Giving up TTC - how easy is that?

[Spacefrog]

Hello, I've been TTC for six months, I know it's not much but now I want to move on. I have one DD that took 25 months to conceive due to low sperm count, and now DH and I are two years older so we'd need a miracle to get pg, or so I feel.

I'm getting rid of DD's stuff that I was keeping for a sibbling and have decided that I never ever again want SWI, only lots and lots of SFF. And I will never buy a hpt again unless I am one month late.

Anyone has been there before? I feel liberated but sad, could use some support... Oh, and please let me that only children are happy children.

[skibi]

Hi Space frog.

How do you 'move on'? will you start to use contraception? i only ask because i am in similar situation.
DD convieved first month of trying and is nearly 4. i have been diagnosed at Emergancy C section with unicornuate uterus (effectively half a uterus).
2 years TTC we are at that stage trying to work out whether to 'move on' or seek intervention. its very hard.
i feel exactly the same about having an only child and whether she will be happy. Sometimes it breaks my heart to think that she might be lonely at some points and other times i think how liberating life is with only one child and how much more we would be able to offer her as will be less financially stretched.

PS what is SWI and SFF? new to this messaging stuff!

[BUnderTheBonnet]

Hi,
I'm an only child and I never felt at all lonely. I hated the thought of having a brother of sister to be honest, once I was old enough to realise that it would mean sharing my parents and not having as much stuff for myself! I suppose I will wish I had a sibling as my parents age to the point where they need care, but to be honest, I had so many more opportunities as a child because I was an only one (school trips, private school...) that I can't really regret it.
Hope that helps, and good luck with your decision - I hope it brings you some peace

[Nanny01]

I am an only child it was sometime lonely but does have advantages. While growing up I needed extra help as I am dyslexic I was able to change schools and do almost activity from sailing to horse riding. I went to a private school and never had to share. My parents were and still there for me. They still do more for me than most if I had brother and sisters. Just make sure you tell your child why they are an only child as for a while I thought it was me, it was not until I grew up I realised that things wern't straight forward. My mother took 6 years to concieve me and nothing happened after that though they had wanted another. Just let your child know they are loved. I went on to have 4 and this shooks my mother so don't expect to have a single grandchild either. I also marred an only child too. Holidays you can do more with 1 child we spend a fortune on ours. There is a time for everything it is hard moving on especialy when the decisions arn't choosen like in your situation. My close friend has gone through it now after failed IVF but she is grateful for her lovely blonde haired blue eyed girl who we all adore. Hang in there

[Spacefrog]

Thanks for your replies! I feel more confident already about having an only child.

Skibi I am not using contraception, just effectively avoiding sex in the supposedly "fertile days". This way, it stops me spending the rest of the month if I am pregnant or not. SWI is the mumnset acronym for Sex With Intent and SFF is Sex For Fun.

I love having just one child, there are so many precious moments and I am not running around like I would do with two. Having her was like winning the lottery, I'll tell her later that very few people win the lottery twice!

[KaraThrace]

Hello SpaceFrog.
I am in the same situation as yourself with regard to giving up TTC. I have one DC who is nearly 3 and had a mc late last year.
It took me 18months to get pregnant second time, but hardly anytime for first pregnancy.
I feel like I don't have the energy to keep going. So we have decided to stop as well. We have discussed this at length and the sadness of not getting pregnant each month is not worth it for us.
We are going to enjoy our DC and the fact that we can so much fun together, have more money to spend on her and ourselves. And as we live in London and it also means that we don't have to kill ourselves getting a place big enough for 4.
Plus we keep telling ourselves we are doing our bit for the environment .
Both my parents were only children and they seem happy enough to me. I do feel sad that she won't have the bond with someone like I do with my brother but you can't have everything.

[skibi]

Its so damn frustrating though, i cant make the descision to give up - or stop. its not like i am greiving for this non existent baby. i dont feel like i have a 'hole' to fill. a gap in the family. a non 'complete' family. i seem to be able to deal with the month on month dissapointment when the boobs stop being tender and i know my period will come any second. i just seem to be unable to make a descion about it. i am not ready to give up. i dont think. and then i think about how easy life is. How DD sleeps 12 1/2 hours a night. how i have to wake her up every morning. how i can leave the house in 10 mins if i need to. how i can give her my energy and my time. i have only her to look after means that i know her every inch and her mind. and i love her so dearly. God i am writing this in floods.maybe i am not dealing with this as well as i thought. sorry. i am babbling.

[KaraThrace]

skibi - it is really, really frustrating I agree and that is part of it for me, I am angry that I don't seem to be able to and it pisses me off that I can't. For me it is highlighted by all my pregnant friends (or ones that have had their second already), I think in 5 years time this will no longer matter and I will not cry anymore. I keep thinking about then.

[skibi]

Karathrace, do you have a DC already? how long have you been TTC? i agree about friends - they have all done the second and a couple about to start for number 3. we all had our first babies at the same time! i also agree that time will help - but that time is not now!

Hubby is good to go with whatever decision i make, so that's at least encouraging and we don't have conflict. ho hum...am going to get another glass of wine...

[Spacefrog]

Kara sorry about your miscarriage. This whole business of TTC and not succeeding IS hard to deal with. For starters, there's our reproductive instinct shouting "ONE MORE, ONE MORE!". And then there's the pressure around us: it seems normal to get at least a second kid once you get one. Most our friends do. And we feel guilty for not producing a sibling to the first born.

And also I had ideas of big family when I got married. I come from one and I always thought I'd have one. I remember in the early days I was negotiating with DH to have three kids - he "only" wanted two.

BUT... Isn't there more to life than checking cervical mucus, peeing on ovulation sticks, having sex because "it is the day" and spending a whole two weeks every month to wait and count down the days till we can at last pee on a pregnancy test and then cry because it's negative and be angry with ourselves we've just wasted £7? I did it long enough. I don't think I can do it any more.

Need to move on.

[Spacefrog]

skibi I'll join you with the wine. Another advantage of not getting pregnant, eh eh!

[KaraThrace]

Spacefrog I totally agree I need to move on also there is SO much more to life that the 28 day cycle length roller coaster.

skibi I do have one already so I need to enjoy her (it doesn't help I went back to work this year and I hate it because it takes up all my time and was meant to be part time). I have been TTC for 24 months, but it has been complicated by having to seek medical advice when period did not return when I gave up breastfeeding. My body thought it was still pregnant and the MC fucked it all up again. The drugs make me feel ill too. So yes it is definitely time to move on and be normal again!

Husband and I have booked 2 gigs, my parents are going to have DD and we are going to have fun. Dancing and drinking and out late, now I haven't done that for such a long time and I wouldn't be able to do that if I was pregnant too.
(rant over)

[Italiangreyhound]

How's it going with not ttc Spacefrog, Skibi, KaraThrace and all?

I have just had IVF for the last time and it did not work. I said this would be the last time and so we should now have stopped TTC (we also have one DD). Your comments about children without siblings were very helpful and it certainly is liberating to be able to drink again (not that I drink a lot!). I was doing the fertility thing for two months this year so wine-free from end of January! So tonight is only about my second glass of wine in nearly three months. Anyway, I know this thread is a bit old so you may not be around, but wanted to say hi, and thanks you were all helpful to me.

[Spacefrog]

Hi Italiangreyhound
Sorry abouth your failed IVF. I've be not TTC for two weeks only so it was the easiest bit. Despite my best intentions we did happen to have sex in the fertile days (so much more tempting when you shouldn't, right? ). Anyway, trying not to bother too much about the outcome.

I'm trying to take a fatalistic approach: If there's a second baby for us she will come when she's ready. No need to press her. Maybe we're meant to remain the three of us and it's fine too.

Meet me here next week and I'll tell you how the Not Symptom Spotting is going.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi Spacefrog Thanks for getting back to me. Yes, I will meet you here this time next week. All the best. It is interesting you said 'she' when talking about a baby! Any reason? We have given up but I know I am not totally giving up, I have got a Zita West conception tape to listen to, to convince me that it will work naturally after years of assisted conception that did not work! AAAAGGGHH!

See you soon.

[KaraThrace]

Hello Italiangreyhound - sorry to hear about your failed IVF.

I've been not TTC for a month now, though that doesn't mean using contraception, well partly because it seems like a waste when clearly we don't need it. And also, well you never know right.

So we also happened to have sex on a fertile day and my period was 4 days late, which it never, never is & I could have sworn I saw a very faint BFP on Saturday. However, period did come and now I feel even more sad.

Seems like I can't stop TTC very well either.

Good luck Spacefrog with your not symptom spotting this month.

[Spacefrog]

KaraThrace this is really hard, what an awful roller-coaster. I had that once that period was late and I used a faulty test (from Sainsbury's own brand) that said positive. Two other tests the same day where negative and of course my period turned up two days later and I got really p*ssed off with Sainsbury's and never went back shopping there.

Am not very good at not TTC as well. I have stopped charting my BBT and am keeping my house free of pregnancy tests but today was at a chemist and surprised my self thinking that I should check how expensive they are and this month being my wedding anniversary it would be such a nice surprise to DH. I managed to run out of the shop before giving in though.
But I've got a plan for when my period will be due: for every day where I will not test I will treat myself to a nice piece of cake instead and when my period will come, I shall be fatter but happier.

I think time will help take our minds of it.

[KaraThrace]

Spacefrog - what a brilliant I idea. I am going to do it too this month. My DD will be thrilled she LOVES cake too, we will be two fat and happy things.

I agree time will take our minds off it. Plus once all my friends have finished being pregnant it will make it easier too.

[Spacefrog]

How is it going everyone?

Fourth week of not ttc for me and it's getting tricky!! I get nausea and sore boobs every month the week before the period so I can't really take my mind off it. I even checked the price of pg tests again today in another chemist (way too pricey)... Please can someone slap me?

The odds of getting pg are so low! Why can't I get that into my head once and for all??

Anyway, I got rid of some of DD's baby stuff over the weekend. That felt good and I've got more room for my stuff.

[wannaBe]

Hello and hope I can offer some words of encouragement. as I am years on from stopping ttc.

I came off the pill five years ago to ttc for a second child and it didn't happen for us either.

After about eighteen months we decided to give up and resign ourselves to just having the one child. Like you it was hard, because my ds was conceived after us having tests and deciding to give up after the results were given (I got pg the month we had the tests) so I suppose subconsciously I thought that if I gave up again it would happen again - it didn't. But for some time I did wonder every month whether it would/could/had happened and I did occasional pregnancy tests. My situation was not helped by the fact that the month I fell pg with ds I had what I thought was a period (more than just a bit of discharge, it was actually some quite heavy bleeding) so every month when I had a shorter period I found myself wondering whether I was actually pregnant.

I too didn't give up contraception "just in case it was meant to be" and probably also because I couldn't bring myself to actually close the door iyswim.

We're actually five years on now and in the past eighteen months or so I've actually started thinking that I'm not sure I'd want another baby as my ds is getting older, more independent, and I find myself looking at other people with more than one child and thinking that I don't envy them the bickering/fighting/hard work that having more than one child is.

I'm still not using contraception - not because I still hope that it will happen but because after five years I'm positive that it won't happen so I see no point in shovelling pills down my throat for no reason...

I do have glitches, a close family member announced she is pg last week and the urge to have another baby hit me like a brick and has been with me for the past few days. But some friends talked a bit of sense into me last night and I know that I won't be pursuing it.

I haven't done a pregnancy test since August 2008, and even then I only did one because I had a uti and dr suspected it could be an ectopic.

What I would say is just relax. Thinking about possibly being pregnant won't make it happen or not happen - if it's meant to be then it will be. But you will find that as time ticks by you will find yourself looking at the pg tests less and less.

Good luck

[SillyTillyBilly]

Oh girls - I know how you feel. I have times when I think I am happy with just the one but then every month I get my hopes up and then cry. I so want to stop trying but can't. I pray/hope/believe that one day it will happen either naturally or by IVF. People look at me as if I am mad - 'you have a wonderful child - be happy' etc but the desire/need for another one is sooo bad. I really hope you girls manage to show me how to stop TTC as right now I don't see that as an option. Sorry this really isn't helping you guys who have made the decision to stop. I just feel your pain and currently deal with it (or fail to deal with it!) in a different way. Let me know how you all get on. My only progress is that I no longer POAS unless I am actually late and even then never with CB digi as the slap in the face reading 'not pregnant' is harder than the lack of a line!

Love to you all

[KaraThrace]

Spacefrog - I don't know what to say apart from I am sure I'll be feeling the same way in 3 weeks time. I hope you are rewarding yourself with lots of bit of cake.
Well done on getting rid of your DD's baby things, I am going to attempt to do that soon. Not quite ready just yet though.
I can't get it out of my head too and am actually finding it really hard at the moment, I spend a lot of my time in tears.
My mother asked me why I didn't go for IVF last week and I wanted to tell her to f off, then she told me to take a year out from trying. She just made me cross, none of her business, but that is the problem people do think it is their business. My DH's family are very lovely but are overly sympathetic, I just want to be treated like normal. I wish no one knew.
wannabe thank you for your words of encouragement I do know that in a year or twos time it will all be alright and we will be over this and I will no longer want a baby in our family.
SillyTillyBilly - it is not that I am not TTC it is that I am hoping TC but no longer think it will happen. I think the only thing that will help us all is time. Sorry you are going through this too.

[Spacefrog]

Thanks for the slap and the encouraging words WanaBe . You gave me hope! I totally saw myself in what you wrote: yes, I too secretely hope that because I have given up and am getting rid of my baby and pregnancy stuff it will suddenly work and it will be a great story to tell.

Karathrace I had cake, ice cream and chocolates today. Thinking of chocolate brownie tomorrow. Doing well...

SillyTillyBilly you are doing very well not POAS unless late. How long have you been trying? You could tell your family that you're happy with one child and no longer trying for another one, even if it's not true. There are plenty of good reasons you could give. Hopefully they will stop interferring and you can deal with the issue in private and that may take a great deal of pressure off you. Good luck.

[KaraThrace]

Spacefrog - you are doing well.

[SillyTillyBilly]

I have been trying almost two years but it feels a lot longer! I've really got my hopes up again this month but no doubt they will get dashed again - someone slap me please!

I think you are all doing great. Enjoy the choccie brownie You are all a great support for each other.

[SillyTillyBilly]

Hopes dashed once again! Grrr. I am so happy with my daughter. Why can't I just accept that? She sleeps through the night, uses the loo, eats what we eat, 'helps' out with jobs and I manage to work a bit too. Another one would bring chaos to the house! Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why can't I stop trying?