our marriage stone dead. Now we get lots of helpful comments like 'have you thought about IVF?' and 'why don't you both relax?' and I just want to shout, 'there's nothing wrong with me, we just don't ever have sex anymore!'

This is particularly true of my MIL. Don't ask questions that you don't want to hear the answer to.

francesdrake Wed 05-Dec-12 11:16:36

(I know 2 years is absolutely nothing compared with some people, but TTC really exacerbated a lot of other issues...)

TigerseyeMum Wed 05-Dec-12 12:34:07

I'm wondering if the newly-upduffed royals are going to trigger lots of stupid comments. I'm not sure, in our 3rd year of ttc that I can stand 9 months blow by blow account of maternity clothes and baby names, and the resulting office chatter.

BottleRed76 Wed 05-Dec-12 14:28:40

I love this thread.
The mythical person who adopted and then got pregnant!! So funny!

I had a cracker yesterday at work from colleague who used an example of her friend who had IVF and then had an awful pg with complications to back up her claim that maybe this was natural selection! The argument being that without medical intervention they would not have been able to reproduce and maybe the pg illness was a sign that they weren't meant to!! FFS!!
I didn't bite......unlike the time she wondered how female rugby players would be able to get boyfriends as who would fancy them???

At an away-course a friend of mine mentioned to the course twat that both her children were adopted. He responded that he was incredibly fertile!!!

I've been at it about a year, which includes 2 MCs and I get a lot of 'relax' and 'take a holiday' also 'just stop trying and it will happen'.
The comments I get from friends are mainly to not put too much pressure on myself ttc etc etc, It's well meant but they can't really understand. It's not a switch on/off thing is it?

Oh, and if I hear HG referred to one more time as 'bad morning sickness' I will pop! I had a friend who suffered with this and it was horrendous.

Rant over.... now why don't we all just 'relax' and let nature take it's course? wink

Morien Wed 05-Dec-12 17:26:34

Wonderful thread! I was feeling down because AF has come today - feel much better now.

We've only been ttc for about 6 months; we didn't plan to tell anyone but I had a MC which we told (some) people about. Actually I've told lots of people about my MC, mainly virtual strangers although the odd friend too - it's become my response of choice when people ask whether helping parent DP's children has made me broody/made me regret never having 'my own' (the assumption being that at 40 I've had it). I'm quite private, and I used to just evade the issue; now I look them in the eye and say very calmly, 'actually I had a miscarriage in August' and watch them squirm. I'm not a vindictive person, but if you insist on being so bloody nosy, be prepared for the answer grin

(The problem is that that then leads on to all the stupid things people say about MC, but that's another thread!)

Another of my favourites, again connected to DP's (wonderful) children: 'can't you just pretend they're your adopted children?' Er, but they're not my adopted children, are they? And they already have a mother, with whom they spend half their time...

SantaBearface Fri 14-Dec-12 17:11:12

My friend who I love dearly said the other day, 'Oh yes, it was literally first time trying for me with both of them. I know that we're really lucky, but how can you be so lucky twice over?' Beats me; I'm so unlucky in that respect!

Bodice Fri 14-Dec-12 18:37:08

This thread is cheering me up after my second miscarriage! I don't know if I qualify commenting as I have got pregnant. But I am the last of my circle friends to be childless so I have had a few gems.

You need not not try so hard - you will get pregnant when you stop trying -really? so I should avoid having sex during my most fertile days as that would be trying too hard! Perhaps I should use a condom?
For the record both times I did get pregnant - albeit unsuccessfully in the end -were when we were trying really hard - so that is a load of shite!

My friend said she had had sex 9 days in a row (believe me this is not like her) but when she got pregnant insisted she wasn't trying.

Another pregnant friend, after I had bought myself some new clothes as a treat after my second MC, started to winge that at least I could buy nice clothes as she couldn't buy anything at the moment. She did realise what she was saying and check herself.

Bodice Fri 14-Dec-12 19:04:06

Also I hate facebook. Thinking if leaving it altogether. Even my closest friends who are incredibly supportive still post a pic of their cute baby in a reindeer outfit straight after spending the day comforting me after MC. Rahh!

totallynaive Sat 15-Dec-12 16:32:04

I actually think the worst thing was going to ivf clinics that had photos of happy smiling babies/successful couples holding them blown up all over the walls. Yes, it's nice that they get results, but mortifying for you if you're sitting there waiting trying not to stress and truly not believing your chances are up to much.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Sat 15-Dec-12 17:16:23

I feel really bad now, I realise I have said some of these in the past. sad

Frankelstein Sat 15-Dec-12 17:38:34

Not a "worst thing to say", but why is it that they always hold fertility consultations in the bloody maternity section of the hospital? angry I'm lucky that I've now been referred on to the specialist infertility clinic which is on a separate site, but having to sit in a waiting room full of pregnant women during my first few appointments was soul destroying.

At my last appointment there I couldn't stop crying, the pregnant woman sat opposite me got up and moved - I didn't mean to make her feel bad/uncomfortable but I felt so utterly wretched sat there surrounded by what I can't seem to have sad

kazzaq Sat 15-Dec-12 18:23:55

Unfortunate comment to me whilst being wheeled to surgery to remove my ectopic pregnancy. Porter: So how many kids do you have? Me: none this would have been my 1st. U dumbass....

Engelsemama Mon 17-Dec-12 17:33:45

People constantly asking if/when you're having kids is horrible. I had that from the moment I moved in with DH from the ILs (ALL of his cousins have DCs). At first (when we weren't ttc) it was just annoying and embarrassing, but when we were unsuccessfullly ttc it was heartbreaking.

People asking if you're pregnant when you're not and desperately want to be (also really fucking rude!)

A colleague asking me, "What's wrong with your face?" (suffering from terrible acne having stopped taking the pill and being unable to take most of the stuff the GP was recommending as an alternative, because we were ttc).

When we started ttc (and didn't tell anyone) DH stupidly and without asking me told BIL and SIL that we would take all of their baby furniture when they were done with it for their 2. I told DH that I didn't want it in the house as we had no idea if we could conceive or not and I thought it would be bad luck.

After 18mths ttc and 2 weeks after a mc (which no one but us and our best friends knew about) SIL said to 3yo DN on Boxing Day in front of me, and ILs not PA at all "Engels and Mr Engels need to hurry up and have a baby don't they? Then we can clear out our loft." Cue little DN chorusing, "Yes Engels! Hurry up!"

Fair enough we hadn't told her we were ttc. But it still really upsets me now and may explain why SIL and I are not that close

And when I did get pg a month or so later and told me boss: "You didn't plan that very well, did you. If you'd planned it a month earlier you could have had the baby in the summer holidays " (I work in a school) Which is exactly when I would have had a baby if I hadn't had a mc.

I think that until you have been through ttc and struggled with it, you don't really have a clue.

The reason I didn't tell my DM we were ttc was that I knew she wouldn't be able to resist asking, "Any news?" every time we talked and I just couldn't face it.

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