Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

(993 Posts)
RainboxFX Thu 11-Oct-12 09:22:12

A shiny new thread in memory of our angels. To bring us all BFPs, sticky beans and healthy happy Rainbows.

Ellypoo Thu 11-Oct-12 09:31:52

Thanks for the new thread rainbox and thanks moomins for the old one.

Huge congrats little - that's fantastic news, here's to a sticky bean & a very uneventful next 9 months! How many weeks are you, do you know?

wtw, great news about Holly, so pleased she's doing well, and i hope your doc is helpful and understanding that you are all over the place at the moment. I hope that the jabs go ok tomorrow. Re the coil, quite a few of my friends have had them after having babies, and most of them have got on with it ok.

Found out last night that my uncle (Mum's brother) has got lung cancer. So shaken, I feel so bad for him - his son died in a car accident a few years ago, he's been single for decades, and now this - he's already really depressed following my cousin's death. He is having a full body CT scan on Tuesday so they should find out if it's spread anywhere - hopefully not, and then they need to find out what type he has so that they can decide treatment. It's just so horrid, he's such a lovely guy.

Beautiful thread title rainbox thankyou for the new thread may it bring lots more BFP's for us still hoping and uneventful pg's for us still carrying and lots of support for all of us.
Thanks moomins for the old thread.

So sad I had to get the old crochet hook out again last night after the sad news of another mumsnetter whose baby died of SIDS. So sad. I'm hoping the woollyhug will give her warmth in the coming months.

blizy Thu 11-Oct-12 10:05:23

Thank you for the new thread rainbox, I love the title. Let's hope this thread brings us what we wish for. Thanks for the old thread Moomins.

Elly- so sorry to hear about your uncle, I hope it hasn't spread and they can do something for him. X

Be back later, baby mindee is just asleep, I'm of to enjoy a cuppa in peace!

KleinePoppet Thu 11-Oct-12 10:15:09

Oh a lovely new thread! Thank you so much rainbox. Also thanks to moomins for the old one, and I hope you are doing ok?

little many many congratulations! I am so pleased for you. Go right ahead and do some excited whooping if you feel you can - it IS lovely news, despite all the worry and stress etc - so, don't be afraid to seize those moments of happiness in amongst it all.

elly I am so sorry for your uncle, it is spectacularly unfair. I hope so much that the cancer is contained and can be 'easily' treated. A good friend of ours had lung cancer last year so I have a little knowledge of what a hideous time this is. Do you live nearby, will you be able to help at all?

fan that's so sad sad Bless you for contributing to the woolly hug. I have just started knitting again, and am hoping to learn to crochet at some stage too, so maybe one day I'll be able to contribute as well.

Love to all xx esp angel, I hope yesterday passed as easily as possible xx

Thank you for the new thread, Rainbox!

Little, congratulations! So pleased for you. Wishing you a straightforward pg and a very wriggly bean.

Elly, so sorry to hear about your uncle.

I was talking to a close friend who is 37 weeks pg last night and she told me that she had a scare 3 weeks ago - she was at the community MW for a routine appt and the MW couldn't find the hb and sent her to the hospital (45 mins drive). sad Luckily the baby turned out to be okay after she was put on the trace, but the fright she had! Other people's pregnancies are so scary too - I want her baby to be born healthy and well soon, so that any chance of things going wrong is over! She also had an incident of reduced movement last week and went in for another trace. She's not sure if she's just overreacting because of what happened to me and Thea, but what if she isn't and there is something wrong? <panics by proxy>

Rainbox thanks for the new thread! Lovely title indeed! Moomins thanks for the old one! x

oh Elly so sorry for your uncle, it is such a horrible disease... we were so lucky my mum got through breastcancer...

Had my consultant appointment this morning with scan and review, scan was all fine, baby measuring perfect for gestation 34+4 weeks (even with my small bump wink) Sonographer still couldn't be 100% sure of girl, although she said she saw something that looked like girly bits...
Saw registrar afterwards, think my consultant was busy. He hadn't bothered reading my notes so was a bit insensitive... But most importantly, I was released to midwife led care and got the go ahead for a home birth smile very very pleased!
Now still trying to sort out the silly whooping cough vaccine with my doctor's surgery...

little would you mind me sharing your good news on the November thread? or would you rather wait a bit longer? I understand completely whichever you want, or even if you don't want to share. x

Hi ladies,

I set up a thread about Pregnancy Loss Awareness week and Wave of Light here I've reported it and asked it to become a sticky one, to raise more awareness!


Ellypoo Thu 11-Oct-12 13:54:18

Thanks blue - it isn't a sticky at the moment, but I have just posted on it. Fantastic news that you have been released to MW care, that's fab news for your HB!!!

Too, I'm so sorry that your friend had a scare, and thank goodness that the baby was ok. I'm sure she will have your experience with Thea will be on her mind, but that isn't a bad thing if it means that she goes to the MW with any concerns that she has, particularly about movements etc. It is always better to be safer by being cautious than just ignoring & risking it.

Oh fan, that's awful about the MN'r whose baby has died, so sad - you are truly lovely for making a square for the woolhug (love that name - I want one!) for her xxx

amyboo Thu 11-Oct-12 14:23:48

Sorry I haven't had time to read the thread much. Been consumed with worry and work for the last few weeks. Life is certainly hectic at the moment. Just had my 12 week scan today, at 12+4. Baby was looking fine, heart beating away - we saw his legs and arms kicking away.... Only bad thing is that he was in a funny position, so the gynae couldn't see the nasal bone. And, the nuchal fold meaasurement has come back at just above the limit. He took 3 measurements at 2.47mm, 3.2mm and 3.2mm. He said there wasn't much point doing the blood tests, but we've decided to do them anyway, as we'd like to have some more information to base our decisions on. The gynae is recommending an amniocentrisis at 16 weeks. If it came back positive and we decided to abort, I'd have to give birth, just like I did with my lovely little DS2. Am now terrified about the results. And about the thought of waiting. And about the potential decision we might have to take. I never had anything approaching borderline measurements with my other pregnancies - we didn't see DS1's nasal bone either, but the nuchal fold measurement was so low they were happy.

Hoping and praying that everything turns out OK, but I just can't help that feel that with mine and DH's recent luck, everything will go wrong. Am in tears about it all, as I just wanted to be able to tell my close friends and family.

Sorry for such a self-centred post.

amyboo Thu 11-Oct-12 14:24:17

Sorry, the measurements should have been 2.7mm, 3.2mm and 3.2mm, not 2.47mm.

Oh Amy, I'm so sorry you've got this to worry about too. If it's any help at all, I went through the same thing with Maia. I can't remember what her nuchal measurement was, but that combined with the blood test (PAPP-A, I think) gave her a ratio of 1:10 chance of Down's. I had the amnio at 16 weeks and she turned out to be fine. I'm hoping and praying that your little one will be fine too. I know just how horrible and scary it is for you right now - I felt sick the whole time. DH and I did decide in the end that we would probably abort if it was Down's, but I am so glad that we never had to make that decision for real. I'm here for hand-holding whenever you want to talk, and feel free to ask me any questions about the whole process.

Blue, yay for your home birth! Sorry the registrar was insensitive, though.

Amy, don't know if you've come across it already, but MN has a section devoted to things like this here.

Ellypoo Thu 11-Oct-12 15:37:20

Oh too, I'm sorry you are going through such a worrying time - you really shouldn't have to after everything else, it's just not fair.

Ellypoo Thu 11-Oct-12 15:40:17

I have just come across this poem & wanted to share - you may well have seen it before, but here it is anyway:

What a Grieving Mother Really Feels....

Hello old friend, Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please, don’t look away
And change the subject, It’s ok.

You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk, come sit with me?

You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.

But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me.. My child! My child!
The horror of reality.

But everyone has moved on, you see,
Everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.

My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.

“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say--
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.

And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

This was courtesy of Sweet Dreams Our Angels, on Facebook.

Little9 Thu 11-Oct-12 17:50:46

Thanks everyone. Will definitely need the hand holding. Have already got the tiredness but too early for anything else - only 4 weeks. OMG, so far to go!!! Got a Drs appointment on Monday so will find out what happens this time round. Midwives said I would be on consultant led care but not sure what that entails yet.

Thank you Rainbow for the new thread. I'll start the next one if someone gives me a gentle nudge when the time comes.

Blue - Daisy's due date was 3rd November so a few weeks to go yet. Not sure what I'll do but think I'll definitely be taking the day off work. If you feel the November thread would be interested, then please share away.

wtw - good news on the biopsy. One of my friends had the coil fitted (sorry don't know what sort) and she got on with it ok.

I'd like to join the secret FB group if it's still going. Can someone let me know what I do, please?

Will post again, when I have caught up with the last thread!

AngelGeorgie Thu 11-Oct-12 18:20:36

Congrats Little xxx like you my dates are/ were v close.. Georgie was born 10/10/10 & Phebs 18/10/11. Very hard but so worth it in the end xxx
Elly sorry about your uncle .... Xxx
Kleine thanks I m ok today xxxx hope u re ok?
Blue yeh ..... For midwife led delivery & good appt xxx
amy sorry you re having a crap time. I never had the triple test with either Phebs or Georgie as knew there was an increased risk with my age ( was 38/40) .... Didn't want to be in the position where I had to make that decision. Hope u get some good news soon xxx
Hi all; I m ok , yesterday was hard, draining & sad.... Tried to have an early night but to no avail !!!!!phebs teething like mad!!!! So no sleep at all... Hard day at work; lots of crap so knackered now!!!!
Love to all xxxxgrin

little I think your pregnancy must be a sign from my Sterre... Her due date was also 3rd November, last year and now you're due on her birthday smile
pm me your real name and I'll see if i can find you and add you to the group

Lovely new thread rainbox smile

Thank you Elly I'm so sorry about your uncle. Bastard bloody cancer sad

Great news Blue homebirth on then? smile You are so close now xx

Bless you Too I find other people's pregnancies stressful too. Especially when I think they're being to blasé

Fan you are so lovely contributing your woolly skills again. So sad sad Cot death is my current big big fear. Can i still be your donor? Do you want to choose some wool, let me know and I'll get it sent to you?

Oh Amy big big hugs. It's such a hideously scary time. Have they booked you in for another scan?

My lovely little Holly was a brave girl with her jabs today. She's a bit out of sorts tonight so we're snuggled under our woolly hug. Off to Harry Potter Studio Tour tomorrow. Can't wait grin

Love to all xxx

Ellypoo Thu 11-Oct-12 20:21:10

little am totally here for handholding - I'm now 9+4, and I'm completely with you being terrified! Am also consultant led, although I haven't seen my consultant yet - maybe after 12 wk scan (2 wks today), but iv had 2 early scans already because I had some spotting and was so scared it had all gone wrong. I hope it goes well at your GP appt and that you can get referred for an early scan for reassurance.

wtw, forgot to say, great news about the biopsy too!

Thanks for your comments about my uncle - he only lives 1/2 hour away so we will be around to help him and keep him company, and my mum will be round with him too, it's just really horrid sad

angel, I hope that you can sleep better tonight, it must be so draining x
Hope everyone is ok xxx

Thanks for the new thread Rainbox smile
Congratulations on your BFP little9 that's fab!
Elly I'm so sorry about your unccle, what shocking news. How is he taking it? Love that poem by the way.
Well done with Holly's jabs wtw. It is horrid, but I always remind myslf that it's me getting in a tiz beforehand, the baby's have none of the anticipation fear.
angel arrrgh to the teething. Here's to a better night <crosses fingers, toes, the lot!>
amy I feel for you, such a stressful time. I didn't have the screening, I didn't want to be faced with the choice and couldn't accept the risk of mc from the amnio. Hoping all is well in there xx
blue great news on your hb!
fan that poor mother, how lovely you are.

So tired here. I think it's the aftermath of Bobbie's birthday & the build up. Just drained. I keep telling myself thaht I have to now take the deep breath and get back out into the world and carry on with normal life. I'm been a bit hermitty over the last couple of weeks. But I don't really want to, I feel very withdrawn, tired, not interested, and just very different to everyone else. Need a kick up the arse!! It's not fair on Freya to be holed up at home either!

Ack, just re read my post. Tge bit to wtw should of course say babies not baby's. <Disgusted at apostrophe misuse. Disgusted I tell ye!>

<disgusted at Spilt and her misuse of apostrophes> grin

I feel all dirty grin

Babyh200 Thu 11-Oct-12 22:08:43

Thank you for the lovely new thread RAINBOX hope your ok lovely lady xxx

Little: Congratulations on your BFP lovely lovely news x

Elly: So sorry about your uncle. Thinking of you....try not to get too stressed you need to look after yourself xxxx

AMY: So sorry your having tough obstacles to face with your rainbow. Sending you big hugs and lots of love xxxx

Too: Sorry about your friends scare but glad shes keeping alert with babies movements xxxx

Fan: Read about MY5 : ( Dexter was such a beautiful boy and the blanket will be full of love your so thoughtful xxxxx

Angel: Sorry your feeling crappy...hope your lucky and get a nice sleep tonight x

Blue: Great news about the homebirth my J was born November 20thxxxxx

Whatever: Hope Holly is ok after those nasty jabs!! Enjoy the HP tour tommorrow : ) we went on the Forbidden Journey in Florida this year it was amazing, have fun xx

Split: Grief is so exhausting. Sending happy vibes your way and hoping your ready to face the world again soon xxxxx

Sorry if I missed anyone. Brain frazzled a bit tonight. Need to start getting organised for our half term trip it takes me ages to pack!!!

blizy fx for today.

wtw that would be lovely, I shall pm pistey to say I have a donor. I shall pm you to wtw.

AngelGeorgie Fri 12-Oct-12 06:35:41

Blizy hope it goes ok today xxx
BabyH thanks xxx some more sleep here she slept from 10-3 then disrupted sleep since so an improvement!!!! Enjoy your break ... Where you going?
So glad it's the weekend ; time to sleep, sleep, sleep!!! God, this weather is depressing & crap , can t believe this time last week I was in shorts & vest now I m back in my boots sad
Roll on summer grin
Managed to blag another AL day next week so off Thurs & Fri so makes it another short week. Thankfully, as too tired to do long stretches at the moment!!!
Love to all xxx

AngelGeorgie Fri 12-Oct-12 06:42:08

Wtw glad Holly was ok .. Phebs is usually just grizzly enough for 1 dose of Calpol ,sleeps a couple of hours then ok.. Xxx
Spilt think the anniversaries are so hard.. It's very conflicting emotions isn r it? I thank god I ve got Phebs but try & seperate my emotions to " give" some time to Georgie as I feel guilty she's not here to live her life... Try & get out , even if just for a walk in the rain it ll lift you slightly. I guess , in a way, that's why works good because I have to go , I ve no choice & most times once I m there I ve friends to talk about Georgie & laugh & cry with ... See a friend or something to try & lift you ... Xxxx
Elly yes it is totally knackering I can t remember the last uninterrupted nights sleep we had ... I think it's payback as a baby she slept well.. It's like chinense water torture.. wink hope u re ok?

KleinePoppet Fri 12-Oct-12 09:32:23

Hi all, sorry not to name check, just feeling a bit crap. AF arrived this morning (9 day luteal phase. So, an improvement, even if it's not quite good enough yet...). I was fully prepared for it to make me feel this way, but it's so horrible isn't it - I just miss E so much, and I HATE that we have to do all of this again.
Onwards and upwards, though. I will pull myself together, and remember how amazing our daughter was, and know that this next baby we're hoping for will be just as amazing... whenever he or she comes.
Love to all xx

Blizy, thinking of you today. Hope you get a good answer.

Kleine, so sorry AF got you. But you're right, little E was amazing and special and the next one will be too.

Hello all, I finally caught up with you!! Won't name check just now, but thinking of blizy and amy especially today. <hugs>

Think nearly everything is ready for Mia's inquest. We are writing a press statement tonight - already have the local news channel contact us to say they will be talking about Mia on Monday morning, so we have ensured they have the correct facts.

The registration of the star Mia Alexandra came through yesterday, so it is shining brightly somewhere in the universe, even if we haven't quite been able to identify it. And just now, the Woodland Trust rang to say they are interested in doing a site visit to Mia's Wood, and it looks as though they are very open to helping us... I would love to take these as auspicious signs, but I can't think that way anymore, even if I am glad they happened.

But I bumped into two key hospital staff for Mia's inquest in a shop, very randomly, and it was quite awkward. They congratulated me on this pregnancy, and then I couldn't think of anything to say except - "I guess we will see you on Monday..."

I wouldn't normally say this, but if you do have any spare positive thoughts and prayers, if you could send them on, MrMia and I would certainly appreciate them next week.

Babyh200 Fri 12-Oct-12 19:38:33

Miasmummy: you are top of my list I've already started praying for you and yours. God this is so hard for you and your family. I know your parents arrived and hope this is helping you. Its lovely to have a star....my neighbours named one for our beautiful boy and Im sure Mia Alexandra will be shining brightly and lighting up the sky tonight.

Words are sometimes never enough and my faith has been tested recently but there is a mass intention for Adam on Sunday so I will light an extra candle and let the flame burn brightly for your beautiful red headed daughter.

Thinking of the signs too. I wear a 'FOOTPRINTS' necklace because I needed/hoped/prayed to be carried through these awful times. My hubby had never heard of it. My uncle died not long after the baby and a bureau was delivered to my mums from his house he wasn't religious in any way and we arrived at my mums just as the delivery guy left. When my mum opened up the bureau the only thing inside it was a FOOTPRINTS plaque with the full story inscribed on it....I hadn't seen my auntie and had only been wearing the chain for about a week it was almost like it was meant for us or my DH in some way because he didn't know the story.

I don't know if you are religious and whatever the 'meaning of it all' I hope you and your family are 'CARRIED' over the coming days. Sending you lots of love xxxxx

Footprints in the sand

One night a man had a dream
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed 2 sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it.
"Lord you said that once I had decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied:
My son my precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.

mias I'm sending you lots of positive vibes, you are always in my thoughts all of you ladies but this week mostly you and blizy. The wood sounds great, I hope the woodland trust can help you with the planting and maintaining of the wood. (Wouldn't mind working for them myself) its so nice to think that mia's star is up there shining light down apon us all.

Miasmummy all my thoughts and prayers will be with you MrMia and MiasGrandad next week. You've all done an incredible job pulling everything together. It's just heartbreaking that you've had to. Lots of little signs - Mia is always with you. So much love to you xxxx

How are you doing Blizy? xx

Fab day at Harry Potter. Thoroughly recommend it! I'm going to a baby loss remembrance service on Sunday. Will think of all our angels as I light a candle xxx

AngelGeorgie Fri 12-Oct-12 22:31:04

Miasmum I m not & never will be religious in the slightest however, every positive thought I have is to will you through the next few weeks ... Be strong chick xxxxx
BabyH nice poem though!!! Xxx
Kleine sorry AF got you.. Fx for your BFP very soon .. You re quite right all our angels are totally amazing & your rainbow will be too... Xxx
Fan hope u re ok? Xx
Blizy know you re out .. Not in a stalkish way , but a FB way!!! Hope u have a fab evening & the results were ok?
Hi all; shattered again!!! Busy at work glad it's the weekend & only done a short week!!!
Enjoy all xxxxx

Little9 Fri 12-Oct-12 22:35:47

Wow, I've just cuaght up with the threads but have forgotten most of what I have read.

Babyh - I love "Footprints" - I have a poster of it up in our toilet. I'm not really religious but love the idea of someone (maybe my Dad who died when I was 3) carrying me through the bad times. Hopefully he's looking after Daisy now for us. I just want to apologise to you as I now realise my post on Weds was a bit insensitive in regards to what you are currently going through. I hadn't read any previous posts and just needed to tell someone, sorry.

I guess the hormones have kicked in as have been crying a lot whilst catching up with you all and have felt emotional all day. It seems to have brought all the emotions back from Daisy and, as everyone else, I am petrified of what is going to happen over the next few months. Can someone just knock me out and wake me up when it's all over?

(gives herself a good slap). Right "today I am pregnant and i'm enjoying it".

Big hugs and hello to everyone.

Little9 Fri 12-Oct-12 22:38:36

Mias - sending as many positive thoughts as I can muster to you xx

Babyh200 Sat 13-Oct-12 08:24:52

Morning ladies:

Little: DON'T APOLOGISE You have ABSOLUTELY nothing to be sorry for. Your entitled to share your wonderful news and shouldn't have to worry about doing that on here of all places. Yes it true I would love a rainbow baby and hopefully life will be kinder to me one day and your post gave me nothing but hope that my time will come again one day......in fact I should apologise to you for my non stop moaning lol

Your bound to be scared for your future rainbow but I would like (to offer my services....I sound like a lady of the night ;) to CARRY you through the bad days along with the other amazing ladies on here. Lots of love hope your feeling better today xxxxx

Angel: Hope you got some well deserved kip and those pesky teeth behaved themselves with Phebs last night xxxx PS We are going to Butlins in Bognor Regis.....wish it was somewhere warmer but the kids are looking forward to it and if they're happy I feel a bit happier x

Blizy: Hope your ok. Thinking of you xxxx

Kliene: Sorry your AF got you. Are you going to start using your CBFM now? Sending you lots of good vibes.......I have a little feeling you need them lately xxxxxx

AMY: Thinking of you and your growing rainbow keeping my FX everything will be fine which is what you deserve. Hope these next few weeks fly by xxx

Mias: Prayed for you all last night before I went to sleep. xxxxx

Busy day ahead I'm going to an old friends house tonight for dinner and a couple of drinks.....we have been friends for many years so I know I will feel comfortable and its the first time Ive felt up to going out since we lost Adam.

Oh and my ebay CBFM arrived ;) winks to Kliene just wish my Af would arrive soon so I can start to use it!!

Waves to everyone else xxx

RainboxFX Sat 13-Oct-12 09:25:22

I am having such trouble catching up! Thinking about all of us having tough times or with good news.

Went to the doctors and the dentists this week, and apparently I am stressed to feck. I have ground the enamel off my teeth and had to have them resurfaced, thrown my hormones out of whack so my cycle has just gone bizarre and given myself a stomach ulcer which I now have medication for. This was the final straw and led to me laughing hysterically for about an hour, much to my husbands worry! Don't know what do to to calm down.

Everyone still above water? I was at work yesterday as a van driver and it got a bit scary watching the roads all get more and more flooded.

blizy Sat 13-Oct-12 09:35:45

Popping on to say Dh test results were goodgrin!

Know what you mean rainbox the thread moves fast these days! What did the docs/dentists suggest for you? Not surprised you are stressed to feck, I hope they can do more than just fix the teeth etc. Did they have any helpful things to say?

miasmummy thinking of you all lots at the moment. What are you doing this weekend? I hope it is much easier than you anticipate, but sure it is going to be a massively exhausting experience. Lots of love xx

babyh enjoy your night out! Well done smile

kleine so sorry AF got you. It's just another bloody kick in the teeth sometimes ((hugs)). I don't know if it's a good or bad thing to say so apologies now if this is the wrong thing - but I too have a 9/10 day LP and I worried a lot about it when ttc (googling LPD, the lot!), but actually it didn't seem to be a bar - I conceived Bobbie in 4 cycles, and Freya was a surprise. So I have every faith that you will become pg with your rainbow soon.

angel did you have a better night?? The tiredness defies description at times doesn;t it. I just end up eating eating eating to get some energy!! Thanks for your advice the other day. I did go for a walk and took Freya to the park. She had a lovely time picking daisies and being wowed by dandelion clocks!

Right, off to hoover, inlaws on their way. House is a pigsty. Tbh I'd rather eat some more chocolate!

ooh, xpost blizy, that is great news! Bet DH is proud wink

DH is in a piss with me because I am all mopey. Apparently I just need to "think positive" and then all will be fine hmm <fucked off face>

Mias, thinking of you and will light a candle tonight for your beautiful little girl.

Sorry, forgot to refresh the display before I posted - Blizy, great news!

Spilt, tell him to fuck off? grin Yup, thinking positive solves everything. hmm <hugs> Maybe some physical activity will help, raise your endorphins and all that.

AngelGeorgie Sat 13-Oct-12 11:45:51

Blizy fab news gringrin time for more "action" then winkwink
Babyh hope you have a lovely time away. It's a change if scenery ... Xxx thanks , had a better night she slept from 8 ish to 05;30 so much better , thank god.., seems more like herself today .. Xxx
Spilt glad you was feeling a little brighter to your DH pissed you off... Bloody men... Waste of space half the time!!! Glad you got out , enjoy your visitors... Xxx
Oh Babyh have a good time tonight xx
Love to all weather here fab so hoping it stays like this off in to town with Phebs soon need to get her bday present & some bits & pieces... Xxxx

Little9 Sat 13-Oct-12 11:56:26

Hello to everyone. Feeling better today, thank you. I would be honoured to have you babyh and the lovely ladies on here help to carry me through this. I hope I am able to return the favour to you all.

blizy - great news.

Spilt - I also have to hoover, as my house is a complete mess, as well as walking the doggies. Got my "can't be arsed" head on and although currently off chocolate would much rather sit here eating some!!!

Mias - thinking of you. How are you feeling today?

Rainbox - wish I knew what to say to help. Be gentle with yourself and hope you find a way to start swimming furiously to the surface soon.

Kleine - sorry about AF, fx you get your BFP soon.

Fan and everyone I have missed - hope you are all ok and have a good weekend.

I've got a wedding reception tonight. It's an old work colleague so won't know many people and therefore shouldn't have to explain why I am not drinking, thankfully. I am really bad at lying and making up excuses!! DH doesn't want to go even though I have said we won't be staying long and he can go and meet his friends if he wants to once he has shown his face.

Well, this is no good. Can't take the puppy dog stares anymore!! Take care everyone, xx

blizy that is great news, a bit like me though. Is it a bit tough to comprehend that nothing is wrong? And why are we still in this 'no pregnancy place?' Hopefully me and you will be up the duff very soon.

amy so sorry you are having a rough time I have my fingers crossed for you that all is ok.

little do you drive? Will you drive to the reception, if you can thats what the excuse is, you are the driver. Or tell them you are on medication. Or that you are on a diet or my DH has just suggested that you are training for something like a run. I told people three years ago that I was teetotal, it was mainly because I was trying to get pg, and so now people just dont ask me or if they do I just say Im tee total. and they leave me alone.

rainbox the amount of shit you have put up with this year is bound to come out somewhere, dont be too hard on yourself. I found myself grinding my teeth at night last year and had to put a stop to it myself. I think we get so fixated that the only cure is to get our cycles right and to get pregnant again, our bodies expect us to have our babies with us but we dont and trying to come to terms with what we have been though it tough enough with out having an op aswell.
What things can you do to start enjoying yourself again? Is there soemthing you have always wanted to do like a hobby or something? It might help you enjoy things a bit more and also help take away some of the other stresses. Unfortunatly the stress of losing Dexter will take longer to get though. Maybe book a little break away that you can look forward too and plan.

We have a little visitor tonight my 9 year old BIL, so we are having a pizza, sweets, and ice cream night playing minecraft and watching movies.

spilt I agree tell him to fuck off, lol. Your aloud a moody day, he will have to lump it!

waves to everyone, hope you are having a good weekend.

greengoose Sat 13-Oct-12 17:28:25

Hi everyone, we are back home at last! Centerparcs was a mix of highs with the boys (J managed the high ropes course which was a big deal for him, and K can swim on his back and ride his two wheeler now, <proud Mummy>). The difficult parts were it all being just the same as last time, Merryns 6month date was on Friday, and on fri I had a bleed. Not so good.
So I have a scan booked Mon at 11am. Bit scared. I also, ironically, have my booking appt with the MW on Tues at 3pm, which I'm hoping not to have to cancel! Oh, and Monday is also Ks fifth birthday!

Going to read back and catch up with you all now, you've been busy! Back soon! Xx

greengoose Sun 14-Oct-12 08:45:31

Well, I've read back but there is so much!

LITTLE9 what great news! I'm so pleased for you, while knowing a bit of how scared you feel.... I also have a due date within 3 days of Merryns due date, which I'm only just realising means everything is the 'same' as it was last year, not easy!

Mia'sMummy, I will be thinking about you and your family this week, and sending you strength and love to get each other through. I wish we all lived in your town at times like this, we could cook and comfort and try to help. As it is, if there is anything more helpful than our love and a virtual lasagne, please ask. Xxxx

KLEINE, just want to give you a hug. I know it's different for everyone, but since Merryn I've charted fanatically, and only one month was 'normal'. The others all were silly cycles, with short LP, I had given up OV testing on the one I got BFP in, as it was so far in I could have overlapped with pregnancy tests! (although if scan shows no HB this isn't the best example). Just stay hopeful love. Remember your body does make miracles, its done it before. Xxxx

I want to say hello to everyone, but have to get ready to drive to Js dyslexia reading tuition. Poor kid, having to do this on a Sunday morning, I wish he didn't need it. We are going to visit another school on Fri, and thinking about moving the boys. I don't want to, but Js not getting enough support. They have been amazing with us this year though, so it will take a lot to change. The boys go to an alternative school, Park School in Dartington, (if anyones interested Jacob is the one up a tree in the film on the front page of their website)! it's why we moved to Devon, so it'd be a big deal to change.

Little9 Sun 14-Oct-12 09:59:09

Thanks Green. It is difficult with dates, etc isn't it but I have decided that I am determined to remain positive and try not to worry. I can't change what is going to happen and last time I ignored the pleasure of being pregnant cos I was too busy worrying about miscarrying which happened anyway. If that makes sense? How long this will last is another thing, lol! Good luck for tomorrow, got everything crossed for you and sending you lots of positive vibes.

Fan - thanks for the suggestions. Luckily there was only one couple there who we knew but I haven't seen them since I left my last job 7 years ago. I think they will have known that I lost Daisy and they were kind enough not to say anything when they realised I wasn't drinking alcohol. I don't know them well enough for them to know I'm a p**shead normally, and I actually don't mind who knows this time. Everyone was so supportive last time so have told most of my friends already anyway.

My DH is very excited as he has won a ride on mower on ebay so we are having a daytrip out to Downham Market to collect it today. He's like a little child at Xmas, bless him.

Take care everyone

Ellypoo Sun 14-Oct-12 16:09:01

Hi lovelies - have read back but can't scroll properly as am on phone so apologies for not name checking properly.

Great news blizy!!

green, oh I'm so sorry you had a bleed - I hope all is ok and you can see the heartbeat tomorrow xxx if its any consolation, I've had 2 bouts of spotting now & it is bloody scary, I hope all is ok for you xxx

kleine, sorry AF got you xxx

mias thinking of you & your family for tomorrow xxx

Hugs to all xxx

Went to a messages to heaven balloon release earlier which was lovely, and ive bought my candle for tomorrow - its called Angel which I thought was perfect.

Thank you so much everyone for your lovely thoughts and wishes. It really helps, knowing you are all out there, sending us much appreciated strength and love. Sorry I am not name-checking, just fully absorbed with the inquest at the moment.

I am feeling close to Mia at the moment, in this fight for the truth. Yet I am so scared, as MrMia has rightly pointed out that there may be upsetting PM photos shown tomorrow. I also know that I will be angry at things I hear, and want to stand up and scream. Also, we are furious at the hospital, who sent through a new, unseen document at Friday 5pm...

However, we have had a quiet weekend. We walked down through the fields to Mia's Wood with my parents yesterday, and all the debris has been cleared now. And after a nice lunch out, we took my parents to the Mia "cloud-kiss" tree which we planted with them in February. Its leaves are red-gold now. It was teeming down with rain, and then it hailed just as we reached the hilltop where her tree is planted, and I did think they were very dramatic ice kisses from our little girl!

KleinePoppet Sun 14-Oct-12 18:35:19

Hi all, have had a really busy couple of days and I've just tried to read the thread but I can't really remember most of it, I'm so tired - sorry - and I will come back to it all properly soon.

MiaAlexandrasmummy I am just thinking that, this week, your MN name is even more apt that usual. You are Mia's Mummy - it sums you up in so many ways, and how wonderful is that. You are at the inquest as her Mummy and your DH is there as her Daddy, and her grandparents are there too - all for her. A very special girl's very special family, doing absolutely everything they can for her. I cannot imagine what this is like for you, but I already know you will do her proud, as you have done up to now and as you will continue to do so afterwards. I will be thinking of you and praying for you and hope that, somehow, the impossible happens and you are given the answers and information that you feel you need. With much love xx

green I am so sorry to hear about the bleed and will be waiting anxiously to hear tomorrow. I hope SO very much that all is well with the little bean xx

wtw I have just realised I never said, such wonderful news that all was well with the biopsy... so pleased for you.

blizy really great news. Bet DH had a big grin on his face when you heard that all was well! Men are such predictable creatures wink I think you said you planned just to keep on trying for a while without taking any investigations further, and I am SO hoping for a lovely BigFatPositive for you soon.

rainbox oh, the stress of it all - I'm so sorry about your teeth, your cycle, your ulcer (how much else is going to get thrown at you?! Good grief). What works as a de-stresser for you normally? I find that the things that used to help me relax, before E died, are still semi-helpful if I make myself do them (long walks, reading novels, playing card games, gardening, movies). They don't change anything but they do help me calm down a little bit. I know, I know, I'm teaching you to suck eggs confused - just wish I could help. Lots of love xx

babyh waves to you my lovely, how was your night out? Glad your CBFM arrived - hope you can start using it v soon (actually, I don't, I hope you don't need it at all and you completely wasted thirty-odd quid on it because you're pregnant!). Am starting using mine again now, yes.

Seriously, have no brain left. Huuuuuge apologies to everyone I've missed out.

AFM, well, feeling pretty terrible at the moment BUT good things are happening too - meeting other bereaved parents, managing to go to friends' for lunch today, friendly and kind new neighbour just moved in to replace the previous, weird ones. The usual rollercoaster. Sending love to you all xx

AngelGeorgie Sun 14-Oct-12 21:24:30

Kleine indeed very much a rollercoaster ... Glad you re out & about & enjoying your friend's lunches!!! Xxxx
BabyH yeh for CBFM... Xxx never used 1 myself but know people rate them ... Xxxx
Green wishing you well for tomorrow... Fx xxxx & glad you enjoyed your break xxx
Special thoughts for Miasmum for tomorrow. Hope it's not all too painful & you get some resolution , if possible. Take care chicken xxxxx
Hi all; can t believe how quick the weekend goes , it's unfair!!!! Been shopping for phebs's bday!!!! Can t believe she's 1 this week...hmm where does time go? Especially when I think back to loosing Georgie how I never though I'd make it through the first hour home....sad
Work ;3 days then 2 days off loving these short weeks its the only way to go!!!
We re moving 1 of our clinic's next week from our site we ve been at for 20 odd years to a new walk in centre in the town so mixed feelings really. My manager has gone off sick so it's down to me & my colleague to manage the clinical side of things & my other colleague to manage the move; nightmare!!!!!
Love to all xxxx
Miasmum another mention ; xxxxx

Just a quick one - haven't read back through. Wanted to pop on and say ((((Miasmummy)))) I know tomorrow and the coming days will be incredibly hard. We are all thinking of you.

Good to 'see' you green hope all goes well at scan.

Went to a baby remembrance service at the hospital today. Thought of all our little ones but especially Ophelia and Fan as like my girls she was born in that hospital xxxx

wtw thankyou that really means a lot.

Just popping on to send love to miasmummy & family. We are thinking of you and sending you strength and love for these coming days. Don't worry about finding time to update us lot, just look after yourselves, we will be here when you are ready/need us. Love to you all and of course to gorgeous Mia xxx

blizy Sun 14-Oct-12 22:34:39

Miasmummy- I holding you, Mr Mias and of course your precious Mia in my thoughts. I know it will be so hard to hear things at the inquest, but you are doing it
For Mia, I am sure that alone will give you all the strength you need.
I love the sound of her tree, so very apt for your red headed angel. X

Oh blizy I forgot to say grin for dh's SA results. Must be a relief but also, as Fan said, doubly frustrating why it's not just happening. Got everything crossed for a bfp for you so very soon xx

miasmum thinking of you and mrmiasmum you are a strong lady, you get through this. She will be so proud of you, so will the little one you carry.

amyboo Mon 15-Oct-12 08:24:14

Just wanted to wish mias a massive good luck this week. I really hope you get some answers to everythin, and hope you manage to stay strong. Your lovely red-headed Mia will be in my thoughts this week.

Miasmum, thinking of you and all your family. Every time I see a red-haired little girl I think of Mia. I know that this week will be a bad time for you - sending you lots of love and prayers.

Green, thinking of you too for your scan. Hope that everything is fine and the baby waves at you!

Amy, hope you and DH are doing okay. Have you got a date for the amnio yet?

greengoose Mon 15-Oct-12 09:41:05

Ok, about to go to EPU. Scared stiff. Not sure I have the guts to start from scratch again if its gone wrong. It has to be ok this time. I'll have to explain about Merryn. Have just written down the name of her tumor so I don't get it wrong trying to spell it to nurse. ( I'm just as dyslexic as J). I'll know in 2 hrs. I hate this.

((((Green)))) thinking of you. All will be well xxxxx

green I'm holding your hand (vertualy) I have everything crossed for.

blizy Mon 15-Oct-12 10:46:14

green, I have everything crossed for you. Thinking about you. x

I have started a thread in chat called international baby loss day, I have put a note in it to Fi. If you would like to add also please do.

Remembering all our angels today.

Ellypoo Mon 15-Oct-12 11:33:36

Thinking of you all today mias xxx

I hope your appt at EPU has gone ok green and that you got good news - have been keeping my fingers crossed all morning for you x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1588186-international-baby-loss-day here's the link. Sorry didn't post earlier.

greengoose Mon 15-Oct-12 13:20:38

Well, we are home. No baby in space where it should be. Expect to MC soon, if not I will need ERPC. Fucking hell. I really don't know what to do. I have my five year old home in two hours, and it's his birthday today. I just can't do this.

KleinePoppet Mon 15-Oct-12 13:41:20

Oh green. SHIT. I am so utterly sorry. So, so SO very sorry. This is .... oh, there are no words.
I have no idea what else to say. Is there a friend who could help with the boys? I wish I was there. Keep posting if it helps. So much love Xxx

greengoose Mon 15-Oct-12 13:58:20

Thanks KLEINE, I guess I just need to get up and get on with it. I'm really angry. I know we are so lucky to have the boys, but I miss Merryn soooo much, and I just wanted this to work out. I've now lost four babies in a row. I don't think I am able to give up trying, although I know I should. This isn't fair on the boys, I should be making cake, ffs. I'm really not chuffed.
I know RL friends would try to be great, but I just don't want to tell anyone. I'm almost ashamed that I keep trying, I don't think they understand the need to have a baby is something I almost can't stop. I was so hopeful.

RainboxFX Mon 15-Oct-12 14:12:12

Green I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could be there to help. Really thinking about you.

Mias so much love to you today as well.

Thank you all for thinking about me as well, it really does help. Again a quick post since I am at work, but will catch up properly later. Love to us all today.

Oh green sweetheart I am shocked. That's so utterly shit & so unfair. So sorry, what a horrible outcome xx

oh no no no green so sorry my love... sending you lots of hugs. Take a bath, have a good cry, then concentrate on your little boy and when you put him to bed... then you can collapse...

green there are no other words I can say that can express what you are feeling, it is utterly shit! I'm so sorry you are going through more heartache. Its so unfair. I will say I am here, I have some understanding of what you are going through, we lost beanbag three months after Ophelia. It just seams like the world has you marked out for utter crap, can't life give you a break. Put that painted smiley face on for your boy and cry and rant on here if it helps.
I so wished that this wouldn't happen to anyone else on this thread, I thought I had used up all our bad luck, so you would all get your rainbow babies.
Be gentle with yourself, you can get through this it is utter crap but you are made of strong stuff.
Much love.

Oh green oh no my poor love sad I'm so so sorry. Oh sweetheart no words can help but a shedload of hugs coming your way. Life is so unfair at times xxxxxx

greengoose Mon 15-Oct-12 14:51:52

Thanks everyone, DP is doing the school run, which is crap because I promised DS I would be there as school have baked him cake and he gets to wear the 'birthday hat' today....
I need to get downstairs before they get back, so I can be there as he opens his presents. DP is in London from tommorow, I hope it's not going to be too bad or messy, life can't just stop until I can cope again.
I need to stop crocheting bloody blankets when I don't have a baby. It's not healthy. I would donate them, but I can't bring myself to part with them. I'll stash them in Merryns cupboard along with her things until I work it out.
I'm going to eat pâté and Brie and drink some bloody good wine, and have a bath when DSs are in bed. By the end of the week I will stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with things. Sorry for being a misery. Xxx

greengoose Mon 15-Oct-12 15:03:57

FAN, I thought of you in the scan room. I know you have been here, and I thought how strong you must be to keep going. I don't know if I am as strong as you. I don't know why I keep thinking how unfair it is, I know life isn't fair and I don't expect 'fairness'. I have more than my share of happiness with my boys and my life how it is anyway, so I'm being greedy, I shouldn't feel and don't feel bitter, I just want a baby. This has really hit me with how much I miss Merryn.
The nurse at the beginning asked me about previous pregnancies, and I ran through them, stumbling a bit over Merryn. She just asked for details, and didnt even acknowledge that I was telling her that my daughter had died six months ago. It was very odd. I'm glad DP wasn't with me for that bit, he'd of challenged her, but I didn't have the energy.

KleinePoppet Mon 15-Oct-12 16:00:32

green, lovie, on anyone's scale of 'fairness' this is deeply, deeply unfair. it's not about what you've got. It's about what you've lost.

I'm really sorry you had a nurse who couldn't even acknowledge Merryn. We, here, all know that this loss will make the loss of Merryn hurt even more.

PLEASE don't worry about what you ought to be doing next, or about 'being a misery'. Do what you have to, and if we can help by listening, we'll be here.

I too had a scan at EPU today (obv I am not pregnant, it was another follow-up ager my op), I am just home, I was thinking of you so much. And, yes, I was thinking of fan, too... you ladies have had the very rawest of raw deals.

You will get through this afternoon, I know. Time passes, with or without our permission... the day will end. I'm so sorry there's no one there who can help. I'm so devastated for you.

Ellypoo Mon 15-Oct-12 16:21:21

Oh god green, I am so so sorry, there are no words that I can say, and I just want to reach out and give you a huge hug. It's not right at all, it is deeply deeply unfair.

Will be thinking of all of our Angels tonight - every single one of them

Much love xxxxxx

Oh green, oh no. I'm so, so sorry.

Babyh200 Mon 15-Oct-12 16:47:39

Green no words will ever be enough......sorry just seems inadequate because its so so unfair that this has happened to you. Oh god the tears ran down my face when I read your post and my heart just sank.....I'm absolutely gutted for you. Thinking of you tonight, I know you will get through this for your beautiful boys xxxxxx

blizy Mon 15-Oct-12 17:12:51

Oh no green, that is utter shit! I am so, so sorry you are having to deal with this, epsecially on your ds's birthday. I have no words that will make you feel better, but I am thinking about you and sending you huge hugs. x

So sorry for such devastating news Green x

green you are not being greedy at all. It doesnt matter at what stage in your family you go through this, this is still utter crap. Just because you have two boys does not make it different for you, you know the love that a child gives and receives so for you it is all too bitter sweet.
This thread, we do not judge, we just support.
You will get through this, your babies will never be forgotten, I just want to hug you. I shed alot of tears for you this afternoon, it brought it all back for me a bit, and also one of our friends is going through what looks like her 5 miscarriage. Life is shit, but we have to live it I guess.
Im sorry if this come across as angry, Im just angry at how unfair it all is sometimes.
I hope you can find some peace tonight.
My candle is lit now early for the loss of your little bean.

RainboxFX Mon 15-Oct-12 18:27:31

My candles are blazing away for all our children. It's not fair, I hate we all know how this feels.

An awful lot of love for all of us tonight.

Candle shining here for all our lovely babies xx

Ellypoo Mon 15-Oct-12 19:11:50

Here too xxx thinking of all our Angels xxx

KleinePoppet Mon 15-Oct-12 19:11:58

Sending love to you all, most especially green tonight.

Our lovely new neighbour, who I only met yesterday, just came round with a bottle of wine and to say how again how very sorry she was that E had died.
I ought to have been welcoming her to the neighbourhood, and instead, she is somehow welcoming me...
She has restored my faith in people's kindness. Tonight of all nights I am so moved by this.
So, my candle is a little late being lit, but will be blazing in just a minute xxx

candle lit here too, thinking of our beautiful angels all gone too soon.

I love and miss you Ophelia, Beanbag and Bungle.

Candle lit here too. I love you, baby tiny.

Cwtched up under my (slightly soggy) woolly hug, candles lit, thinking of Erin and all our darling children who should be in our arms not just in our hearts. I'm so glad we all found each other here (cheesy, sorry blush) xxxx

Love and hugs especially to green and Miasmummy today. Life is spectacularly unfair xxxxx

AngelGeorgie Mon 15-Oct-12 22:01:02

Green shit, shit, shit so sorry sweetheart. Give your boys a big hug & loving thoughts for you all & Merryn.... I remember how awful it is in the ultrasound room waiting to be told theres a problem , just awful.... Xxxxxxx take care chick xxxxx grieve , you're strong ; you ll make it xxxxx

green, oh lovely lady, I am so sad and angry for you... <hugs>

everyone All the love being sent our way today has been so appreciated. It was hard, but about what I expected... what I didn't expect was that I felt weirdly happy having a whole room of people concentrating on my beautiful daughter, talking about Mia, saying her name. (Not sure I could share this thought anywhere else.) I could almost feel her sitting on my lap, as I stared at her lovely photo when it was becoming too fraught.

The inquest was on both local tv stations tonight, and I'm guessing that it will be on as part of the 10pm news too. So glad we chose such lovely photos of Mia.

My candles for Mia and all our children are now lit too. Beautiful babies, and lovely friends made through shared sadness, and so much love.

AngelGeorgie Mon 15-Oct-12 22:04:32

Kleine glad you re scan was ok? Xxx
Fan lovely thread xxxx didn t get chance to light a candle but all my thoughts with our dearly loved angels xxxxxx

Had a crap day , work ; shit then Ant picked up a letter from nursery they re increasing Pheb's fees up by £67 a month ; nightmare when we re already struggling ....
Pissed off for Green , me & all the crap ... Will ensure I get up in a better mood xxxxx

I hate having to blow the candle out again.

Fan, it's discussion of the day, well done! It is harrowing to read, though. So many babies, so much pain.

notsoold Mon 15-Oct-12 23:45:22

Green it is late as I read about you...so sorry babe...so very sorry...
Miasmum thinking of you today...

We don't forget our little ones...

Much love to you all xxxx

green my love. This may be a stupid question but how are you doing today? Did you manage ds2's birthday? Thinking of you lots xxxx

Miasmummy glad you got through the first day 'okay' and that Mia guided you through. Hope it's not too rough today xxx

KleinePoppet Tue 16-Oct-12 07:45:10

Morning all. Just a quick message.

Sending super-sized hugs to mias. You are such a brave lady. I am glad you continue to feel close to Mia this week.

Equally huge hugs to green. I hope you managed to get at least some sleep. I am thinking of you so very much, and am just so so sad for you. We're here to listen if that would help...

Hi angel, sorry to hear about the nursery fees, that's v stressful. Scan yday was ok, thanks; brought up a few issues but I will leave that for another time.

fan your thread was so wonderful. But yes, just heartbreaking, too.

I'm glad my thread made a little imprint in chat yesterday, it was heartbreaking to read but also inspiring.

green how are you doing this morning? Have they said anything about how to manage the mc?

mias my thoughts are still with you.

Love to everyone.

Leading up to ov, start the opks today but not expecting ov till friday saturday. I feel surprisingly calm about it all at the moment which can only be a good thing.

How's my ttc buddy blizy?

Fan it's a lovely thread. Could you ask mnhq to move it to a different topic so it's not lost after 90 days? xx

blizy Tue 16-Oct-12 08:19:40

Wow angel, That is a huge price rise angry!

Mias, I'm glad you managed to get through yesterday with the help of Mia, I'm sure she will be with you every step of the way. X

Green, how are you doing my lovely? X

Fan- af is due on Fri, I'm just waiting for the spotting to start.

Hope you are all ok. X

amyboo Tue 16-Oct-12 08:39:47

Oh green I'm so sorry to read your news. Sending lots of big hugs your way.
Glad yesterday went OK mias.

greengoose Tue 16-Oct-12 09:06:46

Thanks for doing the thread yesterday FAN. It was so full of love, but I cried buckets!

MIA'S, well done for getting through yesterday. It's amazing what a mother can go through for her child. I know exactly what you meant about there being a little joy in having so many people acknowledging Mia.
We drove for a while over dartmoor yesterday, and all the bracken has turned russet since we were there last. That and a dramatic skyline of orange and purple had me thinking of Mia. Xxx

KLEINE, do talk about your scan if you want lovely lady... I'm worried about you. Xxx

I got through yesterday, and DSs birthday probably gave me a kick out of bed, which helped. We have already given out his party invites, so let's hope nothing drastic starts until after Sun. ( he's having a neon disco..... Mmmmm, tasteful!)
The scan showed a yolk sac that hadnt developed inside a womb that had, and probably still is. I should be eight weeks. So I guess that's a MMC again. My body's not that bright these days, it would seem. I don't think I fully believed in this one, no sore boobs, and not any proper sickness. Not usual for me. So I refused a scan in one weeks time, and asked for one in two. I hope my body gets on with it before then, but if not I guess I'll have another ERPC.
The last time I MCd I got preg with Merryn the following month. At my age maybe I just need to accept some eggs are of poor quality, and decide if I can keep going until I get a good one. Next time would be My 7th pregnancy.
I can only do this for me if it doesn't affect how I am with my boys. We never tell them when I MC, but they know I've got a sore tummy, but maybe that's ok. It feels a bit like the gambles we had to take with Merryn, only worth it if it works....
The main thing is it feels like such a lot of time waisted. From Aug until when I next ov. This baby would have been 5.5 yrs younger than K, any others will now be at least 6. I don't know what to do. I wish I could decide to stop, but I don't feel I'm able too. Stopping and being content would be my choice, but I think I will have to keep trying. I don't feel in control of anything. When I did feel in control it was an illusion though wasn't it? I used to be so optimistic, I hate that I can't be anymore. Ranty rant rant rant. I need to stop and get on, even if lovely dp did let me have a sleep this morning!
Thanks for all being there, it meant the world yesterday. thanks

green that's what we are here for. Your such a strong lady, and if you feel its not time to stop then don't. Fx for your next cycles. Age gaps mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, DH is the oldest of five boys and he gets on better with the 17 year old and the 9 year old, his brothers closer to his age annoy him most of the time.

blizy fx for you, are you feeling good about this month? Or have you stopped trying to big it up? I'm trying to stop bigging it up but sometimes it can't be helped. Its going to happen soon to us I'm sure of it, I have a positive feeling.

greengoose Tue 16-Oct-12 10:09:29

Hi, just to say I've posted a couple of photos of Merryn on FB, (on the secret page), if anyone wants to 'meet' her! I could do with some reassurance that they are actually private.... Also FB seems to have cut them in half so you have to tap them to see it properly.... I hope I've got it right, FB novice!!

green they are private, I check everytime via my DH's fb page. She is gorgeous.

greengoose Tue 16-Oct-12 10:37:04

Thanks Fan. X

blizy Tue 16-Oct-12 10:41:31

fan- to be honest I am quite blase about it this month. I have stopped bigging it up a while ago. It would be more of a shock now to get a bfp than for af to arrive iyswim?

green- you rant away if it makes you feel better, we are always here to listen. x

Kleine- are you ok?

blizy understand I think I'm beginning to feel the same. This feels like the norm now.

Oh green you are amazing thanks There's 5.5 years between K and H much bigger than I wanted but they are so lovely together. Merryn is completely beautiful xx

Blizy I definitely hope you get a surprise this month in that case smile


Ellypoo Tue 16-Oct-12 13:09:35

mias, I'm glad you felt close to Mia yesterday, it must be so hard - thinking of you all.

green, Merryn is absolutely beautiful, thank you for sharing your pics. She is just such a gorgeous little girl. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this all again, I hope that you can grieve and take your time to deal with this all. If it doesn't feel right to stop trying, then don't.

I feel really angry at the moment that our babies aren't with us - especially after reading fans thread last night. So much heartache and sadness, it's just not fair. Yet, I'm so pleased to have found such a supportive group of ladies, a safe place where we can all say what we need to without being judged.

Oh Angel, that's a nightmare price rise, is that with immediate effect or have they given you any notice?

I hope you are ok kleine - sending best wishes xx

RainboxFX Tue 16-Oct-12 15:28:27

Mias I too am glad that you have been able to find some peace. I don't know all the details of Mia's case, but I hope you get the truth and answers your beautiful girl deserves. Still sending you love.

Klein hope you are keeping well. How kind of your neighbour! It does go to show there are some wonderful people out there. I feel like I have met a lot of them on this thread and I am so sorry we are all here, but so grateful to have found you.

Green thinking about you today. I did cry for all of us last night. Life has been so very unfair. Merryn is beautiful. I love her fluffy hair.

Blizy and fan FX for a nice surprise this month. I don't think I have OVed this month, though I am in theory in my TWW! Would anyone like some cheap amazon OV strips? I have about 30-40 or so I bought last year but I am just not going to use them. I never seem to get a positive, even when temp and other signs say I should be OVing. Free to a good home!

I wish I could walk away from actively "trying" for a bit, but I am just not willing to. Dexter took us two years to conceive and I don't expect anything to happen quickly this time round. I just don't want to miss any chances, if you know what I mean.

Angel sorry you are having such a rough time.

Elly WTW Amy spilt too blue Babyh EVERYONE, thinking about us.

rainbox I shall take those ov strips off your hands.

RainboxFX Tue 16-Oct-12 15:55:00

Sold! If you want to PM me an address here or on FB I shall get them in the post. They are just a source of stress to me at the moment, as I seem to be too stupid to use them, so I would be really pleased to see them go somewhere they can be of use!

KleinePoppet Tue 16-Oct-12 16:14:38

Oh I have just looked on FB and I don't know where to begin commenting!!!! My goodness. All the candle pictures are so, so lovely.
green... Merryn is absolutely scrumptious, just the cutest little thing I've seen. I just want to pick her up and have a cuddle. I am so so so so so SO glad to see her, although I am even more sad for you now. But also so sad for her, knowing what a truly beautiful little girl she was, and how perfect and ready for life she was too. Oh bless her. Thank you so much for sharing xx
How are you coping with everything today? What has the hospital advised you to do, if anything? Well done for getting through yesterday... You are in my thoughts so much.

Now, as for me, if green (or anyone else) is worrying about me then I shall just say that, in a nutshell, we have been advised to go back to doing IVF asap. Not unexpected, as we already knew that E was a miracle, but stressful to have it confirmed. And I'm wondering how the hell are we supposed to cope with it, any time soon?! I know we will cope.. I know we will do it. Just, it's difficult, is all. In the absence of another miracle - it really is quite unlikely - we will probably look at first cycle of IVF in the New Year.
So, well, I know I said I don't swear that much, but apparently I lied... what a crock of shit, eh?

poppet that must have been hard to hear even if you were expecting it. I don't know the particulars of IVF, can I ask what it will intail?

Ellypoo Tue 16-Oct-12 17:07:48

Oh kleine, how difficult to have that to face too. As with fan, I'm not too sure exactly what it will entail other than injections and hormones and general not niceness for you in particular, as well as the stress. Did you go through IVF before you conceived E then, or were you about to start it? What a perfect miracle she was xxx

KleinePoppet Tue 16-Oct-12 17:20:08

Thanks ladies... We actually started our first cycle of IVF the month E was conceived (IVF takes place over two months, but I only did the first bit of it as we discovered that I was pregnant before starting the second bit!). Basically you 'down-regulate' your cycle one month, ie control the hormones at the end of the cycle so that the follicles can then be entirely controlled by the drugs. Then, once you've had your period, you inject hormones to encourage more follicles to develop than usual - it's a fine line, you don't want too many as that's dangerous. You have lots of ultrasounds to see what they're doing, and if several of them develop then they are retrieved (with you under a general anaesthetic, that's a particularly fun afternoon). Hopefully the retrieved eggs will be of good quality and will mate nicely with the sperm that your DH has supplied! Then, if any of the eggs develop enough after either three or five days, one - or sometimes more - will be returned to your uterus, which has meanwhile been prepared with other drugs so that it's a good environment for implantation. And after that, it's just like any other normal cycle - you wait and see...

It's just so difficult anyway. And so damn expensive. We DO have some savings which we can use for two cycles, but after that then we'd have to borrow money. (No NHS IVF for us. We have had a live birth, so are almost certainly off the list sad. We are double-checking this but, well, guidelines are guidelines...)

KleinePoppet Tue 16-Oct-12 17:24:41

Oh I forgot. Any 'extra' fertilised eggs can be frozen and then can be used in future cycles. If there are too many and you don't use them all, you can ultimately choose to donate them to other couples who are unable to produce their own embryos. Which is a nice thought... I feel quite strongly about creation of life, and would want each and every embryo to have a chance. But that's a million miles away from where we are now. I want MY babies first.

Kleine hugs lovely lady. Sounds like a difficult day all round. IVF sounds like a hard route. If it helps at all 2 of the ladies from my sands group had conceived the babies they lost through ivf and they are both allowed another 'free' cycle on the nhs. Happily one of them conceived first time again and is due in about 6 weeks xx

blizy Tue 16-Oct-12 17:42:35

Oh kleine, life is indeed shit! what a day you had to face. I Hope you can have the treatment on the NHS. Hope you are feeling ok? x

KleinePoppet Tue 16-Oct-12 17:49:20

Am still here - thank you both smile I am not sure that we would even want to go down the NHS route, to be honest... their success statistics are always much lower, and we do have the money to go private, at least at first. But obviously if it was offered to us on the NHS soon then we'd do it. I think it'd be a couple of years' wait, though (the lists are long around here), and so not an option at the moment. We are lucky... 'lucky'... that we can go private.

ENOUGH about me! There are far more important things going on. Thinking of everyone xx

Don't be silly poppet, you have had a rough day and knowing you are going to have to go thru all that must be very stressful. Is there no chance of another miracle?

greengoose Tue 16-Oct-12 18:39:02

KLEINE, bloody hell. Don't you dare say that woman. What you are going through is utter crap, and anyway, if it was some sort of 'crap competition' we'd all be getting a medal, sadly. I guess the only thing I can say is you ARE strong enough, you will cope, somehow, and all of us will help as much as we can. I know a bit about IVF because a very close friend has had all three (twins and a single) that way, and it's tough, but it works for lots of families, and gets them their babies.

Thanks for the comments about Merryn, it's lovely to show her off, doesn't happen much anymore, sadly!

Ellypoo Tue 16-Oct-12 19:34:08

Oh kleine, how tough, I so hope that you are blessed with another miracle before you start IVF again in Jan, or that the IVF is successful first cycle - we are all here to support you and for handholding, as you know xxx

Little9 Tue 16-Oct-12 20:45:04

Green - so sorry for the crap news. Keep going if you feel you are up to it. I know I would find it hard to stop and you have all the lovely ladies on here to keep perking you up and carrying you along. Merryn is such a darling!!

Kleine - sorry you had a bad day. Really hope IVF works for you and you get a little rainbow soon.

Angel - that's criminal. Don't they realise we are in a recession!!

Got everything crossed that this will be your month, blizy and fan.

We don't seem to be having a good time at the moment, do we? Had a swab done yesterday as getting funny discharge - results should be back by end of the week. Dr said he is referring me to antenatal clinic and just need to wait for them to contact me.

Hope everyone else is ok. Sending big hugs to everyone and any support needed, xx

AngelGeorgie Tue 16-Oct-12 20:54:56

Thanks Elly & Blizy is a hell of an increase. Effective from 1st Dec ( my bday!!!) so awaiting confirmation of the new price ... Have sussed out my friend's childminder & will be about £70 a month cheaper so an option there if after the salary sacrifice still going to be worse off. The most annoying thing is our trust is in £30 million of debt as they financed a new PFI hospital ( that we didn t need but the government states all trusts have to have) so not only have our cost of living rises been on hold for 4 years , my incremental rises stopped 3 years ago now we ve been hit by a 10% increase in nursery fees!!! ( the nursery is through my work so co- owned by the trust I work for!!!!) life's a bitch sometimes!!!! [angry
Green your girl is gorgeous ...grin how are you? Xxxx
Kleine sorry you re having a crap time... So hope IVF works for you first time. Must be an added pressure for you .... We re here to vent , as I do often!!!!
Fan your thread is lovely : sad but lovely xxxx
Everyone at work is lovely but keep asking me about Georgie & what we did for her birthday it's so hard as coming up to celebrating Pheb's birthday feel guilty & sad that Georgie is again missing out ...
So sad that life is like this for us all
Love to all xxxx

fan thank you for your lovely thread last night.

kleine very tough news to deal with. IVF certainly puts your body through the mill, physically and emotionally.

Today was much harder than yesterday. MrMia and I are drained and resigned. Too much evidence and expert witness opinions to say that the choices made in Mia's care were 'reasonable', even though in retrospect, they ended up being the wrong decisions. Certainly, there are acknowledged mistakes and miscommunications, and there is always more that could have been done... So tomorrow we are likely to hear a verdict of natural causes. I always knew that the outcome we wanted would be a 50:50 chance. But I am not sure the inquest is going to bring any sort of closure or peace - but I didn't expect that. It's hard not to feel that Mia's death doesn't matter. It won't change anything. Except the lives of those who love her.

greengoose Tue 16-Oct-12 23:43:07

MIA'Smummy. I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this. You are so brave. I think maybe even if things are not going to end with the closure that you might have had, things will still change. No professional could not question and change their practice after something like this, and even a small thing, a little ripple of conscience, could save another child, another family. You are shouting so loudly on behalf of Mia, in this inquest about justice, but also in other ways, like Mia's Wood, about love, and beauty too. All the love a mummy can give. She'll be right there with you. So are all of us, on your side of the room, right beside you, shouting for you and Mia. A bright light of love in a dark time. Much love tonight. Xxx

Thanks everyone for the lovely words, about Merryn, and also about what's happening. We knew when we decided to ttc again this might well happen, and we said we'd keep going through it. I think we will. I don't really think I have a way to say no.
I found out this week a lovely lady, a single mum of two young kids, has cancer. It doesn't look too hopeful for her. Nothing I can offer will be anything, but I guess I know a bit of what terror feels like, and maybe that can help me to say with her feelings, properly listen maybe, i dont know. Tonight I'm counting my blessings, and very aware that they are many, but they don't come with a guarantee. Life can be so shockingly hard. Tonight Dp is in London, and I've smuggled my little boy into the big bed. I need to feel him near me, he's so full of trust and hope and love. I am so scared for him and his brother sometimes.

notsoold Tue 16-Oct-12 23:43:34

Miasmum (((hugs)))....

greengoose Tue 16-Oct-12 23:45:05

Stay, not say.

Babyh200 Wed 17-Oct-12 00:46:39

Notsosold: Nice to see you posting, hope life is being kind to you lovely lady xxxxx

Green: I couldnt stop looking at Merryn she is amazing and i just wish you had more time with her. I understand the fear we develop for the ones we still have because we realise how fragile life is now and I do it all the time.....worrying that the others may get snatched away too. I said a couple of days ago that the rainbow babies give us hope so please don't give up hoping that one day it will happen again. I can't believe what a brave brave lady you are, its so unfair you have to go through this crap sad Sending lots of love and virtual hugs as always but glad your having the RL ones from your beautiful boys xxxxxxxxx

Little: Hope your ok and the discharge is nothing to worry about. Hopefully its just something to do with implantation? Thinking of you tonight and sending you ((big hugs)) Take care xxxxxxxx

Kliene: What can I say except this is more utter unfair shit. God love I hope more than anything your beautiful 'E' has left you fertile enough to conceive a little miracle naturally. Please don't take that the wrong way and who am I to argue with the medical profession........i just want, hope and wish more than anything that you dont have to struggle because you've been through more than enough already. Thinking of you chick xxxxxxxxxxxx

Amy: Your never far from my thoughts either......sending lots of good vibes for your future rainbow xxxxxx

Angel: It amazes me how much money they screw out of those who work....its disgraceful it really is and you shouldnt have to pay more money. I bet you feel like telling them to F**K Off! I remember having to pay 2 lots when J and L where in at the same time and it was more than our mortgage I was going to work for hardly anything no wonder people end up giving up work when they have a family. Hope your sort a child minder out and it will serve them right if they lose your business xxxxxxxx

Fan and Blizy: Hope its your month....also not forgetting rainbox but I know your cycle is being unkind sad which Im very sorry to hear.

I finally got my AF today a whole 12 days late boooooooooo on the bright side i have finally started using the CBFM : )

Mias. Thinking of you and yours xxxxxx

Really tired so Im gonna give up typing now sorry if I missed anyone but had a terrible couple of days trying to organise a headstone. We really wanted it in time for his 1st Christmas but apparently we missed the 'cut off' date which was 2 weeks ago sad Plus they might as well have a mask and a gun the money they want is absolutely outrageous. Oh and the car broke this morning and cost £250 to fix! Hey ho its only money we would all live in a shed if we could have our angels wouldnt we!!!!!!!!!!!

Night nite xxxxxxxxxx

AngelGeorgie Wed 17-Oct-12 06:36:35

BabyH shame you ve missed Xmas. Xxx it's all money, money,money isn t it? Yeh to using your CBFM... Indeed you are totally screwed if you work..... I see plenty of pt's who don t & still get their free entitlement to 15 hours at a nusery for their child. Now, I know this benefits the child but it blows my head : if they re at home why shouldn t they take care of their kids.... Why do they need 15 hours off? This country is all the wrong way round if you work you pay for all the chavs not working... We don t get a penny in help as I earn " too much" however, to me working tax credits are suppose be in place to facilitate you working!!!!
Miasmum xxxxx stay strong xxx
Love to all weather crap here , last day at work ; whoop whoop to Monday xxxx

babyh have you had a look at putting something temporary in place? We didn't want a traditional headstone and found a really nice lady who's designed us a small carved stone to go on Sterre's grave. If you have a look on FB, there are some pics on there.
Good luck with the CBFM! smile

Mias thinking of you, I read the article you posted yesterday, so heart-breaking! I'm hoping you get the outcome you would like, but if not, I'm sending you all the strength to deal with what you didn't want to hear x

<waves hello to everyone>

So so tired! 32 days till my due date...

KleinePoppet Wed 17-Oct-12 10:51:37

Oh mias. I honestly have almost run out of words. Your situation is so awful - it is so unbelievably sad that what happened to Mia could have been prevented, were the circumstances different - yet you are so... full of love for your little girl. I really don't know what to say except that I'm thinking of you so much today, and sending all my love. Oh, and that yesterday as I walked home, I passed the most beautiful, flaming red, trailing ivy - so I picked a leaf in memory of Mia, and it is sitting next to our photos of E.
I also very much agree with green. My DH is a doctor, and any time his practice has been questioned even a tiny bit, it has changed how he works. I truly believe that Mia's death will have impacted the doctors who treated her, as well as others who were more indirectly involved. Much love to you xx

green my love, again, so difficult to know what to say, as I know I can't help in any real way although I wish I could. How are you feeling today - physically, mentally?
Oh, the fear... as I don't have any other DCs to be afraid for, I'm afraid of DH dying, and leaving me alone, or of me dying and leaving him alone. He is the same.
I'm so sorry for your friend with cancer. What a terrible situation. Does she have family who would take care of her children, if the very worst should happen? Or would their father be involved? Oh, how awful. A parent without their child is terrible; a child without their parent is... unspeakable.

little thinking of you and hoping all is well.
babyh booo to AF... but yay! to CBFM smile
elly when is your 12 week scan? Must be soon!

Love to everyone else too. And thank you for the kind words yesterday. It's pretty hard. But we have no choice but to keep going, one step at a time.

mias thinking of you all, stay strong xx

kleine I'm sorry you've had such hard news, I hope the ivf goes well and works for you first time x

green it was lovely to see little merryn, she's so beautiful looking at her daddy. It's so sad that she can't be here with you x

blue wow to the 32 days, were you thinking of a home birth or have I got that wrong? X

23 weeks today, viability in this area. I'm taking it as a good thing, the last few weeks have been very long and hard waiting to get to a stage where if anything happens he has a chance.

I'm now aiming for 29 weeks, anything after that will be an added bonus. You watch me go to term now, for the first time in 18 years!

Don't know if it's hormones but I seem to be crying alot this week! By rights I should be as happy as anything, the amount of hormones I'm on at the moment!

Moomin you are doing ever so well too!

Yes planning on a home birth! The midwife is coming next Wednesday to go through it with us smile
To be quite honest, I wouldn't mind if the baby decides to come before it's due date... as long as it's not too close to E's birthday on 31st October...
Don't think I would cope very well if I would go overdue...

No I think being over due would be stressful, it's worrying enough as it is. If I don't go into labour when the stitch is taken out it will be a elcs for me around ds1s birthday.

This baby is due right in the middle of ds1 9/2 and ds2 16/2 but my stitch should come out middle of jan

My friend had a hb last time, she said it was a lovely experiance

amyboo Wed 17-Oct-12 13:18:57

Massive hugs to mias. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Thinking of you and MrMias lots.

blizy Wed 17-Oct-12 15:15:47

Mias- I have no words, but I am thinking of you. X

well, we had a bit of a blow today. The Dr called Dh back after looking at his results again and he has a low motility rate on his sperm. She sai it won't be impossible to conceive but could take a while.sad. I just feel so disheartened about it, Dh has to do a repeat test on the 27th nov.
Why can things not go our way for once?

blizy I guess all you can do is think of the bright side to the news, if that's the only thing wrong then it can be fixed, and also takes the pressure off you a little. Hugs to you it is hard to hear. Fx its a blip.

KleinePoppet Wed 17-Oct-12 19:11:28

blizy I'm so sorry to hear that - though I'm a bit cross that they told you it was fine last week, and have only properly looked at the results now. How are both you and DH doing? I know you've just got this news, so don't imagine you've made any plans about what to do yet, it needs to sink in a bit first. So hard though. I totally sympathise with you asking why things couldn't have gone your way - you more than deserve many, many brilliant things. Lots of love to you tonight xx
There really are lots of incredibly difficult circumstances on this thread, aren't there, that are come on top of the worst possible loss, that of our children. It makes me so angry. I know it can't be expected to be different, we can't expect life to give us a break now. But still, I am so angry...

On a far more positive note, however - blue and moomins I am so glad that all is well with both of you and both of your little ones, and hope that everything goes exactly according to plan for you (ie, a slightly early arrival for blue, and an amazing, going-to-term ELCS for moomins).

blizy Wed 17-Oct-12 19:28:15

Thanks Kleine, the dr did say on fri that it was preliminary results Sent by email as they had not yet received the full paper version. She said she would call when they received them. I don't quite know how I feel, Dh is claiming to be ok.
How are you feeling?

blue, Moomins im glad you are both doing well. X

KleinePoppet Wed 17-Oct-12 19:48:17

Oh I see - but still... so difficult to be told everything's ok, and then be told something else later. Quite understand the not-knowing-how-to-feel. You need a little while to think about it first.
I'm ok ta smile Well, as ok as it gets these days! Thanks for asking smile

blizy sorry if my post seamed abit forthright. I was reading really quick on my way home.
I am a bit angry that they told you that last week with out reading the full report, it seams. I just spoke to DH about you and your DH (he feels like he knows you a bit more as your from the same city) , he is very shocked that they told you this. It is disgraceful. I hope he really is ok, Im sure its a shock to him. I hope that it is just a blip and the next results show everything is fine, or that it is easy to fix. Life is shit isnt it, I found out today that my friend is going through her fifth miscarriage, her DH is very upset, DH is taking him out tomorrow to talk it all over.

mias been thinking of you all day. Hope you and mrmias are ok.

blizy Wed 17-Oct-12 20:20:00

Not at all fan, no need to apologise. I not angry with the dr (strangely), she just read the results out to him. He has a normal sperm count just a low motility rate.
I thought your Dh was from Aberdeen? Where in Glasgow was he?

hes from Blantyre, born in Bellshill.

Gosh so much going on, so many of us having really hard times, it is very moving and hard to read. I just want to make everything ok for everyone.

kleine my lovie, about the IVF that is a big deal to contend with, how are you feeling about it? What sort of stats do your private clinic have? fx for a successful first cycle. Will your work be helpful over time off etc? I'm so sorry about the comment I made a few days ago about luteal phases and conception chances - i didn't know that you'd started IVF previously, I would never have said that otherwise. Was tactless in the extreme and i hugely apologise.

miasmummy thinking of you all lots. There is nothing useful any of us can say, but you are such an inspiration in the way you stand up for your daughter and the strength and love for her you exude. I hope today has given you the verdict you wanted. I think of Mia every time I see a tree with its autumn red/gold leaves (and that's a lot round here!)

blizy I second the others, how difficult to believe the results are all fine and then have further info ... Are they going to retest? Have they explained how much of a problem the low motility is? I imagine it's something that could be very problematic or hardly make a difference depending on severity but don't really know. ((hugs))

moomins wow you're getting there smile How are you feeling now you've passed 20 weeks? As you say, 23 weeks now, so every day from here on is a bonus. fx for another 17 weeks cooking time!!

angel a very happy birthday to little Phebs tomorrow xxx What's your plans?

blue so nearly there now! My top tip is bake a load of choccy brownies and freeze them ready for the postnatal ravenousness.

fan thank you so much for the babyloss thread, harrowing but beautiful.

green I posted on FB too but your Merryn is just gorgeous, such beautiful features and a very wise expression. Well done getting through DS's birthday, you are a very strong lady. Love to you, it must be such a bloody awful time.

We are ok here, very tired tbh, Freya's sleeping badly so we all are! Had our cavity wall insulation done this week and its already making a difference - have turned the heating back off, woop! We are also having a shite financial month - car tax x 2, car tyres had to be changed, exhaust fell off one car so needed fixing, and cat is poorly so already had a £220 vet bill and more to come as he needs a tooth op. Argh. Feel like walking round with tenners stapled to me for people to pick off grin
But on the bright side we're getting apples out the garden which are very tasty.

Oh Blizy FFS how unfair! angry More bloody unfairness. Hope you and dh are as okay as you can. You sound a bit resigned lovie. Fx for re-test. Is there anything that can be done to improve motility? xx

Waves spilt feeling your financial pain! Our car has been in the garage as well this month - an unexpected garage bill of £508 not welcome at all!!

Poor Holly seems to have an exploding bottom - 5 lots of very bad nappies today sad Hope she's not poorly and it's just a bit of upset tummy. Don't think I've eaten anything unusual so not sure what's causing it. Last one was quite green coloured. Think we could be in for an unsettled night poor thing.

ladies you are all truly wonderful, thinking of MrMia and I, despite all the unfairness and injustice going on in your lives... amazingly kind and generous of you all. thanks Especially big hugs to blizy and your DH, greengoose, kleine, and angel and her Phebs

The coroner will give his verdict about Mia tomorrow. Today was a better day for us, with a strong expert witness who was very clear and convincing about the treatment which should have happened for Mia. MrMia and I also gave evidence. It is still likely to be natural causes, but we now feel we have done all we could in our quest for truth for our beautiful daughter at this point in time, so feeling a little more at ease.

Oooh angel happy birthday to Phebs for tomorrow. How lovely smile) What are your plans xxx

Mias posted on your fb but again totally in awe of you guys. It's no wonder Mia was so fabulous with parents like you xxx

Little9 Wed 17-Oct-12 22:21:25

Just popping on to say good luck for tomorrow, mias. I am in awe of your strength and I'm sure little Mia will be so proud of how her Mummy has fought for her. Positive thoughts winging their way to u and MrMia.

Hello and hugs to everyone. Sorry too tired to name check, xx

AngelGeorgie Wed 17-Oct-12 23:35:19

'Miasmum xxxxx you re so strong ... Hope tomorrow brings a tiny amount of resolution for your family .... I m sure Mia is looking down on you smiling .... Pls take care of yourself & each other... Xxxxxx. Good luck xxxx
Blizy Arh bugger!!!! Crapty crap ... Your poor hubby ... Hope you re both ok? You seem very strong as a couple I m sure you ll pull together through this latest hurdle & go on to achieve your rainbow xxx
Wtw poor Holly ... Hope she's better soon ... I too get that impending sense of doom now with regards to sleepless nights hmm
Spilt hope stuff improves soon for you all... We re all tired too as Phebs still having disturbed nights but slightly better last night only awake from 11-1 ish!!!! Also totally skint!!! Ouch .... With regards to the cars .... So expensive aren t they to run????? We ve had to take out another loan to help us out at the moment ... So skint it's a nightmare particularly with the depressing news nursery fees are increasing so much sad... Hope all settles soon xxxx
Blue whoop whoop only 32 days to go yeh... grin
Moomins not long for you either? Xx
Kleine hope u re ok? Xxx
Hi babyH how are you? Xxx
Love to all.... Work continues to be stupidly busy , broke up today to Monday ... Just wrapped Phebs's bday presentsgrin
Tomorrow: we re meeting our MW ; Helen who delivered Georgie & Was in the theatre for Phebs for a coffee then out for lunch , in to Ant's work to show Phebs off then home .... Will be lovely xxxx
Can t believe she's 1 time has gone so quickly .... Xxxx

blizy Thu 18-Oct-12 07:03:01

Happy 1st birthday to Pheobe! Hope you all have a lovely day. X

Mias- I am thinking of you both today, my hand is here for you to grip onto. X

greengoose Thu 18-Oct-12 07:37:22

Happy birthday PHEOBE! X

BLIZY, sorry about your news.... Are you having a meeting to discuss with consultant?

MIASMUMMY, I'm glad yesterday allowed your opinions and voices to be heard. You are almost through it now.... You must be exhausted.... We will be thinking about you today and sending love and hope. X

BABY H, how are things? I hope you are ok. Xxx

ANGEL, your nursery is criminal! How do they get away with that big a hike in prices? Sounds like you have a lovely day lined up.... Enjoy!

WTW, green poo! Has she settled any, or did it continue through the night? Exploding nappies are hard work!

Got to get up now... Nothing started here, wish it would just get on with it... Might be weeks if I let it happen naturally, but ERPC would mean third time my insides have been hoovered, so possible scarring, then two complete cycles before ttc. The pills would mean three complete cycles. And both these options would strip my lining out, so negate any 'fertility advantage' from the MC. Not sure my body's bright enough to work it out on its own though!! I'll give it two weeks until scan, and if nothing's happening by then, I'll have to reconsider I think. Bloody hell, I hate this. I just want to get on with it now....

AngelGeorgie Thu 18-Oct-12 08:37:02

Thanks xxxx she's had lovely cards & presents it makes me realise how we'll loved our rainbow babies are ( as our angels are too) xxxx
Green remember that waiting / willing for a mc to start its horrible...sad my first MMC was diagnosed at the scan at 12 weeks, had died at 8 weeks I had medical management was awful. Took about 6 weeks in total before I stopped bleeding. My 2 nd MC was when I started bleeding at 8 weeks... I too had an ERPC then & found it so much quicker, cleaner & easier ... But I understand where you re coming from ; you re waiting your body to do what it should naturally ... Poor u ... Hope something happens soon xxxxx god , it's crap at times isn t it? Then life's fabulous on days like this for us... Funny old world!!!! grinxxx.

AngelGeorgie Thu 18-Oct-12 08:38:28

Don t mean to sound flippant hmm just re-read the end of my message. Just meant life is so odd at times xxxx

greengoose Thu 18-Oct-12 09:29:45

I know what you meant Angel..... I'm waiting on MC while planning a birthday party.... 'normal' just isn't normal anymore. When I had my first MC it floored me, now it just seems almost predictable, and part of my life... Hopefully this will be the last time!!
Sounds like PHEOBE is having love showered on her, as she should! Enjoy your day.... A year a go today you gave birth to her, so it should be your day too, I think!!

Ellypoo Thu 18-Oct-12 12:54:37

Happy Birthday Pheobe!!! I hope you are enjoying the day angel.

Green, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this again - I just hope that it happens quickly and naturally for you, with as little pain as possible xxx

mias, you are so strong, I'm pleased that you & MrMias got a chance to talk about your girl and with everyone listening to you xxx Thinking of you so much xxx

blizy, how angry that the doc said that DH's results were ok, and now they have come back with low motility - I hope that the written results give you a bit more to go on. Are there things that can improve it?

Yay for 23 weeks moomins, that's great news - countdown now on for 29 weeks eh?

Amy, kleine, fan, how are you all doing?

My scan is next Thursday morning, and I'm absolutely bricking it. I'm terrified that it will show a MMC - I don't know if I can wait another week.

KleinePoppet Thu 18-Oct-12 12:58:23

Huge huge love to miasmum and family today...

And still sending lots of love and hugs to green of course too. This just really sucks for you, doesn't it, it's just AWFUL. So hoping things will happen naturally for you, as you want ('want'). Going through the general hideousness of an ERPC now is to be avoided if poss, I quite agree.

Happy 1st Birthday to Phebs!! Have a lovely day, special little girl...

How is Holly today wtw? Poor girl, with an exploding tummy. So so hope she's feeling better.

spilt thank you for the apology, bless you, but really no need. I definitely don't expect everyone on here to remember every little thing I've ever written! I am pretty stressed out by the news, tbh, so am just giving myself some quiet days to recover a little. Our clinic has good stats, but we don't know how well I'd respond to the drugs... I guess we'll see.

Much love to all xx

KleinePoppet Thu 18-Oct-12 13:00:26

elly holding your hand, lovie. You've got this far. You CAN do it, you'll manage to wait if you have to. Lots of love xx

Hope you are having a fun day phebs and angel smile xx

greengoose Thu 18-Oct-12 17:18:36

Just a very quick wave to everyone as off out to do shopping.....

Today is six months since we held Merryn and said goodbye. Love you my girl, I wish you were here with me. Xx

RainboxFX Thu 18-Oct-12 17:27:49

Happy birthday Phebs! And really thinking of Mia today.

So many of us having tough times, it is so unfair. You would think we had earned a break! Haven't name checked, as I am scared I will miss someone! But thinking about us all.

Today I have had to comfort my MIL since my SIL is not talking to her. Why? Because she wasn't invited to Dex's funeral angry. She has been a bit of a shit all year (SIL that is) and I am really fed up of it. Still, not such a big problem in the grand scheme of things.

Love to everyone.

blizy Thu 18-Oct-12 18:33:43

Rainbox- that's a bit crap. I wasn't aware that you have to invite people to funerals these days? Hope you are ok?

Elly- you can and will get through the next week, we will be here helping you every step of the way. X

KleinePoppet Thu 18-Oct-12 18:41:07

rainbox I think I am officially having a 'anger' moment (as opposed to, y'know, denial/bargaining/depression yada yada yada), as when I read that I just thought, oh - I would slap her. I really would. How ridiculous. I am just so fed up with other people using our children's deaths to their own ends. As if it's not terrible enough. Really so sorry for you, and for your DH, that some of his family are being so difficult xx

Hi blizy hope you're doing ok today smile

Must cook dinner...

KleinePoppet Thu 18-Oct-12 18:42:30

PS if you tell SIL that she is more than welcome not to invite you to her own funeral, do you think that would help? wink

KleinePoppet Thu 18-Oct-12 18:57:40

green I'm so sorry, I was so busy being outraged by rainbox's SIL that i missed yout message.
Six months...
Just a big hug from me, and I am thinking of oh-so-pretty, brave little Merryn. xx

blizy Thu 18-Oct-12 19:45:30

Green. I remember the 6 month mile stone. It was a rough one. Hope
You are doing ok? Thinking of you an your precious Merryn. X

Kleine- I'm ok today, thanks. We just need to take it as it comes. No point in worrying until Dh has his next Semen analysis.
How are you? I was irrationally angry for a long time, I focused all of my anger onto my poor filblush. Hope you are ok. X

Sorry I haven't replied to everyone, I'm so tired. I can't seem to sleep at night, I think the last full night I had was before I was pregnant! Yawn! Hope everyone is well, I am thinking of you. X

Oh green Blizy is right 6 months is a hard one. Especially with the horrible week you're already having sad I wish I could scoop you up and take it all away xx

Rainbox stupid IL's angry I'm with Kleine - tell her to bugger off! Bloody families do my head in - I'm having them today too. My dads wife refused to come to Erin's funeral for some petty reason (long story) and is now surprised that we have invited her to Holly's christening. My dad is now making me feel like the bad guy! Grrrr. Have just told him if it's a choice of both of them or neither of them then it will have to be the latter!

Elly we'll get you through! I remember the fear of waiting for scans so well. One day at a time lovey you'll get there

Mias just (((hugs))) what a week you've had my lovely friend. Am in awe of your strength. Hope you can have some quiet relaxing time over the next few days before Mia's anniversary next week.

Fan woolly wool should be with you early next week was dispatched today smile

Blizy glad you're as okay as possible

Poor Holly still really suffering with her tummy/wind sad

greengoose Thu 18-Oct-12 21:04:33

Well, I've just started MCing, (half way round supermarket!) I know I was willing it to start, but today was already pretty shitty without this. It means it will hopefully be done naturally, and my body is working better than I thought, at least. I hope it doesn't hurt too much, I just don't have the reserves right now, and I need to get Ks party sorted out. Bugger. I was looking forward to having a boogy on Sunday, (Ks having a Disco, I'm a bit sad, but Ill take any and all dancing opportunity)! Might not be my week for dancing...

ELLy, it's horrible waiting for scans isn't it? There is no reason to think the worst though, I'm sure you'll be ok love. Xxx

KLEINE, I did laugh at the idea of you slapping anyone, it's not how you come across! (although you have every reason to be letting the 'angry KLEINE' out just now). Not sure I'll be making to London anytime over the next two weeks. Sad, as I had been looking forward to meeting you. Next time...

BLIZY, sorry youre not sleeping well, it makes everything that bit harder...

Six months is a hard one. dP didn't remember. I reminded him, which was just cruel, but I needed him to remember with me, it's too soon to be the only one who remembers these dates. I wish I had left him though, he looked so sad... After my boys got to six months I got a bit foggy on the dates, I kind of hope that happens with Merryn now, it would be less relentless. Maybe thats selfish, but not an hour goes by I don't yearn for her, so the date doesn't really matter.

We are most of us having a rough ride right now, I really hope things start to look up soon.... Xxxx.

RainboxFX Thu 18-Oct-12 21:46:14

Oh Green I am sorry. I'm sorry it all started today, on Merryn's six month anniversery. I hope you are holding up alright. It is all so unfair. I do think you were right to remind DH though. I know mine is not always great with dates, he tends to forget, but it doesn't mean he cares any less. He is always there to comfort me when I am down. I am sure yours is too. And so are we xx

Kleine thank you, you do make me laugh! At the moment I would go to her funeral just to make sure ;) We buried Dexter on a Wednesday morning with just our parents because that is what we wanted. I was so sick and we were so broken that I just didn't give a shit what she thought. I still don't. She can piss off. But I wish she would not take it out on MIL. She is a lovely woman. Thinking about you and your DH too, I know times are hard xx

WTW families are awful sometimes! Luckily we are blessed with lots of great family members, hope you are too. Hope Miss H feels better soon too xx

Blizy I can't believe the hospital did that to you with your DH's results. That must be so frustrating. For what it's worth, DH's came back with low mobility and we still concieved Dexter. Hope you get a decent nights sleep soon too, it does just make everything worse. The ADs helped even out my sleep when I was having horrible insomnia. xx

Elly thinking about you for your scan xx

Nearly at the end of my 2ww I think! Though I didn't get a temp spike, I am due in 5 days or so and am still showing fertile CM so who knows!!

KleinePoppet Thu 18-Oct-12 22:25:47

green sad really thinking of you. I'm glad that the MC is happening naturally but I am so so sorry that it has to happen at all. Today of all days...
I hope so very much it's not too painful. There is an entire tonne of KleinePoppet-love coming your way xx
(although, yes, some Kleine-anger-on-your-behalf is probably in there too)

rainbox and blizy love to you as well, will reply properly when less tired x

blizy Thu 18-Oct-12 23:36:21

Rainbox- if your sil can't understand why you both chose to keep Dexters' funeral private, then stuff her. Hope you are ok?

Green, I am so sorry the mc is happening, it is so bloody cruel, especially today. Sending you lots of gentle hugs, I hope you are ok. X

green just big <hugs> for you. Huge <hugs>.

Today the coroner delivered a narrative verdict regarding Mia's death, rather than simply a death by natural causes. While it didn't go quite as far as we had hoped, in that no specific neglect or failure on behalf of the hospital was noted, the most important sentences for us were these - "the serious nature of her condition was not recognised' and "her impending arrest was not recognised". He also criticised the hospital for not having senior paediatric staff on site to take the necessary treatment decisions. Further, under Rule 43, where a coroner can specify actions be taken to prevent future deaths, the coroner requires the hospital to undertake an immediate review into its paediatric care and management for seriously ill children, particularly out-of-hours, weekends and bank holidays.

The inquest highlighted two potential diagnoses of her symptoms - unfortunately, the hospital treated the wrong one. As we already knew, Mia's port-mortem revealed that she had a bacterial growth on her otherwise healthy heart. While very rare, expert witnesses did feel this would have been treatable, if only her symptoms had been recognised... They were unable to give a better prognosis of survival more than short-to-medium term, however. The inquest also showed that opportunities did exist earlier to intervene in Mia's decline, using routine medical procedures, but sadly these were not taken... However, we respect the coroner's verdict, and do feel that he has been very pro-active in establishing the facts around Mia's death.

Love you forever, darling girl. We have tried to do our very, very best for you.

greengoose Fri 19-Oct-12 00:33:11

MIASMUMMY. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this, any of it. It sounds like your bravery and determination could save another child, but I wish it wasn't the way it is. You must be exhausted. I hope you can draw your loved ones close this WE and be looked after. You have fought so hard for Mia, now I think you should be looked after for a while. Take care. Xxx

We have spent the evening mixing the play list for Ks fifth birthday. Never thought I'd be doing the Time Warp while MCing....today of all days. DP and I laughed a lot. I think it's all there is left to do today. Life is strange.

'Night everyone. X

AngelGeorgie Fri 19-Oct-12 07:07:25

green sorry xxxxx hope you re physically okish? As much as you can be xxxxxx crap as it is at least , I guess , your body is doing what it should do naturally. Funny how ; we have to look at the smallest or oddest of actions as " good" hope u can still " enjoy" the party a little... Take care xxxx
Kleine loosing a child really hilights the good & bad in people .as well documented on here my MIL( who is a complete cow anyhow) behaved appallingly when we lost Georgie which culminated in a massive row 6 weeks later ( she was ringing Ant & threatening to commit sucide , whilst we were grieving & he had started a new job) with me having never spoken to her since. Which is exactly what I want, she's seen
Phebs once since she was born ( she lives 3 miles away , drives , 3 opportunities we ve given her to meet us in the local park, 3 times she's come up with BS excuses) ...but on the other side my family are wonderful & we ve brillant friends who've shown us excellant support ... ( we only list her & 1 ditched 1 friend who " was too upset to tell me she was pg 6 weeks after Georgie died... No love , you don t want to upset yourself which is fine, but don t make out you re looking out for me!!!) xxxxxx
Miasmum you re such a brave, strong lady you ve done Mia proud. You ve fought to the end whilst dealing with your own grief & achieved sustainable alterations which , hopefully, will help others in the future & prevent others experiencing the grief you have. Well done ... Pls rest , if possible, be proud of yourself. Take care , much love to u all xxxx
Love to all...
We had a lovely bday , thanks for all your lovely wishes. We met the MW who delivered Georgie & Phebs for a catch up
& coffee. She's so lovely & I feel a real connection with hergrin then went for lunch. Phebs good as gold loved the presents we ve bought her , had fab cards & presents... Tomorrow off to Blackpool to see the illuminations & a family celebration with my mum, dad & bro ( tea party in their camper van!!!!) love it !!!winkxxxx
I count my blessings every day she's here as she completes me. I am finally content & so hope we can all feel this way very soon xxxxxxx

green how crap is it that the time you didn't want it to happen, it decides to happen. It always seams to happen this way. Hugs to you, I hope its not too painful and that it is over quickly.

Sorry to have been a little bit quiet the past few days, its ove time from today and also I've been pretty busy with the crochet hook.
I will try to catch up tonight.

KleinePoppet Fri 19-Oct-12 11:24:22

Just popping my head in to send so much love to miasmummy and to green today.

Also to tell fan off, for taking the time to post when you are about to ov - really, we should ban people from posting during their fertile window... wink

Babyh200 Fri 19-Oct-12 16:29:52

Just a quick hello. So sorry I haven't been around the last couple of days. My ds came home from school with a bug and was sick4 England. Kept him off Wed an yesterday 2 be on the safe side but after the car broke Tuesday we had fell behind with the packing.Left last night for our half term holiday 2 Butlins an stayed in a Premier Inn 2 avoid Friday traffic. Eventually arrived at 9.15pm and my DH ended up being violently sick all night sad ended up trying 2 entertain kids until 12pm so DH could sleep. Got in the car to complete the final part of our journey and the car was broke. Been in a garage all day why they tried to source the part (non available) but they have done a temporary repair so we are now back on the road an gonna have 2 confine ourselves 2 the room until at least 2moro in case we are germ ridden. Anyway enough of our bad luck I'm do sorry I haven't been offerring much needed support. Everyones having such a tough time at the moment.
GREEN : So sorry its started...you are in my thoughts....I don't know what 2 say to ease your pain. Sending lots of love xxxx
Miasmummy.: Thinking of u glad its over just from a sanity point of view.....you did your beautiful daughter proud in your quest for truth.
Angel: A belated birthday wish to Phebs...glad you had a nice day. xxx
Blizy: Thinking of u and your DH x
Rainbox: Sorry about the shitty in laws xx
Kliene: Hope your ok x
Blue: Not long now wishing the days away for you x
Waves to Elly, Fan, Amy Split, Little, Too, Moomins an Whatever xxxx
So sorry if I missed someone but you are all in my thoughts I promise. Reading the thread even though not posting. Lots of love and hugs xxx

Ellypoo Fri 19-Oct-12 16:50:23

Hi all, thanks for the good wishes - I am just paranoid, but I guess that's only natural under the circumstances. Just been in a meeting at work with MD and a couple of others because a woman that's currently on mat leave (she had DD1 in Feb) is pg again, and due in May - I feel really weird about it, and I don't know why, but partly because we finished for mat leave the same day just before Christmas last year, and now she is due around the same time as me again. I don't have any right to feel funny about it - I can't even explain how I feel really. Just weird.

Green, just sending huge hugs to you, I hope that it is as pain free as possible for you xxx My DH is rubbish with dates too, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't constantly think about her too - sure yours does too, but you were right to remind him.

Mias, you certainly did Mia very proud, you have all worked so hard for this inquest, it must have been really tough on you, but well done for getting through it. A positive outcome in a lot of ways xxx

Babyh, what a nightmare start to your holiday - I hope that everyone recovers very soon & that you enjoy at least some of your holiday.

Rainbox, angry at insensitive & bloody selfish SIL. You really shouldn't have to deal with such behaviour.

Fan the woollyhugs that you do are lovely - such a special gift to make and give xxx

Hi to everyone - such rubbish times on here at the moment - I just want to send hugs & cake to you all xxx

Ellypoo Sat 20-Oct-12 16:54:23

Hello - where is everyone? It's really quiet - hope you are all ok xxx

Little9 Sat 20-Oct-12 17:10:51

Hello Elly. I was thinking that too. Everyone seems to have fallen off MN at the same time! Hopefully, they're out there somewhere too busy enjoying themselves to post! How are you feeling today? I'm rather more optimistic today. I've been really nervous the last few days and have tried to stop worrying and put some perspective on it. Have just come to the conclusion that I can't change what is going to happen and I shall enjoy being pregnant now and deal with any cr*p if it happens. Seems to be working so far.

Hello to everyone else and hope you are all ok. You're all in my thoughts, xx

Ellypoo Sat 20-Oct-12 18:01:25

That's a great attitude to have little - I'm hoping that I'll feel a bit more like that after thurs, I did earlier, think I'm just building myself up just in case it's not good news at the scan. You are absolutely right though, we can't change what is going to happen, so take it one day at a time, and go with Angel's mantra - today I am pregnant.

Hopefully everyone is off doing lovely things too - thinking about you all x

I actually went swimming this morning, for the first time in ages, so felt good for that, but DH isn't very well - he's rarely ill so is feeling quite sorry for himself, so we have just been vegging out all day, going to get a chinese for dinner, rather than going out like we were going to - quite pleased, am shattered so enjoying the rest!!

Little9 Sun 21-Oct-12 08:56:03

Elly I'm sure all will well on Thurs. FX for you. I'm sure I'll be the same if I get near having any scans. I need to start swimming as haven't been to the gym in months. Just haven't had the inclination since we lost Daisy. Glad you had a relaxing day yesterday.

Think we're going to be mattress hunting today as ours is so old and both DH and I are waking up with bad backs and arms that have gone to sleep (not good)!!!

Hello and waves to everyone. Hope all is well out there, xx

KleinePoppet Sun 21-Oct-12 14:35:42

It does rather seem as if everyone has run to the hills!! I was one of the escapees this weekend - we had to get out... it was so horrible to be in our silent, without-a-baby house that we have spent most of the weekend far away from it. Can't say we 'enjoyed' ourselves, but it was good to just get in the car and drive and be somewhere else. Back home now.

Hi elly and little. Hope you are both managing to feel positive today?
elly just a few days left until your scan now. Btw I don't think it's at all strange that you were feeling weird about the woman at your work - it's another way of bringing home to you what others have, but you don't. She will be on maternity leave with her two babies, and you will be on maternity leave (yes, you WILL) but will have only one of your two. One is so very much better than none, but it's impossibly hard in so many ways, too.

babyh what an awful start to your holiday! I hope everyone is feeling a lot better now, and that you're all able to enjoy yourselves a little bit. Also, I guess you are just a few days behind me with your first cycle on your CBFM...

Still sending lots of love to green. Thinking of you xx

Also mias I know that it's very nearly at the one-year point for you now, so you are in the horrible run-up (I haven't had to do it yet, obviously. But I already know it's horrible). Loads of love to you and I hope you are still able to feel close to your lovely lovely Mia xx

fan how has your weekend been, lovely? And blizy? Hope you are both doing ok xx

What have I missed? Oh yes - rainbox - you made me laugh with your comment about how you'd go to your SIL's funeral 'just to make sure' grin And angel, hope that Phebs is still enjoying all her birthday celebrations! Love to all xx

Hey ladies, I have been reading just didnt post. Ive been busy finishing off a present for DH for his birthday it in two weeks but I only have a few hours to complete the pressie.

Im doing ok a little down but nothing too drastic. I qlways seem to feel a little down after the ov period, I always feel so good during the ov time, I guess thats natures way to get you in the mood. And then I always feel a but down after in the lead up to AF. TWW is the worst isnt it? I am going to try and keep busy to try and not think about it all.

Green how are you? How was the boys birthday? I hope your not in too much pain.

poppet I understand wanting to get out, it can be frustrating sitting there thinking of what should have been.

waves to everyone I hope you are all well.

blizy Sun 21-Oct-12 16:59:39

Hi all,

fan, I live around 15- 20 mins away from where your dh was brought up!

green- How are you?

kleine- I know what you mean about wanting out of the house, it feels incredibly loney somethimes.

little, hope you are ok?

elly, not long to wait now my lovely. x

Dh and i were out all day walking around a park, it was lovely to get out. the sun is shining here (for a change).

Big waves to everyone x

Near radio silence all round! Not much to report here, other than I have finally worked out that Freya is teething. It's taken me a while because she's never really done it before, the teeth just appeared. But eventually have pieced together vile nappies, grizzly disturbed nights, food refusal and cucumber obsession. Mystery is solved!

miasmummy I have been thinking of you and yours a lot this last week. I read your article in your local paper and thought you and MrMia spoke very well and eloquently. There's nothing really to say, no helpful thoughts, just much love xx Autumn is very much Mia's season to me, all the red & gold leaves make me think of her and her wood everytime. You did pick lovely photos for the press. You did her proud this week. You must be exhausted xx

green how's things? Hope DS's party went as well as it could in the circs.

Glad you got some sunshine blizy

elly thinking of you this week xx

little great mindset, long may it last. Enjoy every minute of the pg that you can.

babyh waah that sounds like a nightmare holiday. After you and angel I think we will not bother for this year!! Prob just as well what with the expensive cat & cars this month. It all comes at once doesn't it.

greengoose Mon 22-Oct-12 09:31:18

Hi all, sorry I've been absent over the WE, I just needed to get through and not think too much. DSs party was a trial if I'm honest, but he loved every minute, so worth it. Things properly kicked off with the MC last night as we were clearing up the village hall after the party, so I just made it. (I had visions of CSI type scenes under the disco uv light). Last night was really sore, and no sleep, just sat on loo. Today it's all very full on, but it should be better quickly if its going this fast... So that's good! The boys will have to have a quiet day, far too much tv and left over party food, but it won't hurt. ( half term for two weeks here).

SPILT, glad you've worked out Freya's teething! Always easier to know what's wrong... Even if there's not all that much to do about it!

BLIZY, you make me 'home' sick for Glasgow! I used to live there while I was at art school, (I'm from Stirling). Glasgows the best city in the uk I think! I lived just near Glasgow Green, and when they used to do T in The Park there, we could see from our windows. I think that whole area is demolished and rebuilt now, it was on the edge of the Gorbals. Forever ago now....

FAN, sorry you're a bit down. I get flat at that end of my cycles too. I prefer having AF to the TWW, it's rubbish. I have everything crossed for you..... Xxx

KLEINE, hugs to you, lovely lady. Nothing I can say, but I wish that life would be easier on you. I hope you found some comfort in your travels this WE.

LITTLE, did you get a new mattress? I too need to get back to doing some exercise. I'm rubbish though. Hate the gym, and crap at running. Only like swimming in the river or sea. I am big as a house ATM though, so will force myself soon... Probably running, it's easy to fit into life, and free!

ELLY, not so long to wait now. Hope your DH is feeling a little better.... And well done for going swimming!

Hello to everyone else on this wet Monday, hope you are all ok. Xxx

Ellypoo Mon 22-Oct-12 12:36:53

Just had some lovely news - a friend I went to uni with has been TTC since getting married 3 year ago, we kind of lost touch when I got pg with Nancy because she was finding it hard, fair enough. She has just contacted me to tell me she is 9 weeks pg!! 5th round of IUI (precursor to IVF apparently) - I'm soooo pleased for them!!! She was worried to tell me, bless her, because of losing Nancy, but I'm absolutely over the moon for them - it's just such lovely news that I wanted to share it with you all xxx

Will read back properly later xxx

Last 2 weeks of work... last 2 weeks of work! Absolutely exhausted... sad
Had a busy weekend too... drove down to Oxford on Saturday to visit theological college I would like to go to. Was a very nice but tiring day. Yesterday after church I was just completely exhausted and stayed on the sofa all day.
Tonight we've got E's first parents evening at school! Exciting! smile

green take it easy! thinking of you x glad you managed DS's party!

We've got E's 4th birthday party on Sunday evening, it's at the Wacky Warehouse so won't have to do anything luckily, except provide a (shop-bought) birthday cake.

elly that's great news about your friend. A good friend of mine is on her second cycle of IUI.

blue wow not long to wait. How's the prep for home birthing going?

fan the midwife is coming here on Wednesday to discuss everything about home birth with us <glances around and needs to tidy up> hopefully after that visit I know what I need to get... I'm not having a pool set up anyway so won't have to bother about that.
Still need to get clothes down from the attic though and washed and sorted.

elly lovely news about your friend and I'm so glad you feel happy for her and ok about it too - reactions can be weird and hard and unexpected sometimes. Did you tell her about your pg too? You must be very similar dates?

green you sound very matter of fact. I'm so sorry for how shittily it's all panned out. Big hugs and lots of strength to you. Hope you are being well looked after by DH xx

miasmummy how are you this week? You've been building up the inquest for so long, I wonder if it's a bit strange now that focus is gone? I hope it's a relief and you are getting some rest, mental as well as physical xx

blue I remember that tiredness well, you have my sympathies. I don't know how you felt after E & S's births, but certainly I felt so much more energy for not being pregnant anymore, you don't realise how much it saps out of you! Not long now and you can lie on your front again!! And walk at a normal pace!

blizy Mon 22-Oct-12 16:05:57

Great news about your friend elly!

hi split, how is Freya with teething today?

Green, I hope you had a peaceful day and are ok?
I love Glasgow too, I live in between Glasgow and Stirling. I used to frequent the art school union with my friend, i had many a messy night there.

Blue, exciting times ahead! My sister is due around the same time as you (15th) and its my birthday on 20thgrin. I was at my sisters today, mooning over all of her little babies clothes and moses basket. I might be away in holiday when she gives birth though.

Little9 Mon 22-Oct-12 18:23:09

Hello all.

Green - big hugs. Hope you're ok. Even better than getting a new mattress....we got a whole new bed!! We've slightly downsized to a Kingsize as our old one Superking is somewhat overpowering the bedroom. It arrives tomorrow, so am very excited!

elly - brilliant news for your friend. FX all goes ok for her.

blue - how exciting for you. Not long now grin

Today I was quite nauseous this morning and again this afternoon. Taking ginger nuts into work tomorrow to see if it's because I need food (seemed to help with Daisy) and am taking it as a good sign.

Waves to everyone else. Hope you are all ok, xxx

KleinePoppet Mon 22-Oct-12 18:27:20

Just quickly wanted to send love to green and say that I hope so very much you've not been in too much pain, and that at some point you'll get a nap in. This really sucks... you are truly extraordinary for managing the birthday party.

Waves to all! And hugs for all who need one (can't scroll back but I remember that fan was feeling down...) xx

She's ok thanks blizy. I have tempted her with cullen skink tonight which has gone down well, nice and soft, huzzah! I was just so relieved to realise the food refusal was teething, I had horrible visions of her turning into a child who only eats plain pasta and cucumber <scream> It would drive me round the twist!

Ooh new bed, little how fab smile Nothing like a luxurious new mattress. We are half thinking about doing the opposite to you and going from a king to a superking - F takes up lots of space these days, me & DH are getting squished grin. Sorry you've got the sickness, it's really miserable. I definitely found that eating at the first hint of nausea helped (so all bloody day then!), counterintuitive, but hunger made the sickness worse. Sod healthy, eat whatever you can face.

Just wanted to pop on and say that I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and Wednesday. Am sure both days will be incredibly difficult. Do you have any plans? xx

Darling green I'm sorry you are going through this hideous time. I so wish I could make it all better for you

Ah the teething split poor Freya. Katie got her first 2 teeth at 10 weeks old shock she then went onto get the full set by 7 months! It was a very intense period of ridiculously young teething but it did get it all over with quickly!

New bed sounds lush little I'd love love love a king size bed!

Blue can't believe how close you are now! So hope the next few weeks fly by for you. Is E getting excited? xx

Waves fan glad the wool arrived smile How you doing lovely?

Great news about your friend Elly it's so incredibly sad what trauma people go through to get their children.

Lots of love Kleine totally understand the need for a change of scene xx

All well here. Looking forward to having my big girl home for the week next week. Have got some spooky Halloween activities planned smile Holly seems to be growing at a rate of knots and changing every day. I feel so bloody lucky to have her. Dp wants to start putting her to bed upstairs in the evenings now but I just don't think I can yet......not sure when I'll be ready to stop checking her every 5 minutes!

Sorry if I've missed anyone - a hot bath is calling grin

Love to all xxxxx

Really should proof read - Miasmummy am sure you realised but the first part was to you! xx

wow to all teeth by 7 months wtw, Freya didn't get her first one until about 9 months (bad mother - can't actually remember, but it was fairly late!). I know what you mean about feeling so lucky and checking all the time. Don't rush it if you're not ready, plenty of time xx

Hello all. Just feeling very weird. Drained. As if all this happened to someone else, I even travelled to London today for a business meeting... But so very sad and confused on the inside. Now it's time to have my real life back, please. The one with my little red-head toddler here, who pats my tummy and chats about 'baby.' It all happens in my head, that's for sure.

We were playing some videos of Mia over the weekend, and the baby responded to Mia's squeaks and squeals, kicking very noticeably. That made us happy, but in a sad way. And MrMia and I hugged for some reason later in the day, and my round belly was in the way, which made me start to cry, as I felt we were having a three-way family hug, which should have been a four-way hug with Mia scooped up in our arms too.

But we were horribly scared yesterday, when we heard that one of Mia's friends was admitted overnight to hospital with a chest infection and shallow, fast breathing, on her 2nd birthday. Surely it couldn't happen again? And like us, there had been a death in the family only a few days before. We were so very anxious. Fortunately, she was discharged late yesterday.

Tonight I went to pre-natal yoga classes for the first time, and as I was late and flustered, I had to launch into my personal introduction quite quickly, and ended up blurting more about Mia than this little baby inside me. I am hoping that I will be able to make some new baby friends, but worried that my 'bereaved mother' status will make things very awkward for others to feel like they can approach me. Very glad that my SIL is in the class, as she makes friends easily - just as I used to - so I am hoping that will help.

Forgot to say that we have no plans for tomorrow. We are ignoring MrMia's birthday, as he says it no longer has any significance to him. MrMia is going to work, although he has admitted his head is not in the right place, and he is drained of energy. But on Wednesday, he and I will be planting snowdrops and bluebells at Mia's Wood with my parents.

We received her death certificate today. sad sad sad

AugustMoon Tue 23-Oct-12 07:22:10

Missing you all just so busy all the time with my boys I barely have a chance to read and am missing so much!
blue here to follow your last few weeks of pg, exciting and nerve racking times smile
mias thinking of you today x
wtw holly is so cute, and I live K's smile - what a gorgeous pair
little congrats
green so sorry, hope you're getting some rest <squeezes hand>

AugustMoon Tue 23-Oct-12 07:23:40

thanks for Mia

AugustMoon Tue 23-Oct-12 07:25:17

Sorry, on phone, was meant to be thanks flowers. Royally messed that up!

AugustMoon Tue 23-Oct-12 07:26:39

Again -
thanks for Mia

blizy Tue 23-Oct-12 08:09:38

mias, sending you and mrmia huge hugs. x

AngelGeorgie Tue 23-Oct-12 08:35:13

Miasmum xxxxx love to you all xxxxx life is incredibly surreal sometimes isn t it? I get that confused xxx
Green hope u re ok as you can be? Xxx
Kleine hi, how are you? Xxx
Wtw gosh !!!! Teeth at 7 weeks!!!! ??? Xx
Hope your girls are good? We didn t put Phebs in her own room to about 5 months... Xxc phebs still hasn t got 1 tooth & has been teething intermittently since she was about 5 months old .i feel so sorry for her & it's a royal pain now!!!! Xxx
Spilt what's Cullen skink? Xxx
Blue yeh to finishing work soon xxxx
Hope everyone else is well?
Had a fab , but exhausting weekend in Blackpool. Phebs recieved loads of lovely cards & presents (& a shed load of cash!!!) she loved the lights we were just knackered as we didn t get to bed to 1 am Sun then she wouldn t sleep in her travel cot so ended up in bed with us which always guarantees she sleeps well we don't!!!!
Felt flu like again Sun night , didn t get home to 6 I was in bed at 8 then Phebs was awake at 4!!! To 6 then work , really hard this week as we re moving premises so lugging tables, packing up clinic rooms then un packing them... The lift broke ( we re 3 floors up in our new place , walk in centre) so the poor delivery men we re carrying our couches up 8 lots of stairs!!! Bless them ...,felt flu like again ... So sick of feeling ill & was a little worried if something is underlying but convinced its just being tired & never fully recovering. Never getting a full night un disturbed sleep whilst working.... Could do with a week off to sleep xxxx
But apart from that we re all good!!!! Miss Phebs has had a week long celebrations for her birthday gringrin
Love to all xxxxxx

greengoose Tue 23-Oct-12 09:07:26

MiasMummy, thinking of you, MrMia and your amazing Mia today, sending you all love. Xxx

Ellypoo Tue 23-Oct-12 09:14:30

Morning all

Sending much love & hugs to mias and MrMia, what an incredibly tough time for you, following the inquest which was the focus for you both for such a long time.

I'm pleased that some of you managed to get out and about this weekend - the weather here was lovely, but DH was poorly so I welcomed the opportunity to do very little all weekend & just slob around with him!!

2 days to go, and first counselling session this afternoon - what a week! Am in London all day tomorrow for a management meeting with work, so that should distract me at least a little bit.

How are you doing green, I hope it is settling down a bit now and that you are managing some rest & sleep.

Hope Freya is ok spilt and is starting to eat a bit and isn't in too much pain, it must be horrid when they are teething.

little, so envy at your new bed!! We broke ours so got rid of it when we moved, so are just in the spare double bed at the moment, can't wait to get a new king size!!

[waves] to everyone else - hope you are doing ok xx

KleinePoppet Tue 23-Oct-12 10:06:32

Firstly today - huge hugs to miasmummy and mrmia. Thinking of Mia, and wishing so very hard that she were here with you, that today was an entirely different type of day. Lots and LOTS of love xx

green there is still loads of love coming your way from me, too xx

elly how lovely about your friend! I do so hope for her that she has a very uneventful pregnancy ahead of her. Infertility is so tough.
And - just two little days until your scan now...

spilt how is Freya doing now?

little oh, the nausea... I hope that ginger/crackers/etc do work for you. (My pg was off-the-scale for sickness - used to want to punch people when they suggested ginger to me - by week 11, I was on drugs that were designed for chemo patients, and even they didn't work that well!! But hopefully you will be able to manage it ok. Very much agree with whoever said just to eat whatever you can.)

blue hope your midwife appt goes well tomorrow, and that you manage to get some rest soon, too... It IS exhausting, isn't it, carrying a little person around inside you all the time! Is E excited about her party?

blizy it must be hard with your sis due so soon. How are you coping with it all? Lovely to have a little niece or nephew on the way, of course, but very difficult, too.

fan how are you feeling today - any better? I do hope so xx

babyh hope the hol has improved since its disastrous beginning!!

august how lovely to hear from you - am not surprised you're so busy - hope all the boys are doing really well, and that you are managing to get at least a little bit of sleep every now and then, too smile

angel your life is such a whirlwind! But how lovely that Phebs enjoyed her birthday so much. What does she want to buy with all that birthday money? wink

waves to wtw, bet you'll have such a lovely half term with your girls...

Hi to rainbox, how are you doing?

I do hope I've not missed anyone, though I'm sure I have. No real news to report from me, not much happening here... Love to all xx

miasmum sending you all the strength I have today, all the trees have turned here red and gold, she is every where. Much love to you.

God kleine that sounds like bad sickness! Was it hyperemesis? You must be really sad to think about having to do that again. Mine was grim but nothing like you describe. Even so I remember crying down the toilet whilst puking pg with Freya because I was so damn miserable about facing all that wretched nausea again. It felt so unfair, like I had already been through this bit!!

Good luck with the counselling Elly, I hope you get someone good and that it's helpful.

You sound run down angel. I think it's a combination of things, long term sleep deprivation and also all the horrible bugs that small children expose you to, from nursery/playgroups etc. I have had soooo many more illnesses this year than normal. I guess all we can do is try and eat well and be scrupulous about hand washing and pray for sleep! Cullen skink btw (look away little, this would have made me vom if pg!) is a kind of smoked haddock & potato soup/stew. Absolutely delicious. Not sure how authentic it is, but I got the recipe off of here. Is:
Melt some butter in a lidded pan. Put in some onion and leek in and sweat for about ten minutes. Add about half a litre of whole milk and some diced potatoes. Cook with the lid on until potatoes are soft.
Take off the heat and add chopped smoked haddock and let it cook with the lid on for five minutes.
Serve with parsley on top and grated cheddar.
I added some garlic and sweetcorn.
It goes down Freya a storm and is a rare opportunity to get some fish into her!

Hope you and the boys are well august

miasmummy ouch the death cert must be horrible. Thinking of you and yours today. How worrying about your friend's DC, really glad they are ok, but how upsetting for you. I hope the yoga is good for you. I hate those introduction circle things now though, I get really worked up about them now.

Freya is miserable today and hard work. I am looking forward to DH coming home! We are having a massive fight with her over her carseat at the moment. She throws a proper tantrum and arches herself back screaming blue murder and WILL NOT go in. Really stressful going anywhere.

AngelGeorgie Tue 23-Oct-12 15:30:13

Oh I see ta. Spilt does sound nice grin I , too , think its a combination of everything. Just so hard when I ve got stuff to do & can t be off work ( we rd really cracking down on sick time so need to be careful) just want to feel healthy & fit again. Felt better today just been shopping & for lunch with Phebs. She's asleep on me now grin
She's totally shattered , catching up from the weekend , I think ... Xxxx
Kleine spend her money on her lush mummy I think!!!!!confused don t know, she doesn't need anything so we ve banked it for now... Poor you, your hideous nausea & vomitting in pg I was lucky ??? & only suffered it occasionally . Xxx
Hope * Miasmum* & MrMia are surviving today? Xxxxx

blizy Tue 23-Oct-12 15:42:51

Kleine, I finding it a bit hard with my sister being pg, especially since she moans about everything!

angel, hope you are feeling better and the move is not too stressful.

Spilt- I have never had Cullen skink shock especially since its a Scottish dish!blush. Hope Freya is ok?

Green- how are you today?

Elly, only 2 more sleeps to get through. X

August, lovely to hear from you! I hope you and the boys are well? How old is little A now?

Fan, how are doing?

Waves to little, Mia's, too, Amy, blue, babyh, rainbox and anyone else I might have missed. Thinking of you all. X

blizy it's v easy so give it a go! grin

blizy Tue 23-Oct-12 16:27:32

Spilt, I meant I dont like the sound of it, I'm not a great fish lover, especially in soup! It
Makes me boke blush.

Ah fair enough, maybe best leave that one be then! grin

KleinePoppet Tue 23-Oct-12 20:06:41

Evening all. miasmummy, hope your day has been... well, I hope that you found a way of helping it to pass.

Yes indeed I did have hyperemesis. For 39 of my 42 weeks! (And then, bizarrely, it vanished and I was the happiest heavily-pregnant woman in the world.... now, I find it very hard to remember those last few, very content weeks of my pregnancy. They were part of another lifetime.)
Do you know, spilt, even at the time I didn't mind so much. Obviously it was hideous - the first twenty or so weeks in particular - but I was so thrilled to be pregnant, and I knew my baby would be worth it. And she VERY much was. And so now, I am just longing to be confined to bed, constantly puking and experiencing the joys of muscle atrophy! If I'm lucky enough to get pg and I am that sick again, of course it will be miserable - but it's the thing I want most in the world.

spilt that cullen skink sounds good might give it a try.

blizy I'm doing fine, just had one of those train hit moments earlier today when I saw an ambulance, starting thinking of things and it just hit me all the pain I went through. I miss her everyday but I don't often think of the pain of labour and the heartache afterwards. But seeing that ambulance started off this chain of images in my mind that just resulted in the total feeling of pain of loss, pain of labour joy of birth and then utter despair.

I'm not feeling totally happy at the moment, I have been secret eating, and put on half a stone. I really need to stop, I know that losing weight will help my chances but I'm in a bit of a rut. I need to snap out of it and get going again, I feel so much happier when I was losing weight and I need to feel that again.

Sorry for the self indulgent post. Sometimes its just easier to write stuff down than speak it aloud.

KleinePoppet Tue 23-Oct-12 20:25:44

oh fan poor you. I'm so sorry. Though, unsurprised that you are having a tough time. You are keeping on going through such awful circumstances - yes, you carry on with life, you laugh and chat with friends, and you are even sometimes 'ok' - but on here, we all understand the weight you always carry with you. The memories, that hit when you don't expect it. And over and above it all, the longing, the wishing... I wish so very much that you had your beautiful golden-haired Fi with you.
Hugs for you, my lovely. I'm sorry you're struggling with eating. What has worked for you in the past - what would help you to alter your eating patterns again? It's so hard isn't it. I have been so tempted to comfort eat, these last couple of weeks, when it's all felt so hard and so dark. Tbh the only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want to go out to the shops.
Please don't put any blame on yourself. Can you try to look at it in a more positive way? Anything good that you manage to do or eat is GREAT! And if you slip up, never mind, just start again afterwards, and it doesn't matter. Lots and lots of love xx

poppet thanks, I've always comfort ate. Its generally when I'm on my own, when DH goes out. When I'm alone at work, I know that's when it happens, and I know how to stop it but just havnt done it yet. I'm going to make a real effort tomorrow, if I suceed then I will feel better in the evening. I've done it before so I can do it again. I think losing bungle in april really pushed me back more than I thought.
I'm excited about this weekend though -m going to the NFL game at wembley with DH and some friends, and also its halloween and guy fawkes. I'm planning the pumpkin carving, so I'm hoping this will help me feel happier.

KleinePoppet Tue 23-Oct-12 20:46:07

Oh good, I'm really pleased you have an exciting weekend ahead!
More hugs coming your way. Of course, losing Bungle must have been so terribly hard... (without wanting to presume too much - would your due date have been around now? Do you think that's a reason why you would be feeling so bad at the moment?)
Will be thinking of you over the next couple of days, and wishing you lots of luck and strength to eat the way you want to.

poppet I think you might have hit it on the head, he (coz I think bungle was a boy) would have been due january but they would have induced me december.
Oh well it will happen soon, ?

KleinePoppet Tue 23-Oct-12 21:04:43

I'm so sorry you don't have any of your babies with you sad It must be very difficult, imagining how it would be if you were still pg with Bungle now.
But, keep going - it WILL all be worth it when you have your little one in your arms. There is hope! Good things await us xx

poppet you will get there too. We will all have our rainbows one day, it just take longer for some.
How are you doing? When do you get to speak to the doctors about IVF?

Thank you all for your beautiful, kind thoughts. Sorry I am not posting or commenting on anyone else at the moment. Just immersed. Today was ok, but now we are in the countdown to when our world fell apart. It feels like yesterday. Darling, beautiful Mia. I love you so much.

Thinking of you so much miasmum

greengoose Tue 23-Oct-12 22:57:03

MIA'S MUMMY, as a lovely friend once said to me, our hands are by your arm, to steady you if you stumble. I have no brave or knowing words, just know that many people are thinking of Mia and you this week, and the world has lit up the trees with her colours. Xxx

RainboxFX Wed 24-Oct-12 01:05:06

Miasmummy sending you all the love in the world. I have been taking photos of the autumn, inspired by your wonderful Mia. She is so beautiful. I parked under a tree today, and when I came back it had shed orange and yellow leaves all over my car. A beautiful blanket from a special girl.

I know I have been quiet lately, nothing dramatic, just getting ready to start work full time again next week and feeling really bogged down in ttc. Six months. I can hardly believe everything we went through. I know exactly what you mean fan, sometimes I wonder how we are all still standing. We are clearly all very strong and capable women. I just wish I felt that way sometimes. It is really easy to fall into the "Bereaved Mother" pigeonhole. I feel guilty for not wanting to be this way, like I am betraying him somehow. I miss him so much.

I am thinking about us all. We all deserve good luck and happy times, and we will get there. I know it.

On a lighter note, Cullen Skink is the best. I wasn't allowed any for months (due to stupid low fat gallbladder diet) and now I really want some! I wonder if one in the morning is too late to make stinky fish soup? ponders

Everyone - you are amazing. I hope you know that. The last few posts in particular, by rainbox, fan, green and Kleine made me think of something I once wrote on the bereaved mothers' thread, as it applies equally here:-

You are all Amazons of the heart. You love fiercely. Your courage to continue each day is not a choice, it is simply part of you. You are loyal and strong, and lift your shields to protect those of us when we are weak. You do all this in the name of your children, proudly shouting their names across the world, defying the odds which seek to overwhelm you. Love is your weapon. I salute you all. Xx

So much love for a little flame haired princess, none of us had the pleasure of meeting you but all feel we know you through your mummy's beautiful words. Sending you love, light and a virtual hand to grip miasmummy to help you through today xxx

Love to all, sorry not to name check but just wanted to say fan if you want an understanding ear you know where I am lovely. Be good to see you. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time xxx

AngelGeorgie Wed 24-Oct-12 06:44:41

Fan xxxxx I, too, comfort eat. Straight after Georgie I was very thin but then I soon put my weight + extra on!!!! U did well on SW? Why don t you re-join? It's a viscious circle ; we feel crap then eat then feel crapper about our weight!!!! Due dates impending are very hard ( what isn't???) if I hadn t had my first MMC way back in Oct 08 I'd have a child who'd be 3.5 years old now!!!! Can t relate to that!!!! Take care ,hope you find something to keep u going xxxxxxxx
Miasmum xxxxx your picture on FB is absolutely stunning. Gorgeous Mia ; you must be so proud. You re all in my thoughts xxxxxxxx

blizy Wed 24-Oct-12 07:02:58

Mias, I am thinking of you all today. I have a little cherry blossom tree in my garden which we planted for Zoe. I had a look at it yesterday and there are only 2 leaves left on it. They are the brightest red, it made me think of your little red haired beauty. X

KleinePoppet Wed 24-Oct-12 07:53:45

miasmummy I hope you were including yourself in that lovely paragraph you wrote. You very, very much belong in any group of strong, fiercely loving, protective mummies. Sending you and mrmia so much love today, and, as ever, thinking of Mia too xx I expect you've been up through the night, I hope you can sleep at some stage.

fan our referral is on its way, we will choose when to have our first appt - definitely before Christmas - starting thos process again requires a real effort, so we have to gather our strength first, I think!
Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts for today.

blizy I meant to add yesterday, can't quite imagine how tough it must be with your sister complaining about her pregnancy. Of course you wouldn't want her to have to understand what it's like for you - but I'm sorry if she's being a bit (or a lot!) insensitive. Really hard stuff.

green how are you...?

rainbox you've said it all so eloquently yourself. So, really, all I can do is send you love and hugs. Please know I'm thinking of you, and of precious, tiny, brave little Dex. He tried so hard to stay with you, I'm so sorry that he couldn't.

elly one little day to go! How are you doing? Also - how's your uncle?

Huuuuge waves to all. I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Babyh200 Wed 24-Oct-12 12:05:57

Morning all,

Still away. Shitty week everyone sick with this nasty bug. Its been J's turn to chuck up all night.....in her words Ive never been sick like that as a big girl have I mummy.....poor thing! At one time I would have been pissed off but all i could think was that nothing could be worse than losing our beautiful boy and all of our angels. Its funny how our perspective on life has totally changed and everything now seems trivial in comparison to the bigger picture. The kids are tough cookies and having a good time anyway apart from the quarentine days when they've moaned about staying in!

MIAS mummy I cried when I saw your little photo last night and those words 'who could have known'.....stay strong I salute you and send lots of virtual hugs xxxxxx

Fanjo: Big hugs. Hope you feeling a bit better today xxxxx

Kliene: Poor you all I can visualise is your 9 months of puking, yet complete bravery and positiveness for the end result. I hope your head is back down the loo very soon.

Angel: Your sound exhausted but glad you enjoyed Blackpool if I wasnt down south I would have met you at the tower : ) Lots of love xxx

Rainbox: Love Dexters stone just prefect.

Elly:Thinking of your scan everything crossed here xxxxx

Green: Love to you.....just so sorry and thinking of you xxxxxxx

Waves to TOO, SPLIT, BLUE, LITTLE (In your lovely new bed) Whatever and blizy......god I hope I havent missed anyone xxx

Missing posting this week. I always shed a few tears as soon as I wake up each day and remember............and then I think of your ladies and what a complete lifeline you have become over the last few months xxxxxxx

Thinking of Mia today as I went for a walk and kicked through some leaves. Bet she'd have liked that. miasmummy please don't apologise for not namechecking etc, there are times when our own grief is so all consuming there just isn't the strength to face other people's at all. Wallow all you need to, and know that we are all there in spirit to hold you up. Love to you today xx

fan a rough time for you xxx It's hard when unexpected things hit you, and hard when an unexpected low patch washes over you. All you can do is keep plodding, one bit at a time, and an easier patch will come in time. It's rubbish. Do you think you might try SW again? Would that give you more of a sense of control over life if you could tackle the eating again. Comfort eating is a very hard habit to break, I've done it at various times too. Sometimes I found that when tempted to crack open the cake tin/biscuit jar if I forced myself to go out for a walk instead the urge to eat would pass and the fresh air helped perk me up a bit.

kleine a big hand squeeze to you as you take that deep breath and get ready to start the IVF xx

babyh so sorry about all the sickness, I hope you are all back to rights very very soon. And then you can get through the laundry!!

rainbox Dexter's stone is gorgeous, I love the little birds in the leaves. So pretty.

Nowt to report here, just plodding along as usual xx

I don't know if any of you ladies have followed cupoftea and Beatrice's story but I'm so so sad to say that Bea lost her fight today aged 13 months sad

wtw that is so sad. Poor cupoftea and poor little beatrice.

Oh no sad I remember the thread when she was born and they thought they would lose her straightaway to Edwards I think, and then the diagnosis was wrong. How awful. Bea was such a gorgeous newborn I remember her amazing eyes. I didn't know she was ill. I am so sorry.

Well, as well as all your wonderful thoughts, we have been inundated by messages from friends and family today, and we are cocooned by love for Mia, and for us. We also planted the snowdrops and bluebells at Mia's Wood, where her tree glowed vibrantly red against the muted sombre grey of a dull autumn day.

But I am so sad about little Beatrice ; only 13 months, just like Mia. It isn't right. sad

AngelGeorgie Wed 24-Oct-12 19:37:48

babyH do u live in/ near Blackpool then? Hope u find some peace on holiday xxxx
.Kleine hope u re ok?
Miasmum xxxxxx
Love to all, busy day at work hmm xxxx

AngelGeorgie Wed 24-Oct-12 19:38:27

Good luck Elly. xxxx

Little9 Wed 24-Oct-12 20:52:44

Hello and waves to all. New bed is amazing although miss the extra foot - oh well I'm sure I'll get used to it soon (not sure Sammy will though!!)

Mias - my doggies and I are always thinking of you all when we are on our walkies in the park (although as Sammy is also red I keep losing him in the leaves!) .

Fan - honey, don't beat yourself up so much. If you have lost weight before then you shall again. I know you can do it when you are ready. I too still get thumped by the memory of losing Daisy. It creeps up on me at the weirdest and unexpected of times. A week on Friday is her due date as well so keep getting chocked up about that (don't think hormones are helping). Big hugs.

Green - hope you are ok.

babyh - hope you are all fit and healthy again soon.

Spilt - thanks for warning me. Cullens skink is not for me!!

Elly - good luck for tomorrow.

Kleine - really hope IVF works for you and you get a BFP asap.

Waves and apologises to any I haven't mentioned. Am knackered and luckily the sickness is only minimal and manageable with eating (although need to be careful as put a stone on whilst pregnant with Daisy and have only lost half of it!). Good night ladies. Off to bed now, mmmmm! (have it all to myself (with pets of course) as DH is at the pub grin and yes, I know it's early but.....zzzzzz)

Oh Mias cocooned is a perfect word. That's how we felt on Erin's anniversary too. It's a good feeling amidst the pain. I hope it's not inappropriate to say one of my first thoughts when hearing the awful news about Bea was the parallels with Mia - both 13 months old, on the same day a year apart and both with amazing mothers who have shared them through their words and love for them xxx

Good luck elly xx

KleinePoppet Thu 25-Oct-12 10:58:38

I didn't know about little Bea but how very, very, very sad sad sad

Lots of waves to all today, I think I'll just say that I'm thinking of elly and will come back later to check if you've updated...

greengoose Thu 25-Oct-12 11:16:54

Elly, just to say thinking of you today. Everything's crossed.

I'm not up to posting much right now, feeling a bit hopeless, which I need to get on top of. MC is still going strong, and I'm worn out. DP is in London until late Fri, sometimes I hate his job. It's getting hard to hide from the kids that anything (more than tummy ache) is wrong. They worry now when i am ill. They will have had a rubbish half term. I need to think carefully about whether the positives of trying out way the negatives for my family. I feel very selfish keeping going, but I'm not sure I have the willpower to say we need to stop. Very confused right now.
My little one said to me out of the blue "did you not feed Merryn Mummy"? It just about dissolved me. I think he thinks we should have saved her.

Babyh200 Thu 25-Oct-12 11:18:37

Good luck Elly. Thinking of you xxxxxxxx

KleinePoppet Thu 25-Oct-12 11:25:34

green what can I say? I'm so, so sorry for all of this. It's impossible. I wish I lived down the road... if there is somehow anything I can do... I know you would let me know, but just to say it again.
Hand-holding, hugs, love, and many other things that aren't technically allowed on MN are coming your way from me xxx

Babyh200 Thu 25-Oct-12 11:42:58

Oh Green love.......life is so unkind to you right now. I can't say whether you should keep going ........all I will say based on my own experience is that we saw what we could have had........Merryn was amazing such a beautiful little girl and u saw what could have been........if only. Please don't think I'm trivializing your little bean because this is truly horrific and the pain goes on with no end in sight.......Its all part of the same grieving process and my aunty once said from the moment we are pregnant we love that baby and can't help but hold all our hopes and dreams for the future. As someone with 2 other children I know how difficult it must be right now. My DH keeps reminding me that I need to pick myself up for them because its not all about 'A'. I hope these dark days soon pass for you I wish more than anything that your future rainbow was still here. Maybe one day if your brave enough to continue it will happen.........sending you lots of love and hugs your such a brave brave lady xxxxxxxxxx PS hope Im not waffling too much Im hopeless with words sometimes x

Ellypoo Thu 25-Oct-12 12:00:47

Vvv quick post - not read up to date at all so sorry I'm not replying to you all, but ...

Scan went well, thank goodness!!! Put me at 12+2 which is 5 days more than I'd thought, new edd 7th May.

Sooooo relieved.

Love to all, will catch up with you later cxx

elly that is wonderful news! Congratulations grin Do you have a plan of care in place yet for your pregnancy? Any idea when your next scan will be? Enjoy the relief and the excitement, long may it last!

green I don't know what to say. I am so sorry it's taking so long and draining you so much. It's so very unfortunate that this has happened at half term too, just when you need to do so much more childcare sad Do you have a friend/family member who you could ask to have the boys for an afternoon or take them out somewhere? Even if you have to lie to said friend/relative and say you're under the weather/migraine etc and could really do with a favour that you'll repay next school holiday or whenever when they need a child break. I don't know if you told anyone in RL about the pregnancy? You really sound like you need a big rest to help you cope physically. Nightmare that DP is away. Are you managing to eat and drink properly? I wish I could pop round and bring you a big beef stew or something. Look after yourself and please don't be shy to ask for help xx

KleinePoppet Thu 25-Oct-12 16:34:53

elly hurrah!! smile smile so so pleased for you. So would you be looking at a late-April arrival, then? I do realise that is very far into the future. But I hope you're allowing yourself to feel the relief and the joy, just as spilt says!

greengoose Thu 25-Oct-12 17:10:49

Elly, I'm chuffed to bits for you love! You must be so relieved! And five days further on, which is lovely! Well done today, it must have been difficult but you made it through. Xxx

Ellypoo Thu 25-Oct-12 18:17:36

Thanks lovelies - it feels good to have it all out in the open now and be able to talk about it in RL, makes it feel more real. Am going to push for c-section at 37/38 weeks, which will be 17th or 24th April (they only do them on Wednesday's at my hopsital). My favourite time of year - new starts etc. They had put me under a different consultant at the hospital, but I have requested to be under my same consultant as last time, as she knows my history and has been brilliant with all my other friends who have lost and subsequently had rainbows. I don't think that I get an appointment with her until after my 20wk scan, and I guess that then we will be able to talk about my care plan and what they will do for me. MW appointment in 5 weeks, so should then hear the heartbeat so that's my next milestone!

Green, I'm so sorry that you are still suffering physically as well, you really shouldn't have to cope with all of this as well. Is there anyone who can help you out, as spilt said, just to give you a bit of time to yourself?

Fan, I hope that you aren't feeling so down today. Comfort eating is such a difficult thing to take control of, I really sympathise.

mias, I don't know what to say, just want to send my love & hugs xxx

Hi to everyone, sorry I have missed so many of you out - am thinking of you all xxx

Oh Elly what lovely news I'm so pleased for you smile I'm so relieved for you. An April spring baby - perfect. I didn't see my consultant until after 20 week scan xx

Green I so wish I lived closer to you so I could help you out sad It really is the cruellest thing to happen. Like split says you do sound like you need a big rest. Could you get even a weekend away without the boys and just sleep, sleep, sleep? xxx

Waves and love to all xxxx

I'm having a shitty time with dp at the moment. No idea what's going on with him but he's being a horrible miserable bugger and I'm at the end of my tether. He seems to not be able to cope at all with two children in the house. Am doing everything myself which I don't mind at all but I do mind him huffing and stressing every time H cries or K plays up. I'm sorry to moan on here, I know it's nothing compared to what some of you are going through. I just wish he wasn't here at the moment sad

AngelGeorgie Thu 25-Oct-12 19:28:31

Elly fabulous news xxxxx congrats xxx
Wtw sorry xxxx hope stuff improves with your do soon xxxx
green xxxxx sorry you re having a crap time xxx

greengoose Fri 26-Oct-12 09:56:28

Thanks for all the lovely wishes to help, cook tea etc! I have lots of lovely friends here, but I had only told two that I was pregnant this time. They are both away for half term, so don't want to tell anyone else. I don't want to fib either, as we already have to do that to get someone to have kids when I have scan appt next week to confirm its all gone. I think I feel guilty for keeping causing so much drama, and if we are keeping trying I want to just get through these times quietly now, I've been pregnant, grieving, MCing or waiting to try again after MC for a very long time now, even I find me a bit boring!! I'm hoping I'm through the worst of it, although POAS is still showing a very clear +, which isn't a good sign. So maybe more to come. Anyway, DH back from London late tonight, so I guess I'll make popcorn later and settle into the couch with the boys!

WTW, can I give your DH a virtual kick up the bottom? I'm sorry he's being a pain! Have you told him how you feel? Maybe he's being a 'man' and hasn't noticed what he's (not) doing?

SPILT, I almost cried at your beef stew last night! (All I managed was pasta and cheese for the boys, and I couldn't stomach it!) Thank you lovely lady!!

BABYH, thanks for your kind words. You weren't trivialising it, I understood what you meant. There was no 'bean' there, just an empty sac, so I'm not grieving anything but lost hope really. And lost time. I know everyone sees MC differently, but personally I'd go mad if I remembered due dates etc for every MC. Merryn was my daughter, that's who I grieve and remember and think about. This is my body doing what it should with a pregnancy that never had a chance. Hopefully my body will also know what to do if I get a sticky one!

I hope everyone has something to look forward to this WE. Wish I was going to see Skyfall, is anyone going tonight? Daniel Craig's yummy... (older Mum here). Love to all.

KleinePoppet Fri 26-Oct-12 10:20:15

Morning all. elly good to hear that you've requested to be under the care of a consultant who you already know and trust. That will help a lot. Are you doing anything 'differently' already, eg aspirin, or does the need for that only kick in later on? <'alarmingly ignorant of things I should know' emoticon...>

wtw hmmm your DP sounds like he needs a good slapping. Feel very free to whinge. It's all part of it, isn't it? I don't wish to excuse his behaviour (far from it), but do you think it has ANYthing to do with having lost Erin, and the pressures and the stresses of your pregnancy with Holly? Or is he just Being A Man? Hard to say, presumably. Poor you <hugs> xx

green I do understand why you don't want to broadcast the news round your friends, or lie about it. So, so hard for you to be doing this by yourself, though, esp as I know you are so concerned about your boys, and how they are feeling. Oh but I do SO hope that the MC will very soon be over. You've had such an incredibly rough ride. Also hope DH will spoil you and take extra-careful good care of you once he's back xx

Nothing much else going on here. Had a friend round last night which was nice; haven't seen too much of most people for the last few weeks, it just feels a bit too difficult to make the effort. I prefer snuggling up with DH and ignoring the rest of the world. But I am well aware that I can't!
On a random aside, I have just started feeling phantom kicks this week, which feel like twenty-week kicks sad (E was such an active baby, and I lost so much weight, that by twenty weeks I was routinely feeling some pretty massive whacks in the tummy!) Can't believe it, four and a half months after she was born... I think it must be related to slowly getting some feeling back around my CS scar.

KleinePoppet Fri 26-Oct-12 10:22:28

PS green sorry but I'm not with you on the Daniel Craig thing, although I know DH wishes I was, however odd that may sound, as it would mean I was more inclined to go and see the Bond films with him! grin

amyboo Fri 26-Oct-12 12:18:13

Oh green so sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Sending you lots of hugs.
mias hope the anniversary date passed OK. You sound like such a strong lady I'm sure your little girl would be so proud of you.
Sorry to hear your DP's being a pain wtw. hope he gets over his stress/huffing soon. It must be tough having to deal with that on top of 2 DC's!
Fantastic news on the scan elly! You must be so relieved. Hope you can relax a bit now (ha! I know that's not so easy....)
Sorry to hear you're feeling down too fan. I'm with you on the comfort eating. I'm a terror for sweets - munched a whole 250g bag of wine gums at work on Wednesday. I can't seem to resist when I'm feeling stressed.

I had an appointment with my gynaecologist today and got my blood test results back. Despite not seeing the nasal bone, and getting an NT measurement of 3.2mm, my risk has come back at 1/2850. The gynaecologist still couldn't see the nasal bone today unfortunately, as the baby is facing my spine, but he measured the NT and it seems to be down to around 2mm. I'm 14+4, so I know this measurement doesn't really mean anything though.

The gynaecologist thinks we should still do the amnio, especially as I'm nearly 33 and the blood tests are not 100% reliable. The amnio risk here in Belgium is lower than in the UK - around 1/250-1/300 - and he seems to feel that the pros outweigh the cons. DH and I had got ourselves into the mindset of having the amnio, so think that we'll maybe still go for it. I'm a bit worried that something might go wrong, but also can't get away from the worry that in 3 pregnancies this is the first time I've ever had an NT measurement of over about 1.5mm... I guess I'm just worrying that the measurement still might mean there's something wrong. Am beginning to think that this pregnancy is going to be one big stress from start to finish!

Babyh200 Fri 26-Oct-12 12:39:28

Elly: Wonderful news for a lovely spring baby xxxxxx

WTW: There's only 20 months between my two so I understand it can be tiring for you both. Plus most men don't multitask as well as us women. Me and my DH used to count each others sleep an have some right old arguements so don't worry about having a moan its hard going with a new born. I hope he straightens his face quick smart. Hugs to you xxxxx

Green: Glad your DH back later you need the support right now. Popcorn and a movie sounds great but I have to agree with Kliene ....lm not a bond fan I'm afraid xxx

Angel: How are you? I'm not from Blackpool but not far away in Liverpool. Have lots of fond memories....took J when she was little about 18 months old actually and she loved the lights.

Waves to Split plodding on smile xxx

Can't read any further back cos I'm hopless on my fone. Just on our way home from Butlins and its pouring with rain.

Love to all xxxx

Babyh200 Fri 26-Oct-12 12:54:26

Cross post Amy. Isn't 1/2850 a very low risk? Forgive my ignorance on this? Also feeling old when you mentioned your only 32 lol
Have you fully looked into the risks of the amnio chick? I hope they have explained everything to you before you go ahead.
So very sorry your having all this stress in your pregnancy.
I hope things get better for you xxxxxxxx

Ah that lovely squeaky clean teeth feeling, just been to the dentists and been polished grin

wtw I hope things at home improve soon x

green I am scared of JAmes Bond! blush Get DH to do dinner & childcare this eve and have a rest my lovely xx

kleine funny you should say that, I still get phantom kicks from time to time, it's very weird. I occasionally freak out at the possibility of suddenly being 20 odd weeks pg and not having realised and then come to my senses and remember that there is no way I could have failed to notice the puking/first trimester so clearly it is just my little phantom doing a jig again. Bloody odd though. Why does it happen anyone know?

amy gosh 14 weeks! 1/2850 sounds low risk to me, is it? Good luck with your decision, lots to weigh up. Do you have a gut feeling on it?

Ellypoo Fri 26-Oct-12 15:32:25

I LOVE James Bond (and Daniel Craig) and can't wait to see the new film - am on standby for tonight - my BFF has booked tickets to go, but her due date was yesterday so if she goes into labour, we will be able to go instead!!!! Unlikely I think at this time of day.

No idea about downs risks - had NT measured at scan, and it was 2.3mm, no idea what that means though. We had a CVS with Nancy because of a genetic condition (we've decided not to this time as it wouldn't make any difference) so we knew that she didn't have it.

kleine - am taking baby aspirin daily since getting the BFP because of the blood clots in the placenta last time. This is the only thing extra, although I am now so fat (put on 4 stone when pg last time/shortly after and have only lost 1 stone of it so far!) that I have to have the GTT at 28 weeks.

I still feel numbness around my c-section scar, and when I stroke it it feels really weird, but apart from phantom kicks in the first few weeks after having Nancy, I don't think I've felt any others.

WTW, sorry your DH with being a PITA - it happens to most of them from time to time, but that's not particularly helpful, sorry! I hope that he sorts himself out soon & becomes more aware that he's being a pain and not very helpful.

Green, popcorn & film sounds like a great idea tonight. Could DH take the boys out for a few hours tomorrow to give you a rest at all? Sending love & hugs xxx

I'm so glad it's Friday - this has been a really long & emotional week, and I think I'm coming down with this horrid cold that seems to have been going around. Just had some chocolate to try to make me feel better, but it hasn't worked smile.

greengoose Fri 26-Oct-12 19:22:51

My DP is home! He caught an earlier train and brought me lovely flowers too. I've been sent to bed with a cup of tea, while he plays UNO with the boys. Thank god. I'm not sure I could have lasted through settling!
On a practical note, does anyone know how long it should take to get a - on a pee stick after a MC? I am worried I still have lots to get through because it's still a fairly strong +?

ELLY, I'm not surprised youre tired after the roller coaster of a week you've had! Can you have an early night?
I'm glad someone else likes Daniel Craig, it just seems obvious!! We will probably wait until the DC are back at school and sneak off one afternoon.... Sad, but convenient without having to use babysitting favours!

KLEINE, I've never had phantom kicks, I remember in the early days I hoped I would.... Now that feels like a slightly crazy thought. Merryn only ever kicked me on the left side as she couldn't turn because of her tumour, and it used to get really sore. Worse for her though, obviously.
How are you after today?

Got to go, I like to listen in on Harry Potter!

AugustMoon Fri 26-Oct-12 19:59:08

Wtw, that's my DH too! Don't get the inability to deal with a baby - every time he picks him up he cries and then dh hovers round me waiting for me to take him back, jiggling him round aimlessly. Think I'll have to wait a few months before they 'bond' and just get on with it - which actually is fine by me, I can't get enough of the little guy smile

AugustMoon Fri 26-Oct-12 20:00:29

Greenie, glad your DH is doing his bit and being kind.

Hello ladies

Ive been a bit quiet sorry. Im back in full spirits now.

wtw Im sorry you have having annoying problems with DP, I think men have a problem with the baby stage, especially when we are primary carers. Do you share care of Holly or do you mainly feed and change her? Maybe a day of caring for the kids by himself will stop him Whinging! Hopefully it will start to settle soon.

green I didnt use pee sticks after my miscarraiges, the bleeding was just a very long period so I just waited till it finished and then waited untill my next period. Its a long waiting game I gues, that just sucks!

Sorry cant name check everyone, but I will just say agree on the Daniel Craig love! Cant wait to see the new James Bond myself.

Im off to wembley on sunday to see the St Louis Rams vs the New England Patriots, we are going with some friends, Im really looking forward to it.

Just met a lady from my NCT classes, havnt seen her since before Ophelia was born. She was lovely, she asked all about Ophelia, told me about her own problems with her baby, shes had really bad PND. It was good to talk.

Babyh200 Fri 26-Oct-12 22:31:35

Evening all.
Back home and on a bit of a downer TBH. I mentioned a while back that my SIL was pregnant and I am really pleased for her. I was a bit sad inside when she announced it because my baby is dead but obviously didn't show it in any way. In fact I even gave her some maternity clothes of mine still with the tags on because she mentioned her clothes were getting tight. Anyway I discovered accidently today that my DH new all about her news and never told me. So the day she came round was a total farce for my benefit because everyone new except me even my own DH. Can't believe he would do that to me after 15 yrs and 3 children. I feel totally gutted I understand his sister in a little way worrying how I may react but not my own husband. Feeling totally betrayed tonight. Sorry for moaning x

Babyh200 Fri 26-Oct-12 22:37:30

Ah Fan totally self absorbed for a second there have a lovely time at Wembley on Sunday x
Green: glad your DH home x
Love to everyone else x

dont be sorry for moaning babyh Im sure your DH had your best interests at heart, but he could have handled it better, like telling you in advance of her coming over. I think I would feel betrayed aswell. Have you spoken to DH about how this has made you feel?

Babyh200 Fri 26-Oct-12 23:15:16

Thanks Fan he knows I'm totally pissed off about it. He said he doesn't know why he didn't tell me? I think he should have told me in advance too!!!
Men eh!
Nite all hope the weekend is kind to you all xxxxxxxx

AngelGeorgie Fri 26-Oct-12 23:39:07

Because men are weak babyH & often take the path of least resistance!!!!cxx
Yes, we had a fab time in Blackpool ; chav spotting!!!! Lights good & Phebs enjoyed herself, ta xxxx
Green xxxx
Hope everyone is ok? Can t namecheck as forgot what everyone's up to!!! TGIF!!!! Long , busy week... Now , on the coldest day of the year, the heatings bust!!!!!
Love to all xxxxx

Oh no angel! Is it working now or properly busted?

baby sad that's a nasty situation, not surprised you are hurt.

Well we have had fun today rescuing an escapee dog. She was running around in the main road causing all sorts of chaos so we got her onto the pavement, checked collar, no tag, and thought what the heck do we do with her now?? Tried the local police station but it was closed so ended up walking her 2miles to the vets! Fortunately they found a microchip so should be looking after her until the owners pick her up. Lovely dog. I think Freya was hoping it was her new pet...

Freya is now our apple monster. If she catches sight of one anywhere she will shout and gesture insistently until you give it to her, preferably half peeled. She will then pretty much eat the entire thing if you give her long enough... 3 apples yesterday shock Still, keeps her happy and means I can cook tea.

Having been all "no more children, can't ever do that again" since Freya was born, I have suddenly in the last week hit a broody patch hmm It's a bit unnerving tbh, I thought I knew my own mind on this one. But now I am eyeing the new pack of condoms in DH's drawer sadly and wondering if we should have got a smaller box <slaps self> Fortunately (I think!) the fact that my periods are still MIA, should save us from any rash decisions.
I think really what it is is that I want a chance to "put right" my experience of pregnancy. And I'm not sure that's a good enough reason tbh. Obv the pg with Bobbie ended tragically and far too soon, and then with Freya it was so much terror and stress and raw grief as it was so soon (BFP 2 months after losing Bobbie). I spent all of Freya's pregnancy really heavily and actively grieving her sister so tbh the memories of it are incredibly painful.
But I am nostalgically thinking of the heady excitement of seeing that 2nd line appear on the stick, the early days where you have a "secret" baby as no one knows, that amazingly special feeling of knowing there;s a baby in there and how protective it makes you, seeing them on a scan (once past the utterly terrifying bit at the start where you see if there's a hb) and going soppy over the pictures, baby kicks.... and part of me wants to do it all again.
Though it needs balancing against the possible heartbreak of ttc, the chance of not going to term, the horribleness of sickness, the chance of grim things like forceps, nasty tears, haemorrage, poorly baby etc etc and are we brave enough to try? Because ultimately it's a gamble isn't it going for babies. All you can do is throw the dice and hope for the best, but there's a lot of horrible/stressful/painful things that can happen. Thankfully I am unlikely to be able to do anything at all about my broodiness for now so have plenty of time to see if the feeling lasts.

Cat is going in for a tooth op on Tuesday. My credit card is wincing already.

AngelGeorgie Sat 27-Oct-12 22:38:28

Spilt seems ok at the moment but booked a service for the heating next week. Boiler is about 12 years old so won r be surprised when its gone hopefully will be in a few years , after we ve moved!!!!
Like you I m having the same thoughts. More so as in Dec I m 42 so not got the luxury of time. Talking at work yesterday about ttc again. I weigh up all the odds , like you, but also can t afford 2 lots of nursery fees , want to move closer to my parents ( about 100 miles away) but if pg again would like my consultant, medical team & midwives who ve been here for Georgie & Phebs to look after me...also loving not thinking about pg , loosing weight & enjoying some normality in life after 4 years of being an emotional rollercoaster. Being pg , for us, is so very hard mentally that it would absorb me mentally & emotionally & that would take me away from enjoying my Phebs... I m of the opinion that sometimes I should be grateful for what I ve got instead of wasting time chasing something that may be un obtainable....
Don g know , there s such a lot to consider... OTH don t want to get 3 years down the road & regret not ttc if I wanted to!!! Having said that I m back on the pill & we re not exactly having regular sex so not an option at the moment....wink
Said we ll have the " talk" at the end of the year & make a decision then....
Love to all xxxxx

missamel Sun 28-Oct-12 03:35:49

Hi ladies, I hope it's ok if I just join...its just 13 days since we lost our beautiful little son Blake at 34 weeks. We don't know what went wrong yet. One of the first things I said to my DH was we have to try again. Since then it's really sunk in how terrifying that will be! I have two beautiful teen girls, I am so grateful for, but I want a little one in my life so much! Has anyone heard of additional at home monitors for high risk pregnancies? Or had experience with that. Thank you all

missamel welcome to the thread, and so sorry that you find yourself here. So sorry to hear about your little boy Blake. That is a lovely name for your little man.
My daughter Ophelia was stillborn in April 2011, at 36 weeks. She died of a knot in her cord. I hope this thread can offer you the support you need.
I too knew straight away that I wanted to try again, it is scary but well the ladies here are such a support.
Some of us are still trying some of us are pregnant and some of us already have a rainbow baby.
Additional at home monitors, Im not sure about that, have never heard of it actually.

KleinePoppet Sun 28-Oct-12 15:36:36

missamel I'm so so sorry to hear about Blake. Do tell us more about him, if you want to. And he died so very recently... you are going through something that's very nearly unbearable right now (the only reason I say 'very nearly', is that all of us are somehow still going, so we are the collective proof that it can be done). We will all be here to help, if we can, by listening.
Our little girl, E, was born in June at 42 weeks. My labour was being induced when the umbilical cord ruptured, and despite a very very rapid emergency CS, she was without oxygen for too long. She was able to give us two wonderful, heartbreaking days before she died in my arms. She was our first child, and we are trying for her sibling now.
I'm sorry, I don't know anything about at-home monitors, either. Unless you mean like a doppler, ie something you can use yourself to hear the baby's heartbeat?
This thread is often quite quiet on the weekends, but I know other people will be along over the next couple of days to welcome you as well.

babyh these men of ours... I'm so sorry for you. It's just so much hard work, isn't it, when people let you down - even if they have the best of intentions. How are you and DH doing now?
On a more positive note <as KleinePoppet tries desperately to remember that she is an eternal optimist...>, even if your SIL (and then DH) got it all wrong, at least she was trying to be as sympathetic towards your feelings as she could be. That counts for something, I think. But yes, really difficult that your DH didn't just tell you.
How are you getting on with your CBFM, lovely?

green I was so glad to hear that your DH got home early to look after you and brought flowers too. (Perhaps redeeming all men in the process!) How are you doing? Do you think the worst of the MC has passed? How have your boys been, this weekend? Still thinking of you loads xx

amy I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed. I hope so much that you and your DH will be able to work out what's right for you to do next.

rainbox, blizy, where are you at in your cycles? I am thinking of both of you and fan too - glad you're feeling a little better, fan, and hope you're having a really great day today!

spilt and angel hope those broody moments/wonderings about ttc will eventually be resolved in whatever is the best way for you both. angel, also, is your heating back on? Nightmare... it's freezing cold here.

wtw how's lovely little Holly doing? Has anything improved with DP at all?
And mias, blue, moomins, gah who have I forgotten... anyone else with a big bump! How are you all doing?
elly, do you have a tiny bump yet? (And btw, I have SEEN recent photos of you on FB, lady, so don't go telling me you're hugely fat. Rubbish. I will not argue with your hospital if they say you need to do the GTT test, but I will come and HAVE WORDS with them if they say you are fat. Ok? smile). Also, little, hope all is well?

Feeling too lazy to scroll back further blush Please forgive me if I've missed anything vital!! I've got that Sunday feeling...
Am doing ok. A huge thank you to all who chipped in to help on FB over the last couple of days. You are all so lovely. It knocked me a bit, but feel like I'm standing again now. Due to ov, any day now... (just in time for DH to fly out of the country for work hmm - luckily just for the day, though!).

missamel Sun 28-Oct-12 16:29:05

Thank you, both of you for your welcome. It feels like a safe haven here. I live in Canada btw, so my time of day is different. Went to church this morning, to the cathedral where my Nannie and darling Blake are interred. I was a bit let down, the sermon seemed dry, although the minister has been a doll when we visit. I'm feeling guilty because maybe I haven't made a big enough deal over Blake. I haven't said anything on fb, a few of my friends don't know that we lost him. Closest friends and family joined us at the memorial. My pics of him are still on my phone, I have sent them to loved ones. I don't know what to do, I don't want to be distancing myself from him, but looking at his pic many times a day, it makes me so desolate.

KleinePoppet Sun 28-Oct-12 17:02:37

missamel I am just about to go offline but then your post popped up... You are right, this is a safe haven - anonymous enough, but a place where you can share everything, all your darkest or most scary thoughts and feelings.

I understand the guilt. Guilt is a huge part of losing a child. It's incredibly unfair, but there it is - everyone experiences it. You are in the very earliest of days after losing your darling Blake, and you are in a bleak, black place. I am slightly further down the line than you, although only slightly, but I can tell you what I have learned from the last four and a half months: at the moment, although there is no 'best option', and there is nothing that you actually want to do, the best thing to try to do is whatever hurts you the least. You will not be hurting, forgetting, or abandoning your son in ANY way. Ever. How could you? You are torn apart by his absence in your life, and you are just groping your way forward, a tiny bit at a time, and, at the moment, you simply have to survive without him. You also still need to be there for your two girls, don't you... So, if you prefer not to tell people about Blake, or not to look at his photos, because it means you get through the day - that's fine. Really. It only means that you are doing your best to honour your son, by getting safely to the end of another long day without him.

If it helps you to know this - we had only immediate family plus two friends at E's funeral, and I came off FB immediately so many of my 'friends' on there still have no idea what happened. (I've created a new profile, since then, to make friends with the lovely ladies on here.) Also, DH and I have only shared photos of her with those who we love and trust. DH, for example, recently removed her photo from the front of his phone - he didn't want random colleagues at work to see it and ask him about her in the middle of the day, and he didn't want to continually upset himself at work whenever he needed to phone someone. It doesn't mean he loves E any less. He is just trying to keep going.

Lots of love to you. Please try not to worry. Just do what you need to.
Also, in case you don't know - there is another thread here for bereaved mothers. I have never posted on it myself but I know it's there.

KleinePoppet Sun 28-Oct-12 17:08:08

Sorry, I have just realised that could have been interpreted as me saying, you should go to the other thread! Not what I meant at ALL. I just wanted to let you know about another source of support that's available, if you felt that you wanted to look at it. xx

missamel Sun 28-Oct-12 17:13:46

Thank you so much, I needed to see that....can u add me on fb? Melissa Frech

missamel Sun 28-Oct-12 17:20:39

Also, anyone else in this thread who would be willing to add me on fb, I would love that.
Spilt I am 41, I can relate...my ob was encouraging tho, she said you are young and healthy and menopause is years away! You can still have a baby. I was very grateful for those words

AngelGeorgie Sun 28-Oct-12 22:20:08

missamel hi & sorry for your loss of your son ,Blake... Xxxx I m 41 too ( just 42 in 5 weeks time!!!) my gorgeous first born daughter was stillborn at 41 weeks on 10/10/10 & we later found out , she had died from E. coli ( by a 1 in a million chance) . She'd would / should have been 2 2 weeks ago. My second precious daughter, our rainbow, was born 18/10/11 & turned 1 10 days ago. We ve all experienced the same as you and are at varying stages of grief/ survival . Like you one of the things I remember saying to my fab medical team in hospital was that I'd ve back when we had GBOS ( Georgie's brother or sister) I was determined Georgie would not be an only child ( if you get what I mean) I'd had 2 MC s before Georgie. We re a great support & lovely bunch , though I do say so myself!!! Take care, 1 day at a time... Xxxx hopefully you ve got good RL support I found that essential & credit my recovery , which is an ongoing process , largely due to them; family, DH, friends etc.... Xxxxx
Kleine heating ok now, ta. Though booked a service next week anyhow... grin nothing resolved re: ttc however , sex doesn t seem to be on our agenda at present so that solves that for now!!!!! Xxxxx
Hope u re ok? Xxxxx

missamel Sun 28-Oct-12 22:35:35

AngelGeorgie thank you for sharing that with me! I feel better that others can be moms of little ones after 40! My family is wonderful, my best friends are my sisters in law and cousin in law. My DH is amazing. My two big girls are awesome but I'm feeling like I can't do much for them right now. Scared to be an empty nester as I had them very young and Blake was my first pregnancy with my DH.

I would love to hear what interventions and monitering have been reccomended or put in place for you ladies Ttc and already pg?

Babyh200 Sun 28-Oct-12 23:48:02

good evening ladies

Missamel: So sorry to meet you here and to hear that your lost your baby son Blake. Your already showing such strong character focusing on this thread so soon after your loss. For weeks I was in a daze but when I eventually found my way on here I realised that it was my lifeline. My family and friends were too, but all these wonderful ladies have sadly (and I truly wish they hadnt) lost babies/children and so they understand what we are thinking. My Beautiful boy Adam was stillborn at 38+4 days on 4/7/12...I went to hospital following reduced movement but he was already gone when we got there. We havent been given a true reason.....the consultant said she believed I had a problem with my placenta (defective placenta maturation) but the pathology report didn't point to this and also confirmed that the loss of cells from my placenta wasnt enough to kill him on its own. Sending big hugs to you and your girls. How are they coping? Do tell us more about Blake if/when you feel up to it xxxxxxx

Split: Ah the broody feelings again? I know you had such a tough time with
Freya but its amazing the way our maternal instincts take over isnt it! Sorry about the cat bill xxxxxxx

Angel: Talking of bills glad your heating is ok for now : ) You look so young. Cant believe your nearly 42! Love the Chav spotting in Blackpool thats the best bit and always a good laugh !xxxxxx

Amy: Thinking of you x

Kliene: Loved the pics of 'E's grave and the changing seasons. Your right you are an eternal optimist and I love that about you : ) Things still strained at home so no baby making attempts going on.....think I'm out this month dont think I've OV'D anyway. CBFM just showing high days (No Peak) I am on day 13.

Fan: Hope you enjoyed Wembley. Looked like a fab day you deserve it xxxx

Hope everyone else ok

Nite Nite xxxxxx

Ellypoo Mon 29-Oct-12 13:51:17

A very sad welcome to you missamel, I am so sorry for the loss of your son Blake. My DD Nancy was born at 37 + 4 on29th December 2011 but had been starved of oxygen and was too poorly to survive. She died on 31st December 2011 aged just 2 days. I can barely remember the first few months of this year, tbh. I do remember the fear that whatever had caused N's death would mean that we wouldn't be able to TTC again - luckily though that wasn't the case (there were blood clots in the placenta) and I am now 12+6 weeks pregnant again. In terms of extra monitoring, I will be consultant-led, and although I haven't seen my consultant yet this pg, she has said that I would get pretty much anything I needed for reassurance this time. I had an early scan (well 2, but the first one was too early to see anything) and will hopfully have more after the 20 week scan too.

The ladies on here are incredibly supportive, and all totally understand this whole nightmare that you have just found yourself in.

Bless you kleine - you truly are a poppet!! I did however, put 4 stone on when pregnant last time & shortly after we lost Nancy; and I have only lost 1 of them so far, so I am quite a bit heavier than I was, although weirdly only 1 1/2 clothes sizes bigger - my body is weird!! Yes I have got a bit of a bump now (I was hideously bloated for the last few weeks but that seems to have gone down a bit now), and am wearing my maternity trousers today - feel loads comfier than my work ones that I was trying to squeeze in to last week!!!

I hope everyone had enjoyable weekends - I was a total slob on Sat & didn't even get dressed, then yesterday my sis, bil & 2 nieces came round for dinner, which was fab but v v tiring!!!

Welcome missamel I am so sorry you find yourself here, your poor little Blake, it's so very unfair. It's so gutting and so sad that there are more and more of us here as time goes on, the nightmare of babyloss just doesn't stop. I do understand that absolute need to be pregnant again, I definitely felt that, I think most of us did/do. The emptiness after pregnancy when you don't have your baby is hard to put into words and I felt that being pregnant again would make me feel less empty, less desolate and less devoid of purpose. I was lucky and fell pg very quickly (it was a bit of a double edged sword at the time as Bobbie died of a toxoplasmosis infection and they were worried that I had conceived whilst possibly still fighting the infection and my next baby could be damaged by it too. Huge relief that that does not appear to be the case, but it was very scary). As you say, the subsequent pregnancy is a very harrowing time, and these ladies here are a tremendous support and a place to voice all those fears that everyone thinks are OTT or tries to get you to snap out of.

I'm glad your minister has been such a support to you. It can be better to find that support outside your family as they aren't emotionally involved in the way your own parents/inlaws are and can focus their efforts entirely on supporting and caring for you. Our minister was fantastic, and continues to be despite the fact I no longer go to church. I think the fact that they are used to facing death, funerals, grief etc means they understand and handle it so much better, not afraid to hear your blackest thoughts, or witness your pain and tears.

kleine speaks wise words about guilt. It is nothing to feel guilty about if sometimes you are unable to speak about Blake. 2 years on here, and sometimes I tell people about Bobbie, and sometimes I keep her to myself. It's self preservation really.

Keep talking to us. We'd be honoured to hear about your little boy x

elly mat clothes are just soooo comfy! With pg #2 I went into the mat jeans the day I got the positive test... so that would be at 3+4 then blush Think it was a psychological thing really, but def more comfortable, and could pig out in preparation for the weeks of puking I knew were about to start! Aaaw for a lovely little bump <broody> Do you get the whole bump grows during the day, seems whopping by evening and then when you wake up it is almost gone again?? I was baffled by that, but apparently it's water retention as the day goes on. Hope you are feeling well.

kleine just wanted to say how wonderful you are, so much wisdom and always considerate thoughts and insightful comments to all of us. I love your posts thanks

angel that is exactly what I think, re your comment "should I be grateful for what I have and not start chasing something that may not happen". It's like a gigantic pandora's box. If you take the lid off and go for it, you can never go back. And I worry (about everything!!) but I worry that I would be heartbroken to ttc and never get another live DC, but if I just do not ttc and stop here it would be fine as it would be my choice - ultimately the outcomes are the same, no more DC, but one would be full of heartache and disappointment and one would just be "this is what I chose". Found myself going daft over newborn clothes in Sainsburys this weekend whilst buying Freya some wellies. It's interesting that you are having the same thoughts though. Good luck deciding.

Back on a food theme, I tried another MNetter's recipe for gammon and it was fabulous. Massive lump of gammon, 250g brown sugar, put in slow cooker all day, turn occasionally. Voila. I am starving all the time, eating loads, and still cannot maintain my weight. It is getting ridiculous now, am only 9st and 5ft9! Pre pg weight was nearly 10st and that was sensible. I can only assume it is the breastfeeding but actually it's a bit alarming to not be able to stop shrinking shock

welcome to missamel from here too. No person advice on at home monitors, but I am aware you can buy Dopplers to do heartbeat checks at home - some people find them comforting, others worry when they don't always hear heartbeats, but I understand that is usually because the equipment is not being used the right way.

Like angel, I am 40+, and naturally conceived my beautiful red-headed Mia at 40. Sadly, she died totally unexpectedly almost exactly a year ago, at the age of 13 months, and we have just been through her inquest. I am now 34 weeks pg with her little sibling (again, naturally), and the ladies here help enormously in dealing with the fear and joy I experience on a daily basis. There is also another thread here for 40+women seeking to conceive, and again, with lots of useful advice and support if you want it.

So - quick update from me. I have packed my hospital bag, as my mother refused to go home until I had, and even bought me all kinds of things for me and baby to incentivise me to do so! But I really couldn't until Mia's anniversary had passed, and she understood that. And today, I did think I might need it, as I had pains down my left side which wouldn't go away. Cue a morning at the hospital being monitored and scanned and checked. Baby is fine, and moving madly, but no sign of any real explanation why, apart from from perhaps my muscles around my c-section scar protesting about baby weight. Which was a huge relief... Baby is apparently 2.8kg already and has a very porky little tummy!!

Ellypoo Mon 29-Oct-12 15:50:12

Great news mias, although not about the pain, but the baby moving & being a good weight already! Well done for packing your hospital bag too - very sensible of your Mum!!

fan, how was the game yesterday? I hope you are still feeling positive xx

green, I'm so sorry I didn't ask how you are doing. I hope you have managed to rest this weekend xxx

Little9 Mon 29-Oct-12 18:29:42

Hi. Just popping on to welcome missamel although sorry that you find yourself here. The ladies on here have been a fantastic support. I lost my little Daisy at 20 weeks in June this year due to unknown causes. My waters just broke and although she was still alive, there was nothing they could do but induce me and she was too little to survive.

I am now 6+4 weeks pregnant and am absolutely knackered all the time! Got my scan date through for 12 week scan (if I make it) which is 7th December. Still waiting to hear from consultant. Presume I will have my booking in appt with them instead of midwife as should be on consultant led care but not sure - does anyone know?

Glad all is well mias.

Hope everyone is ok and has had good weekends.

greengoose Mon 29-Oct-12 18:37:48

A very quick wave to everyone and a sad welcome to MISSAMEL, I'm so sorry you find yourself with us, but we are a lovely bunch! My daughter Merryn died at six days old, after a failed op. to remove a tumour. We miss her terribly. I have two wonderful boys, aged 10 and 5, and we are trying for our rainbow. At the moment I am just coming to the end of a MC, I should have been 10 weeks. I also had two MCs before Merryn. I am 39.
Re what intervention I would have in future preg, I am on high dose Folic acid, and would be on baby asprin again from BFP. I would also have extra scans from 11 weeks. I would also have a BP monitor for me at home, as Merryns complications led to a type of PE that was very dangerous for me too. Most of these interventions are just for my peace of mind, as what happened with Merryn was 'just bad luck'. Hope this helps..... I too knew I wanted to try again straight after loosing Merryn, and don't feel I can do much about this, it's a very strong need in me.

Wave to everyone else, (need to do boys baths/ showers and stories). J back in London, but home tommorow evening and then off for the rest of week!! I'm exhausted, but I think MC must be calming down, so hopefully not too much more to put up with. Will catch up when boys asleep! Thinking of us all! Xxxx

RainboxFX Mon 29-Oct-12 18:41:00

Adding my welcome to missamel. I am sorry anyone has had to find themselves here, but I am so grateful for all the support I have been given over the months. My first son Dexter was born in April this year at 24+2 weeks and stayed with us for twelve days before catching pnumonia he was just too premature to fight. I miss him every day. We would love to hear about Blake, whenever you would like to talk about him.

Sorry I have been so quiet. I have been thinking about us all. First day back at work today after maternity leave and I am not as okay with that as I thought I was, so have been a bit weepy and odd all day. It is Dexter's six month anniversery tomorrow, so that is not helping. Glad we had his stone in place in time for that though.

Cycle-wise, I think I ov-ed late this month. So I am on Day 37 but only 10 DPO. Too early to tell anything, I am not testing for at least another 4 days. Feeling crampy and odd, but trying so hard not to get my hopes up.

Sending us all so much love.

little I was consultant led but had a number of midwife appointments too and my booking in was done by the community midwife. The consultant then just flicked through it quickly in my appointment with him - I first saw the consultant after my 16 week scan, saw his registrar after the 12 week scan, only MWs before that. Basically I saw the consultant every time I had a scheduled scan (16w, 20w, 28w, 36w) and MWs for the inbetween appointments. Hope that helps.

little my experience is the same as spilt. Consultant-led, but nothing really happens with them until 16 or 20 weeks. I also did my booking-in appointment with the midwife. After conversation with the consultant, we agreed that I would had scans at every month from 5 months (but this is up to you), and then see the midwife in between, and she has said I can see her more regularly if I want.

Ellypoo Mon 29-Oct-12 20:06:37

little, I had my booking in with MW, and am expecting to see my consultant for the first time after my 20 week scan, although this isn't definite and I need to call consultants secretary to find out if this is the case. Think all the extra care & scans & appointments will come after 20 weeks, but will keep you posted! Also, reading what spilt and mias have said above, I am going to call them tomorrow to see if I can get a scan at 16 weeks too, for reassurance, as not got another MW appt until 17 weeks (hopefully to hear the heartbeat!!!).

Rainbox, what horrible timing for you this week. I remember my first day back at work was so hard - I didn't know how I wanted people to be with me - wanted them to acknowledge Nancy, but not make a huge deal of me being back. In the end it was fine - I think the build up for these things is sometimes harder than the event themselves. It feels like another step further away, if that makes any sense. I'm not surprised you are feeling weepy etc, going back is a big big step xx
I will be thinking of you tomorrow on Dexter's 6 month anniversary - such a hard one, his stone is lovely xx

DH went to some stonemasons today - I would really like to have her headstone in place before her 1st birthday, but not sure if we've left it too late. Anyway, the stonemason was horrid to DH - he explained that the stone was for our little girl, and the bloke didn't say anything, just hmmphd and moaned that he should have called first! Needless to say, we won't be getting the stone from there!! FIL is on the case for us now - he used to be a funeral director, so is going to get in touch with some of his old contacts.

<waves> to everyone else xx

AngelGeorgie Mon 29-Oct-12 20:06:51

Little I, too, was consultant led with Phebs but also had scans 2 weekly from 6-14 weeks as was on Pregnanyl injections twice a week. On 75 mg Aspirin from BFP.then scans 4 weekly & dr review from 16 weeks to 36 weeks. Planned section at 37,3 weeks... I had a Doppler which I used most days at home....
Spilt so much to ponder on...xx
Green hope u re ok? Xxx
Miasmum whoop whoop on a big bouncy active baby... Much love to Mia... Xxx
Kleine hope u re ok? Xxx
babyH Arh you sweetie ... Nice to know I don t look my age... Certainly feel it at the moment!!!!!
Busy at work 1 st day of seeing pt's in new clinic; hard as having to review how we work!?? SW ; lost 1 lb again still hovering at 2 stone loss seem to be stuck there... However, still a 2 stone loss...
Love to all xxxxx

mumalah Mon 29-Oct-12 20:26:44

Hi, I wondered if i am able to join or point me in the right direction ! Not sure if this thread is for babies only ? My son was 2 and 2 weeks when he suddenly had a cardiac arrest in hospital. Its just been the one year anniversary, and until now I haven't come across a thread or website like this.

missamel Mon 29-Oct-12 20:33:38

You are all so wonderful, it's comforting here. My little Blake, was my third baby, my dds are 19 and 15, and he was my first biological child with DH. We decided to try for a baby and I became pregnant as soon as we took chances. We were thrilled to find a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks, and thrilled to find he w a boy at 20 weeks. We had a scare where dr thought he might have downs but he didn't. A thorough scan of his heart, brain and body 2 weeks later by a specialist showed his health looked great. I went for reg checkups and everything tested and measured well. My two girls both had some iugr in the middle of pregnancy, but not Blake. At about 33 weeks I noticed his kicks were smaller and he was rolling more, but I remembered something similar with my girls, and other ppl said they had the same thing. Sunday October 15 was my baby shower, and when I got home that evening I felt him moving. The next morning however, I wasn't sure. I went to the labour dept right after I got up. The nurses thought they found his hb but didn't get it pinned down. They brought in the ultrasound and found no hb. DH and I were in shock and crushed. We cried on the bathroom floor together in the hospital.

Ellypoo Mon 29-Oct-12 20:35:01

Of course you can join mumalah - a very sad welcome to you. I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your son a year ago. The ladies on here have all lost their children at various stages of pregnancy, neo-natally and when they were older. What was your son called, if you don't mind me asking?

Ellypoo Mon 29-Oct-12 20:41:40

Oh missamel, such an horrific experience - I remember it well. Are they doing tests to try to find out what happened to Blake? Such raw awful emotions at the moment for you - these early days are so hard to get through, but get through them you & your DH will, somehow.

mumalah Mon 29-Oct-12 20:43:52

Hi , his name is Jack. He was my 5th, but 2nd with dh. I also miscarried exactly a year before Jack was born at 8 weeks. I'm 42, we were trying for another baby straight after Jack, as there was a 10 year age gap between my youngest daughter, but it never happened.

missamel Mon 29-Oct-12 20:46:54

I chose to be induced right away, and he was born the next morning at about 1:30 he was beautiful and perfect...and he was smaller than he should have been! Only in the 3rd percentile for date! That was a big surprise for me, and we still don't know why he wasnt growing at the end! We live in a small town and no specialists have consulted with us yet. Just waiting. Today I feel so empty...it feels like all my hopes and dreams are gone along with my little boy. My brother and DH brother both had babies 4 months ago... I feel like my girls are almost grown. I love them and DH and I want to have more children but I'm so scared and lost.

KleinePoppet Mon 29-Oct-12 20:51:53

Hola chicas. I am watching The Devil Wears Prada for the umpteenth time (I used to think it was a pointless movie. Now, I view it as background noise...). How are you all doing tonight?

mumalah of course you are so welcome here. I am so very sorry to hear about your little boy. The one-year anniversary of his death must have been terribly hard. Please do tell us anything about him that you'd like to share - we'd love to get to know him, a little bit. Have you been ttc for a little while, or are you just starting out? If you scroll back just one page, a few of us were welcoming missamel, the other newcomer here, with details about our stories. My baby girl died in June, aged 2 days, and we're trying for our second, now.

babyh sorry that things still aren't so great with DH. I really hope that it will be better in a few days. Also, is it possible that you are going to ovulate a bit later in your cycle? My ov pattern has changed and now - I've had three cycles since E - I ov on day 19/20. (Which is now!! I get ov pains, it's happening right now... smile) I know that my cycle doesn't have any relevance to yours, but, well, here's hoping for you...

elly hurrah for the tiny bump!! But boo to the terrible stonemason; glad you have other options. And, re your weight, well, you must have been an actual twig before having lovely Nancy... I am not trying to minimise the effect of putting weight on (I do know it can make you feel so awful), but really, I think you look so lovely.
I, like spilt, currently have the opposite problem and am still losing weight, despite my best efforts. It's a new one for me! I would certainly have wanted to lose a few pounds before having E, but now I am trying to hold on to them.

spilt and thanks back to you too, you wonderful and sensitive lady smile Shall we have another thread love-in like the other week? wink
Also, I wanted to ask you, as you said you no longer go to church - did you go before Bobbie? Or is it unrelated? We are struggling with the idea of going back to our church - mostly because it's full of gorgeous babies and toddlers, but equally (and obviously) it's just a very difficult thing to return to any form of worship right now.

<waves> to little. I'm not sure about your midwife/consultant question. I know that our hospital has a high-risk midwifery team, and if I am ever lucky enough to be pg again, I will be under them as well as being consultant-led.

green as ever, lots of love. I will be so glad ('glad'....) for you when the MC has properly ended. You have been a bit of a hero. I know you will disagree with me and think that you've barely been coping, but - trust me - you've been amazing.

rainbox bless little Dex. Six months. I am so sorry. And also that you are back at work to coincide with it. I will be thinking of you tomorrow xx
Also, am I allowed to have my fingers very, very quietly crossed for you this cycle? Lots of love to you xx

mias sorry to hear about a stressful morning, but it's lovely to hear that all is well with your chubby little baby smile Porky baby tummies are so cute! I was worried that E was going to be a huuuuuge baby, as I was so late with her and scans seemed to show she was already 6lbs at about 36 weeks, but in the end she was only just over 7lbs/3.1kg.

also <waves> at the lovely angel. Glad your heating's back on!!

missamel thank you for telling us a bit more about Blake. He was so clearly wanted, loved and welcomed into your family from the start. It's just so very, very sad. You and your DH crying on the bathroom floor together... oh, bless you. Hoping that you will find the strength to get through another day, together, without Blake. xx
(Oh and I will send you a private message about FB in just a minute smile)

Hi to everyone else, too. fan I saw those photos of you on Sunday - you and DH looked just so lovely, you really had a good day out and enjoyed yourselves by the sounds of things! A perfect way to distract yourself during the 2ww. xx

EPIC post again from me!!!! Love to you all x

KleinePoppet Mon 29-Oct-12 20:55:05

I crossed posts with lots of you.

mumalah I love the name Jack. So perfectly simple and boyish. What was he like? How are your other children doing? It must be so very difficult. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to conceive again yet and hope VERY much that you will do, soon.

missamel more hugs to you. I am scared and lost too. On this thread, we are all scared and lost together. xx

mumalah of course you are welcome, we have all lost a baby whether during pregnancy or after. So sorry to hear about your little boy, what was his name if you dont mind sharing, please dont feel presured into doing so. I hope you find this thread supporting.
My duaghter Ophelia was stillborn 18 months ago. She died of a knot in her cord ar 36 weeks.

missamel that is so sad. The day Ophelia died, we had gone into the hospital in labour, they couldnt find the heart beat and had to bring in an ultrasound, we then saw our baby still on the screen, not moving at all. I didnt have time to take it all in and she was born two and half hours later. Its so hard to come to terms with, its so early in your grief, and Im not going to say it becomes easier it just becomes part of your life. You build everything else around your grief. You will laugh and joke agian. You will think of your blake with fondness rather that total loss.

green so glad things are moving on. Have you had any more thoughts about ttc?

rainbox I have everything crossed for you, or if its isnt a BFP then at least you will know more about your cycles. First day back at work is a hard one, be gentle with yourself and take it slow.

elly booo to the bad stonemasonm shame on him. Im glad you are getting some help gettign the stone, hopefully you can get one pretty enough for your little girl.

angel spilt waves! you still both feeling broody?

blizy how are you doing?

blue and miasmum getting excited for you two now, have you started looking at names? Sorry if Im being nosy, I just love baby names and why people choose them.

poppet how are you doing? Has your brother been in contact again?

amy hows that little bump of yours?

wtw loved the pic of your girls in their holloween costumes.

waves at too, moomins and mogwai and trickle and august

(and just wanted to say really miss ciwi, razz and dachs oh and mel waves just incase you occasionally read)

I am in my last fews days of this cycle, trying desperatly not to think about it, have not looked at the diary to see what CD Im on, so hoping it will be more relaxed. (obvisously still thinking about it but stepping away from the diary untill AF rears her ugly head.) Cant wait to carve the pumpkins either tomorrow or on halloween, and the fireworks on thursday. (love this time of year, its DH's birthday on sunday, gots lots planned for him, he hates his birthday but Im going to make sure his day is special, Im going to make him breakie in bed, make him a giant birthday cookie and then its Indian takeaway and a on-demand movie for the evening)

crossed posts all round

oh I feel terrible I missed little waves to you too.

Gosh so much has happened in a few days. I'm afraid I've been cheating on you ladies......I've discovered selling on eBay blush It's completely addictive grin Though I found myself tucking away some of the tiny baby and newborn stuff 'just in case' <w