How do you know?

[FrogLover]

Hello everyone,

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right section so please don't hate me if I'm not but I have a question that I can't seem to answer on my own.

How do/did you know that you want(ed) a baby?

The reason that I ask is that I am 28 and have never really felt a maternal instinct or any need to have children. Even as a little girl, I never played at mummy and baby with my dolls - I played at schools and my dolls were my pupils. My favourite part of the game was hometime when I sent them all away with their parents.

I love other people's children (I have two god children, a 3 year-old nephew and a niece on the way) and people usually say that I am 'good with kids' (actually, what I do is roll around on the floor and play noisy games with them which makes the kids love me but their parents probably don't appreciate it quite so much) but I've never felt the need or the will to have any of my own.

My husband, who is 35, feels the same way so this shouldn't really be a problem but as I am getting to an age where people start to find it strange that we haven't got kids (especially since we have been married for nearly 2 years now) and I am finding myself having to explain our feelings more and more often (whilst remaining convinced that I shouldn't ACTUALLY have to explain anything at all), I am starting to become curious about how this works for other people.

What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks in advance

[ShiriDoula]

I guess you just do you just "know"/"feel"/"want" to more than not.

some people have children at a certain pont it time because it is a "good timing".

I think you should want children and not just have them because you "have to" or because your mum/friends/people push you to do it.

[idealcamel]

this lot are talking about the same thing.

[macaco]

Hi FrogLover.

You sound quite like me a few years ago. I always knew I wanted children some day but never really felt the "urge" to have a baby. I knew I would hate to never have a family and so once we'd got married (at 32) I thought, there's never a perfect time and I know I want them some day so why not now, why wait? Once we'd made the decision I felt excited about it and was really happy (if a bit apprehensive!) when I got pregnant. DS is almost 2 and I really am beginning to feel broody for another. so, if you KNOW you want kids, maybe you should just take the plunge, it really is the most amazing thing you'll ever do, the most magical thing to see them grow. I was worried if I waited and waited to feel "the urge" then I might never feel it and time would pass by and I'd miss my chance.

That was rambling, but hopefully it helps a bit.

[mumnerves]

Hi FrogLover,

You sound like me at that age. I went out with DH for 7 years before getting married at 31 and even then we didn't really want kids. Now I'm 33 and within the last 6 months or so our marriage and life have settled down really well and it's just felt 'right' and we've had the discussion. Now just TTC #1.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still not a big kid fan, I still don't go aww at every baby I see, but I just want us to have children. I feel a bit sad that we left it so late and starting to worry that we are too old, but MN has been so helpful to us and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a BFP soon!

[HoneyPetal]

From what you say in your post, it sounds to me like you already know what you want (or rather, don't want). You say your DH feels the same, so I assume you have discussed this and decided you don't want children? If so, my advice is that you won't stop people speculating and asking about your family plans, so pick your moment and gently broach this with your closest family to put a stop to the awkward questions. For everyone else, a smile and change of subject should suffice. You don't have to explain your decision to anyone. Unless you want to.

If I have misunderstood, and you are in fact agonising over the decision, there are a few of us in various states of mind over on the thread that Idealcamel linked to. The main state of mind, to be honest, is one of dithering, so be prepared for lots of toing-and-froing! And we admire anyone who can make a decision.

My own situation is that I find it difficult to let go of the negatives, they currently have equal weight with the positives. Also, DH is being a jerk about it (don't ask).

[FrogLover]

Thanks to you all for your messages and advice.

I think HoneyPetal and mumnerves have just about summed me up between them.

I don't "not want children", I just don't particularly "want children". I'm pretty much indifferent on the subject, which is never a good state of mind to be in when it comes to bringing a new life into the world.

Yes, my husband and I talked this through before we got married (after 5 years together) but I think I'm just curious and want to make sure that we won't regret this decision later in life.

Anyway, I wish you all the best of luck and health in your projects. HoneyPetal, I hope you manage to get things straight and everything works out for you.

[MyMyFruityPie]

Hey FrogLover

I was the same as you, I loved hanging with kids, I was told that I was good and even told by a friend that they though that I would be a good mother. I imagined that I may have children one day but only because it was what convention and tradition expected but I could never actually SEE myself with kids. I definitely DID NOT feel broody. I was with my ex-b/f for nearly 9 years (we started dating at university), not once did I imagine having children with him. It used to worry me for a long time. My sisters and brother have 13 children between them (Catholic!). I never did have that strong urge or knowledge that I wanted to be a mother one day. I am now 33 years old, I have been married for nearly 2 years and the day I realised I was open to the idea of having children was also the day that I knew my husband was 'the one' because I said to myself that I wanted to have his babies. It was a real shock and even after that, even though I was open to the idea of kids with my husband, I still did not have that urge to start immediately or even plan for them. Kids turn your world upside down, the responsibility of another life in your hands (I am still one of the biggest kids I know!) just seemed all too much at the time. I never even imagined what my children would look like (apparently people do that quite a bit! Who knew!). The feeling of wanting a child just grew between my husband and I. We have okay jobs and get to travel quite a bit. We have a lovely home, nothing super glam but it is how we would wish it to be (although I would like to paint a couple of walls). What I am getting at is that as we ticked through our 'to do list', there was something missing and we finally realised that it was a child. My husband was open to the idea of children but he was not exactly jumping me to get the ball rolling. My broody feelings kicked in before his I think. The more I felt that he might not want children as much as me, the more and more I became broody. He is now even broodier than me, but time got us to this point. We chatted about children, the effect that they would have on our lives. In the end it was the need to share our love (cheesy I know, it even makes me vom a bit but it is true) with a little person that got us there. You never know when that moment will hit you (my husband is in his 40s) but one day you will know whether it is right for you or not. Even though we have chosen the kid road, we are finding it a lo.......ng road. Deciding to have a child is one thing and getting there is another. Having the choice to go one way or the other is key though, as long as you and your husband are on the same page you will make that journey together. Enjoy life and do not worry about how you are supposed to feel as time will eventually get you there. x

[AmandaCooper]

Is it just me, or is this site missing an important forum, just to the left of the "conception" forum?

[HoneyPetal]

The few of us who are either trying to decide what to do or are in fact TTC with mixed feelings have gathered on the thread that idealcamel linked to under the OP post. It's a really lovely, open, non-judgemental, positive thread and has been a massive comfort to me as I work through some stuff. I've 'met' some lovely women.

Actually, some posters get pissed off about people who aren't mothers being on this website at all. Also, many women on this site are struggling to TTC and desperately want to, and sometimes they don't quite understand why someone would be (as we call it on the 'Hamlet' thread) dithering. So we quietly lurk and gather information and hopefully find our own way.

[MountainFairy]

I think you are right Amanda!

[AmandaCooper]

Heavens! "Dithering" isn't exactly a positive way to describe weighing up the biggest and most important decision of your life.

It makes it sound like we have silly, trivial reasons for not being ready and if that were the case, I can see how it might upset people who are struggling to conceive. But it's not.

[HoneyPetal]

Well, when you have gone from 'right, let's go for it' to 'urgh, I can think of nothing worse' five times in the last hour, there isn't really another word that describes it . Sometimes you have to be lighthearted, otherwise you would go crazy. Trust me, I've shed many tears over all this.

From the five or six of us on that thread, the main reasons holding us back currently are 1. Money 2. Job insecurity (a big one at the moment) 3. Reluctant husbands 4. Health concerns and 5. Some gut feeling that we are fine as we are and a baby is a strange unknown quantity.

Like I said, it's a great thread and I have never felt judged or censured.

[AmandaCooper]

All sensible reasons to be deliberating. So many people give it no thought whatsoever - and that can be so much worse.

It's so daunting and depressing to be in this position - especially if your DP is anything like my DP, and isn't the slightest bit interested in hearing about it for the umpteenth time.

[HoneyPetal]

Sometimes I wonder. While I don't agree with giving it no thought at all, the last three years have been at times a nightmare and have challenged my relationship massively, and I often envy people who seem able to make this decision without tortured soulsearching. A happy medium would be nice. At the moment, if we did decide to go for it, I certainly feel like sone of the innocent gloss, or simple excitement, has been lost.

My DH has been very....difficult. It has compounded my own indecision.

[PacificDogwood]

Hi, can honestly say that I have never in my life felt "broody", other people's babies leave my cold and even looking after my own babies was often more of a chore than my life's fullfilment.

I am currently expecting DS4, also had 4 MC; all pregnancies were entirely planned and much wanted.



The thing is, I always wanted children, walking/talking little people that I could accompany as they grew up . I often almost worry for people who are desperate for a baby but do not seem to look beyond that relatively short period of time in the life of a person.

I only got married when I was 31, it took us 5 years to make DS1 at which point time was clearly not on my side...

OP, at 28 you are a child !

[AmandaCooper]

I don't know about you but I think part of the reason I can't get completely on board is because at the moment, and for the foreseeable future, it's not actually a realistic prospect.

How has your DH been difficult? For a long time, mine was totally against the idea. Now he's pushing the decision onto me.

[HoneyPetal]

I think we may have married the same man. That is exactly my situation. Told me just after we got married that he may never want children, now says it's totally my decision and he is on board if I want to do it. Erm, thanks.

[AmandaCooper]

Yep that sounds like DH! Of course if he's secretly married to both of us that complicates things further...

DH veers from being very anti baby to being somewhat lukewarm about the idea. But I recently took the decision to just ignore him - and that's working quite well!